Undergraduate / struggling with admission essay question. [2]

Greetings!

These are good questions! I think a paragraph on your strengths, with examples to back them up, a paragraph on your weaknesses (doesn't have to be as long! ;-)) and perhaps combining your motivation with what separates you from other applicants -- that might work well. Then another paragraph for the final question about HU, which can probably also serve as your conclusion.

If, after writing it, you feel it's too all-over-the-place, you can always try combining paragraphs, but it seems to me that if you are answering the specific questions asked, you will be right on target.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Genocide Essay [2]

Greetings!

Well, you certainly make some valid points here! You don't say what the exact assignment was. I'm a little unclear on what the thesis of your essay is. It seems to be "Genocide is bad. How could anyone commit genocide? I have no idea." Whatever the assignment was intended to accomplish, make sure that it does so.

I like the way you start with the "struggling artist ends up in homeless shelter and becomes cold-blooded dictator" bit. However, you throw in "the fear for you own safety and the belief that your race, religion or life choice is superior over that of someone else" without explanation. How do you know this? Where did these beliefs come from? How did Hitler arrive at these beliefs?

I also like the anecdote about the neighbor sending the thugs next door, but again, the transition to talking about it being "a flaw in most humans" is rather abrupt. From the action in the neighbor's house to suddenly talking about the psychology of human beings seems almost as if there are two different papers going on here.

Perhaps if I knew exactly what instructions you were given with regard to the assignment, I could give you more direction. These are the impressions I can give you now.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Themes in Macbeth: Consequences of Corruption [11]

You make a good point -- more member input would be great! Why not think of it like this: the moderators have their role and the members have theirs as well. While you might get somewhat more technical advice from a moderator, student input can be very helpful, as it comes from a different perspective. It's been many a year since I was an undergrad (or a graduate/professional school student, for that matter), and sometimes it can be helpful to hear what someone in your own situation has to say.

And I'd certainly never claim to have all the answers!

Thank you for your comments. :-))

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / History Paper on Revolutions [3]

Greetings!

First, let me say you've done an excellent job here. Very good work! I'll make a few suggestions and try to help with the sentences you pointed out.

"better engineered roads" - should probably be "better-engineered roads"

"coining the idea of a 'traditional family.' " - I've heard of coining a phrase, but not of coining an idea. Also, surely the roles of men working outside the home and women working within the home existed long before the Industrial Revolution?

"in the Western society" - you use this phrase several times. The accepted way to say it would be "in Western society."

"The Declaration of Independence justified the right of the governed people" - I'm not sure "justitifed" is the correct word here. What about "proclaimed" or "established"?

"The American Revolution had a fundamental impact on political views by spreading and encouraging republican ideals both nationally and to the rest of Europe. The revolution's social impact was minor. Despite the upturn of a local government over a distant one, there was essentially no notable change in the life of the common people. These two sentences are awkward. How can I incorporate the idea of these two sentences while keeping the flow from the previous sentence? "

OK, how about this:

"The American Revolution had a fundamental impact on political views by spreading and encouraging republican ideals both nationally and throughout Europe. The revolution's social impact, however, was minor. Replacing a distant government with a local one brought about no notable change in the lives of the common people."

"The Russian Revolution of 1917 was another movement that promoted equality, though more economically than politically." - If you are describing the type of equality that was promoted, say "...movement that promoted equality, though more economic than political."

Your writing is very good! I think you should be in excellent shape, grade-wise. Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Correct word use? "Without a leader to guide our people..." [4]

Greetings!

Good questions! To your first one, I should first point out that the word is "populace" not "populance." Second, "loose grains" is plural and requires a matching verb: "are" instead of "is." Now, let's look at the sentence as a whole. Since you refer to them as "our people," it would sound better to say "we": "Without a leader to guide our people, we would be like loose grains of sand that are easily washed away by the tide." To me, that sounds best. :-)

Now then, a liberal arts expert. Hm, that's a puzzler. "Liberal arts" can include languages, literature, history, philosophy, mathematics, and science, so it's hard to imagine one person being an expert in ALL those things. I'd have to see it in context before I could give you a good catch-all term. My suspicion is that it might be better to be less general and more specific.

If you'd like to post what you are working on, I'd be happy to see what I can come up with.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "ART IS A FORM OF PROBLEM SOLVING"- Undergrad SOP/ Graphic Design [2]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay -- congratulations! I have just a few suggestions to make it even stronger.

You could strengthen your opening by making the reference to your teacher more immediate, like this:

"Art is a form of problem-solving," my high school art teacher said. "But unlike math, in art there is never a single correct solution." He aimed his pencil toward the class, pointing at each student in turn. "Each one of us has a chance to create solutions." My interest in art and design has continued to grow since that time.

