Undergraduate / Young Hands - my childish enthusiasm at my very fingertips. Common App Personal Statement [3]

Anthea, I am not sure why you are discussing your musical inclination in this essay. How does this relate to your chosen major? Are you a music major? If so, then this is a very striking but ultimately very long background story. In order to make this essay more interesting to the reviewer, you need to cut it down to only the most important elements of your character development. This does not sound like a background story actually. It sounds more like you are just pondering thoughts regarding your musical inclination. It doesn't come across as a real character building essay. Rather than discussing your questions about why you could not play freely like the great composers, you should instead, highlight the fact that you managed to teach yourself piano playing starting from the age of 5. That is a more interesting note to learn about. How did you learn about music as such a young age? How did you teach yourself to play? What accomplishments did you gain from this talent from that age or older? I think you need to focus the essay more on your being a prodigy instead in relation to your development as a person. This can be the opening statement with an additional discussion before you present your experimentation discussion. The current introduction sounds more like you are just reflecting on what you feel is holding you back from musical success and does not really present a more engaging foundation for the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing t2 - Mobile telephones have brought many benefits but they have also had negatives [3]

Phuong, do you see the reason that you gave in the conclusion of your essay? You should not have wasted that statement by placing it there. It was very strong and impressive so it could have helped you increase your task accuracy score had you integrated that statement in your opening statement. In addition to that, the essay is asking you to consider mobile phone usage of people with regards to its positive and negative effects. However, you discussed the use of the mobile phone, not as a communication device, which is its primary use, but as a tablet or laptop computer. Which is more geared towards the social media setting. While mobile phones do help people use the internet, that is not the primary use of the phone. So your argument becomes clouded with doubt as it refers to social media usage instead of basic communication use. The next paragraph changed focus instead of continuing the discussion based on the previous examples given. So the essay loses focus and totally deviates from the prompt requirement. I doubt that you would score higher than a 3 in this instance.

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument task for a hobby shop at Grilldon [3]

Payal, another part of the report that was not indicated in the sampling is the type of hobby shop that was used for the profiling of the residents. If 88 percent of the population would support the entrance of a hobby shop, then the people must have a specific hobby in mind that they would enjoy supporting. Therefore, the overall sampling system for the survey was flawed. Since there is no hobby shop currently in existence in Grilldon, it stands to reason that the residents may not even be familiar with the services offered and functions of a hobby shop. Therefore, the report is inaccurate and based on questionable poll information.

That said, your current essay is also good in the sense that you ask the proper questions and you also defend your stance in a strong manner. This shows a clear understanding of the report and you use relevant reasons in your writing. It is my belief that based upon the given criteria for scoring a GRE argument task, this essay can score between a 4 and 5. I am not scoring the increments because I am not familiar with the minute considerations that the actual examiner will use in scoring your essay. I think you did a pretty good job here.

Research Papers / The different issues that illegal immigration has brought to America [2]

Kekoa, the topic you have chosen to discuss is quite broad in coverage while your synopsis or thesis statement is short. It lacks a representation of the discussion that is to come in the next paragraphs. Your discussion of the American dream is best suited as a part of the concluding discussion instead of an opening statement. The opening statement should provide an insight into the basis of your illegal immigration discussion. Therefore you have to tell the reader the following (in order of paragraph discussion) in the thesis statement.

1. The current point of view regarding illegal immigration.
2. The perceived causes
3. Suggested solutions
4. Your point of view of required by the research.

Please note that due to the length of your discussion, you may want to consider using sub-topics for it. That way you present a thoroughly researched discussion of each issue. That is , unless you want to narrow down the discussion to only important points. In which case, you should narrow down the field of discussion by choosing only one or two related topics to discuss.

Essays / Overthinking the subject line for memo? [2]

David, the "To" line in the memo cannot be addressed to whom it may concern. It should be addressed to a person, usually one who heads the department, with his position and department indicated under his name. So it should look like this:

To: David George
Department Head
Human Resources Department

The subject title should say something specific about the content of the memo because the information in the outline section of the memo must provide an overview of the content of the actual body of the memo. So your subject title must contain information such as :

Subject: Considering the Application of David George

Always make sure that the subject line will contain information that will tell the reader what to expect in the body of the letter. Don't make it generic. It has to sound formal and professional at all times.

