Graduate / "A programmer? No way!" - That was my response up until I met my programmer teacher in high school [7]

Nick, what you wrote was an essay that answers the prompt but not in a complete manner because you concentrated solely on your academic development. The essay wishes to have you discuss the well-rounded development of your interest in computer programming. That means you do not use dialogue in the essay but instead describe how your interest in the field of computer programming grew. Showing the foundation of the interest from say, the day you got your first laptop or your first computer class at school. There is no need to discuss your academic achievements, where you graduated, or anything else relating to your academic background because the admissions officer will definitely refer to your transcript of records for a more accurate analysis of your academic qualifications. The contents of your essay are just a redundancy that will not interest the admissions officer in reading any further into your paper.

What you have to do at this point is revise the essay to adhere more closely to the prompt. That means you tell the reader about your early interest in computers and programming and then what subjects are interested in and how the university you are applying to can help you achieve the kind of success that you envision. You do that by mentioning specific classes you want to take, mentors you look forward to working with, and internships you would like to participate in. Even a social activity reference would help help this particular essay. Care to have another go at the essay? I'm sorry about having you revise the whole paper but that is the only way to make it properly respond to the prompt.

Undergraduate / My working experience in New York - FIT Fashion Merchandising, from The Netherlands. [11]

The essay has definitely improved but it still needs a lot of work. There are quite a number of loopholes that need to be plugged before this essay is even ready for final editing. I hope you can stick with me as we clean it up :-)


- This opening paragraph would have been more effective if you had developed a sentence or two referring to your interest in fashion from an early age. Remember, you are supposed to present the foundation of your interest in fashion. That is clearly lacking in your essay.


- Such as? Be specific. Mix your academic qualifications with your internships and extra curricular. You need to show how you fit into the FIT educational system.


- What were your duties in relation to the major you are applying to? Double check your paragraph for capitalization errors (dutch instead of Dutch)


- Clarify the beginning of this paragraph. Who owned the two collections you speak of? Did you photograph it? How did you win the internship in New York? These are all qualifications that can be considered during your screening process.


- Let me remind you for the second time not to waste your word count on irrelevant information such as when you arrived in New York and the size of your apartment. The admissions officer has no interest in this. Rephrase the paragraph to include the date you arrived in New York and then go directly to a description of the internship.


- What impressed Christy about you so much that she stole you away from your then current internship? This is too vague and only name drops celebrities, which does not impress anybody in this case. You are trying to sell your talents, skills, and leadership abilities, I have yet to see any references to that throughout the essay.


- There is no evidence of this leadership skill in relation to your chosen major in this essay. When you make a claim, back it up with evidence. Show a leadership side to you in one of the many paragraphs and activities that you have presented.

Undergraduate / I truly embraced service to my community throughout high school and will continue to do so [2]

Marcus, do not offer information that is not being asked for in the essay. You are only allotted 150 words to provide your personal definition of the words progress and service. Don't confuse the issue by discussing your volunteer work and how you hope to continue it int he future at Georgia Tech. Instead, fully discuss your personal understanding of the word. First give the words meaning and then discuss them in terms of action. That is how this kind of essay works more effectively. Don't deviate by discussing the activities you plan to participate in. That is not required and is irrelevant in this essay.

Undergraduate / "Curious" was the mostly used adjective in reference to me - personal essay [4]

In that case, write this personal essay without any reference to your chosen major. Any writing supplements relating to that should be able to address your interests in that field. In the case of a personal essay, you should be talking about yourself in terms of your personality and traits. These are your behaviors or points of view that should help you become a successful college student at your chosen university. Expand upon your curiosity if need be and how your constant questioning is what will help you become a successful person in the future. Dig deep into your personality profile and find a part of yourself that you can discuss in this essay. Curiosity works, it just needs to be developed further without leaning on your interest in mechanics to move it along.

