Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

When I say language limitation, I am referring to your lack of knowledge of the English language which could sometimes hinder the development of an essay. It does not have any relation with the word count of an essay which only has a relationship with the length or number of words in the written text. Thank you for the complete information. See if my suggested opening statement works for you:

While walking back to class from the library, my friends and I had to pass through the large common area of our school. Since other classes were going on and the common area surrounded by classrooms, we did our best to keep quiet so as not to disturb the ongoing lectures. So you can imagine the irritation of the teachers when, upon spotting a $20 on the ground, I loudly asked "Who dropped a $20?" Shattering the concentration of students in at least 3 classrooms...

Use that as the basis of your revised essay. I believe that you can see the kind of necessary changes that I have been suggesting to you as applied in the opening statement I created.

Undergraduate / Beethoven's Opus 109 - Stanford Essay - Intellectual Development [9]

Donut, when the essay speaks of intellectual vitality, you have an opportunity to represent a unique learning experience on your part. Something that is not related so much to the things that you love to do or the major that you have chosen. While I can see your love for music coming through and the inspiration that you take from the activity, the development of the intellectual vitality part is lacking. The activity is what is hindering the essay in my opinion. While the violin playing can represent an abstract intellectual growth, unless you can fully explain a specific intellectual development in reference to the music. You cannot be extremely abstract as you are now with this topic. We need to see an activity that really promotes unrealized intellectual development on your part. A sense of maturity, a deeper understanding of the world, and an active continuing intellectual development are important to this essay. So limiting it to the single action of constantly playing Opus 109 is probably not the way to go this time around.

Undergraduate / MATHEMATICAL OLYMPIAD - Princeton: Baymax influenced me [10]

Anonym, perhaps you can try to first talk about your ideas behind Math and what you did not like about it in the first place. If you show that negative aspect of your interest, then introduce Baymax as the person who changed your mind about Math and helped to grow your love for Math, then his inclusion in the essay will take on more of a supporting role in the overall narrative. Do not open with Baymax immediately. Open with statement about yourself, math, and what Baymax inspired you to do with regards to it. Aim to mention yourself first in reference to the work that Baymax did. In truth, if you focus only on the influence he had on you and not the activities such as his hanging a medal on your team's heads, then the essay will have a better focus on you as a Math aficionado instead.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers [6]

Eri, you can try something like this to make better sense of your statement:

2015
Toured Japan, Korea, Europe;
World view expanded.
Art in Florence;
Food tasted,
Cheesy Topologi.

2016
Appreciated Grandpa's life.
Technology Student Association;
highlight of competitions won.
Felt happy and new
While sharing my first love,
Music with children.

What I am trying to do here is show you an example of the unique way that you get your message across clearly to the reviewer. Notice how the poem includes dates of activities? That is the most important part of the information. You can adjust the poem I have above or you can make your own new one. The important thing is that you don't make yourself seem like you are just throwing random phrases at the reviewer. Even phrases, when properly presented, can make sense upon first reading.

Undergraduate / 'helping hand at the end of your arm' My Common Application Essay for the Ivy League Colleges [5]

Saad, the essay about the transition to adulthood works well at this point. Go ahead and use that already. There is nothing else to be done in terms of content for the essay. You did a very good job on the revision. As for the second essay, my apologies but I cannot give you advice regarding that prompt essay in this thread. The forum strictly implements a one essay per thread policy so I cannot respond to that essay here. You will have to post it as a separate , new thread in the forum. The admin will delete the second essay post once the system informs them about it. So it would be best if you just post a new essay thread where I can respond to you without being concerned that the essay and my advice to you will be deleted.

Undergraduate / The latent 'choranaptyxic' embryo - Harvard - extracurricular activities or work experience(150W) [5]

Mhod, you while the drama club is a good extra curricular activity to discuss, I do not believe that focusing on a single dramatic presentation is the way to go with this essay. You have to talk about the activity in general terms. Terms that will allow you to present the way that the drama club has influenced you to become a better person, or has helped you to hone a talent. The extra curricular activity should not focus on one particular experience alone. It has to be all encompassing in terms of presentation. You will need, in my opinion, to revise the essay by focusing on the general instead of specific benefits that you have gained through your participation in the drama club.