Essays / Obesity and the Increasing Problem in the United States [3]

Kara, you need to develop your paper first in order for us to help you. We can best help you once you have a draft version of your paper. However, we can assist in strengthening your research paper from the very start by offering research points for your paper. That way you can at least develop a relevant thesis statement. Having assisted other students in the development and completion of their research paper on this very topic in the past, I can tell you the following:

1. Make sure that your information is not more than 5 years old and comes from reputable journals and research papers. Try to avoid using information from online resources unless the information comes from sites that end from .edu or .gov. These are the only academically acceptable internet sources as far as professors and teachers are concerned. Whatever you do, do not use use Wikipedia as a source. That is considered the worst source possible for any paper and will automatically garner you a low grade.

2. Narrow down the topic of obesity as an increasing problem in the U.S. The topic you have right now is too broad and will not allow you to focus on a targeted research paper. Find a specific topic that you can research instead. As long a the obesity problem you have chosen relates to a specific health problem in the country, the research paper should come out well researched and developed.

These are the suggestions I can give you for starters. I should be able to provide better information in relation to the draft version of your research paper. I look forward to reading it.

Scholarship / Home Benefit of Commonwealth Scholarship - Nigeria [7]

That depends. It could be more than a single paragraph depending upon the steps that are necessary to measure the achievement. For every step required in the process, there should be one achievement included at the end. Discussing each step in totality to represent the achievement will indicate a measurable type of success in your program implementation. That means, you will have to extend your discussion by a number of paragraphs. At the end of the presentation, you can conclude by saying that "The total measure of the success of the program comes when the results of the previous steps indicate a ..." or a variation of that statement. Tell you what, develop your measurable paragraph / statements, then post it here for review. That way I can tell you what works and what doesn't. If possible, we might even be able to combine some paragraphs to save on space and presentation time.

Scholarship / Intended Plan of study and the kind of job you plan to seek after return [3]

Knockout, when you write a Study Plan in relation to future job opportunities, you must first consider the national problems that your country is facing, the government policies and programs in place to help alleviate or solve the problem, then finally, the role that you can play through your relevant employment in bringing attention to the problem along with possible solutions you can enact. So the content of your essay should be as follows:

1. Thesis Statement - Focus on the national problem, which in this case is Poverty. Explain the related government policies and programs that relate to a possible solution to the problem. Explain the field of work that you are hoping to get into with an overview of how you hope to solve the problem.

2. Study Plan - What masters degree did you decide to enroll in? Explain how that relates to your idea of helping to alleviate the poverty problem in your country. Indicate why the university you have chosen has specific benefits towards the fulfillment of your plan.

3. Solution overview - Explain the relevance of the skill acquisition center to your proposed solution. Relate the solution to the importance of your study plan. Make sure that the importance of your study plan is reiterated.

4. Job Plan - Discuss how your choice of job will directly assist you in implementing your probable solutions. Indicate the length of time that you will probably need before you get the opportunity to build your skills acquisition center.

5. Conclusion - Summarize the paper with the repetition that you look forward to attending the university under the masters program and that you are excited about seeing your plans come to life with their help.

Essays / I have this task to do, and it asks me for the Thesis of the source text?? ideas Any comment is (y) [5]

Taij, that is correct. You have to make sure that you thoroughly understand the article before you start working on it though. I suggest that you read through the article around 6 times. Writing notes with each read so that you are sure that you have not missed any crucial points of the argument that should be presented in your response paper. In the thesis statement, do not offer any examples or quotes from within the article. Save those for the 2nd -4th paragraphs. Do not include any quotes or new information in your 5th paragraph. That should only contain your concluding statement. When you are done with your draft, post the essay in this thread so that we can properly review the content and help you improve certain areas if necessary.

Graduate / How do you anticipate that Shanghai will differentiate your MBA experience? [2]

Pepper, in your first listing, change the term to "Gaining and In-Depth Knowledge of China". The current version of your subtitle is incomplete and does not make sense. I also believe that you need to give a solid example or two of how China can offer you a unique opportunity to observe the market from the Chinese perspective. For that matter, you should try to provide solid examples of how you plan to use your China experience to build your MBA experience. That way you can present yourself as someone who has given this study opportunity great thought.

For the second list, what parts of this study program will help you to become a world - class professional? Indicate some training programs or internships that can help set the Shanghai learning experience apart from the other MBA programs offered by other Chinese universities. In relation to that, try to explain what opportunities the university offers you in terms of building your network that you feel will help further your training in this field.