Graduate / "A programmer? No way!" - That was my response up until I met my programmer teacher in high school [7]

Nick, is there a specific personal essay prompt that you are attempting to answer with this particular personal statement? If you are, please post that prompt here so that we can better review and advice you about the essay. As of now, the personal essay does not seem personal at all. It is almost as if you are trying to answer a common essay prompt about any achievements and accomplishments you have had that relate to your interest in this field of study. You may be repeating information in this case instead of answering the prompt in the correct manner. You need to be sure that you are answering the correct prompt otherwise your essay will fail to become relevant to your application. A personal statement is supposed to talk about you on a more personal level, but not at that the central identity level because that is a different prompt altogether. Please get back to us with the correct prompt you are trying to respond to so that we can make sure that the essay is answering the prompt or direct it more towards the prompt requirements. Thanks :-)

Undergraduate / My Chinese name - Yueqiao, brings my weapons to make me grow and my bridges across the world! [6]

Well Amanda, you have certainly presented a unique answer to this essay that will effectively work in your favor. Not everyone will have the ability nor opportunity to discuss the meaning of their name in the highly interesting manner that you do in your essay. This is not only a central identity story but a cultural trip that will help people understand the way Chinese names are picked out for their family members. Your essay's strength lies in the fact that you use languages to build your central identity. I am just wondering if the central identity story that you have chosen to tell is somehow related to your college major? If there is a connection, then all the better for you. There are still grammatical errors that need to be corrected in the essay but it can wait until you are absolutely sure that this is the version of the essay that you want us to review and edit for you. It is not too late for you to add or delete content. We can get started on that after your next post if you feel you want to play around with this version a little bit more.

Undergraduate / Business is something I have had a vast attachment and curiosity towards for as long as I remember [2]

Zaheen, aside from needing to divide your essay into paragraphs, your narration has successfully answered the prompt and presented the foundation of your interest in business and economics in a very clear way. I was wondering though if you could expand a bit on the discussion about your discovery of the word "director". How did you react to this word and what events followed it? Did you ask your dad what it was all about? How did that word become the first word that you learned in relation to business. I also think that you should close the essay by coming full circle and mentioning that word again. Maybe say something along the lines of your father's dream for you to become a director is close to becoming a reality because of your college degree?

Undergraduate / "Curious" was the mostly used adjective in reference to me - personal essay [4]

Sandro, when you write your personal essay, don't forget that you need to present an original essay about you in a personal sense. That means that you need to review the other essay prompts from the university that you are applying to and then make sure that you are not rehashing the same information your personal essay. This essay that you wrote sounds like you may have already discussed it in the "What influenced your career choice" or "Tell us how your interest in the field developed" themed common apps.

Your personal essay should portray a side of you that is not presented in the common essay apps. There are usually 6 common essay prompts for you to choose from or answer so writing the personal essay can be quite tricky. I suggest that you write about something related to you that is not covered in the common prompts. Don't even dream of using the same personal essay for all your applications. Usually the applications will vary in theme and you will find that your personal essay for one university may turn out to be a common app essay in another. Brace yourself for constant essay writing during your college application process. That is the only way to make sure that you will properly address the essay prompts.

Needless to say, I feel that a revision is in order for your essay because you are trying to guess what essay discussion will be of interest to the admissions officer you will e sending this application to. I advice you to double check the essay prompts from this university in order to make sure that you are not making a mistake with the chosen topic for your personal essay. With any luck, the school will have offered you a prompt to respond to in line with your personal statement.

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Just to be clear, the conclusion we are talking about here is as follows:


You have to correct the word divers to "diverse". Divers are people who like to dive into pools or go snorkeling or deep sea diving. Diverse means many different experiences. Perhaps you can add more life lessons that you have collectively learned over the past months in order to make it a stronger conclusion and allow more insight into how you spent your gap year. After all, you are supposed to explain about the elements that make up the year you spent away from academics.

Undergraduate / 'Look mommy - a scorpion!' - UC Application Essay (my world I came from) [2]

This first paragraph does not help establish anything about the world that you come from and the influences that were present. That discussion does not start for you until after this paragraph. The paragraph that came after this really contained the hook and story progression about the world you come from so you should just delete the first paragraph and jump directly to the second as your opening statement.

- Only respond to the essay prompt. Do you provide any information that is not relevant to the prompt nor being asked for in the essay. This particular paragraph is not relevant and therefore should not be in this essay. This is a response paragraph meant for a different essay prompt such as what you hope to achieve at the University of California. It does not belong in a "Describe the world you come from" essay.

Undergraduate / I was going to follow in my grandfather's footsteps and pursue a degree in Business Administration [2]


- Try avoid cliche statements like "since i was little". In fact, you should skip this paragraph altogether. The most important volunteer work that you should mention is your most recent one. Anything that you did while in high school counts. Anything before that is not relevant as you could not have done any really effective volunteer work as a child.

