Writing Feedback / CLEP - "I don't care how poor a person is; if he has family, he's rich." [4]

Person = singular
they = plural
so... let's change this sentence:

For this reason, any person, regardless of social status or the money they have, is rich if he has famil y.
For this reason, any person, regardless of social or financial status, is rich if s/he has family.

Most humans seek joy and pleasure. It's our nature. It's how we live.--great variation of sentence length!

It has almost become our purpose -- to seek and achieve pleasure at any cost.

When one experiences and prioritizes a family by that definition, life changes dramatically. ---wow, another great sentence.

One of my favorite essays!

Graduate / "To expand the horizon to Asian market" - MBA Application [8]

Take out the 2 words "very" at the beginning, and see how much better the sentence sounds. You can always make a sentence better by taking out "very."

Seeing her, Her example taught me to fight...

My short term goal is to apply my past experience, business acumen, technical edge and education to propose and oversee robust and cost-effective engineering solutions, managing manage an effective team, experience key aspects of managing a business, and achieve professional advances in my career.----Great sentence, but these are goals (plural) not a goal (singular). Also, I added a comma and fixed one of the verbs.

:-)

Scholarship / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR SUMMER INTERNSHIP IN ADVERTISING [4]


Eventually, I realized that the common threads among all my activities were creativity, ideas and people.
That is the idea that I had.

But yes, you need to use past tense, so you would use "bound."


This seems awesome to me...

I almost always agree with Linmark, but with this one I feel like that personal intro is strong.

Balance it by getting right into theory after that. Go directly into citing sophisticated theory, and it will be full and cool... interesting.

I think it's the second and third paragraphs that should be condensed into 50% of the words to make room for expression of your plan and vision of the future.

I hope that helps!! You are doing well already!

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice----Long distance flight should be banned or not? [15]


ha ha, great discussion here, friends. Yes, the reason is like this: "individual" is a word we use to convey the idea that we are talking about a single person rather than many.

Therefore, it is not the best word to use. There is no reason, in this case, to express that you are talking about individual people instead of people in groups. It's just "people."

However, even though this is a great suggestion, it is also true that your essay would be QUITE ALRIGHT if you had used the word "individuals."

This is an interesting discussion about the nuances of English!

Research Papers / Global Warming research paper (what are the causes, solutions, and effects?) [3]

I agree! Start by reading.

Read ONE article, and if it is good you can write ONE sentence about it. Start from there. Follow that sentence with an example, maybe a quotation, and some more sentences of explanation. Now you have a body paragraph that begins with a great PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

Do not even think about the conclusion or introduction until you have written a few body paragraphs. :-)

Undergraduate / Why I want to become a oncology Nurse admission [4]

I love it! That's what I had in mind... it really shows your seriousness and makes your application more competitive than others'...

Leave the name out of that first sentence:
He was my neighbor, my friend; he was my inspiration. When I was twelve years old Steve was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

You give them the name in the second sentence, so it is okay... :-) And besides, in a story like this, sometimes it is cool to not even give a name. In many meaningful stories the writer does not give characters a name... for example, Google this: Araby Fair.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL 'first instinct'; Are the decisions that people make quickly always wrong? [6]


Well, every person has a different idea about what is unhealthy. I did mean to refer to things like McDonalds and other places that have junk food, but I may have been thinking about it a little differently. I was just saying that when I choose unhealthy food it is usually because I made a hasty decision! :-)

Scholarship / "the defining moment in my education" -gaining scholarship for meritorious candidates [14]

...activities like quizzes, debates etc.

Also, I was part of the team which adopted an orphanage named 'Snehalya.'----put a period at the end of this sentence.

This team used to regularly interact with the kids and their tutors, organizing cultural programs and money collection drives for them.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - government shouldn't put money on building theaters or sports stadiums [8]

use this phrase: invest in
Recently, some people argue that government should invest more in medical care and education rather than in entertainment or sports facilities.

As far as I am concerned, this proposal is beneficial more for the society.

Therefore, providing education and medical care is more essential and prioritized to than other priorities of the government.

Furthermore, putting spending taxpayers' money on building theaters or sports stadiums is unfair to...

The ending is perfect. That is a brilliant sentence...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - Stay in one place or move around? [6]

I spent 9 years in one place when I was small, and then my family moved to the place where we are still living.

When you are living in a busy place, you can never expect to settle down at all, because the place cannot allow you to stop world will force you to accommodate change.

