Liebe
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / quantum mechanics - Why does Brown interest me? [14]
Its not bad. Some tweaking on your part could strengthen the essay undoubtedly.
Its not bad. Some tweaking on your part could strengthen the essay undoubtedly.
Liebe
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]
I am going to be frank. Your introductory essay bored me. It started off with an interesting sentence. Then you rambled on and brought in a number of trite sentences that did not leave me 'grinning from cheek to cheek.'
Your second paragraph is verbose and needs grammar revision.
^...What?
Your whole overall second paragraph is verbose and in need of grammar revision.
^Then do not give off the impression that you can not express yourself. That just shows poor creativity and a lack of imagination.
^Why dont you tell your readers how. Because anyone can make such bold statements, but it takes words to explain how. Unfortunately, your essay is already so long so there is no need to add to the word count. Just remove the sentence in it's entirety. It seems unimportant enough that you did not even have to expand on it.
Ok I skim read the rest of your essay. It really lacks direction and focus. You just ramble on and on in poorly written sentences.
I scrolled up to see what people have advised, and it seems that for once, we are all on the same page.
Take the best advice: Start over again.
This essay neither shows you as a great writer, nor does it show you as a person. So quite frankly, this essay is fruitless.
I am going to be frank. Your introductory essay bored me. It started off with an interesting sentence. Then you rambled on and brought in a number of trite sentences that did not leave me 'grinning from cheek to cheek.'
Your second paragraph is verbose and needs grammar revision.
the smell of people from all over the world tickling my nose.
^...What?
Your whole overall second paragraph is verbose and in need of grammar revision.
India became my second home, and I loved it more than words could explain.
^Then do not give off the impression that you can not express yourself. That just shows poor creativity and a lack of imagination.
Although the teacher, I was the one to learn about people, love and just life in general.
^Why dont you tell your readers how. Because anyone can make such bold statements, but it takes words to explain how. Unfortunately, your essay is already so long so there is no need to add to the word count. Just remove the sentence in it's entirety. It seems unimportant enough that you did not even have to expand on it.
Ok I skim read the rest of your essay. It really lacks direction and focus. You just ramble on and on in poorly written sentences.
I scrolled up to see what people have advised, and it seems that for once, we are all on the same page.
Take the best advice: Start over again.
This essay neither shows you as a great writer, nor does it show you as a person. So quite frankly, this essay is fruitless.
Liebe
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Northwestern University Transfer Essay [9]
^I would not say you are on track here. You are not discussing why you would like to go to Northwestern, which should be an issue of concern for you, since that is what the essay prompt is asking you.
^Off track again.
^Your first sentence needs grammar reivision. What are your goals. You may have mentioned it in the earlier paragraph, but you rambled so much that it was very easy to miss you stating what your goals are in life.
You do not discuss how that environment is ideal for you. You instead make a generalized statement.
Why are you admitting that you are applying to many other Universities. It kind of is a slap in the face, because it does not suggest that Northwestern is your number one Uni.
You do not say why you treasure large size classes.
You need to work on your essay. Id say that your starting lines are fine, but that is about it really
Few applicants have the luxury of saying that the first college they wanted to attend wasis the same place that they first opened their eyes
Although, I haven't had a plan for everything in my life, my education has always been of the highest priority. (...) I currently feel academically unnourished after my duration, and I am in need of a more intellectually stimulating university to take me to the next level of my educational career.
^I would not say you are on track here. You are not discussing why you would like to go to Northwestern, which should be an issue of concern for you, since that is what the essay prompt is asking you.
Mathematics and Economics have been a passion of mine for some time now. The latter I discovered a more in-depth interest for when I started day trading in the Stock Market. My freshman year of college I was introduced to this concept of taking a small initial investment and in a matter of days seeing a sizeable profit. I became hooked, turning this part-time extracurricular activity into a full-time position alongside my heavy course load. Due to the elaborate applications of math in the stock market I thought it was only right to combine it with the study of how individuals choose to use resources. Using these two fields along with law school will help me reach my dream of starting a Mergers & Acquisitions company.
^Off track again.
Northwestern presents one of the leading economics programs in the country along with the undergraduate mathematics program MENU this school is a perfect fit for me to achieve my goals. The Weinberg College of Arts & Sciences is a place where I see myself thriving. I feel that this environment is an ideal place to bring my ambitions to the forefront of an innovative and pressing institution.
Like many of the other universities I am applying to they all posses similar leading qualities. One of the major things I now look for in a college is size. As a high school student I took for granted the small class sizes and frequent teacher interaction. As a college student I learned to treasure it.
Like many of the other universities I am applying to they all posses similar leading qualities. One of the major things I now look for in a college is size. As a high school student I took for granted the small class sizes and frequent teacher interaction. As a college student I learned to treasure it.
^Your first sentence needs grammar reivision. What are your goals. You may have mentioned it in the earlier paragraph, but you rambled so much that it was very easy to miss you stating what your goals are in life.
