Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

This is a good study plan. However, you really need to work on your problems with capitalizing the proper nouns. Always capitalize the name of a person, place, or thing. In this instance, you also need to capitalize the pronoun "I" in reference to yourself. So capitalize the words "Korea" and "English". Your presentation of the capitalized nouns are not consistent in your essay. Which shows haphazard writing and comes across as disrespectful to the reader. These are all basic rules of grammar writing that should have been applied to your essay even in its draft stages.

There is also the problem of you using the the word "and" at the start of your sentences. That is a direct violation of written grammar rules as the word "and" cannot be used to start a sentence since it is a conjunction. A word that is used to connect words or a thought process. Since you are starting a new sentence, it is not connecting any word or thought and as such, should not be used to start a new sentence. Did you see how I used the word "and" to connect 2 thoughts in the previous sentence? That is an example of how to use "and" properly in a sentence.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Pros and Cons of "Letter grading" v/s "Pass- Fail" [4]

Kaur, the prompt for the CBEST must be properly presented at the start of your essay so that you can receive a proper analysis and scoring for your work from me. You cannot just post the end of the prompt and expect to be properly scored on your work as the elements that need to be represented in the discussion are not known to me, as a reviewer. Therefore, the score for your test will be held back on my end, until you have posted the complete prompt. For now, I will offer you a general statement on the problems with your writing style. Not the content, because of the lack of prompt requirement.

While you did write an impressive number of words in your essay and showed a clarity of thought, almost properly developed sentences, developed discussion, and almost grammar problem free writing, you did not present the essay in an acceptable format. Just as with any other essay, the CBEST essay still follows the 5 paragraph format which includes an introduction, 3 paragraph bodies, and a conclusion. You will need to learn to separate your thought process into acceptable paragraphs in your next practice test in order to fulfill the format requirement.

Scholarship / What are your plans when you finish your studies - essay for Master Degree in TESOL [10]

Rather than telling the reviewer about the shortcomings of Kediri, you should be explaining how you will be using your newly gained knowledge about how to teach English at the university. Signify your plans to help develop the English teaching standards at the university due to the potential of the students. Don't make Kediri sound like a hopeless place as you do at the moment. Focus on knowledge sharing between you, the students, and the other teachers as part of your post study plan. Then explain that you want to do this because of the untapped potential that the people of Kediri have to learn English as a second language. It is not necessary to tell the reviewer that the quality of English education there is not as good as the other cities or areas. That is not his concern. His main concern is focused on your post study plans alone. So the response should focus only on the points that I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.

Scholarship / National Talent Search Examination - Experience of Lifetime - NTU Scholarship [5]

Aayush, this is a very interesting essay because the reviewer will not be familiar with this merit system for academics in India. Therefore, the way that you tell the story of the accomplishment will serve to build your academic image with the reviewer. However, aside from telling the reviewer about your GPA, why don't you also tell him about any apprehensions that you had prior to taking the NTSE? That way, you come across as a typical student worried about his academic accomplishments and his ability to perform well in such an important test. It is important to show that due to your apprehensions about your possible performance on the exam, the results were of particular interest to you on a personal level. That way, you show the reviewer that you had 2 lessons to learn from this experience. A personal and a public lesson in importance. The essay has the potential to become better if you add the information I suggested. You might need to revise a portion of the essay to make it work but I assure you, it will be worth the editing trouble.

Undergraduate / Alzheimer's unit. Guidance needed in editing peace corps motivation statement [6]

The only part of this essay that needs more development is the first paragraph. In my opinion, you need to explain how you ended up in this particular unit of the hospital. You were only 14 at the time so where did the motivation to help at the hospital come from? We need to lay the foundation for your interest in community service from the very start. You can start off the essay by explaining how you first came to be interested in community service and how this motivated you to make this a way of life for you. The presentation of the rest of the essay is engaging and delivers the requirements of the prompt to a good degree. However, you have some grammar errors in the essay such as saying "they" then suddenly shifting to "he, him". So you have both a plural and then singular presentation in the same paragraph, describing a single incident. Change all references to the singular in order to fix the grammar problem. We can look into revising any other problems that arise from your revised essay statement later on.

Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

Well, since you know what you are getting into, I wish you the best. It is not my place to ask why. As long as the program will work for your intentions then go for it. However, before you go for it you will need to expand the research though. Thoroughly explain why your research will work best if you study the effects of 19th century politics on literature in Korea. This has nothing to do with my previous statement about your application. It is all because normally, this would be done in a country that is the heart of literature like the UK or The U.S.A. so for the sake of the reviewer, you need to justify how Korea can offer you an opportunity to do this intensive research within their educational system that the other English speaking countries cannot. Your study plan really needs to be more detailed.

