Undergraduate / WHY BOSTON UNIVERSITY? my passion for biology and experience living in a 3rd world nation [2]

Ademidun, I do not see any commonalities listed between your interests in Boston University and the way the university can help you achieve your goals. There is no sense of familiarity between your endeavors in the past and your potential to excel at Boston using their existing program and other academic offerings. You are actually just talking but not answering the question directly. In fact, the reference to your third world education does not offer any solid foundation for the discussion because, as you said, you were prevented from really pursuing your passion for biology. Therefore, you need to start from scratch and try to write your response to the paper after you have done some research into the academic offerings that being a Biology major at Boston can offer you. Find some commonalities (both academic and social) that can be developed into the proper response. You will need to do some research or read a few of the Boston application essays here as examples of how you can best respond to the clear requirements of the essay. You need to show the reviewer that you are aware of the academic standards of Boston University and that you are going to match, equal, or surpass those standards, which is why you feel that Boston University is a good fit for you. It is the combination of academic and social commonalities and interests that should explain why you chose to attend Boston instead of other universities.

The current essay is not really directed towards that. Your current response shows more of how you are a beginner in Biology and you will use Boston to help you understand and learn about the course rather than using Boston as a continuing educational center that will help you to enhance what you already know about Biology and your plans to pursue specific projects or research as a student there. Which are normally the reasons why a students opts for one university over the other. You need to reflect that in your essay.

Undergraduate / 'all the hard work made will be worth it' - UPenn's Writing Supplement [6]

Charisma, how can I put this nicely? You actually have a well written essay here that shows your keen interest in achieving higher education at UPenn. However the information that you provided is not what the essay actually expects to receive as a response. That is why I am quite sad to tell you that, it is my opinion, that you should write a totally new, more prompt directed response essay. It is necessary for you to do this because the essay that you wrote just doesn't fit the needs of the required response. Don't worry, I am here to guide you towards achieving that.

For starters, you need to look deeper into the major that you have decided to pursue at UPenn. Consider the professors whose classes you are looking forward to attending and the possible lessons you will learn from them. Think of the organizations that you can join at the university where you can pursue your social and academic interests. Think of the other activities that UPenn offers its students that can help you become a well rounded, as well as highly educated person.

In order to respond to the essay properly, you will need to look into the course curriculum and related activities at the university. Think of how you can enjoy yourself while learning. How can you relax and still get the kind of education that you wish to pursue at UPenn? These are the questions that you should be asking yourself and the kind of response that you should be offering.

Now, I need to know if you are applying to the coordinated dual degree program as well. I will need to know which your primary major is so that we can focus your response to the essay only on that course choice. It is a requirement of the essay.

Essays / Write a tragic autofiction or autobiography witout feeling sad or pathetic without feeling [5]

Gina, in order for you to write this work of autofiction, you first have to know how it is written by others in the same field. Basically, a work of autofiction is written in the third person regarding a usually historic figure. Normally, you should mix historical events with events you made up for the story. Or, you can exaggerate events in order to create a more engrossing narration. Consider reading Cold Blood by Truman Capote for a better reference as to how to write this sort of story.

This is how you can write the story without any feelings. You are a mere narrator of events that may or may not have happened the way it is told in your story. It is often easier to write this sort of narrative if you look into historical figures who had tragic endings to their life stories. That way you will have more room to work out the fiction part of the story.

If you write about Maumar Khaddafi, Consider his final moments leading up to the people finding his hiding place and his public lynch mobbing, What do you think he was thinking about before he died? Was there some sort of repentance on his part? That is where the "fiction" part of the "biography" comes in. Just keep yourself unattached and unfeeling by writing it from the third person point of view. You will have to successfully mix fiction with fact in order to get the non emotional writing angle that your teacher wants you to provide.

Speeches / A farewell speech for a teacher who is leaving [6]

Soha, when you write a farewell speech, you should focus on talking to the person and not the audience. This is your last chance to tell your teacher how she affected your life in a positive manner. Use anecdotes to highlight the kind of special relationship or kinship that you feel you have with this teacher. The current writing that you have is too automated in content. It is not interesting because you are not making it a personal message. It lacks focus because you are discussing the woman as your teacher and educator alone. For an effective farewell speech, you actually need to go deeper into your discussion. Talk about how she helped you out of a tight spot one time in school or maybe explain how she has affected your ambitions in life. Perhaps having you think about a career as educator as well.

Don't close the essay in such a curt manner. You have to deliver a more touching closing since this is the last time that you will be talking to and seeing the teacher. Try to develop a softer voice and lighter touch to closing lines. Be personable, not eager to get off the stage or end the speech.

Undergraduate / Common App Prompt 5: How family problems helped catalyze my transition to adulthood. [3]

Hassan, it can be said that this essay, in terms of story, focuses more on your brother and the rift that he created within your family. Your reaction to it is not something that can be considered a transition into adulthood because it is not something that reflected additional, adult concept duties, responsibilities, or way of thinking on your part that was acknowledged by your parents or other elders in your family. This type of narration is better suited for a background story prompt rather than a transition to adulthood.So keep this essay for that particular prompt requirement instead.

In order for you to present a transition essay, you have to think of either a cultural tradition or family based belief / activity that signifies more responsibility being transferred to you. In this instance, there is no reference at all to any event or sense of maturity that developed on your part. These stories are more about trying to help ease the sadness that your parents felt. That is not a mode of transition. That is something that most loving children would do for their parents.

