Undergraduate / "Baseball is important to me" - Help with Occidental Supplement [4]

Hey, I did not get the impression you were bragging. I just was not sure you"hit the bat" with this example. The prompt asked for "a personal habit and how does it help define you"

Your first sentence starting with baseball did not really answer the "habit" question.


How about getting straight to the point with the habit you mention only at the very end: practicing batting early every morning. And then go back to how your passion for baseball defines who you are. It would help the reader to learn about what you have achieved from this habit (what "success in baseball?") - this wouldn't be considered bragging, just stating the facts. [

Why is "getting better" important to you? How were you "rewarded?"


All the stuff in the middle (what I consider narration) will then have a context and prioritized in order of importance. Suggest you establish the framework establishing the habit and importance of baseball, the fill in the rest of the "good habits" you cultivated as a result of passion for the sport (eg. saving money, waking up early, sacrificing sleep, making time for practice.) BTW - these are aspects that all athletes have to incorporate in their life if they want to make time for their sport of choice. Think of what makes you different?

Scholarship / "my passion in biochemistry" - Scholarship for Science Majors [3]

Cool example of biochemistry in your first paragraph - but it can leave some readers puzzled unless you spell it out (you only mention this in your second para.) Also, I felt it was a bit too detailed/long. Can you halve the paragraph to about 3 sentences?



-- this is not a complete sentence.


I would have liked to learn more about your invention. Did you put it to work and to what result?
You sound like you know what you want and where you need to go.

Scholarship / how much of words is appropriate for scholarship essay? [7]

Start by listing the specific prompt - what exactly is the scholarship you are applying for? Then list the best 3-5 titles you can come up with. After you have done that and posted it, we can work on an outline for you. Don't worry about the details yet before you have the big picture or big idea conceptualized in your mind.

Undergraduate / "Paintball and Life Changing Experience" UF application essay [3]


It's a shame not to pack more punch in this sentence instead of "I would love to hear it..."

Your examples are so vivid and engaging, but mostly concentrated on survival. What about the life after survival? List your most important rewards i.e. victory, leadership, team spirit, better skills, teaching others to survive?


I would tone down the salesmanship in your closing paragraph. Just demonstrate your determination to succeed, compare it to your ability to survive and win in paintball.

Undergraduate / "big passion about the finance." - admision essay for academic and career goals [3]

Can you give an example of how you achieved an academic goal? Your essay mainly focuses on your career goal (as a financial planner.) Have you any past academic achievement in finance? Besides being inspired by Buffet, Young and your father, what other factors should the admissions committee take into account when considering your application. How have you performed and achieved, or how can you demonstrate that you will succeed academically at Bellevue?

Scholarship / how much of words is appropriate for scholarship essay? [7]

The rule is as short as possible to make your point, one page at the most. I would start with 800 words and scale down to 500. Remember, they will have your c.v. for the specifics of your experiences and accomplishments. Your SOP can then focus on the specifics of the scholarship program you are applying to and what makes you the best candidate to receiving it.

Graduate / "Working as an auditor"- experiences outside of your home culture and what u gained [2]

This is an interesting essay. Could you include something about how the meeting was received (by the Nigerians) once you dressed appropriately according to the local custom and what was the result of your meeting? What would you do next time around if you had to repeat the audit in Nigeria? How does this compare and contrast to your home culture? Besides dress, did you have to behave differently as a woman? What would be the difference for a male colleague? What is it like to be a professional woman in your culture versus what you experienced in Nigeria. Is it a religious norm or sexual differentiation?

Your perspective will make the essay have more depth of meaning than purely dress code cultural adaptation.

Undergraduate / "The Importance of One Womans Advice" - UC admissions prompt [3]

I reread your essay twice but did not discover how your academic achievements, personal interests and life experiences have helped prepare you to succeed academically and to be an active member of the UC community. The essay did not ask for what (or whom) inspires you the most.

The prompt states specifically "Be sure your response addresses each of the three components." which upon reviewing your essay, I did not learn anything about your personal interests (besides multiple art forms, community service and strong Christian background) nor life experiences. And you will need to tie this in to how this will enable you to succeed and be active in the UC community. Are there specific extracurricular clubs or academic communities you want to join?

Undergraduate / "Gambling taught me a lot of things" - Personal Growth Essay, SUNY topic [4]

You write very vividly and the essay is engaging. But I am not sure if overcoming an addiction is the best answer to the prompt of personal growth from an encounter with someone or an experience. If this is the only essay that demonstrates an example of your personal growth, is this what you want to present? If so, I would devote some space on how this experience (of quitting an addiction) led you to apply to university, something about the importance of education versus winning/losing from gambling (and your vulnerability to the odds.)

