Undergraduate / Global energy crisis affecting my generation- UT Austin Prompt B [3]

No, it was thrust upon us by a previous epoch, as industrialization took stride, efficiency and innovation becoming top priorities of corporate America.

The seemingly insatiable urge to build bigger, faster, cheaper, better; leaving an
impact on forthcoming generations, who seem to come in close to last ...

As this facet of human nature seems to be incessant,
we are, therefore, ...

If we look at our parent's generation for example, we see their
defining moments , their pinnacle ...

...and decide what to do about our current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. As they fade into the
background,...

People do not realize that the nearly seven billion people on earth
could survive on much less then we do.

It is a self proclaimed status as
Americans and as members of socially and economically elite countries that
consumes the worlds resources and slowly suffocates the earth.This sentence is unclear and should be revised. I know what you're saying, but am thrown off by the "self proclaimed...

Essays / "With Such Dexterity to Incestuous Sheets" [2]

Gertrude, Prince Hamlet's mother, has a history as a character without boundaries or necessary maternal compassion.

Most look at her illogical, treacherous actions and voice their opinions concerning her loyalty and ignorance.

Although, this shallow analysis concludes from a mind with naïve notionsabout Gertrude's reasoning.

With an intricate look into her efforts, the lies she spreads and the faithfulness she tosses around portraya deeper haste to a consideration for all of the men in her life.

Hamlet's commission to murder ... His commission to murder who, his mother? You should write as if to an audience who has not read it.

Undergraduate / Temple essay - about me in 10 years from now; career in pharmacy [5]

As I reflect upon my personal and professional life, I can proudly tell you that my resume is filled with many of my accomplishments over the past ten years.

...the evolution of relationships with family and friends,...

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, but through determination I have reached my goal.

I had seen the adverse effects of bad decisions, and I take a certain

As I mentioned before, I was recently promoted to Store Manager.

Again, I believe a career in pharmacy ; should this be pharmacology?

Undergraduate / Hamilton College Book review(pls help me to revise it thanx) [2]

The feather floats up and down, just like our lives ; but along with the wind and rain, it has to fall at some point, just like many things are out of Gump's control: his congenital disabilities (intellectual and physical), mockery and ridicule from others at his single-parent family, his first sexual experience with Ms. French, whom he does not love instead of his beloved Jenny, a dropout because of his grade "F" on Sports Theory, the death of his comrade in arms etc. Gump has been dealt some of the worst possible hands in life. This (previous sentence) is way too long and should be cut into two or three, for the sake of clarity.

Such a simple and persevering attitude towards life is the ...

Time is always ticking away ruthlessly; it urges us not to waste too much of it pondering.This is great!

Although there have been, and will be many setbacks along this...

Graduate / Professional Statement for CS, Information retrieval [3]

Great essay! I did find a few things to correct though;

...several hundreds of agricultural web sites, thus producing a more effective way to gather information.

Through research on the meta-search engine, I realized that the accuracy of any evaluation methods and relevance algorithms pales in comparison...

I want to devote my time to studying the interactive processes between user and system: how to use ...

As my research progresses, I feel the pain of not finding an immediate re solution to the problem, and also the happiness of inspiration bursts.

However, the pain leads to personal growth and resolve, while the happiness, which is like the lively cabin, smoke dancing from its kitchen chimney, I want to build if I get stuck on a deserted island, led me to make a decision to dedicate my life to research.

I am familiar with ABC University and the PhD program through my research on the...

Undergraduate / 'It seems pretty simple' - Vires, artes, mores - Florida State Admissions [3]

especially when the baseball coaches and players didn't really support me in my love of singing.

...at the state level in chorus, and pitching in the conference semi final for the baseball team.

..."The Danger in Starting a Fire". There's a lyric in this song "I will never ...

Artes is my favorite word out of the three, as I love music.

...who both got their degrees at Florida State University.They are my two biggest and most influential role models.

Whether it makes them smile, or cry, or leave them speechless.Incomplete sentence.

... when I looked towards the front of the bus there was a woman with a baby in her arms looking exhausted from the treacherous day she had had in the ...

Undergraduate / How has a piece of art changed your life/evaluate a significant risk [2]

Years went by before I encountered my first taste of art education in elementary school, where the assignments...