So, what kind of transition are we talking about here? Consider some of the following examples:
1. Traveling alone for the first time and learning to be responsible for yourself.
2. Being left alone at home for the first time and showing a sense of maturity by taking care of the household along with yourself.
3. Any ritual that has an ending of "I was now part of the elder community and offered equal respect by my parents and other members of the community".

4. Being given additional responsibility by the government such as getting your driver's license and something similar.

Try to revise the essay to tell more about your story and the quest for maturity and acceptance as an equal in the family or community. That is how you are admitted to adulthood and that is how a transition occurs. You may or may not even know that you successfully transitioned in your life to adulthood so you may need to think hard about what might better illustrate the prompt requirement from your life.

Undergraduate / Human resource management answer - your specific concentration areas of interest [4]

Nazia, if you will kindly remove the reference to being a deputy commissioner, the second half of your response will be much more improved and better representative of the prompt dictated requirements and response. Start the second paragraph instead with the sentence "Good governance..." instead. That will tie in closely with your previous paragraph and further enhance the concentration of your studies and training in this field.

At this point, you only have to do one more thing in order to consider the response ready for submission. Review the essay that you wrote for prompt responsiveness. That means, you have to make sure that you are comfortable with what you have written and are absolutely sure that you have described your specific areas of concentration in your field of study. I think you have done that already but you might have a different opinion. Once you are sure you have not missed any presentation required in the essay, then the essay will be ready to submit.

Undergraduate / Helping elderly using new technologies. Statement of objective, MIT graduate school [11]

Hi Zhang, I did not find anything else that might require changing in the content so I decided to go ahead and make the notations regarding the grammar correction of your essay. Please find my suggested changes below:

... I HAVE always desired...
...certain responsibility which is driving THAT HAS DRIVEN me to conduct...
...Internet of Things with THE hope tostudy OF STUDYING THE wireless network.
...sensing with A focus on health... ...
Some MY RESEARCH results have been published...
... is the opportunity that leads LED to my realization...

...experiences tell TELLS me that continuous...
...to me that A PhD education ...
...next step on IN my career...
...the future need NEEDS of human...
... consider the MIT with its Media Lab...

...monitoring system SYSTEMS.
... ...my work mainly consists CONSISTED of...
...My goal is WAS to continuously...
... based on a wrist watch APP.
... Accuracy of the watch WATCH ACCURACY was tested on IN public ...
... Then the THE watch passed the realibility verification by OF the National...
...Practical application at THE China-Japan Friendship Hospital gave MY RESEARCH supporting feedback...

Among the MY experiences...
... largely improved THE accuracy...
.. Soon after I uploaded MY relevant findings...

...country which has THAT PRIDES ITSELF ON THE STRENGTH OF its strength in research SCIENTISTS AND ABILITIES,
... into the RESEARCH CONCERNING OUR GLOBALLY aging...
...opportunity TO EXCEL in the area ...

Best of luck to you and your application !

Graduate / A list if 25 random lists of Duke MMS (Still unfinished) [8]

Rolland, let's focus on fixing the grammar problems in essay by the number. I'll be posting the suggested corrections :

6. It is not right to say that "which is still a puzzle I am confusing." Say instead, that "it is still a confusing puzzle to me."

7 and 8. Although it refers to your friends, doesn't really tell the reviewer something about you in relation to your friends. You can limit your friends to a single number in the list if you want. Provided your friends say something about you. Maybe say something about the kind of friend you are or a character, or trait that they admire about you. That way we keep the focus of the friendship on something unique about you as a person.

9. Say that you have watched the series 5 times instead of "for 5 times".
12. Should be "I fail every time. "
13. My all time favorite book is...
14. I am a fanboy...
15. Remove the question (Anyone?)
16. Cartoon should be written as "cartoons"
17. ... While latte can be made from...
19. Say obsessed with drag racing.
20. (Yes, I am more ...)
21. ... taken lasted about 16 ...
22. ...was selected for both...

Rolland, thanks for the link. I did warn you about mentioning the university in any way, shape or form in this list right? Refer to my previous advice for your reference. I am glad you found information that backed up my recommendation.

Scholarship / I strongly hope to be awarded this Scholarship to actualize my dream of enhancing myself [2]

Wow! Dennis you certainly went overboard with your writing. Your whole paper has a total of 785 words. I suggest that you cut down on the analysis of the problem in your country in order to bring the essay down to a more prompt adherent 500 words or less. You can start by removing the filler statement in your opening paragraph. Just go directly to the mention of the problem which is the lack of computerized records for citizens of Ghana. You don't need to over explain the problem, keep the word limit in mind at all times. If you revise the opening statement, you can bring the word count down to 699 words. Just rephrase the second paragraph to make it sound more like an opening statement rather than a continuation statement.

You can also omit the part that has you discussing the opportunity that the scholarship will afford you. That sounds like a common statement that doesn't really reflect the proper response to the prompt. That bring the essay down to 675 words. Now, since the scholarship foundation is not asking you to relate how they can follow up on your progress after you graduate, there is no need to mention that in the essay. Removing that reference will bring your word total down to 607 words. Remove the part about hoping to be award the scholarship since you should not be concluding the essay at that point yet. That means the essay becomes 580 words.

