Undergraduate / 'an elderly man singing' - Emory Supplement [7]

I already knew Emory was a high ranking university with a fantastic business program and a location to die for.

I remained undecided until I fatefully stumbled upon twelve words that transformed my narrow view of Emory into a vast vision of opportunity.

So, there would be no better place to improve and excel in my service to humanity than at a university that prides itself on 'creating, preserving, teaching and applying knowledge in the service of humanity.'

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / U of wisconsin essay - "knowledge is boundless" [3]

It was comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children.

It was there that I met Ezra, the girl who instilled so much wisdom in me.

It was at that time that I realized age is no boundary to learning or teaching .

Ever since, I have been committed to visiting many places and lending an ear to people who need it.

Nice last sentence!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / NYU summer activity (other colleges I visited paled in comparison) [8]

The first stop of my summer college tour required only a short train ride to Greenwich Village.

NYU had always attracted me because of its rigorous academic programs and its diverse urban setting, but I wanted to see what it was like to be an NYU student by talking to actual students.

Not surprisingly, all the other colleges I visited paled in comparison to NYU. The rest of my summer was spent reading my summer reading books and preparing for the upcoming year with the student council.

Hope this was helpful...how long is it supposed to be?

Kevin

Undergraduate / Why Northwestern? NU will be the place for me. [3]

Very good essay, good luck in school.:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Yale supplement essay ("Razia Auntie's house") [4]

I can still see her laughing, telling me what is wrong and what is right. She taught me that I didn't have to be afraid of anyone and that being myself was the best thing I could be.

Through her optimism and her struggle, I now understand that nothing is impossible to a willing heart.

I think the essay is great and very moving. I'm sorry you lost your Auntie, and I'm sure she's very proud of you.

Good luck!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'I began to finalize my own college list' - Why Carnegie? [12]

It was then that I finally realized that I truly yearn to study engineering /science and to earn a degree at Carnegie Mellon.

As I first stepped onto the luscious green lawns of Carnegie Mellon and took a tour, I instantly fell in love with the college .

It is among the most distinguished educational environments set in an urban context that provides its students with numerous opportunities.

Science has intrigued me from the very beginning.

Since grade school, I enjoyed doing experiments, observing cells, solving problems related to machines.

Since, I wasn't into studying medicine, I realized that engineering would be the best place to continue to develop my interest in science.

Alone, I would masterfully design and govern these pieces of plastic into battles scenes or metropolises petrified in time, all built to my liking.

Every day, I would want to create something new, something unprecedented.

I hope to earn a degree and continue on to law school, a process that I know will take some time, but I am prepared to face each and every challenge with dedication, perseverance and integrity.

I think the essay is great, and I really like the part about the Legos!
Good luck!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / SUNY Old Westbury Essay - Challenges you expect to face [2]

"Besides dormitory living conditions and a substance free-living environment, the most significant challenge I will have to face is adapting to the environment of the school."

I don't think it would be wise to say that a substance free living environment would be a challenge! :)

Also, I am well aware that the curriculum will be far more difficult and challenging.

This will make me take on a more independent responsibility because, sadly, in the real world the only person you can rely on is yourself.

Jotting is fine!

Good luck!
:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Explain what has lead you to chooses your career path [4]

There was a time in my life when I thought that I wasn't going to make it. I thought I would not make anything out of myself.

I know that I want to become a physician -- specifically, a radiologist.

This light is a woman who showed me the way to believe in myself and to not let anything hold me down. This woman is my best friend, and though in college we will unfortunately part ways for a short time, I will never forget the lessons she has unknowingly taught me about life and we will always keep in touch.

I will do it, because she is something I did not have when I was younger and throughout most of my life. Thanks to her I know who I am now and know where I want to be. With trust in myself I have overcome a tragic time in my life. I want to become a doctor because I want to do more than help people. I want to save lives. I lead others in my many volunteer activities and help those in need whenever possible. I will be forever humble and thankful if given the opportunity to receive education at Johns Hopkins University. Throughout my life I will also be thankful for the second chance that has been given me to truly show the world who I am. I know that during college I will still continue to participate in medically related volunteer activities because I find it soulfully pleasing.

I really liked "soulfully pleasing".
Good luck!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / rough draft: academic/career/life goals. ideas are welcomed [2]

I've seen good friends turn into thieves and become apathetic about the suffering of their community because of the pain of being in poverty that consumed them.