The overall problem that I can see with your essay is that you have not really presented the reviewer with a clear idea as to how familiar you are with the university program in relation to the Shanghai experience. There is a lack of personal connection between the program and your representation of your plans for your study time in China. The essay comes across as too sanitized right now. It is carefully crafted, but does not allow the reviewer to gain an insight into the development of your personal, social, and professional side in relation to your study experience. Those are important aspects of this essay as well because these character developments will definitely help to create a unique Shanghai study experience for you.

Scholarship / Career Objective for a Scholarship in pursuing Petroleum Engineering [4]

Emmanuel, I am not sure what kind of help you expect us to give you regarding your scholarship application. The career objective is something that you should have had even before you decided to apply for this scholarship. The only thing that I can do for you at this point is to ask you questions that might be able to help me create an idea of what kind of career objective essay you can write.

1. Is this for a masters degree scholarship or a college scholarship?
2. If this is for a masters degree, do you have any related experience? Can you mention some of it here for our consideration?
3. Why do you wish to study Petroleum Engineering at this point? If it is for a masters degree, what career path do you wish to take?

4. Can you tell me if you have a post study plan for yourself ? What is it? This applies whether you are only a college or masters degree applicant.

5. What scholarship in particular are you applying to? I need the name of the scholarship so that I can better assess the requirements for the career objective that they will be expecting to read in your essay.

Scholarship / What you see yourself doing 5 years, 10 years after graduation. [2]

Sarah, for starters, you need to indicate the amount of time that it will take for you to achieve this plan of creating your own academic institution. I mean, lay out your plan from the time of your masters degree graduation before you discuss the plan to create the school. You have to start from scratch. So where do you plan to start? What steps will you take to achieve this? Will it cover the 10 or 20 year plan? It definitely cannot be done in 5 years time. So be time specific. Be even more specific with the method by which you plan to achieve this. So, discuss the 5 year plan first. Then the 10 year plan, then the 20 year plan. Although, I think that you should only discuss up to the 10 year plan because the 20 year plan will definitely require a higher level of learning, along the PhD. line. You might want to rethink your career plan to reflect only up to 10 years.

Writing Feedback / The number of times that youngsters ate 3 kinds of junk food namely pizza, hamburgers, fish & chips [4]

Tran, the summary report that you made is good, but it can be better. For starters, the overview statement is too short. It doesn't fall within the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences. In my opinion, you could have combined the first and second paragraphs in order to create the proper information necessary in a summary overview.

Since you have a minimum paragraph requirement of at least 3 paragraphs, I suggest that you create 2 different paragraphs to meet the requirement. In the second paragraph, you could have discussed only the fluctuations that were created for each of the food type. Then in the third, you could have discussed the number of times the food was eaten per year. That way, the discussion becomes specific per paragraph and better illustrates the information provided.

That said, you did not do a bad job in this essay. It showed a clear understanding of the chart and you were able to present the information to the reader a clear enough manner. Congratulations on doing that. You have the potential to get better in writing this sort of essay. Just keep practicing. We will be here to help you out with advice whenever you need it. Just ask.

Essays / I have this task to do, and it asks me for the Thesis of the source text?? ideas Any comment is (y) [5]

Taij, do you have an assigned reading for this task? You need a reading assignment in order to complete the instructions. Basically, you are being asked to perform an opinion review of the article. That means, you must read the article thoroughly and take notes regarding the topic of the article, the purpose of the article, and the important information it contains. Those three elements that I indicated create the thesis of the source text. The discussion that you will be making regarding it should include examples or in-text citations of the important points of the essay that can help to better explain your opinion. Your presentation of the thesis will also need examples either from the text or your personal life in order to show that you understand the thesis presentation and you are able to accurately discuss it in writing. So prepare to read the assigned text a number of times in order to complete the assignment.

Writing Feedback / Here's a little part of a story I made up myself. Not sure about it.. [2]

Dvergence, you have to give me something to work with here. Did you write this for creative writing class? I have to tell you that as an narrative based on your personal experience, I believe that you did a good job for most of the essay. It was engaging, imaginative, and took the reader on the ride with your mom and you in that car. Everything was going great until the last paragraph when you suddenly bring in the story about going ice skating with your mom. It came for out of the blue and did not really have a chance to develop in relation to the previous story because you suddenly cut it short. Why was that? Are you planning on developing that story further? I think the story doesn't really have a proper ending at the moment so you should work on creating a memorable conclusion to it.

