Undergraduate / Describe the world you want to live in 2030 (150 words) [6]

Tam, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Lives in 2030 mightmay be very different from now.
- First and foremost( we don't use this phrase anymore, it's an old type of writing ) ,
- social aspects will have big changes.
- What'sis more,
- and magnetic levitationlevitating trains will travel at supersonic speed.
- Last but not the least,
- In conclusion, thatthis fiction of the future is where

There you have it Tam, I hope I was able to add valuable insights and remarks to your essay.
What I notice on your writing is the improvements that needs to be done on your sentence
construction, you're missing some linking verbs, some of the words are also not in the proper
form, again there is still a lot of practice to be done, practice makes perfect, Best of luck!!!

Graduate / 'hydrolysis of starch' - SOP of MSC food science program [4]

Lu, after reading your essay and carefully understanding all the scientific analysis and arguments that you stated in your SOP,
i must say you're on the right track!
Not much student will actually be able to identify what they want and why they want a certain program or practice,
but your decision in joining such program is coming from deep roots, knowledge and understanding on the field that
you want to pursue, very good job!

Now, apart from the remarks above, I don't see any need for a change on your essay, I believe you have done it well and to the best of your ability as a writer.

I just wish you the best of luck in this challenge and do let us know what happens, we'd love to hear from you.

Letters / 'preliminary preparation' - Motivation Letter for Master Program in Sustainable Energy Technology [2]

Reza, I'd like to share my remarks for the last 2 paragraphs of your essay as the other parts are already done.

- After successfully accomplishing my masters degree,
- through government's bodyagencies .
-I have an ambitionenvision to help the government of
- Indonesia to develop morein energy generation
- that is predominated
- by renewable resources which havehas less greenhouse gases emissions.
- energy will be evenly distributed
- well all over Indonesia,
- therefore,to ensure that every region and every district in Indonesia have an energy access.

- In brief, acquiring education in Sustainable Energy Technology Masters Program
- one of my ambitionsgoals thatwhich is to be usefula contributor infor the society.

There you have it Reza, I hope you find the remarks as helpful in enhancing your essay.

Scholarship / Tell us about something that may help us evaluate your nomination - need to enhance this response. [2]

Brayan, with the above remarks and corrections, you should be able to revise pretty well.

What I notice in your essay is the fact the it is written in such a precise way, very neat and formal,
not to mention that you also have a very good eye on putting words together where they dim fit.
It is a good practice to know and be able to coordinate your words the way you want the essay
is to be read by your readers.

Moreover,the length of the essay is also good, not so crowded and not tiring to read.
Grammar wise, there is a room for improvement and practice leads to perfection.
I also like the fact that you chose a quiet sentimental topic in your essay rather than
a normal or a usual topic for this essay.

I wish you the best of luck and do let us know if you need further assistance.

Scholarship / If you saw your best friend cheat on a test, what would you do: TJHSST Entrance Essay Prep [3]

Stephanie, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

3rd paragraph
- Moreover, by( avoid using the same words twice or more in the essay)B eing reported by
- their own best friend my friend may learn the lesson to never to cheat again,

Final paragraph
- While the initial feelingsemotions of animosity
- I would certainly take that actioncourse .
- Moreover,A s a prospective TJHSST student,

There you have it Stephanie, I believe this are the remarks to be done in your essay, not a lot, you did a good job in writing this essay,

just for further reference, make sure that you play with words, don;t use the over and over again, learn new words and read a lot,

this exercises helps a lot in coming up with a better essay.

Undergraduate / 'I am very cosmopolitan and maximalist person' - Personal statement for Information Technology [3]

Iveta, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- thinking seriously about my future plans ,
- Furthermore, I thinkbelieve ,
- that science in youra different country would

- which has helped me to achieve an
- in-deepdepth knowledge in the field

- After lessonsclass ,
- I reallywould like to be involve into various extra curial activities.
- These courses were available on the internet.
- To say a true, these courses for me were really severe,Honestly, this courses intrigued me because it was new and
- I have never been tried game programming before .

