Graduate / He reminds me why I have chosen this major, and why working with children is where I see myself [4]

Lauren, your opening statement is very strong and shows a sense of determination in terms of working in the line of your advocacy. However, the statement of purpose lacks much needed information before it can even be deemed to be a draft copy of your SOP. For starters, while you mention the university that you graduated from, you neglected to inform the reviewer of the course major that you took there. That course major should have a direct relation to your interest in the SLP. Next, you cannot tell the reviewer about your abilities as a student. You have to show him by offering up evidence of your academic excellence, related program training, and actual work experience if possible.

As with any other statement of purpose, you must reflect upon the end goal of your career in SLP. Why are you pushed to excel in this field? What is it that you want to accomplish? Be specific. Right now, you have it stated in generalized terms. We need the big picture to be presented to the reviewer. It would certainly help your essay if you had any actual work experience either as an intern, volunteer, or some work that you did in a related capacity. By the way, are you vying for admission into a thesis or non thesis program? I may have additional advice for you if you are trying to get into a thesis based program.

The work experience with Anthony doesn't belong at the end of the page. It should be placed towards the middle, as an example of your work related experience. The last paragraph should contain information as to why you chose to apply at this university in particular among all the SLP universities that you could have chosen. Make it strong and convincing. We need to make the reviewer believe that no other university can help you achieve your academic goals except this university.

Essays / Scholarships for Masters program in Finance; I have to give 2 recommendation and 1 motivation letter [2]

Maruf, there are more than enough examples of successful motivation and recommendation letters that you can use as examples for your own work at this forum. Now, there is no perfect way to write those papers so the best thing that you can do is read the examples and follow the advice of the people who helped to improve the essays / recommendation letters. Let me be clear about something right now. You have to write these papers yourself. We are only here to advice and guide you towards creating the best essay that you can. We are not here to write the essay or letter for you. If that is the service that you require then you should hire a professional writing service. Based upon the examples that you will be reading, you can create your own motivation letter and have us review it here. I do not recommend that you write your own recommendation letter because the reviewer will easily see through a recommendation letter that was not written by a professor. Most of the students here try to write their own letters and they find it very difficult to do. It is best to have your professor write the recommendation letters themselves and then we can help you clean it up or improve the content. Don't write the letter yourself.

Undergraduate / Reason of becoming a Hokie - I love everything about it. Application essay for Virginia Tech [3]

Krishna, let's get something straight here. You cannot make vague pronouncements such as "award winning faculty" in an essay like this. Where did you get the information to make that claim? What makes you say that? Have you already experienced being taught by their professors? Such a claim can only be made by someone who has already had the Hokie professor experience.

You can't just say "Once a Hokie, always a Hokie". You are not making a valid claim here. Your explanation is so vague that it doesn't make any sense to the reader. This sentiment can only be made by one of two people. The first is the person who has spent some time studying Virginia Tech. The second, is a legacy student, which means that his mother of his father is a graduate of the university so he decided to attend the university because of his bloodline.

What clubs and organizations would you want to join? Be specific. You need to convince the reviewer that you are excited about this aspect of student life at the university by presenting your choices for clubs and organizations to join.

At this point, I really don't feel like you know the university at all. These comments just sound like you did a cut and paste job from the comments of students and online blogs. There is no clear reference to a familiarity between you and the university. You have a superficial, if not generic, reference point for all your 5 reasons, which makes this a very weak response essay to present. I would try to beef up the information with specifics before I decide on a final copy of this essay.

Undergraduate / A positive change in Dominicana. Summer Health Professions Education Program Diversity Essay [3]

Brayan, your narrative touches the heart but does not allow you to respond to the prompt in an accurate manner. While the presentation of the experience at the hospital sounds like that is what the prompt requires you to do, that is not exactly the case. The prompt is asking you to discuss your background in dealing with medical or dental care disparities. This should be based upon actual service experience either as a member of a volunteer organization or as part of your exposure immersion experience for students interested in entering this line of work.

Your essay needs to reflect your work and accomplishments in this field. Therefore, telling the story about your family's migration to America is not a necessary part of this essay. The experience you had upon your return to your home country is a valid jumping off point, provided you are able to connect it to your interest in the field by explaining that after you experienced that, you decided to join such and such organization in order to do what you can to help those in need of medical care but lacking in funds.