When you say " I have become more diligent and keen. Most importantly, it has made me more capable and adept for any task, mentally and academically." it would help to provide some specific credible convincing examples. This would strengthen your essay.

:

spenere getting n

Letters / Assistant professor cover letter;Dept of Mathematics @ University of Virginia Tech [4]

Here is an attempt to tighten up your letter and add more focus/strengthen your application:

I am writing to apply for the postdoctoral position at your department beginning in Fall 2011, as advertised on your department website. I am currently in a doctoral program in the

department of Mathematics at the University of Virginia Tech, and fully I expect towill complete my PhD degree by May 2011. I am extremely interested in obtaining a this position.

As a PhD student at the University of Virginia Tech , I taught for several years a variety Calculus courses and I made progress in my researches, and I believe my background would be useful in your department. My doctoral dissertation was conducted under the direction of Prof. Michael Renardy in the area of the stability of viscoelastic shear flows. My research focussed on ... which ... (State specifically why would this research be useful in this prof's dept? Don't assume or leave to generalities of belief)

Undergraduate / Brown Engineering - Why biomedical. "Most potential" [5]

Short and to-the-point. Are you going to write more about this for your "common app" topic?
One small comment: Biomed, like biochem is a popular potential major for many college applicants. For that reason, you might want to consider modifying this phrase:

to go where humanity has never gone before.
as many like yourself are flocking to the field. How about "where humanity is just beginning to discover??"
Good luck!

Undergraduate / "open environment" - Why i choose to apply to UCF? [3]

Hi Walter,
Was "open environment" part of the prompt or is it your choice reason why for UCF? This is an important distinction for the focus of your essay. If either answer is YES, then indeed you need to elaborate on what of all the specific aspects you like about UCF - and try to avoid generic ones that could apply to any college anywhere - appeals to you most. Then tie this in to why it is right for you (what makes the perfect fit.) I have tried to point out some of the repetition and generalities here, as well as correct typos, improve wording:



GIVE SPECIFICS WHY IT IS THE "BEST"


DO YOU MEAN EXCEPTION?


just as important. BTW, THIS REPEATS THE SAME THING TWICE.


CAPITALIZE YOUR "I" PRONOUN.

Graduate / Registered Dietitian - How to start a Career Objective essay: intellectual interests [3]


I. Introduction - what have you done to date and why are you interested in speech pathology. Why the switch from dietician? Briefly state your goals and aspirations.

II. Your expereince academically and professionally - accomplishments.

III. Why speech pathology and why this university.

IV. Conclusion - why you are the best candidate for this university.

Essays / Should SOP include backlogs in Practical / Lab examination ? [3]

Only if this is a key factor in your statement of purpose... Was there something significant in the backlog in lab examination that you want to write about? (It should illustrate the main thesis of your essay.) What is the subject of your SOP?

Undergraduate / "A soothing oasis - Why Swarthmore?" - Swarthmore Supplement [9]

Your essay is engaging. The second paragraph is your strongest example of why Swarthmore. Why not build on it - or alternatively, tie in into the conclusion of your final paragraph. Why historiography - is that a compelling reason to attend Swarthmore? Your first sentence starts with plants, so I thought you would be interested in Botany - a "man of nature" is good. But then I got a cold shower with your last line on airconditioning. Is this contrast deliberate? To what effect? Clashes with your last sentence of "soothing oasis" outside your dorm (which I assume is not airconditioned.)

Can you tie in your interest in History with the Israeli checkpoint your experienced? And talk about what impresses you most about Swarthmore's curriculum (courses, student activities, profs??)

Undergraduate / Alternative Learning Experiences- Massage School & Traveling Abroad [6]

You are making a good point about accessibility to higher education in the US and how one can take it for granted (until personally experiencing what it is like for the rest of the world.) I think you can say it with fewer words for more impact and less repetition. Examples follow:


Why not state specifically how many years you worked full time after highschool?




overkill and repetition with the following phrase...






Why do monks' families pressure them to succeed? Does not sound right...

Undergraduate / "I hope the past will bring good fortune" -Need help editing my All About Me Paper [3]

Your conclusion left me really lost. What do you mean by these sentences, especially the last one.


