Writing Feedback / Living up to the accustomed standard -Cbest writing practice essay [3]

- When I Typo in this part) was a boy,..
- We must have gotten turned around...
- In fact most school districts are computer drivenperational .
- Assignments are researched, writtenedwritten and edited all on a computer.
- Formal research are rarely done with hard copy references;, most sources...
- AThisWhat this means for a student to succeed,...
-...that were once considered luxuriesa luxury are now our necessities.
- Smart phone, wifi and electronics once considered toys or luxuriesluxury are...

I hope the few remarks I made help.
The only thing that I noticed is mostly typo and that is exactly where your EF comes in, we proof read and redefine as well as enhance your essay to the best we can.

I know that this may also sound weird but reading from time to time expands your vocabulary and keeps you updated with the latest happenings may it be on writing, events or just about anything.

Graduate / Responsibilities of educational institutions in regard to their students. Preparing to GRE [6]

- Educational institutions areis the ..
- place where the future generation are processedhoned to make..
-...a lively hoodlivelihood for themselves and ultimately serve the nation.
- Now(without this word, your sentence can stand alone) Educational institutions..
- ...they have to be governed by somea set of ideology
-I am a strong believer of the fact that an institutions should strongly..
- ....little chance of gettingbecoming successful.
- Since they are the building block of the society hence it is there responsibility is to..
- ..make sure that every student which is gettingthat are coming out of the...
- If a student is constantly failingfails in a stream...
- The fact is one should focus all his effort in to an area where there is a more possibility of success i.e in to his area of strength .

I just want to add that you don't need to overwhelm your sentences, what you tend to do is cite in all your ideas in one sentence. What you can do is break your ideas, know your priorities and know when your sentence can stand alone without having a lot of ideas rolled into one.

Scholarship / THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD essay - I need to pass my prepare class [2]

- Some of them are famous for their...
- cultural way and some of them with the way they are looking etc.
- In my opinion there is a city that is more cooler,cultural and spectacular than any others.

- Istanbul has been the capital for a lot of country.
- That's why,Istanbul has a mixed culture of religion and society.
- In 2015This year ,Istanbul is the most famous..
- ..and crowded city ofin Turkey.

- In istanbulIstanbul ( I know this is just typo but be careful, make sure that you proof read your essay) ,you can...
- ...is a good place to being social and have...
- fun but like 10 munitesminutes ( typo again and spell check all the time) walk away you...
- can see the Galata Tower., ( punctuations are crucial too, I mean they're minor but will be better if you put the right punctuations) ..
- ...you can see the whole Istanbul view in Galatafrom the Tower.

- ...a city it'swith both haveeuropaEurope and asiaAsia ( when referring to a country or a city make sure that you capitalize the first letter)onin the same geographical location,...

I must say that your essay is not that strong and it lacks a lot of linking verbs, the ideas are also not in one place, however, you can practice writing more and you should be fine next time.

Undergraduate / Working in a real industry gives me experience I need. Study plan for transfer application process. [4]

- Despite of my faint childhood memories,
- ..Indonesia has been still remainingremained as one of unforgettable event in my heart.

- For the reason of my curiosity, I left my parent's sight and wanderedMy curiosity led me to wander around...
- ...the whole of the hotel and as a result, I got lost.
- However, just at that moment, a man dressed in a smart uniform who came up to me and asked...
- ..me something in a language I could not understand.
- After he looked afterHe looked at me me for a few minutes,
- ...my parents and I were reunited bywith the man's help.
- ...I have had aspirations to be an hotelier.

Being a hotelier myself, I know very well that it's not an easy job, I believe nothing is easy, in everything we do, we have to give our best.

Undergraduate / My Life Along The Railroad [3]

- ...became an integral part of my life oncewhen I received...
- As for myself me,...

- ..and keep my love for trains all the more alive.
- For example,W hen I look back...
- ...the cry of the horn resonate within my eardrums.
- ..I made one summer trackside;, it is also a memory of the distant past.

A few very minor corrections from my side, I hope it helps.
I agree that your essay is written well, it's good essay and really elaborated your love for this transportation machines.

Essays / United States Naval Academy Personal Statement - how to start? [5]

1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

Christina, it's actually quiet good that you have a guideline in writing this essay, it makes it easier to write and to highlight the importance of your statement and to let the academy know that you will render unwavering service to the Naval Academy.

I have written an additional guideline for you.