No worries about your post study plan though. That is exactly what the reviewer wants to read. However, the goal of your study and how you plan to do the research really needs more representation. I believe you have about 2 pages for this essay right? I suggest you use as much of the page allotment as you can to create a stronger presentation.

By the way, I know this is a draft copy but, when you work on your revisions, please make sure that you spell the words properly and that you follow all the grammar rules in writing. You have a few problem points that can be dealt with later on. Once the content of your essay is finalized.

Scholarship / The Reasons Of Study Preferences - I chose the Journalism Department [12]

That depends upon how many words you are allowed to write. Remember, you have to be brief in your representation so you should not write more than 100 to 200 words at the most. I am assuming that this is just one of a series of essays that you need to write for your application right? Therefore, a simple and straightforward response will be best. You strengthen the paragraph, describe the kind of writer you want to become as a journalist. Will you be a beat reporter? A correspondent? A contributor, an opinion writer, an editorial writer... what kind of journalist do you hope to become? Pick one kind of reporter and develop an explanation of why you want to become a representative of that kind of writer. Offer 100 words per paragraph. That will be brief enough to describe your response to the two questions provided to you.

Scholarship / The Reasons Of Study Preferences - I chose the Journalism Department [12]

In the first paragraph remove the line that says "Because I..." in an academically developed response, the word "Because" cannot be used to start a sentence. While you can do that in informal writing, you need to follow the grammar writing rules when writing application responses. Removing that line will not affect the information in the paragraph. It will instead, strengthen the paragraph because you focused immediately on the personal reasons for your interest.

In the second paragraph, you have to capitalize the names of the organizations that you joined because those are proper nouns. You have to capitalize the word "U.S. Embassy " as well because that is the formal title of a place of residence or government office. If you insist on mentioning that you are a published author, you need to specify the title of your book(s), date(s) of publication, and publishing house. That is because the reviewer might wish to confirm that you are telling the truth about your writing experience by looking up your supposed published books. Doing so and having confirmation of your publication(s) may just be what is required to make your statement more notable in the eyes of the reviewer. One or two of your published works, the ones that you feel best reflect your writing ability, would be the best to present in the statement.

Scholarship / NASA Ames Space Settlement Contest - Experience of a lifetime - NTU scholarship [2]

Srishti, here the thing, the contest is still ongoing and you are not the one who came up with the bright idea about how to resolve the problem your group was facing in delivering the contest requirements. So I do not think this is the best experience of a lifetime that you can present. Aside from that reason, you also did not explain the background story behind your interest in the contest. You did not lay the foundation for your interest in space science which led to your interest in the contest. Therefore, the essay does not completely introduce that aspect of your academic interests to the reviewer.

Personally, I believe that you should find a more self reflective essay that shows a deeper lesson that you learned which you then applied to the betterment of your character on a daily basis. Since the topic is open, you can use a simple story for the essay. What is important is that you reflect the memorable experience that you had. It has to be a complete experience, not an ongoing one. If you use an ongoing experience, then it cannot be considered the experience of a lifetime because you are still currently undergoing a process that has yet to make it a fulfilled, lifetime experience.

Scholarship / My advantage of smooth communication and collaboration. Chevening Leadership & Influence Question [6]

Taekeun, the leadership essay of a Chevening application is one of the most important essays related to the application that you will be writing. It must contain clear leadership abilities, honed over time, involves meaningful / insightful leadership opportunities, and truly displays the ability of a person to take charge of a difficult situation, investigate the problem, develop a solution, and delegate the problem solving tasks successfully. You are not being asked to define what leadership means to you. The essay is meant to have you define what leadership means to you based upon your ability to resolve a serious situation. The theme that should be reflected in your essay is "leadership by example."

That said, the presentation of your essay is too light. It does not portray you in a leadership position. You clearly are a very good subordinate. You know how to follow orders and accomplish tasks. However, being a good subordinate does not mean you will make for a very good leader. Therefore, you need to find an experience in your past, or within an extra curricular activity where you were truly able to take up the leadership mantle, handle your team members, and see a project through to its realization.

It seems like you might be able to use the information in this essay, if you will be able to better reflect your leadership role by mentioning that while you are a subordinate in your agency, you also perform lower level leadership skills through the coordination of information and create a more serious representation of your role, you might be able to use some parts of this essay in relation to your job description, to complete the essay requirements.

The way that you handle your team members will be critical in the leadership presentation because that will be the point in the essay where you will reflect your ability to influence people and gather your team members who have opposing ideas and have them work in a united manner. None of these elements that I mentioned exist in this current presentation.