The scene reverberated with the dramatic tension of an artist at his breaking point, a slew of emotions simmering beneath its thick shell of oil paint.WOW, great sentence!!

Upon accepting this, I stopped painting pictures and started creating art.Nice.

--------------

Despite my discomfort, pants are so rigidly stitched...
Again, I have to stop to say, nice writing!"..pants are so rigidly stitched..." so funny!

Scholarship / "My desire for flight" scholarship essay help wanted [3]

Your essay is looking good, it's interestng all the way through. Here are a few fixes;

As an aspiring pilot, I too treasure the memory of my first time in the sky.

Looking back, I see that this experience birthed my passion for aviation.

During the discovery flight, I told the pilot that someday...

Yet,Thou gh deliriously happy,...

... the day I decided no matter what obstacles presented themselves, I would one day become a pilot.

Graduate / Statements describing research interest and why this CS PhD program (Feedback) [2]

This sentence is so long it gets very confusing;

Among the seven grand challenges identified by British Computer Society, two challenges are pertaining to the development of ubiquitous computing environment, a state-of-the-art model of computing where computational power is embedded in our environment through a diverse range of technology: massively distributed computing system with mobility support, active spaces and ambient intelligence.

You should break it into at least two sentences.

A reliable cloud consisting of massive data-centers...

Software is served as a service where as hardware allocation is made on demand.

This sentence is confusing;
Storage should scale dynamically as well as customer reputations require to be adjusted on individual basis.

I am interested in exploring these challenges during my doctoral endeavor.

...virtualization along multifarious dimensions, consisting of underlying network technologies as well as a layer and unit of abstraction.

In addition, I was fortunate enough to complete my graduate thesis ...

Undergraduate / Univesity of Washington personal statement - critque requested. [3]

After hours of research, I had settled on that company.

With each investment, whether a success or failure,...

This should start a new paragraph;
I play the bagpipes ...

I soon found out that Seattle was the nearest city to Olympia with professional bagpipe teachers.You should say how far that was from where you were.

I volunteer as an instructor, with the local Olympia bagpipe band.

This seems like an abrupt change of topic. Maybe a lead in sentence is called for;
When I first joined Cub Scouts ,...

I was committed to pursuing the rank of Eagle Scout.

I was committed to making it to the top.

Maybe you should say a little more about your career goals!

Undergraduate / How my experiences working in a rehabilitation center had a great impact on me. [3]

Your essay is good and interesting! I liked the part where no one was ready, I could relate to that from experience. Here are a few fixes;

My paces to the door were getting quicker with each step. towards the door.

The hallway was empty and my shoes were making loud clicking noises, too loud for the early morning.Nice sentence!
As soon as I walked into the room, that one morning,all eyes were glued on me and I was given a heartfelt welcome by several adults wearing similar uniforms, sitting on comfortable royal blue office chairs. doing paperwork.

Many of my friends spent their winter break off from school, enjoying extra hours of sleep, shopping, or getting away from town.

...occupational therapists, who were much older than me.

Their level of seriousness and commitment that I observed, influenced me to embark...
This part of the therapy uplifted me, as I noticed the compassion and dedication that the therapists revealed in their work.

The enjoyment I felt while seeing these people get stronger and my admiration for the therapists' care, made me realize that physical therapy is the career I will pursue.

Undergraduate / Life is meaningful and unimaginable; Why Carnegie Mellon Business? [3]

I think that f your major s business, you should write a little more about that. Also, why Carnegie? Here are a few small things;

I found myself capable of communicating with others through leadership and guidance, as well as ethics.

I have come to understand perseverance and determination.

From grueling 2-hour dry land practices,...

There have been times when I removed my goggles and realized that my opponent has ...

As my crew and I prepare the necessary equipment in the ambulance, we always anticipate for the worst...

Writing Feedback / the Beatles - Favorite Band [3]

John Lennon performed at a church Premier July 6, 1957 in Liverpool suburb of Woolton.

John convinced Harrison to join the group.You need to write your essay as if the reader has never heard of the Beatles. Who the heck is 'Harrison'?

The group changed their name to Johnny and the Moon dogs in 1958.

Your essay seems choppy and kind of like you're just jotting down a list of facts about the Beatles. If you're writing about them being your favorite band, how about mentioning things like which song first caught your attention and what you like about them. Make it personal. Good luck with it!