There you have it Iveta, I hope the remarks and corrections I made helped in enhancing your essay.
I believe you will be able to write a good essay, there is no doubt about that, all you have to do is practice,
write whenever and wherever you can, one more thing read English a lot, this two exercises really help
polish your English language practice.

Undergraduate / How to show my leadership and initiative for IVEY application? [2]

Dian, to address your doubt on whether to write the name of the institution or not,
I say you do, reason being, this will trigger the idea of your eagerness to be part
of the institution and showing a positive outlook in your application and you as an
applicant.

Dian, the edited version of the essay is also better from what you started, you were
able to incorporate the corrections that were suggested and in the process, you were
able to achieve the restricted word limit for your essay, that's a very good job.

I have seen some of your other essays here on EF and I must say, you have a very good
approach in accepting and acknowledging criticisms from the editors and contributors here
here on EF and we appreciate that so much, makes us feel that our help is valued.

I hope to see more of your writing pieces here on EF, best of luck to you.

Research Papers / "GMOs and Your Health" - Review and critique my research essay for ENG 102 [3]

Emily, after reading and understanding your essay, what I noticed straight away is
how you incorporated the work citation in the sentences itself and not only in the work
citation page. This is a huge step in making sure that the research you are conducting in
this paper is from a reliable source and getting that information right of the bat is an absolutely good idea.

More so, your word choice is great, it is in a level that any reader would understand, it's conversational
and the words are easy to understand. The presentation of the paragraphs are also good, however,
I suggest that you still put a space between the paragraphs to add that formal appeal to your paper.

Nevertheless, you have all the facts and information drawn from a reliable source and that for me is a great
asset in your paper.

Undergraduate / Proud "Hoya Saxa" slogan. Why Georgetown? -----Computer science and more [6]

Jize, I proof read your essay and with the enhancement done,
I believe your essay is better now and therefore ready for submission.
Changing the structure of your essay really brought the essay to another
level, it made it stronger and more appropriate to answer the prompt.
It is also good that it is well polished, the presentation of the paragraphs
looks neat and formal.

I hope you see the difference in acknowledging that there can be done
to enhance your essay, this allows you to see the difference of other
peoples view in your essay in order to achieve a higher level of
polished essay.

Nevertheless, you started good in writing this essay and you ended
great because you kept an open mind.

I hope to see more of your writing pieces here on EF soon.

Undergraduate / Influential Book- honors college essay [2]

Loren, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- The novel has influenced me not because of its literary achievements but becausein away that it has served as a cautionary tale.
- in a book that is so popular and well liked.
- I was shockedamazed that a book published

- Throughout my life, Twilight has served as a contrary model for how I should constructlive my life.
- E ven though its ideologies had such a toxic
- effect on the, the process o f realizing the
- Whether it is correcting a classmate who has said something

Loren, above are the corrections I made, I hope it helped. What I notice about your essay is your word choice,
I may be good in English but not good enough for the words you use in this particular essay, I have to look up
almost every word that you have used. In a way, it's good as I learned in the process, however, I suggest that you tame

the use of your words and if possible, write it in a more conversational level.

Nevertheless, it's good essay.

Undergraduate / WHY I BECAME VEGAN: to be healthy, save lives, and save the planet [2]

Kat, I read and tried to understand your argument in this particular belief and honestly, you did great
in making sure that you have inputs in all sides of the topic.

You were able to cover the questions as to, what is that belief that you got used to, what intrigued
you to try and explore this particular belief and what led you to make necessary action that led to changing your
belief. As I proof read your essay, I also felt great that you were able to write it in such a way that
your reader is able to understand it and the logical construction of your essay made it even better.

Nevertheless, it's a well written essay! For future reference though, I suggest that you make a little space
on your paragraphs in order for the essay not to look too crowded and try to go straight to the point, this way
you will have more time and space for your argument and not on the process that led such action.