See how making it like a story draws the reader in? And the sentence which follows the action flows naturally from the story, rather than abruptly switiching gears to say "My interest in art and design has continued to grow since I was quite young"

A couple of editing suggestions, too:

"planning and organizing of elements of art in such a way which is best to accomplish a certain purpose" - would be better as "planning and organizing artistic elements in a way which best accomplishes a certain purpose"

"majoring in the Graphic Design course" - say "majoring in graphic design"

"characteristics required for a design success" - take out "a"

"not only gain first hand experience, but a major plus point would be" - when you say "not only" you should follow with "but also" -- but since you did that in the previous sentence, you could just say "I would gain first-hand experience and benefit from the rich cultural and ethnic diversity."

"carry a notebook for our recording purpose" - better might be "carry a notebook to record our observations."

"16 hours exam was always very demanding in patience and tested our persistence. " - should be "sixteen-hour exam was always very demanding of our patience and tested ..." although it might sound better to say "our demanding sixteen-hour exam tested our patience and persistence ..." Using "lengthy sixteen-hour" is redundant.

"I have also experimented book jacket covers" - I think you left out "with" after "experimented"

"It would infuse the knowledge needed to cope" - Avoid the passive voice. Consider instead saying something like "I would gain the knowledge needed to cope"

"as taught by Savannah in order to" - put a comma after "Savannah"

"the people themselves - the viewers and the listeners - the target." This is something of a judgment call, but I think it should be "the people themselves -- the viewers and the listeners: the target.

Very good job. Good luck with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'Eleven' - A personal response essay about a short story [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some feedback! I think I see what your professor is saying about the opening paragraph. It lacks cohesion and is a bit confusing. I think you could leave off the first sentence entirely; the second sentence sounds like a good way to start. The following two sentences are where I lost you a bit (particularly not having read the story). If you were to describe a bit more clearly what happened with the sweater, it might flow better. "The story aptly illustrates the importance of image to a young girl and the frustration and humiliation she faces in the light of unfair accusations" or something like that.

Here are a few grammatical hints, with corrections in bold:

the way she establishes certain parts of the story

at the end of the fifth paragraph

This makes her writing style very effective

relate with the main character the way most readers can with Rachel

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "My weekend" - essay writing ideas [2]

Greetings!

The hardest part about writing is getting started! First of all, give yourself permission to just get something down on paper (or screen) without worrying about how good it is. If you can write about any weekend in your life, choose one where something fun or unusual happened. If you need to write about your most recent weekend, where not a lot was going on, you'll want to make it interesting by the details you include.

In any writing, including details that paint a picture and draw the reader into your story will make reading it a pleasurable experience. For example, you could just say, "It was a typical weekend. I ate breakfast, then went to the mall and bought a sweater." Ho hum! How boring is that?

So, jazz it up with some good description and metaphor: "I woke up with a growl in my stomach worthy of a bear emerging from hibernation. Breakfast was sausage and eggs for me -- I needed strength for the coming battle: Saturday at the mall. I could feel that glorious, pink cashmere sweater calling my name and knew I could resist its siren song no more."

See the difference? It's all in the details. Once you've gotten a draft ready, I'd be happy to have a look at it for you. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Once I was....., now I am..... - Essay [3]

Greetings!

I like this kind of assignment, because it gives you the chance to be creative -- and even humorous. There are several ways to do this. You could go for contrast:

Once I was a shopaholic, now I am broke.
Once I was an optimist, now I am a realist.

Or use words in a humorous way:

Once I was delusional, now I'm institutional.
Once I was static, now I'm electric.
Once I was a mushroom, now I am a fun guy.
Once I was always right, now I am still always right. :-)

Hope these ideas will get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with Law and Contracts Assignment! [5]

Greetings!

The almighty Sarah thanks you! And you're in luck, because I know a little about arbitration. :-) Here are a few of the advantages:

1. Cost - As everyone knows, litigation is horribly expensive. Paying a good attorney hundreds of dollars an hour for thousands of hours of work on litigation is a bank-breaking proposition for smaller companies and an outcome even corporate giants naturally wish to avoid. Arbitration avoids the lengthy discovery process, including depositions and interrogatories, and cuts prep time for lawyers drastically. The actual arbitration itself may be able to be done in one day, depending on the complexity of the case. From a cost perspective, it's a no-brainer.

2. Timeliness - Not only is litigation costly, it can take, literally, years to get a case to court. Court systems are overburdened, dockets clogged, and even if that weren't the case, the nature of litigation, with all its rules, statute-imposed time frames, and discovery process, is designed to be an extended event. Arbitration can shave years off the time it takes to get a conflict resolved.