This high school provided me numerous opportunities to widen broaden my horizon. ---There is a common phrase: broaden my horizon. I think that is what you should write. :-)

Therefore, because of the desire for opportunities, often one needs to move so as to catch them.

If I could have a choice, I would pack my belongings and move there right away, because the Australian lifestyle was fascinating to me.

Great job!! You are ready for the toefl I think. You do not have many errors at all.

Essays / Effort is natural both to animals and men + Free will: 2 questions to answer [5]


That only allows 10 words per "way." That's tough!! You should use a list of items separated by commas.

So, what is one way to achieve something without effort? Hint: Name something you can achieve without effort.

For most challenges, effort is necessary, but some of life's most profound experiences can only be achieved through effortlessness.


Do you understand? Name a situation where you were not able to do what you wanted to do. That's easy!! :-)

I was not able to ________, because ______________________.

:-) Does that help!!???

Writing Feedback / I think it is quite normal that the ratio of men to women varies from subject to subject in schools [7]


Ha ha, beautifully written. And for me also to be clear: I agree with your argument! If I made a rule that an equal number of males and females should be accepted to each program, it would cause some of the most deserving students to lose their opportunity!

You wrote that counterargument very well... maybe it should be added to the essay!



No, it's true; you have a great way of explaining. I'll find ALL the errors below, and you'll see that there are not many.

And to be clear, I am absolutely a supporter of gender equality, and I also believe true gender equality will make the numbers of males and females equal eventually. However, in this case my point is that the equal numbers are a result of true gender equality, but not a reason or an access to it enforcing equal numbers should not be the way we achieve that equality. What we're talking about are the number of students of each gender in university programs, which normally reflect the subjective choices of students themselves, but are not the direct result of incomplete gender equality.

I think if the applicant numbers of different genders for a subject are approximately the same,it is unlikely that the final difference between the accepted students will be huge. In a word, the entrances of most subjects are fair to both genders.-----See, this is a great way of explaining things.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should school reduce the time of teaching the arts and humanities? [3]


Good idea! Can you think of examples from recent/current events?

should not reduce the time on spent teaching the arts and humanities because those two--- just a suggestion

Through the arts, people can find another world, which is different from the reality, to relax and alleviate their stress.----We don't relax stress. We alleviate stress when we relax. :-)

In conclusion, although the science and technology become...

...way to stimulate our creativities creativity.

:-) nice job, student 7!!

Writing Feedback / Technology keeps traditional skills and ways of life alive or not?--IELTS Practice [5]

Some people are worried that modern technological technology might be a hurdle to the preservation of traditional techniques and lifestyles.

However, with the access to the Internet, one of the greatest innovations in modern society, humankind can acquire the traditional techniques displayed online anytime, anywhere.-----Wow, very impressive sentence here!! The only mistake is that you do not need to write "the access."

Additionally, technology enriches the way of displaying traditional cultural heritage, making it more vivid and appealing.---another beautifully written sentence.

Proceed with confidence, friend! You are doing alright.

Research Papers / Comparing Julius Caesar and harriet beecher stowe. [2]


Well, that is all you need! Start writing. I know the situation you are in. You feel overwhelmed because of some factor... maybe a lack of sources or how long the paper is supposed to be. But all you need to do right now is write a 1-page paper about how caesar created a change for the slaves. 1.) background, 2.) how he made a change, 3.) discuss before and after.

After you do that, repeat the process for Stowe. You can write 3 paragraphs about each, and you will have 2 full pages. Add an intro at the start and a conclusion at the end, and you have 4 pages.

How long does the paper need to be?

Even if it needs to be 20 pages, start with this small task: one paragraph about the BACKGROUND of the caesar situation.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a paragraph topic sentence -- Confucius

;-)

Writing Feedback / Numerous positive effects of the new technology on our daily life. [18]


Sometimes you need to go with your intuition. Do you have any schools in mind?

It all depends on your circumstances, too. In what country will you study?

I think you should choose a program the way people might choose a school for their child: Read many reviews online, and read some articles written by various professors for professional journals. Do you read professional journals about language studies? Do you have a favorite author? Maybe your favorite scholar has a program she recommends. You should DIVE INTO YOUR READING and really enjoy it. Find the right school for yourself by reading about what fascinates you.