My passion for knowledge prevailed over the ache of leaving behind my loved ones.

You are a great writer!! This essay presents you in a very positive light.

Undergraduate / 'human civilizations' - My JHU Supplement essay-why do you want to choose this major? [6]

With my love for coffee, the thought of creating my own coffee brand was the first thing that struck my mind.

And here I'll fix this awkward sentence:

The vast range of courses, the flexibility of education and the open-minded environment that Johns Hopkins offers tell me that, besides international politics, economics and governments, I will gain vast knowledge about human civilizations and human nature -- as well as lessons from the past and keen insights to the future.

Can you mention international studies in the first paragraph, to tell the reader what is to come? This will show that you are answering the prompt. Sum it up in the first paragraph, explain in the middle, and then sum it up with different words again at the end.

Undergraduate / Common application essays, need opinions (one of two to choose from) [5]

I agree, the second one. Also, I think it would be better without the word "pleasantly" here:

Rubbing her eyes, a ten-year-old girl woke up from a delicious nap.

Undergraduate / "A reason to everything that happens" app essay- revision? [3]

This is awesome!

Here, you can choose a different word besides "sip." You used it in an excellent way the first time, but don't use it any more after the first mention of "sipping" air:

But, I was still under water; I used up my last bit of oxygen.

This is so well-written! The only thing I would change is the subsequent occurences of the word sip. Use it once, and that is it! Not much room for improvement, though!!!!

Undergraduate / 'DNA and my future biological studies' - Cornell Arts and Science Supplement. [6]

Chink, I have often thought that you would make a good contributor! Please check out the contributor page! The link is at the bottom of the screen "EF contributors."

Undergraduate / Common App: Fundraising consultant, physical therapist and neonatologist [8]

Put those periods inside the quotation marks:

The reactions to them: "Why don't you do business instead of fundraising consultant, it's better." "Physical therapy? That is a job of an assistant, why don't you be a general doctor? Plus, physical therapists don't get paid as much." "Neonatologist? What exactly does a neonatologist do?"After the explanation: "ah...now that's better."

Wow, your second paragraph is really cool. You seem like a great person.

Right here you can use a colon:

Well, my dad is kind of like this: He may say things that seem mean...

When you decide on a title, you might want to use the word "perspectives" in it!!!

:)

Undergraduate / "Describe the world you come from..." MIT's Essay B Option [4]

Take the central truth of the essay, as you understand it, and express that truth in the intro section. You will make the essay solid by usig the intro to introduce the main theme. Put this introduction (of the profoundly meaningful truth expressed by the essay) in place of this part:

All these can be illustrated as a harsh childhood. My world started from a family which constituted of a workaholic father who typically disciplines himself by keeping a rigorous routine and an astute yet overprotective mother who is quite meddlesome in terms of people's lives.

There are positive aspects to this style of upbringing; one of them is developing a phlegmatic persona that easily follows instructions. I was taught by my father the importance of saving money for the long run rather than wasting it on temporary materials. Due to financial limitations, I only own few collections of LegoŽ blocks, allowing myself to recycle the building blocks in order to make other designs. I never had the toys my friends had and I never talked about the games my friends played. I even had to negotiate for books. Thus, at an early age, I came to understand the difficulty of earning money and sensibly using it for daily necessities.

All this italicized content above is unnecessary. Replace it with a meaningful statement about the central theme. Then, repeat this truth in different words at the end.

:)

I hope that helps!!!!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Common app essay help (karate as a means to build my character) [4]

Nope, don't be stressed. If college, and the careers it prepares you for, are causing stress, it defeats the purpose of it all. Enjoy the intensity.

Undergraduate / Florida State University Essay-- the summer before my senior year [4]

Yes, I agree with this advice about the weakness of the first paragraph. Try starting with paragraph two, which is quite strong. I see no errors, so just tighten it up by incorporating the important points from paragraph one into the other paragraphs.

You are a good writer!

Undergraduate / 'amazed by electricity' - Petroleum engineering Admission Essay [2]

I'll put a period after his quote here:

"Scientists dream about doing great things. Engineers do them" (-James A. Michener). That is what I am, a doer, a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency. My reason for taking up Engineering first up has been simply a manifestation of my own selfishness.

Wow, very interesting! Students don't usually open with a mention of selfishness!!

