Essays / Essay on 'Difference between civil life and rural life' [3]

Hi.

This is a forum that allows one to present their essays and we, collectively, look at it and provide you with some points on how you can improve it. Having said that, why don't you write some of the essay and present it to the group?

Thanks,

Mark

Graduate / My interest in the retail business [3]

I'm sure that you witnessed your father do other things with the business that encouraged you to enter into business yourself. What were these things that you witnessed? In these, you will find the strength for your introduction.

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "Despite the difficulties I endured" [8]

right, and that's why it is called an "auto-immune" disease. Again, good luck!

Mark

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "Despite the difficulties I endured" [8]

Beyond what was already said -- that you ought not use the contraction when writing a formal essay and not to use cliches -- the essay is very good and very powerful! The only comment I would like to make is to use a comma after "a nervous system attacking disease, Multiple Sclerosis." Also, you might want to consider using different terminology when describing the disease. I believe it is an "auto-immune" disease. That sounds better, I think.

Good luck. The University of Florida is a great school!

Mark

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose for Admission in Masters by reaserch (Telecommunication) [3]

Ishita,

I am glad to see that you made some of the corrections. Perhaps you might want to consider indenting with your paragraphs, or skip a line between them, as it will look cleaner. I, too, will look forward to seeing your re-write!

Mark

Writing Feedback / sense of humor, honesty, willingness - QUALITIES OF A GOOD NEIGHBOR - TOEFL [7]

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, some people consider that wealth and intelligence are qualities a good neighbor should have. In my point of view, a sense of humor, honesty and willingness are more important than other characteristics. These I support with the following reasons.

______________________________________________________________________ ____________

Some people consider wealth and intelligence as qualities a good neighbor should have. From my own perspective, honesty and willingness are more important than some of the other characteristics.

==> Leave out the first part of the first sentence. And leave out the last sentence. It is already understood that you will present your argument.

Mark

Writing Feedback / It is better to take a job with a low pay but safe than to take a job with a high pay [5]

Hi Quanxing,

That's just it, I don't think that you have one. However, it should be in the first paragraph of the essay, and it should represent your own views with respect to the question being presented to you. I think that if you look at the second and third sentences, you might be able to develop a good thesis statement.

Mark

Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]

Aside from the suggestions already made, I might add the following:

For emphasis, maybe you might consider using the following sentence: I'm happy to say that I didn't get sacked, my throw was a decent spiral, and it was caught -- by a guy on the other team. (using the "--" adds emphasis to the sentence. The ball was caught, but by a player on the opposite team).

Mark

Undergraduate / Phy & MechE-----which department or program at MIT appeals to you [3]

I have been enthused with both physics and mechanical engineering since I was in primary school. I have always liked to read books about physics and re-assembling old machines. Always dreaming about becoming a scientist and making innovative aircraft and spacecraft, I am eager to design innovative machines as well as unmask the secrets of the universe.

I am quite sure that MIT is the right place for me. There are advanced laboratories where students can breathe life into new machines and apply their skills of mechanical engineering. Also, the world's leading professors and researchers can give me an opportunity to match my eagerness and help me contribute to this world.

You also might want to limit your discussion to only one discipline.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

That was an interesting, thought-provoking essay. I enjoyed reading it in its entirety. One comment, however -- beyond what was already said. The last paragraph, 3rd sentence. I would change the word, "upmost," to "utmost."

Other than that, as well as what the others have already said, this was an excellent essay, indeed! I wish you well in your endeavors with respect to the University of Florida.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / UF Essay- My Experience With an Author. [8]

You are truly a gifted writer! I'd like to see the re-write, after you do your "homework."

By the way, you will be coming down to Florida, no? I live not more than 10 minutes from the U of F!

Thanks,

Mark

Dissertations / Management / HR - Research topic suggestion - Journals, books, and other materials for PhD [7]

I am not in management, but I do know a little bit about Human Resources. Having that said, I think that if you do (along with what Kevin has suggested) a Google Search on HR/Management, you might very well find some articles there as well. Kevin mentioned Questia, and that's an excellent database -- although it will cost you a little each month. Going to the library and looking for the journals or magazines is also good, as he also suggested. Try the Google first, however, and see where you land. When you are ready to submit your paper to the forum, let us know!

Mark

Undergraduate / What does global university mean to you? (NYU Essay) [6]

A wonderfully written essay, indeed.

However, I totally disagree with your own assessment of your country. South Korea, while it is small compared to some other nations, has made its own impact on the world stage.

Rather than stating that a strong desire was "birthed" in me, try the following:
A strong desire was born within me...

Overall, it is an excellent essay. I cannot find a lot to improve. You might consider, however, re-writing it one more time, as I have always found that re-writing something, no matter how good, contributes to the overall essay.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / "cultural diversity" - What you find most appealing about columbia and why? [4]

Hi Yotam,

I think that you need to build upon your essay some more.
The first sentence, "Despite having lived in New York for the majority of my life, the sheer volume of cultural diversity at Columbia University continues to astonish me. (try that one). Then, build upon that statement some. Tell your readers why you feel that the university astonishes you. There must be more than just the one reason. Explain yourself in more detail.

Thanks,

Mark

Speeches / Speech about my self (and dream to be a soccer player) [5]

It's an excellent speech.
both are older than me ==> watch this statement: "both are older than I." (the "am" is understood).

I also agree with Kevin. You need to separate your speech into paragraphs, each with it's own identifiable topic.