I hope my insights helped and should you need further assistance do let us know and were here to help.

Undergraduate / Macalester College application essay; add a value to the Mac community, academically and personally [4]

Jon, after reading and understanding your essay, I believe what you did is right, the prompt is asking about your background, how this background will affect

or influence your stay in Macalester College.

The college would like to understand how would you be able to contribute to the community, not only academically but more
importantly personally, they want to know how your English culture and tradition as well as traits will be able to add in the
making of a better institution.

I would like to share the remarks below that will hopefully enhance your essay further.

- Coupled with my love of learning and finding new thingsexploration ,
- Because my experiences with other cultures areWith limited exposure to different culture ,

- However, what disappoints me the most in my peers is the view of education as being a necessary evil in order to achieve later in life( this sentence is not necessary ) .

- and not viewing school as a necessary evilnecessity

- learn more about others rather than ignore .

There you have it Jon, I hope my remarks and corrections on your essay helped!

Undergraduate / Question about demonstrating leadership, initiative, breadth, achievement, teamwork, and commitment [3]

Hi Josh, below are my final remarks for your essay.

-I had the opportunity of touringvisiting Italy,
- a notionsecond nature that I continue to apply in other areas of my life.

- Moreover, I am put inheld a leadership position

- Overall, music has greatly impacteda great impact in my life,
- something that will greatly benefit inyour future endeavou rs.

Josh, be careful with your spelling, turn on your spell checker at all times, it really helps, also, mind the word choice
and the verb tenses that you incorporate in your sentences.

I hope my final remarks helped in enhancing your essay, for future reference, do a refresher on the language rules
before writing, this helps you get more exposure in coming up or creating great sentences that will merit a great essay.

Undergraduate / "Commitment and Breadth" - Question about how to demonstrate your leadership along with commitment [6]

Dian, bringing your essay down to its target word count may seem such a daunting task
but it should not be. What I do when faced with this kind of situation, I make sure that I proof
read and go through the sentences, delete unnecessary information and keep all the details
that answers the prompt in a very elaborate manner. In doing this, I'm able to eliminate a few
sentences and achieve the desired word count.

I suggest the following;

- In Grade Nineninth grade ,

- The beginning of my Cadets career was full of moments of embarrassment.
- Due to my delayed start and lack of necessary recruit training,
- in drills and, unapproachability
- Although she had strongly opposed my quitting, my mother gave in after many arguments. This long-awaited moment was unexpectedly heartbreaking for me: for the first time, my mother was disappointed in the child whom she had always bragged about. That night,After some grueling arguments, thought and ideas,

- I was determined to not only to attend but excel atin the program.
- I voluntarily took a step furthervolunteered by joining the marching band of my squadron,
- hoping thatto befriending an exclusive group...

- However, another challenge arose: as a beginner flute player, I couldn't play
- At this stage, my continuous commitment gave me a boost inmy confidence

There you have it Dian, I hope my further remarks helped!

Undergraduate / Question about demonstrating leadership, initiative, breadth, achievement, teamwork, and commitment [3]

Hi Josh, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Every boy in my3rd Grade 3 class was called down
- ultimately granting me admission into the "the choir school".

- The weekly performances are preceded by upwards of seven hours of rehearsal,
- some of which are taking place after school.
- These numbers greatly increased , however,
- my days oftenwould become
- to sing a sets of pieces,
- to pursuing excellence in choir would have quited ,
- rather than endure another day of gruellinggrueling work.

There you have it Josh, my initial remarks on your essay, I hope it helps, be careful with the spelling as well as the verb form that you

use in your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Electronic media may bring dire effects on people's relationships and everyone should be aware of it [3]

Pikul, first, I'd like to suggest on keeping just 2 paragraphs, merge the paragraphs in order to make it.

Kindly find the corrections below for your essay.

- More attention should be paid on the utilizing of electronic device these days.

