Posts by Pahan - page 46

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend? [7]

There are several reasons of this alarming trend, but measures could certainly taken to tackle the problem.

There are several reasons for this alarming trend, but measures could be taken to tackle the problem.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth in the average weight.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth of the average weight.

Firstly, in busy life, many people do not have time to make meals, instead, they rely on fast foods which are incredibly high in fat, salt and sugar are responsible for such ailment as obesity.

People nowadays have a busy life and they do not have time to make meals for themselves. Instead they rely on fast foods which are high in fat, salt and sugar.

I think you have presented very good points in the last paragraph. Try to reduce the length of the sentences because I felt as if though they were a little too long. Try to correct the grammatical errors also. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic. women's role in modern society [5]

You are a very good writer and your essay has a nice flow.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.

But with the development of industry, the role of women in modern society has significantly changed after the First World War.

I think it would be a good idea to state how the development of industry changed the role of women because I can't find a direct connection between them.

The industrial revolution brought about a change in the role of women.

I think it's spelled Quran. I'm not sure because I'm not a Muslim but I am somewhat familiar with the religion.

You have written a good essay, but I fear that you have not justified what is required. You have twice said that man is not sexually discriminated (to which I agree...) but have not presented anything to back it up. Instead you have focused on saying how women are still mistreated because they are women. I think you should present an argument saying why man is not sexually discriminated.

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Talents; Born with them or not? IELTS [6]

You have good points for your essay, but there are a few grammatical errors here and there.

Admittedly, people with talent will have greater achievement then those people who don't have.

People who are born with talent will have greater success than those who are born without it. .... OR...
People who are born with talent will achieve more than those who are born without it.

Such as the superior singer Michael Jackson, who will never be so successes without his talented voice.

A voice is actually not a talent. His ability to sing was actually the talent you are talking about. He had a gifted voice however. But i always thought that MJ was so successful because of his dance moves. ;)

The king of pop, Michael Jackson, would have never been so successful without his talent at singing.

I agree with the fact that talent is something a person should be born with. It can not be given to you in anyway. However by training hard and long you can refine your skill, and if you are anyway talented at it you will succeed very easily. Stress the importance of refining your skill more in your essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Undergraduate / My Father, My Hero - Personal Essay [7]

This essay is not bad but i feel that it needs improvement.

Throughout a child's life their parents guide them into the right direction while being there every step of the way.

This is true to every child and therefore needs to be presented properly.
Parents guide their children throughout their lives. They will make sure that their child is on the right path and would be there for him every step of the way.

At a young age I did not have a mother figure in my life, she unexpectedly walked out leaving my military dad with two young girls and it was up to him to take on the roles of a mother and father.

...This is an important part of your essay as it shows the huge responsibility your father had been left with. I think it would sound better like this.

My mother walked out on my father when i was just a little girl, leaving him to take care of me and my sister all alone whilst he served in the military.

The part where you say unlike my mother is inappropriate because it is hard to understand the connection between that and the part that follows.

I like the way you have shown how much you and your dad were close. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Universities and high schools should teach students specific careers [3]

You have understood the topic of the essay correctly. Here are a few suggestions that may improve it furher...

However, I disagree with this statements , because students can be well ~~adjusted~~prepared for~~in their field for~~ their future in their desired field, and by ~~studying about~~offering coursed on specific careers, universities and high schools can raise their attendance rate ~~of in school~~ .

Give examples for your reasoning
hope my suggestions help :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

:D hahahahaaa

But writing is a very important skill you know :D
You cannot master it without practicing :D .... Read good essays as Dumi often suggests to the guys who practice for TOEFL and IELTS. It helps a lot!

