Undergraduate / Brief Abroad Application paragraph. What do you hope to achieve academically & personally? [4]

Kate, here are some variations of "I hope to" that you can use in your essay. I'll leave the placement in the paragraphs up to you :-)

I hope to...
I look forward to...
In the future, I plan to...
I might engage in...
I see myself doing
I see myself accomplishing...

Try bring more balance to your essay Kate. Right now, I can see the immense concentration on the academic aspect of your college life. Yet the prompt wants to you present a more balance look at your academic and personal plans while at the university. So you need to come up with an equal balance in your discussion. I don't think you have a word limit on the response so you have all the room you need to balance out the social wit the academic aspects.

One way to balance the essay would be to offer 3 academic and 3 social achievements during your time as a student. Offer at least an overview of how you plan to do this. Mention some specific classes, professors, clubs, organizations, etc., as you see fit. This may require some research pertaining to the university on your part. The aim of the essay is to try to find out how you really know the university beyond what is on their website or student brochures. So try to reflect that in your response.

Scholarship / Being a warrior I have a hunger of making changes. Chevening LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [3]

Amanda, your narrative is really not responding to the prompt in a good manner. You are telling the reviewer all about the influences and mentoring that you received on your way to becoming a leader. You are telling the reader that you are not a leader, but you are capable of learning how to be one. While that is an admirable trait, specially for a woman working in a man's world, it does not offer any information about your existing leadership abilities and influence skills. What you need to present in order to properly respond to the prompt, are examples of your ongoing leadership and influence skills. That is what the reviewer is expecting to read about.

One way to revise this essay is to build your essay around the following portion of the existing essay:

Once finished Building Technical studies, degree in Civil Engineering, scientific researches and internships, I was placed as resident engineer in a Brazilian infrastructure company through a trainee selection where features such as enthusiasm and energy stood out from the crowd. The position assumed required leadership, confidence, balance, team work, dynamic, emotional intelligence, motivation and inspiration for self and others.

That particular part seems to indicate that you had to perform some acts of leadership and influence during your time working there. All you have to at that point, is present some scenarios or situations wherein you were called upon to lead. Maybe there was a major decision to be made and you had to take responsibility for the result of your decisions? Or you had to influence the workers to accomplish a task that they were unsure about. Whatever it was, no matter how small a leadership skill or influence that you had to exert, those are the responses that you should use for this essay.

The Chevening scholarship applicants have actual leadership experiences to relate in their essays. All of which deal with their current occupations or internships. Those are the strong essays considered for this application. Your application currently lacks that experience and ability. I am hoping that by revising the content of the essay, we can make your work more competitive in the application process.

Undergraduate / Habit of Eating Local Food Shaped My Attitude Towards Life - Prompt 1 Common App [13]

Definitely use this new version of your essay Jeremy. This is the best version that you have written and, just like anything that has reached perfection, should not be changed anymore. This essay clearly connects the logic of your culinary interests with the development of your personality, outlook, and beliefs in life.

The essay definitely makes it easier for the reviewer to get to know you based upon the parallelism that you created between your food choices, enjoyment, your way of life. The story of your education and its relation to your parents and the food that they raised you eating is definitely a plus factor for this essay. More importantly, you developed a very strong finish with the conclusion that you wrote.

Revising the third paragraph made the essay flow more smoothly and created an easier to read finish. The first one was a bit forcing through in the way you described the way that you developed your mindset through food. This version removed that situation. It is the best closing statement for this essay. Go ahead and use this version. This is as ready as it can get :-)

Scholarship / My main idea about leadership is to make a new challenge - an Essay for Chevening Scholarship [3]

Hi Kwajini. I am confused as to why you are discussing what the qualities of a good leader are in this essay when you should be presenting various situations and explanations regarding your development as a leader. That is a prompt deviation that can cost you the scholarship. If you take the time to review the other Chevening scholarship samples in this forum, you will get a better idea of what the prompt expects you to present to the reviewer and scholarship committee. Trust me, it does not include your high school experience as you have mentioned here. Although, with the correct presentation, maybe you can use the high school experience to highlight you influence skills. I'm just not sure if the reviewer will accept that as a valid example because it was so long ago and not related to your current profession or social skills.

The essay is quite specific with its requirements, you need to provide examples of your leadership qualities and ability to influence people. The high school experience that you have related does not really fall under these considerations. I did not see any real leadership role nor ability to influence people. The reason behind that is because you were simply too young to do such a thing. The most effective examples of leadership that you can offer can be related to some college activities such as leading a school organization, founding a school organization, work done as an intern, or any part time jobs that required your to lead and influence others.

Applicants for Chevening scholarships have some of the most impressive leadership qualities and influence abilities that can be found in future masters degree students. They take the essay very seriously and try their best to promote themselves as current leaders with the potential to become even more influential in the future. That said, the essay can never be about your future ability to become a leader. It is about your ability to lead at this very moment in time.

Do you have any relevant work experience that you can use to highlight your leadership and influence skills? It does not have to be a major event that you were involved in. Simple leadership and influence stories will suffice. What matters is that you can present current examples of your leadership skills. High school experience does not count at this point. A masters degree student must have more impressive leadership experiences than that which relate to their current occupation or socio-civic involvements.

Scholarship / Leadership & Influence Essay - Little help here for a non-native English speaker! [8]

Mayara, you hit the nail on the head! This is perfect! Even without real leadership experience, I could clearly see, through your narrative, that you were entrusted with leadership like tasks that helped mold you into a potential leader who knows how to properly use her influence in creating a network of business contacts. Good job! One suggestion though, can you please add a paragraph that will highlight how you managed to influence a group of people or a person so that you can have a stand alone proof of your influence skills as the prompt requires? That will really help make the essay stronger.

Corrections:

Par. 1:
Leadership is not ABOUT directing a group of people
It is rather about inspiring people to reach their full potential and supporTING them in moments of need.
the specific needs of the team and actING upon it. Therefore, I will describe situations when RE I saw that

Par. 2:
Being an intern means being in a position of constant learning with few opportunities of FOR leading.
The biggest event of the year I worked WAS INVOLVED IN there was the Rio+20 conference.
and by the end of the task force we delivered 50+ pages of content.
I learnt ED how to coordinate groups with different backgrounds,

Par. 3:
Those qualities were PROVED TO BE an asset
when I later became A Government & Public Affairs (GPA) intern
I tried to always take MAKE the most out of this position by
At first , my job description
and to lead discussions withIN other areas. Due to my performance I was contracted as GPA analyst,
trusted to be THE GPA representative

Par. 4:
being a better leader than I was on the day before.

Undergraduate / How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? [4]

John, don't waste your word count by including information about the founding father of university. The reviewer is quite familiar with Benjamin Franklin and his relation to the institution so any reference to him is not only a waste of space, but also a waste of the reviewer's time. Those are just references that you are using as a word filler. You don't need to do that. The reviewers prefer short and concise answers regardless of the word maximum.

Simply respond to the requirements of the prompt immediately so that you can concentrate on better building up what it is that you have to say. I would have liked to have seen more reference to specific classes that you are planning to enroll in. You really need to focus more on that. Most of your references to those aspects as just a bit too generic and general sounding for me, if I were the reviewer. Do some research, discuss the classes you want to attend and why. Show the reviewer that you actually know more about the university than just who founded it.