Try to approach the essay from the aforementioned perspective. You need to be able to present some sort of professional or amateur experience in this field in order for the essay to work to your benefit.

Undergraduate / Review on the "Saving Private Ryan" Spielberg movie [4]

Dmitri, this is more of a movie review than a reflection upon how the movie surprised you and how. When you read the word "Critique", I think you decided that the essay wanted you to present a movie review. Let me correct that misconception. You were not being asked to present, a movie review. You were being asked to explain how the movie affected you as person. Did it help you develop something in your personality? Were you persuaded by the movie to consider how you view war and its effects on the lives of the soldiers? Why did you choose this movie in particular? Do you come from a military family? Or are you a soldier yourself? It seems to me that your essay needs more work. It doesn't really offer an insight into your personality because you decided to take an unattached approach to the review of the movie that you wrote. The only reflection at the end, where you make a connection with yourself, shows that you are not trying to connect the movie with you on a personal note, you are just discussing it as a viewer. That is not the point of the essay. Try to revise the essay based upon the questions I provided above.

Undergraduate / The simple (maybe the silly ;) things in life make me happy [4]

Mualla, remove the reference to the Turkish TV character. If the reviewer is not familiar with him or the program, the reason that makes you happy will be lost on him. What I mean is, it won't matter to him in the review of your essay. Stick to the more easily understood or more familiar topics such as Baklava, making smoothies, and going to the book shop. These are all activities that are more commonly undertaken, experienced, and understood by the public. The essay is really good as far as I can tell. It really shows a more relaxed side to your personality and also provides an insight into how you prefer to spend your off days from school. The only drawback that I see, is that you don't really get to delve into the details of how and why these activities make you happy. You stick the reviewer with a general explanation at the end which is supposed to apply to all the activities as a common factor. I think you should just cut it down to one or two activities that make you happy so that you can better explain the reasons behind those choices.

Undergraduate / DUKE - Why? If I became a Blue Devil... My love for photojournalism [3]

Katie, what the prompt is asking you to do is present some common factors that exist between you and Duke. These could be in terms of academic compatibility, objectives, ideologies, or simply, a common desire for a particular type of education. The response that you have currently provided leans more towards the "how will you pursue your academic and social interests as a student" prompt than the "Why Duke?" question. I haven't really read anything in your current essay that would tell me why Duke is a good match for you. Neither does it tell me what first attracted you to Duke. What I have learned, is how you plan to study at Duke. Which is similar to the prompt requirements, but not really the exact information that the question requires as an answer. Look at the sample essay on this forum. I believe you can get an idea as to how to better respond to the prompt if you review the previous work of others first.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master of Production Engineering [5]

Andrey, deliver what the motivation letter requires as an overview or summary of your educational and professional background. Being a one page letter, this is only considered a cover page for your actual application. Therefore, you can write paragraphs of up to 10 sentences long in order to present the required summary. You should not prioritize one section over the other as the reviewer will be using the letter to consider whether he should immediately decide to read your application packet or if it can wait till later because what you wrote as an introduction in the motivation letter was not complete or interesting to him.

Now, the letter needs to be only a single page. That is true. What I would like to know, is if the instructions gave you a font size requirement as well. If they did not, then you can legally reduce your font size to 10. This will allow you to type more information on a single page. Thus allowing you to offer the best, complete information that you can to the reviewer. Consider this suggestion and see if you can make it work for your letter. I look forward to reading the revision.

Undergraduate / The birth of an unprecedented lifetime bond. Amherst supplement quote response. [8]

Noor, when you mention that you were part of a program, it will be easier for the reviewer to believe that you were really a participant in it once you mention the name of the program along with the duration dates of your stay in the U.S. This is highly important information that the reviewer will want to verify with the office of the program. It will increase your chances of being selected for a student slot at Amherst if you can prove that you have an existing record of having come to the USA and leaving on the scheduled date.