Graduate / Statement of purpose for graduate study in petroleum engineering [4]

Your essay is great! This is all I could find;

I noticed that there were limitless opportunities abounding in the oil industry, not...

My fascination for exploring and locating untapped...

My country, Nigeria, is one of the nations with the largest oil reserves in the world.

Undergraduate / Perfect School Balance - Northwestern Statement [5]

Although the school seems to go easy on...

Your revision of this essay is awesome, great job!

Undergraduate / Experience, achievement - essay about losing weight- feedback [5]

WOW, you are a great writer! And what an inspiration! I just found a few small things;

AlthIough,It dawned on me one day,

After a lot of being ridiculed for my weight, ...

That was when I had realized that I needed to lose weight.

Everyone else was right, but I was not doing this for their reasons or that I felt I'd be a better person if I lost weight.

At first, pushing myself to exercise and diet ...

Undergraduate / About natural disasters and their influences on me. [9]

All of the water then poured down into the Red River.

difficult time; everyone caught a cold.

Yes, I shed tears of sympathy for the losses caused by the earthquake, ...

UpTo this day, I still feel a pang of guilt in my chest for not being able to volunteer during the time of crisis.

This is great, one of the best essays I've read. Good job, and good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "living together is an art" - Colorado University admission essay cumpulsory [7]

I don't understand how the "good guy, bad guy" relates to IIT;

The good guy is the creation of positive school of thought and vice versa for the bad guy. This was just an example of how IIT since its creation is producing positive contributors to the world as,...

Personally My goal isdirected to make this world a better place to live, by introducing environmentally friendly technology.

The way I see it is that technology is a never ending.

With the institute's competitive atmosphere, hardworking students, and strong programs in Electrical, Mechanical, Civil, Biomedical and Aerospace engineering, it will allow me...

Undergraduate / 'African-American men swayed' - UW Cultural Difference Essay [6]

I really like this! I found a few small things though;

...between the seams of a seemingly detached society was provided a sense of tranquility.

Through the eyes of these men was reserved the message of hope and compassion for humanity.

Poetry / What do you think, Life Poem - Trying a new style [4]

I really like this! You might add a little drama by adding a question mark after the word "when". At the end, it seems like the person whose life it was, became senile, asking, "Is WHAT worth it?" Nice job!

:)

Undergraduate / Common app essay - my family moved to Bangladesh, factors, challenges [2]

I still remember vividly when the time my family moved to Bangladesh.

I started to help my mother with her household routine even though I was never asked to do so.

I realized how my younger brother and sister always looked up to me, and how I was the first person they would seek help from.

My desire to help them achieve more than I have.

I never wanted to hurt my family in any way, nor did I want any harm causing to them.

I feel good as I think about the amazing friends and family God has gifted me.

Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Start with an interesting first sentence, something funny or surprising. What are you passionate about? What makes you unique?
If I were writing it, I might start like this;
I worked on fifty essays today, and none of them were my own!

Don't forget to make the last sentence of your first paragraph your thesis statement, summing up the main idea. Your last paragraph will be summing up the essay, reflecting back on what you said at the beginning.

:)

Poetry / Mother Earth - 'You use me and abuse me'; Poem-Revisions [5]

Hmm, this is a great poem! I feel like an artist just asked me to touch up a painting.

The only thing I can come up with, is that you have sets of two lines, all the way to the end, and then there are three, then one. I would just make those two lines each.

Graduate / Qualifications to be a successful prospective graduate (i.e. personal strengths, achievements, etc.) [3]

I was fortunate enough to be appointed as a junior...

Since I lack exposure to the tools and concepts...

Also, I have a vision of managing my own business

Therefore, I realized that it is the right time to enhance my capabilities to ensure ...

After doing countless hours of research, I decided to study...

I believe that with the specialized academic environment,...

Since I acquired double Bachelor degree, with an aim to strengthen my foundation in basic concepts of trade, commerce and engineering.

This is great!;
...with keen interest and dedication that will lead me to achieve brilliant success at your university.

Also, conducting annual farmer's orientation program for the past three years.

Other merits include, conducting event management for the...

Sounds like you should be a teacher, rather than a student! Good essay! :)

Undergraduate / ENGLISH RESEARCH PAPER ON BABY DESIGN [2]

Your essay is very good! I only found a few minor things;

Imagine a futuristic couple desiring to have their own child, sitting in the doctor's...