Writing Feedback / Corporation has a responsibility towards society and environment apart from maximizing profits. [2]

Payal, is this essay meant for a research paper or an IELTS Task 2 test? Somehow, the prompt you partially provided tells me this is for IELTS. If so, kindly provide the complete prompt requirement so that I will know what kind of discussion you are being asked to present. I need to know if this a personal opinion paper or a comparison paper with a personal opinion, or what. Overall, you present a solid discussion of the issue presented in as much as I can analyze your work. The presentation of the reason is correct and contains a progression in the discussion. I am not so worried about the way that you argued the prompt in as much as I am worried about whether the later prompt requirements were satisfied in the discussion. That is why I am asking for a copy of the prompt (if this is for IELTS). A more relevant analysis of your work can be done based upon the full prompt requirements. If this is based upon a research paper, I need your complete thesis statement instead so that I can point out the areas for improvement in your discussion.

Undergraduate / 'the choice to change the world' Spelman College Transfer Essay [11]

Yes. This is a definite improvement that can help to enhance your essay presentation. Go ahead and use this to replace the paragraph that we previously had in question. I believe that your work is now at the place where it best responds to the prompt requirement. It clearly shows your development as a student who was first refused admission and is now seeking to transfer to the university. The method by which you improved your academic requirements is admirable and should help your other documents come consideration time. It is best that you now finalize the content of the essay for use with your application. In my opinion, there is nothing left to adjust in the work. So you can go ahead and use this already. Good luck with your transfer application.

Writing Feedback / Response to an article on why liberal arts are important [3]

Daniela, I wish you had provided us with a link to the actual article that you read for the development of this response essay. It would have greatly aided in the review of your paper which, although not bad, isn't really as good in presentation as it could have been. Since this is a response to an article, there are some specific sets of information that should have been presented in your essay.

First, the essay should have presented the name of the author, the title of the article, its publication date, and the publication itself. from there, a summary of the content of the article should have been mentioned in an effort to inform the reader about what the article discussion is about. Had you indicated the summary of the article in your first paragraph, I would not have found myself requesting for a link to the original article. I would already have known what the article is about.

Second, you should have indicated some discussion points in your essay as based upon actual quotes from the original. Your response should be in relation to something that you either agree or disagree with in the work of the author. That way, your responses have a general purpose and direction as opposed to the current open writing version that is neither here nor there in discussion focus.

Finally, your personal opinion to the overall article should have made the closing remarks more indicative of your overall response to the essay. Right now, the reader is not clear as to why you suddenly referred to the police situation in the Middle East. The reader is left wondering why you would opt to close your response on that note. There is no backgrounder in relation to the original article. That is necessary in order to help the reader understand the point of your whole discussion.

Undergraduate / Loyola Marymount Supplement - The primary purpose of education [3]

Selin, like Ichan said, you have to get your essays into the Urgent thread if you have a short turn around time for the essay editing. Just inform the moderators of your need to place an urgent essay and they will assist you in gaining the attention of the contributors within the time frame you have indicated. The regular threads are served up advice on a first come first serve basis.

Your second paragraph could have made a stronger concluding statement for your essay. It should have been interchanged with the current concluding statement that would have made the perfect opening statement in this case. The current opening statement just spun its wheels without going anywhere in terms of helping your essay improve in content. Its removal would have been of a great benefit to your essay.

Overall, the essay is good. However, the reference to Sunduz Atay would have been presented in a better light if you had made the information sound like you got it first hand from interacting with the person (as implied by the prompt) rather than having the information depicted in the current third person form. When information comes from the experience of other people in interacting with someone, it does not carry the same informative punch as you saying "When I had the chance to speak with..." or "During a chance meeting with..."