Overall, the presented information highlights the important aspects of the quote that you are responding to. You have a solid understanding of the requirements and have truly shared the acceptable explanation of how you embody the quotation as a Muslim citizen who looks forward to opening the eyes of the world to the true values of your culture, religion, and heritage. It will be a highly informative essay once it is presented to the reviewer for consideration.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: My experience as a Volunteer EMT [4]

Neena, this is a very strong narrative. It really shows your civic background and your desire to be helpful to others. The essay is quite long in this regard and yet, I am left with a question about this background story. How does it apply to the person that you are today in relation to your major? True, this is a story that speaks volumes about your character development. I admire the person whose story is told in the essay. But what is the point of it all? Since you still have some word count allowance available, I believe that you should use that count to create a paragraph that details how this has helped you realize your dream of becoming a -- whatever it is that your course major will result in with regards to your profession.

Overall, the story is engaging, well spaced, and has taken the needs of the reader for clear information presentation into consideration with the development of the paragraphs. Good work doing that. Now, let's see if we can add some weight to the background story by connecting your personality development with your choice of majors.

Undergraduate / A brand new step for a giant stride - my first time abroad [3]

Apriza, you have some pretty solid credentials when it comes to your background as an applicant. So that is a major strength of your application. Having said that, I have to point out that you have spent a tremendous amount of the essay space, ok, all of the essay space in discussing what you hope to gain from your semester abroad. That doesn't exactly tell the reviewer why you should be considered a great participant in the Global UGrad program. Rather, it seems like you have a lopsided view of the what the program is all about.

Besides the things that you can get from being a participant in the program, you also have to present the reasons why you could be a good addition to the student roster of 250 international students. What exactly can you offer the program in terms of your participation that can make you stand out from the other applicants? Remember, this is a cultural exchange program. So take the revision point of your essay from that keyword, "cultural exchange". What is it about your culture and heritage that you hope to share with the participants and regular students? What makes you a unique person who can add something to the program in terms of social and cultural understanding that the other applicants may not be able to offer?

Don't focus solely on your wants and expectations of the program. Talk about what you can offer the program as well. Balance the discussion. The first half can be all about what you hope to achieve and the next half, should be all about what you can offer. That way, the reviewer will see that you understand the logic behind your participation in the program.

Undergraduate / I want to become Boilermaker / the "Ger" district in Mongolia. WHY PURDUE? [3]

Bat, I will only be responding to the first statement that you wrote for reasons that Jessica already previously mentioned. The essay that you wrote has me wondering as to whether or not you actually have done any research into the course offerings that the university provides for your major. You do not refer to any actual academic classes that Purdue offers which will help to support your interest in your intellectual development. All of your discussion is centered around your social development on campus. The prompt specifically asks you to discuss your interests both in the classroom and out of the classroom. Therefore, the specific classes that you wish to study in relation to your major must be mentioned as a part of this essay. It should comprise at least the first 50 words in a paragraph format. The social interests that you will be pursing should be in the 2nd paragraph, covering only 50 words as well.

Undergraduate / Boston College Supplemental Essay- Physics is a part of me! [9]

Nicholas, you still don't get it. You are being way too academic in your approach to this problem when all you need is a practical approach. You are offering a highly complicated problem when you are being asked to present simple discussions. Let me see if I can present another way of discussing this essay in a manner that you might better understand.

Let us say that your parents went away and locked up the house while you were at a friend's house. So you got home to find the door locked. Your parents did not give you a copy of the key to the door and they did not leave an extra copy for you to use when they left. You badly need to get into the house because it is raining and you are still recovering from your last bout with a cold. How do you get in? That is the side that has you truly invested in getting into the house.

The creative solution you came up with? You know that the house had 2 floors and your do not lock your bedroom window. So the only way into the house is to have you climb up the trellis outside your room window, open the window, and enter the house from there. That is the creative solution you needed to use.

Try to lower your sights regarding the content of the essay. You need to present something creative that shows how you can manage to use practical experience to solve everyday problems that you are invested in. You are not trying to win the Noble Prize, you are just trying to show off your problem solving skills the way the prompt wants you to.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement--My childhood dream...was a luxury to me [6]

If you really want to keep the reference to the yearly Spring Festival as a memory from your childhood, then you will have to present is not as a luxury, but rather as an event that you look forward to, more than the Spring Festival itself. Again, keep in mind that a luxury is something you wish to have but cannot really attain because you are being prevented from doing so by some reason. Since you experience it as a highlight to your year then it can be better described as a yearly event on your part. Just like your birthday is a one a year event that is commemorated, so is the time you spend with your parents once a year.