Keep the essay concentrated on the academic aspect. The discussion about Locust Walk and the diverse community of the university is ill placed in this essay. It is not even an option to respond to in the prompt so adding it to the essay will only weaken the content of what should be a strong piece of written work. Just discuss the academics please. Giving the reviewer information that is not required nor implied will not only waste his time, but also make him think about how well you can follow instructions. That will not be a good thing for your application. Your intellectual interests are already well represented with your paragraph relating to your founding an aviation club and other related activities.

Undergraduate / Shooting monkeys or saving food - Common App [3]

Avishka, one of the questions that came to my mind while I was reading your essay was, "Why was your grandfather trying very hard to protect his fruits?" Surely there was a reason that he was attacking the monkeys in such an aggressive fashion. If he was protecting the fruits because these were his source of income, then we can understand the reasons why he was defending his produce. You need to first establish the reasons why your grandfather considered the monkey's a bane to his fruit's existence otherwise, he just comes across as a cruel individual, despite your stating that he was otherwise.

By the way, when you say he is a gentle person, the reader cannot be sure of that. So maybe you can show his sensitive side with a simple sentence or thought that came your way as he drove away the monkeys. Remember, when writing a narrative, you need to support your statements either through depiction or fact. Either will do.

I'd like to offer you a revision of the following line in order to make it stronger:

I demonstrated that the differing societies binding me together can associate and come to fruition

I believe the sentence would have more of an impact if you instead said :
I amazed my grandfather by showing him that I could blend my Sri Lankan and American heritage. I managed to prove to him that although I had two types of cultures within me, those cultures did not produce a bad person. Instead, it produced a well rounded individual who knew how to merge the two cultures within himself for his own betterment.

Undergraduate / My Love for Law and Economics - USC Writing supplement [4]

Alessandra, please do not use the term "nail in the coffin" in your essay. This term connotes a death or something negative. It is not a positive thing to say. So do not use the term to close your essay. That is the not the term you want to close it with. You could replace it with something like "was the deciding factor for me to opt to attend USC" instead. Just close the essay on a positive note :-)

Drop the references to "Body of Proof" and "Castle". As a fellow fan of those shows, I'd like to tell you that I am glad to have come across you here. As a reviewer of the essay, I don't believe that mentioning those shows will help when you have said very little throughout the essay about how you plan to use USC and its facilities in the pursuit of your academic interests. Use the released word count to make a statement about the academic activities at USC that you will be attending instead. Paint a picture of yourself as a hard working, resourceful, and research involved student instead.

It is not enough for you to just say that you are happy that USC will allow you to pursue multiple majors. Try to discuss some specific interests in those majors and explain a specific learning avenue at USC that will help you pursue more information and knowledge about those outside of the classroom. It could be anything related to using the library, or joining a campus organization / club that has a specific concentration on those interests. Whatever it is, you need to represent how USC has the tools for you to get the complete learning package.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: The Morning of Foamy Tears [6]

Hey Juhee ! Were you aiming to answer the prompt about a background, talent, or interest that could help complete your story as a student? If so, let me tell you that you did a fantastic job at it ! The humor by which you set up the story of overcoming your fear is a narrative that will most likely be remembered by the reviewer. After all, how many essays will he read that day that will bring him to laughter as he wraps up reading it?

One thing to note though, the essay would probably be better if you did not keep quoting the times of your actions in it. Nobody will believe that you were able to keep track of time while your eyes were burning with soap. If you can just tell the story without using a time reference, it will be smoother and funnier to read.

Other than that small critique from me, I really don't see the need to revise or shorten this essay. It is just the right length without going overboard on the wordiness. Maybe you can add something in the last paragraph about how that experience has taught you that you should constantly try to overcome your fears before it paralyzes you to the point of endangerment? I gathered as much from what happened to you in the bathroom and I believe that saying that will show the reviewer that you are still continuing to try and overcome your fears.

Undergraduate / 'My eyes sparkled as I looked at the body' University of California essay [2]

Ashwini, this is certainly an essay with unexpected content. It is not often that one will find a woman who has a keen interest in mechanics. Your choice of college course alone, coupled with your gender is already enough to make you stand out among the applicants. Add to that this very strong background essay and I would say that you have a pretty good chance of becoming part of the admissions committee top list for admission.

The parallelism you made between Harry Potter's wand and your screwdriver is one of the highlights of this essay. It is quite interesting to note that your passion was fueled by an interest you shared with your grandfather, which was then supported by your parents. As a backgrounder, you covered all the bases for discussion. Not a single topic you discussed weakened the essay. Not even the disapproval of your teachers.

Corrections to consider:

and learnt ED the ritzy names of a lot of components.

my grandfather decided to present TO me his first screwdriver as a family heirloom, of sorts.

He taught me HOW to unscrew screws ITEMS and encouraged me

I'd hawk around to find damaged radios, remotes, watches, CD players and spend hours together disassembling them

usually learnt ED of this

Not many girls wanted to fraternize with A girl

where I learnt ED about the different types of circuits

with the help of my grandfather but ANDused it to light up my closet instead .

One final note, please divide your essay into paragraphs to make it easier to read. Your topics are just continuous in one paragraph and that makes it difficult to keep track of the topics being discussed.

Graduate / SoP- Masters in Development Research on-Agrarian crisis and impact on peasant women [18]

Hargun, when you are in doubt because of all the differing advice that you receive, then you have to learn to choose which option you consider best for yourself. Weigh the options you have been given, review your essay, compare the effectiveness of the message it delivers first with the paragraph in question, and then without the paragraph. Then review your work from the point of view of a reviewer.

Which information do you think is uninteresting or unimportant from that point of view? That is most likely the information or paragraph that you should remove. At the end of all the editing we assist you in doing, it is ultimately your comfort and satisfaction with what you wrote that matters the most. We can only guide you so far.

My reason for omitting that paragraph is because I feel that it is a repetition of information that you provided with your supporting documents. Normally, people who apply for masters degree admission already have at least 2 years work experience or simultaneous undergraduate and work experience to call on when writing their SOP. You do not have any relevant work experience and your SOP really sounds more like you are presenting a topic approval for a dissertation or thesis more than anything else. The inclusion of that paragraph totally changes the slant of your SOP from professional to academic.

Now, I have given my opinion on the matter, you have to decide about whether to include the paragraph or not. Keep in mind that you have other supporting documents that you have submitted with your application. This SOP is just one of the factors that will be considered with your request for admission. If you feel that your supporting documents are not strong enough to support your desire for admission, then maybe, you should try to make the SOP all about your academic background instead of the more relevant experiences you may have had in relation to your interests. The choice is really yours :-)

Undergraduate / What did I wrong? I will never be perfect - common app essay [3]

Jeffyt, this is a very interesting essay. You actually took it full circle starting with your failure at the baseball game, the effect that had on you, and then how you found redemption within yourself so that you could move on from that failure. This is a story that will resonate with most readers who have had failures in life and have yet to get back up from their fall.

Some points for correction though:

Par. 1:
IT WAS A almost like a scene in a movie,
thirteen year old self waited on third base for the next batter to take her turn.
- Make sure that you clarify you are playing softball at the very beginning of the essay. The way you were speaking, it sounded like you were playing baseball.

