Scholarship / Nursing provides to people great care and improve their health. [4]

You do not really present any educational goals in your essay. What I have read are mostly shallow, almost child like reasons for wanting to be a nurse. You come across more as wanting to play a game of patient - nurse than actually having a calling for the vocation. How about trying to explain an interest in human anatomy and biology on your part in order to explain your educational goal for wanting to become a nurse. Displaying an interest in these to topics and then adding the fact that you were often in the care of nurses as a child would present an excellent foundation for your educational interest in nursing. Your reasoning for your career goals comes across a unrealistic as well. Just stick closer to earth and explain how you want to specialize in pediatric oncology for personal reasons (if you suffered from a form of cancer as a child) and how you wish to present the same kind of care, understanding, and empathy for those children suffering the same illness these days. The original essay that you wrote does not properly touch on these topics. The form of writing that you used is not only casual, but highly informal and uninformative. You need to strengthen the overall content of your essay in the long form before we can even begin to work on shortening it to meet the maximum word requirements.

Writing Feedback / Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad? [10]

No argument coming from me :-) I was just offering a different insight into the topic for discussion. Your grammar is good, the way you express your thoughts are critical and analytical to a great degree. However, the overall sentence structure comes across as choppy at times because of the grammar errors that appear in the paper here and there. Not to worry though, those errors are negligible /acceptable since you are an ESL learner. The overall message of your paper, including your opinion and discussion are quite clear to the reader. I don't think you should mention the industrial revolution at the start of the essay though since that is a hallmark of the 20th century evolution of mankind and society. The 21st century is embodied by the rapid technological evolution and hunger for knowledge that the technology allows people to feed upon. So just a slight adjustment to the first sentence is in order. The rest of the essay is very good work. I apologize for not having mentioned that critique before. I will remember to do that for you next time :-)

Writing Feedback / Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad? [10]

Have you given any consideration to the deeper aspect of your discussion that could say that the competition among university students no longer exists because universities now exist as the foundation of start up companies, business platforms, and networks for future business endeavors? I would have written an opposing essay obviously explaining how the competition is important but does not exist to create discord among students. Rather, the competition comes from trying to develop new ideas and business platforms that will allow them to partner with each other in support of each others ideas. Remember the story of Mark Zuckerberg and the founding Facebook? Facebook was born out of the competition between universities and students. The competition resulted in a business evolution and technological revolution. With such an outcome from the competition among university students, how can it be a disagreeable situation? The competition that it created between the students may have resulted in one of the most trail blazing lawsuits in history, but it also showed the students the importance and value of networking for future business contacts at the foundation level of their education. Think of university education in terms of 21st century business. The point of view that you currently present is dated and does not really consider the new way that education and business are intertwined from the very start of a person's educational life. This makes the competition a good thing, not a bad thing and thus, makes it a good development.

Scholarship / Five star customer services; Hospitality management - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [5]

You need to write a transition paragraph that will help ease the reader into the change of direction towards the middle of the essay from your background to your college career plans and goals. Your transitory paragraph should contain an anecdote about how your family have welcome a diverse number of people into your home over the years and always giving them a memorable experience as guests of your household. Such a story will provide the necessary basis for your interest in hospitality management. Mention things that you did when you had visitors that relate to a simple foundation of hospitality management. Placing that paragraph in the center of the essay will serve to be a more effective transition paragraph rather than the abrupt change in discussion that you have now. Your essay is coming along quite well. It is far from being ready for submission but with the proper editing, it should be ready sooner rather than later for you to use :-)

Scholarship / Five star customer services; Hospitality management - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [5]

Isabel, is there a way to connect your family and cultural background with your desire to complete a degree in Hospitality Management? It would seem that such a passion for this field of work has to come from somewhere and by presenting the foundation of this as stemming from your family and culture, you will be able to present yourself as a person who lives and breathes the objectives of a person who works in this field. You need to show how your exposure to family and traditions have helped shape your interest in this field, if that will be possible. Try to be more specific about your career goals and plans. Roll out your short term plans over the next 5 years and then hit us with your long term plans over the next 10-20 years. Maybe you want to own your hotel in your homeland in the future or work something along those lines. Discuss it. Be solid in your career goals and objectives. That way the scholarship committee members can decide if your goals and objectives align with their own.

Undergraduate / 3 minutes glory on stage, 10 years of hard work off the stage - essay about educational gap. [5]

You are going too far back in your story. Just talk about the gap year or years between high school and college. Going all the way back to the age of 5 is not required by the prompt. Since you did not end up working at the casino, you don't need to mention that either. Just go directly to the work that you did at the magic shop. There is no need to mention the work conflict that does not involve you. The point of the essay, if you don't mind me repeating it, is to show the admissions officer that you spent the gap period wisely and used it to experience life and the lessons that it has to teach you without the aid of a classroom setting. You need to concentrate your essay solely on presenting those situations and scenarios in order to address the prompt requirements in the proper manner. It does not have to be a very long biographical essay. Just talk about the gap year events in your life. Present any memorable situations that actually ended up with you learning something that you would not have learned if you did not take the gap year. Make it memorable and insightful. We want to find out how you grew as a person during that time away from school. That is all.