No errors, really. You can use the active voice here, and specify "significant" proportion:

I have spent a significant proportion of my spare time at a local fitness club maintaining a level of fitness.

Oh, here is an error:

I believe I can achieve my goals with the empowerment that I will receive as a student within your university -- an institution that is well known and well recognized globally. This would be another successful ...

Good luck!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / common app essay-nigerian culture [2]

This is excellent. I see no errors, and I am impressed by your thoughtfulness. I think the admissions person will be, too. Can you find room to speak a bit about the school, so that you will be showing that you researched the school? Perhaps you can add some comments about the diversity that already exists at the school. However, I must admit that this very meaningful essay laves little room for improvement.

Perhaps the first sentence can say, "I am proud to be a Nigerian, and my heritage is full of cultural beauty that I can contribute to [name of institution].

This way you will be connecting it to the school.

:)

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay #2 (What your freshman roommate should know about you) [5]

From my experience of attending conferences and sleeping in dormitories where nobody knows each other, and also from advice given by my friends at college, I have come to understand that the relationship between the student and his or her roommate is a very important factor in how well the student adapts to college life. Although the majority of international students will find it hard to adapt to new, multi-cultural surroundings, I am a minority.

Undergraduate / Four Short Answer Questions (family, club, song, why this college) [9]

He always mentions an old, Chinese: Learn from...

I am also thinking of starting a magazine in which students can introduce the distinctive cuisines from their respective cultures.

I would like to sing "The Only One Flower in the World," a well-known Japanese song.

This part is very impressive:

My father is a senior IT researcher. Under his influence, I have developed strong interest in computer science. Your university is famous for top-rated programs in computer science and applied math. I am sure I will benefit greatly if I can be luckily enrolled. My dream is to design a "fluid bio-computer" that can change shape, work with its BUS as cells, complete computing with cell groups, and transmit messages with its fluid.

Undergraduate / 'DNA and my future biological studies' - Cornell Arts and Science Supplement. [6]

People wander through their short lives with sorrow, and they sometimes leave the world without having made their marks on it .

Their quick departure from the world puzzled and traumatized me, but most importantly, it built curiosity in me. At that tender age asked myself the "Whys," "Whos," and "Hows" which my teacher, upon presenting them unto him, answered by one word: "Genes."

In the first paragraph, add a specific statement about what you hope to accomplish in life, givn all these observations. In the last paragraph, mention that aspiration again. This will give structure and meaning to the essay. It has a lot of potential, but everybody needs to revise a few times before they like a essay.

:)

Undergraduate / why xxx university? [3]

Yes, it is true that watching videos online and studying the website give you plenty of understanding, even if you have not actually been there.

Try to connect values that a prominent in your country with values that are emphasized by the school That will go a long way to show your thoughtfulness.

Try to focus on your aspirations -- academic and professional -- and how the school can help you to achieve them. With a focus on your aspirations, you can write about the special resources provided by the school It will show your seriousness.

Undergraduate / Essay about myself.... in 3rd eyes... [4]

This short story is about one of my friends . I've been with this friend for a long time, so I don't remember, but I remember clearly his first failure, for it was the first time I recognized who he is, or in fact, he was.

Let's get on the time machine and come back to the summer of 2006 ...

...

Our protagonist felt like he was in hell when he got into Kim Lien High School. Everyone said that he was lucky that he could still have the opportunity to study here, where most graduated would matriculate to university. But the problem was that he didn't love this long-established and honorable school, where everyone just stuck with studying for the national university-entrance exam.

...

Mr. Almost started playing basketball since then, for he hoped that it would refresh his mind and turn him back into ...

I like this part a lot: I haven't been able to perform a dunk yet, but I have touched the rim of the basket easily, and everyone on the team appreciates my effort for advancing.

But Mr. Almost seems to have never come back. Where'd you go Mr. Almost?

Book Reports / Literature: "The luncheon" and "The escape" by W.S. Maugham [3]

Two short stories by William Somerset Maugham, "The Escape" and "The Luncheon," both describes grieving experience of men towards women.

When you use quotations, it is usually important to cite the page number in parentheses...

Can you give more detail to your thesis statement? Since these events are anything but pleasant and memorable, the author expresses his severe criticism towards women. What are the implications of this? What are the specific criticisms of women? I see that you show the specifics throughout the essay, but you can do even better if you refine the thesis statement.