The question is, if we had this kind of power, would we take advantage of it?

...the future outlook of new genetic discoveries has led scientists to believe that...

In the movie, the main character, Vincent, is discriminated against for being a...

babies will proceed with long life, super-intelligence, and resistance to illness.

"Baby designing" has many pros and cons, but the question still remains as to whether it is...

Your essay is very good!

Undergraduate / "My M.S. in aerospace engineering" - Sop for electrical engineering [2]

...especially my mother who herself happens to be a scientist. Together, they guided me into pursuing electrical engineering during my undergraduate studies.

...by the time I was in the final year, I had developed a fair amount...

Last summer I had worked with the NGO,CRY (Child Rights and You), and had participated in several of its activities.

Aerospace industry in India is still in its infancy...

The research conducted in the department of Adaptive Intelligent Materials and Systems (AIMS) headed by Dr. Aditi Chattopadhyay is of great interest to me. This sentence is great!

Anyone can tell by your essay, that you are passionate about your chosen field of study and very intelligent. They will be lucky to have you!

Graduate / 'the field of Micro/Nanofluidic' - S,O,P for PhD in mechanical engineering [3]

WOW!! Great opening paragraph!!

...career objectives substantiate my determination.

In paragraph two, you should say what that special talent was!
Your essay is one of the best I've read, strong and certainly not boring.

The last paragraph ends abruptly in the middle of a sentence. Is it not finished yet?

Undergraduate / My Personal Statement For Accounting [4]

The last sentence in the first paragraph is great, very powerful!

You should stick to the subject of accounting in the first paragraph. What I thought of as I was reading this essay was that, where you mention that you're involved with the college debating team, that would be a great place to tell about how people who know you say you should become a lawyer. If you add it there, as a funny anecdote, it would not only brighten up the essay, but it might make you more of a real person to those reading it.

Your last paragraph is great, but you do need to mention accounting in there, reflecting back on your opening statement, thus tying it all together.

I have always dreampt of becoming a...

After a lot of practice and learning the concept of each topic I then started to build up confidence in God and myself.

...I was very proud of myself for what I had achieved.

I also like going to the gym in order to get fit.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin College Supplement Essay-How have you prepared for Bowdoin? [5]

Hello!
You are not answering the prompt here, which is, "Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's?"

You didn't say anything about educational experience, academics, what you plan to study...

You are a very good writer though;
There are only rainwater and fallen leaves on the basketball court. is great, and so is this; Bowdoin establishes the perfect atmosphere to walk, to dig and to achieve.

Letters / Letter of Motivation for applying Computer Science related fields [4]

I believe that advanced training in a graduate program of good quality will help me to realize my dream.

With my three years' of consistent efforts and keen interest,...

..I spent numerous hours in the laboratory studying papers, experimenting with new ideas

During my internship in XXXX Co. Ltd., my quick learning and hard working also impressed the project manager.

My interest in distributed computing began from two years ago...

It is essential that I should fill in the gaps in my knowledge of in parallel and distributed...

...I strongly aspire to secure admission in order to pursue graduate studies, ...

Great essay! Sounds like they'll be lucky to have you as a student!

Essays / Need Ideas! 5 Page Essay on concept defined by both author within their writing. [5]

Well, in the letter, one of King's important ideas was that you can't consider anyone an "outsider" when we're all right here in America, regardless of skin color. This type of essay can seem overwhelming because you know it has to be so long, but it'll be easy to figure out what to write once you take that first step: Try to find an idea from the other guys work that you could compare with this idea.

Don't forget to use Jr.
Good luck with your essay! This is one that will be easy to write once you get started, because it's great reading, and interesting content by two great writers. It could be way worse, like having to write a three page essay on say,..."What was Shakespeare Trying to Convey by the use of the Word Thine, in Each of the Three Plays.... :)

Undergraduate / "my love for psychology" - Is my essay too objective? [6]


There is nothing wrong with that sentence! It was my mistake; I hallucinated an error that would have been obvious and easy to fix if it had been real. But alas... it is fine, and you write well!

Writing Feedback / ISU essay on the novel Middlesex [3]

Well, I have not read the book, and am sort of getting the gist of it, but you switch back and forth between "he" and "she" when referring to Cal, and it makes your essay very hard to understand. You have to write the essay as if explaining it to someone who has not read the book.