Again, do not concentrate so much on the anecdote and if possible, remove the reference to your childhood so that the reviewer will not think of the event as something irrelevant that you are trying to make sound important. Just mention the event, sans any time reference. That way, you can also play more with the reasons as to why this event was all too important to you. Maybe say something about your parents only being able to influence your development as a person, not as a child, but as a person, for 7 days out of the year. Which is why the time spent together is memorable for all of you.

Graduate / Drosophila mutants. Margin indent and SOP review PhD genetics [10]

I think that the best place to reveal that information is after the paragraph about the deadline fast approaching. This presentation should have a stand alone paragraph so that you can fully develop the discussion regarding the research plan, opportunities, and possible outcomes in a well connected manner. It is important that your essay show a logical plan of study, research, and results because you are trying to prove that you have the talent, skills, and devotion to making your dissertation a reality. A PhD in your line of study is hard enough to complete without the research, so showing how you will continue the build upon your practical skills via research will certainly impress the reviewer.

Keep in mind that you have to edit the content when you present the research. So the story that you told beneath the deadline approaching should be removed from the essay. We should only focus on the facts, your skills, and background in relation to the PhD course. The anecdotes, all of it, have to be removed because it only takes up your word count which can be used for other important fact presentations.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master of Production Engineering [5]

Andrey, I believe that the motivation letter was asking you to deliver some information about your educational background and its relationship with your interest in masters degree studies. Aside from an overview of your college background, you are also being asked to discuss your current training or education in the field of work you are in. Have you not attended any seminars or training sessions with regards to production engineering?

Those are vital bits of information for the motivation letter so you have to be able to present something along those lines. All I am reading at the moment are your future plans and how the university can help you achieve these plans. There is a lack of reference to continued education, which is a vital requirement for all masters degree students.

If you cannot prove continued education, then it will be hard for the reviewer to believe that you are well equipped, trained, or truly interested in this field of study. He needs to see that your previous training has a relevance in your masters studies and it will be an integral part of your future career as well.

Undergraduate / I dream of becoming an innovator in aerospace exploration. Syracuse supplement [4]

Don't keep making references to your disturbed past in all the application prompts that you are responding to. Do not risk reader fatigue when it comes to that information. It tends to irritate the reviewer to constantly be reminded of that. That is why the rule of thumb in writing these statements and essays is for the applicant to never repeat information in their responses. You need inform the reviewer only once. He will tend to remember it as he reviews your essay. At this point, it sounds like a very tired pity card that you keep on playing, hoping to win the sympathy of the reviewer to allow you admission into the school. Remember, your documented merits will have more weight than the essays alone. So make sure you have the grades to make it into the school. Otherwise, no amount of sad past on your part will get you a slot as a student.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

The rebel one can be turned into a usable one with a little more work so don't trash it just yet. We can work on making it finally usable in an extreme case. I hope this next essay will be better suited to the prompt. I'll give you time to work on this one. You said you have 5 essays to focus on right? Don't let this essay take too much of your time. Make sure that you leave enough time for us to finish working on the other essays as well. Don't cut it too close. I don't want to be the one to pressure you into getting all of the essays done in a rush.

In the new essay, don't link back to writing your essay and saying it would be an honor or whatever if you are admitted to an American school. That is a prompt deviation. Instead, use the various learning methods to prove your challenge to the 12 hour study day instead. That will better tie in with what you will be discussing.

Writing Feedback / Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, th [2]

Dimitry, I am not sure about how to review your essay. That is because you used the full prompt for the title instead of giving a creative title to your essay and then placing the full prompt in the message box instead. So at this point, we have only a partial prompt in the title box, which doesn't offer us much guidance when it comes to reviewing your prompt for task accuracy. Without a proper assessment of your task accuracy, it will be next to impossible to accurately score your cohesiveness and cohesion, lexical resource, and grammar accuracy. Is there a chance that you can provide the complete prompt as soon as you can so that we can review your essay based on the prompt parameters? You can't expect an accurate review of your essay if we can't access the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

Go for it. I am looking forward to reading the revised essay. Do not be afraid to write a totally new essay if you feel that is what you have to do. It is better to just start anew than force the issue using a statement that you feel will not work for you. Even though you are just a senior in high school, that doesn't mean that you can't contribute to the betterment of the demanding academic life of a student in your country. It is important to show the unfairness of the 12 hour school day then have you go home to do even more studying. Challenge that idea and make it count. You can rehash some information from this current essay if you want to. Let's see where we can take this. So remember, the new challenge is "You don't have to study all the time in order to get good grades or get into good schools."