Now, you can reduce another 80 words to come out at 500 words if you rephrase your 5 year career plan. For starters, you don't need to offer a numerical and parenthetical version of the digit, you just have to choose whether you want to type out the word or use the number. Since this is a formal essay, opt to type out the word instead. Rather than presenting such a long winded but generalized statement in that portion, you should come up with a solid plan of action and present it in the essay. Just tell the reviewer what you wish to accomplish in that span of time and explain why you believe you can accomplish it. Keep track of your word count when you revise that part. These suggestions should help your essay become better focused on the task it was assigned to do and also help you to better meet the word count.

Graduate / Your plan to be engaged outside of the classroom - DUKE MMS program essay question [8]

Hi Rolland, contrary to what you think, the essay response that you wrote is more fitting and relevant towards responding to the 2nd prompt. That is a lucky thing that happened to you because it is always important that you follow the prompt requirements when the process of responding is as specific as the one that Duke gives their applicants.

I read your essay thoroughly and have come to the conclusion that while you did deliver on the prompt requirements, the essay can use further development in some aspects. There is a portion of the prompt that you should highlight further in the essay and this is the part that relates to how you plan to use the lessons learned and skills that you developed during that time as a Duke MMS student. Your response is too short and generalized in discussion. The event that you chose to use as an example of the way that you will share the skills you have needs to be more impressive. Maybe you can volunteer to start a new organization or join an existing one on campus that you feel will help you not only use your knowledge and skills, but also help you develop new ones on that respect.

At this point in the essay applications, you should stop taking such a casual tone towards the end of the essay. The essay requires a formal written voice because of the academic or professional basis of the prompt. They want to see your serious side this time. It's not the time to be discussing Dukies and the motto of the home team. Be professional in tone and presentation. Learn to assess when you should use a casual and a serious writing tone. It can help the reviewer decide whether you are taking your application seriously or not.

Undergraduate / Helping elderly using new technologies. Statement of objective, MIT graduate school [11]

Zhang, are you asking me about your grammar accuracy? If you are asking about that, then the answer is that the essay shows a higher grasp of the English language than the other essays here. The grammar is clear enough to get your message across to the reader and your vocabulary shows that you are very well adjusted to the use of professional terms in line with your field of study. There are some highly minor adjustments to the sentences in relation to sentence structure that could be addressed. You need not worry about those at this point though because you are still editing your essay. Once you have the essay in its final form, we can address these minor grammar revisions. Really, the grammar is not an issue at this moment because your essay has quite a strong message that uses advanced English language and sentence structure in your presentation. Any improvements can wait because your essay really works in its current form. It delivers on all necessary counts.

Writing Feedback / Short piece of writing on 'The Negative Impacts of Winter Season' [6]

Soha, whether it is a formal essay or not is not important. The main thing to consider is that essays are written to inform the reader. Therefore, regardless of the writing style, be it formal, casual, or just something you wrote to while the time away, it still has to follow the format for an essay. If you wish to improve your English proficiency, specially in writing, then you need to familiarize yourself with the proper way to develop, draft, and eventually, write an essay. Even if it is just an opinion paper that you are developing, the writing and written work development regulations do not change. All of the expected parts of an essay need to represented and every topic sentence fully developed. This essay has the potential to become a very informative and lighthearted piece of reading. It is too bad that you don't have the time to fully develop it. Your writing skills show that with the right motivation and guidance, you have the potential to improve your English written skills.

Graduate / A list if 25 random lists of Duke MMS (Still unfinished) [8]

Hey Rolland, thanks for getting back to me so soon. It seems that your essay is almost right on the mark. It is important that we whittle it down to the most relevant information about you, in relation to the expectations of the prompt. Like I said, you should not make reference to Duke in the list since they want to know about you and any reference to Duke in the essay could be considered simply sucking up. Specially when you say "Go Duke!", it just sounds too cheesy and forced. The reference to Starbucks, make sure you complete the information by telling the reader what that single sentence description is. Otherwise, it leaves the reader hanging. The information about about the stock market, your being the first to get into Duke MMS in your family, the Duke Chapel, and how you will be in Durham when your friends will be elsewhere, are not really the kind of information that will help your list. Review my advice above and try to follow the suggested listing. You should see a big difference between the two lists almost immediately.

Graduate / A list if 25 random lists of Duke MMS (Still unfinished) [8]

Rolland, what exactly is the complete prompt you are creating the list for? It would be easier for me to decide which portions to remove if I knew what the list should contain. In general though, there are a number of things in your list that I believe do not be there because, if I am right, you should be listing 25 random things about you and not the university. I could be wrong but from the information you have listed, it seems that is the trend the prompt is looking for.

So, the first line of information that you should change are all the references to Duke in the list. Don't be a suck up in this list. The list should be about interesting information regarding you as a person. Leave your fixation with Duke out of it. This is an interview. Your chance to tell the reviewer about little known facts, eccentricities, and abilities that you may not have had a chance to present in the common app prompts. Don't waste your only opportunity, your only chance to let them know who you really are. Drop the reference to Donald Trump as well. What exactly does that say about you? Exactly. It doesn't so why is it here? Remove all references to topics that do not relate directly to you.

Think about more important information about you instead of the majority of trivial references you make in this list. For example, there is no need for the reviewer to know how long your relationship has been on. That has nothing to do with your character, talents, and other unique abilities that have the potential to help you change the Duke student landscape. Think, what about me can make me a standout student on campus? Then start working on your list.

Now, make sure to present the list in chronological order. Also, don't forget to group the listing according to priority. So, start with your family background, then your friends, your interests, your talents, your abilities, and so on, and so forth. If you list everything by group, you can pick out your top 5 per group and then use that to fill your list.