Writing Feedback / IELTS - several sources as energy consumption in US in 1980 and its forecasting in 2050 [2]

Ayu, for this sort of predictive report essay, you must learn how to format your sentences in the future tense form. That is because the events have not yet happened but are predicted to happen some time in the future. You used the correct term in smattering areas of your essay. So I am guessing that you somehow knew that you had to present it in that form. You just did not know that you had to do it in a continuous form throughout the essay. If we do not consider the grammar range and accuracy portion of this essay, I will say that you have presented a pretty solid piece of work that allows your English comprehension skills to accurately shine through. All aspects of the information can be considered to be well presented and informative as the comparisons made really shed light on the information provided to you in the chart.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - MAP (comparison the development of some tourist facilities) [6]

Ayu, the tense to use in all of these report essays will be the past tense because the information has already been provided to you and all you have left to do is summarize the report in written form. In this case, the vacant island should have been a part of the introduction or summary statement. You should have referenced it as being the basis for the improvement in the island. For example "The illustrations provide 2 images. One for the undeveloped island composed mainly of tress, and the other, is the developed island composed of various facilities and land masses."

I would give your task accuracy a score of 4 because of the missing element that describes the first image in comparison to the second. As for the coherence and cohesiveness, lexical resource, and grammar range / accuracy, I think you could score no higher than a 5 in most instances. The presentation is mechanical in nature because you only presented the facts as you read it in the essay. There is no sense of you trying to present the information in a more advanced manner either through sentence construction or use of advanced English vocabulary.

I would not say that this is a bad essay. I believe that the essay shows your potential to actually do a good job on the next practice test. Provided you have ample guidance and instructions regarding how to better develop your skills. I hope my advice helps you in that regard.

Research Papers / Violence and Video Games correlation - A research paper [2]

Bryan, the main problem with your paper is that it is composed solely of quoted information from other sources. While this information is accurate and informs the reader, there is a lack of other opinions which could either support or negate certain claims. These claims usually come from you as the researcher in the form of a personal opinion, anecdote, or interview of other people. You can strengthen the essay by offering those types of additional information.

Next to that, the introduction is weak in terms of presenting a thesis statement. Since there are two sides to this story, you must present each side clearly in the opening statement by offering a flow of discussion for the essay and indicating (if allowed) your personal opinion on the matter. If you are allowed to use your personal opinion as part of the research, then the paper will be more interesting in presentation as you can use personal experience to contradict or support certain claims made within the research. It will also remove the sense that you are only presenting other people's research results to complete your paper.

Your research paper should aim to inform the reader either by explaining certain facts about the case or, adding new information to the commonly known facts of the topic already. By doing these additions to your paper, you should increase your word count by at least another 900-1000 words.

Undergraduate / Virginia tech - Our motto is UT Promise. How is service to others important for you? [2]

Nathan, Ut Prosim which is the Latin motto of Virginia Tech literally means "That I may serve". The prompt thus requires you to explain how you are of selfless service to others in your life. While you have a good premise for the essay, the discussion that you provided centered too much on the people that your organization serves rather than the actions that you take within the organization in order to help others. The essay requires a redirection of the topic from the people to you. Why do you want to serve these people? Why is serving them something that is of high importance to you? Your second paragraph carries some pretty good responses to the questions I posed. You have to further develop those thoughts in order to create a more appropriate response for the essay. So you can tell the reviewer about your organization but, rather than discussing your point of view about the people who benefit from your work, talk instead, about the personal fulfillment or satisfaction that you get from the activity. That should help to explain why this activity is important to you.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task2] Architects shouldn't worry about producing building as a work of art. Agree or not? [5]

Thanks for the prompt Nguyen. I think that your essay would get a band score somewhere between a 5 and a 6 in this case. As a fluid discussion, the essay portrays a train of thought that has logic and sense. The only problem is that you are not yet capable of properly developing your paragraphs with more complex and better developed discussions through the use of more complex words and vocabulary. While I did understand what you have to say, your presentation can get a little confusing at times. In the second paragraph, you present an example of one of the worst structural disasters in American history. You should have included information about what make the structure weak. Was it because art was prioritized over safety and function in the design of the building? When you offer evidence in an essay, make sure that you have data to support your claim. Otherwise, the data you present does not deliver the proper relationship with the essay in terms of content and discussion. For the conclusion, the correct term to use is "I strongly support" and not "I strongly suppose". To suppose is to be uncertain. It does not make sense for you to be strongly uncertain about something in your closing statement so I am sure that you just used the wrong term in the essay. Which would have cost you points lost in an actual test under the Lexical Resource criteria.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task2] Architects shouldn't worry about producing building as a work of art. Agree or not? [5]

Nguyen, please post the complete prompt requirement for this writing task so that I can have a better idea as to what the actual prompt requirements are pertaining to your discussion. Your scores will be based on prompt adherence so in order for me to better judge that part, you have to give me the complete discussion you are responding to.