Undergraduate / My Extracurricular Activity Essay for Colleges. EYP - European Youth Parliament [7]

Dzvenyslava , I am a bit confused. If this is an extra curricular activity, then this should be something that you are doing on a continuous basis outside of school. Since this activity comes to an end, it doesn't seem like an accurate extra curricular activity to discuss here. Is this similar to the MUN or Model UN activity that some students participate in while at school? If it is, then you should pick a different extra curricular activity. An extra curricular activity is one that takes place after class, usually out of the school and does not relate to anything academic. This is supposed to be about an activity that is done as a form of pursuing other non academic interests. I don't think this EYP is the way to go with the essay.

Undergraduate / ISB PGP , Why you? Essay, 400 words; a worthy member of the prestigious students' pool of ISB [3]

In paragraph 3, you have the chance to set yourself apart from the other applicants of the essay. How do you that? First, you name the international client that you handled. Then, you tell the reviewer the name of the award that you received. If it was an accolade, explain if you received a formal form of appreciation for your work. The part of the essay after that is not really impressive. It could just be because of your presentation or the event is really not significant in such an important paper.

In truth, there is actually no information in this paper that "pops" to the attention of the reader. It is hard to say that the essay is strong because it lacks an interesting hook for the reviewer to latch on to. We need something in the essay that will call attention to a strong skill, trait, or talent of yours which might give you a chance to win the student slot. I am just not sure what that can be at this moment. Do you have any ideas we can play with for that part of the essay?

Undergraduate / I lost my IPad but I found something much more valuable. Common App 2nd Prompt Essay. [4]

Batjin, the essay is very good. It is too long winded and needs to be cut down for length so that the essay can be easier to read for the reviewer. Read the essay a few more times and try to cut out the unnecessary parts because most of the essay sounds like word fillers and nothing more. Try to get to the point or the climax of your story as soon as you can. That way the reviewer will be more interest in reading your essay. The shorter and more informative it is, the better. By the way, there is only one missing aspect to the essay that can make it a perfect response to the prompt. How did your parents react to the loss of the IPad? How did they react to the fact that you were able to handle the problem alone, even though you lost such an expensive gadget? We need the acknowledgement on their part of your adult actions in order to make this a real transition event.

Undergraduate / Passion for mathematics (which isn't just a class. It's a philosophy) - Personal Statement [4]

Bold, the focus of the essay should be on your ability to pick yourself up from failure. That means you will not have the help of other people to get you over the failed attempt that you had. In this case, the essay focuses more on the role of your friend in picking you up from the failure that you had. You sound morose in this essay and really unable to help yourself get over your failure unless someone helps you do it.

What you need to do is present an essay that focuses on your ability to learn from your failure. This mean you are capable of succeeding in life without help from other people because you know how to direct your life towards success stemming from failure. Perhaps it would be best if you just write a totally new essay instead. One that focuses solely on your ability to recover from failure because of the lessons that you learned from it.

Undergraduate / Things I've done during my gap year - working in the paints store [6]

Anonym, you definitely need to polish this essay along with making the content more understandable for the reviewer. It is really a very confusing essay to read. If this is your gap year, then you should speak of your grandparents death in past tense. In fact, you can just integrate it into the second paragraph by saying:

My grandfather on both sides of my parents died last year. Since he worked for his father, he had to handle some financial problems my grandfather left when he died. Needless to say the unexpected death severely handicapped our finances so my father was only able to barely answer for our family's financial needs. That is why I had to delay attending college for a year. Since our finances have stabilized, I am now looking forward to attending college next year.

I have not been idle during my gap year. I have spent most of my time helping my dad at the family business. My participation there has helped me keep abreast of my academic education because...

I hope my example of how to better develop the essay can help you develop the rest of the statement. Your work has potential. You just have not applied yourself properly to its development. Please work hard on this essay in all aspects. This essay can help you get into college if written properly.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for an International Development Studies Program. [3]

Noman, add credibility to your claim of realizing that you wanted to work with people by adding the complete name of the organization you worked with, the location / name of the refugee camp, and the years when you participated in this program. That information will be vetted for validity and help in your application because it aligns with the program you wish to study. Since you are applying to an International Development Studies program, the way that you interacted with these people are of paramount importance to your essay. So give this presentation a separate paragraph in the overall essay.