My advice might change depending upon the actual prompt but I think it will vary only a little and we are on the right track if you decide to follow my suggestions. I can adjust the directions as soon as I know the actual prompt requirements. I hope you can post it soon.

Undergraduate / Helping elderly using new technologies. Statement of objective, MIT graduate school [11]

Zhang, attach a copy of your abstract and line graph, as printed out from the website to your statement. Indicate that you have attached the pertinent data from its source in your essay for their verification. They might have a way of accessing research gate from their end that you do not know about. It is worth a short don't you think? I really believe that the information will increase your chances of admission greatly.

With regards to your area of interest, yes, you should only present one focal interest for your research. As for the other aspects related to this, you can mention that you wish to continue the research on Wireless Health Sensing in cooperation with the professor. Your reason being that the work of that professor on the 3 aspects (mention those at that point) ties in directly with the updated or increased research that you wish to undertake while at the university.

By offering the information in such a manner, you further strengthen your claims for the purpose of your higher study and your expected research results for practical application upon graduation.

Graduate / SOP for PhD computer science with emphasis on machine learning [2]

Mohamed, when you are writing a PhD statement of purpose, your educational information should focus more on what you learned in graduate school rather than giving a run down of your college education, interests, and eventual career shift. It is understood that when you are applying to PhD school, that you have at least 5 years work experience under your belt. All of which should be relevant to your current or increasing interest in Machine Learning.

As for your research experience, you do not need to present all 3 in the statement. You need to only present your most impressive research. It would help if the research had been published so that you can refer to yourself as an authoritative and published participant in this field. Published work will also add to the validity of your application because that information can be verified and reviewed by the reviewer as part of additional consideration for your application.

In your concluding remarks, do not refer to a dream from your childhood in reference to your plans for your career in this field. Instead, simply say that you have always dreamed of excelling in this field. Reviewers do not believe and are never impressed by claims of childhood dreams. Mostly because as a child, your influences, in this case comic books and sci-fi books cannot be considered real influences on the ambitions and dreams of a person later on in life.

Undergraduate / My greatest talent or skill: Dance/Choreography. Why is this meaningful to you? [3]

Elaine, I find that your essay was misled in direction by the opening statement that you presented. That is because you downplayed your dance skills and chose instead to speak of how you have worked hard to improve your talent. Rather than opening with that statement, you should consider opening with the second paragraph instead. That is because the second paragraph has a more literary way of presenting your positive and inspiring response to the prompt. The first paragraph doesn't accomplish that and does not help to move your essay forward in any manner. Therefore, it is my opinion that you can delete that paragraph.

Now, the second to the last statement that you have in your essay doesn't help to support the prompt requirements. In fact, it talks about something that is not being asked for in the provided instructions. Therefore, it should not be found in this essay. Exactly, you have you remove those two sentences because there should never be any prompt deviation in your response. Keep the focus only on the topic provided for discussion. That way when you present the lesson paragraph at the end, the whole sentiment and understanding of what you are explaining comes across clearly to the reviewer.

Essays / What would you say is your greatest talent or skill? - UC Prompt - brainstorm [5]

TL, reverse the presentation. Make the second paragraph content your first paragraph instead because the data you will be presenting immediately responds to the prompt question. However, you will need to present more real world information as to how and why this talent because vital to you. Aside from being the default tech specialist in the family and teaching children, what other important real world applications, one that the reviewer should take note of, should the reviewer know about?

Your third paragraph is not necessary at the moment. the prompt is not asking you why this skill or talent is important to others. It is important for the reviewer to understand why YOU consider this your greatest talent or skill. So the rest of the essay should focus solely on how your talent has helped you academically and socially. Don't remove the focus from you. Discuss other people or activities only if it will help to further enhance your skill in the overall presentation.

This is not the kind of essay that needs to be over complicated in response. A simple and direct representation of the talent or skill, along with its importance to you is all the information that you are required to represent in your work. Nothing more, nothing less.

Writing Feedback / Short piece of writing on 'The Negative Impacts of Winter Season' [6]

Soha, in order to improve your essay, you first need to learn how to outline your discussion. List down the following information in a separate sheet:

1. Your topic title
2. The reason you want to write about this topic (also known as a thesis statement)
3. topics for discussion
4. Supporting reasons and other relevant data
5. Concluding statement

Basically, you need to sort out what it is that you want to discuss in the essay in order to give it a tighter focus, create a more coherent discussion, and also prevent the fragmented sentences in your presentation. That can be done by first outlining your discussion and then working on the actual presentation after.

Undergraduate / 'my outlet to express myself' - FIT Fashion Merchandising and Management Major Fall 2017 [2]

Sophia, I have some points for your consideration regarding your presentation of information in the essay. First of all, I really do not see any reference to a foundation in Fashion Merchandising in your essay. There is however, a reference to fashion design. However, since that is not your chosen major, the story you told about your designing a t-shirt becomes irrelevant. You need to make sure that you present the development of your interest and experience in the world that you wish to join for your career. So the focus of your essay should center on fashion merchandising. Something about you having a flair for fashion and helping your friends to pick the right clothes to the dance or parties should better reflect a keen interest and development in the field of fashion merchandising. You will definitely have needed to know how to sell the fashion to your friends in order to get them to purchase it so that would be right up the job description of a fashion merchandiser. That will also help to explain why you feel that you are a perfect candidate as a FIT student.