- Know the mission of the academy
- their vision
- rules and regulations
- mention your academic achievements
- what led you to the academy
- what are your aspirations
- how will you support yourself in attaining your goals
- how does the naval service affect you as a human being, your behavior , your morals and your life as a whole
- lastly write about what you can do to contribute to the community as a naval serviceman,

I hope that with this guideline you will be able to come up with your statement, when you do, post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree that advertising serves no purpose for the society and should be banned? [4]

Advertising is a means of marketing strategy. That's my point of view.

Undergraduate / Does the course at school prepare you for work in the future? [4]

The first step in achieving your dreams is dreaming of them, when you do, you start to practice them then preach them, this is my way of sharing to you what I did in life and how I master the English language, this is the same way you should do to attain that goal of becoming an English teacher.

Let me help you out on this sentences.

- Teaching English is my dream work in the future .
- Becoming an English teacher ,is one of an interesting job,
- isit's not an easy thing to do.
- In Reading 2, I haveallows me to change..
- Absolutely, itConsequently I know this will also happens when I become..
- As an English teacher, I will work with many different types of students,
- ...so I have to adjust the way I teach to suit each class - or even each student.
- In a wordNeedless to say , Reading 2 at school does prepare me for work in the future.

Well, the best of luck to you!!!
The remarks I made above are very minor and I believe you executed the English language very well.

Undergraduate / Challenges of a turban / Tomato Head - background, talent essay [4]

- ...discrimination because of my different looks .
- Being different forces me to confront who I really am...

- So wasis the person who introduced fiber optics in this country.
- And recentlyRecently , a Sikh man...
- ...both publicallypublicly ( turn on your spell checker to avoid spelling mishaps) and privately,
- ..and maybe even have enough of an impact to prevent..

Being an advocate of your religion is a big deal, they say we practice what we preach and I always consider this, this is the same thing that you do, I guess the golden rule is indeed golden. Do unto others what you want others do unto you. However, challenging, but hey, we live to change our life one day at a time, no force applied, no one get hurt just change for the better and for the greater good of the society.

Undergraduate / Harvard Supplement: Role of Medicine in my Life [4]

- Honestly, I retained a little.
- ButmyMy ( this sentence should start good and "but" is not the right word to begin with) fascination with medicine began earlier.
- But I'm too busy to listen as I am upstairs scanning my aunt's bookshelves to listen .
- Vintage medical instruments and books studdedadorns her office's walls.
- ...didn't end there:, in the years following years ,

- AdmittedlyConsequently , my coat dragging along my coat the maze...
- It's athe path I've imagined..

Well written essay, I can feel that you're inspired and ever willing to learn and share the knowledge you will gain.
Best of luck and I hope the corrections I made help you out.

Graduate / SOP for MS in MIS with IT Background - 1.7 years of work experience in Infosys Limited [4]

- So after a successful career in the IT Industry I..
- Very soonNot long enough, I got a job as Systems Engineer...

- A company uses it in all of its business operations and processes.
- The basic intentintention is to manage..
- Using anWith the use MIS,..
- There are numerous plusesadvantages in using an MIS.

What I notice as i read thru your essay is that you try to elaborate ideas to the extent of going thru one idea over and over, this helps but when you are stating the obvious, there's a tendency that your readers might loose interest in the essay.

Overall, your essay is good and I hope you make it to your masters.

Graduate / Not everyone is aware of the importance of anesthesiology. AA-PA personal statement narrative [5]

- ButHowever("But" connotes a very negative approach ) what helps is knowing
- ...that there is an anesthetistanesthesiologist with you along the way.
- The anesthetistanesthesiologist informs the patient of..
- ..the surgery and attemptsadminister anesthesia to calm their nerves before surgery.

Note: Change "anesthetist" to "anesthesiologist" all through out your essay as this is the right word to use in this case.

- ..I decided to major intake biology as my major because

- ...becoming an anesthesiologist assistant is whatwhere my passion islies .
- SinceAs my original interest was in the field of medicine,

Taking medicine as a path to conquer is challenging and interesting at the same time, it needs a lot of focus, undying love to help others and the passion to perform the task properly. An anesthesiologist is doing the same exact thing so I say good luck and prepare your gears for this chosen career.

Writing Feedback / Why a company which build a large factory near my community gets my support? TOEFL essay [2]

- ...esspeciallyspecially ( be careful with your spelling, turn on spell checker) in hometowns.
- This certainly has adverse influence and positive influenceoutburst on the local area.