Overall though, this is an essay that shows an intricate development of your interest and the degree of self-teaching via on the job training that you earned while helping your mother with the pool company. This is one essay that works very well towards answering the prompt provided.

Undergraduate / 'I was born in Mombasa, Kenya and lived with my mother and father' - UC college entrance essay [4]

Much better. However, I believe that you should explain how the lack of education on your mother's part hindered her ability to get better jobs and why your relatives refused to help her. That will play very well with her constant reminder that education is important. With regards to your plans, include your mother in that enumeration. Surely you have a plan to help your mother out after you graduate, perhaps by making her proud that you completed your education and that you were able to change societies expectations of you because of it, just like your mother predicted an education would. It will give the essay more personal touch and connection.

Undergraduate / Smaller class is what I'm looking for; nurse career - VCU ESSAY PROMPTS - PRIMARY GOAL - WHY VCU [4]

A few suggestions for you Cat.


- When you mention other AP courses that mimic a college course load, you should make the effort to mention some of those classes in order to prove your claim. Just mention the classes, you don't need to go into a detailed explanation of the course.

The statement that you have written is quite strong and thoroughly responds to the prompt. Aside from the extra information I am suggesting you provide above, the essay is quite ready for use already. At least that is my opinion :-) If you want to work anything else into the statement, just do so and I will help you blend it in to work with the rest of the paper.

Undergraduate / 'We are all walking advertisements' - Advertising and Marketing Communications Major Essay [2]

Elizabeth, your essay suffers from an identity crisis. Either you write an essay regarding your qualifications as a FIT student or you write an essay advocating your stance as a future journalism student. Don't present more than one discussion per essay. Specially when the essay is not asking you for such information. You also did not present a clear idea relating to your qualifications as a FIT student. Do you have any relevant apprenticeships? Awards? Seminars attended? Those are the kinds of information that would prove you are worthy and meet the qualifications of an ideal FIT student. You have presented so much wordy information about yourself that you neglected to answer one of the most important questions posed by the essay. Try to revise the essay for clarity and also a presentation of the qualifications that you have that fit into the FIT values, goals, or criteria for their students. We need to shorten this essay to include only the important elements of the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / The road less traveled challenged me because i hate it - common app supplement [3]

Nasir, you don't really answer the prompt. You should mention the poem but title and present quotes that have had a great impact upon you. Then relate the discussion that you presented in a manner that shows how the poem affected you to either take action or simply feel and develop a different point of view on a topic that used to be of no importance to you. The statement that you have presented is confusing and hard to understand because there is no real basis for the introduction of your discussion nor a title to the poem which the reader might be able to look up as a reference in order to better understand what you are trying to present in your discussion. This essay /statement just does not work the way it is supposed to. You need to revise it.

Research Papers / Paragraph highlighting the employment situation in Saudi Arabia. Need help with phrasing. [2]

See if this rephrasing works for you:

Saudi Arabia and other gulf countries all suffer from a job market problem for its citizens due to the constant hiring of foreigners to fill the positions in the labor market. In Saudi this has caused a 12 % unemployment rate even though 92% of Saudians make up the workers in the public sector. The private sector would rather hire expatriates than Saudians due to the lower salary that the expats receive, thus they outnumber the Saudians in the private sector. The governments must resolve this problem in order to help the Saudians and our own economy. A quota must be placed on the number of foreigners hired by a private company, with its quota being reduced over time until only Saudians fill the vacant positions in a process known as Ization.

Undergraduate / I'll cherish every minute to experience distinctive life and try my best to be a better person. [2]

Cora, your SOP sounds more like a college application and creative essay more than a forma statement of purpose.Are you applying to college or for a masters degree ? In order to properly write a statement of purpose, you must first understand what the requirements of the essay are. This means you must analyze the essay prompt / question, which I am sure was provided to you with the application packet, for it's requirements and central topic. I would appreciate it very much if you can provide us with the SOP question that was given to you. Normally though, a SOP for masters studies answers the following questions:

1. What is your current profession and how does it relate to your interest in higher studies?
2. What training and seminars have you attended and how does it affect your ability to succeed as a higher studies student?
3. How does completing this degree help you achieve your future goals and ambitions?
4. Why would studying overseas be the best option for you to achieve these goals and ambitions?
5. What are your short and long term plans in relation to your career after completing your masters?