Don't let your good ideas go waste... Pen them down; rather type them here and post ... I will keep helping you!
Cheer up my friend! :D

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

:D no problem. If you rewrite the essay please post it here. I'm very happy to help you. As I said before you have pointed out some very good ideas, but i think its presentation you need to improve on. Keep on writing so and you will get better and better. And always try to enjoy it. :D

Hope you get high marks for your exam.
Good luck. (Y)

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY Success is something which is so dear that everyone seeks [5]

Hey don't worry about the exam. It isn't as hard as you think. Well everybody is scared of exams before they actually do it right?? hehe.. So relax, and keep on writing. The more you write the more you learn. And the more fun it gets!! :D

If you rewrite this essay post it here. I'm more than happy to help. I think Dumi's advise is important to you...

Pay attention to this structure ! That will help you earn marks :)

By the way your writing is not bad and I'm confident that it will get you through the exam. But I'm sure you can improve a lot more. And that would improve your confidence too.

When is the exam anyway? Is it in the near future??

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

This is a very good topic to write about. And you have some very good points in your essay.
Here are a few suggestions....

there is not an official culture that every person must be a part of but all cultures are respected equally

.... saying "official culture" doesn't seem to sound too good. Try rephrasing the sentence like this.
There is no prominent culture in this kind of society. All cultures are respected equally and everyone is a part of each culture.

So what are the positive sides and ~~what are~~ the negative ones when living and working in a multicultural society?

... Try to keep questions inside the essay short.

Through multiculturalism, we have opened our minds and have had the opportunities to expose to many different things.

... There are a few grammar mistakes in this sentence.
Through multiculturalism, we have the opportunity to expose ourselves to many different things. This would enrich our knowledge about the world. ... I take that by saying "opened our minds" you are referring to the knowledge one has about the world.

Overall you have done a good job. Hope my suggestions are of use to you. :)

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App - Signifant Influence of a person - Lost Child [3]

It is a nice story. But you have written it in the present tense and it has happened a long time ago in your life. And there are parts in your essay where the past tense is also used making it a little confusing at times.

The impact on your life due to the girl is unclear. You say that you admired her courage but you did not specify how it impacted you as a person. Also being lucky to have good parents does not seem to have any connection between the influence the little girl had on you.

The story itself is pretty good one, but i think you have not justified the requirement of the essay. Try elaborating on something you did due to the girl's influence on you. That would align the essay with the topic.

hope this helps. :)

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY Success is something which is so dear that everyone seeks [5]

You have good ideas..
Here are a few suggestions to improve your essay.

Success means different things to different people.

.... This is good point. Try presenting it in a better manner.
Different people have different opinions on what success is.

For some, success is about being successful...

You have said "others think" twice in a short gap. It sorts of breaks the nice flow of your essay up to that point.

Many believe success is about having a great job with a really good salary. Others believe it is about getting good grades at school and university. Only a very few people think that it is about having pleasant and prosperous life.

Cause less in confidence from my opinion leads to inaction and shyness.

In my point of view, being less confident makes one shy and inactive.

In fact, I had a friend in my school ...

This sentence is too long. And it sounds as if you are talking to yourself. Try to break it down.
I had a shy friend who had a very strong voice. One day he got the opportunity to sing in front of a large crowd and win our school a contest. He could ahve won it easily with the amazing voice he had. But due to his lack of confidence he did not even take part in the competition.

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Common Application - significant experience, Chance [8]

Hmmm... I did feel the transition from music to becoming a doctor was inappropriate. Also the topic of your essay seem to be asking for something different. I think it would be better write something controversial that took place in your life. Or a significant achievement you have accomplished. Maybe something that could have been life threatening or dangerous. Also i believe you have a word count for your essay so keep that in mind as well.

If you do write something post it here. I'm more than happy to help. :)

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / CU boulder essay; influential person - parents; My father has taught me lessons in life [5]

This is a good essay. I can suggest a few alterations though.

Also, with little support from anyone just the will power to succeed is a trait that makes her an extraordinary person.

This sentence has some issues. I suggest:
She had very little support from anyone but her will to succeed in life is a trait makes her an extraordinary person.