Undergraduate / Discussion: Candid or Safe? [3]

Yes, you are right. Big, fat lie. :) And besides, one person's safe is another person's candid. Wait, does that even make sense? What I mean is, you might try to be "safe" and end up just as unsafe...

A reader can tell when you are being genuine, and that is most important. Be genuine, and then go back and check to see if anything you wrote can seem irreverent toward the admissions process -- or offensive in any other way.

I choose candid! Conservatively candid.

Undergraduate / 'I re-focused' - Stanford Short Essay #1 ( a sense of intellectual vitality) [8]

The timer started ticking down -- tick, tock, tick, tock. All I had was a question paper, a couple of lined papers, pencils and an eraser. As I opened the paper, I immediately read through the first question.

A couple of minutes later, I ended up at a dead end.

NOW, connect this accomplishment with your aspirations and/or intended major. If you can somehow make a connection between INSIGHT you gained from experiences such as this one and the REASONS you chose this school, that is even better!!

Writing Feedback / Essay comparing two Short Stories-Topic: Naive Narrator [3]

Well, use italics instead of " " marks for titles of books:

In both Frank O'Connor's First Confessions and Tallent's No One's A Mystery, naïveté between both narrators is exhibited under two dissimilar outcomes through the prevail of a "wise" youth and the downfall of an idealistic dreamer.

Your writing is good! The only thing you need is a stronger unifying thesis. Put a good thesis statement after this part:

Within fiction, authors often use the persona and substance of a specific character to portray a certain truth. Whether or not the naive character uncovers this truth triumphantly or plummets to a fated downfall is solely up to the character. In both Frank O'Connor's "First Confessions" and Tallent's "No One's A Mystery", naïveté between both narrators is exhibited under two dissimilar outcomes through the prevail of a "wise" youth and the downfall of an idealistic dreamer. Both stories share a similar use of elements and conventions to help place emphasis on the lesson learned, and strengthen the morality of the story. (right here, make a statement that tells about the wisdom that can be gained from looking at the similarities and differences between them)

Then, repeat that thesis statement at the end.

Also, check out this site: depts.washington.edu/pswrite/compare.html

Undergraduate / 'maybe talked about food too much' - Why Bates supplement [7]

I want to make a difference. I don't have to change the world, but I want to make something of myself in college. I want to do internships, conduct a research project with a professor, to be a committed sports fan, and to help out in the community. I believe that Bates will give me the chance to pursue all these goals while I can still maintain my sanity. The 4-4-1 calendar will give me time to participate in many activities that may not be possible at other schools. In the final 5 week course, I could take advantage of this time and finally commit to a job. And with all these multitude of opportunities I hope to begin a new life at Bates.

Awesome, this first paragraph is great! However, your mom is right: the whole second paragraph has got to go! Replace it with a discussion of the ACADEMIC resources provided by Bates. You might need to do some online research to find out about the resources associated with your interests or intended major.

Undergraduate / A volunteer service; Georgia Tech Essay-What would you do? [2]

By gaining leadership experiences and a lesson in community service, I will make my life more meaningful. I believe that those two are the most essential part in my life because they have changed the way I am today.

Be careful not to tell about your memory of a volunteer experience when you are suppose to be answering theirquestion about what you, hypothetically, WOULD DO if you were taking a year off from school. Always connect it to their question, like this:

Being a hospital volunteer was the first and the longest extracurricular activity I have ever done in my high school career, and if I had a chance to continue this kind of work before starting college, I would not hesitate to do so.

Good luck!!!!!

Undergraduate / The University of Delaware admission essay - finding solutions to significant environmental issues [5]

Yes, like Sean said, this does have potential to accommodate the topic, but it is not quite right!

For example, here at the end, you need to change the focus so that it is on the environment:

For me, the sole reason for pursuing an advanced education is to make a significant contribution to my world -- and this includes protecting the natural environments that have provided my most meaningful experiences...

Take this theme of appreciating the earth and nature and connect it to your intended major, so that you can answer their question about how you will protect the environment -- in college and in your professional live.

Undergraduate / 'From the poor slums of Mumbai to America' - Brown application... [6]

Well, it is true that the "experience" you are describing is not clearly pinpointed. Add one sentence to the beginning -- a sentence that pinpoints the experience that you are writing about in response to the prompt.

As for titles, ALWAYS give it a title if you can. A title is the first thought you give the reader, and it is powerful. What tile would capture the meaning of this essay -- while also capturing the reader's attention?