- media in a wrong path which
- saying anything due to missmis understanding connection with others

- Apart from previous discussionHaving mentioned the above facts ,
- others believe that electronic media areis necessary
- Firstly , people can meet

- I personally suggest that people should control the use
- of electronic media in order to decrease its bad impact.

There you have it Pikul, I hope my remarks helped, what I noticed in your sentences are just minor remarks, verb forms, however minor they are very essential and will make your sentences more meaningful.

Undergraduate / Proud "Hoya Saxa" slogan. Why Georgetown? -----Computer science and more [6]

Jize, sorry about the confusion but what I would like to emphasize in my remarks, is that this essay is meant to focus on
the answer to the question why Georgetown, an in depth reasoning why you chose the institution. I didn't expect that this
will also be a personal statement and if it is well then there's a lot more to work on and not just the structure of the essay.

I suggest the following;
- mind the direct translation of your sentences, however normal, we tend to translate our ideas from our mother tongue
to English and this way is not that effective and may be not that smooth as well in the sentences we form in the paragraphs.

- refrain from using words more than twice in your writing

I also suggest that you put the motto, "never lose myself to a slump" form your fave basketball star in the beginning of the essay

to start a conversational and light mood instead of jumping straight to the formal concept and purpose of the essay.

I will reflect and read your essay one more time and I'll keep you posted if there's anything else that I can share.

Scholarship / Couching, volunteering, not to fear any failure. APIASF Scholarship - short term and long term goals [4]

Megan, I'd like to share my thoughts to your essay.

As I read and understand your essay, I believe it's written well, you were able to address the
prompt properly and provide the details in a smooth and elaborated manner.
With the above remarks, I would also like to add that your grammar is not bad at all,
you were able to properly form sentences with the right words in the proper places and make
sure that they mean what you want your readers to understand.

Now, with the content, as mentioned, you were able to convey your interest in the scholarship,
your goals as well as your reason on applying in this particular scholarship.

I hope my insights helped and I wish to see more of your writing, never be afraid to write,
may it be a draft, a formal letter or anything, practice makes perfect.

Scholarship / "My shyness" - GATES MILLENNIUM SCHOLARSHIP - source of my knowledge or skills [2]

Thelicia, I read through your essay and right off the bat, it already made me sad, you started the essay,
as much personal as you can get, you made it very weak. In order to counter my emotions towards your essay,
I did my research on the scholarship and here's what I found, this scholarship needs strong people, future leaders
and people who are willing to take the risks no matter how big or small it is.

Now, I'm not saying that you are weak, because choosing to enter in this scholarship is already showing that you are
a good and strong leader as you can be, you have dreams, you have goals and you're geared up for it.
So here's my suggestion, re - write your essay with a different approach, strong, confident and ready for the world.

Thelicia, one thing that I do when I write something, I research and that's exactly what I want you to do, I know that

you read and heard about this scholarship but do yourself a big favor, read, research and reflect on what this scholarship is
about and you will be able to come up with a stronger essay.

I hope to see your revised essay soon, the scholarship is ending in March.

Undergraduate / "Commitment and Breadth" - Question about how to demonstrate your leadership along with commitment [6]

Dian, I can see that you have a perfect editor / contributor for your essay already, having said that, I would like to add
that as much as you want to highlight each answer to the topic that is asked for you to write, I suggest that you make

bold paragraphs and not small several ones, writing the paragraphs in short but many different ones is like writing your
answers in bullet points in an elaborated form.

I also notice that your word choice is not as strong as you want them to convey your message,
words like " upon hearing", you can use, " According to a source", something like this, attention to the words
you choose in your sentences means a lot in sending your message across your readers.

I hope my insights helped, I wish you the best of luck and do let us know should you need more help.

Undergraduate / Demonstrate TEAMWORK and LEADERSHIP in 500 words. University supplementary due soon [2]

Dian, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay, I believe it's a very rough draft, I hope I would be
able to help you in polishing it.

- including the 50 participants that I particularlywhich I led.