Your current presentation is more of a personal statement instead of a leadership essay. So , in my opinion, you will need to set this particular essay aside for future use and write a new essay that better reflects the requirements of the scholarship grant. That is, if you have some better representation of your leadership abilities other than what you have in this essay. I have explained to you how to properly develop a response. You just have to make sure to write an essay that reflects the suggestions.

Graduate / To make India independent of fossil fuels; Motivational letter for Masters in Renewable Energy [5]

Malika, your letter doesn't really work very well because you have presented too much information in it. a motivational letter should not include an intensive description of your academic background and work experience. It should only reflect the motivation stemming from a problem that you see in your country that is related to your field of work that you hope to help solve through additional education and training on your part. So the motivational letter should discuss the problem and why you want to resolve the problem. You should not include a 5 year career plan in this letter. Instead, you should convince the reviewer about why you decided to choose to enroll at their university. Explain why you feel that an education from this institution will best prepare you for the next phase of your career.

So basically, you need to only present 3 things in this letter:
1. The reason behind your desire to enroll in this course (Problem the country is facing or career challenge you hope to overcome.)
2. How your interest in this problem developed within your profession (Do not include educational information.)
3. Why you chose this university (Base the reason on the curriculum, training, network development offered by the university) and how you hope the university can help you better prepare for your future in this field.

Save the other information in this letter for your post study plans and statement of purpose along with your study goals. These information will still come in handy during the application process.

Writing Feedback / To purchase either a house or a business is the question [8]

Hi Norah, don't worry about it. We are happy that you are practicing here and you value the advice we give you. Can you tell us what kind of English test you plan to take in the future? In order to make sure you can pass that test, you should write essays that have topics based on the type of test that you will be taking. You will also be able to read the work of the other test takers here and learn from the advice given to them. That is how you can slowly, but surely, improve your writing skills. You have to focus on two things at the start. First, make sure that you understand the topic for discussion. Second, practice your paraphrasing of the topic and instructions. These are all in the first paragraph of the essay. Once you can properly develop the first paragraph, you will be able to easily write the rest of the essay. Again,it would be best if we knew what exam you are preparing for. Also, you should read the other sample essays of the students here so that you have a reference regarding how to best develop your response essays.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - A requirement to get a Letter of Acceptance from University [4]

Bagu, I apologize if I did not make myself clear enough for you. The dash sign signifies a continued series of numbers. It is commonly used in everyday English language. So when I said "paragraphs 2-5", I meant to say use "paragraphs 2 up to 5", or "paragraphs 2 to 5", or "use paragraphs 2, 3, 4, and 5". Those are the various interpretations of the meaning behind the reference to "paragraphs 2-5." The meaning remains the same regardless of how it is presented. The best parts to use for the revision of your essay are the paragraphs that start at paragraph 2 and continues up to paragraph 5. When you revise paragraph five, do not use the term "I think". Instead say "I believe" so that there is a sense of conviction and passion in your desire to attend the university.

Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

Amel, I am not sure that you are applying for the right scholarship program. Do you know that one of the requirements of this program is that you have to be fluent in speaking the Korean language Hangul? It will be taught to you over the span of one year, covering the first part of the 3 year scholarship program. There is a logical disconnection in the process because you are an English major, who is looking to gain a masters degree in English Literature by applying for a scholarship to a Korean University. The KGSP program require the students to prove Korean language proficiency via the TOPIK test. So I am not really convinced that this is the right scholarship for an English masters degree student. You will also have to spend a number of years in Korea after graduation practicing what you have learned before you can return to your home country.

So, while you may be able to enroll in a relevant masters program, your idea of becoming a proficient English teacher will not be fulfilled in the best manner because you will not be learning how to improve your English language skills. That is due to the fact that you will be surrounded by Korean culture, society, traditions, and language. So your expectations regarding your mastery of the English language, culture, and literature will be under served by studying in Korea.

Please reconsider your application. I do not believe that this is the right program for you to apply to because your masters degree intention is highly English language based and English language intensive. As such, it will be best served by a scholarship program based either in the UK, Australia, Canada, America, and any other English language based educational system country because the scholarships offered by those countries are English language based and will better suit your study goals and objectives.