Do not say that you think you are one of the best candidates for the program. If you think you are the best then that means that you know you are not qualified for the program. The belief of the reviewer in your ability to qualify for the program will rely solely on your confidence in yourself and the image of certainty that you deliver in your personal statement. So be sure of yourself. Do not speak wit uncertainty. That will not help your essay.

The rest of the essay seems to work well with the other portions so I am not so worried about those sections. My main concern is on the paragraphs that I mentioned above. I hope you can revise them in a manner that best strengthens your essay.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

No, the reviewer doesn't know the rest of the story because you placed the confrontation at the start of the essay. So don't assume that he will remember the confrontation when you insinuate a reference to it in the middle of the essay. Look, stop trying to create a narrative that is better suited for a creative writing class. The reviewer is not interested in how well you tell a story. He is interested in the story that you have to tell alone. It doesn't matter if it sounds like it was written by Dr. Seuss or J.K. Rowling. Just tell the story. The version you have developed now is more than good enough to use but the fact that the confrontation came before the argument started so that is a problem in this version of the essay.

It would be best if you just use the version that you wrote before this one because it is more straight forward and gets the job done. That is all you have to do. Respond to the prompt. In a timely and accurate fashion. There is no need to turn this into the next Shakespearean play. No grammatical errors as far as I can tell. The essay was ready for use yesterday.

Seriously. It was ready for use with the version prior to this one. You just crossed the line and made a mistake that will have you revising the whole essay so the reviewer can make sense of this version that you just wrote. Use the version before this one. The reviewer will thank you for it.

Graduate / Imperial College "Concrete Structures" Personal Statement [6]

Eng, I analyzed your essay before I wrote the advice that I previously gave you. That is why I was able to tell you which specific parts of your essay you can just take out of the original one in order to create a better and more informative essay that will best suit the prompt requirements. The parts of the essay that do not really belong in the discussion are not included in the paragraph count because those are supposed to be removed from the revised essay. So in answer to your question, paragraph 3 will remain in the essay so you don't need to worry about it. It is an important part of the essay. Just put together the paragraphs I mentioned and the new essay will take very good shape and meaning for you that you can better use with your application.

Undergraduate / My two homes: one in South Dakota, another in Texas - Brown supplement [4]

Stephanie, as a Korean immigrant, you actually have lived in 3 places so you should describe the lessons you learned from all 3. These places are Korea, Rapid City, and El Paso. The prompt clearly states that you should describe all the places where you have lived so omitting the Korean living experience would be a mistake. That is actually the living place that you had which would pop out for the reviewer because that is where you started life and that is where your character was founded. Therefore, it is a necessary element of this essay. Highlight that part of your Korean life in a way that its importance to your development as a person is clearly seen and carries the same weight at the other two places where you lived once you got to the U.S.

Undergraduate / Untitled - My Common App - Not one talent, background, or identity defines me. [4]

Katie, what you have written is a background essay so you cannot say that you do not have a background. Classify this as a complex background essay. That way all of the characters that you portray in the story make sense. Word of advice though, the first paragraph is all about Lily and not you. That has to be revised to bring the focus on your personality as an aunt. The reviewer doesn't care what page on People magazine is your niece's favorite, unless it is the same as your favorite page. Omit the 4 year old self in the essay as well. It doesn't make sense to suddenly go back to infancy when you have already discussed so much success and failure in your life as a potential college student. Stick to one personality and that is the almost adult one that you have. That way the essay becomes a background and character trait essay instead of a complex and confusing written narrative.

Undergraduate / Paideia - the complete education of mind, body and spirit. Contribution to the Reed community [5]

You can actually keep the movie if you want to. Like I said, the education of the mind, body, and spirit in this instance will come from the way that your class will observe the faults in a seemingly perfect movie. Yes, I said seemingly perfect because the movie still has its flaws. Check the movie trivia for the possible conversation starters that you can have for the class. I am sure you will find the mistakes of the movie as fascinating as the scientific correctness of its other aspects. Sometimes, the education of the person is not limited to the propriety of the information that is shared, it can also come from the faults of a person. So you could focus on the imperfection of the prefect science in the movie in order to give them a unique movie learning experience.