You do not discuss how that environment is ideal for you. You instead make a generalized statement.
Why are you admitting that you are applying to many other Universities. It kind of is a slap in the face, because it does not suggest that Northwestern is your number one Uni.
You do not say why you treasure large size classes.
You need to work on your essay. Id say that your starting lines are fine, but that is about it really
Liebe
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]
You have somewhat of a vapid approach to this essay.
What strikes me the most however, are your very obvious, and very frequent, grammar mistakes.
Also, this essay when read, feels like it can be substituted for any University, which can allow Purdue to think that perhaps you are not taking it seriously enough.
You have somewhat of a vapid approach to this essay.
What strikes me the most however, are your very obvious, and very frequent, grammar mistakes.
Also, this essay when read, feels like it can be substituted for any University, which can allow Purdue to think that perhaps you are not taking it seriously enough.
Liebe
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Participating in the regional science fair (Common App- Short Answer) [4]
The first half is rather prosaic. The last few lines however:
^I think these last few lines can be worked for a more effective conclusion.
The first half is rather prosaic. The last few lines however:
I feel like I truly have an impact on science because so many certified judges are eager to learn about my research. The skills I learned from doing this research have definitely helped me realize that I have the potential to be involved in a medical related career.
^I think these last few lines can be worked for a more effective conclusion.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'German heritage in Maryland' - a draft for the short answer section - Common App [7]
Yea your essay does need some revision here and there.
^It all depends on your writing style. If you can do justice to the philosophical statement, then that should be fine. But generally, people put up philosophical statements that they found on google, or ones that are unpopular. I personally dont think that philosophical statements is the best way to start an essay however.
'Only the uninspired are inspired by quotes'.
Its up to you though, I think your essay is fine as it is if you can revise and improve it.
Yea your essay does need some revision here and there.
does it need to start off like story with a sort of philosophical meaning or is supposed to be a straight up explanation?
^It all depends on your writing style. If you can do justice to the philosophical statement, then that should be fine. But generally, people put up philosophical statements that they found on google, or ones that are unpopular. I personally dont think that philosophical statements is the best way to start an essay however.
'Only the uninspired are inspired by quotes'.
Its up to you though, I think your essay is fine as it is if you can revise and improve it.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]
^Whilst the content is important, I think writing style should be of more importance. Excellent writing style can make up for a concept that has been used before or nothing that fantastic. So if you can flesh it out more, go for it.
Because the content in itself is nothing that incredible in my opinion.
I literally sit down in front of the piano and play stuff that comes to my mind. Do you guys feel that this could be a decent CommonApp essay (the main one) if I fleshed it out more?
^Whilst the content is important, I think writing style should be of more importance. Excellent writing style can make up for a concept that has been used before or nothing that fantastic. So if you can flesh it out more, go for it.
Because the content in itself is nothing that incredible in my opinion.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay) [10]
^I think you should. This essay is not that interesting. People do fail their tests in a while, and they do get better the next time. Nothing unusual. Just a circle of life.
If it is still unacceptable ,i may change my topic.
^I think you should. This essay is not that interesting. People do fail their tests in a while, and they do get better the next time. Nothing unusual. Just a circle of life.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Graduate / MBA behavioral essay: "Went beyond what was defined" [4]
I read your essay and I thought it was quite boring, because when I read the essay prompt, I was expecting an example in which you went 'beyond what was defined'. You have not really done that in your written example. What you did was pretty much provide a solution.
I do not think youve answered the question. Definitely not an interesting and engaging way.
I would not say that it brings across your personal characteristics at all. Your essay is just so insipid due to the lack of personal narrative, description, details and personal discussion. What you do instead, is make a point and then make a new one. The overall tone however, is 'I did this. Then this. That happened. This happened'. There is no flavor or life to your essay in my opinion.
I read your essay and I thought it was quite boring, because when I read the essay prompt, I was expecting an example in which you went 'beyond what was defined'. You have not really done that in your written example. What you did was pretty much provide a solution.
Does my essay answer the question asked, and does it bring across my personal characteristics in an easy to understand manner? The business school is not looking for lessons learned in this essay, just the facts and my actions.
I do not think youve answered the question. Definitely not an interesting and engaging way.
I would not say that it brings across your personal characteristics at all. Your essay is just so insipid due to the lack of personal narrative, description, details and personal discussion. What you do instead, is make a point and then make a new one. The overall tone however, is 'I did this. Then this. That happened. This happened'. There is no flavor or life to your essay in my opinion.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]
It is alright, but it could do with more depth. It really could
It is alright, but it could do with more depth. It really could
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]
^That is very obvious
^The way you start this sentence off sounds childish, colloquial and informal
^The emoticon, the excessive use of commas that suggest you are talking like an excited child, and the numerous exclamation marks, all make this very informal.