Scholarship / My idea is about making SAMSUNG the only leading company in Africa [10]

In paragraph 3, remove the reference to your adolescence and present the information about your desire to work for Samsung instead. Since you are expected to live in Korea for a few years after graduation, explain why working for Samsung will help you further develop your practical and theoretical skills. Next, do not use the story from your grandfather to justify your desire to study in Korea. His sentiment does not apply to the current Korean society. What we are looking for here is a personal reason, based on your knowledge of Korean culture, tradition, or in relation to your interest in developing your workplace skills. The discussion about Samsung would be the best representative of that dialogue. Just expand as best as you can on the idea that you were attracted to study in Korea because of the possibility of working for Samsung. Do not over discuss that topic though because you will need to present the more detailed discussion of that in the post study plan essay. An overview or summary will be enough.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

Since data mining is all about gathering public information from unknown people, it is important that the mining programs know how to detect when an automated robot has set up the account in order to spam people, spread viruses, and the like. So the topic regarding detecting fake accounts will revolve around how the data program will be developed in order to properly detect parameters related to robot account creation. Those are the "fake" accounts that need to be sorted through and removed from the database so that the data mining system can efficiently perform its task. You will need to do the research about how this can be done and what the benefits are for the data mining companies when they are able to do so. If that is the topic you want to write about, then research its background and related developments.

Undergraduate / Alzheimer's unit. Guidance needed in editing peace corps motivation statement [6]

Mimi, as a peace corps volunteer, you need to be able to show an attitude of selflessness and ability to adjust to difficult times. The times that you depict in the essay do not work for this purpose because of one main consideration. You know that you are only staying there for a few days or a few weeks then you are going home. As a peace corps volunteer, you will be staying in the most inhumane conditions for 2 years, with little to no money to help sustain you during this period. Your essay does not show that you are physically, morally, and psychologically prepared for the challenges ahead. Working in an Alzeihmer's unit for a few months does not qualify because you were only 14 and were not allowed direct patient interaction. The weakness of your essay lies in your lack of relevant background. This essay will not pass because there is nothing in the essay that clearly depicts that you know what you are getting yourself into and that this is precisely the situation that pushed you to join the Peace Corps.

My advice is this, read up on the experiences of other people who have joined the Peace Corps previously. Then compare their experience with yours. Get some ideas about you can improve your presentation or if you have something similar in your background that you can present to help increase your chances for consideration. Don't use this essay. It will not work for your application at all. Write a totally new, more relevant, and applicable essay. That is the only way to fix the problem of your current essay.

Research Papers / Speaking, reading and writing in a second language has many benefits [3]

Cynthia, you have to consider developing a better thesis statement for this research paper. The thesis statement should clearly present the main topic or problem for discussion, then accurately outline the types of discussion that you will be presenting in the succeeding paragraphs. Since this is a formal research paper, you are expected to follow a formal outline for the presentation. If specified by your professor, you must also follow the outline format of presentation in your actual paper by using the headings and sub-headings as titles in the main body of the paper. That way the reader knows when you are changing the topic and that this is the expected progression of your discussion. It also makes it easier for the reader to pick up where they left off if there is a need for them to stop reading your paper for a while. Right now, the essay is hard to follow because of the length and lack of informative sub-headings that could have helped organize the presentation of the paper. If the professor does not require the sub headings in the formal research, ask if you can use it based upon the length and number of discussion topics that you present in your essay.

Please make sure that you reference the sources of your information in the essay either through in-text citations or actual quotes. You have a number of sources listed so those should be clearly represented in the paper. At the moment, the essay delivers the idea that all of the information just comes from you. Your list of sources tells the professor otherwise. So you need to tell the professor which parts of your essay came from these sources otherwise he will consider the whole paper plagiarized and you will automatically fail the course.

Overall, the topic you chose to discuss is interesting. It is relevant in today's educational and business world. It argues effectively for the modernization of the American teaching system. Finally, it shows the future of the world based upon the need to speak at least 2 languages early on in life. I am sure you will do well with this paper once you fix the presentation and also organize the topic discussions into relevant sections. The first half of the essay should be all about the educational system, the second half should discuss the bilingual requirement in businesses, the third half, should represent the possible solutions to the problem, then the final part, should offer a far more convincing closing argument based upon your earlier presentation. The current one that you have can use some improvements based upon your researched content.

Writing Feedback / In industrial society nowadays, many children are suffering from obesity and it is a serious problem [5]

An example of the proper opening statement for this discussion would be:

The current lifestyle of the present generation of youngsters have led to an increase in obesity. This is a worldwide health problem that has been caused by a number of controllable reasons. In this essay, I will discuss the obesity problem along with its causes. Finally, I will also offer possible solutions to help solve the worldwide obesity problem of the youth.

I have to apologize but I cannot give you my email address. We have strict privacy rules at this forum and publicly sharing our email address in the discussion boards is not allowed. I am always available to assist you through this forum anyway. I am online almost 24.7 so if you need to ask a question or clarification, you are sure to get a response from me within the day. Just remember to write my name at the beginning of the thread so that I will know that you require my attention immediately.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - A requirement to get a Letter of Acceptance from University [4]

Bagu, the first thing I need to know is, did the university give you a series of questions to guide you in writing your personal statement? If so, then please share the questions here so that I can compare it with your written work. If the university did not give you any questions to respond to, then it will be an open topic personal statement and the relevance of the information will depend upon you.

