Scholarship / Scholarship essay, person I admire (my dead Uncle) [6]

You've pretty much answered your own question, there. The prompt is about someone you admire. Of course, you can admire someone without necessarily wanting to be like them in every way. For instance, it is possible to admire Tiger Woods because he plays golf extraordinarily well, yet not want to be a golfer yourself. However, you might still want to develop the same level of dedication and skill directed toward another goal. If you admire your cousin in this way, then you could still use him. If you hate and loathe your cousin, though, and strive to be different in every way, then you will be off-topic if you write about him.

Of course, you might dislike your cousin intensely, yet still be able to find admirable qualities in him. This might allow you to approach the topic in an innovative way. "Most people think of people they admire as being role models and heroes. But I have always believed you can find the good, something admirable, in anyone, even in those you hate . . ." And go from there.

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

Yes, if you can make the hook relevant, through spin and some logical leaps, then you can get away with it. As long as the reader doesn't feel that he's been tricked by the end.

Writing Feedback / If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes [7]

The grammar here needs quite a bit of work. For some of the sentences, it is difficult to suggest a fix because it is not clear what exactly you are trying to say. For instance:

"with we are not safety as before, instead of dangerous in our mind" What exactly do you mean here? The obvious gloss would be "We are not as safe as before, and so feel less safe psychologically," but that is really just a guess.

To improve, start by studying the basic parts of speech (nouns, verbs, prepositions, etc) and how they fit together. For instance "the successful of communication" is grammatically unsound because it has an article that applies to no noun.

It is difficult to give more detailed advice, because I don't know what your first language is, and it makes a difference. Going from French to English is easier, and requires a different approach, than going from German to English, which is again still easier, and requires a different approach, than going from Chines to English. And so on.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay, person I admire (my dead Uncle) [6]

Well, you could certainly use your dead uncle if you wanted to. The prompt doesn't say you have to personally know the individual you write about, only that you have to admire him. So, if you admire your uncle, he's fair game. You might want to refer to him somewhat more tactfully, though. "My dead uncle," while factually accurate, is a bit more, um, bluntly stated than would be usual in this sort of essay.

If you would rather go with someone living, you could use examples of local celebrities, or even nationally or internationally famous people. Try to avoid people who are likely to have been chosen by a large number of other applicants, though. So, no Obama, MLK, Mother Theresa, and so on. You want to stand out a bit.

Creative is good. That goes along with the standing out bit I just mentioned. On the other hand, the more creative you get, the more you risk doing something that confuses (or worse, offends) the reader, so if the scholarship is very important to you, you might prefer to take a slightly safer, more conventional approach. Really, that's up to you.

Whatever you write on, and however you start, good luck. Post your draft here when you have one for more feedback.

Essays / The Significance of Setting in "Roselily" by Alice Walker [6]

I did assume that you had a certain familiarity with the concept of setting, but if you are new to the analysis of literature, then Kevin is right -- you need to get a hold of the key concept before you try writing about it.

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

The only problem with having an interesting but irrelevant hook is that the reader might rapidly lose interest with the segue. Imagine an essay that began "Sex and drugs make life more enjoyable. Now that I have your attention, let me tell you about the time my puppy died." The reader is apt to be confused, and disappointed that the interesting topic that the author promised to talk about is not going to be discussed.

Book Reports / The Pearl Johnsteinbeck (thesis statement) [9]

Really, you should probably pick one of the three themes, then write solely about that. If you insist on trying to cram all three into a single essay, though, ask yourself what connects them to each other. Your answer will be something very much like a thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / Domestic Abuse (persuasive essay) [3]

"Everyone says that there are too many law enforcement officers," Everyone? Really? No one at all is calling for more police officers to be hired anywhere in America? (Hint: these are rhetorical questions. A large segment of the public, generally those who self-identify as conservative, tends to generally favor strong police forces.)

"This visual shows a teenager that is a high school football player, it also shows that he is a gang member. This is one of the finger signs of a gang member, is he an innocent victim or an undercover gang?" With the "this visual" thing, which you use again later, will there actually be visual aids as part of a presentation? If not, this is confusing. Also, the two visuals seem to have nothing to do with domestic abuse, per se.

What exactly is your argument? You say that we need more police officers, but also that the punishment for domestic abuse isn't strong enough. These could both be true, but you present them together, as if they were both part of the same argument rather than two separate arguments. If the punishment for domestic abuse is too light to be an effective deterrent, then having more police officers won't help. If the punishment is increased, but police don't have the resources to prosecute domestic abusers, then that won't help either. So, you can argue that we need to both increase the number of police officers and the severity of sentences, but you have to say this, instead of leaving it for the reader to figure out.

