Essays / Ishmael Essay - persuasive essay based on a current event [5]

Why not brainstorm a topic on your own. Start by deciding whether or not you agree with the novel -- is it wrong for humanity to seek to control its environment, as the book claims, or is it in fact both necessary and good. Then, read some newspapers, watch some news shows, and choose an issue that involves man either seeking to control its environment or deciding to leave it alone. Argue in favor of whichever side you agree with.

Undergraduate / "How reoccurring nightmares helped me choose Psychology as a major"- UF Prompt [2]

Not bad. The television metaphor you use in your introduction doesn't really work, though. For one thing,


are not characteristic of


Also, while infomercials are horrifying on many levels, they are normally boring and pointless, the exact opposite of what you found your nightmares to be. So, I would suggest rewriting the first part of your essay to eliminate or change the metaphor.

Essays / Essay about individuals' identities and definition of "foreign" [2]

Well, the question seems fairly straightforward to me. Does a person's identity influence what he considers foreign. For instance, I have a friend whose parents are Chinese immigrants. That is, they were born in China, then moved to Canada. They quite possibly still consider themselves Chinese, and indeed they spend a lot of their time in China visiting relatives. To them, China is presumably not foreign. Canada may well still seem that way to them, though. My friend, however, was born and raised here. He is uncomfortable using Cantonese, which he considers as his second language. He has made several trips to China, but he views himself as visiting a foreign country when he does so. for him, Canada is his native, familiar country, and China is the foreign, alien one. So, even within one family, with only one generation's difference, individual identity has profoundly influenced how the various family members define what is foreign.

Essays / Krishna,confucius and gilgamesh essay [3]

Why not write your body first? Then you could post it here, and we would know exactly what you needed to introduce, which would make it much easier to help you.

Writing Feedback / life in prison is better punishment than death penalty [5]


It probably goes back much farther even than that.


"Until now" and "still" don't work together.


Avoid this. It is an unconvincing argument, as it can never mean anything to anyone who is not religious. Also, any person whose religion includes the Old Testament as a holy text will find plenty of permission from God to put people to death at the slightest provocation.


Why? You assert this. You don't prove it.


Again, it would be nice if provided some actual facts to back up this assertion.

Undergraduate / "experienced a lot of new things" - Common Application. [2]

Admissions essays should say something good about you. This doesn't, really, except that you like to procrastinate, and know enough to say you've learned your lesson and won't do it again. Decide what you want the essay to say about you, then write about one or more of your interests in a way that shows us that you possess whatever quality you have chosen.

Undergraduate / Hypomelanosis does not sound compicated to me!; UofM Diversity Essay [14]


Are you saying that all white and middle class people are exactly the same? That there is no diversity in age, sex, political values, religious views, etc. How wonderful -- you've finally found a group that is completely stereotypical. You must be so pleased. Also, what about the other 1%? Or have you studiously ignored them? Perhaps you could expand your concept of diversity, and use it to include differences in ways of thinking, instead of just differences in skin color (which, after all, are well-known to be superficial and meaningless, yes?) or socio-economic status (which is at least somewhat mutable). Perchance diversity is a state of mind?

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

It is not cheating to ask other people for advice when writing an essay. That's a valid part of the essay writing process, and can be thought of as a form of research. Someone who goes on-line researching the topic of heroes isn't breaking any rules, but showing good sense. The same is true of people who post on this forum asking for help.

Book Reports / "I am the Beast" -Lord of the Flies Essay [6]

It's often a good idea to go back and rewrite your introduction after you are finished, because that's when you really know what you are introducing. Still, your essay was pretty good, so hopefully the teacher likes it too.

Undergraduate / True Spirit of Maples~ any advice is welcomed,thanks [10]

Yes, hitting the same point, or theme, as it were, is perfectly fine. The point about choosing your experiences is also a good one to make, but it doesn't fit in well with your chosen metaphor.

Undergraduate / Hypomelanosis does not sound compicated to me!; UofM Diversity Essay [14]

What is the experience that you want to focus on? People watching in a restaurant in Chicago? Okay, then go into detail about this, and instead of spending the second half of the essay telling us that you are open-minded and like diversity, show us through your description of the experience. Also, you need to say specifically how this experience will allow you to contribute to the university. What you have now is too vague.