It would be best if you base the content of your personal statement on your ideas for your future career. Summarize your current work experience and how your experiences have led you to the door of this particular university in an effort to gain a masters degree. Talk about a research project or a professor at the university whose work has interested you. Present information about why you think that studying at their university is the only option for you. Make sure that you let them know that you have considered your options, based upon your previous academic and work experience which will match well with their student requirements.

Remember, the masters degree course is all about your future. So your discussion should not dwell on the past, nor focus too much on your present. Your personal statement should be forward thinking and allow the reviewer to get to know the kind of passionate student that you can be at their university. Be as personal as you can be in the presentation of your information in order to create a passionate plea for your admission.

My suggestion is that you revise paragraphs 2-5 in order to become less generic sounding and more personal specific by connecting the aforementioned information with your desire to attend this university. Paragraphs 2 - 5 are very good starting points in this current essay. You just need to further develop the content to be university specific.

Writing Feedback / In industrial society nowadays, many children are suffering from obesity and it is a serious problem [5]

To, for starters, you do not properly represent the requirements for the opening statement. You are required to present at least 3 sentences that will compose the outline of the essay discussion. You were not able to accomplish that task. Aside from that, the outline of your opening statement needs more work. You are supposed to present the problem, indicate that you agree that this is a serious problem, then indicate that you will be suggesting possible solutions to the problem.

With regards to paragraph 2, there is a prompt deviation in the sense that you are discussing the possible outcomes of being overweight. While your discussion about having heart ailments and similar discussions apply to the prompt, you need not have presented mental illnesses and problem with communicating with others. Those are not usually associated with obesity and therefore, do not need to be presented in the essay. Assuming such factors would require you to create a longer, evidence based discussion when the essay should only be based on commonly known information regarding obesity and the possible solutions for it.

Paragraph 3 has an inconsistency. What you should have said was "Parents should not be indifferent to their children's weight gain and should encourage them to exercise once they begin to gain unreasonable weight." The current sentence that you have is very confusing and does not make sense. It causes undue stress on the reader and will lower your final score in terms of grammatical accuracy.

All of the problems that you essay faces have led it to create an ill effective conclusion that did not properly close the essay because it failed to follow the format requirements for an IELTS Task 2 Writing Test.

Undergraduate / Describe an exceptional achievement and lesson learned in your academic experience. [4]

Alex, I hope that you read the prompt before you wrote the essay because your response did not properly address the prompt required by the university at all. It is almost as if you did not understand what information the university requires you to present to the reviewer as part of your application. There is no exceptional achievement being presented by you in the essay. There are no lessons learned either. The two topics go hand in hand. You are to discuss an achievement and the difficulties that you encountered before you succeeded in this undertaking. So you need to think of an achievement - an honor or recognition that you received from your university or during high school that was difficult for you to accomplish, and yet you managed to deliver on it. Discuss the achievement and what you learned by confronting the difficulties of completing your task.

Right now, what you have is a pointless personal statement. Pointless because it is not capable of delivering the correct response to the prompt and you cannot even revise it to make it more prompt adherent. Needless to say, you will have to write a totally new essay. One that really presents your accomplishment and the lessons you learned from the experience.

Writing Feedback / People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. Causes and proposed solutions. [3]

Yully-Anne, kindly post the complete, original IELTS task prompt that you are being asked to respond to in order for me to deliver a more accurate review of your work. I cannot deliver the scores for the individual band criteria unless I know exactly you are being expected to deliver the discussion of the topic. What you supplied is incomplete. It is also a violation of the forum rules because you did not come up with an original or interesting title for your essay. You cannot use the prompt topic for the title. Please remember not to violate that rule again because the other students here have found themselves suspended for such a violation. Now, let me offer you a general review of your essay.

The grammar seems to be acceptable. While there are sentence structure problems these did not deviate from your paragraph message. You have capitalization issues strewn throughout your essay. Meaning, you capitalize words such as "law enforcement" and "domestic violence", which are not proper nouns nor titles and are located within the middle of a sentence so these should not be capitalized in the presentation.

Your paragraphs run too long as well. You do not need to keep talking in an IELTS essay. You can present one or two problems and the solutions proposed instead. That way you are able to properly explain yourself and also fully develop the explanation in English for the examiner to consider. The score is not based on the length of the essay but rather, the quality of the content and proper grammar usage skills.