- On the oneother hand,
- On the other handOn a lighter note , a large factory will bring a myriad of advantages..
- Firstly , building a large factory will tackle some societal problems.
- It is the large factory that provides countless employment opportunities will be offered ,
-...hence the local people can easily occupy well-paid jobs in the factory.
- As a result, unemployment ratio and crime rate will be reduced .
- In my view, the authorityThe authorities should combinatework hand in hand with the company...
- ...and giudeguide the company to implement inviromentalenvironmental agreement.
- Only by doing this can inviromental problems be solved.In doing so, the line will be drawn in order to keep the environment in utmost level of importance.

Well written essay, however I suggest you practice more, read and review your spelling from time to time, learning is a never ending process and with TOEFL it's quiet tricky so do an extra effort to review and research.

Undergraduate / Bike or not? 'I just learned to ride' common app essay - may it bring a wrong impression of me? [4]

@Mvp, I have a few remarks below;

3rd paragraph
- Janete brought her bike and insisted for me to try it .
- There I was, with 14 years old trying once again.
- ...follow her instructions and trust memyself .
- If I could trust in me toand take care of myself,

Last paragraph
- ...many things I loose during my childhood because of my silly fear:. (mind your punctuation marks)
- The outdoor activityactivities was really nice.

Writing this essay was one of your fears to, but hey, one stroke of your pen, ideas rush in, words fall into place and here you are, one essay full of memories and a few enhancements from my side and you have an interesting piece of article!!!

Undergraduate / Sociology and human aspects - University of Oregon essay [2]

- The human personbeing is a complex and individualistic beingprofile .
- ...and his bond betweenamongst fellow individuals...
- The nature of a human being is often perplexing as is the community in which he exists.

- The societalsocial norms and standards set the boundaries..
- Insights into the field of...

- Nothing is as it seemsNonetheless , sociology requires...
- Once we better understand ourselves,
- WithArmed with my enriched education...
- ...I hope to one day contribute to the good of our society.

There you go, I believe your essay is written well, I hope you make it to the scholarship.

Undergraduate / I want to change the world! SOP Transfer Essay [2]

- ...I hope to promote the attainment of the skills necessary to...
- ...education and history was ignited during my sophomore year of high school.
- and analytical skills to make well informed decisionsdiscussion .
- Upon completion of my Bachelor's degree I wish to return to my home ofto Corpus Christi and..
- ...instrumental in helping me develop my professional goals...
- ...and affirm to mean affirmation that working in a classroom
- ...I intendwillto utilize the education acquired at the University..
-...to transform students'"students" can stand alone without the punctuation mark) lives for
- the bettermentthe greater good of the society and make the world a better place.

@cct, I believe you have a strong essay. I made a few corrections and I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / UofWa Transfer Statement on how life and study in college has shaped me. [2]

Meenu, I will tackle the first 3 paragraphs on your application essay;

- My college career has only consisted of attendingI attended college in Bellevue College...
- following the completion of high school.
- At Bellevue College I entered to complete a transferI took an associate degree for business.
- In high school, I had only applied to one school for enrollment., (you can merge this phrases with a comma to form a sentence)a fter not being accepted into that school,...

- I decided to attended Bellevue College and prepare myself...
- I decided not to pursue nursing school because theNursing job holds exceptionally high liability exposure and I know I'm not geared for that .
- I decided to go into theThe business field because it is so diverse
- and because I had some previous experience from attending totending my family's businesses.

-The partners who had filed the lawsuit no longer worked at the business which the suit was about andbeing sued are no longer working with us ,

- so my family had to take over the business

- OnceWhen the lawsuit was resolved in February of 2015...
- ...I managed to do my bestwell while being a full time employee.
- I was not able to attend to three of the thirteen classes.
- Missing three classes was significantly a lot because...
- ...allowed for me to get a sense of how...

Well, Meenu, you said it was a rough draft and yes it is a very rough draft, however you were able to answer what was asked and elaborate your answers too.

I hope my remarks help.