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

There is marked improvement in this version. However, you have not discussed how you plant to contribute to the Georgia Tech community in terms of social and academic participation. It would be in the best interest of your essay to offer an insight into these aspects, specially the social one since that is the part of the essay prompt that is not represented at all. Discuss how you feel that Georgia Tech will give you a fair shot at becoming a future Chemical Engineer instead of merely mentioning it alongside a comparison with other universities. A comparison statement is not required in this essay so it can be omitted in this statement response. Explain some plans for your studies that you feel will help enliven the academic community of the school and mention your specific extra curricular activities that you feel you can participate in which will raise the profile of the university in the public eye as well. Those are some methods by which you can further improve the response you have developed for the prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides [8]

Your work is improving by the day Ahmad. However, you need to familiarize yourself with current events and pop culture in order to be better prepared to discuss a variety of topics. Keep in mind that IELTS exams will test your knowledge of British, Australian, and world cultures, which will include current events and popular trends. This essay topic is a clear example of that. The way that you discussed the essay shows a common familiarity with the topic but not the bigger picture. The bigger picture that shows how the luxury industry is a billion dollar market that has people going into debt in order to afford the lifestyle sold by the creators of consumerist economies. That is why books and movies like The Devil Wears Prada and Confessions of a Shopaholic, even Sex at the City, all show the too much spending on a lifestyle can have negative effects on a person's life and is thus, the wrong way to spend money. However, those who know how to balance their spending, come to enjoy the benefits offered by luxury and savings. Sorry about having gone off tangent a bit there, I just felt that examples of how to balance an essay discussion is important for you to learn how to write more effectively.

That said, there are a number of grammatical errors that need to be addressed in your essay. Pointing them out below for you with corrections and suggestions :-)


- What is the point of this paragraph? Are you saying saving money is wrong? Or that saving over a long period of time for a future goal is not possible?


- Others believe however, believe...
- You have based your discussion upon an unacceptable basis. The essay begs you to discuss this issue from a professional, income earning and spending level. Using criteria based upon teenagers, who are not old enough to earn nor spend the money they earned weakens the discussion. Use only age relevant information in order to give credibility to the discussion.


- In my opinion, humans are social animals who need to spend money on their looks and images in order to create a niche for themselves within society. The amount of money that they spend may never allow them to buy a house, car, or run a business. Saving money on shoes, clothes, and haircuts won't really make a difference either. If it did, then the critics of the lavish lifestyles would have become millionaires by now.

Undergraduate / During my childhood, I was raised in a city of Bekasi in Indonesia; review for APU University Essay [3]

I don't know how to put this but, your essay is not really effective at the moment. It contains too many fillers and does not really approach the prompt requirements in the manner that it should be. You don't need to discuss your personal history at the start of the essay. That is something that the admissions officers can learn about from your other submitted documents. There is also a lack of personal connection when it comes to your decision to apply for admittance to APU. You have based your choice solely on internet research. In order to create a personal interest in the university, you need to mention some programs they offer that are relevant to your application which you feel cannot be offered by other institutions. Don't base the information on what you read on their website. More importantly, don't tell the admissions officers information about the university that you took from the website because they already know that information, thus you will be wasting their time in reading your application. Just stick to the purpose of the essay which is to enumerate the reasons that you wish to attend APU, concentrating on the methods by which you plan in fully utilizing the educational opportunities they offer. Create a definite college career plan. Don't make general references. Give the reader an idea of what the next four years of your life will be like at the university.

Undergraduate / Discovering an interest in accounting - UTexas Statement of Purpose [2]


- I can see your problem. This particular portion is quite generic in feel and substance. Rather than pointing out that accounting came naturally, why not mention instead that the paper you studied opened your eyes to a facet of number relationships that you did not consider during your regular math classes? Make accounting sound like something that you enjoyed because you learned something new rather than a natural ability. Everyone else applying for this course will be saying the same thing. So your goal is to make yourself stand out by saying something different from them.

I originally thought that this was for a fresh college or masters application, apparently you are applying as a transfer student right? In which case, your introductory paragraph can actually be skipped, jumping instead to the reasons as to why you are looking to transfer from the community college to a business school. That is more logical to explain since your past academic background should only be a mere mention and not an integral part of the essay. This will be the purpose part of the essay and should therefore be the foundation of the whole paper. Placed right at the beginning, you will find that the rest of the paper will flow much more smoothly and seem more relevant to the essay prompt.