Please take note of the way that you present your evidence in the essay, you wrote 201 in reference to the year the study was published. However, the year is not completely written so the reader cannot accurately judge whether the information you are providing is accurate or not. Remember, Grammar range and accuracy has everything to do with the way that you accurately and completely present your information in the essay. In this case, your sentence development is obviously flawed and you did not even care to make sure that your information is accurate. There is a definite stress placed upon the reader because of it due to incomplete information. Carelessness such as the one you made above can really have a dire effect on your score in that criteria.

Next, your conclusion can use a better build up in terms of content. It does not follow the required elements of the conclusion which requires you to restate the point of the discussion, reasons, and your point of view (if required). Without that, the conclusion is not as strong and informative as it should be.

I have some other comments regarding your work but I am reserving those observations for after I figure out what your prompt requirement expects to see in your essay. Needless to say, my comments will be adjusted as I learn about what you are really expected to reflect in your essay.

Undergraduate / 'the choice to change the world' Spelman College Transfer Essay [11]

I asked you to remove the reference to your organization Sista2Sista in my previous advice. Why is it still in this essay? Well you did remove the reference to the gym so I guess you just forgot to remove the reference to the organization. I mean, you are presenting information that doesn't relate to your college academics and it is not a required prompt element, so it should not be there. This is something you are doing outside of the academic world so the reviewer is not interested in it. He wants to know if you can academically make the grade and function in Spelman, so don't muddle the issue with irrelevant discussions. Once you remove that reference, I am confident that the essay will already be in its final form.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that wild animals should not be kept in zoos. [2]

Janaki, the task accuracy is still at a 3 at this point. Your paraphrasing is almost at par with the original statement. The only problem being that the prompt indicates wild animals in general and you focused the essay on carnivore animals. Do not use terms that not included in the prompt because it changes the meaning of the discussion. While I understand that you are trying to show a wide vocabulary in an effort to improve your lexical resource and grammar accuracy range, if you do not use the correct words in the essay, then using these average vocabulary words will not help to improve your score. Now, since your task accuracy is still at a 4 and your failed to present your personal opinion within the essay as indicated by the instructions, the essay will still not score higher than a 3 at this point. When you are asked to discuss both views then present your opinion, the format should be like this:

1. Introduction with paraphrased prompt
2. First opinion discussion
3. Second opinion discussion
4. Personal opinion
5. Conclusion with restated prompt

Try to follow this format for all the succeeding essays that you will write that asks you to present both sides and then a discussion of your personal opinion.

Undergraduate / A talk with an ex-homeless person - UBC personal profile [6]

Daniel, if you still have the word space, you should try to delve on a deeper reflection of how that meeting affected you personally. That is not clearly shown in the essay. The current response is good, but shallow in content. So you need to create a more compelling reason for your desire to help these people beyond the story you were told. Put yourself in his shoes. If you were the homeless man, do you think you would have survived your time in the streets? Why or why not? Create an emotional connection that shows how your point of view about the homeless now stems from your realization that your life is privileged and as such, you will do what you can to help the less fortunate. That is how you show the development of a personal and world point of view.

Undergraduate / Investing in human development through education and research for national energy defense [5]

Zaki, since this is a very specific application prompt, I believe that you should focus on the possible hypothesis project for your studies. That is because the thesis project is often considered as part of your main reason or interest in a specific field. Did you notice how you are being asked to present at least 3 hypothetical project proposals or thesis topics? The sheer number of questions you are asked to posed and possible research means that the university you are applying to is heavily research based in their educational standard and they expect you to have the skills to properly research and produce results for your proposed projects. That will be represented in the way you develop those 3 hypothetical project proposals. So focus more on that part of the essay. It is obvious that this will be part of the major considerations of your admission to the university. That said, do not neglect to fully represent your thesis work for the final assignment. These two aspects will be considered in combination when it comes time to consider your admission qualifications.

Undergraduate / Project with Syrian Kids - critical thinking story / Why LMU? (LMU Supplements) [3]

Selin, due to the one essay per thread policy of the forum, you will only receive a review for the first essay that appears in your thread. Since your second essay is sure to be deleted due to the violation, you should post that as soon as you can in a new dedicated thread. The forum moderators are very strict about that policy so I strongly suggest that you follow it. Here are my comments for your essay.