"Don't cry it's just a game, you'll do better next time" I said to ASSURED myself .
my team's sorrowful faces have HAD been already been chiseled in my memory like an engraving on IN a stone.
From this THAT moment on, my confidence plummeted for the rest of the season and well into my high school years.

Par.2:
Before that softball game, my confidence was at a reasonable level. I performed as a THE main character in my elementary school play,
I spoke publically PUBLICLY with ease
Since the softball game, whenever I am WAS asked to speak in front of a large group of people, I instantly recalEDl the time I failed the team.

Par.3:
that has D been containing me for years. However, last year, in THE 11th grade
refused to be the one to butcherED THE this routine.

Par. 4:
The stage lights were about to illuminate the stage and WHEN , almost as if in slow motion, I saw myself losing the game again.
Happiness and excitement WERE replenished IN my body. From this THAT day on,
I learned to never let a small mistake bring me down again .
People make mistakes, it's what you do with that mistake to better yourself THAT MATTERS.
only you could CAN bring yourself down.

Par. 5:
My experience has motivated me to be myself and not worry about the fastball adversities LIFE may throw at me

Graduate / Good medical care should transcends the barriers of money and profit - UIC ESSAY - to be a doctor [3]

Arjun, first up, please delete the reference to watching medical television serials in the essay. As everyone knows that the serialized medical dramas are more geared towards fiction and and exaggeration of real life hospital situations, it is best not to refer to that in your essay. It might make the reviewer think that you have a distorted view of a doctor's job and his role in the medical community in relation to patient treatment. It would be just as bad as telling someone, "I watch a lot of CSI so I want to become a cop." It's more fiction than reality.

Instead, you should concentrate on creating the backstory of your volunteer work at the Palos Heights Community Hospital. Give us a primer. What led you to volunteer at the hospital? Why did you think that volunteering would be a good experience or community service for you? What did you learn from the doctors there that had some serious impact on you? This is the part of the essay that can truly respond to the "what introduced" you to this field prompt. Make that volunteer paragraph your first paragraph then bring your grandmother story down to the second. Use that story as the supporting information that further led you to the field of medical science. It will work much better when formatted this way.

For your future goals, you talk about what it is you want to do a lot, but not how you plan to do it. Try to develop some career plans, no matter how fictional sounding it might be, that will convince the reviewer that you will become a different kind of doctor in the future and that you will somehow, change the face of patient treatment through the uniqueness of your practice.

Graduate / Essay for WUSTL (In an essay of no more than 500 words, introduce yourself) [8]

Meng, like I said before, try to limit the information about your academic side. The inclusion of your previous academic experience only works to a certain degree. You can use the part about how you had a hard time fitting into your old campus and then learning about the transfer student group and your participation in it. That will show the reviewer that you are a person who will do your best to help improve the Olin community.

The other parts of the essay regarding the classes and your hopes for your studies at Olin, those don't fit in with this discussion. This discussion is about your and your personality and less about your academics. Maybe you have some other prompt requirement that will be more suited for the information that you shared about your past academics? I think some universities have those types of prompts.

With regards to your essay II response. I want you to make sure that you are not just repeating information that the reviewer can either, get a better idea of in another, more relevant prompt requirement or, something that he can learn for himself by referring to your submitted documents. You don't want to waste this open topic essay prompt by doing either of those things. The prompt is meant to allow you highlight something about your personal, academic, or social background that will show a sense of determination on your end to overcome obstacles or simply complete your course. So just make sure that you are discussing something that is not covered in other aspects of your application with this prompt. Put it to good use.

Now, there are some real grammar considerations to address in your essay. However, I believe that since I am asking you to revise some parts of the first and second essay, that we should hold off on polishing the language until the content or discussion of the essay has been perfected already. There is no sense in constantly editing the language if the language still has a chance of changing.

Undergraduate / TRANSFERRING HIGHSCHOOL, solving problems mainly through a trial and error. [3]

Hey Michael, I just want to make sure that you are answering prompt 1 which deals with a meaningful background, identity, interest, or talent? I just need to confirm it because there are 5 common app prompts this semester and the universities tend to switch them up depending upon their own requirements. Let me know if I am right ok? In the meantime, I will review your essay based upon content. I will help you with the grammar problems once you confirm the prompt. I would like to lessen the repetitions of your essay editing which is why I am leaving the final grammar edit for the very end.

In your first paragraph, you just state that your mother decided to transfer you to an international school. Don't be so direct to the point in this instance. This is your first paragraph. The basis of the whole essay. So make sure to build the background for the decision to move you to another school before you make the announcement that your mother decided to transfer you. Establish the underlying causes in order to create a connection between that event and your background. Show us why this event is important to you.

By the way, please correct the following:
- I always had a tint HINT of the other culture.

In your second paragraph, you explain that you are a lost boy. Can you provide some information about why you felt even more lost after transferring to the new school? I know that you are implying that you felt even more lost during the change in schools but it is not as evident as it should be. Did you have any experience during the adjustment period that left you feeling like you would never fit it? That is still an important part of the background story so develop that angle.

Once you have better developed the first two paragraphs, I am sure that you will be able to either develop the third paragraph further. It will develop a direct connection with the first two paragraphs and you will find that the revision for the third paragraph will be necessary in order to reflect additional information. Just do the necessary changes as it comes up. We will be here to help you clean it up :-)

Undergraduate / What Disney taught me. Divorce brings not solely a dismay - also the gift of realization. Common App [2]

Hey Jessica :-) I know that divorce is something that clearly affects the life of a child. It causes severe pain, trauma, and a host of other painful experiences that can scar a child for life. I am just wondering though, why you are discussing the divorce of your cousin's parents when you should be discussing a transition event from your own life. By the way, the transition event has to be from childhood to adulthood. So the fact that you were six years old in this narrative does not make it an effective tale to share in response to the prompt.

My opinion is that you should write a new essay. One that focuses more on the way that your parents transferred either more trust or responsibility to you in one way or another. Try to look up the other examples of similar essays here at the forum so you can get a better idea of what to do and not do when developing your own story.

The main thing you have to remember when redeveloping your essay is that the transition event can be anything as simple as getting your first car, to as complex as handling your first checkbook. All of those events that require you to learn to take responsibility for your actions will work very well for this prompt. The idea is to present yourself as an individual who is already considered a responsible adult at least in your immediate family circle. Right now, I don't see that reflected in this essay.

While I will not downplay the influence of Disney cartoons and your cousin's parent's divorce upon you, I still will not recommend that you use that topic as your response because, first and foremost, you were only a 6 year old when this happened so there was no adult transition involved. Even if you did learn something from it that you carry with you now at the age of 17. Second, this event did not even happen directly to you so all the more it has become irrelevant to the prompt. Finally, I believe that you can do better with this prompt. I am sure that there is an event in your life that you will be able to refer to as the basis of your writing.