I don't really see the relevance of your extra curricular activities at this point. Rather, I would concentrate on the purpose of your application and your personal reasons for wanting to transfer. That of being a first generation college student will create a strong compelling personal reason for your school transfer. If you shorten the essay to cover just the purpose and personal reason, the essay will come across as concise and truly interesting to read. Limiting the content of the essay to the most important reasons assures a better chance that the admissions officer will finish reading the essay and consider all the factors that you have presented.

Undergraduate / Since childhood, I heard a quote "Hard work is the key to success" from every successful person. [2]

Kindly clarify the common app essay prompt that you are trying to respond to with this narrative. It seems to me that you are trying to respond to at least 3 different prompt requirements in one essay. Which makes the essay distracting to read as you have a number of stories ongoing within which do not really offer a resolution by the end of the paragraphs. Are you trying to tell a "childhood to adulthood transition" essay, an "obstacle you had to overcome and lesson learned" essay, or "a significant event" essay? All three of these themes are currently present but under developed in your writing. What you need to do is focus the essay on the correct prompt, provide all of its requirements, and then edit the paper to ensure it is the strongest that it can be. As of this moment, the generalized essay offers a glimpse into your life but no real character development or life lesson learned and valued which can help shape your future.

Undergraduate / My father always told me that Grades don't test my Intelligence [6]

My take on your essay is this. Consider what the prompt is truly asking you to discuss. Are you supposed to concentrate on the importance of education or your goals for the future and how your chosen major plays a role in it? It would have really helped better if you had provided the actual prompt for this essay so that the other advisers here could have gotten a better picture of what you are supposed to write about. By the way, are you sure you wanted to say they could not afford a "3 day meal" and not "3 meals a day?" There is marked difference between the meaning of the two statements which changes the meaning and understanding of your essay by the reader. Rather than presenting this generic essay that looks to the importance of education in 2 manners, try to concentrate on what the prompt is really asking you to discuss and revise your content accordingly.

Graduate / Why I study Master Program (Mechanical) - Naval Architecture and Marine Engineering [2]

Your statement of purpose essay is too simplistic in content and does not display the kind of information and expertise that would impress the admissions officers reading your essay. You need to develop the essay to reflect a higher intellectual calling rather than this college level essay that you wrote. There are actually a number of guide questions that you can use to help you write this essay at a higher level. Let me share those guide questions with you below:

1. What is your current profession? How long have you been working in the position? Don;t forget that you need to have at least 1.5 years of working experience prior to your masters degree application. Make sure to mention your number of years working in your essay.

2. Do you have a purpose for your desire to enter into higher studies? You need to explain the reasons why you feel that you need a degree at this higher level. Is it just for your intellectual growth? Or do you plan on pursuing a higher employment position or change in employment in the future that will warrant advanced studies?

3. Give an overview of your college education. Concentrate on your more recent training or seminars attended that are relevant to your profession. This will give the admissions officers and idea as to your current theoretical level of understanding of your job requirements.

4. Explain thoroughly what your short and long term plans are and how you plan to take advantage of the university master course program to achieve those end results.

Once you respond to those basic guide questions, you will not only have revised your essay, but you will also have offered the most necessary information that will be considered by the admissions officers when deciding your merits as a future masters degree student.

Undergraduate / My initial interest in naval service came from the death of my Tata [2]

While it is nice to see that there is a naval legacy in your family, which is an excellent basis for having a naval career, too much of the first part of the essay was spent discussing your Tata and how he served in the U.S. Navy. You should be presenting more information about how you used his inspiration to dream of becoming a naval officer as well. You need to better define your long range goals. Try to think of the naval officer position that you wish to attain and discuss how you believe that by doing so, you will be able to honor the memory of your grandfather and continue the legacy of service to your homeland that he instilled in your family. Never give an idea in general terms.

You should revise the essay in such a manner that it allows the reasons for your wishing to join the navy and your personal experiences have led you to the realization that a naval career is the only way that you can achieve your life ambitions. Use transition sentences to connect the parts. Focus on detailing how you hope to become a better person with their help. The character building story that you chose is good and, if you revise that part of the essay to explain how you hope that the navy can help you build a better character for yourself, then you will have been able to use the story to its fullest effect in your application.

Writing Feedback / Most people have watched a comedy show on TV with their families at least once in their lives; TOEFL [6]

Hi Kim, I was just wondering why you did not present your opinion in the introductory paragraph as clearly as you should have? The opening statement comes across as just a generalized line of reasoning in this case and as such, does not really reflect the prompt requirement. Kindly point out for all concerned what your actual opinion is by setting up the sentence in that manner. Use the pronoun I in order to make it absolutely clear to the readers.