I hope this helps :-)

Undergraduate / I have always hated waiting and yet here I was sticked around for judges verdict. UC Essay prompt 2 [8]

I've got a few suggestions to help you improve the essay :-)


- The paragraph has a stronger impact without the generic sentence at the start.


- ... never considered ourselves to be the best dancers ...


- ... selected dancer s.


- our group will be ...


- worked tirelessly .
- Effortlessly means to not have to work hard at doing something. I am sure that is not what you meant.


- an explanation as to why we weren't...


- why our application may have not been in the list.

Undergraduate / The Function Defined as P = Math - College Essay [10]

Hi Peter, no rush at all. The essay is ready save for one final edit that I have been trying to work into the essay since it stands out like a sore thumb. I think I found a way to fix it though. let me run the revised paragraph by you:

Without a hint of approval or disapproval in her face, I sat before my mother at the tender age of five, wishing to make her smile as I accomplish the task she has set before me, but without having any idea how to do it." What are you waiting for? Go on..."

That line about the hint of approval or disapproval was the only thing that I felt held the essay back from being ready for submission. I believe the essay works better this way and yes, it is ready for submission with this final and absolute change in the first paragraph. The rest of the essay is fine and should not be changed :-)

Undergraduate / She's the one that gave me life, she is the person who helps me a lot - my mom. [8]

Salma, even if it is a speaking text it is too short. How many minutes do you have to speak? Divide the time between the topics you have written then develop each paragraph content to complete a section of the time provided to you until you use up the provided time. Take one topic for every time allotment and fully develop it to your needs. Your teacher should be able to tell you how many pages of essay or word count that you need in order to complete the spoken essay within the time frame provided. Ask your professor for details about the spoken essay and then let us know what he tells you so that we can help you expand the essay :-)

Undergraduate / From electrical to Industrial - my SOP for review [2]

Mohammed, you have to understand that when you apply for higher learning, more weight is given to your professional experience instead of your high school and academic accomplishments or participation. All of the masters degree schools understand that you have graduated from a college major related to your field of work so they don't really need to rehash you childhood dreams and high school aspirations. What interests them is your potential for a future in your current field of work. That said, I will have to tell you that your essay presents too much irrelevant information about your past that is not really helpful to your application. Consider answering only 4 important questions in relation to your application:

1. What is your current field of work?
2. What is your reason for applying for higher studies?
3. Do you have any current training or seminars to speak of that relate to your potential to succeed in more advanced fields of work and study in this area? (This takes th e place of your high school dreams and ambitions and college academic experience.) Mention your college education very briefly in relation to the seminars you have attended and other training you have received.

4. Reveal your short and long term goals in terms of your career advancement and how becoming an expert in this field will be of great service to you in achieving those plans.

As you can see, you can actually take portions of your essay and use it to answer these questions. Just concentrate on making sure that you answer these 4 basic and most important questions in your essay and the SOP will be just fine :-)

Undergraduate / With my little Fisher Price cassette player I interviewed family members about their favorite things [4]

It will work. But you need to mention each organization, what you learned from your participation there, and how it helped to further develop your interest in communications. For every organization, relate one of the character traits that it helped you develop. Quickly share an experience and explain how it helped you grow as a person. You can then conclude the essay by stating that you hope all of the lessons you have learned and experience will hopefully, allow you to become one of the best students in your chosen major. Try to write the paragraph and then add it to the essay before you post that revised version here. We can then check for the fluidity of the paragraph and fix any transition problems it might have.

Undergraduate / To me UWC, is transformational education at its best; Why UWC? International high school application [3]

Arapi, here is my suggestion for a better take on your essay.

I chose to attend UWC Mostar because of the opportunity to offers me to attend classes in a post war society. The school is located in a historic Albanian location where the past, present, and future all collide to provide me with a unique learning experience, which will only be further enhanced by the academic goals of UWC Mostar.

The UWC Mostar education experience is an international experience that is unique to the students of the school / college. Its transformational education will allow me to have a definitive learning adventure that will allow me to develop my skills and cognitive thinking geared towards the completion of my higher academic demands and pursuits.

I look forward to becoming a productive member of the student community as a potential student leader involved in everything already established clubs, groups, and activities and the establishment of new student extra curricular activities meant to further enhance the student community interactive experience.