Writing Feedback / Why it is important to solve the homeless problem? [6]

You may also want to include in-text citations or quotes, properly referenced in your essay so that you can deliver even more accurate information in your essay. Using quotes to help explain your point helps to clarify the message or the paragraph as well. Have you tried writing a research essay that way before? Normally the citations also show the professor that you did a deep research on the topic and the information is accurate and not based on hearsay. For example, when you refer to the New York Times, you can include the actual quote from the report. This adding accuracy and word count in your essay. Which will directly contribute to fulfilling the 3 page requirement as well. Consider the posts of your paper where you can apply these quotes, if you wish to. See if you will like the end result of your essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / Why it is important to solve the homeless problem? [6]

You should actually write a new introduction paragraph to add to the essay. Basically, you will adjust the paragraphs so that the current first paragraph will become the second paragraph instead. In every essay that you write, the most important presentation that you can make is the opening statement or introduction. That is the foundation for the whole essay. So if you don't write a good introduction, the whole essay may not turn out so well in terms of discussion for you. Such as in your case, you came up short with your writing right? That is because you have a weak opening statement. By strengthening that paragraph, you will be able to automatically expand upon and present various discussion topics in the succeeding paragraphs. You should offer more topics for discussion along with additional examples in order to create the most informative and understandable essay that you can.

Writing Feedback / Why it is important to solve the homeless problem? [6]

Sissoko, you can expand this essay if you can manage to properly introduce the topic for the essay that you are writing. You lack a clear thesis statement and outline of discussion / discussion overview in the opening statement. If you can write a full paragraph that explains the problem that you will be discussing in the essay, the reason why you feel that it is important to call attention to this problem, the areas for discussion that you will be presenting in the essay, the possible solutions to the problem, why you believe that these solutions are important in eradicating the problem, and your personal opinion on the matter leading up too your closing statement, you will be able to add more information for discussion that should more than help you fill an extra page to meet the 3 page requirement of your essay. You have presented a pretty good discussion as of now. There is just a need to add information in order to create a more informed essay that can help educate the reader.

You may find yourself editing the current content of your essay to better fit with the additional information you will be presenting. That is a necessary edit or revision to the current version because the additional data will help to create a clearer picture for your discussion and allow you to present more supporting information to create a sound opinion of the topic you were asked to discuss.

Essays / You are to start a new job next week but you will not be able to because you have some problems: [6]

Ahmad, the second half of your letter is confusing. There is a lack of information presentation separation in that portion because you presented two separate ideas in one sentence. Thus creating clutter and confusion in that aspect. The best way to have written the first part of your second paragraph would have been something like the following:

My current employer has requested that I extend my stay at the company for another month. That is so that they can hire my replacement, whom I am expected to train, before finally handing over my ongoing projects to him at the end of the month. As I am already familiar with my upcoming job requirements on your end, I am sure that there will not be a problem if we revise my starting date. I hope you will consider my request as I would not like to leave my current employer hanging with regards to the current project I am handling for them.

I assure you that you have my full loyalty and I am looking forward to starting with the company. I just need a little time to be able to tie up all the loose ends with my current employer.

Please note how the example presents the important messages separately so as not to confuse the reader. On another note, please make sure that you do not separate the lines when you are typing information. The two dates that you wrote should be found in a continuous line or paragraph. The second date should not be hanging that way as a separate presentation. I am hoping that was a system glitch that occurred when you pasted the letter here.

Graduate / Like potato chips - you can never have just one. SCAD Graduate Admissions Essay for Animation [4]

Colinda, one of the weak points of your essay in relation to the application requirements would be the lack of presentation regarding your qualifications for graduate study. You have to understand that as a graduate student, you need to have some sort of practical and / or professional work experience in terms of applying what you have studied. This creates the foundation for your study goals or intended focus. As you are just about to graduate, I am sure that you do not have any professional work experience yet. However, I am assuming that you have some sort of training programs or on the job training / internships mandated by your university for the students of this course. It is important that you reflect that information in the essay in order to deliver the required qualifications for graduate study. Earning a masters degree is not something that is usually done right after graduating from college. However, that is fast becoming a trend these days and the reviewers usually give some leeway by accepting notable training of the applicant acquired during his internships and similar training formats.

The next weak point is with regards to the focus of your intended study. While earning a masters degree may somewhat assure you of gaining employment in the future, you cannot use that as the intended focus for your desire to gain a masters degree. The best way to represent your intended focus would be to try and explain some sort of cutting edge animation procedure that you have imagined and hope to pioneer in the future. Hopefully as a Disney Imagineer. Try to be more detailed in your response by expanding upon the missing parts that I have pointed out.