I wish I could be more specific, but it was *your* experience, and so you will have to be the one to come up with the fine details.

Undergraduate / True Spirit of Maples~ any advice is welcomed,thanks [10]

the maples not only survived but thrived in unfavorable circumstances, but also enjoyed the "plight" in others' perceptions. Their thriving red leaves actually demonstrated their resilience in the face of autumn's coldthat few plants can or want to experience.Therefore, theM aples are at their most beautiful when struggling with adversity .

Essays / Satirical Essay about Stephen Colbert and Politics [4]

Hmmmm . . . well, you need to start by brainstorming a political topic you can write about. Then, ask yourself what you want to say about it. Then, look at ways you can say it while appearing to be arguing for something else, even the exact opposite of what you mean. Then, come up with a draft and post it here for more feedback.

Book Reports / "I am the Beast" -Lord of the Flies Essay [6]


This is your thesis statement, and your essay might be stronger if you stated it in your introduction too. It is not that the Beast is war, but the part of us that drives us to war. The parallel between the notion of atomic warfare and setting fire to the island would have been much clearer back when the book was written, and MAD seemed all too much of a real possibility.

Also, you are missing some key quotations. An essay on this topic absolutely has to mention:

"There isn't anyone to help you. Only me. And I'm the Beast."
"Fancy thinking the Beast was something you could hunt and kill!"
"You knew, didn't you? I'm part of you? Close, close, close! I'm the reason why it's no go? Why
things are what they are?"

Undergraduate / "Idiot." - Too naive or too dense? Ivy league Common App main essay [5]


Not really. That is true of billions.


That's sort of neat. I like the analogy.


Okay, I suppose it's sort of clever, but the English major in me feels obliged to point that that "I" is not a verb, it is a pronoun.

I sort of stopped at this point. Your essay is neither naive nor dense. What it is, however, is rambling and unfocused. You jump from one topic to another without much in the way of transitions, and your ideas are not always unified by a common thread. Try tightening up the essay to focus more on one key experience.

Undergraduate / True Spirit of Maples~ any advice is welcomed,thanks [10]

I see what you were trying to do. My point was that it doesn't work. Trees are in fact forced to withstand unfavorable circumstances. You could have pointed out that the maple is at its most beautiful when struggling with adversity, or some such, but what you have at the moment does need a bit of revision.

Poetry / 5th grader's Acrostic Poem [10]

You seem to have ended up with a really good result. Feel free to let us know what comments, if any, the teacher makes on it.

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

No. I can be the one to give you advice on how *you* should revise your introduction, though. As for the positive to negative thing, I just meant that you should do something like this:

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see him or her. Imagine your life feeling complete whenever you are around them and be willing to give everything for them. Imagine being happier than you have ever been in your life. Imagine wanting to share your life with them forever through sickness and in health. Imagine wanting to pronounce your love through marriage. Imagine your own government taking away your right to do this, not allowing you to get married, to start a family, or to receive the same treatment and benefits all other couples receive, just because the person you are in love with happens to be the same sex as you.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Essay help- Swadhyay [4]

You don't, and no. Our terms of service clearly state that threads do not get deleted, but remain so that other students may learn from them.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay Transfer Admissions Essay. Allegheny College [3]


You don't want to do this. Reflecting on the writing process as you are writing isn't really appropriate for these sorts of essays, where you have limited space to begin with.

Also, I'd talk less about the minor, possibly not mentioning it at all, and focus more on explaining how you expect majoring in sociology to prepare you for law school, which seems like a much more interesting topic.

Writing Feedback / Should nations maintain old buildings. Ielts [3]

Yeah, you've got the right idea -- clear thesis, body paragraphs with logical supporting examples, short and to-the-point conclusion. Mostly now you just need to polish the grammar and style. For instance:

"there are numerous buildings that are protected"

Also, try to avoid using sentence structures that rely on "there is," "there are," "it is," and "it was." Stylistically, such sentences are always weak, even if they are grammatically correct.

