Undergraduate / "What is success?" UC Personal Statement Freshman prompt [2]


Use a hyphen: family-oriented

Being immigrants from Vietnam, my parents did not have much to start out with.--- This sentence does not belong in the first paragraph. It is not about the same idea as the other sentences. It is a great sentence for getting the reader's attention, but you could use it in a different paragraph instead. The first paragraph should probably begin with a sentence about how you had to balance school and family life, OR about how you had to internalize a new culture while preserving your heritage.. it seems that your theme is about using multiple perspectives and approaching your college education in a way that makes sense of the various perspectives.

And be sure the intro and conclusion both tell the reader why it is important for you to attend UC rather than some other school.

: )

Graduate / SOP for molecular basis of health and disease program at Columbia University [3]


Yes, try to change the SUBJECT of the sentence, so that "I" is no longer the subject. I am talking about the part of a sentence called 'subect' (i.e. subject and predicate). The predicate is the part with the verb. You can write the predicate in a way that is the active voice.

Example:
Besides performing my primary task, I also learned volunteering in the lab taught me how to culture and passage animal cells in...

This is all excellent writing. I suggest adding a very short, interesting sentence at the beginning. Right at the top of the first paragraph. As it is now, the first sentence is long... so you can GRAB the reader's attention with a short sentence first.

And if you find ANY sentences that you can remove without taking away an important idea, it will be an improvement. Deleting all unnecessary words and sentences is the way to make your main message resonate better in the mind of the reader.

And what is that main message? What is the single most important idea that you want the reader to remember after reading this?

: )

My ultimate professional goal is to become make my contribution as a Principal Investigator of a biomedical research laboratory ---This way might be more interesting than 'become'

Book Reports / Holden, like every other teen in the world experiences the same problems adolescents go through [2]

Hello friend, what is the topic that was given for this essay?

You can simplify this sentence and shorten it for clarity:
Holden like every other teen in the world experiences the same problems as every other adolescent in the word. go through.

Oh, I see what you mean about the tenses:
Whether it was emotional or physical problems that led to who Holden is became by the end of the book, it the problems...
***And actually, the best way to do it is not to use past tense at all and instead change it all to the present tense. When talking about a work of literature, use the present tense. Like this:

Whether emotional or physical problems are what lead to who Holden becomes by...

: )

Scholarship / At a young age, I had a keen interest in leadership - SCHOLARSHIP PERSONAL STATEMENT [2]


This sentence above is incomplete. Check carefully, and change it so that it is a complete, proper sentence.

I think too many students begin their essays by saying, 'At a young age, I was interested..." So, it is a cliche, and overused. You can say it in a more meaningful, original way.

that a girls place was not solely as a caregiver at home ------ I agree!! The world would be much better if more female decision-makers were in control. Check this sentence and add an apostrophe: girl's

You should not write it as all one long paragraph. Divide it into several paragraphs, each maybe about 5 sentences long, and let the first paragraph end with a sentence that tells the most important idea of the essay, the one you want the reader to remember.

: )

Graduate / I worked on detailed multicompartmental modelling of pyramidal neurons - Research Statement [2]

I know you want to mention everything, or all the important things, but be aware that the reader can only remember 1 or 2 things from what you write. The reader is not a memory trick performer, reciting back 100 words shouted out by an audience. So choose one thing for the reader to know, and make the reader know it and remember it strongly.

The essay reads like a list of facts. I think you should add a sentence to the front of the first paragraph to establish a theme for the essay. Give a message that the reader will remember and reflect on later.

The last paragraph is very impressive, and I know hope the reader has enough knowledge to understand and appreciate it. The biggest idea for me to share with you is to take all this and see what single idea/message it all gives when you add it all up. What does it all mean? Tell the reader some excellent sentence that is easy to remember and understand.

: )

Essays / Short Story Character Comparison Essay- Short Happy Life of Francis, Ernest Hemingway [2]

Oh, okay, how about adding another element to get the fire of thought and analysis started. We can add some current event that is somehow relevant to the concepts in this story. What would you suggest? Maybe others in this forum will have suggestions. You can relate the concept to something that is happening now, and that makes a great introduction. It will help you to get started.

: )

Writing Feedback / Grading System Essay (Persuasive, academic, 10th grade level) [2]

Hello! This is an unusual request... interesting. : ) Thanks for bringing it.

You could use logo, ethos, and pathos, from classical rhetoric... you can also give strong examples of how the system should be improved.