This version of the essay is incomplete because your version was also incomplete. You failed to mention a specific mission and value of UWC as a school that you can identify with as a student and how it can help you become a better student and person over the time you will be spending at the school. You also need to mention specific extra curricular activities or clubs that you are looking forward to participating in. Be specific about everything because you need to prove you are familiar with the school and its demands upon its students. Prove that you have the ability to perform academically and socially should you be admitted to the school. If the school has a specific interest in teaching its students, say it leans more towards a scientific education, then explain why you believe that this slant of education will benefit your future college studies.

The word count does not matter at the moment. Just write everything that needs to be written and we will bring down the word count as we edit the essay. We need to finalize the message of the essay then everything else will fall into place.

Undergraduate / I generally have the values of an introvert; School of Visual Arts (500 Words) General College Essay [4]

You have presented a good discussion in response to the prompt Devon. However, you can use some improvement with your introductory paragraph. It is just not as interesting as it can be at this point. Try to avoid defining the difference between being an introvert and extrovert by concentrating on your introverted attitude instead. This will make the essay move faster and create more interest for the reader as it will explain how your talent for visual arts developed in a more interesting manner. Talk more about the contest where you won third place. What was the contest about? How did it help to further fuel your desire for visual artistry? Mention all your notable accomplishments in this field because this will be the only chance where you can use those accomplishments to your benefit by presenting it to the admissions officer.

Undergraduate / My working experience in New York - FIT Fashion Merchandising, from The Netherlands. [11]

Claudia, don't open with the statement about flying to New York. Go back further back to your first internship. Discuss how you developed your love of fashion from there, working your way through your other internships and lessons learned until you decided to come to New York. That will make the essay adhere to the prompt but present a different sense of how your passion for fashion developed. When you cut to New York, immediately state that you went there for an 8 month internship. Then discuss what you learned and how FIT slowly came to your knowledge through this exposure to the fashion world. Close the essay by explaining how you feel like FIT is the perfect place for you to learn about fashion because of your international experience in the fashion world and the ability of FIT to enhance the talents and skills of foreign fashiion designers or things to that effect.

The admissions officers have no desire to learn about your apartment, how you came to America, or any other personal details this is a qualifications essay so just present the information required. Remember that in any essay that you write, you can never go wrong by presenting only information that is asked for. You can do harm to your application if you present too much non-required information though :-)

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Gia, let's try to present the reason for your gap year at the very start of the essay.

The essay you wrote is already solid, we just need to give it an effective hook at the start if you replace what you have now with something similar to my introduction or my introduction itself, it should work. Don't worry about the word count, it will go down by itself and we can force it to have lesser words when the final draft comes :-)

Scholarship / I wanted to stand as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role model to others [7]

My comment stands Adeyemi. That means that I am not changing my review of your modified essay even if it is for another school. It does not answer the prompt at all once you compare the requirements of the essay with what you wrote. The problem with your essay is that instead of discussing your character or personality traits, you spent a great deal of time talking about your academic personality and a part of that essay was also spent rehashing the story about your mother and the time when your father lost his job. None of which relate to a discussion or story about who you are. Are you a charitable person? An analytical mind? Perhaps an observant person? These are some traits that describe who you are and allows the admissions officer to get an idea of the kind of person you will be once you join the academic and student community. Choose an event in your life that best describes one of your character traits and then develop your essay around that :-)

Undergraduate / Rewards of my continued efforts [5]

Adeyemi, the essay is a bit narrow in perspective due to the way you presented it. It would have been better if you had presented a secondary story that showed how your hard work has paid off for you by allowing you an opportunity to speak before the students again and this time, successfully doing it. That way you are not just enumerating the activities that you did in an effort to overcome your stage fright, you proved that you actually learned something about yourself and how the activities helped to improve your character and personality. Always remember that you are using the essay to build up your image with the admissions officer. So never neglect to properly develop the positive aspects of your personality and your intelligence at every opportunity :-)

Undergraduate / Smaller class is what I'm looking for; nurse career - VCU ESSAY PROMPTS - PRIMARY GOAL - WHY VCU [4]