Next, your reason and influence for wishing to pursue a career in fashion is tepid and weak. No reviewer will believe that you developed such a strong interest simply by collecting the mail of your neighbor. There wasn't even reference to you speaking to your neighbor over a period of time and allowing her influence to rub off you which is why you chose a similar career to hers. The spelling of mannequins is wrong in your essay so you should correct it to the spelling I am using in this sentence. Finally, just because FIT is located in New York, that doesn't mean that it is the school for you or that you are a fit for the school. You need to show an academic connection to the school at the very least. An interest in their training programs, or similar offerings will be acceptable reasons for the reviewer to believe that you just might succeed as a FIT student.

Scholarship / What to do next, when I lose the scholarship? I would not let this weight me down. [5]

Farouq, your opening sentiment is out of place in the essay. Since this is a word limited statement, you should open the response directly with the explanation of what you will do if you don't get the scholarship. A single paragraph statement should actually suffice for your answer. My suggestion would be to develop your plan of action in the following manner:

Coming from a family that values education even though we have never been financially stable enough to do so, I would have to say that, in the event I do not get this scholarship, nothing will change for me. Over the next four years, I will still strive to gain the best education that I can because that is what I want to achieve in my life. I will work even harder in order to attain my academic ambitions. So, I will continue to work as a staff member of a computer training firm while saving up for school and helping to defray costs at my family's home. I will also continue to look into other scholarship programs that may be interested in helping me to fulfill my dreams of attending higher education learning centers. In the words of Martin Luther King, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy". I will not give up on my dreams nor will I be weighed down by it. Instead, I will use the next four years to continue working towards the realization of my life ambitions and plans.

Do you see the difference in the two versions of the statement? You have your version which is somewhat scattered in presentation and lacking in cohesiveness. The version I developed for you is more in tune with the expected response to the prompt. You can either use that version as a sample for your own new statement version or just use what I wrote for you. That should help you better respond to the prompt.

Undergraduate / We want to get to know you better. Description by a friend. Colgate University Supplemental Essay [4]

Cassie, based upon your description in the statement, your character trait should be described more as opinionated than honest. The way that you describe your being blunt and frank in the way that you present your subject matter, and the way your friends react to it more closely resembles an opinionated person rather than an honest person. You see, it is possible to be honest without being blunt and frank to the point of being hurtful to the emotions, sentiments, and beliefs of other people. An opinionated person, which you describe in your essay, doesn't care how he gets his opinion across as long as he gets to say what he wants. Don't mistake being opinionated for being honest. Those are two different descriptions that are often mistaken for one another. Aside from my concern about that particular trait as described in your statement, the rest of the revisions work well in representing your more casual and friendly side to the reviewer. So I would keep the rest of the essay intact and just pay attention to a possible revision of the portion that I pointed out above.

Graduate / Better choices through experience and practice; Motivation Letter for Master - Computer Science [3]

Zeke, this sounds more like a personal statement than a motivation letter. A motivation letter should contain just that, the motivation for your interest in attending this internship program. Rather than telling your academic story from the very beginning, you should be focused on showing the current status of your interest in the field. Normally, the motivation part comes from your desire to not only learn about new information or techniques through the program, it also comes from your desire to further your own research interests in the field. Portray a concentration or a field of study that you hope to delve into while a student in the program. Make sure to connect this interest to your previous major as an Information Engineer as I am sure you can do. The motivation should come from combining those two interests into one result or pursuit on your end.

The motivation letter need not delve on the history of your academics. Keep the information current and relevant only to the necessary skills or academic completion that will help you attain your goals while pursuing this masters course. It would help if you could refer to your career progression as part of your motivation. That way you can present a short term and mid term career goal for yourself as part of your motivation to attend the program.

A number of revisions are in the works for you with regards to this essay. You will need to make those adjustments in order to ensure that you better respond to the prompt requirements. Good luck with your revisions. I am here to help you any time you need me to.

Scholarship / What to do next, when I lose the scholarship? I would not let this weight me down. [5]

Farouq, the first paragraph is really not important to the response for this statement. You have a pretty strong introduction to your response in the current second paragraph. You should delete the first paragraph and use the second one instead to represent your plans should you lose the scholarship. However, I would like to caution you about seemingly telling the reviewer that you will be giving up on your dream in some sort of way. These sorts of prompts often allow you to present an avenue for discussion with the reviewer by having you offer up unique or standard ideas regarding how you will pursue a college degree. They want to see a "never say die" attitude in this case. You should prove that you will do whatever it takes to complete your education, even if it takes me a number of years longer because you failed to get the scholarship. The reviewer wants to know if you have a "get up and go" attitude that will help you succeed in the world even if you have to go it alone for some reason. Strengthen your essay by showing your inner strength instead of sounding so defeatist in your statement. Let the reviewer know that you will not give up on your dreams just like that.

Undergraduate / Human resource management answer - your specific concentration areas of interest [4]

Nazia, your response is a bit off track here. It would be wise if you were to remove the references to the possible career government positions that you have indicated in your statement. These positions are not part of the required curriculum and will not help the university match your college programs with your interests. Instead, you should build up a 2 paragraph response that indicates the line of study you wish to pursue, indicating specific classes or research whenever possible, and the possible applications that you look forward to using in Pakistan. That way, your interests in Human Resource Management can be matched with your potential actions as an HRM in your home country, which in turn will allow the university to tailor a class program for you to enroll in this upcoming semester. That is what the college hopes to be able to do to help you out with your class choices and college studies during the regular term.