It's also great to use the strategy called 'refute the counter-argument.' It's best if you can offer some creative suggestions about how to best use the new system, and asume the reader agrees with your argument. When you 'assume the sale' then it is time to close the sale and take action to implement the change.

Provide more information

what class
what college
Whats your main point
etc

just write down what you think about weighted grades, how colleges use them, how ppl may be judged by their weighted grades, what they mean to the student, etc. then post a first draft to be edited.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]


I think this type of introduction is used too often... so it's better to come up with some alternative idea, rather than saying, 'I have always been, etc...'

You can say:
When I was in middle school, the concepts in math class became more complicated and I was suddenly intrigued! --- or something like that. It might be better for catching the reader's attention.

It is highly unlikely that your reader will be a math person who finds the details interesting. : ) I suggest moving some sentences about helping others with their math closer to the beginning of the essay. What I mean is: I suggest removing some less-than-necessary sentences from the first paragraph and making room to replace them with sentences about the idea of applying your math knowledge for the practical benefit of others.

I like this sentence a lot:
that it was a subject I truly enjoy; it can be difficult and time-consuming, but I find...
Above, I made a few minor suggestions involving a comma and a hyphen.

You seem really intelligent and motivated, and I bet this essay will get a good response!

Graduate / What is my "gift" and what is my purpose in this world? Master of Social Work [8]

Since, I no longer have such a busy schedule. I found this time ---- always trimming away words that can be trimmed away. Leave it sleek. : )

Now we condense:
I was a
Always a strong advocate for the underdog -- in school, at home, or on the playground -- I always stood up for what was right.

That makes a nice, strong, distinguished sentence.

Some how, I chose a different career path. --- 'Somehow' should be one word. And that sentenced about a 'different' career path.. as it is now, it makes me ask, "Different from what?" If you can add a few words to make it clear, you'll have a nice contrast/juxtaposition of ideas at the start of the essay.

When I think back, technology was merely another vehicle to exercise my passion for helping and providing a voice to others. --- You are approaching perfection here, I think. : ) This makes it interesting and meaningful and great. You have a clear plan now.

Go make a big splash now! Do you work with unbreakable resolve. And live like a warrior:

youtube.com/watch?v=6tuz-uG7OyY

Graduate / What is my "gift" and what is my purpose in this world? Master of Social Work [8]

You did really well! I don't think you should repeat the quote again at the end... instead, consider paraphrasing the quote at the end and then adding 'some extra idea' to build on it... that will leave the reader hanging on the idea at the end. Dig just a little deeper and take a different turn with it at the end. Rather than just repeating the quote again, you can comment on an implication of it. It's great to bring them back to it at the end, but then you can go a step further and add another idea that is related to the quote and to the main message of the essay.

In college, I was naturally gravitated to activities and events---- I think you can omit that word.

I really like how you did this. My idea now for improvement is to get more specific in the first paragraph with what you mean about 'helping'.. that can get a lot more specific, and a fire might be burning you in the direction of particular people in need of particular help for which your talents and experiences best suit you.

With recently leaving my job Having recently left my job...
: )

Graduate / What is my "gift" and what is my purpose in this world? Master of Social Work [8]

It's important to weed out the unnecessary words. Take out as many as you can : )

For quite sometime, I had always wondered what my "gift" was and what my purpose was in this world. Throughout my life,
I have always had great compassion and empathy for individuals who were are less fortunate, going through personal problems or just in need of someone to listen to them. Looking back on my life and speaking to friends, family members, or just random people there was always a common theme, helping. I knew... of helping others. [ Right here, add a colorful sentence to add more interest to the main idea of the essay]

At the age of 15, I experienced the most traumatic experience of my life. --------For efficiency, change this sentence:
I tackled the most traumatic experience of my life... -----I use tackle because it is active and interesting, and it is something YOU do rather than something happening to you.

You write very well!! I like this sentence: With the interest of becoming a social worker in ...

The quote at the end is great. The substance of this is great. I just think you should work to eliminate as many unnecessary words as possible and also work on the introduction to make the main message of the essay clearer. Add a sentence about how specifically you can use social work as the professional field for helping others, and get specific about how you will help them. Refine those sentences in the first paragraph, the most important paragraph.

Undergraduate / All interpretations of "the good life" pivot on the definition of "good". [6]

In reflecting upon on my values, I ... --- This is just my own preference. I try to shorten words and sentences. The 'up' is not needed, so it's excess weight dragging down the essay.

...take "good" to signify something that is morally correct in God's eyes. ---- Okay, so this is not the same as the 'good life' as people commonly think of it. Even a life full of suffering is good in a Christian sense, if it's virtuous. I like your idea.