Who is your favorite expert in the field you are entering?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT-Inventing something new (machine to read people's thought) [8]

Read people's thoughts?! Great idea... but you might not like what you discover!

Remember this: If I can, I will. If I could, I would.
Actually, if I could invent something new which will be useful for me and other people, I would invent a machine that has the ability to read...

Ha ha, are you using the word dumb to mean "mute" in that last sentence? I want to warn you against using "dumb." It is a slang word to mean "stupid," even though it means "mute."

:-) Great job here!

Writing Feedback / Stratergic PR - Vietnam - The Genki Festival [3]

In 2008 - 2009, Ho Chi Minh and Ha Noi had a lot of programs to educate people about civilized lifestyles. However, Dr. Nguyen Duc Nghia, deputy director of the Ho Chi Minh City National University said that the campaign was not success because of the failure of to attract the attention of...

Finally, all of the students were educated about...

As the a result, the civilized behaviors affected social manners among Ho Chi Minh youth.

For instance, the two greatest festivals in Ho Chi Minh, Spring Flower Festival and the Nguyen Hue Flower Street event in 2011, were successful without jostling and smashing flowers stalks or littering (Dan tri 2011 and Hai Duyen 2011).

...cultural behavior is the spirit and represents the civilization of every country.----This sentence is okay, but it is a little awkward.

... to promote politeness in social gatherings after launching the campaign.

:-)

Research Papers / My Letter of Motivation for ESB Business School Reutlingen [5]

Welcome, Siyu Sha!

Is that really your name? If so, it is the coolest name I have ever heard.


Well, in this case, the letter says Dear Sir or Madam and "sincerely" so I think that is okay...

Born and raised in Beijing, China, I was already fascinated by the rapidly growing skyscrapers by the time I was ___ years old. ----This will improve the clarity... because you wrote the sentence in a way that makes me ask, "By what time?"

My other large interests are...

...which is a Bavarian high school with high a strong reputation.

First, I want to receive a high-quality degree at one of the leading German Universities within the scope of International Business. Second, the Internationality of your program really appeals to me. ---I think this is good, but I wish you would specify some quality that this school has and other schools do not... a particular professor, a particular program... something unique about this school that appeals to you. Let the reader know that it MATTERS whether you go to this school or a different one.

I like the ending!!

Undergraduate / My student's essay. "Teaching is my inner desire" [4]

Since childhood, I have been striving to achieve one meaningful ambition. Teaching is a noble profession, and it...

I love teaching and I am capable of teaching primary, secondary school students and tertiary students.

I have chosen to become a lecturer because I myself am a product of someone whom I consider to be the best teacher in the world. ---great sentence!!

...delivers "necessary information" on math formulas, historical...

In conclusion, I strongly believe that lecturers need to show respect and care, and they should serve as role models in a pleasant environment while guiding students about right and wrong, instructing them politely, and helping them on the road to success.

:-)

Student Talk / Interest in seeking a Phd in Real Estate Marketing. [3]

That's great advice!

Start by finding good articles that interest you. Do a key word search for: marketing, real estate, literature review
Use articles from the past 3-4 years (i.e. maybe 2007-2011)

Include "literature review" because if the article has a lit review it will explain all the recent work that has been done to SOLVE PROBLEMS in the field.

I think you should find Business Research: Methods and Strategy by Burkhardt.

When you have studied research methods and also lit reviews, you will be ready to USE A RESEARCH METHOD to SOLVE A PROBLEM THAT STILL EXISTS.

See what I mean? This is all about contributing something meaningful to the field, but you must read recent articles to prepare yourself. :-)

Writing Feedback / 'less personal privacy'; The extended family is less important today [2]

Here is a way to make this sentence sound a little nicer:
As for me, having grown up in a nuclear family I would like to agree with the topic statement that the extended family is less important now than in the past.

(I took out a comma and changed some words.)

As we can see from the history, extended family proved to be beneficial in the past, like a big family would have a deep influence in the society both economically and politically, and the big family would always...

It appears to be a big warm family living together; however, less personal privacy is provided in such kind of family. ---good point!!

use ly
... as they are financially independent.

Do not start a sentence with "while" when you are using it this way:
While In comparison, there are so many...

Also, intimate relationship will bound the members of smaller family. As The typical small family is...

As a result, I agree with the statement that the traditional extended family is less important because of the disadvantages it reveals and advantages the smaller family has.