I wish that you had managed to balance the essay by presenting both the supporting and non-supporting discussion in your essay. You have discussed the topic using only pop television as the basis of your argument. Which makes it flawed because you have failed to consider that there are 24 hour cable channels such as National Geographic, Discovery, and History Channel which exist for the sole purpose of educating people from all walks of live and ages. This is something that these television stations have successfully pursued for decades now. Thus proving that television can and should be dedicated to the education of people.

Television shows are always developed to help educate people. Programs from CSI, Grey's Anatomy, Homeland, State of Affairs, Scorpion, even the Food Network Shows are all designed to educate people in an entertaining manner. These shows all share one thing in common, they educate people in the guise of entertainment and people lap it up. Learning while enjoying the program. Considering the purpose of television from the point of view of these shows creators proves that television's sole purpose is to educate, the entertainment is something that just happens to result from their implementation of the show.

Give it some deeper thought. I think that you can still revise your essay to be more balanced and offer a more personalized opinion that is not so close minded in development. Think of the deeper reasons you watch television and how you have been intellectually affected by the shows that you watch. You will realize that most of your education stems from the shows you watch.

Undergraduate / I felt a small spark kindle inside me - Application Essay for Summer Biotechnology Program [6]

What appealed to you about Science in high school is very evident in this essay. What you need to clarify, is how you plan to further expand upon that inspiration during your time at the summer program. I am sure that there is a portion of Biotechnology that appeals to you the most and that you will definitely wish to pursue further if given the chance to do so. I strongly recommend that you present any possible summer project that you wish to pursue during your time at the institute. Having a definite plan of action to pursue, in accordance with the reasons you are interested in science will help to strengthen your application. Don't submit a generic essay like the one you have now. Let them know that you are deadly serious about attending this summer camp and that you have specific reasons for doing so. That will appeal to them more than just a simple narrative about the development of your interest in science. Develop a project, discuss how you hope the institute can help you research it, then inform them about how you hope to complete the simple research over the summer. That should work well for you :-)

Undergraduate / 3 minutes glory on stage, 10 years of hard work off the stage - essay about educational gap. [5]

You present an interesting story about what you did during your gap season. However, you did not really do much to enrich our idea of you as a person through the story because it remained very light and almost non-committal in the sense of what you learned if at all during this time. Your gap year story should always portray a sense of continued education in an informal setting, a sense of maturity with regards to your intellectual and logical judgements, and a growing acceptance of responsibility on your part. The story that you narrated has the potential to present such aspects of your development but failed to do so. In order to create a more effective essay then, please limit the description of the job that you did not accept. In fact, delete that portion and just stick to the one that you accepted and build upon the growth and development that you experienced during your time there. Be specific mention details that will help support your claims and allow the reader a deeper understanding of how this gap season affected you over all.

Undergraduate / 'perception of life and death'- Quest Bridge Essay - Need Revision [2]

Okay, this particular essay that you wrote does not respond to the prompt at all. What you wrote, in my opinion, best suits a "challenging a belief or idea" essay more than a diversity experience essay. Your topic is dark and does not really portray diversity since death is a common bonding factor for those undergoing their last moments alive. My advice is that you rework the essay. Lighten your topic choice to reflect an experience with diversity. Talk about a volunteer activity in an underprivileged community, working with people of a different race on a school project or formal workplace, or anything similar that will show how you developed a relationship with people of a different race, culture, belief, or religion. Those are the topics that are normally discussed and are considered acceptable for this type of prompt. The current essay just does not display the importance of diversity in your life. This is an essay about death, not diversity.

Undergraduate / 'Breaker / Just Go Back' - Common App Personal Statement [2]

Aside from the grammatical errors that need to be corrected (I'll point those out below), you have written a very thorough and prompt responsive essay. It shows your persevering and determined attitude which is always a good thing when it comes to catching the attention of the admissions officer. However, I think that you need to mention something about your mother applauding your "break down the wall" attitude which is in direct opposition to what she taught you to do in life. It would be more poignant and meaningful in terms of personal character building than talking about a final edition and looking forward to the next one. You can still look forward to the next one, just relate it more to the opening statement that you made for continuity purposes.

Letters / MOTIVATION LETTER FOR GRADUATE STUDY IN INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS; previous managerial work [2]

While formally called a letter, the format for this paper is actually that of a normal essay. Change your format to reflect an academic essay writing style instead. Since the letter is all about your motivation, you need not offer a biography of your past academic activities unless some of those accomplishments directly relate to your desire for higher academic studies in the masters field. Remember that the essay is all about your motivation for higher studies. The motivation could be anything from a desire to advance your knowledge for the benefit of job advancement or, more importantly, a desire to create a change in the field of work that you are currently engaged in. Portray an idea for a project, change in work procedure, or the like that you have which you know will help create an improved system in the workplace. Use that as your primary motivation for pursuing higher studies. Your current essay is tepid and really plays safe with the the information presented. There is no clear passion for your field of work leaping off the page. Perhaps the addition of a direction for your career in terms of career goals as a motivation will help you achieve that personal connection with the page.