I really feel that you adopted a very strongly childish approach to this essay. If I read this essay, and I may be applying to Stanford, (only applying there if I do not get in my Early program elsewhere. Fingers crossed that I do get in though and dont need to consider Stanford :P) I would think that I could not take you seriously at all
EDIT: Not that it would matter, since your room mate will never read this essay. Unless he/she asks for it, from you personally, just so that you guys can joke about what it was like applying to Stanford and what essays you used to get in.
BUT, I don't sleep early, so you can listen to music all you want to like 2 in the morning. I think you know the reason for not sleeping early, right? To study for tomorrow's test!"
^That is very obvious
By the way, I can speak and read Mandarin Chinese and Taiwanese really fluently and I can understand Spanish too.
^The way you start this sentence off sounds childish, colloquial and informal
It feels absolutely wonderful and refreshing. =D When I have time, I like to ball, all sorts of ball. Although I might not be the best at everything, I can do all sorts of sport. Seriously! My best ones are badminton and tennis. If you want, we can go exercise together!!"
^The emoticon, the excessive use of commas that suggest you are talking like an excited child, and the numerous exclamation marks, all make this very informal.
I really feel that you adopted a very strongly childish approach to this essay. If I read this essay, and I may be applying to Stanford, (only applying there if I do not get in my Early program elsewhere. Fingers crossed that I do get in though and dont need to consider Stanford :P) I would think that I could not take you seriously at all
EDIT: Not that it would matter, since your room mate will never read this essay. Unless he/she asks for it, from you personally, just so that you guys can joke about what it was like applying to Stanford and what essays you used to get in.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / the pediatric volunteer - Common App- Siginificant experience [7]
^Your use of the word 'aware' suggests your certainty, whereas your use of the word 'perhaps' does the exact opposite as it shows an element of uncertainty. Whilst I enjoy reading clever juxtapositions, this just does not make sense.
^I do not get this. You say that that it was monotonous, but then you start off the paragraph with something, the smell, that I presume was new to you at the time... I got confused after adding these two together, and your final sentence did not help either.
^With the bold part, have you never had patient interaction before. Because your earlier two paragraphs informed me that you had interacted with Miguel before..
In terms of what I have highlighted in Italics, whilst the spark and everything is fine, what I do not get is the formation of the bond. You guys played games before right? Did you guys not bond then? If not, then perhaps you should state earlier why not.
*...Given the context, I am not sure if using the word 'contagious' is sensitive. I hope other people will comment on it's appropriateness.
*How can some one else's confidence and hopefulness, make you realize you have what it takes to pursue...YOUR GOALS.??
^That simile does not work at all, and I assume it because you do not know what the meaning of the words you have used are.
That Wednesday afternoon, it felt like eternity had passed, but. finally the last bell rang and I rushed to my mom's car. The twenty five minute drive, although time-consuming, gave me time to reflect on my day and look forward to working at the hospital. My position as the pediatric volunteer was the most rewarding job ever.
But I was also aware that he was weak, perhaps, too weak.
^Your use of the word 'aware' suggests your certainty, whereas your use of the word 'perhaps' does the exact opposite as it shows an element of uncertainty. Whilst I enjoy reading clever juxtapositions, this just does not make sense.
I walked in through the double doors and immediately, the distinct smell besieged me. I took the elevator to the second floor, made two consecutive right turns, and arrived at the pediatrics department. It was my third week, and in all honesty, it was quite monotonous. I wasn't expecting anything different this time around, but I took a walk around the department anyways.
^I do not get this. You say that that it was monotonous, but then you start off the paragraph with something, the smell, that I presume was new to you at the time... I got confused after adding these two together, and your final sentence did not help either.
Room 290. That was the room Miguel was in when I first met him. He seemed so emaciated and withered that I it was difficult to notice the contour of his scrawny body, buried under the flannel blankets. I immediately assumed that he was far too ill to do anything fun, but. as I was about to close the door, I heard a meager voice, "Hey, do you want to play a board game with me?" I almost couldn't believe my ears-after the long and unexciting shift,I could finally get to know someone and have some patient interaction. That day, I stayed two hours over my shift time. Instantly, Miguel and I formed a bond. He had a spark to him, a vivacity of some sort which radiated to everyone around him. It was like he was oblivious to the fact that he was suffering through acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
^With the bold part, have you never had patient interaction before. Because your earlier two paragraphs informed me that you had interacted with Miguel before..
In terms of what I have highlighted in Italics, whilst the spark and everything is fine, what I do not get is the formation of the bond. You guys played games before right? Did you guys not bond then? If not, then perhaps you should state earlier why not.
Miguel is one of the reasons why I am so inspired me to enter the medical field. His positivity was contagious. His endless confidence and hopefulness made me realize that I have what it takes to pursue my goals. In addition, while spending hours in the hospital, I realized that this is where I belong; it is my niche, and I want to spend the rest of my life in this profession. I knew I had made a difference in Miguel's life and I wanted to continue doing that as a career.