3. Ease - Let's face it: nobody wants to get subpoenaed and have to go sit in a witness box and testify. It's time that could be spent much more productively and is also likely to be very stressful. With arbitration, the parties' participation is limited (no depositions or interrogatories) and the time you do spend in front of the arbitrator making your case is in a less stringent atmosphere for a shorter period of time.

4. Finality - Most arbitration is binding. When the arbitrator makes his or her decision, that's it: you're done. There's no lengthy appeals process that drags on for years and keeps the parties in limbo. This ties in with numbers 1, 2 and 3, above.

That should be enough to get you started! Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Influencing the future' - COMMON APP - Person with siginificant influence [3]

Greetings!

I think you have a great start here! I do have a few suggestions. I'm not sure I'd start out a college admission essay talking about the potty dance. If you could find a different sort of anecdote, I think it'd be a good idea. I like what you said about Ms. Slack at the end, but your reference to her seemed to come from out of nowhere. If you could start with a story about something that happened in her classroom, and then tie it in at the end with substantially the same last paragraph that you have now, it would give your piece a sense of completion.

Also, a few editing notes:

full fill = fulfill
judge-mental = judgmental
dwindled = dwindle
self motivation = self-motivation
that year, Completing two years = that year. Completing two years
After a full days of classes = After a full day of classes
arrive home at nine do my homework = arrive home at nine, do my homework

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / RESEARCH PAPER ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING; I just got into high school [4]

Greetings!

Fortunately, there is a lot of information online about global warming. It's a fairly broad topic, though, so first, you should probably decide what focus you want your paper to have. You'll want to start with a definition of global warming, of course. Then, you may want to give a brief history of the debate about global warming. For some years, many scientists maintained that it was a myth. Recently, global warming has come into mainstream thinking as more fact than theory. Depending on whether this is for a science class or some other class, you may want to discuss the scientific reasons that most people now accept global warming as a real danger. And what are the dangers? What do the people of Earth have to look forward to if global warming is not addressed? Is it too late already?

I suspect that once you start doing internet searches, you'll find many helpful sites that can get you started. Once you've got some ideas fleshed out, let me know if I can help with some more questions or editing!

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "The stangest thing i ever stole" - English Essay [3]

Greetings!

First, I'm guessing you meant "strangest"? It's a provocative title and an interesting assignment. Can it be fictional? Or does your instructor actually want you to cop to a misdemeanor (or, worse, a felony!)? ;-)) If it can be fiction, that gives you loads of leeway. You could come up with something that appeals to you, personally. For example, if you like to read science fiction, you could write about how you stole parts from an alien spaceship that crash-landed on Earth. If you prefer sports, you could write about stealing second base -- the actual base -- from Yankee Stadium.

If, on the other hand, you really are supposed to write from your life, that's a little trickier. You want to be careful what you admit to, just in case you ever run for President. ;-) Did you steal your best friend's idea for a science fair project? Your next-door neighbor's rocker/recliner remote control? The great thing about "the strangest thing" is that you can have fun with this.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Howard Community College, Essay for scholarship application [2]

Greetings!

Here are the changes I would suggest:

At 6:45 pm, after I said the last "goodbye" to my mother, I walked into the airport lounge. At 7:00 pm, the KE968 flight took off. In that moment, I left the place I had lived for seventeen years.

I saw an air stewardess hanging a "Merry Christmas" decoration on the cabin wall. Christmas had arrived. Even though that took place in China, western culture has gradually merged into this traditional country. Families became accustomed to reuniting on Christmas holidays; everyone else on this plane was going home, but me. I left my mother and was en route to another side of the world.

Now I have not seen my mother for a year. Every friend of mine here has his or her mother to be with. I always "complain" about this to my mother when I call her overseas. When someone's mother treats me like treats her daughter, I always feel thankful to her, and I start to miss my own mother. I envy my friends. I tell my mother how unfair it is to me; I want to go to the airport to buy a ticket and back to my country; I tell her I should have stayed with her, but I did not. Even though my mother is far away from me, I can always feel her love. Even though she can not support me in everything in my life, she gives me the important thing - my heart. "A daughter's heart comes from a part of her mother's heart," an old Chinese maxim says.

The reason I can still smile in front of the world, why I can still enthusiastically strive for my dream, is because of my mother. Life is about choices. My mother has given me the opportunity to either choose to enhance my future, or stay stagnate. Although the sacrifice is great, I have chosen to enhance my education. Although China offers a rigorous educational system, the American education is more appealing to a student. We are encouraged to expand our horizons, and to learn outside of the textbook world. We are taught to use what we learn in the classroom and to apply it to our daily lives.