Consequently, living the good life is based upon His agenda, not mine. ---- Here is 'upon' again... too dramatic, I think. Just 'on' is enough. Also, this sentence should probably have an action verb: Consequently, people can live 'the good life' based on ...

...God can use the University of Florida to grow me intellectually, and most importantly, spiritually.-- Right here, I think you should add a sentence to tell what attributes of this school make it a better environment than others for God to influence your process. What is unique about the school?

At the University of Florida, I look forward to joining religious organizations like the Campus Crusade for Christ.--- Great example. This shows the reader that it really makes a difference whether you can go to this school you are choosing.

I think you didn't say enough about why you choose business and what you hope to do. Saying you want to be a CEO sounds silly. That's not a real goal. It doesn't matter what position you hold. I think the idea is to influence the company in the direction of social and environmental responsibility. Google this: Rethinking the Social Responsibility of Business - A Reason debate

I think you'll enjoy it. This essay needs some more discussion of how you can live the good life doing business in a way that is compatible with Christianity. And that is interesting, because business is about acquiring wealth and it's hard to get a camel through the eye of a needle. ; )

Research Papers / 'The nature of a man' - Research & Reflection paper body paragraphs [5]

If you need to add a few body paragraphs, it's great to think about it this way: Each paragraph = 1 idea, expressed in the first sentence of the paragraph (the paragraph topic sentence). That means if you're writing a 5-paragraph essay you can think of it as one main idea/message and 3 supporting ideas.

So, what is your main message to the reader? That is the sharp point to your spear -- the important part, the part that is the reason someone made a spear in the first place. That message is the reason for the rest of it, so if you rest your attention on that central message you can easily come up with 2 more supporting ideas (i.e. 2 more body paragraphs).

The body paragraphs are like microcosms of the essay. Each paragraph has a main idea and then the rest of the sentences in the paragraph explain that idea. Likewise, every essay has a main idea and all the paragraphs explain it.

Trends in the history of man... --- This paragraph is great writing, you are really talented with language. But I suggest 'humankind' instead of man or mankind.

"go more into depth.." They want you to challenge each idea you are sharing. For example: In the paragraph that begins with 'Trends in the history...' (mentioned above) you did a great job of explaining the story but the teacher wants you to slow down and 'analyze' every idea. See, if you stay mindful of YOUR main idea (the idea that makes the essay worth writing) then every little detail of this paragraph is something that can support or refute your idea. So, focus on the message of your essay, and add some sentences in each paragraph to comment on how [whatever you are saying in the paragraph] relates to your essay's main idea.

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

I happened to notice the last sentence first. I think it should be replaced.. the word 'therefore' is weak compared to excellent nouns and action verbs. The expression 'I believe' is weak because it takes the power out of whatever is being said (if you believe it, just say it). And then you have these vague ideas "techniques and competencies"... it would be more impressive if you named one or two specific ones.

And then at the end of that sentence you say you want to have an advantage over other people. People like who -- me? The son or daughter of the reader? Ambition to have advantages over other people is important, but to have it in a sentence like that seems distasteful.

...into a Product management role -- I think you don't need to capitalize product here. Or if you want to capitalize it, you'll need to capitalize Management, too.

The essay seems to begin abruptly and end abruptly. Can you add a sentence to the beginning to surprise the reader and catch her/his attention? What is the most important idea you want to share with the reader? That idea can inspire your first sentence.

It's better when you can avoid starting a sentence with 'there are'.. but you can instead do this:
There are two primary reasons for which I chose Smith. I chose Smith primarily because of _______ and ______.

No need to say 'beyond' if you are already saying 'transcend':
... would transcend beyond the boundaries of the school.

Undergraduate / No Goodbye - I had to accept the inevitable occurrence and move on with life - Commonapp [2]


This is great writing, above.. I like it!

The gear that had suffered in every way. I could think of . --I'll simplify it so it packs a harder punch.

Here is another place where you can simplify to make it clearer and more powerful:
That day- January3, 2014-was really life changing. It had been a A month later, after this event happened and I was preparing for the ...----The parts I removed are not helpful for conveying your idea to the reader. The date is not helpful, I mean. So I think it's best to simplify like that.

I think you can end this in a better way. Instead of saying, 'I can move on', I think you have something much more meaningful and important to say. Maybe if you read the essay again you'll see that your real 'message' to the reader is something different. : )

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast- 2 war artist images. How do they reflect and convey the impact of WAR? [2]


In the prompt, I see 4 things the paper has to include. Compare, contrast, how do they reflect the impact, and how do they convey the impact.