*...Given the context, I am not sure if using the word 'contagious' is sensitive. I hope other people will comment on it's appropriateness.
*How can some one else's confidence and hopefulness, make you realize you have what it takes to pursue...YOUR GOALS.??
But my efforts were futile compared to his body's vulnerability. He was too sick to even get out of bed.
^That simile does not work at all, and I assume it because you do not know what the meaning of the words you have used are.
Liebe
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Don't just say it, do it", says my DAD; Person who had a significant influence on me [5]
Your grammar is in serious need of revision. Your punctuation and tenses, along with many other things, are incorrect. Because of the poor grammar, understanding the essay became a lot harder than it should have been, and should be.
Also, your means of expression are basic. From the looks of it, this essay definitely does not have a 'wow' factor to it. Please revise.
Your grammar is in serious need of revision. Your punctuation and tenses, along with many other things, are incorrect. Because of the poor grammar, understanding the essay became a lot harder than it should have been, and should be.
Also, your means of expression are basic. From the looks of it, this essay definitely does not have a 'wow' factor to it. Please revise.
Liebe
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [14]
^It can be, but not necessarily is. I think you can stick to your latest essay as it is.
Apparently, writing shorter is way much harder!!
^It can be, but not necessarily is. I think you can stick to your latest essay as it is.
Liebe
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]
Yea I thought that this essay still has a great deal of verbosity to it. Also, the beetle at the start was interesting, because I assumed that you would be going for an equally interesting analogy. Then when you introduced your mom, in the second paragraph, I knew where the essay was going. I skim read, and I was pretty much on target. So all of the stuff in the middle needs to either be revised or removed. Whilst I am not suggesting that you write any longer, what I am suggesting is that you make the essay less predictable. I read an essay similar to this before on this very site, therefore I kind of knew where it was going.
After a few weeks settling into my new state....
^If you remove that, the preceding sentence flows in with the next paragraph which is fine. This is all detail, and whilst well written, it's usefulness is subject to opinion.
By removing this, you are getting to the point, and avoiding the possibility of your essay getting skim read.
Yea I thought that this essay still has a great deal of verbosity to it. Also, the beetle at the start was interesting, because I assumed that you would be going for an equally interesting analogy. Then when you introduced your mom, in the second paragraph, I knew where the essay was going. I skim read, and I was pretty much on target. So all of the stuff in the middle needs to either be revised or removed. Whilst I am not suggesting that you write any longer, what I am suggesting is that you make the essay less predictable. I read an essay similar to this before on this very site, therefore I kind of knew where it was going.
^If you remove that, the preceding sentence flows in with the next paragraph which is fine. This is all detail, and whilst well written, it's usefulness is subject to opinion.
By removing this, you are getting to the point, and avoiding the possibility of your essay getting skim read.
Liebe
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]
As I clean up and unpack... totally different person.
^By removing this, youd get straight into the story. Also, I think that this opening paragraph of yours is quite ineffective, just because of the concept and the way in which the concept is expressed. Getting straight to the conversation should be more of an attention puller.
^I did not like the last line. I got the impression at least, that you stated that just so that you can present yourself as an assiduous academic. Then I thought, why the necessity to point it out, since it is already understood that Stanford's students typically are, already very academic. So I thought, that by mentioning how you love to study, is in effect, just trying to reassure your readers. Reassurance suggests that there is something wrong. Something wrong=something bad.
^This entire paragraph,firstly, can be broken down into smaller paragraphs. Secondly, the short sentence structure with barely any content makes it read as if you are just rambling on with excitement, yet not giving any important details. Also, the transition from this paragraph from the earlier one is quite poor, and I think that can be attributed to the sentence structure. Also, half way, you adopt an informal approach. This essay is in the format of writing to your room mate, but remember, the room mate will never read this.
I think that this overall paragraph is expressed in a childish manner. It does not show any maturity on your part. Revise.
^By removing this, youd get straight into the story. Also, I think that this opening paragraph of yours is quite ineffective, just because of the concept and the way in which the concept is expressed. Getting straight to the conversation should be more of an attention puller.
... BUT, I don't sleep early, so you can listen to music all you want to like 2 in the morning. I think you know the reason for not sleeping early, right? To study for tomorrow's test!
^I did not like the last line. I got the impression at least, that you stated that just so that you can present yourself as an assiduous academic. Then I thought, why the necessity to point it out, since it is already understood that Stanford's students typically are, already very academic. So I thought, that by mentioning how you love to study, is in effect, just trying to reassure your readers. Reassurance suggests that there is something wrong. Something wrong=something bad.
"I am really passionate about ... can go exercise together!!"
^This entire paragraph,firstly, can be broken down into smaller paragraphs. Secondly, the short sentence structure with barely any content makes it read as if you are just rambling on with excitement, yet not giving any important details. Also, the transition from this paragraph from the earlier one is quite poor, and I think that can be attributed to the sentence structure. Also, half way, you adopt an informal approach. This essay is in the format of writing to your room mate, but remember, the room mate will never read this.