Undergraduate / Tetris blocks - relax sometimes to keep your mind ready. U Penn supplemental essay - engineering. [5]

Khatanbuuvei, your narrative is really long but does not offer any solid idea as to how UPenn became the the school where you will best pursue your academic and other intellectual interests. You have decided to introduce the reviewer to your background instead of actually connecting your interests with the way that UPenn will be able to help you cultivate and grow those interests. You only talk about UPenn towards the end of the essay and still, you did not manage to respond to the prompt correctly. All you have to do is look at the academic offerings of the university, how they present the methods by which you can learn and how you can pursue other academic interests through their clubs, organizations, specific classes, and other methods. This current essay is not focused on UPenn and the requirements of the prompt. So you would do best to develop a new essay that will reflect your familiarity with the university, which is the whole point of the essay.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

You are right, I am not ignoring you. I just had some other stuff to do that kept me away from the computer. Like I warned you before, I would probably be delayed in responding but I will definitely respond to you as soon as I have the time to do it. Guess what? Now is the time.

The additional dialogue that you placed at the beginning is pretty good and helps to represent the voice of your parents. However, you need to make a connection between that event and the party. Somehow, you have to connect that as the aftermath of your decision to take it easy academically and the fact that you told your parents about it at the party. Yes, the tense usage is fine. You are trying to recreate a situation on paper so it makes sense to use present past tense. Since it happened not too long ago. The essay is really ready to use now. Stop it with the editing. At a certain point, you are going to edit yourself into a mistake that will have you suddenly dissatisfied with your essay and worse, have you working on a totally new one because you don't know how to fix the mistake you made. In this case the saying "Leave well enough alone." totally applies.

Undergraduate / Syracuse: What influenced me (advanced writing) [4]

Selin, it seems that your essay focus is more on the people that influenced you to apply to Syracuse. The thing is, you do not identify them by name. If the reviewer is to take your statement seriously, then you should name the people you spoke to as alumnus at the university. However, you can only use his or her name if he or she is writing a recommendation letter for you to support your application. If you do not have any supporting documents coming from them, then do not mention them in the essay in any way. Most specially, you cannot make them nameless in the essay. Doing so makes the reviewer doubt your claims so it nullifies the statement. Instead, focus on what you learned about Syracuse in terms of their objectives in educating students. Talk about what appeals to you in that field instead.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers [6]

Eri, whether you paid for the trips or not is not the issue. So whether you sound like a brat or not doesn't matter. The question only asks you to tell the reviewer what you did over the summer. He is not going to judge you on whether you paid for the trips or not. Please tell your friend that these responses require direct answers since these are word limited essays. The reviewer will not have any opinion of you other than the fact that you spent your 2 summers doing highly productive and relevant activities that helped you increase your knowledge and allowed you to pursue your educational interests. So there is nothing wrong at all with the activities that you listed. The only thing that I can advise you to do is mention the summer months and years that these activities took place so that the reviewer when you did what. Right now, it seems like you are just discussing one long summer. So just put the demarcation and your essay should be alright to submit.

Undergraduate / The cues of the Yoruba, Igbo and the western culture. MIT Cultural Background Essay [6]

Davidson, I strongly suggest that you use the Optional Section in Part 2 to further develop your essay. Since you are being asked to introduce your cultural background and identity, it cannot be limited to 100 words. We need to make sure that you accurately build up the history of your people (the roots of Igbo), any particular social traditions that help to identify you to the world, the kind of international relations your country has (allied nations, etc.) and anything else that helps to identify you as a unique culture in a world full of seemingly individualized cultures. I think that you are part of an ethnic tribe in Nigeria right? So you have to discuss how Nigeria, as a government, treats your tribe (if that is the correct term), your problems and successes, and a host of other information. All of which are important in representing who you are and how your tribe has helped you achieve that unique character that you embody. We may be able to adjust the content of your essay. First, you need to write a new draft that has enough information for us to work with. Then i will help you from there.