Undergraduate / We want to get to know you better. Description by a friend. Colgate University Supplemental Essay [4]

Cassie, here is the thing. You are still not describing yourself in an informal method. The way that your friends know you outside of the rigors of academic training. The essay is giving you an opportunity to describe who you are as a person, as a friend, and as a confidante. You are not being asked for the way that your friends would describe the academic you. Get away from that mindset for now and relax. Show the reviewer exactly who you are beyond the classroom and your academic interests. Did you read your essay once over? Did you notice how your descriptions still centered on the academic side? That is the side that you should not be presenting at the moment. Do you know that your description sounds too automated to the point that it is obvious that you are still responding for yourself and your friends opinion of you is not actually being represented it in the statement? Well, I am telling you that this is exactly what is happening in your statement. You have to veer away from this mindset and show the private and friendly side of your personality. This is supposed to be written from the point of view of your friends so I suggest you go direct to the source for this one. Ask your friends to describe you in 3 words to yourself. Then have them explain why. Use that information to write the paper. Don't try to answer for them, let them answer for themselves.

Undergraduate / Helping elderly using new technologies. Statement of objective, MIT graduate school [11]

When you mention that your research findings were accepted by an international conference and later a journal, you need to cite the name of the conference and the date it took place as well as where. Then indicate the publication information of the journal where you were published because the reviewer will definitely want to verify those facts for accuracy. All of your information that relates to recognition and publication must be backed up by verifiable data for verification. As for your area of study, wouldn't it be simpler to just say that your interest is in wireless health sensing instead of mentioning all 3 involved aspects? That makes it sound like you still want to study three different MS classes in my opinion. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. Regarding the health monitor watch, you should add more information regarding the process of the research and the final result. That is what will prove that you are ready for the intricate world of grad school. It will show that you are capable of working on highly complex problems with minimal supervision. The total essay has improved in factual presentation. I hope that by doing some minor adjustments, we can further work on polishing it for final submission.

Undergraduate / The exam day had arrived. Personal Essay for Common App [3]

Akankysha, I think that your essay is running a bit too long when it doesn't need to be. Your first and second paragraphs can actually be shortened to simply represent the event and then how you felt after it happened. that way you can focus more on the real topic of the essay which is the lesson that you learned from the failure. The first and second paragraphs can be merged in the following manner:

I was crushed by the failing grades that I got in my final CIE. As I rushed home on the day the results were released, I could not help but think about what a big failure I was. How did I mess up my exams so badly? Am I a complete failure? ...

By merging the two paragraphs, you will end up focusing the essay on how you felt early on in the essay and be able to move on to the lesson you learned much faster. One thing you have to clarify in the essay though, did you have to retake the test? Is the narrative about the exam day that arrived dealing withe your second take of the test? That part is a bit confusing and needs to be clarified. Once you clean up that point, we can work on reviewing and editing the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, here is the thing about writing services. They always try to change your voice to their voice. That means, they tell you what they want to see in the essay because that is how they would have written it. I never alter the voice of the student in the essay for a number of reasons.

My first reason, is that the essay should always reflect your personality. That includes how you think, how you talk, and how you express yourself. This common app prompt is a preliminary interview that will allow you to show the reviewer the way you think, act, and speak to a certain degree. Being a preliminary interview, the essay and its voice, should accurately represent you. Therefore, the way you wrote the essay is how you sound and represent yourself and should therefore not be altered to suit the idea of the writing service critic.

My second reason is with regards to why I do not wish to alter much of what you wrote. While I do agree that you can shorten the presentation leading up to the flea market, your narrative might suffer without the backstory. Now, if you can figure out how to create a more personal relationship between why you decided to join the flea market then the backstory can be adjusted. Right now, it sounds like you just wanted to clean out your closet, which is not a bad reason to have for joining a flea market. Maybe, if you can explain why you wanted to join the market, like say, wishing to donate the money to charity or something, then the disappointment that you felt when you had to pay the stand fee will have more of an impact.

Finally, I will leave you with a word of advice. As I always tell the students here, we can help you develop the essay and we can help you make it as perfect as it can be, in your eyes. We cannot and should never, dictate the content of your essay. If you are happy and confident in the way you represent yourself and your story in the current form of the essay, then that is the version that you should use. That is the personality and character you are comfortable showing to the reviewer and nobody should alter that self representation for any reason. Be true to who you are on paper.

Let me make one thing clear, there is no right or wrong way to write an essay. There is no perfect common app essay either. Nobody really knows what kind of writing style will catch the eye of the reviewer. The only thing that you can be sure of, is that your first paragraph needs to be so interesting, the reviewer will find himself compelled to finish reading your essay. The reason he will consider your application all depends upon him. Reviewers do not look for uniform information in an essay and anybody who says there is a secret formula to getting the attention of the reviewer through the essay is wrong. The essay is not the only application requirement being considered. There are other pertinent documents that will be assessed along with your essays. Therefore, you should keep your voice in the essay and present it in the best way you know how.