My mother has given me an opportunity to choose. And I've chosen to be the best student I can be. Even though my days are challenging, and at times I ask myself why life must be so hard at the age of eighteen, I remember my mother's loving eyes and remember the choice I've made - the responsibilities I've taken on. Howard Community College is a prestige school with great diversity. This institution offers not only a strong educational opportunity, but also the opportunity to grow as an Asian American woman through cultural diversity and a sense of community.

Best of luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'A Night Classes program' - college application short response [5]

Greetings!

I think you have written a good essay. It starts off strong, but I think could use a little bolstering toward the end. Here are some suggestions.

"give students academic helps." - should be "help."

"I have successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help" - your verb tense is confusing. I recommend saying "I successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which provided extra help ..."

"Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person." - This could be stronger. How about "Leadership is one of the most important skills a person can have in today's world."

"contacted with many people" - say either "connected with many people" or use "contacted" and take out "with."

"when I was a president." - just say "when I was president."

"I found that listening can provide a good leadership. So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college. In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions. Listening means thinking, since I can analysis what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from others speeches. College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world." - This paragraph has some grammatical problems and is hard to follow, logically. I'd suggest a re-write something like this:

"Being a good listener is an important skill for surviving in college. Listening relates to many other things: listening relates to thinking, since, by listening, I can analyze the way others think; listening relates to speaking, because in order for people to listen to me speak, I must first be a good listener; listening relates to learning, since I can learn by listening to others. I have found that, through listening, I can provide good leadership. College is the place where I will prepare myself in this small community for a future in the larger world."

Best of luck with your college applications!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I Need Help With a Thesis Sentence for a Movie [2]

Greetings!

Before writing your thesis statement, you need to be clear on what argument(s) your essay will be making. That way, you can target your thesis to include those major points. Simply saying something like "The movie, 'A Knight's Tale,' contains many similar themes to the epic poem Beowulf, but has differences, too" is probably not going to make your instructor happy. What themes will you be discussing? What similarities do you see between the two? What differences? You might consider such things as mortality, heroism, social class, monarchial authority. How are they used in each?

Once you have decided on the direction your essay is heading, writing the thesis statement should be easier. For instance, if you wanted to talk about how the sub-plot of "courtly" or romantic love which is presented in the movie is one which was not in use during the time of Beowulf's writing, you might say something like "The movie, 'A Knight's Tale,' intertwines themes of heroism and social structure with an underlying quest for courtly love for which there was no social framework at the time the epic poem Beowulf was written."

This is only one of many possibilities. See what you can come up with!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'In the Lord of the Flies...' - Part of an Essay [4]

I think you're probably right about that. Not that it's always a bad thing to be "forced" to read something in school ... but I suspect there are books written in the last 30 years that are worthy of attention, too. ;-))

You're welcome, and good luck!

Sarah

Book Reports / 'In the Lord of the Flies...' - Part of an Essay [4]

Greetings!

I think your assessment of your work is much too harsh! I find very little about it to criticize and have only a couple of suggestions for revision:

"Simon, unlikely the other boys did not possess these faults and was therefore able to make this realization." - I think you must have meant, "Simon, unlike the other boys, did not possess these faults and was therefore able to make this realization."

"Just as the Lord of the Flies foreshadows, Simon does die in his attempt to warn the others; however, Simon was aware of the risks from the start, unfortunately, Simon's selfless characteristics resulted in him having greater concern for the other boys than for himself." - I'd suggest "Just as the Lord of the Flies foreshadows, Simon does die in his attempt to warn the others; however, Simon was aware of the risks from the start. Unfortunately, Simon's selfless characteristics resulted in his having greater concern for the other boys than for himself."

A question: are you sure "foreshadows" is the word you want? It means "to present an indication or a suggestion of beforehand." I will admit to being one of the few people in Western civilization who has never read this book. ;-) So, that may well be what you mean. But just check to make sure the Lord of the Flies was "foreshadowing" rather than "predicting." It depends whether it was more of a literary suggestion or a stated prediction by a character of a future occurrence. When you said "Just as the Lord of the Flies foreshadows" it sounds like something that was expressly stated by him.

I think you've done an excellent job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'A Night Classes program' - college application short response [5]

Greetings!

I'm sorry for the delay; the ice storm kept me from answering you sooner. If you haven't turned in your essay yet, I'd be happy to help you with editing it. Please let me know if you still need assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / What subject to choose from for business English class? [2]

Greetings!