I think that this overall paragraph is expressed in a childish manner. It does not show any maturity on your part. Revise.
Liebe
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / I hope to see hospitality industry in my motherland China thriving prosperously and being perfect [3]
Yea your writing style fades off from the very start actually. I attribute that mainly to your grammar. You need to consider revising your grammar because the frequent errors disrupt the reading flow and my understanding of the essay.
Simone's advice is the best to follow.
Work needs to be done for this essay, especially for an Ivy League like Cornell that receives so many applicants..like 30,000 plus.
Your essay needs to have somewhat of a bang, and it bored me from the first few words, and I blame that on your grammar and your means of expression. Fix that, and you should be fine.
Yea your writing style fades off from the very start actually. I attribute that mainly to your grammar. You need to consider revising your grammar because the frequent errors disrupt the reading flow and my understanding of the essay.
Simone's advice is the best to follow.
Work needs to be done for this essay, especially for an Ivy League like Cornell that receives so many applicants..like 30,000 plus.
Your essay needs to have somewhat of a bang, and it bored me from the first few words, and I blame that on your grammar and your means of expression. Fix that, and you should be fine.
Liebe
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]
^Or the police will be notified. My phone is always by my side.
3. If you refuse to provide feedback, and ignore the feedback you've been getting too, then you can expect many posts chastising your behavior.
^Or the police will be notified. My phone is always by my side.
Did i commit a crime.
Liebe
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]
^Well, your ending suggests that there is a lot more to yourself.
But I still think that the content can be improved to show the more important aspects of yourself. It is a different approach to the question, however it's effectiveness with Stanford's actual Admissions Committee is something that we will just have to wait and see. I personally did not like the approach however. I thought it looked like as if you were trying to be a bit, too bubbly, and I think that being too bubbly is directly linked with trying too hard to impress, something which 'unimpresses' me lol. But that is me.
^Well, your ending suggests that there is a lot more to yourself.
But I still think that the content can be improved to show the more important aspects of yourself. It is a different approach to the question, however it's effectiveness with Stanford's actual Admissions Committee is something that we will just have to wait and see. I personally did not like the approach however. I thought it looked like as if you were trying to be a bit, too bubbly, and I think that being too bubbly is directly linked with trying too hard to impress, something which 'unimpresses' me lol. But that is me.
Liebe
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]
^Good opening line. I presume it 'skittered'.
I at first did not get the key part. I assume it is because you had scratched your table/keyboard area with a key. If not, well eitherway, that sentence can be revised.
-The bug experiencing it's fluids leaking out....I thought it did not flow too well.
This essay seems to go on and on. The unclear shift in time from the beetle, to your flashbacks, to your sophomore year have confused me and to avoid a headache, I will stop reading. Remove unnecessary details and see if you can improve the time frame so that your essay flows better.
I crippled a tiny insect the other day. It was a small, mud-colored beetle skittering across the unforgiving terrain of my keyboard with surprising speed. I hit it once , withdrew my coiled magazine, and witnessed the crippled, tiny insect curl up inside the shallow cradle made by a key.
^Good opening line. I presume it 'skittered'.
I at first did not get the key part. I assume it is because you had scratched your table/keyboard area with a key. If not, well eitherway, that sentence can be revised.
-The bug experiencing it's fluids leaking out....I thought it did not flow too well.
This essay seems to go on and on. The unclear shift in time from the beetle, to your flashbacks, to your sophomore year have confused me and to avoid a headache, I will stop reading. Remove unnecessary details and see if you can improve the time frame so that your essay flows better.
Liebe
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'As I stood in the murky spotlight...' college application essay - over the word count limit [7]
^We have no idea what your essay is, what it discusses, and which parts are superfluous and can be removed. So unless you post an essay, it is actually IMPOSSIBLE for us to tell you which parts of your essay can do with removal since we do not know, anything, let alone a sentence, of your essay.
^We have no idea what your essay is, what it discusses, and which parts are superfluous and can be removed. So unless you post an essay, it is actually IMPOSSIBLE for us to tell you which parts of your essay can do with removal since we do not know, anything, let alone a sentence, of your essay.
Liebe
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]
^That is unusual. If we were sharing a room, and you were a neat freak, you would not mind if I left banana peels on the floor, and moldy pizza crusts on the floor. That would trouble, even people who are not neat freaks.
^First of all, you can break this into actual sentences.
Secondly, the gay marriage thing is rather controversial. Just because you may have been accepting of homosexuality, does not mean that all of your readers are, and their subjective views and bias can influence how they understand you and your essay.
^I can be. But I think that this essay needs enough revision as it is.
I am cleaning up the room first before anything happens, becauseh I am kind of a neat freak, but I have no problem if you are not."