Undergraduate / Self- Reflection Personal Statement For UC admissions [4]

@Henr, let me try to help you out as well;

- It is common for people to consider thisrefer to their childhood years to be the best year of the life;
-...a majority of the momentsmine were overshadowed..
- I have dealt with the issue of social anxiety for almost a huge portionpart of my life.
- In an attempt integrate memyself into social circles with my peers ,
- AtIn the beginning,
- Videos games, at that time,( stating time frame is not necessary in this sentence as it is obvious) were
- I was disillusioned by the reality that video games brought into my world and was sucked into it.lost control of my life and my connections to reality.

- However, onceWhen my grades started to decline steeply,
- my parents had stripped me ofoff
- VideoThe (try not to use the same words all over again) games were the only motivations for me to do well inI have . - But once my video games were taken away from me, I lost all motivation all of a sudden and struggled in school, dealing with the emotional baggage for several months after the incident.This sentence is like a summary of the last 5 sentences you have, I deem them necessary for the essay)

- After realizing from my mistakes,
- ...people strived for in another country .
- ...my parents wanted me to be and was angry...

As much as you can be conscious with your word count, you have to learn writing freely and incorporate your ideas before starting to write, this is what you do when you draft, proof reading and with our help here on EF you will get the best out of your essay. The remarks I made above should help a little bit.

Graduate / Choosing Economics as a course of study was a simple choice. Suggestions, additions and subtractions [6]

@Zayn, it doesn't sound repetitive but it sounds off. It seems like easy - breezy sentence to describe or define Economics.
I suggest the following;

ChoosingRedefining Economics asis a course of focus in this study.was a simple choice

There you go, I must say though, your title didn't strike me as something to correct at first but with you question, it made me realize it was not strong enough and does not compliment your essay, you should be good to go now.

Speeches / An ice-breaker speech for my speech class [4]

- My life began in a small town far from here.("here", meaning from the school or from the country, try to be specific)

- Ever since I wasAs a little girl,
- Someone with a missionvision, a person with a mission .
- AndN ow here I am,
- standing in frontbefore all of you todayas
- a full pledge college student with a mission in life
- It's amazing how time flies.
- I like small crowds and I enjoy hanging...
- My parents raised me not to maketo be contented with life and not to be complicated.

There you have it, I hope it helps.

Research Papers / Curing Yourself the Natural Way [3]

Tlwash, upon proof reading your essay, I have a few questions;

- when you say plant diet, what do you exactly mean?
- if it's vegetables that you mean by plant diet, please define the the two
- your choice of words is quiet confusing.

I will tackle the last part of your essay.

- As stated earlyearlier , eat to live not live to eat.
- People enjoy food so much that they feel if they only have plants to eat, it won't...
- ...trying new and different foods .
- ...various illnesses or ailments went togo for a plant based diet.
- Those that are on a plant based diet that previously had...
- cardiovascular disease or diabetes or even higher risk forof cancer

As much as I believe in modern medicine, there's no denying that herbal medication with natural diet goes a long way when practiced properly.

However, it is not advisable to just take any herbal medication without experts advise. When it comes to natural diet, I believe one need to play with how their body is taking it and take it from there.

Moving on to your writing, for future reference, refrain from using the same words or phrase all through out the essay and avoid direct translation.

Grammar, Usage / 'to learn' vs 'gain an understanding' - Is there a difference of meaning? [3]

Hi, though paraphrasing can be challenging, I believe you did a good job.
A few points to note though;

- when paraphrasing, make sure that the idea is still there
- keep your focus on the topic
- know the idea or the point you want to drive
- review the rules of the english language
- mind the words you use to stress your point

This guidelines should be able to make the next essay or paraphrasing dilemma a little bit easy for you.
Should you need any more help, let us know and EF is here for you.

Graduate / Choosing Economics as a course of study was a simple choice. Suggestions, additions and subtractions [6]

@Zayn, let me help you out with your essay;

- ...further my studies in this field is as a result of my passion and believebelief in the importance...

- I grew up on the poor side of the circle but was opportunefortunate

- ...I excelled under his tutoringmentorship .

-...in English and Economics;, ( a comma would be good to break this sentences) interestingly...

So there you have it, not much remarks as your essay is quiet strong already. What I like about it is that, it's very detailed, well written if I may say, you were able to elaborate your experiences and how you work your way up in achieving your goals. I know that it's still a long way to go for you but keep your hopes high and never get tired of sharing your life to others.