It can certainly be more difficult to choose a topic when the options are so wide open. I would suggest thinking about the reasons you chose that major. Why do you like it? What aspects of it interest you the most? Is there a particular area that you are thinking about specializing in? Are there certain tax laws that you think should be changed, which would affect accountants? What about ethics? Occasionally, there is a news story about an accountant who mishandled his clients' funds and ended up in jail. Could you write about one of those cases, or about how to avoid ethical problems?

If none of these ideas appeals to you, I would suggest you start with making a list of all the subtopics under accounting that you can think of. Then choose one of those subtopics and see if you can narrow it down further. You'll have to do a lot of narrowing to get from a broad topic like "Business" or "Accounting" to something small enough to handle.

I hope this gives you some ideas. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / [about American people] - stuck with a sentence [3]

Greetings!

(And I apologize for the delay in getting back to you; I've been stuck in an ice storm without electricity.) That's an interesting question. It's a lot easier to come up with nicknames for specific states than the whole country. You could go with something descriptive, live "Britain's former colonists." Or, if you wanted something lighter, perhaps "Uncle Sam's offspring." (Uncle Sam is a recognized symbol for the U.S. but I added offspring to refer to its people.) You could also use 'children' or, for a slightly critical tone, 'Uncle Sam's errant offspring,' depending on the context.

I hope this helps. If I think of any more, I'll let you know!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / [about society] - Is this paragraph understandable? [3]

Greetings!

Yes, "understandable" is definitely a word! It's an adjective meaning "capable of being understood; comprehensible." If you tend to make adjectives out of verbs, it is understandable that you would ask this question. :-))

I don't find it dodgy; it makes sense to me! Just a suggestion or two:

"This is because every action has underlying motives and consequences." - I'd take out "This is because" and just start the sentence with "Every action has ..."

"the consequences of the action triggers later events." - Your subject, "consequences" is plural; use a matching verb: "trigger."

"One can't predict the future unless one knows the past." - Normally, in formal writing, we don't use contractions. Unless your instructor has told you otherwise, you should probably say "cannot" instead of "can't."

You maybe not be able to give quite the same perspective as someone who has actually been to America, but there is a lot of information online about American society. You might have to narrow it down to more specific terms in your search, such as the names of civil rights leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr. or Malcolm X, depending on the focus of your paper, since "American society" is too broad a search term.

I'm not sure if that is parallelism, as I understand the term. In rhetoric, parallelism means to give two or more parts of the sentences a similar form so as to give the whole a definite pattern. In grammar, parallelism is a balance of two or more similar words, phrases, or clauses within a sentence. Perhaps you know another definition involving paragraphs that I am not familiar with. Regardless of what you call it, I like the way your last sentence is a briefer summing-up of the first sentence.

Nice work so far!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / THE 12th CENTURY RENAISSANCE; history class essay [5]

Greetings!

You are correct that the literal meaning of the word "renaissance" is "rebirth." It comes from a French word meaning "to be born again." However, in describing what that term actually means when applied to history, saying that there was a "new interest" in art, literature and learning would certainly be accurate. It just depends whether you are talking about the origin of the word "renaissance" itself, or are explaining what kind of rebirth took place. :-)

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Gang Violence. "There will be an escalation in violence on streets" [2]

Greetings!

First I'll look at technical things like grammar, sentence structure and punctuation:

The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching its higher levels with each and every single day. - Leave out "its," you don't need it. Each and every single day is redundant and overly dramatic. Just say "The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching higher levels every day."

The newspaper in my hand with a statement from police chief "There will be an escalation in violence on streets, because of disputed drug deal between two gangs in Lower mainland".

- This sentence is a bit garbled. Are you saying that you are holding a newspaper that contains a statement by the chief? You need a verb in there somewhere, perhaps substituting "has" or "contains" for "with." You also need articles for the nouns: "the police chief," "the streets," "a disputed drug deal," "the lower mainland." Periods go inside the quotation mark in American English, but if you are in Canada, using British rules, the period goes outside if it is not part of the quote; however, here it is part of the quote, so put it inside.

The distressing part is these cons always safely get away, but most of the time are innocent bystanders who have to pay price. - You have inadvertently said that the cons are innocent bystanders. Make this two sentences: The distressing part is these cons always ["usually" would be more accurate perhaps?] get away safely. It is the innocent bystanders who pay the price.

Because usually these targeted shootings happen on public places. - This is a fragment. Say "Usually these shootings happen in public places." (I'm not sure that "targeted" shootings is appropriate.)