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

Okay. I have given this some thought and I think there is something we can do to adjust the essay. Keep the talk about your friend and the 12 hour study days. This time, develop a paragraph that states how, because of your feeling of being pressured to constantly perform academically and what happened to your friend, you decided to make some changes to your academic life when you started school again. Talk about how you challenged the idea that students need to be pressured to perform well by taking time off once you got home from school. Taking say 4 hours per day to just relax and not study. Then say that you found that having the time to relax after a 12 hour school day led to your better academic performance at school. That way we can keep the idea that you will continue to challenge the heavy academic schedule belief of your country and still make your friend's story relevant.

I know, there is a limited word count. Don't think about that for now. Just keep writing. I'll tell you which parts to cut out . Right now, you can cut out the part about the rebellion. We are going to take a different approach to the essay and see if it will work better for your prompt.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

Yeah, I gathered as much. Your rebellion sounded more like you were letting off extra steam and looking for an outlet to help you release your tension at your forthcoming rigorous study time at the school. Maybe you should change the slant of the essay from saying that you were going to rebel to something about you just wanting to have some time to yourself. Having pleased your parents, you were looking for a way to please yourself. Which is why you thought of doing the graffiti thing in school. How does that sound to you? It makes more sense that you would want to have a chance to literally "breath" in a world where academics tend to suck the life out of the student. It's one more edit / revision that has to be made to the pertinent paragraph. I hope you feel okay about that. I really like the way your essay is shaping up. I don't want you to give up on it at this point. We are so close to getting it ready.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

If the offense is not included in your official student record then there is no need to mention it. However, you should inform the reviewer that this wall is painted over every 2 weeks. That is to explain why you conducted an offense that, in the U.S., could get you suspended or kicked out of school, and yet did not even get a reprimand for it. Make it appear that this wall is truly dedicated to student graffiti in order to make it believable that your offense would go unpunished. In reference to the song, yes, it became a bit too subtle for the reader. It is always best to spell it out for the reviewer in order to make sure that your response comes across clearly and understandably on the end of the reviewer. I still want you to keep the song reference though. So say something like, "As Kurt Cobain once said..." in order to add the song as a supporting statement.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

In the second paragraph say "I left the party to illegally enter my school, which was closed at the time." When you transition to your friend crying on the roof, it would be better to say "I decided to move closer and saw my friend Triet, his face dripping with tears that he tried to wipe away as I approached him." The timeline of the events is pretty clear even if you do not make a direct reference to it. I think we have already addressed the tonal errors with every revision that we have done. That said, I think we need to make your conclusion clearer. You have to better reference the fact that given the same situation in the future, you would still react the same way. While the song is a good note to close on, you should make sure that your message is clear by actually stating it in reference to the song. Before I forget, make sure to reference the fact that you got some sort of punishment from your school because of the offense that you did. Let is not be said that you got away with doing something bad in your school. That would make the reviewer question the integrity of the school you are coming from.

Undergraduate / I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life easier [9]

Well, you don't really need to mention the name of your computer teacher. A simple reference to the teacher will be sufficient in this case. I think that you can also skip the reference to your friends mocking you and that your father only nodded his head when you told him you needed a computer. Instead, you can work in the fact that your father did not buy you a working computer but, since you knew the importance of the computer in your class and in your grades, you did what you could to rent one whenever you can. You can omit the phrase about you being scolded. You don't really explain why you were sometimes scolded anyway. You can also omit the part about "Spending hours with friends ..." The paragraph after that is stronger and better segues into the concluding statement at this point. We might be able to edit some more parts of the essay after your revision. It all depends upon how the new presentation will spotlight your essay.