Undergraduate / Common app essay: Topic of your choice ("a flower vase") [7]

With this understanding, some of my peers once likened me to a flower vase by teasing. How much they meant it, I didn't know.

I took no offense to her words.

No, the flower vase part is important -- don't cut it! :) It is profound. However, you can reflect a bit more on it at the end... a bit more than you already do with that last sentence. Elaborate on that last sentence to fill in the meaning.

In order to cut it down to size, try making some of the sentences more efficient by condensing them into fewer words. This makes your writing more powerful.

But keep the flower vase theme!!

:)

Undergraduate / UW Personal Statement, your college career to date [5]

Well, you do write quite well, and your long sentences are not run-on sentences. it is good that you can write with complex sentences, but when they become awkward you can just divide them up:

In addition to gaining a spot on the Vice President/Dean's list, I was inducted into the Alpha Epsilon Omega Chapter of Phi Theta Kappa as a member within my second quarter as a student in North Seattle. Eventually, I became the communications officer.

Here is another part I can fix:

Because of having lived in a service nation, I came to realize how valuable a contribution of community service can be. Through volunteering as a tutor to Somali refugee youths at the Secondary Bilingual Orientation Center School, I gained more than first-hand exposure to actual child development -- rather than merely the theoretical knowledge that textbooks provide. I also learned to appreciate the value of cultural differences; coming up with strange new food combinations has lately become a habit of mine...

Great! I see that you use semi-colons to manage long sentences, too. Good luck with your upcoming drafts of this!!

:)

Undergraduate / Common app essay help (karate as a means to build my character) [4]

With my heart racing and adrenaline pumping through my body, I barely felt the blow to my head.

I gasped for air and tried to regain my composure as I practically crawled away, but it was too late. With my back to the floor and my eyes fixed onto the blinding light directly above me, I heard the announcer end the match and declare my opponent as the winner.

I learned I should never fear failure and that I should always expect triumph, as long as I know I put in my all. This is an ideology I apply to karate, my schooling and all my endeavors.

GREAT!! The admissions people do not often get to read essays that start out with an action scene!!

You will do well!!

:)

Undergraduate / The Jerome Fish Program ; UPenn Dual Management &Technology [3]

Not crappy! You write without errors. I think you should show that you understand what career opportunities this gives you. Research what people do after taking this double major, and give a little explanation of what you see yourself doing with it a few years after graduation. Right now you are a bit vague about it.

Not crappy, though!! :)

Undergraduate / What is your favourite word and why? - Uni of Virginia [15]

Yes, and I especially like this sentence: Life is fragile, so I believe in living for happiness.

I see no errors, and I think you are well above average because of your excellent choice of "haha."

Undergraduate / I believe that my submission is a strong reflection of my potential (Flex Path Option) [3]

This sentence is unnecessary:

For the past year or so, I have managed my own photography business.

Because I manage my own business, it is extremely important that I stay well organized; during my busiest times , I could have anywhere from ten to fifteen orders for pictures, each with nearly two-hundred pictures each. If I was not organized, then all of those pictures would get mixed up and everyone might get the wrong pictures...

Wow, you write very well, so I only suggest that you revise for conciseness. It seems that you answer the prompt very well. good luck at WPI!!

Undergraduate / UNC- Best Teacher [4]

My first impression of him was that he was tough and old. He had gray hair and stood in front of the classroom in a way that was rather statue-like, straight face with arms folded. But within only a month, I noticed his personable character. My Latin teacher Mr. Pendrick is the only teacher who would ask "What 's up?" instead of "How are you?" in the hallway and while he walks his dog around town. In class he would often crack a satirical joke to brighten up the atmosphere. I can always remember him rhetorically asking a student, "Watching the grass grow?" when the student is looking out at the window mindlessly.

And the second paragraph is very good! You answered the prompt well! :)

Undergraduate / brown supplements - the response. [4]

I have become decisive, firm in my resolve to succeed as a physician or scientist. someone that knows what I want. Ever since middle school I have been attracted to medical science and chemistry . It can be rather different for a woman to be interested in the science classes, but I feel that this is where I belong. Furthermore, I thrive on challenges even though I may not always succeed right away. I admit that chemistry can be a challenging course and I struggle with it at times, but in the end I find myself enjoying solving these ...

Wow, very impressive! Good luck as a physician or chemist! You can do both.

:)