Cat, your primary goal should be to complete your course using the various academic and extra curricular opportunities available to VCU students. Don't lecture the admissions officer about their class size. Instead, explain how you are confident that the smaller class size will help you learn your lessons better due to the more concentrated attention of the professors towards the students. You mentioned taking AP classes in preparation for your VCU education. Mention more than just biology. Talk about how you feel that Biology and your other relevant AP classes have prepared you not only for the course load of your major, but also for the demands and requirements of a college degree in such a complex field. Your essay still has room for improvement. The rest of my improvement suggestions will depend upon the additional information you present in your revised essay :-)

Undergraduate / My working experience in New York - FIT Fashion Merchandising, from The Netherlands. [11]

Claudia, I'd be more than happy to help you out with your FIT application essay. There is just one problem. You uploaded the essay but did not tell us what application prompt you are trying to answer. We really can't help you with a review of the content of your essay if we do not know what you are expected to answer. Tell us what the prompt is so that we can provide you with a complete and accurate review of your essay. As of now, I can tell that you have written a general personal statement that talks about where you come from, what your experiences are, and your hopes and dreams for your future. Those are all good information to have in your essay. I am just not sure if this is the information that the FIT admissions officer will be looking upon in a positive light. I will be able to better judge the requirements of the essay once you direct me towards it using the essay prompt :-) We've got a month to whip your essay into shape, let's get started :-)

Undergraduate / With my little Fisher Price cassette player I interviewed family members about their favorite things [4]

This is a very interesting and revealing essay Katherine. The only thing is, the essay seems to abruptly end. It is almost as if there is more to be said in terms of your prompt responses. Maybe it is because I am reading the essay continuously and without any formatting guides, or maybe there is really room to add more information to the essay towards the end of the essay. I think you should discuss the creative strategies that you learned about from your involvement in those activities and organizations and how you hope to continue to build upon your strong foundation upon becoming a Communications student. That part of your essay is just a single sentence, which is why it sounds incomplete. A complete paragraph should have at least 3 sentences which are completely developed and delivers a clear message. Can you try to add more content to that part? Don't worry about going over any word count. We can help you bring it down when we get to the final version stage :-)

Writing Feedback / If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor, the way of celebration [4]

Like I said, you need to learn to divide your essay into specific topic paragraphs. Right now you have your introduction and first body combined into one paragraph. Take the part where you say "First engineers has a vital role..." and make that a new paragraph. That is how you start to write an IBC compliant essay. Your reasons are good and should not be altered in essence, but should be revised for grammatical errors instead. Always use one paragraph for every topic you discuss in your essay. Do not combine the subjects in one paragraph so that you can properly develop your discussion and line of reasoning in support of the statement. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? Can you try to revise the essay the way you think I mean so that I can tell you if you did it right? If you do it wrong, I will show you how to do it in an example.

Fantastic improvement! By simply dividing your essay into paragraphs, you have created a more academic and professional format for it. This makes the essay easier to read and allows the reader to expect a change in topic as they progress with reading your essay. The arguments you present also become better discussed and allows the reader to pause in between paragraphs to let them analyze the meaning of your writing. Good work! Your conclusion needs work though. The essay should only be a restated prompt, summary of the discussion, and a repeat of your opinion. Aside from that shortcoming, the essay is good enough.

Scholarship / I wanted to stand as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role model to others [7]

Adeyemi, you cannot use the same essay for this prompt. The reason you cannot use it is because this new prompt asks you to talk about yourself instead of someone else who served as your inspiration in life. In this particular essay, you are required to present a discussion regarding a topic which describes who you are. In the previous essay, we described your mother as a person who inspired you. In this essay, we need to describe who you are, who is the person behind the name? For example, you can describe a time when your father was unemployed and you did something to help out the family financially. Perhaps take on a part time job or sell one of your prized possessions in order to help out the family. Maybe you even took care of the household while your mom worked to keep the family financed. Remember, the key to this essay is to highlight a strong personality or trait of yours which resonates with the reader. You need to show a strong side to your personality that allows you to portray your potential to be more than you can be because of it. Some of the samples I mentioned should work fine for this essay but if you can think of something else, write the essay using it and we will work on improving it :-)

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement # 1 Describe the world you come from [3]

I suggest that you cut out the following paragraph from your essay:


The essay just works better without that paragraph. It seems like a stand alone paragraph that does not really connect with the other paragraphs so you can delete it and use the freed up word count to enhance the other aspects of your essay such as your work as an editor in chief.