Are you sure that the events that you relate happened in exactly this way? The narrative that you present sounds like it came straight out of a Hollywood drama film or a psychological novel. Either way, there is a sense of fictionalism in the way that you present the narrative. Aside from the unrealistic feel of the narrative, I am of the opinion that the story telling created an unnecessarily long essay for the response. It would be best if you just present the events in a concise manner by summarizing the events and then presenting the actions you took and its results in a matter - of -fact manner rather than this screen play version. That should give it a more realistic and less dramatic feel.

You also have to tell the reviewer about the background of CIP. That is because you delved directly into the discussion of the activity without explaining what the volunteer organization is all about. Tell the reviewer about the objectives of the organization before you tell the story of the boy. The background will help him understand the importance of what you did to you and the organization.

Graduate / Motivation Letter in communication engineering KTH Sweden. [3]

Fauzi, Just present a summary of your work experience in relation to communication engineering. This is only supposed to be a one page letter to the reviewer regarding your motivation for studying at KTH Sweden. The thorough discussion should be placed in the statement of purpose as part of your actual professional background. This letter should actually not be more than 5 paragraphs long so if you remove the paragraph I indicated, the letter should fall into the proper form as a 3 - 4 paragraph essay. It will be informative in the correct manner. Remove the detailed work experiences and just offer a summarized version of what problems you experienced on the job that further motivated you to learn more about communication engineering.

Undergraduate / Exchanging ideas and sharing experiences. Applying in scholarship, Essay about my interests. [12]

This is how you might be able to format your response:

One of the hobbies that I have cultivated in my life is my love for writing friendship themed stories. This obsession with story writing led to my first publication in "Kelab Penulis Cilik". This was soon followed by the publication of my 3 children's books "The Cooking Show", "Jeanie vs. Trio Usil" and "My Spooky Moment". Before I knew it, my love for creative writing also results in the publication of my short stories in other print and online media in Indonesia. Following my passion for writing, I was also a member of the "Kharisma" journalism club in my school. Aside from being a published amateur writer for the publication, I also served as the editor in chief.

My volunteer activities found me participating in the charity program Forum Pelajar Indonesia Ke-8 which was involved in the construction of schools in remote areas and the distribution of books to the public as well as raising awareness about globalization and the role of the youth and parents in its successful promotion.

Keep it short, focused, and informative. There is no need to indicate an age or any other non-essential information. Use the essay above if you really feel that you are hopeless when it comes to writing the statement response.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Management & Economics of Innovation Course [3]

It is not important to mention the names of other Indonesians who succeeded in this field. That is not relevant to your motivation to complete this course as far as I can tell. There is nothing in that paragraph that indicates the person was able to motivate you to take this course. Skip that part. You should also revise the line that starts with "According to my observation". The term "according to" indicates that you will be offering second hand information. However, you are presenting first hand information based upon your own activity. Therefore, you should simply say "I have observed" or "I observed". Take possession of the statement you are about to make. The rest of the essay has already fallen into place so once you apply these changes, you should have a usable version of the essay already. There is no need to continue to modify the essay after this point. All that is left is to wish you the best with your application.

Undergraduate / Describe the factors that have most influenced you and your hopes and dreams. [9]

Charlotte, the essay needs to start from a pivotal point in your life when you actually began to realize that you were being influenced by the existence of other people with regards to your hopes and dreams. This essay only shows the possible influences on your personality through your parents, teachers, and time abroad. It doesn't create an image of your hopes and dreams actually being influenced by the existence of these people and situations. So you have to start a new essay from scratch. You don't have to think of multiple personalities or factors that influenced you if there is only one strong and pivotal factor in your life that did that. It is better to have an essay that focuses on a singular influence than to have an essay that has a lot of things to say, but none of which actually help you to properly respond to the prompt. Think of the real, strong, pivotal influence in your life that led to your desire to enroll in your current major of choice. What were the factors that contributed to this decision? Those are the factors that have helped to shape you in terms of your hopes and dreams and those are the elements that you should present in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Compare the data on a global scale - report [3]

Hasrina, I believe that you have written a very informative summary of the chart that was provided to you for this report. However, the opening summary is not as complete as it should be. The missing element in this opening statement would be the rundown of the countries involved in the study. You should have listed the names of the countries involved in the study at the start in order to create a solid discussion foundation and a complete overview of the information presented. The opening statement would have also been helped if you had presented the information in the opening statement in a manner that produced a minimum of 3 sentences which is the required element of this essay. Remember, it is always a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5 for every paragraph. Those are the only weak points of your work that I saw. When it comes to information presentation, I do not believe that there are any faults and you did a solid job of informing the reader.