If you want me to help you edit the content of the essay because that is what you want to do, then I will help you do that. You tell me which parts you feel are weak and we will work on developing it. You can't rely of the writing service to properly represent you because they have no idea regarding the kind of personality that you want to have shine through in the prompt. The final content and message of the essay is yours to choose. Our job, is just to guide you towards the image you want to project in this written interview.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Topic : "All too often, companies hire outside consultants to suggest ways for the [7]

In terms of quality of ideas, you won't score more than a 2 because you offer conflicting ideas in your essay. In your opening statement, you take the side that the company should listen to their employees. Then throughout the body of your essay, you discuss the importance of hiring consultants for the company benefit in comparison with listening to the employees. You do not defend your stance that the company should listen to their employees opinion in any paragraph. Then, in your conclusion, you again change your mind and say that the idea of listening to a consultant should be on a case to case basis. You need to pick a side and make sure to develop the essay within the vein the prompt provides.

Organization would clock in at a 3. Your discussion is poorly organized because you could not decide on which side you actually wished to support in your essay. Due to your confusion, your discussion suffered and could not reflect a proper flow of thought.

The writing style and grammar would probably have to settle for a score of 1. You have not shown a solid writing style and the lack of properly worded sentences make it difficult for the reader to decipher your true intentions behind the paragraph.

Your summary would score no higher than an A2 as your summary was affected by the way that you discussed the essay in totality. your summary doesn't reflect the kind of discussion that you are providing.

BTW, next time, please include the complete and original prompt for our reference. That way we can more accurately score your essay. I did not score you in increments as there are some other criteria that the examiner will be considering or recognizing in your essay that I may have missed. I am just offering you a base score for each section of grading at this point.

Undergraduate / Illegal. Undocumented. Invisible. Vulnerable. I am a DREAMER - Common App essay [3]

Michelle, I can sense the emotions that you have placed into developing this essay. You have laid yourself out on a limb here by telling your story in such an in-depth manner. I am worried though that you may be trying to present too much information in an essay that need not be so informative. A tendency to present too much information can and will always lead to an essay that is over the word limit. Therefore, I would like to know the actual parameters of the essay prompt that you are trying to respond to. Once I know specifically the type of prompt you are trying to relate to, I will be able to better assess which parts should be taken out, for the word requirement, and which parts should just be shortened or better presented in order to better deliver your prompt response. It is easy to make the essay more prompt adherent, provided we know what the requirements of your essay are. I hope you can post the prompt soon in order to allow us a chance to properly review and edit your essay with you.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for graduate study in electrical engineering [3]

Rasham first and foremost, never refer to a scholarship as free money. That is the wrong concept of a scholarship and will make it seem like all that matters to you is the money the scholarship will provide. Which, in all honesty is true of all applicants, but should never be broadcast as an actual statement to the scholarship reviewer. Kindly omit that statement in your essay. It does not come across in a good light.

Your desire for the scholarship utilizes reasons that are so tired, old, and oft repeated to the scholarship reviewers of all foundations. My suggestion is this, try to think out of the box this time. Look up the scholarship grant that you are applying to, work on presenting your personal goals in a manner that embodies the scholarship mission, objectives and/or values. That way your personal goal becomes far more reaching and inclusive than just the electrical engineering graduates of tomorrow.

Am I right in assuming that you are pursuing this scholarship for graduate school? That is the implication I am receiving from the statement you made about wishing to help the other graduates attend higher education. Therefore, your scholarship goals should be more specific than the current blanket statement. Discuss instead how this scholarship will help you become a better engineer as you can focus all of your concentration and efforts on researching a specific project or field of study while in school.

Explain what results you hope to achieve through the research and then tell them that the only way you can achieve the goal of completing your academic higher studies, along with revolutionizing your field of work, is by utilizing the opportunity that a scholarship provides. That way the essay responds in a more original manner than you currently have.

Undergraduate / Helping elderly using new technologies. Statement of objective, MIT graduate school [11]

Zhang, the second paragraph that you have written can be omitted in my opinion. That is because it does not have a directly related discussion to the prompt requirements. It serves as nothing more than a page filler, which is unnecessary since you have more important and relevant discussions to present and improve upon in the essay. You can use the extra space and word count for those areas instead.

For example, you make numerous mentions of the research work that you did in various fields related to the Internet of Things. Yet, you never actually tell the reviewer the results of these research projects. You need to present the results in order to help prove that you have the ability to not only compete, but also succeed in the cut throat competition world of graduate school at MIT.

You seem to be equally proud of all the research you have done during your academic career. However, the essay would like you to highlight one or two of the most notable accomplishments that you have. I suggest that you choose your two most difficult but highly recognized research projects of yours. One that brought you to the attention of someone or caused your publication in a related journal. Something that tells the reviewer that you are up and coming talent in this field of yours.

So far, the essay only needs more topic development than actual editing. I would like you to consider opting for only one particular field of interest to present to the reviewer. Your choices are too broad at the moment and this could result in an unfocused career path for you. What you have to do at this point is try to narrow yourself down to only one field of specialized interest so that the reviewer can better analyze the relevance of your research projects and its results in relation to your chosen course of higher study.