^That is unusual. If we were sharing a room, and you were a neat freak, you would not mind if I left banana peels on the floor, and moldy pizza crusts on the floor. That would trouble, even people who are not neat freaks.
I am a Buddhist, but I am ... discussing this issue."
^First of all, you can break this into actual sentences.
Secondly, the gay marriage thing is rather controversial. Just because you may have been accepting of homosexuality, does not mean that all of your readers are, and their subjective views and bias can influence how they understand you and your essay.
As Harsh As Possible
^I can be. But I think that this essay needs enough revision as it is.
Liebe
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute; Spring Festival in China [5]
^The parallelism here is weak and affects the overall quality of the sentence. Revise.
^Good point. Although we as readers can understand that you are referring to the family you stayed with, perhaps you should specify who you asked, since that in effect would give more detail and life to the essay.
^Who is 'they'?
^Did you make dumplings with them before? If not, then be aware that this is what your sentence suggests.
^I do not get the bigger with meat and smaller with vegetables simile.
It may be a compliment to be compared with the image of strength and a group of alpha males/females, but it can be quite degrading to compare someone with a frail and small vegetable.
Also, I do not see how you can compare being forthright with being tender, and uninhibited with being discreet. Neither of these are comparable to each other.
Growing up from northeast of China, I am used to eating dumplings and finding out the coins in dumplings on Spring Festival Eve as a symbol of good wish.
^The parallelism here is weak and affects the overall quality of the sentence. Revise.
Since this is a new paragraph, I would specify who "we" is.
^Good point. Although we as readers can understand that you are referring to the family you stayed with, perhaps you should specify who you asked, since that in effect would give more detail and life to the essay.
I never thoughtknew that some Chinese familyies would not eat dumplings on the Spring Festival Eve until they told me it's not the tradition of people living in the south.
^Who is 'they'?
However, they told me they loved to make dumplings with me.
^Did you make dumplings with them before? If not, then be aware that this is what your sentence suggests.
Dumplings I made were bigger with more meat, they made smaller with more vegetables, just like people in the north are forthright and uninhibited, while people in the south are tender and discreet. Although they look different, even taste different, they together made a delicate dish.
^I do not get the bigger with meat and smaller with vegetables simile.
It may be a compliment to be compared with the image of strength and a group of alpha males/females, but it can be quite degrading to compare someone with a frail and small vegetable.
Also, I do not see how you can compare being forthright with being tender, and uninhibited with being discreet. Neither of these are comparable to each other.
Liebe
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [14]
^You barely knew of countries before. That just sounds ignorant on your part, but I guess overcoming ignorance is a big step. Which countries though, beacuse if it was Singapore, Turkey and England, you have not made that clear.
-By going to three countries, you made friends from all over? Sounds unlikely
-What do you define as an intellectual conversation?
-The sentence with 'audience' needs grammar revision.
-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?
^You barely knew of countries before. That just sounds ignorant on your part, but I guess overcoming ignorance is a big step. Which countries though, beacuse if it was Singapore, Turkey and England, you have not made that clear.
-By going to three countries, you made friends from all over? Sounds unlikely
-What do you define as an intellectual conversation?
-The sentence with 'audience' needs grammar revision.
-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?
Liebe
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Illinois Essays (academic interest, work experience, service) [4]
In Essay 1, you do not discuss what your academic interests are and why you are interested in that academic field. Instead, you show off a pretentious attitude that makes you think that you are really good, and that subjects like Physics only interest you because you are 'good' at it.
From your first essay, your overall writing style is very boring and insipid. It lacks flavor. What could have made up for it are a unique set of points, which you have failed to provide.
^It is not a unique sport. If it is internationally played, which I know it is, then it is definitely not unique.
I skim read the rest of your cricket essay and it too, lacked flavor. You just state, rather than narrate and discuss.
In Essay 1, you do not discuss what your academic interests are and why you are interested in that academic field. Instead, you show off a pretentious attitude that makes you think that you are really good, and that subjects like Physics only interest you because you are 'good' at it.
From your first essay, your overall writing style is very boring and insipid. It lacks flavor. What could have made up for it are a unique set of points, which you have failed to provide.
I play the unique sport of cricket, which is the internationally played sport that was introduced to be through my Indian cultural background.
^It is not a unique sport. If it is internationally played, which I know it is, then it is definitely not unique.
I skim read the rest of your cricket essay and it too, lacked flavor. You just state, rather than narrate and discuss.
Liebe
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]
^After that first sentence, it is not even clear that you are writing in a diary format/layout. That is why I questioned it in the first place. I did not know if it was for a diary like effect or not
Although the second part starts to fade away from the diary style.
^After that first sentence, it is not even clear that you are writing in a diary format/layout. That is why I questioned it in the first place. I did not know if it was for a diary like effect or not
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]
^I chose to ignore the inference part yesterday, because in all honesty, I thought Noto would be wrong. I thought it would be funny to wait, and see just how completely wrong Noto was. But man, I have got to say, seeing as how Noto is pretty much right on target..wait I am going to put this in bold..