My father has taught me lessons in life that I am sure will help me succeed to become a hardworking, honest, and intelligent man. In everything that I do, whether it is sports, academics, or social life my father pushes me to exceed the standards.

This is an important part of your essay since you have already shown that your mother had done a lot for your family.
My father too has always been by my side. He has guided me through life and has helped me reach the goals I have set for myself and at times helped me surpass them. My father's dedication would no doubt help me become a hardworking,honest and intelligent man.

Hope my suggestions are helpful.
:)

Pahan

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Common Application - significant experience, Chance [8]

Hi,
You are a good writer and I hope my suggestions would further improve your writing skills.

Now, a price for a piano was not cheap, and with the financial problems we and our country were experiencing, a piano was not an option.

This sentence seems to have a few issues. It isn't clear when the price of piano wasn't cheap and also. I also feel as if the sentence is a bit too long.Try:

The financial situation of my family as not great and a piano was certainly not an option for they were very expensive at the time.

After a discussion with my dad, they decided to get me a keyboard, 9000 Baht, right from the emergency savings

My parents had a long discussion about my request and they decided to buy me a proper keyboard using the emergency savings.

the chance for me to have a talent

I don't think this sounds right. You will always have a talent and you need a chance to show it.
:)

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / NYU Personal Essay -Person with significant influence; Mother -she is stronger than anyone [5]

It's a good essay.... :)
I only have a few suggestions for you...

My parents left China to come to the United States several years before I was born to create a better life for their future children.

i feel as if this sentence would sound better had it been broken down to two.
My parents left China long before i was born. They moved to the US so that their future children will have a better life.

. We were to ~~live~~stay with my mother's family in China for almost two months.

It made ~~allowed~~ me to realize how much my mother has sacrificed for my brother and me.

my parents saved up enough money to let my brother and ~~and~~ myself travel to China by ourselves.

The weather was sticky and hot unlike my home city's "perfect weather" in San Diego, California.

... There is something odd about this sentence. Try this..
The weather was sticky and hot unlike the "perfect weather" in San Diego. ... This sort of tells the reader that you are from San Diego.

hope my suggestions helped.. :)

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Preeclampsia' - A personal narrative essay [5]

Hi, Hend Nga
I like the way you have presented your emotions in the essay... I do have a few suggestions nonetheless...

is it at all possible to learn harsh lessons of our life?

Why is it that we only learn the harsh lessons in life?

is it right to blame myself about my baby's death.?

Before this phrase you have used "concerning my feelings." It doesn't seem to match what you are trying say with the next phrase.

Also I think the conclusion of your essay needs a bit more elaboration. Hope my suggestions help. :)

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / My parents' sacrifices - University of Washington Short Response Essay [2]

You write well. I can suggest a few alterations for you...

At the time, China's economy was rough; no one had enough money to go to college let alone keep everyone's mouth fed.

College was not an option at the time, since China's economy was hit hard and the peoples main struggle was to feed their families.

It is these memories that I look back upon that gives me motivation to get a better education.

These are the memories that keep motivating me to pursue my academic dreams despite many hardships.

I have inherited everything that she has taught me and will continue to use what I learned to further enhance myself as an individual.

Inherit doesn't seem to be the right word here. It has the sense of something being passed down. "conceived" might be a better option. :)

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer' [5]

This is an awesome essay....
I love the way you create enthusiasm and then the utter disappointment of loosing the race, and finally how it changed you as a person....

Marvelous job and i wish you the very best. :D

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay:advantages and disadvantages of building a factory near a community [4]

You have very good points. But i think they should be presented in a better manner.

Because of the new factory many of unemployed people could find a jobs .

This is a good point. But i feel it would sound better like this.
The upbringing of a new factory could be the solution for unemployment in my community.

Otherwise benefits of Building a factory near my city it would be a big disaster.

This sentence has some issues. It is grammatically incorrect. Benefits of the factory can not be a disaster. I suggest:
Otherwise the construction of the factory would be a disaster.