Also, you might want to deal with some of the other reasons domestic abuse cases are problematic for police. For instance:

In the event of non-physical, non-sexual abuse, most of the behavior that qualifies is verbal, and not even considered illegal.

Even many acts of physical or sexual abuse leave little trace evidence. Those attacks that do leave obvious bruising/tearing/scarring tend to occur in the home, with no witnesses. This means that many abuse cases come down to he said/she said affairs in court, with the victim's word pitted against that of the accused. Given that our legal system assumes the accused (in any crime) is innocent until proven guilty, this makes abuse case difficult to prosecute, especially if there is little or no physical evidence of abuse.

In many cases of physical abuse, the victim will not agree to testify against her abuser, or will back out afterwards, either because she believes her abuser will change, or because she is still emotionally in thrall to her abuser, or because she is reliant on her abuser for financial support, or for some combination of these reasons.

Police hate dealing with domestic abuse calls, because, especially in cases of spousal abuse, the victim (usually the wife) may well turn on the police as soon as they attempt to restrain her husband / boyfriend.

Finally, with the exception of child abuse, it is difficult for most people to understand why someone in an abusive domestic relationship would not leave the person who was abusing them. This influences the other problems listed above. For instance, a man who is brought to court is accused by his wife of abusing her for a period of twenty years. She has some photos of bruising as evidence, but there are no witnesses to any of the attacks, and no record of injuries requiring hospitalization. The husband calls several character witnesses in his defense, and claims that his wife is alleging abuse with a view to winning a more favorable divorce settlement. It would be difficult enough for the prosecution to win such a case, but the defense also has the powerful counter -- "well, if he was such an abusive monster, why did his wife stay with him for twenty years?"

Hmmmm . . . this post is getting longer than I intended. However, you get the point -- there are many, many reasons why domestic abuse remains a serious social problem, and your essay needs to deal with more of them than it currently does if it is to be effective.

Graduate / Why our MBA program ? Why Now ? [4]

Overall a very well-written and coherent essay. It seems to run a bit long, though, by which I mean it begins to drag after a while. Try to tighten up the style a bit by cutting out unnecessary words, phrases, and details. For example:

"Now, nearly six years later, I find myself at the heart of an industry that requires me to think not just "big," but quite literally on a global scale."

"Now, I find myself at the heart of an industry that requires me to think on a global scale."

"In the coming months, contingent on my matriculation into business school, I will be promoted to the position of District Manager for Southern California, a move that will increase my responsibilities tremendously."

"In the coming months, contingent on my matriculation into business school, I will be promoted to District Manager for Southern California, increasing my responsibilities tremendously."

"Over the following three to five years post-MBA, I hope to attain the position of Vice President of SALES & Marketing, leading our sales team to maintain and improve our strategic position in the global market."

"After completing my MBA, I hope to lead our sales team to maintain and improve our strategic position in the global market as Vice President of Sales & Marketing."

Graduate / Business Aspirations -- Katz Admission essay, Pitt [6]

All of the below seems a tad off topic. It is interesting and well-written, but it doesn't really have to do that much with the prompt:

"It was when my landlord came the last time to replace my hot water heater, and after 3 days of cold showers, that I knew I was ready to own my own home. I had been following the decline of the housing market and decided to capitalize on the current conditions. I only had 3 months until my lease was up, so I knew my time was running out fast. I contacted a family friend who was a realtor and began my search. Surprisingly I found a very nice place in only 2 months, and on April 25'Th 2008 I became a home owner.

I confidently signed all of my closing papers, and knew that I was going to be better off for this decision, and I was right. Although not every experience in my house has been a success, I have learned a great deal along the way, and now have a great sense of pride as a home owner. After voting at my new polling location and attending the Monroeville Community days I felt like I was a part of the community."

Perhaps you could condense or omit some or all of this?

Research Papers / Research paper on Commercials on TV (ideas). [12]

How long does the essay have to be? What class is it for? What level of school? The answers to these questions might bear on your choice of topic. Apart from that, you might want to look at the ways in which commercials are designed to influence people; how they can use misleading claims without engaging in outright fraud; how that line is drawn, legally speaking; how the images they present influence social norms and expectations, etc.