Graduate / What do you want to be when you grow up?; PA Narrative [2]

In order to accurately portray the development of your desire to work in the medical field, you need to add more information about your early exposure to the line of work. What were the events in your life that fond you thrown into this world? How did the exposure affect your mindset? What careers did you consider in the medical field before you settled upon the PA position? It would be very helpful to your narrative if you presented the influences to your career Remember, as a child, your dreams for future jobs vary from day to day or trend to trend. So you need to provide a solid development for your interest in the medical field. Try not to make it sound like your decision to study to become a PA was just based upon the say so of other people. Just like other medical careers, the PA practitioner considers it a calling rather than a normal occupation. Provide the basis of that calling and limit the reference to having purely done research as the basis for your decision. The decision to become a PA should only be the end result of your interest in the field. Not the pure basis of it.

Graduate / Social work aims at attuning and guiding individuals to a sense of security and safety [3]

The main problem that I see with your letter of intent is that you have a generalized rather than centralized take on the problem that you wish to make an impact upon. Granted that your exposure to these diverse communities through XXX has exposed you to their multifaceted world of problems, surely that is one problem in particular that afflicts their community which you believe you can help them resolve. The best approach to that part of the essay would be to draw upon your personal experience with one of the boys you worked with in particular. Choose the boy whom you saw change before your very eyes. What his situation? How did you help him resolve it? What is he like as a member of society today? Those are factors that you have to consider when looking for the cause that is close to your heart and your desire to help those who are immersed in the situation. Don't generalize the problems of their community as you have done so now. It is important that you show an empathy for a very specific problem in order to create a driving force and purpose for your desire to complete these masters studies. Your conclusion should be filled with hope and plans for the future regarding the cause you are aiming to help resolve. Anything from individualized care as their SW officer or as the head of a foundation set up to help them through their rough patches, projects such as these will help you present yourself as a focused individual with a solid desire to help those whom at this point, cannot help themselves.

Undergraduate / there is a world beyond the classroom / my way of seeking social responsibility [3]

You come across as a socially conscious and responsible individual who has set out to make the world a better place to live. Both essay show a strength of personality that can only be found in people of much more mature years. Each essay is a narrative that allows us to see the kind of logic and upbringing that you had. Don't be uncomfortable with the mention of growing up in an America filled with economic scandal. That is a reality, there is a generation of Americans who grew up knowing nothing but the words sub-prime mortgage crisis, Enron, Fanny Mae & Freddy Mac, and the like. That is a part of who you are and those are some of the events that has helped shape the course for your college generation. Both prompts were properly addressed although I am not so sure how your extra curricular essay will be received since you mentioned that you no longer participate in the tutoring service. They may want a reference to an extra curricular activity that you are currently engaged in. I would suggest you come up with a back up essay for that one just in case. Can you call someone at the university to find out if they require that activity to be current or not? Just to be on the safe side and make sure that your essay will be an asset to your application instead of a liability :-)

Undergraduate / UBC application mini essay - in order to obtain fulfillment in life, you need to expand your horizon [3]

Your response does not properly address the prompt. What happened to you does not really represent a significant challenge in your life. In fact, it is not even a challenge because you backed down and did not proceed with your contest application. There was no lesson learned from this event. The things that you mentioned as being lessons you learned do not even directly apply to the aftermath of the event. The essay itself is weak and irrelevant to the prompt. I strongly advice you to change the essay. Reflect upon a real challenge you faced, failed at, and learned a lesson from. Remember, this has to be a life changing event that influenced you to become a better person and stand up to your fears. That is not really relevant in this narrative. Your reaction has to relate to the event. In this case, everything seems to be an independent action on your part that may or may not have been influenced by your backing out of the contest. Backing out of the contest made this an insignificant event and does not really merit or warrant a significant challenge classification.

Writing Feedback / Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides [8]

That is one way of writing the essay. Placing your opinion at the end though, as a part of the conclusion, does not leave you too much room to properly express your opinion and develop your line of reasoning. Which is why it is best to deliver it as a stand alone paragraph which is well developed and discussed. As for presenting it at the start of the essay, you need to keep in mind that an examiner will be reading numerous essays within a matter of hours and he will tend to get bored and tired of the repeated essays that he reads. By presenting the pertinent information at the very start, you create a notable hook that will keep him hopefully interested in what you have to say to the very end. For example, if he already knows the common opinions about a given topic, then he will tend to take your essay lightly. However, if you present your personal opinion on the matter at the top of the essay, he may decide to read your paper through and give you better marks because you made him interested to find out about your personal opinion. With regards to the coherency of the essay, there will not be any confusion regarding the content because you are going to always specify that the essay will discuss the following topics including your personal opinion that... Which gives the reader an idea of the flow of the essay discussion. Provided you use good transition sentence or paragraphs before moving on to the next topic up for discussion, there should not be any problem with that.