Mark

Scholarship / How to write Internship application essay- on Human rights [4]

Hi.

It would appear to me that you ought to write about one of the following:

* Legal research on international and comparative human rights law and practice to support the preparation of briefs before domestic courts and the European Court of Human Rights;

* Preparation of materials for the training workshops on the European Convention on Human Rights;
*attendance at meetings with human rights practitioners, , or visits to other international / national human rights organizations;

Mark

Undergraduate / "My parents" - my academic background [6]

You are quite right. Just change the "were" to "where."

Mark

Writing Feedback / 'destroyed pleasures'; Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [8]

You stated: Though many are of the view that childhood is the happiest time of a person's life I do not think we can generalize it is so. Of cause childhood is a very enjoyable phase in a man's life which is free from many responsibilities and challenges of the adulthood. However I believe there are several conditions that need to be satisfied for a happy childhood.

Although many people believe that one's childhood is the most happiest time in a person's life, it is often difficult to make such a generalization. Of course, one's childhood is often free from many of the responsibilities and challenges presented in adulthood; but I believe that specific conditions ought to be met in order to claim that someone has had a happy childhood.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / What are some important characteristics of a co-worker?-Toefl [5]

Your essay stated the following:
When asked what the important qualities of a supervisor are, different people hold different perspectives, due to their different experiences. After pondering this question on many occasions, I think there are several qualities that all co-workers have in common. They are responsible and cooperative people and they never give up.

Try this instead: Because of a difference in experiences, many people have different ideas about some of the important characteristics of a supervisor. After thinking about this for some time, I feel as though there are several qualities that all co-workers have in common. Co-workers, by and large, should be responsible to others and cooperate as much as possible towards a common goal.

Then, you can build upon these statements in your essay.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / The Time Machine - if i had the opportunity to do something again, what would it be. [3]

If I could go back in time, I would work harder with my studies in order to achieve more awards. I am sure that everyone wishes they can travel in time and re-work a past time, in which he or she did not work as hard as possible. To relive those times is like having a second chance at receiving the awards.

I would definitely use something like (above) this to begin my essay, as it brings forth a topic sentence upon which you can build the rest of your essay. You have some conflicts in your essay with respect to time and non/verb agreement. Otherwise, if you re-work essay using the above as a topic sentence, I think you might feel a little better about it.

Thanks,

Mark

Graduate / Describe your motivations in becoming a Physician Assistan - Graduate School [6]

Hi Kelley,

I wanted to go back and get to your essay, because I noticed that you have questioned whether the essay was actually reviewed. Please bare in mind that we receive upwards of 100+ essays a day and it's often difficult to hit each one with any sort of justice. However, I am going to give your essay a try here.

First, while you have mentioned in your first paragraph some of the things that motivated you to become a PA, you do not mention that you are leaning towards becoming one until one reaches the 4th paragraph of the essay. I would certainly try to mention the reason for the essay in the first paragraph. Give the essay some meaning. Try to tell your audience, right off the bat, so to speak, why you are writing the essay.

Being a physician assistant myself (I have practiced medicine for a little more than 16 years before retiring a few years ago), I know what these colleges and universities want in terms of the essays. It is good that you mention how your mother and your father have inspired you to study hard, but these sort of ideas are often used to strengthen your argument, not begin it. Do you understand?

Begin your essay by telling your audience that you want to become a physician assistant; make that your topic sentence for your first paragraph. Then, use the following paragraphs to strengthen that idea, tell your readers why you want to become a PA. Re-write your essay and then re-submit it to the forum. I will read it again. I wish you the best!

Thanks,

Mark

Graduate / "to give patients the utmost compassion and care" Physician Assistant Statement [9]

This was a well-written essay. I dare not change it. It is full of compassion and it is obvious that the writer is well aware of the needs of the PA in our society. Being a PA myself, I can certainly relate to his call to duty! I wish him well in his endeavors!

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / Good grades on every subject - Statement of Purpose transfer A&M biology major [8]

Jonathan,

I feel as though you are using too many words in your sentences. Try this instead:

After graduating high school, I decided to attend a community college as opposed to attending a major university with an undeclared major, as a lot of my friends chose to do. Although there was a great deal of peer pressure, I decided to focus on my core classes and spend some time exploring all of my possible majors before choosing one that would determine what I will be doing for a good deal of my lifetime.

Do you get the idea? Try using smaller words, or less words in your sentences. Write to "express," rather than to "impress," and I think that you will go a lot further.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / Why do we need music? The traditinal music of a country is more important than other? [3]

Today, more than any other time, perhaps, the world is influenced by many different types of music. Although some people claim that there own country's music is more important than other kinds of music, we all need to listen to various kinds of music to appreciate the world's influence over music. According to some leading researchers, listening to music has become a vital part of today's life.

Try that for a start...then use the above as a template for completing the rest of your essay.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / Building a large shopping center in your neighborhood - 'hanging out place' [4]

You need to use some articles in your essay, such as the word, "an," or "a." The term, "convenient" should be "convenience" as it applies to the stores. In the first sentence, "In the developing world, the most important hanging out place is the shopping center...should read the following: In the developing world, the most popular place to hang out seems to be the shopping center, and it seems to be more prevalent in today's society.

Go through your essay and use the "article" more often. Also, change the term "convenient." If you post this same essay again, I might be able to help you some more.

Thanks,

Mark