Also, Cal's attraction to a classmate that she refers to as the Obscure Object,...

...but his parents try to down play it to him and explain that there is...

Through the discovery of his disorder Cal is beginning to understand why...

They say the traumatic events we face help us grow as a person and give us a strength

It is because of her acceptance and understanding of herself that she is able to open up to Julie and tell her about his condition. In the end, he finds out that Do you see what you're doing here, going back and forth? It makes this too confusing.

Book Reports / Macbeth WAS corrupt, figurative language and a theme! [5]

...places him at a metaphorical crossroad early in the play.

Through stage direction, Macbeth...

The soliloquy does not fail to foreshadowing what Macbeth is capable of.

But as the story progresses, it becomes evident that Macbeth is willing to do anything and everything in his power to satisfy his lust for more of it.More of what?

At this point, he is a very different Macbeth than he was earlier.

Undergraduate / "If someone asked me where I was from..." - NEOUCOM Essay [2]

Upon establishing a bond with a community, I would always...

That, coupled with frequent moves across the east coast the United States and the...

However, one question has always remained answered, which is my resolve to pursue of a career in medicine.

Over the time, I learned to share my rich heritage with the workplace through interactions with patients and hospital staff.

All these experiences have not only further cemented my goal of becoming a doctor, but have also made me acknowledge my uniqueness as a first generation Iraqi-Afghani American.

... I was delighted to know that my goal of becoming a doctor can become a reality.

Undergraduate / "my love for psychology" - Is my essay too objective? [6]

Hi! This is clever enough! I did find a few little things though;

With metacognition, there are almost infinite answers to why we think the way we do , each derived from a different school of psychology.

But aAt Oberlin , lecture halls aren't the only places where intellectual curiosity is fueled.

I've only just discovered my love for psychology last year,...

I plan on taking a class in anthropology, and I've made it a long-term goal of mine to become fluent in Spanish.

Given my varied interests, I appreciate Oberlin's academic flexibility (ExCo and the Winter Term come to mind here).This sentence needs to be revised.

Writing Feedback / 'fast-changing environments'; traditional house vs modern apartment building? [3]

This essay doesn't make a lot of sense. [/b]
[b]

If you stay in the traditional house, you have to live a frugal and economical life. Why??

When entering this kind of house, you will see many things old covered with dust.Apartments get dusty too!!

...n this house, there are many electrical appliances such as refrigerator, television and radio which you cannot have if staying in the traditional house.Why not?! Of COURSE you can!!

...tools such as computers and play stations which are a way of entertainment for people living in a city.They also have these in the country.

Writing Feedback / Term Paper about Jewish Music in North Africa [3]

This seems like a tough assignment! I did find a few glitches;

This artist made Rai to the most famous Arabic music in the world.

Thanks to his strong voice and to his modern style nourished by different influences.This sentence is incomplete.

Graduate / "in love with Economics" - applying for a Master's or diploma programme [3]

Wow, this is a great and impressive essay! Good strong ending too, it shows they'll be lucky to have you. I guess I think that first paragraph is too long. It is nice to end the first para sooner, so that the reader can get a sense of what the essay is all about.

I still remember the day I fell in love with Economics; it was, the first day of my last semester as a college freshman.

The concepts taught in that Introductory Macroeconomics class made perfect sense to me; they explained logically the...

My parents, siblings, everyone I know suggested that I become a doctor, as they believed I possessed the aptitude and stamina for medical studies.

This needs to be fixed----> It is my intention to work for a few years to work internationally for five years in order to gain enough experience to start up my own consulting firm.

Undergraduate / Fathers try to have a direct effect on their children- UT(Impact Person) [5]

There are two ways by which a person can be affected by another person.

The first way happens during live interaction with others, ...

...something in their lives just because of an advice they got from somebody else.

If we describe this way as direct, then the indirect way would be when a...

After finishing high school, he was not discouraged by the fact that his grades were too low to get him into college. He decided to move back to his homeland, Saudi Arabia, where he joined an oil company.

for 33 years until I (the youngest of my brothers) have graduated, before he can retire.

Looking all the way back at how my father began, without nothing, ...

..all of this makes me feel that if I did not complete my education and get at least a masters-degree, it would be a huge disappointment for them. Be sure to mention that YOU would be hugely disappointed also!! :)