:-)

Essays / The problems of survival have never been so great - where do I start? [7]


Ha ha, great advice here.

Here is a sentence that might get you started:

Technological advancements have raised standards of living, but they also ________________________ (Finish the sentence.)

Some of the threats to the survival of humanity include ________, ________, and ___________.

:-)

Research Papers / Clarity, Conciseness, Completeness, Correctness Research Topic - what to say, how to express ideas? [7]

You don't trouble me, friend. You are the reason I'm here! And I'm glad to help, but I'm afraid I made a mistake. I did not realize this was for a project at the masters level. At this level, you need to come up with an idea for SOLVING A PROBLEM (i.e. in the field of education if that is your chosen field) or improve practice in your field. First you need to notice a problem. What is the problem?

That is the most important thing. Before you can make a meaningful change, you need to show that there is a problem.

So, let's look at this topic:


This seems like it is already a SOLUTION to a problem. It seems like it is the product of someone else's research. So, you should look for a WAY YOU CAN HELP in your field. What can you write that will be very meaningful for anyone in your field? How about combining 2 concepts: the 4cs and some other topic that interests you.

How about this: The problem is that we do not know how ELL students interpret the "4 c's" when they learn about them.

"What happens when the 4 c's are taught to English language-learners between the ages of 18 and 24 whose primary language is Malay?"
**** You can interview English language learners about the 4 c's and use GROUNDED THEORY to analyze their interview data.

You will need to do some research about grounded theory in order to use interview research.

No, I'm not Malaysian, but I wish I was Malaysian! That would be cool :-D
I'm from Boston, and I studied English, eastern philosophy, & psychology. Glad to meet you!

Writing Feedback / Do traditional skills and way of life die out when a country develops with technology [7]


Nice! Thanks for being a good example to the other students here. Actually we have a lot of people who, like you, are very proactive about improving their writing skill.

("Proactive" is my favorite word.)

So, I'll tell you my favorites. Anything by diana hacker, anything by ursula leguin, and most importantly Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "You have done it son", i was proud of myself! [10]

Okay, I'll change the grammar here at the beginning:
"Yes!" I shouted in excitement. I had been selected to give a speech on how government can improve the education system in ...

... not one of the best at giving speeches. But I had to prove all of them wrong.

You write so well!I can see that you have a talent for it. Here is a quick lesson about adverbs and other modifiers to make you even better: Kill the modifiers!!

Tring....!!! , went the piercing alarm bell, and I jumped off my bed. hurriedly .
See how much better the sentence it without the modifier?

Modifiers are the cowards of the sentence. Imagery words and action verbs are the heroes.

My legs shivered; I stood frozen. My heart was in my mouth, and I thought I would...

Again here, kill the adverb:
I felt extremely ecstatic to see my parents and

Great ending... If my dad was proud of me, I was proud of myself!

Great job, I am proud of you too!

Writing Feedback / Clean up factories or public transportation [3]

Hi Soroush, welcome to EssayForum!
I'll try to fix this...

As you know, these days cars and other vehicles are causing pollution of our cities, so we can't use our preferred cars.

But we can use the public vehicles, and it helps our health.

For the developed countries this point is the mast most important part of life.

Another cause of air pollution in these countries is factories.

But we have to think about this problem and find a good solution.---Good sentence!

Capitalize the first word of every sentence:
The developed countries have made cars more efficient, and they can burn the fuel with less harm to the environment, creating energy without waste and without creating as much smoke.

Capitalize:
My suggestion for solving this problem is to use the public vehicles and use new technologies to clean up factories and enhance public transportation.

:-)

Book Reports / Modernism Essay questions based on 3 novels. Need help on what to write. [2]

Okay, use these 3 questions to organize the info you are about to find:

Google the title of each book with the word "analysis."
Google the title of each book with the word "theme."

you'll probably find a Sparknotes entry; those are great.

When you find good articles about each story, start collecting facts about them.
Every time you find a fact, type it under one of these questions.

You can even google this: Mrs Dalloway, Virginia Woolf, time

Also... I think that word is supposed to be DEGREE.

:-) Let's see what you come up with! These are great pieces of literature.

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice----Long distance flight should be banned or not? [15]

I'd like to change the beginning a little bit, too:
While more people have access to air travel nowadays, the detrimental effect flight has on the natural environment is drawing some individuals' attention.---Now it is simpler and better. It is always hard to say "An increasing number of..." because it suggests plural but "number" is actually singular. So the sentence will sound strange if written correctly.