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / UC prompt . A illness body and an empathy attitude [2]

Medically, one of the twins baby would have birth defect

This is might make it sound better.
Naturally, one of the twin babies would certainly have a birth defect.

Since then I understood that my body was very different than people at my age.

One day, after I came home with full of joys and ~~can't~~couldn't wait to share with my parents.

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / Keep working or study abroad - must make a decision essay [6]

I have been wondering the same thing for a long time. I haven't started working yet. But I am wondering whether I should study abroad n then come back for work. It gets confusing when your family also gets involved. :/

Why not apply for a scholarship?

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: gender discrimination in education [4]

Uneven tends to give a meaning of unbalanced. Unfair seems to sound better because it means simply means unjust.

Frankly, I do not completely support this idea on account of ~~some~~the following causes.

There is one little thing that is confusing to me.

Some human right activists argue that colleges should not limit the number of female students in any fields. Frankly, I do not completely support this idea on account of some following causes.

You are saying that you support colleges limiting the number of female students in any field. But then you must first say why you do think that they should be limited, and then say that it is nevertheless unfair to limit female students.

Pahan

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / EMORY SUP use 5 sentences to describe yourself [4]

It's hard to describe oneself in just five sentences. I think Dumi's suggestion is the best option you have. Try including stuff like what sort of character you are and your interests. Maybe an life experience that changed your personality.

Prepare your essay and post it. Would be glad to help. :)

Pahan

Nov 29, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: go straight to university or take a year off traveling [7]

I like your essay. But it seems to me that you are trying to show that it is better to travel and work during that particular year. The topic of this essay requires you to discuss both advantages and disadvantages.For example:

An adolescent abroad would not have enough experience or knowledge to deal with a very serious situation, specially if it happens while he or she travels.

If I were you, I would choose one of the body paragraphs discussing the disadvantages of working and travelling for young adolescents and maybe combine your two advantages into one paragraph. :)

Pahan

Nov 29, 2012

Writing Feedback / Science VS Religion - what is best for the people? [14]

would love some feedback.

Science VS Religion
Which is best for us?

Science and religion have battled each other for centuries and the war wages on. It is probably the oldest conflict known to mankind, and it doesn't seem to be nearing an end. Which is best for us? Which brings man closer to the truth? Let us find some answers.

One of the oldest arguments for religion to be better for humanity is that it comforts a man spiritually. Man's lust for something supernatural has always made him wonder. When it comes to science, there cannot be such a thing called supernatural. Everything should be logically explained.

Religion has asked man to simply believe what it has to say. In other words, it asks us to "have faith". Doesn't seem fair does it? Science on the other hand says something different: "this is what I think, and here's the proof". This is what has given science a slight edge over the war during the past few centuries. Man has always been able to grasp anything has been offered to him with proof. To be honest, I too feel that anything proved to be correct is worth believing. But there's a small problem.

Proof of something makes it worth believing. Proving that the same thing is false makes it confusing. Charles Darwin once said about his theory of evolution "I have enough evidence to evolution is real, I have even more evidence to prove that it is not!". What is the point of proving something if it is going to be proved wrong another day? For example Newton's laws of physics were proved to be wrong by Einstein 300 years after Newton's death. Einstein's new theories were able to change the modern scientist's view of the universe. But how long is it going to be until somebody else comes and proves that Einstein's theories were wrong? This has been something man has not been able to see. Religion has always remained the same, nothing has changed. But science changes every day!

Both science and religion have been a significant contributor to man's dominance over other beings. Religion has always been able to unite man as one, whereas science has given man the ability and passion to achieve great feats that were once thought to be impossible. But what is important realize is that both science and religion are trying to answer the same questions. Who are we? What are we doing here? What is our purpose? They may have different methods to answer these questions, but in the end it is obvious that mankind needs a delicate balance of both science and religion.