From you essay, I learnt more about your likes and dislikes (Harry Potter, snowboarding,
Bourne Trilogy, Matt D) than about YOU as a person. What is your meaning of life and your self-concept; what is your most significant experience, your strengths and weaknesses? BTW - is this essay for college?

Undergraduate / I am an atheist: Struggle for personal growth - Common App: Personal Essay [4]

Minor question: are you sure you are unique in being an atheist in a catholic school? Most of the best schools in non-Catholic countries were established by Jesuits and the student body is non-exclusive (made up of multiple religions.) I am very surprised that you get this sort of reaction

Undergraduate / While volunteering at hospital I got the chance to first-hand observe doctors in action [6]

What I got out of your essay was that your primary satisfaction is derived from the different facets you could apply your skills as a doctor or put another way, the diversity variety of patients. Is this the most rewarding aspect of being a doctor? What motivates you at the end of the day? (Are you not saving lives as well as reducing suffering and pain?) Put another way, I did not get any impression of you as a person, your feelings if any. Reflecting yourself as a human being in this essay will help engage the reader. I think it would be great to get a "feel" (pulse, heartbeat) of the person behind the essay (of nice-sounding generalities.) This is not meant to be discouraging or negative, just an effort to make your essay outstanding.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

Creative pranks are one thing but what you find "fun and humorous" reflects on your charecter. Are you sure you want to be associated with "evil" cleverness? (Just a subjective/personal reaction - I felt sorry for your brother (and distressed mother's eardrums.) Inflicting noise is pretty brutal. While this qualifies as an unusual way to have fun (for you,) it certainly was not enjoyed by anyone else. What/how do other EFers think/feel?

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]

Sorry Kevin, I still don't get who is "everyone who learnt from me" - shouldn't this be my debate team mates or ??? a more specific description? It's rather grandiose to sweep who you made a difference to under this general description.

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


Who are you referring to as THEY? This is what confuses me here. And I am left wondering what is meaningful about your experience of "thinking with THEM??"


It would help to read some examples of how you made a difference to "others?" (assume you are referring to your classmates) What did "they" learn from you??

Undergraduate / "our democracy", Common Application Essay - Responding to a quote [5]


You should state in the intro paragraph what it is that you strongly feel makes a leader not just good/satisfactory but truly exceptional. You leave the reader hanging by ending it with As I turn to almost any sphere for examples of a leader, I find proof to my doubts. State what your essay is about (the importance of leadership and public service) to YOU. Don't wait until the end of the second paragraph (where you only mention public service) or the beginning of your final para (the first place where you mention leadership.) Also, writing in positives creates a better impression than negatives.


The first part of the sentence does not connect to the second. Do you mean career is not important if you are an integral part of society. What do you mean by this (integral to what society, in what way?)


It would help frame your essay if you introduced your concept of leadership - that public service is essential to good leadership - and that YOU aspire to achieving that by giving some good specific examples of your community service.

The ending sentence also leaves me hanging.


Why does the question confuse you? Or is it that you have a simple answer to why you love volunteering - you simply enjoy contributing to society. This is more positive (than the word "confuse") and gives you an opening to include the leadership aspect you started out with, thereby making the essay more coherent.

Scholarship / Actuarial Science: why your selected degree programme? Scholarship Essay Help. [10]

The latter - the essay is about YOU (I) not someone else (you). You may not need 4 paragraphs per prompt. Try an intro paragraph that summarizes both what Actuarial Science and Kent followed by one paragraph about your past qualifications, what led you to this point to apply to study this field in Kent, then one about your objectives either in study or professional life and what you want to do as part of the Kent student community. The in your closing paragraph, recap why you would be a great student for them to admit.

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]

Passion may or may not lead to a career. If it does, you are very fortunate. If it doesn't, you will be fortunate to be able to pursue your passion in your free time...

I assume that the prompt you quote asked about your career "vision." That means your ideal future career, what you would envision this to be. You may or may not have to write about your passion if unrelated. (If related to your career, YES. If not, NO.) Vision means future, so you can dream a bit here. Write about what your ideal career would be. That should speak from you inner self/core. If passion comes out, all the better. Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay:Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better ? [5]

Just this essay! Two or three does not matter as long as they are GOOD ones!! I would even venture to say less is better...so go with two GREAT examples vs. three GOOD (mediocre) ones.

Undergraduate / "Being myself & Try to help my community" --UC prompt #1 [5]

You can do better. What aspirations? Make what you say inspiring and aspirational. It needs to sum up YOU (in a few words!!)