... an integral part of people's lives.

Flight is, doubtless, the most efficient way for people to transfer from one place to another, especially for long distance. ---Well, maybe it is the fastest. I don't know if it is the most efficient! Ha ha, and even if it is the most efficient, there is no way anyone will ever get me to climb inside a giant steel container and trust some pilot to fly me around. I'll walk instead. ;-)

In fact, as the pace of life is accelerating, time is increasingly precious for people in modern society, which means flight is a necessity when people opt for their means of transportation.---yeah, maybe we should slow that pace instead of flying around!!! ha haa... LOL

Again, use "number agreement" by keping it plural: As a result, air trips enrich people's lives.

Great writing here!!

Writing Feedback / Follow local traditions or welcome cultural differences? [4]

...and behavior in foreign countries.

...raise concerns about whether...

...negative things such as dirty, unclean and sexual acts.

It is usually considered offensive if you shake hands with the left hand but in Korean culture they must shake with their left hand.---Very interesting!!

Make the corrections suggested by Crystal, and type the essay again. I know it is tedious, but you must type the essay again so your brain will remember the correct grammar. Keep practicing! Use these corrections and Crystal's corrections.

:-)

Essays / Ideas needed - Why is expanding professional networks and coalitions important? [8]

People are supposed to work together to improve their writing. It is a foolish mistake if anyone punishes you for collaborating and developing yourself as a writer. However, what you are saying is NOT weird at all... because I know you want to achieve your goals regardless of whether people on the committee have the right idea about writers' groups. Other people have made the same request. Clock on the TOS at the bottom of the screen, and it will explain what to do. I think you need to pay five bucks or something like that.

:-)

Letters / CV - PR executive / Event planner internship position [3]

I found some errors here:
Communicated well to maintain good relationships with
Researched and reported to supervisors about the customers' feedback monthly.
Worked with a team to increase sales and train a new Sales Executive.
Contributed ideas to supervisor for the improvement of service.

Motivated team members and solved problems occurring internally and externally.
Volunteered on Executive Team to run the campaign (presented the networking event to students in the information booth and classroom presentations).---I took out the apostrophes here.

Okay, make those changes! Do you have questions about them?

You have an impressive resume!

Essays / (my dreams as a topic) - evocative essay [3]

For this sort of thing, you need to narrow the scope. Focus on one or two things, or focus on several but connect them with one theme that is common to them all. Know what I mean? You probably already write something great. But I just want to mention this:

When you write an essay and have some trouble, start with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE. It expresses an idea that is important to you. Then, give an example to show what you mean. Then, give a few more thoughtful sentences about that idea.

Do not worry about the whole essay. Just do one para at a time. When you have a few paragraphs, go back and write an introduction.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why I want to become a oncology Nurse admission [4]

He was my neighbor, my friend; He was Steve. When I was twelve, my friend was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. ---Take out all unnecessary words, as I did here.

Comma:
At first Steve did not appear to be sick, but as time passed it became evident that he was very ill.

do not capitalize after the semi-colon: Steve battled for his life; He tired any and every he tried every treatment available to him, always hoping for remission.

Steve underwent several unsuccessful stem cell transplants. After three years cancer took Steve's body but was unable to take his spirit. No matter how ill and weak Steve was he always made the best out of the situation. Steve was always center stage with his jokes and laughter. Close to the end of his fight I asked him what kept him so positive and Steve said it was the people around him. He said he never knew so many strangers would... Excellent, I like this paragraph, but make those corrections I mentioned.

nice, you are a better writer than you think you are!! And 500 words is not a lot. It's an intro para, 3 body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

If you want to get through this in an impressive way, read about nursing theories. Google that: nursing theory.
I was just talking to someone the other day, for example, about Jean Watson's theory. Look it up. Look up a lot of theories... and discuss them as you discus your own personality and aspirations that lead you to this field.

Who is your favorite nursing theorist?

:-)

Graduate / "sound knowledge, experience, and maturity" - physician assistant personal statement [2]

Welcome to the forum, Denise! Thanks for letting us participate in your process.

When I was five, I was asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" in to which I promptly responded, "An alligator skinner!" My inspiration: National Geographic Channel's glorification of ...

Use a colon:
experience, and maturity: I want to be a physician assistant.