You also need to view these practice IELTS tests in another manner. While practicing for the IELTS, you will also be able to practice writing your common application essay writing skills for your further studies. As such, treating the IELTS test in the same manner as an academic application, you will be able to hit two birds with one stone. You will be able to practice for your formal exam and also allow yourself an opportunity to practice academic writing for your other university applications :-)

This is just my opinion of course and if you wish to follow the format you are already used to then I will adjust to it :-) I would hate for you to have to develop a new style of essay writing if you are not comfortable with it. I look forward to your revision :-)

Writing Feedback / I started my first job as a Graduate Engineer Trainee; SOP - Applying for Master's [3]

Your essay is quite strong and certainly presents the 4 major information requirements that led you to consider enrolling in a masters degree course. However, the conclusion you wrote is not as strong as the first half of your essay. I would like you to think about strengthening the concluding portion by discussing how you plan to utilize the opportunities offered at NTU instead. Show the admissions officer that you have a definite study path in mind for yourself at the university which will culminate in a grand research project that you hope will revolutionize supply chain management. Such lofty goals and ambitions are always well received by the admissions officers because it tells them that you are definitely going to stay the course, regardless of how difficult it may be for you and that you will graduate within the expected time frame for a masters student.

Writing Feedback / Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides [8]

Oops! Your introductory paragraph was going quite well until it ended without the presentation of your opinion as the last sentence in the paragraph. I guess it might have slipped your mind? Remember that the essay writing rules requires a statement of the prompt, overview of the discussion, and your opinion before you can proceed to the individualized or discussion by topic.

Now, now, you should know better than to present a new idea at the end of the essay. Your conclusion should not contain your point of view. Instead, your point of view should be presented as a well developed stand alone paragraph within the essay. You will need to revise that part in order to properly meet the essay rules.

Grammatical errors exist in the essay and I look forward to pointing them out to you for correction. However, I need you to fix the problem parts first so that we can limit the number of revisions you will have to perform. I'll get back to you with that list of corrections the minute you get back to me with the revised and improved essay.

I am not going to fault your essay regarding content because the discussion you presented is quite informative, analytical, and well developed. I can see that you are beginning to think beyond the obvious with your reasoning and that shows a marked improvement in your writing style and skill :-)

Writing Feedback / Spend money on computers or teachers' wages? discuss both viewpoints [6]

Excellent work! You not only considered both sides of the issue, but you also successfully argued both sides in a believable manner. That means that you have offered your reader a chance to make an informed decision about a topic of great importance. The personal opinion that you used to weigh on on the topic also proves that you have taken great care in considering all the pros and cons of the arguments provided, thus giving your opinion greater weight as it is based upon insight rather than commonly known and considered information. This is truly an essay you should be proud of because you have given a perfect argument to for your topic. Although there are some grammatical errors here and there, it did not distract the reader from the strong and interesting discussion that you presented. Keep up the good work :-)

Scholarship / My vision and dreams - Scholarship Motivation letter [3]

Milorad, since you have already been a recipient of this scholarship in the past, explaining to them what you have learned in summary form would be best. Don't forget that your main goal in this letter is to not only convince them that you spent the scholarship money wisely in the past, but that you will continue to do so in the future as well. You claim to continue to have financial difficulties which will prevent you from pursuing your studies further hence your need for the renewed scholarship. You need to convince the scholarship officers that your financial situation has changed in a way, present a sort of improvement to your financial status, but make it clear that this financial gain is not enough to support the needs of a full-time student. After your first year as a student, you are normally allowed to seek work either on campus or off campus already. Explain to the committee why you have not done so and if you have, why you have been unsuccessful in gaining employment to help with your tuition and other fees. It is kind of hard to believe that your financial situation has not changed for the better even minutely at this point. There are thousands of other applicants for the same scholarship who have more immediate and graver reasons for requiring the scholarship. Your essay does not present any important reason that they should continue to award you this free money for your studies. You need to create a more compelling letter that presents remarkable achievements in the past that would be an assurance that you have a future in this field and you will be able to repay the debt of gratitude that you owe the scholarship foundation in the future.