A long time ago, I had a teacher who took points off my grade because, for example, I compared but did not contrast. And in this case, you need to discuss how they 'reflect' and 'convey' which means you should probably use those words IN YOUR ESSAY to make it absolutely clear that you followed the prompt.

I see that you used 'convey' a lot.. I also see 'reflect', that is good. Here's a place with an extra word:
This sense of impending darkness reflects on the harshness ... need to get rid of 'on' here, or it changes the meaning of the verb.

Now that you wrote the whole paper and gathered your thoughts about the images, I think you should go back to the first paragraph and take out unnecessary words, like this:

achieved nothing short of brilliance with his...
Then, add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Put a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that can expless the most important insight that comes from comparing and contrasting the two images. : ) That sentence at the end of the first paragraph is one of the only sentences the reader will remember.

Undergraduate / When does narrative cross into wordiness? [2]


Hah! This is good writing..

You say narrative can stray or be too wordy, but it's never too wordy if you have great sentences like that. Sentences like that really capture the reader.

I suggest expressing your main idea somewhere at the start. For example, at the end of the first paragraph. Even within the narrative, you can boldly express your main idea in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Do that, and the rest of the essay will make sense.

That is especially important if someone is scoring/grading the essay. They need to look for whether your essay fulfills every requirement in the essay prompt. So it's good to tell them the three things in the first paragraph and then again at then end. That way, the won't overlook it!

Actually, I think you might like the way the essay looks if you move the last paragraph to the top and let it be the first paragraph.

I like the way you use repetition with this sentence:
Karate is not just a physical thing.
But it might confuse the reader when they see it a second time exactly the same way. Sometimes it adds excitement if you repeat something like that but add another short sentence after it the second time.

For example, maybe you could add a sentence after it the second time:
Karate is not just a physical thing. It is...

Poetry / The Interrogation of The Good - Bertolt Brecht poem [2]

Great job here.. I'll suggest some options for possibly improving the clarity of the introduction.

"The interrogation of the good the speaker of the poem is the author Berolt Brecht, and in my opinion is -- This is like a blur of confusion when I read it. You can start with:

The speaker in "The Interrogation of the Good" is...
...and in my opinion he is..

Some might say that he is speaking to a group of people or on behalf of them in a court setting. ---Is this different from your opinion or part of your opinion? When you say 'my opinion' and then 'some might say' it makes it seem like you are contrasting your opinion against what others say. So maybe it's better to do this:

Some might say that I interpret him to be speaking to a group ...

At the end of the essay you have the sentences that express the main idea. I think you should put those at the beginning. When you express the most important idea at the beginning, the rest of the essay can explain it. But if it's at the end, the whole essay is confusing.

Graduate / GRE - replacing the leaders after 5 years is like giving up a lot of experience - it's a big risk [3]

I agree! It's wasteful to replace competent people who have already spent a few years improving their game. You made a great, thoughtful argument here.


It's better to say:
I disagree to some extent.

That's better because it has 'extent' ('extend' is not correct here).

At my discretion, In my opinion, there is another persuasive point ...

So by altering the leaders every 5 years, which is a short period, companies error will augment. increase. ---I agree! The new leaders will repeat old mistakes! And this is a well-constructed sentence.

Anyway, that is just a small grammar tip. Overall your argument is great.

Writing Feedback / Biometric - cost, reliability and public acceptance of fingerprint and iris [2]

...to protect their database and information from theft or loss, stealing or losing, ... and this is done by some high developed with the use of technology by using the natural human body: biometrics. human's nature body which called biometrics.

Use the plural form here: No two people have the same pattern of arrangement of ridges on their ...

Use 'and' so that it is not a run-on sentence:
...fingertips, and every person separately maintains an unchanged pattern throughout their life.

Reliability of fingerprint and iris:
Fingerprint scanning is one of the accurate biometric (Jamieson, 2005) when a person try to enroll into ... This sentence is too long and confusing! I think you should separate it into some short, clear sentences. : )

...because people are now more familiar with its use for identification purposes. According to (Jamieson, 2005), finger print (scanning?) is generally accepted as a technology.

Great job citing sources in APA style!

Undergraduate / The Gulf of Mexico, engulfed in black oil - Prelude - Texas A&M [2]

This is excellent, inspired writing. I bet you will go through quite a process in the way you think about your chosen field of study.