It could be park with innocent joggers, night time bars packed with innocent chaps happen to be there to relax and have fun after a whole day long work hard, and driveway shooting for targeted house could have hit neighbour er and walking by pedestrians . - This doesn't make a lot of sense. How about "It could be a park full of innocent joggers, a bar packed with patrons relaxing after a hard day at work, or a drive-by shooting which misses its targeted house and kills a neighbor or pedestrian."

I think only solution to this problem is by educating more and more youths about the consequeces they could face after getting into gang style life. - Better might be "The solution to this problem lies in educating young people about the consequences they could face from getting into the gang lifestyle."

Is this the whole essay? You might want to go more deeply into how the education could be accomplished. What sorts of programs are there to combat gangs? If there are none, or not enough, what needs to be done? If the essay is about proposing a solution, you might need to be just a bit more specific.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Applying for a fellowship... [7]

Greetings!

It seems to me that this essay does an excellent job of answering their questions about your experiences, interests and career goals. Very nice!

Just a few little typos and small errors to correct:

Community centers were closing; violence and teen pregnancy were on the increase; and a noticeable cycle of generational poverty was present.

and my ability to network, I began my journey [add comma]

self-esteem [remove the space]

I volunteer at local women's shelters

Walk for Hunger [if it's the official name of the walk]

I helped renovate a local school

I also helped supply

And I'd just like to add that I'm awfully glad there are people like you who care so much!

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Applying for a fellowship... [7]

Greetings!

This is an excellent essay! All it needs is just a little bit of fine-tuning and it will be perfect. I will put suggested changes in bold. If I eliminate one or more of your words, I'll put the words on either side in bold.

In my young mind, beautiful was reserved for Olympic gymnasts and figure skaters.

I spent hours re-creating

My father was an only child from an affluent family. His greatest joy was bragging about my brother and me.

more opportunities than they received

It came as no surprise that my family was ecstatic with my interest in being "beautiful." [Periods always go inside the quotation mark.]

weekly show of acrobatics

gymnastics team

I threw thoughts of being beautiful away.

"competitive edge," [Commas also go inside the quotation mark.]

viewed minorities that had numerous professional and social interests. [if you are talking about people, it might sound better to say "met minorities who had ..."

first-generation

corporate-sponsored

more responsibility than the other trainees

bigger than my job description.

women's shelters

I strive to guide and expose underserved communities to the formalities of being successful.

My goal is to provide underserved communities with guidance to define their version of being beautiful. [This change is something of a judgment call, but when I first read it, I found the repetition of "strive" a little distracting.]

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah,EssayForum.com

Essays / Hanson PLC (A) : the acquisition machine - I need help for this paper [5]

Greetings!

Since EssayForum is a public forum, where users can ask questions or make comments that will be posted publicly for the benefit of everyone who uses the site, we don't send information to private email addresses. However, if anyone who has information on this topic would like to post it here, they are welcome to do so.

Be sure to check the company's website first; a lot of valuable information can often be found there.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Applying for a fellowship... [7]

Greetings!

Don't be too hard on yourself, I think you have a good start here! You just need a good lead-in to it. Something like, "My career goals focus on providing opportunities for people in underserved communities through creation of a Community Development Center." I think I'd avoid using "own" and "operate"; to me, that sounds like a truck driver.

The sentence which starts "The center will focus on ..." is very good, but I'll just point out a couple of things. You want to say "empowering residents" (plural). Are all of the things you list a part of empowering residents? In other words, will you be empowering them to provide a safe haven for youth? If not, you need to put that in another sentence: "The center will also provide a safe haven for youth and allow them to explore educational options."

If you'd like to post the full essay here, I'd be glad to provide you with some more feedback!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'accept the greater challenge' - Review on my Essay for NCSSM [3]

Greetings!

You have written a fine admissions essay! Congratulations!

I think you said exactly what you needed to. You clearly stated your reasons for wanting to attend NCSSM, and your career goals as well. I think the fact that you have volunteered in your community and wish to continue volunteering at NCSSM will work in your favor.

The only thing I might suggest is that you consider whether the word "entranced" is exactly what you mean to say. This may be precisely what you are feeling, in which case it is fine. But to me, "entranced" has a kind of mystical connotation, which might not be the effect you want to create. That's just my personal opinion. ;-) (You might consider "fascinated" instead.)

I agree that you should format your essay as though you were turning it in on paper. That would, indeed, mean indenting your paragraphs.

Excellent job! I wish you the best of luck!

Linda, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Emerging as an artist' - Essay - Graphic Design [2]

Greetings!