Undergraduate / U Mich Essay #1 on a community where I belong [9]

Chris, here is the one important thing that you should know when you are writing an essay with a word limit, you always have to write more than the word limit in your first version. Don't worry about the word count the first time you write the response because if you always have the word limit in mind, you will not be able to properly tell your story nor include all of the important data. You will drive yourself up the wall trying to do that :-)

Instead, you should write everything down.Say what you want to say. Include all information that you feel is important. Don't leave anything out. This is your chance to get your thoughts down on paper. Forget the word count. Then, as you proofread your essay, you will find yourself unconsciously deleting the parts that are unnecessary, redundant, or simply, rephrasing certain sentences in order to make it tighter. All of these processes are part and parcel of not only editing the essay, but also of bringing down your word count.

So for now, just go ahead and tell your story. Then post the extra long essay in this thread. We will help you whittle it down to the necessary word count. With any luck, you might even be able to pick up some ideas or suggestions that will further help to improve your essay :-) Go ahead and write. Just write, we will help you take care of the rest.

Scholarship / [Chevening Essays] Building networks was essential for me to get my first internship [9]

Hey Mayara, you really have an impressive line up of networks and the places where you utilize them are quite notable. Those references certainly strengthen your essay. It shows that you know how to use your networks whenever you need to. However, that is also the shortcoming of your essay. You have spent so much time developing the image of your networks that you failed to explain how you developed your networking skills.

Keep in mind that the networks you created did not happen overnight. It took time, effort, and talent to achieve those networking goals on your end. That is why I find it such a waste for you to just keep on merely mentioning that you created so and so network during your time at so and so. As a scholarship reviewer, I would want to see concrete evidence of how you did this. Show me how the network was created. It is not enough to say that you have these networks. It is important for you to explain how you developed those as well.

You already said that you are a talkative person. That is a start with regards to explaining how you developed your network. From that point, you can also show how you manage to engage others effectively. It is not enough that you met these people at events and that you know their names. That only proves acquaintances. You should be able to show that you are capable of engaging these people in such a manner that they will actually want to work with you either for the first time, or again in the future. Show us how you make an impression through networking. How you manage to engage the people is just as important at the network you created when the two of you exchanged calling cards.

I don't see any problem with your concluding paragraph. It works quite well in reflecting your plans for the future.

Undergraduate / The flight lessons to become a pilot - common app with the convenience prompt [6]

Hi Johnny, I already told you how to improve this essay in my previous post. I guess you did not get what I was trying to say very clearly. Let me list down the points for improvement again, this time, I'll number it for your guidance.

1. What were you doing taking flying lessons if you were afraid of heights and you suffer from motion sickness? Try to explain why you took flying lessons even though your character traits were doomed to make you fail as a pilot. What made you face up to those fears and why?

2. What made you take up the instructors offer to fly again? Why did you decide to give it another try?

3. What changed during your second flight that made the activity more enjoyable and less nerve wracking to you?

The above questions are designed to help you improve or make your essay better. Add those pieces of information to help make the essay clearer to the reviewer. Right now, those are the unanswered questions that affect the overall essence of your work.

Undergraduate / U Mich Essay #1 on a community where I belong [9]

Chris, the essay is really good. You were able to perfectly depict the community that you came from and how it functioned. What made the community work and the kind of camaraderie that existed were all quite vivid and lifelike on paper. Indeed, it is an excellent first response to the prompt. The hook was engaging enough to make me want to read on. However, your opening paragraph seems a bit short. The ending is quite abrupt. I believe that you need to provide a transition sentence at the end so that the reviewer can be eased into the next paragraph properly.

The overall essay shows us how you were involved in the community as a member. However, your explanation of your contribution to the said group should not be limited to a mere membership role. When you are discussing the pumpkin butchering event, try to show us a sense of how you help the members of the community. Maybe you helped with the decoration of the house of Ms. Denis, or you helped clean up afterwards. We need to see a clearer sense of what kind of contribution you make to the community other than enjoying certain festivities during the year. One way you can do that is by introducing us to other people from the community whom you have helped somehow in the past. Yes, even if that contribution was as simple as walking the dog or taking out an elderly neighbors trash.

You should find a way to create a sort of relationship between you and the community so that when you get to the part where you have already moved and then you come back to join the pumpkin butchering, the reviewer will know that a part of that desire to return includes your desire to continue being a part of the community in a positive way. Right now, it just seems like you go back to be a mere member. As someone who has moved away, you should be doing more for your previous community than just that. You said so yourself, they embraced your return. So how do you pay that back through your position or the creation of your position within that community?

Scholarship / Leadership & Influence Essay - Little help here for a non-native English speaker! [8]

Yes, I believe you should cut it. Keep in mind that you are applying to become a scholar for a masters degree course. As such, you are expected to have had far more relevant experience in leadership and influencing people within a professional setting. All other applicants will be presenting real world influence results that can be verified by the scholarship committee. So you need to make sure that your own experience will reflect your professional ability to influence people. Influencing high school students is a far cry from the kind of influence that you need to exert in the professional world.

Don't forget that in a real world set up, an influential person is considered a good leader. He is a good leader because he can convince people to listen to him and follow his decisions. That convincing power is known as influence. His ability to change people's mind to think like him, or his ability to make people believe in what he is saying, is an example of a person with a strong influence. That is what we are looking for here. But not in an academic setting. Always aim to set yourself up in the professional world because the scholarship committee is looking for future leaders and influential people. That means, your experience has to be current and up to date in order to prove your ability as a leading professional in your chosen field.

While participating the Model U.N. is really something admirable during your undergraduate and high school years, it really loses its relevance once you leave college. While your involvement was to make the students be involved in the issues, the fact that it did not result in any real action or decision that was implementable in the real world makes it nothing more than a practice session from your past. The lack of implementation, even though you are rich in inspiration, means that the influence was incomplete.

Now, if you feel that you really want to use that example in your essay, then go ahead and do so. It is not my place to prevent you from doing something you want. My authority does not go beyond giving advice to the students :-) The final decision about the content of your paper is left all up to you.

Undergraduate / Princeton BSE Essay: "Why Princeton Engineering?" [6]

If you can find a way to relate the first paragraph to your first experience in Engineering, that would be great. Rather than just explaining that you asked your father to dismantle the toy and that you were dumbfounded by what you saw, try to extend the discussion. Include some comments about how you tried to put the to back together without your father's help and that is how you had your first engineering activity that got you hooked.

For every paragraph in the essay relating to you experience, I find that your discussions are too short and not as informative as it should be. Try to present an idea or conclusion that you developed as you participated in these activities. Show the reviewer that you were constantly developing your engineering skills so this move to study engineering in college is really just the next logical step for you.

Definitely build up the preceptors discussion. That ties in directly with the prompt requirement asking you to discuss how their engineering program will suit your interests.Try to describe how you plan to use the experience with the preceptors to your advantage. It is important that you always develop your sentences stating actions on your part completely. Normally, the complete paragraph for such a thought would include examples of a preceptor discussion you look forward to having for some reason. Just be very clear in stating that the preceptors are one of the reasons that you chose to attend Princeton.

Scholarship / Leadership & Influence Essay - Little help here for a non-native English speaker! [8]

Mayara, I would like to advise you to not discuss your model UN participation in this essay. Since it happened in high school, it does not really count as a part of your real world experience which, is the main focus of the essay. The Chevening scholarship reviewer is going to be looking for real world leadership experience on your part and the Model UN just doesn't fall under that criteria. While you may have been trying to find solutions to real world problems at the conference, none of these ideas were implemented and thus, does not qualify as a real leadership experience.