Scholarship / Science and research passion - Statement of Purpose graduate admission requirement [4]

Ashab, you have gotten your researched published in 3 journals. Use that as a strength in your application. Universities are always impressed by students who have managed to get their research papers published because it turns you into some sort of authority in that field. If you can, please mention the title of the articles and the journals where these were published, with publication date if ever. That will be a very good addition to your credentials. Specially if your succeeding masters degree thesis is still related to your previous research. The interest will be in the way that your next set of research, if published, will be done with the help of the university. Potential publicity for the university will have the reviewer consider your application more seriously. So make sure to build up on that information. Highlight it whenever possible and when you discuss your next research project, make sure to imply that you plan to have it published while you are still a student at the university.

Writing Feedback / Property ownership - justification essay [6]

John, it would seem to me that you are already prepared to take the test. Now, keep in mind that I am not a professional who has an in-depth knowledge and understanding of this particular class. However, the discussion this time around is even clearer than your first because you have already clearly defined the discussion per passage. By the way, in the first paragraph you mention the first passage as "page" always refer to it as a passage because your keyword is important in the essay. That said, the third paragraph is running a bit long again. Always remember to divide the paragraphs into topics. That way the person reading the essay can easily follow the information being presented. I would have divided the paragraph at the point where you begin to discuss inequality. That is obviously a new topic for discussion so it should have a stand alone paragraph. That way the stress on the eyes of the reader is reduced as well.

Undergraduate / I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life easier [9]

Aswin, your opening paragraph needs to be revised. Try to keep the focus of the essay on you from the very start of the essay. Don't digress by introducing dialogue about your neighbors computer. In fact, don't use any dialogue at all in the essay. Be reflective in nature, not narrative. It doesn't help to use dialogue because the essay doesn't require an interaction between people. So a pondering line of thinking and presentation should work best in this instance. Maybe there is another way that you can open the essay? Maybe you have a memorable personal experience pertaining to your ownership of a computer or an experience with the computer perhaps breaking down at a pivotal time and making you feel hopeless? Any of those instances would make a better opening statement for your essay. This current one that you have doesn't really create the interesting hook that will ask the reviewer to keep reading your essay.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

It's better. There are still some points that require adjustment though. First, remove the time frame to last week and decade in the essay. Reword it in order to keep the event vague in reference to the date or time that it occurred. That will help keep the essay content constantly fresh for the reviewer. You are not sure when you will be submitting this essay so it would be best if you did not refer to a time frame within the essay. Second, you need to add a transition sentence in the paragraph before you described Triet crying. You lost the mention of the fact that you heard him crying and you recognized him as your friend. You need that reference in order to explain why you were severely affected by his situation in life. Nice work using the quote to refer to how you would handle a similar situation in the future. So, just apply these changes to the specific parts of the essay and it should be good to go.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Is Advertisement informative or deceptive [3]

Mohammed, I am of the opinion that you are very well prepared to take the IELTS at this point. Why do I say that? I base that comment on the fact that, even with the minimal grammatical errors in your current essay, you have managed to present an overall ability in all 4 basis for the scores to land only the second 7 score that I have ever given to an IELTS reviewer at this forum. In all honesty, you can score a 7 in each aspect of the scoring rubic if you continue to present such impressive essays. I have only one criticism of your current essay though. You have a tendency to use English slang in a formal essay set up. Always use the full term for a word, do not use the slang reference or shortcuts. The word I am specifically referring to in this essay is the word advertisement which you constantly shorten to the term advert. Don't do that in formal academic writing it shows laziness on your part when it comes to using proper lexical sources.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement--My childhood dream...was a luxury to me [6]

Martin, the way that I read your essay, you somehow got your wish to sit in front of the TV at night with your parents. You were able to bask in their love during the times when they were with your for the Spring Festival. Therefore, saying that such events, no matter how few and far between was a luxury for you is not true. It is only a luxury to you if you cannot do it often or at all. You were able to do this at least during the Spring Festival every year so you cannot say it is a luxury for you. That is why I think that you should remove the reminiscing paragraph at the start of the essay. You have something more important to say about it in the succeeding paragraph so it is best to draw the attention of the reviewer immediately to that aspect of the essay.

Overall, the essay is strong and successfully combines the background, identity, and interest aspects of the prompt. That is not something that most essays manage to accomplish so you really did a good job on this essay. You just need to beef up the opening paragraph so that the reviewer's time is not wasted looking for the actual subject of your essay.