Undergraduate / Why you have applied or expressed interest in a particular campus, school, college, program... [4]

Jood, there is no need for you to tell the reviewer that your parents are against you enrolling at NYU- AD. That is irrelevant to your interest in the university and the major that you are interested in applying for acceptance to. While your 11th grade exposure to the university makes for a good background story, and I do suggest keeping that part of the essay in the revised version, you have not discussed what major you are planning to enroll in and why you feel that NYU-AD is the best place for you to pursue your dreams in relation to your chosen major. I mean, you clearly are set on enrolling at the Abu Dhabi campus. What is not clear is why you want to enroll in this campus in relation to your major. So you need to properly represent your chosen college course in one paragraph, then present a supporting reason in relation to the way you be educated in that field at NYU-AD. If you can properly represent the missing part, then you will have a pretty solid response to the prompt. Do not discuss the international campuses at this point. That is not required discussion. Just focus on 2 things; your major and why you want to study that major in the AD campus.

Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Please tell me more about the scenario regarding how you found the $20. I need to know if you were walking the class hallways, if you were in the quadrangle where some classes were being held, or in some other area where lessons are taught amidst heavy foot traffic. Tell me as much as you about what happened. Don't omit details. I will see if I can help you develop the opening paragraph instead. I know it is hard to do because of your language limitation so I will do my best to help you formulate it instead. Do you think you can work with me on this paper that way? I'm more than happy to help you develop a more relevant paragraph. I just need your cooperation to do so. I will await the additional information so that I can send you a sample of how to fix the problem paragraph.

Undergraduate / AN HOMELESS PERSON INFLUENCED ME. PRINCETON ESSAY [5]

Barry, your story is confusing. The prompt is asking you to talk about one person who influenced you. Not two. So if you feel the homeless man was the one who really influenced your desire to learn about computers, do not discuss your neighbors anymore. You actually have two different kind of influences going on in this essay. So you have to pick one and develop that for the discussion. Either you discuss how your interest in computers developed and evolved because of the influence of your neighbor, or you discuss how the influence of a hopeless person made you a more caring, civic minded, and hopeful person. You can't discuss both. It will divide the attention of the reviewer and thus, make him confused about the point of the story. Pick the story that you feel best fits the prompt and develop that into a narrative essay response.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

Mualla, my apologies if I accidentally insulted you when it came to the difference between the two terms. That was not my intention. I hope you won't take it against me. It is just that most females I know who are big into the feminist cause are usually so familiar with the terms, I beg them to stop telling me about it. Hahaha! Mostly because the discussion ends up in group debates where at the end of the night, the friends go home miffed, but still friends somehow.

I would like you to try a new opening paragraph for your essay. This is for your consideration and use if you wish to do so:

Having grown up in a rigid Muslim environment where the movement and rights of women are controlled by the men, I grew up rebelling against the system. Mostly because I felt that as a women, I should have rights as well. I never knew the meaning of feminist rights and the feminist cause until I began doing research for colleges. At Barnard, I hope to blossom as a feminist and come into my own identity under the feminist cause based upon the college's desire to promote female activism. This is a cause that I must learn about if I am to return to my home country and make a change for the women there. The education I will receive ...

Now, for the final statement, don't say math and science are underrepresented by women because that may not be the case in all countries. Be specific say it is under represented in your country and you hope to change that. Then end the essay. I think we can finalize the content then.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

Not a bad start for a beefed up paragraph. Keep working on it and let me know when it is ready to be reviewed. I think you are getting to the point where the essay can be considered to be in its final phase of editing. As an fyi, do not confuse women's causes with women's success. Those are two different things. Women's causes are related to women's rights. I am amazed that you are not familiar with the term since you are a big defender of women's rights in your country. If you want to fully understand how women's rights and women's causes are related, look it up using a simple search. Doing that research just might help you to develop a better response to the essay. Work some of the issues and solutions into you essay if you can.