I would rather have wanted to see you discuss your internship as it relates to the development of your leadership abilities. Name the company you interned for, what your job description was, and how you utilized leadership and influencing skills in this set up. Use specific examples of leadership, regardless of how irrelevant it might seem to you. What matters is that you can share real world leadership experience. If possible, relate these leadership woes to the leadership role that you envision for yourself in the future.

There are a number of Chevening leadership and influence essay samples available under this thread alone. Why don't you look over some of them so that you can get a better idea of how to write the internship leadership experience? As someone who will be up against candidates who have more and highly impressive real world leadership experience than you do, the only way that we can make your essay stand out is by making sure that it is presented in a creative and interesting manner. A method that will be sure to keep the reviewer interested in reading the essay and hopefully, add recall possibilities for your essay.

I don't really think that referring to Eisenhower at the beginning and end of your essay is necessary. If we can refocus your essay and present a more interesting example of your leadership and influence skills, you may just find that the Eisenhower references are really not needed in your work.

Undergraduate / Princeton BSE Essay: "Why Princeton Engineering?" [6]

Not to tear your work into shreds but, we've got a problem with your first paragraph. You can't say you saw the corn popper as a baby. A baby cannot pressure his father into dismantling something. A baby can't speak beyond incomprehensible noises. Rather than saying you were a baby, instead say you were a little boy or an 8 year old or something, anything that will make it clear that you had the ability to analyze a simple toy and ask about it. A baby just can't do that.

Not surprisingly, this initial interest translated into an interest in Lego Technic models. I would save up lots of money just for these awesome models. When I did have enough, I would spend it on huge builds with over a thousand pieces. I would spend hours upon hours spinning wheels or twirling tiny gears as I built the models just to see how they would interact with the rest of the pieces. Frankly, it never got boring.

- There is no need to let the reviewer know how you came to won the Lego pieces, just that you did. Focus on relating the function of building the models to an increase in your interest in engineering as teenager.

In high school, this interest took on a new edge when I became interested in PCs and computer technology. Even if I couldn't afford any of the pieces, I would spend hours upon hours researching, reading about the Z87 architecture or the GTexel/s output of a GPU. All of this research never got boring because there was virtually limitless knowledge out there.

- Do not fixate on how you came to own these things. It is not of any interest to the reviewer. His only interest lies in your response to the prompt. The story about how you did not have money to buy or had too much money to buy is irrelevant.

The department will guide me to THROUGH necessary courses like ELE203

The preceptorials will certainly help with that too.
- How do you see it helping you? Explain it a bit for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Cornell CALS Supplemental Essay- ED Environmental Science & Sustainability Major [3]

Hey Duncan :-) I came up with an edited version of 476 words for you. I removed the parts that I felt were unnecessary and simply delivering information to the reviewer that were unnecessary to the paper at this point. My corrections are written in caps. This is meant more as a guide essay than the actual edit that you should use. Unless of course, you want to use this version already. In which case, feel free to do so :-)

Witnessing China's evolution OVER the passing years encouraged me to fortify my understanding of the implications of modern development BY selecting courses such as Environmental Science and Social Entrepreneurship, which in turn prompted my involvement in school-sponsored service trips.

which eventually formed the basis of my school TED talk, "The Future of Hospitality."

Through the integration of MY two previous majors, Cornell's newly designed ESS would bring value to my experiences by providing me with the core foundation necessary to develop a strong background in environmental science.

In all, the freedom of self-development from access to ESS integrated courses not only excites me, but ensures I would be prepared for a future in the environmental realm, whether it be in business or law, entrepreneurial or analytical. As the environmental issues of today wait for nobody, CALS .

Graduate / SoP- Masters in Development Research on-Agrarian crisis and impact on peasant women [18]

Hargun, I am going to try something here because you really cannot understand the instructions I am giving you. You are unable to formulate the correct statement of purpose for your masters degree course and time is running out on you. I am going to show an example of how to write your Statement of Purpose. My sample will be incomplete but you can use it as your template. This is really a very simple piece of writing that should not be as problematic as you have made it. You keep trying to turn in a research paper as a statement of purpose. That is not what you need. No matter how I try to guide you, you just can't come up with the correct answers that are required for it. I have a gut feeling that if I do not step in this way, you are going to miss your deadline with the endless revisions we have been working on because you just don't get it.

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This is how you should write the opening paragraph. All it should contain is your purpose for higher studies:
As an undergraduate student, I realize that I may not be considered a strong contender for a masters degree as I lack the required professional experience for a masters degree applicant. However, I firmly believe that I do not require work experience in order to pursue my goal of gaining the theoretical and practical knowledge required in order to research gender issues in relation to the farmer suicides that have been happening in India. By continuing to pursue higher studies immediately after my undergraduate studies I will be able to create a relevant and useful research paper regarding the issue that will hopefully, help to end the injustice being unleashed upon the farmers of India.

This is what paragraph 2 should contain (talk about your internship):
I hope that you will not underestimate my qualifications and ability to complete this course based upon my being an undergraduate. As you can see from my supporting documents, I have managed to create an impeccable resume that details my important internship work that carries a direct relevance to my chosen major. As an intern for the National Commission for Women during the National Women's Month, I assisted with projects that celebrated women's rights in coordination with the National Human Rights Commission of my country

You can use your existing paragraph 4 as the paragraph 3 of the new essay. Close with paragraph number 5. That will be a solid enough statement of purpose for your application. The paragraph 1 and 2 that I created is the guideline by which you have to write those paragraphs. Do not change the content, just write something along the lines of my example. We can clean it up and spin it later.

Graduate / SoP- Masters in Development Research on-Agrarian crisis and impact on peasant women [18]

Hargun, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the fact that you find my help truly useful and inspiring. I hope I can continue to inspire you to keep working on this letter as well :-) It is still in need of revisions but I believe we are slowly getting to the polishing stage for it. Can you tell me when you plan to submit this? I need to make sure we don't miss the deadline for submission.

Now, please do me a favor and place the following information in the first paragraph:

1. The goal of your desire to study a masters in Development Studies. What career or job do you see yourself working in after you complete the course?

2. The relation of that goal with your current job. For example, are you interested in the masters course because you want to get a promotion at your current job?

Those are the 2 major questions that need to be represented in your first paragraph. You do not offer that information at all in your current SOP version so that paragraph does not really work. The answers need to have a personal connection far beyond theoretical knowledge and applicable research abilities. However, you can still mention the interest in the field of gender sustainability and political economy of development. It is one of the motivations for your interest in the course.

Is there any possibility that you have actual work or professional experience that can relate to your interest in the masters studies? If you can show that you have been working in a related field, you will better be able to portray the necessity for your studies and the usefulness that it will offer you first, as a professional and then, as a member of the industry. Your essay contains too much academic references that do not really help paint a picture of you as a current professional who know how and why these masters studies are relevant to your work duties. The historical aspect of your study and the questions that you have could best be represented as a manner of research that you look forward to undertaking as a masters student. Don't pose any questions in your essay that you cannot provide an answer to. You are not defending a thesis or dissertation here.