Undergraduate / UIUC-Transfer Essay- Talk about your motivation and how will the university help fulfill your goals [4]

Johnny, there is no compelling reason for you to be considering transferring colleges based upon the line of reasoning that you have just presented. You are talking about an internship, which is a practical, not academic experience related to learning in your line of interest. Therefore, the reasons that you gave do not make any sense.

A properly developed transfer essay focuses on a number of things in to deliver a credible line of reasoning for transfer. One of the reasons that have to be present is the lack of additional educational opportunities at your current school in relation to your chosen major. You have to prove that you cannot receive the same type of education at your current school as you would in your school or interest. Next, you have to discuss how you came to this conclusion. It could be based upon an opportunity to visit the campus, an internship or exchange program that you participated in at the school, or even the convincing of your friends that their school was better than yours. None of these valid and factual reasons exist in your current essay.

In all honesty, the essay that you wrote does not respond to the prompt at all so I am wondering if your response was meant for a different prompt and you accidentally posted it with this question instead? It sometimes happens. For now, I will advise you to write a new essay. One guided by the instructions above. I am sure that you will be able to properly explain your reasons within 300 words or less if you focus on the discussion topics that I recommended.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

The success that I speak of was your admission into the most prestigious high school in the city. You got in but could not appreciate the importance of it because you were focused only on the thought of the 12 hour study days that accompanied such an achievement. That is why I said you were successful but you did not know how to appreciate it. If Triet so badly wanted to get in to the point where he felt hopeless and abandoned by his family when he failed to get in, then you have no excuse to not appreciate the fact that you received admission to the high school.

As for the interaction with Triet, I meant both. The only part that is most important for you to keep in that narration is the part about "It turned out that Triet's high school entrance exam scores...". That should be the last part of the summary of the interaction between the two of you. That will save word count and keep the focus of the conversation where it matters the most, on the reflection that you have with regards to the event.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

Mualla, don't change the language of your essay. Keep your original voice in the way that you wrote it. The way that you developed the essay is great. I don't advice making changes to the grammar because, if your grammar is too perfect in the essay, and your grammar is not as perfect in the actual interview, your true English skills will come into question and make the interviewer question the whether you truly wrote your application essays or if you paid a professional to write it. In which case the reviewer will think twice about giving weight to your essay applications after your actual / oral interview.

Your grammatical mistakes are not so bad that it changes the motive, objective, or message of the paragraph or sentence. So there is no need to vie for perfect grammar. All that matters is that you speak honestly and from the heart. The reviewer will easily understand what you have to say because you express it in a clear manner, in your own way.

Speak in the essay the way that you speak in real life. That is why I appreciate that you changed some of the paragraph that I gave you to use. By adding your voice, the way you think in English, write in English, and speak in English, you now have an essay that you truly wrote. Keep the grammar inconsistencies. It is what makes your essay special and memorable to the reviewer. You are still under the maximum word count with your version of the essay. That is all that is important when considering the word maximum requirement.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

Mualla, I hope you won't mind if I rewrite that last paragraph for you instead:

I did not think that my mother's words had a direct influence upon me on that day. In fact, I forgot all about it until the time came when I was already working as a cashier myself and my honesty would be called into question by a negative suggestion from my co-workers. As the place where we worked promoted an honesty system when it came to our time-in and time-out at work, I always made sure to write my exact in and out times in the logbook. My co-workers did the opposite, they always rounded off their time- in and time-out to the nearest figure in order to increase their salary. When they advised me to do the same thing, I found myself almost mimicking my mother "Be being accurate and honest, I am earning the greatest deal possible. The trust of our employer."

See if this new closing statement is something you would want to use. You can modify it to best suit your needs. This is how I would close the essay though. So you are welcome to use it if it is similar to how you want to close your essay.

Graduate / What are you most proud of outside of your professional life? How does it shape who you are today? [3]

Sofia, you should not keep that single sentence that tries to explain what people are usually proud of in their lives. It doesn't matter to the rest of your discussion. In fact, it doesn't even help to entice the reader to continue reading your paper. In a word limited essay, you must always open the essay with a statement of fact or direct response to the prompt you were provided. This is something that is seen as having been accomplished in your second paragraph. You have impressively narrated why you are proud of your counseling center. Which is no small feat for any professional with a full time job such as yourself. So make sure the reviewer knows about that sense of pride from the very beginning.