Graduate / The road I chose. SOP Review for PhD Computer Science with Specialization in Artificial Intelligence [4]

Raymond you need to focus the essay on more relevant information pertaining to your background in AI. For starters, your educational summary, summary not narrative, should pick up from the mention of your college degree then your masters degree information. At this point, your college degree and masters degree information are not as relevant as you think it is. Mostly because you are expected to already have proper professional, not amateur nor academic research, experience. That is because your PhD should directly reflect a continuation of your masters degree thesis and a desire to produce a specific type of research while you are a student at NTU. We need the dissertation proposal summary presented in the essay. If you notice, you did not really present that information in this version. While your college awards are notable, these should not take up a single paragraph. It should only be summarized information because it is old information that does not reflect anything more about your abilities to succeed as a PhD student. That is what the masters degree discussion is for. Finally, you need to better develop the discussion as to how and why NTU is your university of choice. Presenting the reasons that you feel you can accomplish more as a student at this university and also, how the university can help you achieve your research goals or career plans will make for a strong closing statement to the essay.

Undergraduate / As an American Muslim, I love immersing myself into conversations. [5]

Mualla, if there is nothing else that you want to add to the information in your statement then, I can suggest that you go right ahead and use the essay. It is already complete and, I feel that it best represents your ideas for "Why Tufts?" It is short, informative, and allows the reviewer to get to the point of your response in a manner that saves him time and effort when it comes to reading your essay. I specially like the opening statement that gives the universities that you have considered different personalities. It shows that you don't just consider the academic capabilities of a university, but their overall ability to deliver a well rounded, diversified, and accurate education as you require them to. By the way, go ahead and use the Doing School essay that you developed. I accidentally closed the window on that so rather than searching for it again, I am letting you know that the essay is in its final form here. Good luck with all your applications!

Undergraduate / Paideia - the complete education of mind, body and spirit. Contribution to the Reed community [5]

Batjin, why don't you do the opposite during Paideia week? You can still watch the movie, The Martian, but, since the movie has already been Scienced out in discussion by Neil De Grasse Tyson and other scientists, why not look for the flaws in the movie and discuss it instead? That sounds like it would be more fun than actually looking for the science in the movie. Doing that would also open the movie to non-scientific minds of people who are observant and may notice some flaws in the movie that may or may not be connected to science? The connection with Paideia will be that just because a movie seems scientifically accurate, does not mean that it is 100 % accurate. Such an essay presentation will make the topic you chose more interesting and allow for a wider discussion and / or debate after the movie viewing.

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay - for the Artificially Intelligent [5]

Yes, this definitely speaks to your interests on a better scale than the first version. Consider that you have thoroughly explained your futuristic idea and how Cornell can help you achieve that. I would just like you to consider editing one part of this essay. The portion in the 4th paragraph about how Cornell has won awards and the mention of the world class education isn't really necessary. The reviewer is well aware of these types of information. So it just takes away precious word count from the full development of your essay. Remove the paragraph since it does not serve a purpose in advancing your discussion. You can replace it with some other information if you wish. It is not really necessary to do so though.

Undergraduate / The one particular friend. College Essay for Virginia Tech. [3]

Ryan, your essay deviated in focus from the prompt towards the end. The discussion is about you and a superpower that you would want to have and why. So the story of the essay should be something imaginative and relevant to your real life. It should not be about someone else and how you would use that power for that person. The focus of the essay has to be on you and no one else. This is a reflective essay based on your wish to change something in your life or in society. For example, if I could have a super power, I would want to have the power to turn back time. I have made some mistakes in my past that, in hindsight, I would like to change now because of the aftermath of those decisions. So, if you are like Barry Allen in The Flash and you have the ability to run back in time, I bet you would do it. You would change the past to alter your future. That is the sort of essay response that you should be thinking about. Think about the most outrageous power that you can dream up and explain why you would want that power. How does it affect you as a person to have such special powers? Discuss from that point of view.

Undergraduate / "How have you Improved the Life of others" MIT prompt. [4]

Abishek, you have chosen a topic that is so broad in coverage that you were unable to respond to the final part of the prompt throughout your written work. Nowhere in this touching essay was there an indication of how you helped to improve the life of others in your community. You are reaching for Mars when you should be reaching for the moon. You indirectly being asked to represent a discussion regarding your volunteer activities that have helped those in your community. As a boy scout, you have probably have had the opportunity to make changes or touch the lives of your community members through civic service. Please write something about that. This topic is not really applicable to such a simple essay statement. Remember, you need to have made a difference in the lives of the people you helped. So choose the most memorable one that you can remember, other than this one. Make sure it is simple enough to matter though.