"there are some buildings which reflect the history of the nation through its age or outlook"
"some buildings reflect the history of the nation through their age or appearance. "

"there are many examples of historical buildings that are converted into offices or residential housing after restoration"
"many historical buildings can be converted into offices or residential housing after restoration"

You see how the phrase "there are" in both examples just takes up unnecessary space.

Writing Feedback / An amazing place that you visited [3]

What exactly is this paragraph for? It seems a bit simple. In any event, here are some grammatical fixes for you:

"and I'll never see any other place like the place that I saw"

"it was between the high mountain s that were covered with the green grass"

"with the mountain s that were covered by the green grass."

"I took a lot of photos of the amazing natural scenery "

"it was an unforgettable day in all my life . "

Undergraduate / U.c. Application Prompt Advice (intented major) [2]

Okay, so you have the prompts. Now, write something that addresses them. I have no idea what personal qualities, talents, accomplishments, or experiences you possess or have had that you could talk about. For all I know, you have no positive personal qualities, have never accomplished anything, and have only had dull, mundane experiences. Your job is to convince the reader of your essay that this is not actually true. So, decide what positive quality you have that you want the reader to know about, and then show, rather than tell, the reader that you have this by describing a relevant experience you have had.

Undergraduate / Adult returning to school... review/critique this very ROUGH draft? [7]

Start by researching your topic. Then, brainstorm to think of things you want to say about your topic that could be supported by your research. Use that material to create an outline. Then write a draft based on that outline. Then post it here for feedback.

Essays / Driving in winter vs. summer [2]

Well, you have a plan, at least. I would suggest you list the similarities and differences between the two types of driving, then go point by point, alternating within each paragraph. So, for instance:

Body Paragraph 1: coping with weather conditions. Summer: mostly nice, sometimes have to deal with rain. Winter: mostly icy, bad driving conditions persist much longer.

Body Paragraph 2: Same thing, but with a different point. And so on.

Undergraduate / True Spirit of Maples~ any advice is welcomed,thanks [10]

I like the essay. The maple metaphor is really strong and original. You have a few minor grammatical errors you should revise for, though.

"I spent more than 10 years learning to understand the true spirit of maples"

"I should bravely face the hurdles in my life like the maples do !"

"I considered it as a valuable chance for meto enjoyed the collision of various ideas and to learn from people of different backgrounds"

Also:


What was improper about it? Or do you just mean that you didn't have much time in which to prepare? They aren't the same thing.


Actually, no. The maples, like most trees, are stationary. They are forced to cope with whatever weather comes along. It's a good metaphor for most of the essay, but this part needs tweaking.

Undergraduate / I'm from China - common app personal statement [10]


Nice metaphor. Good job.

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]


Okay, the repetition works for awhile, but you draw it out a bit too long. Try making the one where you switch from positive to negative your last one.

The rest of your paragraph is wordy. Tighten your writing wherever possible. For instance:

Before: "The United States is currently on a debate over the legalization of same sex marriages. Several issues are to be taken into consideration in this debate."

After: "The debate over same-sex marriage in the U.S. involves several issues."

You can do this for pretty much every couple of sentences. Also, perhaps you should start by looking at *why* mixed-sex married couples are given benefits. That would seem to be an obvious starting point. Is it in fact because doing so "supports procreation." If so, can you reasonably argue that same-sex marriages have the same potential to support procreation? If so, how? If not, then how is denying same-sex marriage discriminatory rather than a simple recognition of reality? Or is there some other reason why married couples get benefits? For that matter, would married couples get benefits if it wouldn't be political suicide to eliminate them? That is, is it the case that marriage itself is no longer particularly socially valued except for reasons of tradition? After all, equality in this area could also be achieved by simply not giving any benefits to any married couples.

Undergraduate / common app essay- first topic- "The Palpitation" [2]


Ow. The experience you describe, while it must have been terrifying, was not in fact a matter of choice. It was a medical condition you probably couldn't do anything about at the time. Whereas, these examples are of people who made courageous decisions. That is, while you presumably had no choice about your heart condition, Rosa Parks could have chosen to move. So could the protester at Tienanmen. Putting yourself in the same category as them based on the experience you describe is not only arrogant, it shows an almost frightening lack of understanding and empathy for those people. Take this out, and spend more time talking about how you reacted to the experience after getting out of the hospital, what you learned, how this will make you a better student, etc.