Undergraduate / 'severe case of asthma' - UC personal statment about my world in which I grew up [4]

- SoW hile the neighborhood kids ran...
- ...what wasis outside.
- As the years went onby ,..
- more physical activatesactivities ( be carfeull with misspelled words as they can have a totally different meaning to the sentence) , but...
- The early stages of making a puzzles,..
- Carefully sorting out over a 1000 pieces, ( punctuation marks are also essential part of your sentence) the size of a dime, by color is no easy task.

- But( it's not advisable to start your sentence with a negative "but")O nce the pieces..
- start falling into place,

I believe coding is more difficult than forming a puzzle, the only similarity that I can think of doing this two things is that they give a great deal of satisfaction as soon as it's done, when the puzzle is formed and when your coded program starts running.

Overall, very minor remarks on your essay, however I suggest that you add a few more sentences which signifies a complete cause and effect in battling asthma attacks. Good luck!!!

Essays / 'The Odyssey' - Beginning my term paper; How do I begin? [4]

@Lionel, this term paper may seem challenging but if you do an extensive research, you should be fine.
I also have a few points for your paper;

- Define greek mythology ot the beginning of "the Odyssey"
- how does this affect our daily existence
- how does the our belief in god's existence influence us
- define the logical order of actions and consequences following the rules govern by Odyssey
- Finally, what are your personal thoughts in believing and following ancient greek myths.

When it comes to your writing, make sure you do the following;
- be objective
- focus on your subjects
- research and provide the facts and facts alone
- cite examples if you can, personal experiences will also add interest to your paper

Draft it and post it here on EF so we can help out

Undergraduate / Different view from a teacher or employer during a performance evaluation process [3]

- ....sketchbooks were due onceevery a week.
- This meant anything of your choosingyou choose .
- ...of a nude womenwoman crying from torso up.
- ...but I was not understandinggrasp this.
- ...I thought of course so I wouldn't fail the assignmentwon't fail ,
- but then I realized by covering the...
- ...buthowever in the end I will always..

Well, there's nothing wrong with being true to yourself and it's the best thing you can give yourself, however, as an artist you need to respect and follow the theme as instructed, this goes along with the respect you give to your mentor. Nudity, for somebody like you is art, for others it may mean something else, different people, different views and absolutely different appreciation towards different arts. On the other hand, the essay you have speaks for itself and it's well written.

Scholarship / Explain the positive and negative effects of internet on medical and dental research [5]

- It can not be denied The role of internet and social network in the developing of scientific research cannot be denied .
- Firstly, the spread of internet reduces works offor scientists.
- Scholars may find it helpful in getting ideas for their research.
- For instancem(be careful of your typo, proof reading helps) those who get
- ...workload allows scientists to recover and innovate.
- Conversely,Relatively the effects of internet sometimes hurt scientists.
- One of problems is that the laboratory facesis faced with the risks...
- too many resources are available online causes confusedconfusion .
- ..however, it's also the source of some serious problems.
- On theThe whole the benefits of internet outweigh the detriment.
- Learning the way to use the internet osis definitely the
- best way to stay away from badunwanted situations.

@Terri, I definitely agree that the internet and technology as a whole has turned our world into a whole new level of machine powered world. We do simple things easy and comfortably with the help of technology. The advantages they bring might also come with a lot of negativities and this is, as much as I hate to write it, also due to negligence that we sometimes unwillingly do or accidentally did. Overall, your essay is an eye opener and you did a good job.

Scholarship / About whether someone sent to prison before should talk to students about the danger of crimes [5]

- Many people believe that good residents who wasare sent to prison
- before are the most suitable people to communicatecommunicating with students
- about bad outcomes of crimes.
- Personally I tend tokind of agree to that.

- ...and people who commited crimes is proper,
- In an other words ,
- ...to deter criminal tryintentions from students,
- which will eventually reduce the rate of youth crime to some extendextent .

@Wuyi, there you have it, I worked on the part of the essay that needs more attention.
It's a good essay and you were able to make your point however I don't think that people who were convicted of such crime should speak to children or anyone about what they did, I don;t see this as an act to help reduce crime rate.

Undergraduate / Health fair in the San Ysidro community - the story of becoming an adult person [3]

- I found myself on July 19, 2015;I think I have an obsession with punctuation marks and on this part of the sentence you just need a comma)

- I saw the gleamingglow in each of these peoples eyes;,
- ...their gratitude and appreciativeness forto us being there
- Their emotions ledmade me to the point where I realized that this
- ...do in the near future;, this is where I became matureanadult .
- ...not have access to the same opportunities I have had.