One possible problem is that your first several sentences are incomplete. They are fragments because they don't have a subject and predicate. For example, you an add "has been":

The Gulf of Mexico has been engulfed in black oil.

That takes some of the poetry out of the writing, but in a formal essay like this it's possibly bad to use poetic license to the extent that you are using sentence fragments.

The relevancy of the aforementioned events strongly motivated--- this seems too fancy. Fancy language always seems fake. It's best to keep it simple. Some words, like 'aforementioned' really do not belong in any kind of writing except maybe legal writing, lol. That is just my own silly opinion, though!

Book Reports / A Vindication of the Rights of Women [2]

In that first paragraph, I think you can dig a little deeper and add another sentence about the IMPLICATIONS of this:
after the feminist canon was created in the 1970s, Wollstonecraft's book contributed new standards for the roles of women, specifically the need for education of women ...

That sentence above seems to be the most important sentence of the first paragraph. So, what CONCLUSION will you draw? I think you can improve the essay by figuring out what unique message you are sending with this essay. The stuff you mention in the first paragraph is about what Wollstencraft did, but let's end that first paragraph with what YOU say about it.

Again at the end, you seem incomplete because you 'discuss' something but you do not conclude by saying what is the main TRUTH you have discovered. What conclusion do you draw from what you discussed. All you need to do is make a creative and insightful observation about this phenomenon you are discussing. : )

Writing Feedback / Select a cultural phenomenon - do you see any danger in our society's dependence? [3]


I like your straightforward writing style. Now I want to suggest a way to make your essays leave a deep impression on the mind of readers.

First, I suggest not starting with a 'statement of the obvious.' Your first several sentences are all obvious. The quoted sentence above should perhaps be moved to the beginning so that it becomes the first sentence of the essay. But add 'and':

Technology is not going to disappear, and family communication will...

That makes an interesting first sentence.

Now find the sentence that tells the reader clearly that it has both good and bad effects and that we stay mindful of the specific dangers that come with our dependence on it. Put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

All the writing is great! I just want to see if you can use the first sentence of the first paragraph to INTRIGUE the reader and use the last sentence of the first paragraph to express the main message of the essay. : )

Writing Feedback / Thoughts on my essay about private companies spending more money on research compared to governments [2]

Here, at the beginning, I wonder what purpose you have for using the word 'dynamic':
In the present dynamic and advancing era there is much more ...
I also wonder what you mean by 'advancing era'... When you use these terms, it seems like you are trying to express an idea about how more involvement by private companies affects the dynamics of the mechanisms that underlie scientific research - or it seems like perhaps you are trying to express an idea about how an 'advancing era' is one in which more companies are involved and government is less involved.

Maybe what you are saying is that in a capitalist economy there is a tendency for tight restrictions to be imposed on government funding (by corporations that do not want to pay more in taxes than necessary, and do not want to pay employees more than necessary, which leaves a situation where the government must streamline its expenditures and has less ability to spend money on scientific research.

But anyway, it is not good to try to express so much in a single sentence. Maybe shorter sentences are clearer:
In the present dynamic and advancing era current era, there is much more ...

I'll add a word to the end of the sentence, because I think this way it will be clearer:
...involvement of private companies in scientific research compared to the involvement of governments.

Again, I suggest short sentences:
Most universities and organizations, which are responsible for a high number of must conduct research work on a tight budget because of inadequate subsidies, and therefore they are compelled to cooperate with private companies.

***When I write, I always go back later to see where I can remove words to make the sentences shorter.

Great job here, you write very well!

Writing Feedback / Discuss and critique how the revised Ofsted inspection framework have impacted safeguarding EYFS [2]

Strunk and White say it is a nice writing style if you use a comma to separate the two halves of a compound sentence. To practice that, you can put a comma before 'as'... in the first sentence, 'as' is a little like a conjunction (but arguably it is not).

Also, I hate the word 'very'... the word very is a totally unhelpful and unnecessary modifier. Strunk and White say (and Stephen King agrees) that too many modifiers spoil the soup! That is not how they say it, but it's how I think of it. Adverbs and adjectives can reduce the poignancy of a nice, impressive, very intelligently expressed, powerful sentence. : )

Another strategy for a great writing style: Always use a noun after the word 'this' so the reader has an easy, effortless flowing experience with no confusion. So, for example:

Although there are arguments to be made in support of this idea , there is a stronger point of view...

I really like the way you use unconventional sequences and structure in your sentences! Sometimes you will need to use short sentences, though, to help people deeply understand. Small bites, just like healthy eating.