Letters / Writing a pitch for discover magazine - would it be accepted by an editor? [8]

Definitely include your science background relevant to your article in order to create an authoritative pitch. If you can convince the editor that your background in relation to the article is something that is notable, they may want to verify it as part of the consideration process. So include verifiable information with your background information. Include the date in the article because you never know when they'll get around to considering your pitch at their meetings. The date will keep the article relevant in a way. The pitch is almost done save for the two minor revisions. The grammar is also acceptable because it retains a professional and respectful tone. The letter is almost ready. All that you have to do now is apply the corrections and additional information so you can use the letter already.

Letters / Writing a pitch for discover magazine - would it be accepted by an editor? [8]

Lissy, by the time the letter you sent to the editor, even it is by email, the event that you mentioned will be more than 3 weeks old. It is best to mention the complete and exact date of the incident. That is important because, should your article come up for consideration, the magazine will definitely vet your information to make sure that you are not just using alternative facts for your article. I am a bit worried about the background that you presented to the editor. It would seem that you do not have the actual background to impress the editorial team. I mean, you are just an ordinary writer. You don't have a background in biology, chemistry, or any field of science that could tell them you are somewhat of an authority or an actual authority on the information you will be reporting about. That is still the weakest point of your letter. Is there any chance that you can somehow relate some information from your background that will tell the reader that your credentials will make the readers view you as an authority in this case? The article sounds interesting to me, but I am not sure if the editors will feel the same way. Specially when they consider your professional background in relation to the article you are pitching. I guess we won't know till you submit your letter and get communication from Discovery Magazine.

Writing Feedback / A serious effort is the most important factor for a journey toward success [8]

Jan, the best way to practice sentence formation is to read more English based material. I do not mean articles written in English by your countrymen. What I mean is, you actually need to read English newspapers written by native speakers. So for American newspapers online, I suggest that you read the New York Observer, Lifezette, Time Magazine, National Geographic, and other online newspapers or magazines.The ones I mentioned are published in the United States and can be easily found online. These should help you become more familiar with the American way of writing and should help you develop your sentence structure skills and also become more familiar with idioms. If you want to practice using idioms and you want to learn the meaning, you can do a simple search for "American idioms", the results will lead you to websites that explain the most common ones and should help you to better understand the meaning behind the idiom so that you can use the most common ones properly next time.

Writing Feedback / To purchase either a house or a business is the question [8]

Norah, you have approached this essay as a casually written narrative rather than an academic piece. Regardless of what type of test you wrote this practice essay for, the fact that you decided to use such a relaxed form of writing creates a problem for this essay. For example, you use the term etc. and also an exclamation point in the essay. That is really disrespectful to the examiner and will result in a lower score in terms of grammar accuracy. Make sure to always keep the academic tone in your writing and do not write more than a 5 paragraph essay that is composed of 3-5 sentences each. The way you wrote this, it is almost as if you were just writing for an English class. Don't make these mistakes with your succeeding practice tests because if you get used to it, you will most likely do it in the actual test. Which can result in your failing the test you hoped to pass through these practice tests.

Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

Amel, please read the other KGSP scholarship example essays in this forum. Your essay is nowhere near the kind of quality that the KGSP committee will consider for a grant. It is too short, does not really contain detailed and relevant information of any kind, and sadly, does not impress the reader at all. It is almost as if you did not even try to impress the reader. You need to focus on the prompt requirements and the delivery of your essay. For your benefit, I will ask you to post the actual prompt requirements here. You sound like you are supposed to be writing a self introduction letter. The other parts of the essay that you mentioned, are separate essays that are written on an individual basis. Those are not bunched into just one essay. Each description that you gave corresponds to a specific essay requirement that follows a different format and set of guide questions. Do yourself a favor and allow us to help you develop a better essay. Post the prompt requirements here and I will tell you which parts of this essay you can use and how to develop it further in order to create a higher quality scholarship letter.

Scholarship / You are advised in your statement to define how your study plan relates to progress in your country [3]

Hussaina, while I understand the need to promote female empowerment in Nigeria, the course that you plan on taking does not relate to that topic. Therefore, you should not present that in the essay. The female empowerment issue is a side topic that does not relate to the kind of national or community project that can help your country, with regards to the masters degree course that you have selected to attend. The focus of this essay should be only on the relation of your masters degree to the project or development of a particular field in your country. Relate your post study plan to either a government promoted project or a community undertaking that can benefit from the expertise that you hope to gain during your studies. You cannot and should never, present such generalized plans for your career upon your return. You need to convince the reader that you have a solid plan that you can put into action and also, realize the importance of through visible results.

While this essay has some usable parts, I need to read the full prompt requirement for the essay in order to assess if you can add or remove any unnecessary information in your essay. I hope that you can post the full instructions along with your revised essay.