@jac, indeed the transition of stages in our lives into adulthood is quiet challenging and it helps when we expose ourselves to experiences that will teach us lessons, lessons that we will cherish and learn from all our lives.

Going thru your essay, I believe you did very well, it's just a few remarks that I made and I hope it helps.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

@Anjana, I'm not a geek nor an expert in technology but I know that "datamining" is a popular part time job that most tech people do this days.

As far as my research goes, data mining has something to do with the following;

- collecting data such as company name, phone number, email and anything that will link the company to a vendor or a potential client
- scanning thru a volume of telemarketing data
- input information on a spreadsheet and use it for business purposes

Needless to say, there's a lot to write about data mining, at some point you have to cite examples of how data mining jobs helped a lot of home stay moms or students get a few bucks out of doing part time data mining. Data mining is also one of the best marketing strategies that help businesses market their products. There are a lot of real world advantages that data mining has brought about and it's absolutely working. I know a friend who is data mining and submits it to his online employer and she earns couple of hundred form doing this in her spare time.

Technology has really turn our world 360 degrees and as much advantages as it creates it's also accompanied with negative hoes.
The moment you get your draft, post it here on EF and we will help you further.

Essays / Landscapes; geographical concepts of Place and Scale. Need some Guideline on how to write this essay [7]

@CK, first of all, the topic you chose is really good, there are a lot of things about geography, landscape and concepts that you can write about.

I have a few tips for you to ponder on as you go along with your writing;

- define the subject
- do your research
- draw the line of your ideas
- stick to your ideas
- choose one particular space that you want to work on
- the feasibility of your essay will only be defined by how you will write it
- be objective
- cite examples
- your step by step process and the mechanism that will drive you to reach your goal
- your back up plan if the original blue print doesn't work
- most of all your facts and figures

There you have it, you should be able to draft your essay and post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Blank is the new blank. What's in, what's out, and why is it being replaced? UChicago essay help [5]

- Mentally supporting this stigmaPublic support of this mentality could help all sorts of people,
- even those who are not directly affected.
- Just to start with, accepting darkblack as the new light
- ...or unable to apply what they do know to practical use.

- These expenses get transferred to the common citizen through taxes.
- Many of thesethis (it's ok not to express the words that much because your point is obvious )( very
- ...but it wouldwill also help focus theirthem focus on listening and awareness.

@pat, I know that you mean well in writing this essay, if you ask my thoughts on this, I say it's far fetched. It can be done however it will take a whole lot of effort, energy and countless hours of debates, justification and God willing you pull it through, there will be a lot of years of getting used to. Change may be the only constant thing in this world but no kidding, it's not an easy job to do.

Undergraduate / Apply Texas Essay C, How my Achievements have prepared me for mechanical engineering [3]

- Falling asleep or texting in class wasn't an option;, my teacher
- Energy consumption was something that botheredinterests me,
- ...why things do what they do; and how to make them do what I want them tofunction as they are suppose to .
- WithA degree in mechanical engineering,

@Aubrey, I can see that you're application is written well, however I'm not sure that if it's strong enough to grant you a scholarship.

I suggest you write a few more sentences with the following;
- cite more of your strength
- keep a focus on your goals
- what are the things or programs you would like to contribute to the institution

Draft it and post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / GOAL IS TO ENHANCE THE LIVES OF STUDENTS. MUSIC EDUCATION. APPLY TEXAS PROMPT C. [3]

- It was a gift that was bestowed untoupon me
- that I have been obligedgrateful for and ever willing to share with others.
- Because of thisArmed with my love for music my lifetime goal is to influence
- the lives of young adults as a music educatorambassador .
- ...their non- scholastic endeavors.
- WhileM y participation in my high...

@Kathleen, I believe your first paragraph or your introduction is quite strong, I hope it follows thru the whole essay, just make sure that you stick to the idea of the subject and always be objective. With regards to your concern on bragging about your talent, it's not really bragging, it's writing about yourself to become inspiration to others. We will be looking forward for the next part of this prompt.

Undergraduate / My goals will change more than I will be able to keep up with. [3]

- No, life isn't perfect;, it is a crazy and heck-it messy life.
- Sean is my husband's name;, ( I'm not sure if this is typo but be careful with your punctuation marks) he works
- Currently, I am not working but I'm looking to get a part time job soon.
- Most of my days for me consist of money managing,
- ..for the future areis to take one day at a time.
- After,As soon as I receive my associates degree my plan is

- For the five years that I have been married every day is progress.
- My goals will change more than I will be able to keep up with.