I chose to serve in the US Army as a 68WM6, which, in the civilian terms, is a Licensed Practical Nurse (LPN), because ________________ (End this sentence with an observation that helps to express the main idea -- the idea that makes you want to be a PA.

...and postpartum ward, as a staff LPN for just under two years. ---And again at the end here, say something to show how thiinfo serves as evidence to support your main assertion, which is that you are going to make a meaningful difference as a PA, your career of choice.

Know what I mean? As you write, stay focused on one big message. What is the message? Can you make it memorable and interesting while still asserting your seriousness about this profession?

What is your theme, your memorable theme?

:-) Try to enjoy it! You write well.

Writing Feedback / Numerous positive effects of the new technology on our daily life. [18]

Capitalize the first word of every sentence:
However, a few people are...

It helps a lot in education, because students nowadays can have access to foreign universities and contacting contact teachers all over the world while sitting in their bedrooms in front the screen of their computers. Keep it plural, because you wrote "students."

Children accrue more expenses for...

For example the daily use of some electric machines facilitate work but causes cancer.---Good point!

Do not capitalize New:
By and large, New technology has...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Bribery in Morocco - citizens should stand against their leaders. [6]

Many factors cause Morocco to lag behind a number of developping countries in different domains including education.

Morocco has been performing a series of reforms to improve national education and make it contribute to economic, cultural and social development; yet, several obstacles stand...---Nice job!

The main hardel hurdle is economic.

Capitalize:
First, there...

typo: misxing

:-)

Undergraduate / Find X. Many perspectives and different routes -Essay topic for university of chicago [4]

This is a kind of run on sentence called a comma splice:
The Unknown is everything we think about and dream of knowing, it is "X." ---Separate it into 2 sentences with a short, 3 word sentence at the end. It is "X."

"X" is waking up every morning unaware of what the day will behold, but is ready to experience new ideas. Wait a minute, now... your wiritng is excellent, but I think you are doing what I sometimes do.. getting logic carried away with the rhythm. I don't know if you can say this about X while also saying it is the true self.

Becoming a young adult is a scary thought to me. It required requires me to consider...---Keep tense consistent if possible.

my career goals and future plans. As I prepare myself for the college application process, there is always the question of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" not a necessary, helpful sentence.

Very clever!---> I honestly admit that I am afraid of "X," ...

It'll be super-effective if you can somehow connect this more strongly to your goals for the future. It is okay to not know yet what you want to do, but... well, no, it really is not okay. You will not be as impressive if you do not expound at least a few goals.

You are a great writer! Be decisive, and tell the reader about some goals.

Undergraduate / Need your help to edit and comment for my Endeavour Postgraduate Award- Australia [2]

I have been working in the field of education since 2000.

I started my carrier as a teacher, and currently I am working in ProVisi Education as a Program Manager.

Our organization is involved in Education Development Programs around Indonesia, especially in remote areas.

... there is also a gap between what education purposes accomplishes (what school delivers) and community needs.

We tried to fill the gap, together with the school, by exploring what resources that school had for learning, and we gathered parents' opinions about what they wanted for their children. We also included the students' opinions about what they want to be after graduated.

To inspire school stakeholders to create a meaningful learning process will always be my motive, wherever I create education programs.

Continuing study in a developed country such as Australia is one of my dreams.

My proposed study will involve comparing monitoring and evaluation system in Australia with those in Indonesia.

The knowledge and experiences I will have gain also will enrich my point of view in terms to design programs for schools around Indonesia.

I'll add a comma here:
It will also expand my education horizons in giving advices for principals and teachers in particular programs, especially school improvement program.

:-)

Essays / How I Am A Leader Essay - need some hints and pointers [8]

Last but not least, you must be intelligent to one, enough to know what is right for the group and back up your other two traits. ---I simplified here.

Don't use "Someone" and then ""as you wish." It has to be like this: Someone who can speak well can convince all the people of the group to do as he or she wishes.

Someone who is smart can back up his or her statements with fact.----Good point! That is what I want you to do. When you make these statements about leadership, you should mention which authors wrote about leadership in the way you are talking about it. You and your reader need a common reference point if you are going to communicate something to her or him, so... how about if you write a few sentences about leadership as it is defined by Prentice? Google this: Understanding Leadership, Prentice, Harvard Business Review

:-) You have a nice way of writing, but it is impossible to write much without stopping to read a great article once in a while.