- Having been selected wasas a peer leader,
- I participated in a weeklong peer leadership training workshop,
- I wasWe were divided into
- a group withgroups of eight other elite peer leaders from different schools.
- and beca me close friends.

This are my initial remarks on your essay, I hope it helped and I'll get back for the rest of the essay, for the initial remarks,

what I notice is the choice of words you have in the sentences, you have to refresh yourself on the language rules.
Anyhow, I will talk more about that in the next set of remarks.

Undergraduate / Proud "Hoya Saxa" slogan. Why Georgetown? -----Computer science and more [6]

Jize, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay by starting to ask you
you to put yourself as a reader of your essay. Don't you think it's a little too much for an
application essay? What the essay is asking is basically, the reason why you chose Georgetown College
and a few information why you chose the subject or the course you want to take under their guidance.

Now, I suggest rewriting your essay with the following guidelines;

- reflect on your academic goals
- focus on the reason of your choice "why Georgetown College"
- what are the attributes of this college that will not only benefit you academically but
more importantly, will benefit you as a person.

Lastly, with all the goals you have in mind, in return, what can you do to help the Georgetown College community,
what can you share to make a change.

Don't get me wrong, I know that you have this idea in your essay, it's just a matter of restructuring as well as redirecting

the focus of your essay. I hope my insights help and I wish to see your revised essay soon.

Undergraduate / 'small, exciting, quiet and very family-like environment' - Lafayette college ESSAY. [3]

Kaylie, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- I have longed for a small, yet exciting, and(you are still enumerating so no need to use "and" at this time ) quiet,

- yet very family-like environment to live,
- Even though San Diego, Oceanside, and Fullerton are such great places,
- thosethese cities are lack ofthe passion I'm looking for and too relaxing.

- So,(avoid using "so" in the beginning of your sentence)W hen I heard Lafayette College from my school counselor,
- It wasis promising that I could
- but allow me to travel at the same timemeantime .
- SatisfyingFollowing all my dreams,
- I thought Lafayette college would be the perfect place to settle in and pursue my goal.

Kaylie, your essay is good but I feel that the reason you brought up in choosing Lafayette is not that satisfying to warrant admission.
I suggest re-writing this essay with the remarks above and re - focus on the purpose of choosing Lafayette and not in the history
of your college life.

I hope my insights helped.

Research Papers / It's Time to Abolish Capital Punishment - research essay / English 102 [3]

Ebonie, as I read and understand your research, I felt the lack of information on the part of, what do you think will be the best

alternative for capital punishment if it will be completely abolished.

I would also suggest that you incorporate the citations in the paper, I've seen this in some work, it
absolutely helps if you can already have the citation enclosed in your sentences, it gives a sense
of security that the facts gathered in the paper is from a verified source and done properly.

I like the fact that you added a little bit of everything in the research, the history, the integration of the facts into real life

scenarios and events as well as your personal interpretation of the topic at hand.
It is indeed a good research, just a few more information on alternative actions to be done in tackling the issue but nevertheless, good job!

Undergraduate / 'scene on a TV'. University of Florida - I'm super nervous for my status let me know what you think! [4]

Gab, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

2nd paragraph

- to work hard for the things Iwe want.
- Because ofWith (refrain from using "because" in the beginning of your essay) the constant struggle my family face,
- opportunity to live a meager life,
- it deeply pains me deeply ,

Final paragraph
- Inversely, I believe I can bringmy integrity and enthusiasm to everything I do is what I offer at UF.
- I am committed to my studies, focused on my goals, and would be proud to be part of the UF community.

There you have it Gab,for future reference, keep your focus on the prompt, it's always good when you add personal effects in the essay but it's important that you go direct to the purpose of the essay, I hope my insights and remarks helped.

Undergraduate / Lessons of equality and acceptance. A memorable experience in childhood and its effect on my life [2]

Sacheta, after reading your essay, I must say that you have a well written essay.
You were able to address what is asked of the prompt, the paragraph and the writing style
is done neatly and most importantly the grammar is correct.