Essays / Tips on writing a solid comparative essay when my two novels don't have enough similarities? [7]

The very least thing that you can do is try. Provided that both the novels you chose to use for your comparative essay are part of the required reading list or suggested novels for the assignment, the teacher should not have a problem with the books that you chose to write about in the essay. Right now, you are worried over nothing. Stop worrying and start writing. That is the only way you can tell if you can replicate your previous writing or not. Let me ask you something, are you worried about this essay because you got an A in your previous work? If that is so, then don't worry, you probably have the innate talent to write killer essays. If you did not get an A and just want to bring your grades up, I suggest you write the essay then come back here with it (in a new thread) so we can help you better the content and writing style. The bottom line is that you have to start writing the essay in order to get over your nerves. You can do this. I for one will be here to help you get the essay to the point where you can be satisfied with your work. Don't worry for now. Just start writing.

Writing Feedback / What can arts tell us of life that science cannot? [6]

Truong, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt. The reference to art that is being made in the prompt is not about the effect of music and dance on people but rather, the way that life can be interpreted through art. The reference that the topic makes is to the arts in terms of paintings, drawings, sketches, collages, etc. The arts that talk about life, not the arts that fills life. So there is misdirection of the prompt in your discussion. The clue as to how to discuss the essay came from the fact that the prompt asks you to discuss "What can arts tell us of life that science cannot". This is a reference to the way that the aforementioned types of graphic art can help people learn about the way of life of bygone era, such as 18th century artwork, or the works of the great artists such as Van Gogh, and Monet. Their paintings depicted life in a way that science can never impart to people. This is actually a trick question that tests your ability to decipher keywords and the hidden meaning behind the prompts. This is a test of your analytical skill and cultural references. While your discussion was good, I do not feel that it properly addressed the prompt because you failed to recognize the real meaning behind the implied discussion.

Writing Feedback / What can arts tell us of life that science cannot? [6]

Truong, Ethan has given a very good piece of advice regarding how to post your essays here. Without the information required for the completion of the essay, we will not know where to begin reviewing your content and what kind of advice we can offer to help you improve your written skills. While your work seems to be well developed and logical, the lack of information about the demands of the essay topic leaves me wondering about how accurately you have responded to the prompt and whether you have represented all of the expected elements of the requirements. Kindly upload the necessary instruction and topic discussion as soon as you can so that I can do a better job of reviewing and advising you regarding the points for revision in your essay.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

Hi Reza, the dissertation topic that you will end up researching will have to be based upon what your interests in data mining would be. Would you like to concentrate on the social media aspect of data mining that uses keywords to direct advertising or advice third party users regarding the media trends and discussions? You can also do sentiment analysis or sarcasm detection using Twitter as the basis of your research. Since fake accounts and spam accounts are quite common in the field of social media, you could discuss how data mining can help detect the face or spam accounts. Marketing analysis could also be a good starting point because of the demographics involved in the targeted advertising being shown on the user pages. The list is actually as endless as the information that data mining can provide. The interesting topic for your dissertation however, will depend upon what your personal data mining interests are and how you think these can be actively used for the betterment of society in the future.

Scholarship / How would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the applicant? [6]

Messal, I hope I am not too late to share my advice with you regarding this letter of recommendation. Your referee should be writing about the current professional situation that you are facing in your field. This should relate to the reasons why he also feels that the training you will receive in Sweden will be something that you will benefit from because you cannot gain the same experience in your home country. Basically, he has to explain that the benefits you will receive from the training have a direct relationship with your line of work. Trained under the best people in Sweden, your learning will be valuable as you impart the shared knowledge to those you work with at your company. In other words, he should discuss the way that the scholarship is valuable due to the information sharing that will take place during and after you complete the course.

Writing Feedback / PTE essay: Is it foolish to get married before completing studies [7]

Ethan, please try to avoid rewriting the essay after you have been scored on it. You will not have a chance to submit a new essay once you have written one in the actual exam setting. The score for that will be final. No do-overs. So the same should apply to your practice tests. Once you fail in it, you fail. It should not be scored again because that will already be a fake score. Fake because you improved the essay based upon improvements suggested. You do not have that opportunity in the actual test. So, to help you, I will not score this test anymore because it is based upon the corrections that I suggested. What you have to do is this, take the lessons you learned from your mistakes in this essay and apply them to your future tests. You cannot keep writing the essay twice like I said because you do not have a chance to do that in the actual test. The practice test is meant to help you prepare for the actual exam setting. Therefore, the score you got for this practice test is final. Make sure to apply the lessons you learned from the mistakes in this essay in your next practice test.

The one thing that I will offer a correction on is the second sentence in your first paragraph. You made a statement by saying "I disagree with the notion" so it ends with a period. The next word should have been capitalized. That is a grammar issue that you should be conscious of.