Undergraduate / "The minute that you're not learning I believe you're dead" - FSU application essay [2]

and we will only stop until when our brains can take learn no more and we perish. with us

Without knowledge there truly wouldn't be a way of bringing meaning to our lives an us , because by learning we adapt and by adapting we survive. This is all very astute, but I think you need to revise it so that these observations are not only about learning-in-general but also specifically about the unique values of FSU. How can you make it specifically oriented toward FSU?

When I was 11 my mother was finally granted ...I couldn't understand a thing, and ...

because of my appearance and lack of understanding I was bullied by teachers, students, and even fellow ESOL classmates, I was pushed, beaten up and worst of all I was denied...---Okay, your writing got very inspired and impressive here at this part. Please separate the writing into a few paragraphs and make sure each paragraph begins with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

FSU will help me on my journey to learn and to transmit to others my same passion, it will ---This is nicely written, but it is too general. You could say the same thing about any school. What makes FSU different? What makes it better for your particular interests than any other school can be?

: )

Graduate / 'we use it everyday and for everything' - Is our society too dependent on technology? [2]


I think this is an accident. It is supposed to say 'technology', I think?

I like the structure, with 'firstly' and 'secondly', etc. That makes it clear. And I like the eloquent sentence here: 'As with everything..'

Today, the people say we are in the 'digital age' because of our dependence on technology.

Now, let's not put this sentence at the end of the first paragraph: Anyway is our society too dipendent on technology ? the sentence at the end of the first paragraph becomes the main idea of the paper.

What is the real main idea? Here is the way to find out:

The main idea of the paper = (Firstly,everyone uses all sorts of techniques in daily life.) + (Secondly,technology,especially the internet makes all information easily accessible for society.)

Those 2 sentences comprise your main argument/idea. They share your main message to the reader. So I think you should type one sentence based on those two ideas, and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

: )

Essays / Essay about the different symbols that exist in the novel, Lord of the Flies [2]

Yes, it's easy! Just wait, and that special 'hook' sentence will come to mind.

You can explore the sparknotes about the novel and see what others have said about the symbols. Write a sentence about one of them. Then, write another. Collect a few, and enjoy it. Go deep into it. You will feel inspired, and soon you will spontaneously think of a sentence that is truly interesting. It will be your own creative contribution to the awesome ideas in the story.

The trick is to use the best 'sequence' when you work. Don't try to pull that magic 'hook' sentence out of the air. Wait for it. Type a few sentences about the symbols, and wait for that inspired sentence to arise in your mind.

Undergraduate / "I will not bow I will not break I will shut the world away" - essay for Virginia Tech [3]

Very good! Great ideas, here..
Now, I see one glaring area of possible improvement: At the start of the essay you say that you have always had trouble committing 100% to something. I do not believe this is true. I think you are trying to find a way to express the idea you got from the song, but inadvertently you are presenting yourself as someone who does not have strong convictions. Instead of saying you struggled to commit to something, say that you have been constantly trying to refine your focus and trying to apply 100% of yourself to actualize your ideal effort. Your ideal effort is to give all of yourself, just like Jack Kerouac says: You want to burn, burn, burn, giving all of yourself like spectacular roman candle fireworks exploding like a spiderweb across the sky.

Undergraduate / What is the good life? Describe your notion. [7]


You did a great job with this.. I sense that you are the kind of talented writer that tends to write too much because you are good at it. So it is important to edit out the 'extra' content. For example:

I can still see it; I can still see his face... ---- Even though it all has that feeling of inspiration, I notice with my own inspired pieces of writing that I can always improve it by editing out some of it after it has been written.

I can still see his face -- a face which, days prior, was had been warm and full of joy; it was a face that could make anyone smile. --- I edited this for semi-colon and comma use.

Use the rule called 'number agreement' here:
people strive to achieve their own unique versions of ...

No need to capitalize the word when it is used as a common noun:
so few u niversities...

Well, I don't know what to say about the loss of your brother. There is no consolation for something like that. Be strong for your family, and stay focused on this 'good life' idea. You did a great thing by showing the reader that your plan for a good life is connected to the decision to enter this program for microbiology; the reader will feel compelled to open doors of opportunity to you because you have a clear vision of what you intend to do.

I still think you could add a sentence that succinctly expresses why microbiology can lead to the good life and what is a good definition for 'the good life'.

Undergraduate / I am many things and Black is one of them - Personal Statement for UT Austin; Essay A [3]


I see an apostrophe in front of that first word, must be a typo. Also, if you are quoting someone put their name in parentheses:

...however, " Being colored is a metaphysical dilemma I haven't conquered yet" (name).