Undergraduate / I am many things, but a public speaker is not one of them. UC PROMPT #2 [3]

Leslie, I don't understand why you are worried about this essay. It is a very good essay that really shows the depth of your accomplishments as a choir member on a deeper level than simply getting over your stage fright. You have shown the reader a number of perfectly good reasons to be proud of what you did because it all relates to your improvement as a person. From overcoming your stuttering, to improving your health, being a member of the choir has certainly done you well. In my opinion, you should just complete a grammar check on this essay and then submit it with the rest of your essay apps :-) Make sure you have made the essay the best that it can be because as far as I can see, it has reached perfection in terms of your needs.

Undergraduate / Diversity has no bounds, Diversity can be made up of all creatures or all matter - Boulder answer [2]

Aaron, you actually wrote a lot of words but still ended up not answering the prompt questions properly. You need to revise the content to reflect the following:

1. What are your academic and extra curricular hopes for college? Detail the kind of college experience you look forward to having while you are at CU. Do you want to party all the time? Study all the time? Or find a balance between the two? How do you plan to do that?

2. You spoke about the student community but did not really present any ideas as to how you plan to improve the college experience for yourself and others like you. Some possible answers to that question include starting your own club or organization, volunteering for specific activities, or engaging in student government. Those are but some topics that you can discuss in that paragraph.

The essay need not be overly long. Just answer the questions directly using my guide and you should be able to formulate a new draft that we can work on improving :-)

Undergraduate / Studying history allows us to understand the growth of "humanity"... Lehigh Essay [7]

This is exactly 250. See if this version works for you. Feel free to use it or make a new version using it as a basis.

I am attracted most to the mutlifaceted approach to learning and living at Lehigh. With an independent and interdisciplinary program that is enhanced by its divers community and interests, I know that I will be able to integrate my passion for history into a broader liberal arts curriculum spanning all aspects of human knowledge and new ideas.

At the heart of my interest in history is my goal of contributing to historical knowledge. I hope to work with Professor Grigoryan whose research on Soviet and Post-Soviet international relations resonates with my Russian cultural background. The Mountaintop Initiative would give me the opportunity to conduct research with other students in an environment promoting creative and thoughtful exploration.

Whether I'm cheering for the Mountain Hawks as they take on Lafayette, watching a club performance at the Zoellner Arts Center, or just shooting pool with my dormmates, the wide variety of activities will always keep me entertained.

Having worked with elementary and middle school students in an educational setting, I would be interested in joining the club "America Reads America Counts" to help engage elementary schools students in fun, educational activity that cultivates their love of learning. I hope to one day promote my own club: a historical community outreach group that will teach local school children about their ancestors and generate enthusiasm for learning about the past.

Freedom sparks creativity and creativity spurs progress. I look to be part of a freethinking and integrated community at Lehigh that supports my intellectual growth.

Undergraduate / Studying history allows us to understand the growth of "humanity"... Lehigh Essay [7]

Daniel, we need a line that talks about your extra curricular activities at the school. You need to mention some ways that you plan on using the school community and facilities to relax during your off school hours. Remember, American university life is not all about academics. They are looking for a student who knows how to balance work and play in their lives. Is there an extra curricular activity at the school that you may be interested in? It can be any activity that you feel you can excel in but still relax at the same time. I believe that this lacking aspect is why your essay still feels raw when you read it.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]


- In the process, we helped our community...
- Adeyemi, are you writing this essay in British or American English? The mode of English will dictate how you spell the word. In American English the word is spelled as REALIZED, in British English, it is spelled as REALISED. You have to speak in past tense because this is already a previous event.

The essay is already perfect in my opinion and the word count is not too long. It is quite an informative and excellently worded essay even though it is considered short by most standards. It will be appreciated by the reader for sure.

Undergraduate / Healing and helping people through a healthy diet - college application essay [2]

Jennifer, I think your essay will benefit better from the mention of your wish to become a dietician early on in the introductory paragraph. By presenting the major and then the reason for the hoice of major, you will develop a better and shorter discussion that will be more suited to the prompt Don't include any information about what diabetes is, what you learned about the diet, etc. because you will be talking down to the admissions officer. It comes across as a lecture instead of as a part of the application essay. Just mention that your mother had type one diabetes and you had to help her fix her diet in order to help her health. That is when you can launch into how the interest developed for you. Close it by saying that you learned how by keeping your mother healthy, you are also keeping yourself healthy because what is good for her, is also good for you :-)