I would caution you however in saying negative things like "I am not proud of the fact that that I have managed a counseling center for four years". That is a downgrading of your achievement. If you are expecting someone to tell you "No, you should be proud of what you have achieved", you have another thing coming. The reviewer will not say that. He will just think that you are crazy to be belittling your accomplishments when you are being asked to say what you are proud of it. Remove that line.

Just keep up with the positive purpose of your paper. You clearly show how this advocacy has helped to make you a better person so don't do anything to jeopardize that image in the essay. This is actually a very well developed essay, provided you omit the 2 portions that I previously mentioned.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

Khoa, this essay is best suited for the prompt about you challenging a belief or idea. It is really a very eye opening story to tell as not everyone is familiar with the educational system in Vietnam since the country was formerly closed off to the rest of the world. So this will be an informative essay for the reviewer as well. There is only one missing part in your narrative that was required by the prompt. That is the explanation as to whether you would react the same way should you find yourself in the same situation in the future. What kind of rebellion would you plan on mounting then? Would you instead, try a more logical approach to the problem such as opening up to your parents and telling them about your problem with the 12 hour study days? Would you take an approach that would help not only you, but the others around you like Triet? What would you do differently if you had the chance? I am sure you would not vandalize the school anymore right?

Thing in hindsight for this essay. Now that you know the results of your actions, how would you change your approach to the success that you received but did not really appreciate? Let's work on the missing element of the prompt because it is an important requirement for your essay.

I would like you to summarize the interaction between you and Triet. It is going too long and is not really required in the essay. However, it helps to show how you were enlightened so a summary of the events as it took place would better highlight the epiphany that you had while talking to your friend.

Writing Feedback / Urbanization is a modern disease. [4]

Vittal, are you presenting the prompt in the first paragraph or is that part of your opening statement? Kindly provide a copy of the complete prompt requirement so that you can be better assessed in terms of the scoring band for this task. It is a bit difficult to decide on your task accuracy and grammar range scores due to the lack of prompt requirements. While the essay seems to be properly discussed, there are some grammatical issues and task accuracy questions that I have with regards to your writing. These questions that I have can only be clarified by the prompt requirements. I want to be fair in scoring you so I will withhold giving you final scores for the 4 sections until you can provide me with the accurate prompt. I will wait for it. Thanks.

Undergraduate / The UGA faculty has determined that the student body should demonstrate the qualities listed in the [5]

Shawn, are you responding to a college application prompt? If you are, kindly provide me with a copy of the complete prompt so that I can better analyze your response for the required parameters. At the moment, the essay seems well developed and provides a clear response to "something". It is this "something" that I need to be sure about. I would like to verify the veracity of your claims in accordance with the reviewer's expectations stemming from your response. I am unsure as to why you are making comparisons between schooling in Germany and the USA and I am sure that the prompt can help me decide whether this is the right slant in which to take your response or not. Kindly provide the prompt as soon as you can. It doesn't matter if it is not for a college application. I just need the complete instructions so that I can properly guide you in terms of revising the content or polishing the content of your essay.

Undergraduate / Just keep swimming - UVA prompt - a quote that inspires you and can inspire others [5]

Aubrey, if you want to really strengthen this essay, the don't dwell on the story of "Finding Dory" as a film. A simple reference to the movie as the source of the quote is sufficient enough. You are not iMDB so you need not be so detailed in the description of the film. This is almost a film analysis rather than a response to a prompt. What you should do is open the essay with the quote from the movie, say the name of the movie, then explain why this is a quote that you find highly applicable to your own life. After you explain that part, you can then consider how you view other people who come to you for advice and you tell them to "just keep swimming". and why you tell them that. Make sure that you will have 2 different explanations. One for the applicability of the quote to yourself, then its applicability to others whom you wish to help. This isn't about how the quote applies to Dory, which you are trying to fit to yourself. Rather, this is about you, finding a deeper meaning in the quote than just what was offered in the film. Go beyond Dory and what you learned from the movie. Go for the deep insight into the quote instead.