Undergraduate / I'm from China - common app personal statement [10]


Well, yes. A perfectly fine answer if you're, say, God, and cannot be comprehended by mere mortals. A tad over the top for everyone else.

Hmmmm . . . a nice list. Now, pick one (or maybe two or three, but one is fine) of these items, and discuss it in detail. Most uni. applications have plenty of sections where you get to list stuff about yourself. What they want in the essays is a chance to learn more about you in detail.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay:: Studying abroad, advantages and disadvantages. [8]

The rest of the essay follows a fairly standard format. You present both the advantages and the disadvantages -- you just never explain why you think the one set outweighs the other.

Undergraduate / "Crash" - Tranfer essay for common app [4]

???

Why have you written this essay? None of what you say for the first four paragraphs is at all relevant to why you want to transfer. I don't even know where you are transferring from, much less why. The only reason you hint at towards the end is that you think going to university will be better for your career, which is probably true, but which hardly needs an essay to express the idea. Also:


Not gonna happen. Certainly not gonna happen in medicine. You may take great satisfaction from your work, but you're going to feel it.

Undergraduate / "just go back in the cage..." - An extracurricular activity essay [6]

Your new version is better, but still falls short. What you need to do is to elaborate on this:


Why do you find this fun and satisfying, given how horrible you say the job is?

Undergraduate / Common App essay - a new approach to an old prompt [4]

Um. You are aware that the point of this essay is to show what a *good* candidate you are, right? Not being able to think of a single social or political concern to write about due to self-confessed apathy is not a step in the right direction, as far as that goes.

In fact, the essay is entirely too negative for this sort of thing, as you have turned it into an essay on a personal weakness, which you absolutely do not have to do. I see what you are trying to do, but the pile of metaphors and the attempts to be clever cannot erase the primary images you start out with, images that reveal you to be someone full of


and who has a


.

Be smarter and less clever, and write about an issue that shows you take an interest in the wider world around you.

Undergraduate / Looking for advice on one sentence of admission essay [7]

Wuskin's revision isn't bad. However, the sentence itself is so replete with hyperbole that you should probably cut it altogether, revised or not.

Undergraduate / I still don't know, what who I want to become [6]

Meh. A mediocre essay that could apply to just about any university if you just changed the name of the place you were applying to. What about Stanford makes you want to go there instead of to some other university with "outstanding research facilities and distinguished professors" and "a music program"? Answer that question, and you will have a much better essay.

Oh, and its "what I want(ed) to become"

Undergraduate / "privileged with several years of study" - FSU college essay [4]


Yes.


Well, then, good luck.

Writing Feedback / 'My sister's problems and solutions' - concise narrative describe a meaningful event [3]


"fateful" night?

Wait a minute, this is a university application essay? This won't do at all, then. Your sister as an inspirational person is an okay topic, but if the best inspiration she has ever given you is the ability to do 10 push ups to avoid being laughed at, well, that doesn't say a whole lot of good things about you. You need this essay to show how deep and reflective you are, and at the moment, it doesn't do that.

Letters / Letter to a professor who offered me a research job [5]

Oh dear. The grammar here goes beyond being rough; it becomes something more like a wilderness of error and confusion. It is difficult to make suggestions because I am not entirely sure what you mean most of the time. Here is something that I think might be what you are trying to say:

Dear **

I cannot think of a better job for me than the research position you are offering. The job perfectly blends the type of work I am looking for with my personal interests. I therefore gladly accept your offer. I assure you that my hard work and dedication will amply repay your trust in me. I thank you kindly for providing me with this excellent career opportunity.

With regards

Is this along the right lines, at least?

Undergraduate / Michigan Engineering Short Essay [3]

I like your opening narrative and the specific examples you use to illustrate your interest in engineering. It would have been nice, though, had you been just as specific about your future aspirations.


is fairly vague. What sort of devices do you have an interest in creating? How would you like to benefit mankind?