You have a good start on an interesting essay here! One thing I notice is that it feels more like an essay on design than an admission essay. Rather than starting off with "Design has not been thoroughly institutionalized" what about using the quote 'To me design...is a way of discussing life,' attributing it to its author, and then equating that sentiment with your own feelings? For example, "I agree with Ettore Sottsass' view on design and its metaphorical depiction of life. This is why I want to pursue undergraduate study in visual arts, majoring in the Graphic Design course, particularly in the Pratt Institute, School of Design, in New York City." Or words to that effect.

Again, in your second paragraph, you could start off talking about yourself (the main focus of your essay): "I would like to contribute to society by communicating ideologies through my visualizations, as artists have done for millenia. The roots of contemporary graphic design are centuries old, yet have expanded over time to transform the psychological and creative lives of people," etc. You have some excellent sentences here, but I think with a little rearranging and linking, they could more smoothly address the question of why you want to attend Pratt and what you hope to accomplish from your education.

Your third paragraph has a comma you don't need in the first sentence and the second sentence is a bit too long. You might consider putting a period after "masters" and then starting the next sentence with "This would allow me the freedom to ..."

You have some intriguing thoughts here and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / What is a good title for an analysis essay? [5]

Greetings!

Well, it's a bit of a challenge to come up with a title, not having read the essays ... and especially as I haven't read either of the two works your analysis essay is about. I tend to use wordplay, unless it's inappropriate: "Springing Off the Fences" would be an example. But your essay (and professor) may be too serious for that. The best thing is often to go with a brief description of what the essay is meant to accomplish: "A Comparative Analysis of the Use of Metaphor in the Collected Works of Dr. Seuss," for example. I'm not sure what you're comparing in the two works you are dealing with, so adjust accordingly.

The second one is a little easier. "Habitat for Jamaica"; "Building Up Jamaica"; "To Make a Jamaica Home" (and if you really wanted to get cute, "Jamaican Me a Home" -- but only if your instructor has a sense of humor).

This is the best I can do without having read the essays. Hope it helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Homeschool' - Personal Statement for Common App [2]

Greetings!

I think you have a very good start here. With just a little tinkering here and there, it should be grand. Let me start first with a few technical mechanics, before we address the content.

"teachers which did not invite question." - if you mean that the teachers did not invite question, say "teachers who did not invite question."

"wrong". - In American English, the period goes inside the quotation mark (logical or not).

"I was no longer absorbing from outside, instead I was inventing from within. " - use a semicolon instead of a comma.

"iconoclastic" - is an adjective; when referring to yourself, say "iconoclast."

Now, as for making it less analytical and more exuberant ... I think the tone of the last paragraph is colored by some of your word choices. For example, "the absolute negative" sounds, well, negative. What about "polar opposite" or "antithesis"? And in this sentence: "Even worse, though, are beings which agree with only themselves and never learn from others;" again you are talking about people, so you'd say "beings who agree with only themselves." However, I find this sentence rather out of place. It sounds contradictory to what you were saying about how you learned from yourself, "inventing from within." And, again, using "Even worse" gives a negative tone to it that does not sound exuberant or glorious. Perhaps, since the bulk of what came before is only about you, introducing other "People who never build" or "beings who never learn" is too much of a detour. I'd suggest sticking with just talking about your own evolution.

I hope this gives you some ideas. I'd be happy to provide more input if you do a re-write of the last paragraph. Overall, I think it is a well-written, interesting essay!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / short essay for review for police test [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some input!

You have several nouns which require an article (a, an or the), and I've made some other suggestions:

"Providing customer service is the main responsibility for every business in the market [I'd say "marketplace"]. Customer service is not about giving a smile, assistance in finding products or putting some people at a counter with a big customer service board.

Real customer service is far more than that. I believe [take out "is"] businesses should be responsible for a purchased product for at least one year. A store should not be able to refuse to take back a product within the first year unless it has been used roughly."

I don't think many retailers would agree with your "one year rule." A lot of people might be tempted to take back everything they bought after 11 months and 29 days to trade it for a new one! Just a thought.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

Well, first off, it's best not to use a word ("only") twice in one sentence; you don't need the first one: "Victoria has been acquainted with Dwayne for only a year and a half. (You left out the "a".)

Secondly, you make an assertion that "It takes more than two years to really know a person." Where did you get this information? Is that from the story, or is it your opinion? If it's from the story, something a character has said he or she believes, then say so. For example: "She recalls George telling her that it takes more than two years to really know a person." If it's your opinion, I'd take it out, because that's a subjective assessment. Reasonable minds might differ. ;-)

One more observation: normally, in formal writing, we don't use contractions. You could say "She does not know anything about him" or "She knows nothing about him." But, does Victoria really not know "anything" about Dwayne, or would it be more accurate to say she knows very little about him? Just a thought.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

I'd go with "Victoria is pushed from one house to another until she and her baby finally seek refuge at the McPherons." Be sure to use the proper verb form.