Scholarship / 'a leader, a go-getter, down-to-earth, opportunist' Letter of Self-Introduction - 2017 KGSP Graduate [2]

Margaux, I suggest that you skip the first paragraph of your current essay and instead, open with the second paragraph, which is a direct introduction to who you are and what your important qualities and traits both as a person and as a student are. When an essay discussion is obviously going to entail a lengthy discussion, it is always best to avoid the word fillers or word introductions at the start and just get to the point. There is no sense in introducing the reviewer to what you have to say twice. Once just to ease him into the mindset that you have and the second, to really introduce yourself. The essay you present is already too long as it is so try to shorten it wherever possible.

The third paragraph is also running too long. Rather than trying to present all of your academic achievements, just present the most important one that you have. After all, the highlight of the essay should actually be your related work experience in terms of your major. So if the TedxMiriam activity is the most important to your related experience, focus the paragraph on that.

Now usually, these essays also ask you to provide information about your familiarity with the Korean culture and language preparations if any. Wasn't that required in this essay for you? If it wasn't I believe that you should present it just the same in order to show that you are serious about becoming a successful masters degree student in Korea.

Undergraduate / USC supplement:describe a time where I have to collaborate to accomplish more than I could by myself [3]

Jiang, what is the purpose of your organization or online magazine? Aside from the name of the organization, you should also qualify its importance to the prompt by describing the reason behind the project. What is the objective? Has that objective been achieved through constant collaboration or is this still an ongoing or never ending project? The reason I ask is because you need to provide a reason for the collaboration that your initiated in the group. What has been accomplished through the collaboration so far? Aside from being able to keep the website online? Explain the importance of the collaboration beyond just being able to help you keep the site online and the information updated. That is the missing link in this essay that, when provided, should make the essay ready for use because it will be more prompt adherent.

Graduate / Self Assessment Essay for application a position at Risk Advisory in Deloitte [3]

Rolland, I do not really see a strong discussion of your merits or strengths as a potential student at Deloitte. Bear in mind that you should only be discussing your strengths in relation to your chosen course of study. Therefore, a sense of seriousness in your essay should be evident. The first paragraph seems to take the presentation too lightly and as such, removes the impact of your response. I believe that you should change the overall tone of your voice to a serious one and also, make sure that your merits show a direct relation to your chosen course. Your leadership role is not strong enough to serve as a merit because you did not discuss your accomplishments as a leader. Rather, you showed your observations regarding team work and team spirit which, although related in discussion, cannot be considered a strength or merit because you are speaking of a group effort instead of the required individualized discussion.

Scholarship / Case Western Alexander A. Treuhaft Memorial Scholarship Essay [3]

Cassie, I am not convinced that your approach to the essay prompt is correct. It appears to me that the prompt is asking you to come up with a more imaginative solution, an actual, possibly applicable solution to a scientific or Engineering problem. In this instance, you speak of Neuroscience as the solution to the mental illnesses that affect a portion of the population. Why don't you become more definitive and instead, choose specific problem in psychology, look up the current solutions or treatment regimens for it, and then develop your own solution based upon the research you have accomplished? It seems to me that your essay is way too generalized in content and does not really respond to the prompt in an accurate manner. Think of the prompt this way, if you were to develop a dissertation proposal for your studies, what would it be? What research would it entail? What sort of solution do you see yourself developing? Yes, I believe that would be the better approach to this essay.

Graduate / Motivation Letter - Business Information Systems (MSc Information Studies) - Amsterdam - UvA [5]

Hi Stalin. I totally agree with you about the weakness of the first version of your second paragraph. I am referring to the paragraph 2 that you were asking me about in the previous thread. In relation to that, I have to tell you that I find the second version of the second paragraph, the version preceding my response that is, to be the better and more informative version of the paragraph. Therefore, I strongly encourage you to use that particular version as the second paragraph of your essay. In the complete context of the motivational letter, these changes have resulted in a very interesting motivational letter that will certainly help your application. I believe that you can submit the motivational letter once you make the necessary switch between the two versions of paragraph two. Good luck with your application!