Undergraduate / Short answer for CommonApp (the Art of Observing) [5]

Some more suggestions:

"the Canon A560 I have, though, has become familiar to me"

"it turns out to be harder to click the button when the bad-side of life appears in front of me. I realize that photographing them is not the only thing I want to do. I want to change them, to reverse them, to erase the evilness of humans out of my pictures." An admirable sentiment. However, I'm not sure that photoshopping the images is the best way of dealing with the problem, which presumably is more than merely an aesthetic one. Perhaps you are also inspired to engage in community service?

"17 years to almost observe rightly, I hardly know what my research of life will blossom into" The first part of this sentence doesn't make sense grammatically with the main clause. Revise.

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

Yes. You can start with a sentence that is irrelevant to your topic and uninteresting to your readers. That would be the wrong way to start a narrative essay. The right way, unsurprisingly, would involve starting with a strong opening sentence that captures the reader's attention, and, preferably, that also sets up the main theme of your essay. There is no reason, however, why a question could not do both of these things.

Scholarship / Short write-up on internship application Qn [7]

Excellent. That solves the problem quite nicely.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Don't forget, too, that whatever thesis you pick, you have to be able to make a strong argument for it. So, you might want to research global warming a bit to see what evidence there is that it is occurring and that man-made CO2 emissions are responsible. You might also look at articles discussing the costs that would be involved in adapting to global warming and the costs that would be involved in slowing or preventing it. And, of course, there are technological solutions, too (geo-engineering through iron fertilization would be one of the more viable alternatives). If you have no strong opinion yourself either way, your ability to find sources will probably dictate what you write about. So, if you find five website in your initial search that all talk about how global warming is exaggerated or a hoax, you'd write on how the problem is exaggerated or a hoax. If you found five websites that all talked about how serious a problem it is, then you'd write about that.

Note that the ease with which you find sources online has nothing to do with how strong or valid the argument for a given position actually is. Web site search engines list the most popular and the newest sites first, without regard to their content. However, if you have no particular opinion on the issue, then there is no reason not to go with the position that is easier for you to find information for.

On the other hand, if you have the time, you might want to consider writing from a position that you strongly disagree with. Being able to argue your opponent's point of view well is a valuable skill that ultimately strengthens your ability to present your own case, while ensuring that your case is more likely to be right.

Essays / The Significance of Setting in "Roselily" by Alice Walker [6]

Well, if you are concerned with narrowing the paper down, start by writing a detailed list of the various aspects of setting -- details of both place and time -- and then ask yourself how they all work together to create a mood or to develop a theme. The answer to that question becomes your thesis statement, and the details your supporting evidence, giving you a fairly focused outline to work from.

Writing Feedback / Essay on describing a scene in my life (that last time i saw my friends) [7]

Could be good. You have some nice, specific details, and a solid theme centered around the power and importance of friendship. It will be interesting to read your first draft to see how you work the theme out in full.

Grammar, Usage / Persuasive Essay - the conclusion paragraph question. [3]

Depends. You can spend the conclusion synthesizing the information you have presented in your essay, concluding with a reiteration of what you have proved (your thesis statement), or you can restate your thesis at the beginning and then move on to talk about the larger significance of your point.

Scholarship / Short write-up on internship application Qn [7]

Having read Kevin's comment, I realize that your opening sentence could in fact be quite confusing, because it raises the question of "identification with what?" You could get around this by adding a few words to the sentence just after the word "identification" in which you answer that question.

Essays / COMPARISON AND CONTRAST PARAGRAPH - Savannah GA vs Roanoke AL [10]

Based on the details you give at the moment, your implicit thesis is that Roanoke is a better place to live than Savannah. Perhaps you should make that thesis explicit. Then your details will serve a larger purpose, which will lend them interest.

Undergraduate / U Michigan Setback essay ("departed from high school since graduation") [8]

Kevin did a really thorough job of going through your essay, but here a few more fixes you could make:

"I arranged a schedule that detailed my day from morning to night, including the "classes" I took every day, "

"By resisting doubts from my relatives and persisting in my path of studying English, I found my learning process had become more efficient, and that I could learn what I most need to improve."

"I will no more fear loneliness, but to continue this journey in the next six months to practice my English"

Undergraduate / 'System and education of Germany' - Essay for ohio state university [8]

That happens to you too? You start editing something for grammar, then realize there's not much point, since the content has to be rewritten anyway? I make it rule now to always read through for content fixes first, but it is so easy to start picking up on grammar mistakes, especially if there are a lot of them.

Undergraduate / "How are you doing Mr. Salac?"; Person who Influenced Me [6]

Well, if you post your draft for that essay as soon as you have it, perhaps we can give you some more pointers.