Noto's inference skills is the most impressive thing I have seen on this site.
^Wow. Honestly. That is like, pure detective work there! Elite criminologist in the making.
Notoman - either you have incredible inference skills or I'm clueless about what my essay actually says. I am female and short, I do live in the Fairfax suburbs,and my dad does work for the government. It's amusing how I add in all that info without realizing it.
^I chose to ignore the inference part yesterday, because in all honesty, I thought Noto would be wrong. I thought it would be funny to wait, and see just how completely wrong Noto was. But man, I have got to say, seeing as how Noto is pretty much right on target..wait I am going to put this in bold..
Noto's inference skills is the most impressive thing I have seen on this site.
^Wow. Honestly. That is like, pure detective work there! Elite criminologist in the making.
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Employee Boss Relationship--- UC personal statment prompt #2 [9]
Sounds like a cool plan
Sounds like a cool plan
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Employee Boss Relationship--- UC personal statment prompt #2 [9]
^How can there be a wrong suggestion?
A suggestion is a suggestion, and it is up to the person who receives the suggestion to determine whether it is wrong or right. Also, on this site, if people disagree with your suggestions, people can, and will, comment and offer their opinions.
Now that you know, perhaps you can go back and give detailed suggestions, and make your feedback on other people's essays as detailed as the feedback you would like on your own.
I am sorry about that because I am afraid to give others wrong suggestions.
^How can there be a wrong suggestion?
A suggestion is a suggestion, and it is up to the person who receives the suggestion to determine whether it is wrong or right. Also, on this site, if people disagree with your suggestions, people can, and will, comment and offer their opinions.
Now that you know, perhaps you can go back and give detailed suggestions, and make your feedback on other people's essays as detailed as the feedback you would like on your own.
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Employee Boss Relationship--- UC personal statment prompt #2 [9]
If you want useful suggestions, then why don't you try and make some for some other people's essays instead.
Clearly, you disapprove of those meaningless five words with a few too many exclamation marks. Think what other people thought about your supposed 'feedback'.
If you want useful suggestions, then why don't you try and make some for some other people's essays instead.
Clearly, you disapprove of those meaningless five words with a few too many exclamation marks. Think what other people thought about your supposed 'feedback'.
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Employee Boss Relationship--- UC personal statment prompt #2 [9]
Good essay!!! I enjoy it!!!
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / What cannot be learnt from your other applications? - Yale Supplement Essay [4]
^Nope.
^I can not relate to any of this.
^That depends on your levels of emotional security.
Since when did lame dancers get poison darts? If that was the case, Id be dead by now.
^I think Yale knows what breakdancing is.
^This sentence suggests that all your proceeding statements would relate to yourself. Instead, your use of the pronoun 'you' suggests your readers instead
Ask a teenage boy what he fears most. It's not the dark closet in the guest room. It's not the huge Rottweiler next door. It's not the babysitter's cooking. What a teenage boy fears most is dancing with a girl.
^Nope.
Dancing can be a very awkward ritual to first-timers. You'll see all types of strange moves, most bearing the resemblance of a chicken running around without its head. When one is dancing one feels the scrutiny of peers.
^I can not relate to any of this.
When one is dancing one feels the scrutiny of peers. A small slip can result in poison darts, or worst: gossip.
^That depends on your levels of emotional security.
Since when did lame dancers get poison darts? If that was the case, Id be dead by now.
his is a dance named after the sound of crunching bones, the dislocation of joints, and cold mornings where you wake up sore and broken from the day before.
^I think Yale knows what breakdancing is.
What I've found in all my seventeen and a half years on Earth is that life is a little like breakdancing.
^This sentence suggests that all your proceeding statements would relate to yourself. Instead, your use of the pronoun 'you' suggests your readers instead
Liebe
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / "The #1 Bus Boy"-my work experience essay [7]
*Favor?
*I think it should be 'Thank you's. I really do not know how to punctuate that in plural form...
^I think it can remain AB & G, but there is no need for the speech marks.
*Your ending is fine, but I think that there is scope for a more powerful and effective final line.
I pace around through the restaurant, with my eyes keen and searching for the next plate to be cleared, table to be cleaned, or favor to be given. My hard work, focus, and desire to help customers and staff alike has resulted in extra tips in my pocket (a rarity among bus boys) , shorter waiting lists, a clean and organized workplace, and countless thank you's. For five hours I work quickly and swiftly, constantly striving to make the "AB&G" a clean place with excellent service, attitude, and cleanliness . My knees are weak and tired by the end of the night, but with that feeling I know I've made quite the difference.
*Favor?
*I think it should be 'Thank you's. I really do not know how to punctuate that in plural form...
I think "AB&G"
should be spelled out
should be spelled out
^I think it can remain AB & G, but there is no need for the speech marks.