Undergraduate / why usc? essay, already submitted but considering re-using basic topic [2]

The latter part of your essay that truly deals with the reasons you consider USC the university for you is the only part of this essay that actually answers the prompt. You provided a greatly revealing insight into the academic world of USC that attracted you to put yourself up for consideration as a student at the college during the upcoming term. Now, in all statements of this type, you are required to balance your academic reason with your social or extra curricular reasons. If you immediately start the essay with the academic reason and delete your long winded and irrelevant opening statement, you will have enough word count available to present the social and extra curricular reasons you decided to approach the university. That will balance the statement by giving a balanced point of view for considering USC your school of choice. By the way, don't forget to proof read your essay for grammatical errors during your revision. I found one error that needs to be corrected:


- ... appeals to me because...

Undergraduate / I completely failed, just as I had predicted; UC -OVERCOMING FAILURE [2]

One of the important factors that need to be represented in this essay is the method by which the event that you related helped define the kind of person you are, there is no clear development regarding how your managed to turn this success into a failure. What other people told you to make you feel better about losing the election is not the same as the self-realization that you may have had after which may have then caused a change in your personality. I am looking for the direct connection between the event and the person who you are. You need to set up the foundation for your story by telling the admissions officer the kind of person you are when it comes to dealing with failure. That way when you tell him or her about the lesson you learned and the change in your personality, we will know the reasons behind the significance of the loss. Build up to the change in your mindset about failure and how it has helped you become a better person today. I believe that is what is lacking in your essay.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY about three things to take from a burning house. [2]

When you ask us to help you trim down your essay, we need to know what your minimum and maximum word count is. That is the basis for the way we will be editing the content of your essay and will help us decide which paragraphs and sentences can be merged for this purpose. At the moment, you have too many background stories attached to every item. I realize that you believe all the stories you share show the significance and importance of each item to you. In reality, you need only pick the most important memory you have of each item in order to drive that point home. Too many anecdotes about one item tends to make the essay tedious and repetitive to read. Try to focus on the most important reasons, be it a memory or an actual purpose that these items reach out to you so that the reader can sense its importance to you.

The essay certainly gets a number of things across about you as a person. The way you value these things shows the way that you view your life and the events that have already transpired in it. There is a clear character development in the way you wrote the stories. However, these stories, as I mentioned earlier, need to be cut down in the best interest of the reader. Having reviewed your essay a number of times before offering this advice, I can safely tell you that lessening the stories will not affect the message you want to get across so I suggest you try an edited, shorter version of your essay before you decide whether to submit this long version or not.

Graduate / 'theoretical and practical knowledge' - Statement of Purpose for Economic Admission [2]

Don't write this statement of purpose the way you would a formal letter. Most applicants tend to make that mistake when first starting their drafts. The format for this statement is still that of an ordinary essay. Remember, this essay is not going to be addressed to a particular person, but a body of people who will analyze the merits of your application. So the formality of a letter is set aside in favor of a more relaxed yet formal, academic essay.

The first paragraph must relate your purpose for masters studies with your current work/profession. This means that the two topics are directly related and show a definite career progression for you once you complete your masters studies. I am certain that I did not see any sort of career progression to this effect within the essay. Your certainty of what economics will demand of you in the future serves as an insight into your possible career plans, but does not connect your current position with the future. You see, one of the main purposes for masters studies is future promotions or career enhancement opportunities. You need to ensure that one or both are reflected accurately in your statement.

Do not spend a tremendous amount of the essay discussing your tertiary education achievements. What will actually interest the admissions officer at this point is, aside from the number of years you have for your work experience, is your consistent participation in seminars or training programs that show your passion for your profession and dedication to the job. It is that drive to continuously stay ahead of the game that will make the admissions officer realize that you are not going to have a problem giving your best in both your academic and professional undertaking, even if you have to do both at the same time.

Definitely avoid the cliche at the end of your concluding paragraph. It lessened the overall impact of your statement and did not really relate to anything that you had to say after it in the conclusion. In such instances, it is always better to just keep the conclusion hopeful and simple by offering a vision of your short and long term career goals upon graduation.

Undergraduate / Diversity: Be Grateful For It - Common Application Essay for Boston University [2]

Your essay is quite theoretical and academic in nature. While the prompt does allow you some room for personal insight on the subject of diversity, it also requires you to present a personal experience based upon the same that would allow the admissions officer to get an idea as to how your addition to the Boston University student community will help to enliven and add color to the diversity of the campus. While these logical discussions of diversity are important for your essay, you need to represent a personal experience with diversity that will help solidify your explanation. Give it a personal basis and definition which tells the reader that you are looking forward to the diversity of the university and are excited to add your personal touch to the mix. Without the personal experience, the essay just comes across as flat and boring. Informative, but in a technical manner, which is not what the prompt requires. Delve into your personal background and think back to a moment in time when you experienced diversity and then discuss the topic from that memory.