However, I would advise you to do one thing, tame your words, I mean, use words that are apt
to everyday conversational english, some of the words like "In the colony that we lived", you can say
"In the area where we live", it's smoother, it's more conversational.
I suggested doing this in order for readers to connect more to the essay and more importantly,
for better understanding.

I hope my insights helped and I wish to see more of your writing here on EF.

Scholarship / Discussing my year as class president - leadership experience [3]

Kiana, as I read through your essay, you do have some work to do, particularly in streamlining the idea and the
structure of the essay. Whenever I'm facing this type of difficulty in my essay, I do the following;

- reflect on the prompt
- write as much draft as I can
- itemize my ideas, the introduction, the body and my conclusion.
- in the items, I also make sure that I go on full details, specially in the body of the
essay, I dedicate about 2 to 3 paragraphs in order to highlight the information, may it be
activities, volunteer work, achievement, etc.
- in the conclusion, try to be personal, adding a little character and your true color to the essay
is something that intrigues the reader and make your essay more appealing.

I hope my remarks helped and should you need further assistance, we will be here for you.

Undergraduate / My current college does not meet desired expectations. So why I want attend Virginia Tech? [2]

Ibrahim, I would like to share my remarks and hopefully enhance the grammar of the essay.

- I feel that my current college in Conway does not send out the type of message I would like to get from a university. It seems as if they want me to live in the future, rather than invent it.( Ibrahim, when writing an essay to justify your decision as to why you choose the university you choose, you don't have to talk ill or highlight the not so good aspect of the university, remember is a part of your academic journey )

- I would like to attend Virginia Tech because I know thathas the environment
- that without a doubt,alone will push me to my full potential.
- I've heard from multiple people that attend or have attendedFrom my research, Virginia Tech
- thathas everything
- you to be the best at whatever it is you want to doyour chosen field .
- Personally, I feel that my college in Conway is not preparing me to be that person I wish to be in the future. My goals are too big for a university like that.( this sentence is not necessary )

There you have it Ibrahim, I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / Are my Waterloo AIF essays all over the place? Any criticism is welcome. [3]

Sadat, below are my remarks for the 2nd essay.

2nd essay

- The city is powered fullysolely by renewable energy,
- and after returning from a school trip therecoming from a school trip from the Masdar City,
- I hadhave no doubt in my mind that this is what
- A renewable energy for the future.

- The otherOne more reason is one that strikes close to home.
- this crisis and usingthe use of renewable energy is an effective way of doing so.

There you have it Sadat, my final remarks for your essay,on this part, it's the structure of the sentences needs a little bit of enhancement or revision,

nevertheless, it's a good and well written essay that answers exactly what is asked of you, should you need further assistance do let us know.

Undergraduate / Are my Waterloo AIF essays all over the place? Any criticism is welcome. [3]

Sadat, I'd like to share my thoughts and remarks on your essay.

1st essay

- What inspires me the most about my

- I've applied to electrical engineering becauseas the electricity
- sector as it relates to the energy crisis, this draws my interests me in particular .
- One of the massive selling points of Waterloo is obviously its coop program.
- So it wasn't much work putting two and two together - ifThe decision was quick and in no doubt made, I wanted

There you have it Sadat, for the first essay, there is not much to change, just a few remarks, mainly in your choice of words, try to keep it formal while maintaining it's conversational nature in order to engage your readers particularly the admissions.

I will get back to you shortly for the 2nd essay. I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay; searching for a smile and sharing it around - Smile is important to me [3]

Kaitlin, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

1st paragraph

- I too, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) have to search for a smile in my laden form.

2nd paragraph
- The next big opportunity could be circlingaround the corner,
- Sharing a smile can emphasizespark an intrigued mind, and convey a sense of delight and passion.

Final paragraph
- For me,M ounting a genuine smile
- Each step in crafting a smile requires caringcare for the other person,
- if only in the slightestthat's the least one can do .
- if only the society exercises compassion and cracks a smile.