Scholarship / I want to show my values and make my essay better! [Global UGRAD Program] [4]

Yes. That is exactly what you have to do in order to develop a more relevant response to the prompt. Make sure to revise the essay according to the suggestions so that you will not have to try to figure out what to change, what to keep, and how to revise certain points. I already gave you instructions for the revision. All you have to do is apply it. Remember. talk to the reviewer as if he is in front of you. So be clear and to the point. The flowery words are not necessary. This is one time that you need to just be understood instead of making the reviewer jump through hoops to figure out what you have to say. I am looking forward to the changes that you will be making. I am eager to review your essay. Hopefully it will be ready to use after this edit.

Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Andy, if you still want to keep the version that you have then go ahead and do that. I am not here to change the voice of your essay. You need to make sure that your personality is reflected in the essay. So always go with your gut feeling when it comes to using certain parts of your essay. Even if I don't agree with you, it is what makes you comfortable with the essay content that counts the most. I guess there is only so much humor that can be injected into this essay. However, I still feel that you need to develop the part about how you came to the decision to just blurt out the question in some way. That is after all, the launching pad of the whole discussion. So if you can, try to develop something for it. Otherwise, you can make do with what you've got.

Undergraduate / Cornell engineering essay - my contributions to the engineering field [4]

Yes, I really believe that only some slight adjustments and developments are necessary to make the essay more interesting and prompt relevant. The essay has some very strong points to present. It just needs to be done in a better manner in order to gain you more chances of strengthening the essay so that the reviewer will be more interested in what you have to say. I am actually looking forward to reading your revision because I know that it will be ready to use upon the application of my suggestions. I hope that you can revise it soon and post it here for final review. You don't have to add anything more to the essay. It is going to be more than qualified as a prompt response once you have applied the suggestions I made above.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

Mualla, I feel like we need to add another paragraph that will focus solely on Barnard and the reasons why it is a good match for you. The essay has so many parallelisms that I fear the comparisons will be the attention calling element of the essay instead of the reasons that it is a better match for you. Can you develop another paragraph for a proper conclusion? One that circles back and reiterates the strongest possible reason that really has you saying that Barnard will be a good match for you? Go beyond the STEM discussion. Try to find something along the lines of a woman's cause that you can identify with and support as an advocacy while you study at the university. I think that will work well to conclude the essay.

Undergraduate / Tech's motto is Progress and Service. What is your role in your family? Max 150 [4]

Zhao, if you want to still use the original essay, you can call yourself the "tie that binds the family together" or "The great family organizer". You only need an interesting title to call yourself to serve as the hook for the essay that you wrote. However, creating a title for you in the family will require you to create a new opening statement that can accurately explain why you call yourself this as a lead into the description of the family life that you have. That way, you will have a connecting paragraph that seamlessly connects the example with the explanation.

You can also write about your extended family based upon your volunteer experience. However, I am not sure about what information you plan to present in it so I would need to read the draft of the essay before I can decide if it will be useful and more helpful to your application than the first essay.

Essays / Which option should I go with? [6]

Sorry, I am only allowed to delete anything myself. I can only post on the thread as well. You will have to contact the admin in order to get them to delete the specific section. Don't worry about it for now. Just post a new thread. The admin will know to delete the second posting in this thread because they are constantly monitoring the site anyway. Please be patient with me as I try to catch up. I think I still have one or two essays from you pending in my list. I am working feverishly to catch up. Please post the revised essay as soon as you can so that I can finalize that one for you and hopefully, help you relax a little bit. Try to just breathe and relax. You won't get far by panicking. I am here to help you and support you. So you will get through this deadline with a companion. Just breathe.

Undergraduate / Beyond rankings, location, athletics, why Georgia Tech? Why Gatech? [8]

Benny, please consider removing the reference to the Japanese club. From the way I read the essay now, the club is an extra curricular activity that does not tie in directly with the academic nature of your interest. More importantly, it raises the question, "Why study about Japanese culture in the U.S?" Somehow the inclusion doesn't make sense at this point. I think it would be better if you just focus on the actual organizations, clubs, and areas of study that relate directly to your major or field of interest so that the response is more focused on what you can actually take away from GAtech that relates to something tangible and useful to you in terms of your future career.