Retain your paragraph about your plans for returning home and the position that you wish to work in as a member of the foundation. That plays right into the short and long term career plan expectation of a statement of purpose. It is one of your strong and more applicable paragraphs in the current essay. The conclusion is also strong and works with this essay. You do not need the closing salutation that you have now. This is not a formal letter. It is a statement / essay.

Graduate / Essay for WUSTL (In an essay of no more than 500 words, introduce yourself) [8]

Wang, you were able to fully address the first question perfectly with that single statement line of yours. It was very clear that you were influenced by Wall Street and that you are looking to become a financial analyst at the end of all of these studies.

As for your introduction though, I am not sure if you are on the right path there because the instruction was to allow the reviewer to get to know you as a member of the Olin community. I believe that your introduction should be less about your interest in the course and classes that you will be taking and more about who you are in a less formal fashion.

Since you will be introducing yourself to your classmates, the tone of the essay should be casual and upbeat. Maybe give your name at the start of the talk, then tell them where you come from. Talk about some other interests other than financial analysis. For example, what do you like to do for fun? What hobbies do you have? As a member of the Olin community, how to do you see yourself helping your classmates? How would you like them to get to know you as (helpful, dependable, etc.) ? Be friendly in tone and welcoming. Let them feel that you are a warm and personable person whom they will enjoy having as a classmate.

You don't have to rattle off all of the classes that you previously took, nor concentrate solely on your academic side. As a member of the community, you need to show them your casual side and that you know how to balance work and study so that you and your classmates can enjoy the college experience together :-)

Graduate / Letter of Intent for Admissions to Masters of Public Health - how this program fits to my goals? [5]

Ceekay, first things first, your opening paragraph leaves me, in the position of a reviewer, wondering what it is you are trying to tell me. There is nothing clear about your intention to enroll in MPH within that paragraph. Your opening paragraph does not need to be flowery and call upon the reader to ponder information. It should instead, offer a clear idea of the purpose for your interest in MPH. Don't waste the reviewer's time by presenting information that is public knowledge (475 Canadians have ...) He doesn't need nor is he interested in the lecture. What he is interested in is your intention for enrolling. So give him that. Don't make him look for the information. Offer it up at the very beginning.

Your essay covers a lot of background information about your current work experience. However, I don't really see a direct connection with your interest in MPH. In paragraph 2, you claim that you have an advantage of experiencing healthcare from an individual patient's perspective, including an understanding of the role of a provincial health agency's operations. Yet you do not present any concrete evidence of this. That paragraph would have been improved if, rather than talking about your being a preceptor, you presented evidence of your participation in the experience and understanding of the role of the agency. Present some problems that came to your attention and make a claim that these were the reasons why you decided that you wanted to help change the system by gaining a MPH. These statements will help to better transition your essay into the next paragraph that deals with your interest in research. Which by the way, is a very good touch in the essay. Reviewers like to hear about the type of studies or experiments the students want to undertake. If you can make a clear connection between those interests and the programs or internships of the university and how you plan to utilize both, you will definitely have strengthened your essay even further and provided solid information that a reviewer may just keep in mind when considering admission candidates at the admissions committee level.

Your concluding statement is quite strong. It offers a clear insight into your future plans and the way that you perceive the university as being able to help you develop your skills over the years as a graduate student. Would you be receptive to the idea of having you present a career plan for yourself along with the quote from TED? Reviewers normally expect to read about where you see your career taking you after you complete the masters course. Maybe you will be working for an international health organization or something. Just make sure they know that you have concrete career plans that you are looking forward to. The idea is to show the reviewer how you plan to utilize your degree and how you may be able to change of Public Health Management in the future.

Undergraduate / "Terps are diverse" University of Maryland-College Park/Diversity Essay/Outsider [5]

Hi Kerry :-) I love this new version of your essay. It is more focused and collected in terms of your thoughts and emotions. I have a few comments and suggestions, as well as grammar corrections to your essay once again. I believe these are necessary in the polishing process :-)

Scholarship / Experiences on living in San Francisco and Panama City - Motivation for Pursuing Graduate School [11]

Hey Kathryn, I agree with what Ivy said to a certain extent. The opening statement of your essay should be in its final form once one more edit is applied to the work that you did. The reason that I say this is because I would like to remove the focus of the opening statement from the contents of the book that you read and transfer that to your objectives and purpose for pursuing higher studies. Here is what I would like you to do:

One River is an exhilarating collection of narrative snapshots taken of the botanical research that Davis conducted in Amazonia in the 1970s. It provides a glimpse into the past of tropical botany: a moment in time when scientists were rapidly sampling new plant species that were previously unknown to science. So rapid was their pace that they needed to construct a makeshift drying oven in the middle of the rainforest, to ensure each plant sample dried properly. It was, I believe, the golden age of tropical botany. Without their perseverance and desire to document the biodiversity of Amazonia,

The reason that I am suggesting you delete that line is because the whole paragraph contains too much information about the book, leaving the information about your interest in the field for the very last minute. Your interest, which should be front and center in the opening paragraph, was practically reduced to an afterthought as you focused so much on the contents of the book. You will be submitting this to a reviewer who, for all intents and purposes, will have have either heard about the book or read the book. So you don't need to provide a complete summary of the book information. You need to make the reviewer focus on your information instead.

Now, keep in mind that you are only asking us to review the opening statement of your motivation essay. So if you decide to post the whole essay here in the future, you might need to adjust the opening paragraph along the way. That is if the rest of essay you write becomes irrelevant to the opening statement or if the opening statement lacks the punch required to keep the rest of your essay interesting. What you have written so far is an excellent start / foundation for a solid motivation essay though :-)

Undergraduate / The flight lessons to become a pilot - common app with the convenience prompt [6]

Hey Johnny :-) Your narrative is quite funny. All of us have experienced this sort of humiliation at least once in our lives. I admire you for having the courage to tell your story such as it is to a complete stranger. While others would have shied away from the topic and have been embarrassed by it, you found a way to use the story to portray one of your strong suits. That is what common app 1 is all about. Telling a background story that shows a sense of who you are.

In this case, I clearly saw your sense of determination and willingness to try again after having failed at something. Always an admirable trait in any individual, most specially a student. I just have one question though, what were you doing taking flying lessons if you were afraid of heights and you suffer from motion sickness? That is a lethal combination of illnesses for someone who wants to become a pilot. You didn't really explain how you ended up in the flying school before you told the story. I think that you need to represent that in order for the reviewer to better understand the reasons why you would feel the need to face up to your fears.

By the way, in the part where you tell the reviewer that the instructor invited you back for another lesson and you have no idea why he did that, it is not really necessary for you to add the part in the parenthesis about that. It doesn't really add any information to the essay so it doesn't need to be there. If you remove the parenthesis statement, the instructor automatically comes across as a kind soul who decided that you deserved another chance, regardless of the reason :-)

The rest of the essay is alright in my opinion. It offers information about you that would not be made available through the other prompt requirements. You shared not only a background story in this case, but also an insight into a talent (flying) that not everyone has the courage to try or ability to accomplish. So that helps to set you apart as a college applicant for sure. Not all of the applicants can refer to being able to fly planes as one of their talents :-)

Undergraduate / Habit of Eating Local Food Shaped My Attitude Towards Life - Prompt 1 Common App [13]

Wow Jeremy! You really surprised me with this essay. It is an excellent background narrative. It perfectly ties in your upbringing, family background, and love for food with your development as a person. Seriously, don't change anything about the theme of the essay. It is perfect for your purpose and ties in well with your other essay. I can sense you are trying to start a theme here :-)

Anyway, let me try to jump in with some language improvement. I think that is all that is left to clean up here unless you have some concerns you would like to take up with us here regarding the content of your essay :-) This will be in paragraph form as usual.