Undergraduate / 'I became a quadriplegic and now must get around in a motorized wheelchair' - "Why attend NYFA?" [10]

I think you're pretty much done. A couple of very minor grammatical points:

"how society ignores not only the needs of the handicapped persons needs "

"I want to make people think about this and change society's perspective"

Undergraduate / the passion for mathematics and sciences - U of I admission essay [5]

The first paragraph, in which you talk about always asking "why," would seem to indicate that you could turn this into an essay about your quality of curiosity.

Alternatively, you could revise the essay to focus more on being "patient, understanding, polite, and most importantly, a great listener."

Probably, whatever approach you ultimately take, you will find it easier to simply write a new essay from scratch. It takes far more time to rewrite an existing essay to fit a new topic than it does to write a new one specifically designed to meet that topic, especially when the essay only has to be 250 words.

Undergraduate / About My thesis statement!(USC TRANSFER) [4]

You could go with

"My greatest passion is my passion for success."

or simply

"I am most passionate about success."

which eliminates the double use of the word "passion."

Kevin is right, though, you need to be more specific. It seem likely that no one is passionate about failure, and that in some way all passions involve someone trying to succeed at something, so your sentence doesn't tell us all that much.

Undergraduate / "How are you doing Mr. Salac?"; Person who Influenced Me [6]

Overall a decent essay. A couple of suggestions:

"The list and random questions were my patients' conditions and their medications. " Then the questions weren't random, then, were they? Perhaps you should describe them some other way.

"Sometimes we don't need a push from someone to help us get through obstacles, but instead, we need that little pull as a form of resistance to challenge us even more."

I love what you are trying to do with the last sentence. I'm not convinced it actually works, mostly because the guy you are talking about could be described as giving you a metaphorical push, so the distinction you are trying to make between push and pull doesn't actually exist in this case, which is weakness in the metaphor.

Essays / An argumentative essay on Louis Riel: hero or villain? [11]

But don't forget that you'll need a thesis, which will probably involve judging whether he was more hero than villain or vice-versa. So, you will have to ask yourself if his work as a crusader for Metis rights justified or balanced out his violent acts against the government and its supporters. If so, then you would likely conclude that he was, all things considered, a hero. But if you don't believe that the ends justify the means (either in this particular case, or because you believe that the ends can never justify the means) then you would have to conclude that he was a villain. Either way, you should end up with an interesting essay.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to change careers? Medical Research to Nursing [3]

I'd say this still needs some revision, mostly to smooth out the flow of ideas.

"I feel as though I am not changing. . . . it is evident that my career is slightly shifting paths and the focus is changing." This makes no sense. You can say you don't feel as if the change is major, or that you feel as if the change is merely a natural part of your career path, but what you have written at the moment is contradictory.

Your second paragraph is composed of many interesting sentences, but none of them really relate to each other. Perhaps you could find some way of connecting your ideas in a logically coherent way, to make it easier for the reader to follow your train of thought.

Good luck crafting your next draft.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Your thesis should be more specific than it currently is. Examples of good thesis statements about global warming would include the following:

1. Man-made CO2 emissions must be reduced by at least 80% by 2020 if we are to avert a global warming disaster.

2. Global warming is increasing the frequency and intensity of tropical storms.

3. Global warming is primarily a beneficial natural phenomenon that should not concern us.

4. A rational cost-benefit analysis of most global warming scenarios indicates that it would be cheaper and more effective to prepare to adapt to a warmer climate than it would be to try to prevent global warming.

Merely saying that it is "a big issue," and that it "has effects on the environment" is not enough. Saying the results would be catastrophic is a bit better, but still a bit vague. Plus, it smacks of hyperbole.

Note that the fact that someone could disagree with your thesis does not make it a bad one to write on. On the contrary, a good thesis should provoke strong disagreement from at least some quarters. That is, it should be debatable. "Water freezes at zero degrees Celsius under normal conditions" is perfectly true, but not a good thesis, because it is a fact that no one would seriously considering arguing against. All of the theses I've listed above could be the basis for a strong essay, because it would be possible to argue for or against them. I imagine Rich would disagree with 1 and 2, for instance, but he might accept either 3 or 4. No one could logically agree with all of them simultaneously.

Good luck with your essay.

Graduate / Temple Doctoral PhD Program App; Statement of Goals [3]

This is a pretty strong essay already. You might want to tone down on your use of "I believe" in the last two paragraphs, though. It is your essay, after all, so we assume the opinions and beliefs expressed therein are your own, unless stated otherwise.