Undergraduate / "Being myself & Try to help my community" --UC prompt #1 [5]

Small wording suggestions and corrections:





Medicine is a new concept you introduce here. Do you want to combine the two?
Overall, the only improvement I would like to see is in your last sentence. What is your dream? Describe "a career that shows show I am?

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay:Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better ? [5]


You chose these examples and talk about nuclear energy and medical changes. It would help to recap just the examples you will be writing about later in the essay. Or put another way, you should provide a context for the examples you list. The nuclear energy example is awkward as uranium is not a "change" but a new form of energy.

The first part of this sentence does not make sense in conjunction with the second - what does medicine and inquisitive minds have to do with convenience goods , health deterioration and loss of personal security? out health deterioration - our ?


This can be improved and no need for "etc."- what travesties?


Again, first part of sentence doesn't quite connect with the second:


Do you mean if change makes things worse, then more change is required to make things better??

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

Vaishali, I think Kevin means gender EQUALITY as the most beneficial discovery in the pasty 100 years, not gender TRANSFORMATION. He suggested that as an idea, not as a personal conviction. That has to come from you. Reviewing this thread, aside from you getting caught up in whether a discovery is an invention or not and if it is physical vs. an idea, the only part where you express something remotely personal is here:


From this, I deduce that entertainment may be of interest to you. If so, what aspect of entertainment do you find most meaningful or beneficial? Many possibilities to explore such as the value of entertainment in inspiring, aspirational or teaching aspects, entertainment's (Bollywood) contribution to the economy. Same goes for computer entertainment (if that is what you mean.)

Did you look up the websites I gave you? Transportation, agriculture, colonialization and independence, democracy, eradication of the caste system - what do YOU think was the most significant event in India over the last century (1900 - 2000?)

Scholarship / Making the best out of opportunities: IELTS scholarship essay guidance [3]

Could you please post your condensed essay taking into account the good comments from Kevin and Maria? I don't want to repeat their feedback again.

Clearly, you should SHOW and not TELL - avoid unnecessary adjectives. Give your specific story i.e. what exactly were your father's "liberal thoughts" that motivated you (what Village and why unknown?) to seize opportunities and be aspiring to similarly unknown others. No need to narrate your skills. Generalities like this: "Presentation, convincing skills and implementation within stipulated time frame is the key to ensure success." do not strengthen your essay.

It is not uncommon to work hard to make it despite economic disadvantages - what makes your efforts unique? What makes you MORE deserving of this scholarship?

Writing Feedback / SAT: QUESTION DECICIONS OF LEADERS [5]

Answer the question in the first paragraph (i.e. it IS important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority,) back it up in the middle and wrap up in the final paragraph. You are (in the final paragraph) "sitting on the fence" so to speak. You should clearly take one side with strong examples and on a lesser note, temper it with examples of moderation. Comparing Lee Kuan Yew to the Vietnamese military dictatorship is a bit like comparing apples and oranges. Maybe comparing Lee Kuan Yew to Lula of Brazil would be more meaningful (or comparing the Vietnamese to Burmese military government.) Do some research to come up with more examples that you feel good about. You need to choose what is most compelling to YOU in order to write a good response.

Undergraduate / 'The compass pointing at the happiness' commonapp main essay [8]

As happiness is an absolute, it doesn't require an article...same with money and comfort - unless you add a possessive (all your money and comfort)




person "without it" an "un-happiable?? is awkward wording. Do you mean he is immune from desiring happiness or unattached to happiness?


Separate out your intro and concluding paragraph to help focus the reader. For instance, the first two sentences with quotation marks are confusing - is this you quoting yourself? The second sentence starts with a quotation but lacks a mark to end the quote.

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

Yes - it can have the same meaning. But a discovery is larger than an invention. A discovery can lead to many inventions (eg. discovering one string of DNA can lead to many different strands of research.) Discovering America led to more than Columbus being famous... I can't tell you offhand what inventions resulted but I am sure the gold obtained from colonializing the Americas funded some scientific invention.

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

I agree with Ershad. The prompt you wrote asks that you identify what has been MOST beneficial for people in your country. That means ONE.

Here are some examples that you can google:

englishlearning-harmonica.blogspot.com/2010/01/last-100-years-most-ben eficial.html

findscore/essays/topic87.html

Undergraduate / "help me bring a unique and distinctive perspective" Law School Personal Statement [8]

You jump from highschool graduation with honors to the concluding paragraph with no mention of what you did at GMU. Would help to include highlights of undergrad experience and why you decided to apply to Law School. Also, caught this mistake:

.


or perseverance and endurance is necessary for success

Graduate / "to get the highest possible grades in my class" - Awards and Honors essay [3]

For the first question, there is no "hook" required or possible. You are asked to list the awards and provide a brief description. From what you wrote, you only got one Dean's award (give formal title) in 2006 (?) and good grades the following 3 years. This is sometimes called Phi beta kappa or Dean's List or Graduation with Excellence, whatever your school formally calls it.