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Par. 1:
That's what most people seem to miss, but not me.
I regard A cheap local culinary adventure
When WHILE other people are busy making reservations at a five-star Italian restaurant,
I'd be huddling up in a FOOD-line , ordering spicy tofu in a street kiosk.

Par. 2:
My parents are just humble proprietors of a small interior workshop - Do the reviewer a favor and explain what you mean by an interior shop. He may not be familiar with it.

With all their might and grit AND DETERMINATION, my parents worked.
our culinary recreations would instead be held at the nearest night market.MY PARENTS CALLED IT GOOD FOOD AT AN AFFORDABLE COST.
my family and I voraciously ate a bowl of bakso (meatball soup) while still able to be sharing STORIES OF laughter and happiness.
reminded me of the hard work and sacrifices my parents made for me, AND reminded me to study hard when I feel tired,
reminded me to never lose GIVE UP hope on myself because they haven't lost their hope on me.

Par. 3:
I recalled the "nasi bungkus" I had for lunch yesterday.
How t Throughout the years
my discovery of its inner value eventually led me to embrace it. - What inner value was that?
to ensure I receive the best facilities EDUCATION AND CHANCES for my future.
Through this sudden epiphany I am WAS taught to gladly relish every mouthful
In other words, I succeeded in making the most "utility" FULLY UTILIZING , as economists would say, out of my THE humble "nasi

This newly developed attitude inadvertently affected my outlook upon IN my life.
and confidently say "I couldn't afford it" when my friends WOULD invite me to eat at a fancy restaurant.

Writing Feedback / The capacity to accept criticism from others, though harsh vituperation, has a great role in a team [5]

Hi Zara :-) It's nice to meet you. I hope my help won't come too late for you. I've reviewed your essay and found some problems points that needs to be addressed. I am not sure if we can resolve the problems that you have before you take the TOEFL test but we will certainly try :-)

My first criticism of your essay is that it deviated from the prompt requirements in a big way. While you were supposed to simply disagree or agree that when team members who cannot accept criticisms will not succeed, you ventured into a discussion about the importance of cooperation in a team instead. If you review the prompt, your response should have been either one of two opinions:

1. Team members who cannot accept criticisms cannot succeed

2. Team members who cannot accept criticism can succeed.

Once you made a decision as to which part of the prompt to use in your essay, you should have then worked on using examples to better illustrate your reasons for supporting a side. In this case, you decided to say that cooperation was an important factor in team success rather than being able to tolerate opposing views. Now, review the prompt again, do you see where you made your mistake? Where in the prompt where you asked to discuss cooperation? The basis of the prompt is "success through teamwork". You were not able to properly identify the prompt requirement so, and I am sad to say this, the failure of your thesis would have resulted in an immediate failure of your essay in the TOEFL test. The examiner will immediately see that you have a weakness in English comprehension skills and do one of two things, deduct points from your essay or, automatically fail the essay.

The discussion should have only centered upon the agreement that team members who cannot accept criticism cannot succeed. The reason being that when one does not know how to accept criticism, then he will not be able to help the team perform well by adjusting his talents or skills to the needs of the majority. An example of this would be a basketball team. If the coach has a game play that he knows can win the game, he expects his players to cooperate with one another follow the game play. When a player is asked by the coach to position himself away from the goal and pass the ball because he is not a good shooter, that is a criticism that the coach says because he wants to help the player do what he is good at in order to help the team. Then the player decides to steal the ball and go to the hoop during the actual game and misses the goal. The team loses by one point. Did he help the team? No. Not only did he fail to succeed, but he dragged his whole team down with him. Do you now see how the essay could have been better discussed if you had not accidentally misstated the prompt?

Make no mistake about it, the TOEFL test will concentrate not only on the way you express yourself in written English, but also look at your English thinking process as reflected in the way that you wrote your essay. So one mistake could prove to be detrimental to your results. By the way, don't try to use extremely high vocabulary words such as vituperation in your essays. Keep the English words simple. Don't try to impress the examiner with your gift of big words, he won't be impressed. Impress him instead by presenting your thoughts using everyday English words coupled with the ability to make yourself understood using written English :-) That is all he wants from you as an test taker :-)

Scholarship / Scholarships and the Financial Aid letter - Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies [10]

Hargun, when you apply for a scholarship, just as with any other student grant, you are asked to submit additional documents that will provide the scholarship committee with enough information for them to consider as a whole in your application. Therefore, you will have submitted student documents, certificates, or some other papers that will prove your desire to complete your studies. So there is no need for you to assure them that you are dedicated to finishing your studies and helping to resolve the agrarian crisis in the future. The committee can already see that from the fact that you are applying for a scholarship. What you need to concentrate on, is convincing them that you deserve the scholarship more than the other applicant based upon your financial status, degree of studies, and reasons for wanting to acquire a scholarship.

While I will not stop you from using that final paragraph that you wrote in place of the sentence that you are questioning, I think I would rather see you write a totally different paragraph instead. One that reflects how you plan to promote the objectives and mission of the scholarship grant during your time as a masters student and then finally, as a graduate. How do you plan to repay the foundation in kind for their financial benevolence towards you? Why should they believe that you will give back to the scholarship after you graduate?

Here is the thing. I honestly feel that the last paragraph that you wrote sounds like you are groveling for the scholarship already. Don't do that. Always have a sense of self-respect. Don't beg so exaggeratedly in the essay. Keep a professional tone. What you wrote is frankly, overkill. You are trying to play the pity card too much in the essay. Just let the essay that you wrote speak for itself in an academically professional manner :-)

Undergraduate / A person want to meet - my grandfather. Personal Statement. [5]

George, in your statement, you say that you have not met your grandfather before. Can you explain why? It would help the reviewer get a background on why you would want to spend one day with him. It will explain a lot about your interest in meeting him even after all the stories that your grandmother told you about him. Also, is your grandmother still living? I am not sure if I should make that particular part of your essay, the one that goes "I constant heard about him...' if your grandmother still continues to tell you stories about him then it is alright. But if she is already dead, you should say "I constantly hear about him from..."

Anyway, here are my corrections to your statement :-)

If I can spend one day with anyone, I would pick my great grandfather. I have not met him before, but I constantly heard about him from my grandmother. He was fighting FOUGHT for the independence when Japan annexed Korea. He is also on the book IN THE BOOK (GIVE THE TITLE OF THE BOOK) as a great historical man. He is not as famous as other people who fought for independence, but my mother-side MATERNAL family is really proud of it HIM.

When I heard ABOUT this from my mother, I felt glad that I am in PART OF such A great family. One thing that made me sad SADDENED ME is that even though my great grandfather tried his best for the independency FOUGHT HIS BEST FOR THE INDEPENDENCE OF KOREA, he could not see the light shimmering on Korea. He died due to the disease from Japanese torture. If I get the opportunity to spend a day with him, I want to guide him through Seoul.