*Your ending is fine, but I think that there is scope for a more powerful and effective final line.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]
^What one may find inspiring, may not be inspiring to you.
Would anybody possibly know of event, book, or artwork that would be inspiring?
^What one may find inspiring, may not be inspiring to you.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]
^Present tense.? Even though, it happened, more than a year ago in the past
^Since when was diversity restricted to cultures only? I think you should be more specific, and mention cultural diversity
I do not see why you would list countries from M to S. It suggests you have not met people from China, India, Africa etc, all of which can be found abroad in large populations.
How are these people all the same by the way? Intellectually? Culturally, lol?
That paragraph does need work. Grammar is so inconsistent and your points need clarification.
The rest needs work as well, but I can not review it now.
January 1st, 2008
I put on my American clothes, eat my American breakfast, and attend my American school, but I realize something is missing.
I put on my American clothes, eat my American breakfast, and attend my American school, but I realize something is missing.
^Present tense.? Even though, it happened, more than a year ago in the past
Being around the hundreds of different nationalities, languages, and cultures gives me a sense of multiculturalism/internationalism. Being here makes me feel a part of the world. I've made friendships with people from all corners of the world, from Montenegro to Singapore./I now have friendships not only in the USA, but also from all corners of the world, from Montenegro to Singapore. I am now a part of all the diversity I had been wanting to be a part of when I first enrolled in the exchange program. Behind all the flags, races, and languages are people who really are all the same.
^Since when was diversity restricted to cultures only? I think you should be more specific, and mention cultural diversity
I do not see why you would list countries from M to S. It suggests you have not met people from China, India, Africa etc, all of which can be found abroad in large populations.
How are these people all the same by the way? Intellectually? Culturally, lol?
That paragraph does need work. Grammar is so inconsistent and your points need clarification.
The rest needs work as well, but I can not review it now.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Psychology Interest [6]
^I did not comment because it was quite frankly, a 'no comment' introduction.
It is just boring, and common. Remove it in it's entirety and think of a better way to start your essay. Be direct. Be informative. But never. Never be lame and boring.
^Ok, but all of that has no relevance to your academic interests. There can be a link between this and psychology, I am not denying it. But from what you have provided, you are just rambling off topic.
My next sentence, is very important, and I will have it highlighted in bold
DISCUSS YOUR ACADEMIC INTERESTS AS INSTRUCTED BY THE ESSAY PROMPT.
You commented a bit on the rest, but did not mention anything for the intro.
^I did not comment because it was quite frankly, a 'no comment' introduction.
It is just boring, and common. Remove it in it's entirety and think of a better way to start your essay. Be direct. Be informative. But never. Never be lame and boring.
Also, the "captivated me and fueled my insatiable curiosity. I was in an environment where I could observe and interact with a good representation of people from all sorts of different backgrounds." was supposed to have a period
^Ok, but all of that has no relevance to your academic interests. There can be a link between this and psychology, I am not denying it. But from what you have provided, you are just rambling off topic.
My next sentence, is very important, and I will have it highlighted in bold
DISCUSS YOUR ACADEMIC INTERESTS AS INSTRUCTED BY THE ESSAY PROMPT.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Influential person for Common Apps-my boyfriend [12]
^It sounds like a horrible idea in fact, seeing as how the essay prompt asks for 'a' influential person.
Not sure what you mean by this but writing an essay on 3 different people does not sound like a good idea.
^It sounds like a horrible idea in fact, seeing as how the essay prompt asks for 'a' influential person.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]
Yes, I already dialed 911.
^I do not know about everyone else, but I do not help criminals.
^That just begs me to make more jokes, but I will stop.
Seeing as how I do not want to make jokes with criminals.
Did i commit a crime.
Yes, I already dialed 911.
We can only give you the same advice if you refuse to change your essay according to our suggestions. Starting a new thread is not going to get you more attention in terms of advice.
^I do not know about everyone else, but I do not help criminals.
I just wanted advice.
^That just begs me to make more jokes, but I will stop.
Seeing as how I do not want to make jokes with criminals.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]
^O. Clearly I misunderstood. Oops, my bad. I should have realized that is what you meant!
Well, that is 100 dollars that went down the drain that you will never get back, but made me 100 dollars richer.
I just noticed your new tagline, Liebe. "I rock?" Didn't you mean to say, "Noto rocks?" Are you sure? When I sent you that hundred bucks to say that "I rock," I meant for you to say that I rock.
^O. Clearly I misunderstood. Oops, my bad. I should have realized that is what you meant!
Well, that is 100 dollars that went down the drain that you will never get back, but made me 100 dollars richer.
Liebe
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]
^I think 'Other' would be best.
Margarita, think of all the imaginative and creative titles you can come up with for this kind of an essay man!
I don't think it is really needed though. I would think that either "significant experience" or "other" would work for this essay ... it depends on what else you have.
^I think 'Other' would be best.
Margarita, think of all the imaginative and creative titles you can come up with for this kind of an essay man!