There you have it Kaitlin, I hope my remarks helped.
Overall, there's very little improvements done as you have written quiet a good essay and I wish you the best of luck.

Graduate / Why Should We Offer You a Place? - Personal Statement for University of Manchester [2]

Andrey, as I read through your essay, I believe you answered what is asked of you to do and
for the purpose of the essay as well.
Now, I would like to re-direct your attention to the last 3 paragraphs of your essay and focus on the corrections that might help you
enhance you essay.

5th paragraph

- Besides the above professional experience,
-I periodically'm engaged with the community in my company .
- I spend time toand do the knowledge sharing activity
- and provide training for the junior colleagues .
- I am one of the engineers selected
- they wasare sent for the overseas training.
- ThoseThis experiences hone my communication
- and presentation skills which would be beneficial for me...

4th paragraph ( this paragraph can be merged into the 3rd paragraph )
- My previous education has also provided me with Industrial...

Final paragraph
- In conclusion, as an experienced and passionate candidate who is seeking a future career
- suitable candidate for the University of
- My Previous experience has provide meArmed with the skills and education necessary to ensure my successful completion of the program. In the end , I believe the program would benefit me byin keeping mea

- competitive for my future for a career development.

There you have it Andrey, I hope my remarks helped and enhanced your essay to enforce conviction and eagerness in making it to the program.

Graduate / Entrance for Studio Art Graduate Program. Hyperlinks to portfolio. Needs a better title. [3]

John, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

First of all, I think it's quiet long for a statement of purpose. However elaborate you may want your admission essay,
you also have to take note that you don't have to write an entire portfolio on this particular essay, give out information
that is called for in the essay and not your whole bio.

I understand that you would like your essay to be "the essay" that will get you the admission and that is what we also want,

now, I suggest that you revise the essay by streamlining your sentences into the purpose and cut a few sentences or a paragraph
on the part where you explain about your portfolio and your art. Remember that if the admission staff will see that willingness
of you continuing your graduate program, they will ask questions and more information, this is where you build up and
engage the staff to your purpose and further interest of the program.

I hope my insights helped.

Research Papers / "Occassional depression versus major depression within adolescents" research paper [4]

Alyssa, as this is a rough draft, I would like you to make sure that your paragraph presentation
is clean and does not look crowded.
I suggest that you merge a few small paragraphs and make them whole bold ones.
Try to maximize your paragraphs and keep them properly and uniformly formatted so
that the paragraphs will look seamlessly readable and formal.

The research paper is definitely very raw, you need a lot more facts and data gathering to keep your paper
truthful and more of a research paper than an essay.
Also, keep an eye on the words you use and how you structure them in your sentence, as this will also
help in creating a successful paper.

Do post your final paper here so we can give you further assessment.
I hope my insights help!

Graduate / To finish my career goal, I choose Marshall Business School as a start in the profession - USC essay [7]

Zhang,as most of the remarks and insights are focused on the last part of your essay,
I'd like to share my thoughts on the first paragraph of your essay.

First paragraph
- I have a habit since I was young. Ihad since formed a habit of
- recording every sum of money
- I have spent and I have earned,
- andthen classify them to different categories since I was young( this phrase is not necessary as we have established the time of the event already ) .

- I know more about business knowledge and realize the importance
- of accounting to one'sour daily life.
- TheF urther internships provide
- me more experiences regardingexposure on the functions of accounting in social life.
- As an assistant in the finance accounting department in an insurance company,
- I assisted senior managers and cooperatedworked hand in hand with finance team
- Moreover, in this summer, another internship as an account manager assistant intern in China Development Bank
- this switched my perspective of accounting as an insider to external person.
- This internshipexperience deeply influenced me deeply , and
- Imade me realize the im portantce of accounting to external staffs .

There you have it Zhang, I'd like to add that I may not be that good with the financial terminologies but with how you wrote your essay,

it made me realize that the finance world is not so difficult after all.