I cannot comment on your second essay as no info was provided. This one is easy - write about your favorite extracurricular interests/activities. The Adcom wants to know what you are like outside of school - this can include community service, sports, hobbies. Choose what you are most passionate about and write about why.

Graduate / SOP for admission for Bachelors in fine arts [2]

What I get from your essay: You followed your father's advice to pursue biotechnology, a promising field for a lucrative career. After obtaining your master's (in science I presume,) you find yourself back where you started, wanting to be a painter (I presume from what you wrote.) It would help to learn about what you intend to do with a Bachelor's in Fine Art. Can you live off your passion? Have you worked in biotech (or just studied?) Also, your essay leaves me wondering if you like to be a perpetual student. IMHO, your long-term goal is pretty vague and only possible if your parents continue to provide you support and welfare. You are very fortunate that they want you to be happy and can/will. Some inconsistencies - see my CAPS:

long term goals include dedicating my entire life to my work -paintings and only paintings , DO YOU MEAN PAINTING FOR PAINTING'S SAKE WITH NO NEED OF GETTING REVENUE FOR YOUR WORK? i dont have intention of working all throughout my life WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?? biotechnology can be part of my life WHAT PART?? but it cannot take place over my passion -- i.e paintings!.

My short term goals include to get a degree in fine arts, also try to work in clinical research field as i have done a course in it i would like to have an experience. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS? WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCE IN CLINICAL RESEARCH. HOW DO YOU SEE DOING THIS WHEN YOU ARE GETTING THE DEGREE - SEPARATELY LATER OR SIMULTANEOUSLY?

Work to better focus your intro and concluding paragraphs. At this point, the middle part basically narrates how you were able to complete your masters without being passionate for the subject. It would be interesting if you could tie the two together somehow. This would impress the reader that you can make the best of both worlds.

Finally, please use spellcheck to catch your mistakes. It will save us time to comment on the substance of your essay versus correcting typos.

Writing Feedback / Memory from the past can always give people more specific guide in the present - SAT [6]

Hey Laura,
Suggestion: work on your opening and closing sentences. These are what make (or break) the essay. For instance, your first sentence does not support the second, nor the third. I would also steer clear of using the "one" pronoun.


"win the life" does not make any sense - do you mean succeed in life?





TRY TO AVOID USING ABSOLUTES LIKE "always."
Spend more time on the closing sentences. It is hard to generalize from just the two examples you provided. Overcoming adversity is not directly attributed to memory. What I mean to say is that succeeding in life requires more than just memories. What comes to my mind is that people who do not succeed to overcome a bad past (and the resultant bad memories) have less chance of succeeding than those who DO (forget the bad past and learn from their mistakes.)

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

Relax, your 2nd draft SOP is pretty much there ("good!") BTW - good things never get done quickly so needless to stress about it. I like the second rewrite of your third para better. The last sentence could be improved though. How does this sound/read to you?

I believe that this aspect plus utter dedication will enable me to achieve my best artwork.

Also, more "nip & tuck" corrections and suggestions (in bold):

It was then whenthat I took a basic design course in which we hadrequired me to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company that I fell in love with graphic design.and I would make three of them. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I started learninglearned how to combine text, images, shapes and master the effects, animations in iWork Keynote to make presentations for the subjects I studied . Even though my ability to use English at that time was not at all goodweak, but my classmates and teachers would alwaysloved to see my presentations. And I learned that it was not only pleasurable but also that I had potentialimmensely gratifying to make people feel inspired and interested in learning by simply putting a bunch ofassemblinginformation in a beautiful way. We did not have to study so much butFor thefinal examination, everyone scored very highwell,and I felt a deep satisfaction.

Whenever I was asked to prepare a presentation for my class there were alwayshundreds of questions that would trigger in me about how to makeinspire [b]even the least interested student be amazed and to understand get the lesson quickly, easily and remain in his long-term memory. To do this, I often had to research how the brain works and how it would response respond to certain subjects. In addition, I developed the habit of observing people, their actions and interests, so that I will be able to knowin order to better understand my audiencewell.