Writing Feedback / There is no reason for humans to mistreat or kill animals. They need to be protected by law. [2]

Merci, because of the fact that you repeated the paraphrasing of the prompt twice and then did not properly discuss the essay, you actually cannot score higher than a 1 in terms of the Task Requirement. Which also means, that you will not score higher than a 1 in the Grammar Accuracy along with Coherence and Cohesion. These dismal scores are all because you failed to follow the prompt requirements that dictated you discuss the two opinions as presented in the prompt, along with your personal opinion in the essay. All you presented, from the beginning to the end of the essay are facts based upon your personal opinion. Thus proving to the examiner that you do not understand the prompt instructions. Which in turn results in the realization that you are unable to write a proper English essay due to limited comprehension abilities. I'm so sorry about this. I hope you will do better with your succeeding practice tests. I look forward to seeing your improvement. I am hoping this was only a one time mistake on your part and that it will not happen again, for your sake.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, I can't help but smile as I read your essay. It is a far improved version of the draft that we had been working on. There is a more personal feel to the writing. Your sense of reflection has allowed the reader an inside look into the emotions that you felt that day. The lesson that you learned, while others would deem a failure, definitely comes across as a successful activity in your part. How else can we quantify the lessons that you learned and the experiences that helped you to realize that there was a clear earning on your part. Sure it was not monetary in value. It has a far deeper and personal value than any amount of cash in the world. You learned about getting your joy from helping others or sharing the joy you once had with them through the ownership of your previously "loved" items. Good work. The essay really comes across as an easy read and leaves the reader feeling good after completely reading about your "misadventures" at the flea market. For an application essay, I believe the reviewer will see the other side of you, the side that sees a glass half full rather than half empty and that is a trait that will definitely help you succeed during your college life.

Writing Feedback / Ielts academic writing task 2: What is an ideal society? How people can achieve it? [4]

Hi Nguyen, let me start by offering you a possible band score for your Task Accuracy. Due to lack of proper paraphrasing of the original prompt, I believe that your score for that section of the test will only be a 5. The reason being there is a lack of clear overview. As for the coherence and cohesion part, you could probably get either a 5 or 6. In my opinion, your work is a clear six because you were able to arrange your thoughts in a logical and coherent discussion manner. However, the cohesion has problems at times because you are trying to discuss too many ideas in one paragraph. Separating the discussion ideas into separate paragraphs could create a more coherent and cohesive discussion on your part. Now, for the Lexical Resource, I think you will get another 5 because your language is simple enough to get your explanations across but not complex enough to show a higher English grammar ability. Finally, with regards to the Grammar Range and accuracy, you could score either a 5 or 6 again. You do make some grammatical errors in both structure and punctuation but luckily, the errors are not so major that it detracts from the ideas you are presenting. Your sentences and paragraphs are still understandable in its simplest form. Keep in mind that my scores are just estimates of what you could possible get in an actual test. The actual reviewer may have a different point of view from mine and thus, the scores you get will be different and more official in terms of rating your work in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Solutions and cause of the loss of bio-deversity [3]

George, please note that for lexical resource purposes, you should always spell out the information in the essay. That includes references to the centuries. You currently have it written at 20-th century. The proper numerical reference would be 20th century. However, for the purposes of showing your vocabulary abilities, spell it out as twentieth century. There is also the problem of the way that you spelled the term "proceses", the correct spelling is "processes". Also, global warming should not be capitalized as this is not a proper noun but rather a descriptive action. Only proper nouns are capitalized. The same rule applies to the north pole. It is a location and therefore, need not be treated like a proper noun. Pay attention to your conclusion. The lack of a period at the end of the final sentence makes it seem like you are still typing up some information but then accidentally hit the submit button. Don't make that mistake in the actual test because it will affect your grammatical accuracy rating for this specific test.

Writing Feedback / The picture reveals the steps of processing of chocolate using cacao beans. IELTS-W-1 [4]

Syeda, congratulations on writing up a very accurate and understandable illustration summary. Your opening statement was pretty clear and gave the reader a logical representation of the discussion that is to follow. One thing though, in the second paragraph you used the same wording to explain the first step in the process as the sentence in the opening statement, In order to show a larger lexical resource, try to paraphrase or present in an original sentence the content of your essay, even when you have already previously presented the information. You want to score as highly as possible in terms of vocabulary and word usage in order to increase your final score. Your overall work in this essay summary shows your growth as a writer and a higher degree of analysis and grasp of the English language in relation to your written work. Excellent work. Keep it up !

Scholarship / I participated in the Science-Technology-Engineering-Mathematics Outreach program Debre Birhan Univ. [2]

Harvey, you mistook the topic of the essay. You are not being asked for an event in your life that inspired you. You are being asked to pick a person or a movement that has inspired you to reach for higher goals in the future. So, for an inspirational figure, you can either look at historical figures for reference. Think of someone who has inspired you to strive for something better in your life. Or someone who influenced your mindset to believe in a certain cause. The latter one combines both the inspirational figure and movement, which would make for a better essay topic in this case. For a movement, you can look into the historical movements such as the opposition to the Vietnam war, support or non-support for the war in Iraq, or something similar. Reflect on the past influences in your life and try to pick out someone whose life has inspired you to take action or whose beliefs have led you to a cause. This person need not be from a particular country. You can always explain the history of the person and his cause if you have to. There is room in the essay for that.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary : 'Moana', not your typical Disney Princess [5]

Nda, you should have made some mention about the conflict in the movie that led to the adventures of Moana. This was clearly explained and pointed out in the article that you read. Also, each character in the movie, important characters related to her adventure both on and off the island were mentioned. You should have detailed the supporting characters as well. More importantly, you did not mention the demigod who helped Moana during her adventure and also helped to present a lesson in the story. In order to properly depict the summary of the article, all of these elements need to have been present. You also need to pay attention to the plural form of words, anytime you mention 2 people who do the same work, such as the men who helmed this movie, you should use the plural form. Hence director should have been directors.