Undergraduate / BYU-What sets you apart from other applicants on unique life experience [4]

"I stopped going out with my friends . . . . today I have friends who trust me" Perhaps you want to alter or add details to avoid the logical inconsistency this creates.

Undergraduate / 'I became a quadriplegic and now must get around in a motorized wheelchair' - "Why attend NYFA?" [10]

This new draft is much stronger. The obvious way to conclude would be to tie the article back to why you want to attend NYFA, which is after all the topic you are writing about. Post the full draft once you have it finished for further feedback.

Undergraduate / 'System and education of Germany' - Essay for ohio state university [8]

This is more of a comparison and contrast essay between the U.S. and Germany. You need to focus the essay more in order to fully answer the prompt: "Select a country and describe a policy, approach, or philosophy that might make that country a model for us to seriously

consider in the United States. What would it take for this idea to work in the U.S.?" So, do you think the parlimentary system is better than the U.S. one? Or that the health care system is better in Germany than in the U.S.? Either way, find ONE policy that you think is better in Germany than in the U.S., and explain why, and how the system would have to be adapted to be successful in the U.S., given differences in geography and demographics.

Undergraduate / "conflicting cultures" - COLUMBIA ADMISSION ESSAY [9]

A really well-written essay. The opening line does need a bit of work, though. When using a metaphor, you have to think through all of the implications. The one you have used implies all of the following:

1. You are broken
2. You are incomplete
3. You are out of place
4. You are potentially dangerous
5. You should be swept up and thrown out

Okay, the fifth one's a stretch. My point is, the implications are all negative, which is not a great idea in an application essay. Could you maybe think of a metaphor that would have more positive spin to it. For instance, "I am one of a million seeds that has been picked up and scattered by the winds of history." You can probably do better with a bit of though, but you get the idea. This metaphor implies that you are part of an extended living tree, that you have the potential to grow and flourish in foreign soil or native, etc.

Research Papers / Research based article - annotated bibliography, how to organize it [4]

Not bad. Some suggestions for improvement:

"The study indicated that although participating facilities wanted to reduce the use of restraints, they were still beingwidely used in all three facilities."

"Staff reported more barriers than residents or family members."

"why nurses are using restraints although the evidence proves contrary" The evidence proves what to the contrary? It proves they are not using them? Or that using them is ineffective? Or that using them is unnecessary?

"It let me analyze if nursing is an evidence based practice then why nurses practice conflicting care, it gave me a different perspective on why nurses not so much ignore the evidence but rather have limitations that further prevent them from putting this evidence into practice." Try rewriting this sentence to conform with the rules of English grammar.

Writing Feedback / Grammar check for AOI paper (political struggles in history) [3]

Overall a good job. Some minor fixes, in addition to Kevin's:

"In addition to that I have traveled to the Republic of Ireland many times since I was 2 years old "

"The conflict in Ireland was virtually caused because of the Catholic-Irish and the Protestant-British settlers and their supporters in England and Scotland"

"it reiterated till 1851 in a vast extent and because the Irish ate mainly potatoes the disease had those terrible consequences." This sentence is awkward. Rephrase.

Writing Feedback / Education Through My Eyes [4]

Overall a strong essay. You might want to focus a bit less on the problems you faced (not a lot less, just condense some of the events that sort of overlap anyway) in order to talk more about your backup plans and what you've learned from your experiences, just to make sure you emphasize the positive changes as much as the negative disruptions to your past education.

You might also want to consider shortening your concluding sentence: "I must put it first in priority and sacrifice spending time with my family and put work second to my education because I seek a better education to get a better career and be able to provide a better life for my family." This is a bit repetitive, and you should probably end on a more concise, punchy, memorable note.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'the things are simple' - Childhood is the happiest time of people's life [3]

You may want to add more depth to your essay by considering the different types of childhood a person may experience. For instance, some people grow up in poverty, or with abuse. Other people grow up in a loving, nurturing household. This might affect how people think about their childhood.

Graduate / Masters of Advertising - I want turn my passion about advertising into a career, not a just a job [5]

You seem to be on the right track. You may want to talk a bit more about how you hope the particular university you are applying to will help you achieve your goals. Also, the grammar could use some tweaking, as in the examples below:

"My second goal is to develop into grow into more conceptual thinker"

"Moreover, mixing a traditional campaign with and non- traditional elements can be a creativecreate different approach to advertising needs"

"I will gain the skills I need that will lead to accomplish this"

"Mrs. Lazarus spoke about how reaching consumers has is getting hard because of the deluge of advertising"