You have a lot of great ideas here.. even though it does not define you, it is a part of you. Great sentence! But 'apart' means something different. Use 2 words: a part...

Thus, in my ongoing adolescences adolescence I've ...

further my educational goals and dreams. I believe that the opportunities within and ... If able to attend the University of Texas, I see myself being able to step into the person that I've strived to become thus far. All this part, in the transition into the last paragraph.. it all is too general, I think. When you make a very general statement, it's like throwing a punch and missing. Say specific things. Share your idea. If you have no specific idea, come up with one. Some people say part of the reason more African American males are in prison, for example, involves low quality education in predominantly poor African American communities. So maybe you have ideas about how to direct your studies in a way that will help you create educational opportunity for young African American males. How could you help them have opportunities? Express a specific plan. : )

You write very well!

Writing Feedback / the responsibility of government and new buildings' style [3]


Here it is unclear what possibility you are doubting. Also, the way to write a GREAT thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph is to pretend you are only allowed to write one sentence to express your whole idea. Use the sentence at the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader exactly what your main argument is. Why do you doubt the possibility? Sum it up in that sentence, and then explain it with the read of the essay.

Except it, the government have a host of works to do. --- You make a VERY good point here. The government has other responsibilities, like building safely instead of copying old ways. I agree! And I want to improve the sentence for you:

Except it, In addition to that responsibility, the government have a host of other responsibilities as well. to do. Very smart argument.

: )

Writing Feedback / Losing Faith in my Faith (College Essay) [3]

became more and more clearer and clearer that ...

Use the past perfect tense:
I was unsure how to approach my parents about said topic, since they have had been...

I guess one could even go as far as to say that I don't have an answer to this question, I do not believe ---- this is a run-on but you can fix it by adding 'and'..

Very impressive writing here.. I like the play on words you used for the title. And you surely must already have been told that you have a talent for language/writing.

... from which I had previously borrowed from the local library.

Want to know what would make this perfect? Find a way to connect the theme of the essay with the 'theme' of your college education (the theme of the education you hope to get). What I mean is: You should have a goal and a plan for your college years.. it's excellent if you can use this discussion of questioning religion as a way of showing some aspect of your plan for your college years.

BTW it's to be expected that the way collective humanity expresses its insight about the Great Eternal Whatnot reflects some primitive ideas from previous generations. There is a powerful being that springs into existence and plays with reality and creation. She is reading and writing in this forum right now, and it's not far-fetched to believe in such a being. : )

Research Papers / "The Fall of Communism" research paper. [2]

Yes, yes, these are great questions and I have great answers. : )

There should always be a theme or thesis statement for anything you write. Really, even if you are talking to someone about something you should have one main 'message' to share.

But you won't know what that message is until you do ALL the reading and research.

That is the secret. What you are trying to do right now it a mistake. Don't plan it or try to write a thesis statement until you have been reading a lot of articles. You should start by looking at something simple like the wikipedia entry about communism. (But don't cite wikipedia in your paper, just use it to help yourself become an expert.) It was created as a way of improving capitalism, but it did not work. Both communism and capitalism have big flaws. Try using questia by getting a free one-day trial, and then when you go to cancel tomorrow morning it will give an option to extend it for 3 more days for free. Use google calendar to remind yourself to cancel before they charge your credit card! And look at professional journal articles about communism.

The idea is to do some reading until you know all about it. When you have an opinion, or some interesting observation, then and only then do you have something worth writing. That is when you should plan the approach. And don't write the thesis statement until last.

Step one: Write a paragraph about each article you read, and share its main idea with your own reader.
Step two: Go back and write and introduction for your paper.
Step three: make sure each of your paragraphs begins with a clear Paragraph Topic Sentence

: )

Undergraduate / Engineering-Geek-Application [3]

As I can conclude from my actions, thoughts, and others' opinions about myself, I can consider myself as a computer geek. -----------Ha ha, great humor here. Humor is amplified by brevity. Even though your long way of explaining it is quirky and cool, I still suggest this type of revision: As I can conclude From my actions and also from others' opinions about myself it is safe to conclude that I am a computer geek.

Another reason for that change is that 'my thoughts' and 'my actions' cannot be listed with 'others' opinions' .. because there is an implied "my", like this: from my thoughts, my actions and my others' opinions... so you can't list it that way or you'll have that implied 'my'...