I hope my insights helped.

Research Papers / Dancing for a Better Childhood: Dance benefits in children [3]

Veronica, first of all, I'm not sure if this is how you would like to present your research but I would suggest that you

format it properly. Paragraph wise, the research paper looks a little bit crowded and messy.

The good thing though, is that you were able to incorporate your source to the body of the paper.The structure still
puzzles me however, I believe you will be able to re-structure your paper properly by following simple steps below.
- what do we do to make our childhood more memorable; the answer is DANCE (here you can start writing about the
positive attributes of dancing
- what are the benefits of dancing ( here you can insert the facts you gathered on the benefits of dancing)
- what is the difference of dancing or the similarities of dancing to other form of exercise that would benefit children
and how does this transpire in the formation of their childhood.

Lastly, before submitting any form of paper or article, proof read it yourself, this way you know if there are still any enhancement
for your essay before you submit it, share it here on EF so another pair of eyes will be able to see your work.
That's it for me Veronica, I hope my insights help.

Graduate / Seek help for my answers of Master of Finance Questionnaire at SFU in Canada [2]

Chenyi, after going through your answers on each of the question given, I believe you were able
to answer them properly. You were able to discuss each answer, however, I need to remind you that
when answering questions or examinations, remember to be direct to the point unless otherwise
stated on the directions on how to approach the question.

Now, with regard to the word count, don't worry about it and take it away from your focus,
as long as you will be able to reflect on the question and be able to formulate the answer
that is directed to the question, the words will be flowing and you will not have to worry about the word count.

Remember, less is more, be precise and keep your answers short.

Good luck and do let us know should you need more assistance.

Undergraduate / Ever since I began high school as a short, geeky freshman, I could not wait for college WHY SYRACUSE [5]

NB, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Ever since I began high school as a short,I started in the academe as a geeky freshman,
- and from then on I could not wait for college.
- I spent endless hours researching colleges until one day, I stumbled uponI found Syracuse,
- and I found it was the perfect school forthe right institution for a person like me.
- so I proceeded to research all about Syracuse's history major.
- I love history and learning about the past, but I am also very interested inas well as learning about the present,
- as I have a love forsuch as politics.
- Syracuse's history program is the perfect fit for me
- in that it gives me the perfectand the institution provides education for my next step
- in life after college: law school my ultimate goal in the academe and hopefully my professional career.

NB, the above are my corrections and remarks, I hope it helped.

Research Papers / Sleep Deprived Us- An Essay Regarding Sleep Deprivation [3]

Megan, after reading your paper, I agree with your own criticism which left me wondering,
if you knew what was wrong in your essay, why didn't you take action?

Anyhow, adding examples will indeed boost your facts and the strength of your paper,
but don't just add examples, make sure that they are base on facts, this is where your research come to place.
The length of the research paper, although suggested ones say it should be long but it doesn't really matter,
what matters is the content of your essay and the facts you present.

Structure wise, you tend to jump from one idea to the other, I believe you can re- direct your essay by
highlighting the logical functions or progress of your research, like following the cause - effect way.
Better yet, answer the questions, how does sleep help us function in our daily lives, how does sleep
affect our mental state, questions like this, citing cause and effect will help your essay have that
logical and smooth transition.

I hope my remarks helped and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Graduate / Delft Technological University Urbanism Program Admission - Statement of Purpose legibility [2]

Hi Reza, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay with a focus on the last paragraph.

Final paragraph
- Looking back to what I have done tothe challenges in pursuit of my passion,
- will beis a suitable addition
- to take me one step closer to pursuit my biggest dream:
- In order to achieve that, I believe that I stillTo reach these goals,
- need to learncontinuous and relentlesslylearning on so many things
- from people who are expert in it , who are passionate in it,
- and of course from people who has the same dream as meI do .

There you have it Reza, I hope my remarks and corrections helped.

Should you need further assistance, do let us know.