Writing Feedback /
'Our parents and grandparents may be obstacles to the new world order' - [IELTS] [3]
I think the main problem of this essay is that you did not concentrate on what the topic asked you. In the body you should write one paragraph about the problems arisen from an increase in average age of people, one paragraph about its advantages. Write more than one advantage or disadvantage. Use more examples for conveying your ideas.
I think you should pay more attention to what the topic asked you.In
our daysthe contemporary age we arethere is seenseeing a
tragic trend with
the decli
nening of young population, meanwhile the number of older people is going up. Some people wonder if it will
be a benefit
for our society.
So do I, and lower I'm about to explain my ideasHowever, there is still this question that "is the positive aspects of this fact outweigh its downsides?"(I changed the last part of the introduction because in this type of topic you should mention your opinion in conclusion or as a separate paragraph in the body. In addition, the essay is going to answer this question. Therefor, if you write a question like this at the end of the introduction you can connect the introduction to the body more easily. .
On the one hand,
a large number of senior generation means that
medicine is developing day by day
(what is the relationship between "medicine" and "old population"???) . More medicals are being invented, more people's lives are being saved. Rate of people dying because of deadly illnesses is decreasing , and it has, of course, only positive effects on our society
(This is an advantage arisen from an advancement in medical industries not an increase in the number of old people in the society. Revise this paragraph) .
On the other hand ,
decreasing ofa decrease/reduction in the young people's number is very harmful for our community. Because of boundless attitudes of young
("young" is a plural word and you should not use "s") to their lives {IS IT RIGHT?}
(I don't think it is. What did you try to say.) , more and more of them die in accidents or because of taking drugs
(you do not need to write about the reasons why the number of young people is decreasing, you should just focus on the advantage and disadvantages of the upward trend with old population) . But young population today is old generation tomorrow, so it's possible to predict {i couldn't do it with other words!} that in near future populace of our globe will be less than today (or is it more effective use word "now"?) Having less population may
decreasenegatively impact the
level of our economy, which is very sensitive to any change
s happening in
ourthe world
(How may it negatively affect the economy? Support whatyou claim) . It's
(do not use contractions in writing) also vital to note that
decreasing ofthe consequences of economic setbacks, such as high rate of inflation, and reduction in the amount of salaries, create hard living conditions.economy's level may make it harder to live by growing of costs and decreasing of salaries...(It would be better to talk more about the disadvantages, if you believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. You should convince the reader that positive aspects of the issue are less than the negative ones. Support your ideas by using examples, statistics, quotations, etc. You should make the supporting statements more believable and more persuasive.)From my point of view, the main advantage of having more old people is that young
erspeople can learn
onfrom the mistakes of their predecessors and try to make the world
a better
place for livingthan it was before . But it comes as an acute problem to understand whether
young would do it or not. Concerning disa
d vantages , excluding the possible problem of economy that I've explained
higherabove (before?), I'd mention that elders may be
the obstacles
toofdeveloping new, modern culturedevelopment and progress which, in turn, is step to the new world order
(How?? Elaborate on it, it is not clear) .
Hope you find the comments helpful
Regards
Ahmad