As far as I can tell from your examples, there's nothing wrong with using the present perfect tense with present tense, especially if you are writing a review, which appears to be the case. You'd want to be more aware of mixing in past perfect ("had caused"). I'd need to see the whole essay to say for certain that the tenses were correct.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'international student and academic atmosphere' - Boston University Essay [4]

So glad we could help! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Japan anime' - Common App. (Wash U in St. Louis, Cornell, + Syracuse) [2]

Greetings!

This is a very impressive piece of writing! You have a lovely way of expression that is a pleasure to read. I have only a few very minor suggestions:

In American English, commas and periods always go INSIDE the quotation mark: "Japanese comic book," a "graphic novel," or even simply "animé." The only exception is when the sentence ends with a single number or letter: "He signed his name with an "X".

"I watch as they struggle to categorize each story into one of three categories" would sound better if you could find another word for the second usage ("categories"). What about "classifications" or "groups"?

"ninth-grade" - leave out the hyphen, unless you are using it as an adjective: "ninth-grade class."

"I like to draw Japanese animé", - remember to put the comma inside the quote.

I loved the way you paint delicate pictures with words: "the soft flutter of clean pages as they brush the tips of fingers"; "my greatest fear has been the fragility of my own memory." I predict universities will be impressed, too!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Repaying a kindness; My aunt was an epitomy of goodness. [2]

Greetings!

This is a compelling story. It just needs a little tweaking.

I lay flat on my back on the narrow cast-iron bed, thinking about my aunt. I wondered why painful memories stayed more vivid than pleasant ones. She was the person I loved the most and it was only because of her that I was alive. My aunt was the epitome of goodness.

I was infatuated with a girl in my class. Her name was Anita. She liked me, too. She was from a very prosperous family, but her father was a surly man. He didn't like my friendship with Anita. He tried to warn Anita and me many times, but we couldn't live without each other. Anita often went to the movies with me, throwing caution to the wind.

My aunt's daughter, Sonu, liked me very much. She always admired my ways and my actions. She wanted to marry me. [Add something about how you felt about Sonu, for example: "Sonu was a nice girl, but I could never feel about her the way I felt about Anita."]

One day, I was sitting in my yard, warming my hands around a mug of steaming-hot coffee, when suddenly, Anita's father appeared. He had a pistol in his hand and drew a bead on me. His eyes were full of mistrust, hate and misery. As he fired, my aunt jumped in front of me. The bullet escaped from the muzzle and struck my aunt's left arm. Anita's father fled, disappearing as quickly as he had come.

My aunt was wounded severely, and had to be taken to the hospital right away. The doctors said that she was very seriously injured and it was too late. On her death-bed, she expressed her last wish to me. She wanted her daughter to be married and live a well-settled life with her husband. After saying this she breathed her last. [This would be more effective if you actually showed her saying it.]

Life had been tough on me. I was only twenty, but I felt a hundred years old. I wanted to repay my aunt for the kindness she had shown me. She had saved me at the expense of her own life. I became headstrong and decided to marry Sonu. Although I didn't love her as much as Anita, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.I felt the only way I could repay my aunt's sacrifice was by fulfilling her last wish.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Transition between paragraphs [5]

Greetings!

That's a question a lot of people have. My feeling on this subject is that transitional phrases are overrated. If the topic or sub-topic you are presenting flows logically from the preceding paragraph, a transition shouldn't be required.

Whether a transitional phrase is needed depends a lot on context. If you are, in fact, going on to present specific examples of an idea presented in the preceding paragraph, "for example," may be appropriate. But did you notice how this paragraph flows naturally from the first one I wrote, without use of a transition? I think the best rule is not to force it; read your paper aloud to see whether it flows easily or sounds awkward.

Of course, if you have one of those instructors who is firmly planted on the transitional phrase soap box, you may have to come up with some more creative ways to use them. Things like, "This can be seen when ..." or "The effect of this was ..." or "In contrast to the above ..." and so forth.

I hope this gives you some workable ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

I don't find anything patently wrong with either sentence. You're correct that "vigilant" means "watchful" but the way you have constructed it, the sentence does not strike me as redundant.

As for the second sentence, the only thing I would caution about is tense. Your first sentence has Victoria's action in present tense; the second, in perfect tense. That may fit in just fine, in context, but it's something to be aware of.

I'm seeing them out of context, but as far as I can tell, they both appear to be prime examples of good writing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com