Over 100 years, uncountable things have developed rapidly e specially in Seoul. I want him to know what Korea has earned from the sacrifice of people who fought for the ITS independence. After that, I want to tell him about myself, and family. I am sure that he would be curious about how his granddaughter and great grandson are doing in this modern world.

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Note that I divided your response into 3 paragraphs so that it has an introduction, body, and conclusion. All the parts of an essay already existed in your work. You just needed to format it in the proper manner in order to make the parts more evident to the reviewer. You are well within the word count at this point and the form of the essay has become stronger as well :-) Don't hesitate to let me know if I can assist you with anything else related to this essay. I'll be happy to help.

Scholarship / Scholarships and the Financial Aid letter - Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies [10]

Hargun, I am not exactly sure about the relevance of the quote from Audrey Hepburn at the start of the essay. You did not make any reference to the quote within your essay so I don't think it should be placed there. However, I think I can come up with a way to use the quote as a hook for your essay. Let me include that hook in the edits that I will be posting below:

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As I sit at the dining table one more time with my parents, I cannot help but stare at my hands as we discuss yet again, the helpless situation that I am in academically. While my parents try their best to find a way to help finance my overseas masters studies, I have an epiphany. I realize that this task is not theirs alone to carry. It is my future on the line, my studies that need to be completed. Therefore, I should find a way to achieve those objectives. That was when I remembered and was inspired by the words of the great actress and humanitarian Audrey Hepburn who once said "You have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others." One of the helping hands that I need is a scholarship grant. A grant that will help me to help others in the future. It is my hope that your scholarship committee will find it within themselves to be that helping hand for my future.

Par. 1:
sustain my two year masters STUDIES on a foreign land OVERSEAS ,asm My father is a Central Government Employee We don't have assets that we could take help from,for financing TO FINANCE my studies .

Although my family supports me and have always supported me with my dreams, but I genuinely feel that
I have seen my parents taking the pain of loans to pay our school fees and how difficult it was for them to educate my sister and me. MY PARENTS HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT THEY FINANCIALLY CAN TO SUPPORT MY STUDIES ALONG WITH MY SISTERS, BUT THE FINANCIAL DEMANDS OF A MASTERS STUDY IS JUST BEYOND OUR MEAGER MEANS. Also b Being an International Student ,

Par. 2:
I would really wish for TO WIN the scholarship,
And m Moreover, I will feel relieved and happy about not HAVING TO dealing with loans and I would thus SO THAT I COULD focus more on my studies than focusing on finances which is very important .

Par. 3:
I believe that if someone has a passion for something they will excel in that field no matter what but , if you don`t get the chance or if you are not able to, you will lead a life of regret forever, . and with that said, I don't want to be in that situation five years from now. I have decided that I want to be a part of this Institute and I will work really hard and with full determination both academically and professionally for myself, for my education, and for those I have promised to serve.

I would be grateful to you if you could provide me the scholarship so that limited finances don't hinder my academic - professional growth and my dreams for myself ,my family and my society.

Ma'am/Sir, I am confident in joining the XXX and with the help of scholarship I am sure I will be able to study and focus on my thesis better. I really have an innate desire to work for women affected by the agrarian crisis and I assure you that I will work very hard and with full dedication and would make the Institute feel proud of my work in future.

Thanking you in advance in considering my application and giving the chance to show my motivation for the scholarship.

Thanking You
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The reason that I canceled the last part of your essay talking about your confidence in joining the university is because it is just a repetition of information that is better pleaded in the earlier part of the essay. I want your essay to tug at the heartstrings of the reviewer and focus their attention on your application merits more than anything else.

Undergraduate / Macaron Process for Common App Essay 2015 Prompt 1? [4]

Zachary, I agree with Kerry's opinion regarding your essay. It does not comply with the prompt requirements. Your macaron essay does not really perform any service when it comes to introducing you to the reviewer. This sounds more like an essay that would be be better used in a creative writing class. It does not work as a common app essay response.

You should opt to write an essay, based on the choices provided that you feel would best represent your background, identity, interest, or talent with the reviewer. Use the essay as an opportunity to discuss something about yourself that would not have come up in the normal course of your responding to the common app prompts. Try to pick a topic that will highlight an interesting aspect of your personality. If you have an experience or trait that you feel won't be able to stand out in the other essays, then find a way to discuss it here. That is what this prompt is for. It is open to any topic that you want to discuss, provided it falls under one of the 3 choices.

If you want to discuss something about baking, then make sure that there is something about the process that directly relates to you as a learning experience. Are you planning to apply to culinary school? In which case, this topic is quite relevant. You just need to find a way to make it more interesting. Perhaps by depicting it as the first time you tried to bake and got hooked by the pastry world in the process. Otherwise, consider your other options for a topic :-)

Undergraduate / Common App/ Challenged A Belief/ "If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." [7]

Not a bad revision Kerry. The essay has come together much better now and really portrays the open minded way of thinking that you developed over the years. By the way, you need to watch out for the voice that you use in the essay. Everything should be in past tense since these events already happened. That is why there are just a few grammar corrections that need to be addressed. Let me help you out with those below :-)

I still didn't hesitate and kept my voice clear

I felt all of the remaining eyes shift towardS us as tensionS grew

Our group compiled WAS COMPOSED of siblings

One contradicting opinion on a particular topic always evolves D

Ten minutes earlier I had predicted THAT this argument to WOULD fall

lived in the same town all a FOR THE majority of our lives

CONSIDERING all environmental factors contributing to our opinions.

I have found my voice

I chose not to interact with my friends as much from their treatment of others - Did you mean that you chose not to interact with your friends because of their treatment of others? This line is a bit confusing.

interactions with others from ON my core values of impartiality and respect.

I base my interactions with others from my core values of impartiality and respect. - Redundant line. You already gave this information earlier in the paragraph.

I'm proud of that encounter by BECAUSE OF how I proved myself that day.

the person I make sure I am today

Scholarship / Experiences on living in San Francisco and Panama City - Motivation for Pursuing Graduate School [11]

Hi Kathryn, sorry if I took so long to get back to you. I just finished reading your revised essay and I do believe that you have done a wonderful job with the revision. I see a clear sense of the inspiration for your desire to work in this field and you clearly stated the progression of the interest. However, I have some reservations about certain aspects of the essay.

One of my major concerns is that all of these enlightening moments came only from reading one book during a bus trip. It does not make any sense that a simple bus ride would end up making you rethink your whole future and delve into a totally different occupation from what you know. I would suggest leaving out the bus ride part and just saying that you read the book instead. That way you can morph some parts of the essay to reflect more of the things that you learned which inspired you to change careers.

When you are wondering about the golden age of tropical biology, can you make it seem like you were doing some research for a paper you were writing when you began to think about that question? That way you can present another facet regarding your motivation for graduate study. This could actually prove to provide the purpose for your interest in masters studies even though you do not have the proper scientific background for it.

Again, the essay has improved tremendously. It just needs to better represent certain aspects of your motivation in some ways. I hope my suggestions can help you do that :-)