And in the first one:
I believe Computer science, at any rate the computer world, could benefits the society so widely that we might...
Instead of saying 'so widely' it might be more accurate to say 'in such diverse ways' so the reader will understand what you mean. The idea you are expressing is difficult to express.

I like your writing style!

Lots of works that are using deplete humans' strength and waste their time ...

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

Hi, I like the way you think and I have an important suggestion: Use the 'freaking' theme as a way to get yourself inspired to write, but then edit that out when the paper is done. It adds no new value or interest to the paper. See, it is helpful ONLY if you some how use the term 'freaking' to express a serious idea to balance out the informal expression. Example: if the diverse student body recently held an event that involved ironically calling themselves 'freaks' then this would be a great way to show the reader that you are aware of the event that took place at the school (and that you understood it and can relate to it).

Before I even clicked on this essay, I said to myself, 'uh-oh, let's see if they did anything to develop that theme or if they just used it to help themselves get started writing. I learned this through trial and error myself, and I'm happy to be able to share the idea. I hope it's useful for you; you write very well! Think of a theme that shows them how familiar you are with the school and that you have a real plan for the future.

Undergraduate / Moving to another state - my parents sent me to California to live with my grandma and uncle [5]

Hello, I found a grammar error here:

After third grade, my parents sent me to California to live with my grandma and uncle. I haven't hadn't seen ...

I also suggest using a very interesting sentence at the beginning of the first paragraph. Try not to explain too much. Instead, let the reader figure some things out on her/his own.

I really like the last sentence of the first paragraph. Now I suggest adding a sentence to the beginning of that paragraph, and make it a sentence that tells the most important idea you want to communicate to the reader. It seems that you had confusion, challenges, and fulfillment because of doing something meaningful and important. This is a great theme. What is one word that perfectly expresses the idea of this essay? Think of a word that is perfect for naming or describing the single most important insight/idea shared in this essay.

Scholarship / "No-No Boy"; I've always felt comfortable with my culture and happy to be apart of a Peruvian family [4]

This is an interesting approach! I guess it's best if you start the essay with a sentence about No-No Boy. Make it a surprising, intriguing sentence that catches the reader's attention. Then, when you say, "Thankfully, I never..." the reader will know what you are talking about. The sentence about No-No Boy should explain in what way you are glad you are not like him.

At the end of the first paragraph, you established a theme of "working hard to get noticed, high achievement from people in large families" -- and this is also really interesting. This concept can be great as the main 'message' of your essay. Can you add another sentence to clarify the main idea? Make it a sentence that carries the message to the reader. Use another sentence at the end of the first paragraph as a way of sending the reader a message about the main truth of this paper. I think the reader will respond well to you if you show that you have always been driven toward success by an aspiration to 'be noticed' in a large family.

Great, great job!

Writing Feedback / Need a peer review for my essay about Deaf education options [3]


typo here...

1. The writer has an engaging style and varied sentence structure.. poetic word choice that is nice to read.
2. Try to start paragraphs with sentences that would be interesting and maybe even surprise the reader. Grab the attention.
3. The main idea is difficult to discern. The first paragraph ends with a question. The answer ends up as, "It depends on the situation." Maybe the main idea can be clearer.

4. The paper is a little scattered. For example, the first sentence is about culture, and the main idea is about choosing a school.
5. Not strong enough, not clear enough.. for academic writing it might be best to put a clear thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

6. The paragraphs do not have a clear main idea. One paragraph should = one idea.
7. Yes, convincing. The writer explains as though s/he is an expert. There is a certain 'authority' in the writing style.
8. Yes, sometimes there are good transitions.
9. The conclusion summarizes the idea, but it can be better. Express one excellent, insightful idea in the first and last paragraph of the essay.
10. Needs improvement, see Diana Hacker's website to learn about perfect use of quotations.
11. N/A
12.N/A
13. No Title..

: )

Undergraduate / ApplyTexas Essay B - Circumstance / Conflict In My Life [4]


Perfect! Wow, we are lucky to have your participation..

For years I had tried so-- This sentence can be omitted, because it expresses the idea that has already been expressed.

I hope you help some other people in this community sometimes, because we can all benefit from your great way with language. I like a lot of the sentences in this essay; you probably know the ones.. those excellent sentences like "signing up to stand out"..

I refused to conform and that has helped me realize that the place where I most belong in this world is the place of programming. -----Maybe you need another sentence to explain how nonconformist = career in programming. (It's a little ironic that you belong in programming when you are someone who, as a nonconformist, resisted the programming.)