Undergraduate / Boarding school essay--Choate. Tell us how this trait or value came to be or has been developed [2]

While this is a highly developed essay, it lacks one main feature. There is no paragraph that refers the reader to the reasons as to why you finally came to realize that you needed to strive for excellence instead of perfection. What was the catalyst that led to this realization? Why did you feel that it was finally time to make the much needed change in your personality? Does the seed of perfectionism still rear its ugly head once in a while even today? Do you consider that part of your life, when you were striving for perfection to be a negative time? What factors do you think college will offer you that will continue to develop your sense of excellence over perfection? Was there a sense of emotional freedom on your part when you let go of the perfectionist mindset? The Chinese proverb is really misplaced in the middle of the essay the way it is now. Either place it at the beginning as a part of your introductory hook or just delete it. It becomes irrelevant in its current placement and just deviates from the winding down process of the essay.

Speeches / Success and happiness - do what you want to do and love what you love; Speach [2]

Jame, you have used the definition of success and happiness by two different people in this essay. However, you have not given your personal definition for the two words. The lack of personal definition on your part creates a detachment with the reader and makes this a textbook speech instead. The hook does not exist at the very beginning because you present the topic of your speech in an academic manner. Almost like a professor beginning a class. Lose that type of academic formality and opt for a personal encounter type of opening statement. For example, you could open with a story or anecdote about a successful person. That way you can give a definition for the two terms without actually giving a lecture. Instead, you will allow your listeners to discover the meaning of the words for themselves. There is a definite need to expand upon the final portion where you define the meaning of success and happiness for yourself. It is too short and does not allow for any type of audience connection on your part. Create the connection in order to make a more effective speech. Inspire people with the definition of the two words from 3 sources. Don't just give a lecture or textbook definition and then call it a speech.

Undergraduate / "I Made It" The feeling when crossing the finish line after a race sends me into complete bliss. NYU [2]

Your third paragraph is just a shorter redundancy of your second paragraph. Either delete it or reword it to include a secondary reason for wanting to transfer to NYU. The first and second paragraphs have actually given a complete analogy of the reasons as to why you seriously consider this academic transfer something that will be highly beneficial to you. I suggest that you just retain these two paragraphs and then work on developing your concluding paragraph. Strengthen the overall essay by clearly explaining how you feel that completing the transfer will offer you the chance to build a better foundation for your future and that in as much as you are thankful to your previous school, you are cognizant of the fact that smaller universities have limitations for people with big dreams and ambitions. You can swiftly discuss how your career in nursing will be better serviced by your studies at NYU when compared to the smaller university by mentioning some programs and internships that NYU offers their nursing students that smaller universities do not and thus, makes NYU the logical choice for someone pursuing a serious nursing career.

Graduate / Advance analytics - Master Business Analytics Personal Statement [2]

When you skim over your collegiate achievements, there is no need to mention that you play basketball and that your team won a competition. It is unnecessary as it is not required information for a statement of purpose. Delete that part in order to keep the focus of the essay on the required parts. When it comes to your professional credentials, you need to mention how long you have been working in this profession already and then indicate the length of time you have served in your current capacity in particular. That is necessary information that will help the admissions officer judge as to whether you have the professional service experience to merit the need for higher studies. Place that vision of yourself as a 40 year old at the end of the essay. Make it serve as your closing paragraph as placing it at the beginning does not really provide the immediate information required which is the purpose for your masters degree application.

Undergraduate / Building homes/ comprehensive learning; WHY NJIT? [2]

Pedro, it is really hard to judge your written work at this point because you did not provide the prompt for us to use as the basis for the review. Are you writing a personal statement or responding to a common app prompt? Whatever it is, you need to provide us with a copy so that we can better review your essay. Why NJIT just does not seem like a complete prompt. Right now, the direction of your essay is confusing because at the start, you discuss the internet superhighway then midstream, change to architecture. While I can understand that the world wide web has a technological architecture to speak of, I sincerely doubt that is what you are referring to in your essay since the two topics cannot blend. In fact, your essay lacks focus and direction because of the opposite ended topics that you are discussing. Try to base your desire to attend NJIT on only one solid reason. Either it is the architecture of the internet, or architecture in its traditional form. Don't forget to provide the actual prompt to us as soon as possible so that we can add to the review of your current essay.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular Elaboration And Such -- Science Bowl Oh My God It's Growing Tentacle [2]

Casey, it is hard to determine what the actual essay prompt is for this piece of work because you did not provide it. It would be best if you gave us the prompt so that we can accurately judge your response to the essay. At this point, I believe that you are trying to portray an extra curricular activity that you participate in. Not really knowing the parameters of the essay requirements, I will go out on a limb here and tell you that the response that you gave seems more academic in nature than extra curricular. The reason I say this is because you discuss an academic competition in the essay, which does not really translate into an extra curricular activity in the sense of the word. Perhaps my opinion will change when I find out what the actual prompt you are responding to is, but at this moment, I believe you need to revise your essay to make it sound more extra curricular rather than academic in nature.