Congratulations on a happy life, I wish everybody will look at life the way you and I do, life's precious moments are not done overnight, baby steps is the key and taking one day at a time will result to a much healthy lifestyle.

Undergraduate / Apply Texas Essay B-- How my feelings were changed by Personal Interactions [3]

Aubrey, let me help you out with your essay;

- Ever since I wasAs a little kid,
- I was ambivalent:, ( punctuation marks are minor remarks however it's better to correct them) I still
- some light forto them and...
- ...I learned that none of them wanted to live dependantdepending on someone else's money.

I hope the corrections above help. Reading thru your essay, I feel like people who are homeless should stretch what they have and if they approach people, I believe they will be able to find a job, there's no better satisfaction than earning your own money and not wait for the government supplies. I know some people who would work 12 hours a day, maintain 3 jobs and yet they still find ways to get better. It will also help if they form a habit of not expecting help from others. I read a few papers where junk are turned into cash, this may not be much but it will help alleviate the current situation. My hopes is the same as yours, for the world to be equal for everyone.

Undergraduate / All of my goals derive from my passion for problem solving and helping others. College Application [4]

- Because of this,( starting your sentence with "because" is not the best way to start it I aspire to
- By takingI take advanced courses,
- ...while also maintainingmanaging time for other important things

- UIL Academic competitions were fantastic forin helping me...

- I plan on majoringtaking a major in psychology
- because doing so will expand my knowledge ofon human
- It is important tofor me that I learn as much as I can,...
- AllWith everything considered, I am confident that

One thing that I notice in your application is your use of the linking verbs, to, into, for, at, and a few others, this is very minor remarks however it will help if you practice more. Overall, I believe you have the best shot for this college application, best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Asian Family / Self-Esteem - 'Bump in the road' UCF ESSAY HELP [5]

- My life soSo far, my life has had many "bumps"..
- ...I'm sure other cultures it is the same.
- ...it's not like Iit hasn't happened before.
- ButwW hen I got home...
- But(it's not good to start a sentence with a negative "but" when you can start it with something positive that connotes the same idea) They...

- ...I know they wake up really early to go to work,
- I feel they should have put more trust in to mefelt like they should trust me more that they do .
- Even if I have the courage to lash out I have thata little voice
- ...always telling me that's its rude
- ...because atmost of the time I can become
- ButHowever towards my friends...
- ...My family would always be putshut me down like my relatives
- I often clamcalm ( be careful of your words, proof reading helps) myself down by insulting..
- I rarely will get in to any verbal fight because...
- I feel if there's nothing nice to say in front of someone you shouldn't say it at all.

Well, reading your essay just makes me feel sad, simply because no one should experience the feelings you have right now, learn to be yourself and when you are yourself, everything follows. I hope the remarks I made helps.

Undergraduate / "Traveling outgrows its motives..." Dreams of wondering / Semester at Sea [4]

- Since I wasAs a child, I had been introduced
- to an immersion of cultures through dancing,
- atin the beginnigbeginning (be careful with your spelling) the
- streets were full of music,...
- Acapulco is now an empty streets,
- the international media is always talking about
- the violentviolence and dangerous it is ,
- advising people not to visit this place...

Spelling:
* neverthless - nevertheless
* oppotunity - opportunity
* dont - don't ( punctuation marks may be minor but it's better to have them when deem fit)

- At beingBeing passionate about...
- And Semester at Sea is this anthe only once opportunity at being surrounded by people with an alike purpose...

The best of luck Ruby and I hope the remarks I made help out.

Undergraduate / "A cat. Several spitballs. A game." Seeking help for Carleton supplyment essay; Why Carleton [4]

@glk, as your struggling in your essay, I'm just very confused.
Your essay seem to combine a lot of different elements of writing such as poetry, personal statement and direct translation.
I say you start drafting ideas, proof read them and give it a little finish, that's when you publish it here on EF.
Here's a few points;

- what is your subject
- how does your subject affect the entirety of the essay
- what is special about your subject
- the body of the essay should also remain true to it's purpose
- site a few examples, comparisons, contrast and similarities
- to conclude, what is the lesson that a reader will pick up from the essay.

Answering the questions and points above should help you revise your essay, post it back here so we can help you further.