Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]


- Nicole, this is too blunt. You need an introduction. We need to know how you met this person and why he would have such an influence on you. What were the things you discussed in the past? Surely it was not this curt and unappealing. Where is the excitement of Iker when talking about Rice? His happiness at being at Rice should have been infectious for you which is why you were influenced to look deeper into Rice in the first place. Show us the basis of the friendship and the development of his influence on your decision to look into Rice as a potential university for you. That will help show the kind of motivated students Rice has enrolled at the moment who can influence others into considering their school for their own higher studies :-)

Undergraduate / Patience, dedication and motivation are three traits I stand by. [5]

Chelsea, this is a supposed to be a story central to your identity. The problem, is that you spend too much time talking about the identity of your parents instead of your own. You should focus the whole essay on the Habitat for Humanity Restore program instead and then relate it in some way to the story of your parents if it is possible. That way you change the focus of the essay from being about your parents and their struggles in Vietnam to you and how your own future is affected by their past. Your parent's have an admirable story of survival but, it is not your story, so it should only be mentioned or skimmed over. It should not take a large part of the essay as it is now. Develop your story with Habitat and then mention your parents struggle in your reflection about how lucky you are. That should work better in answering the prompt while retaining most of the existing information from the first version of your essay.

Undergraduate / It was supposed to be a calm evening. Nightmare in Yosemite. [5]

Bob, reading your essay, I cannot help, in the mindset of the admissions officer, but wonder if you had just made up the story. There is no way you could have survived a bobcat attack or any attack in the forest unscathed. You would have had at least had some bruising and minor injuries from the brawl with such an animal. It is important that you be truthful in your essay. Can't you relate a story that is closer to the truth in your life? This sounds like a scene right out of a Hollywood movie. It is too unrealistic. Isn't there a moment in your life when your parents left you in charge of yourself? This could be something as simple as staying alone for the weekend at the family home, taking care of a younger sibling, or even taking a trip without your parents for the first time. You need to present an essay that does not sound fictional. You need to represent yourself truthfully in what is your preliminary interview with the admissions officer, who can tell if you are making up a story to impress him or her from a mile away. That won't work, it won't serve the purpose of the essay prompt. Please revise the essay and see if you can do something to make it more believable and real. Talk about you, not Indiana Jones :-)

Undergraduate / Film photography feels like my own; it gives me ability to explore unknown things, even the dead now [3]


- Lauren, personalize this line in order to let the reader know that you are talking about your experience from the very start. use the word I and restate the part of the sentence this way; "between the moment I pressed the button and when I finally the prints..."


- This can be developed as a separate paragraph that allows you to explain the way digital photography is less personalized than traditional film photography. You can explain the sense of personalization with every frame shot because you had to manually set the exposure, lighting, flash, focus, speed, and distance. I am a traditional photography hobbyist myself so I know that these are things one does not experience with digital shots. Sure you set the same things, but knowing you can alter it later in the computer before printing leaves a less personalized touch on the photos don't you think? That sentiment should be reflected in the essay.

Overall, the message of your essay is solid and is something that is truly interesting to read about. Film photography is practically a dead field since most people use digital cameras these days. The fact that you are trying to be a purist photographer is something that should impress the reader very well :-)

Undergraduate / The word "Ethiopian" over the years have been manipulated to mean so many things nowadays [6]

Mismak, it is important that your essay center on only one given theme instead of the two themes that you have running here. The first theme that you have revolves around racial discrimination since you talk at great length about the hardships and negative treatment that you get from your classmates, friends, and teachers because of the concept that they have in their minds about Ethopians. This is better known as racial discrimination. Then you have the other theme, the story central to your identity and the development of your desire to become an educator. The story of the respect that Ethopians have for their elders and educators.

Of the two themes, I believe that the second theme, respect for their educators, is the more important and central story that you should be telling the admissions officer about because it is truly a part of your culture and tradition as an Ethopian that is central to your identity as a person and citizen of Ethopia. It is something that is little known in the Western world and should therefore be brought to light by discussing it in your essay.

Sure there are grammatical errors that can be corrected in order to make the essay smoother and more grammatically correct. However, I would rather that you concentrate on telling the story you have to tell the admissions officer before we make any grammatical changes so that we can save you some editing movements. I hope you can revise the essay by centering it around the theme of respect for educators soon. I believe this is central to your story because you wish to become an educator in the future. So it directly relates to your academic plans and other essay prompts.

Undergraduate / "Oh, those kids always misbehave. They're really obnoxious" - MSU essay [4]

You can use the quote to kick off your essay. I would suggest making that the introduction to the group and then follow it up with your point of view about them during that first time that you saw them. Tell us what you observed about them. Their membership (multiracial or whatever), their activities, and how the other people at the school, from the security team, professors, and other students viewed them. This will set the platform for the collective opinion that people may have had about the group and allow the essay to progress with either agreeing, or disagreeing with the public opinion depending upon how your relationship with them progressed. The introduction will also give the reader an overview of what information the rest of your essay will contain and how it will relate to that quote that you presented at the start. I hope you can post the continuation soon :-) I am looking forward to assisting you with it.

Undergraduate / This journey isn't a simple road trip that you sometimes get lost in - UF APPLICATION [5]

Caroline, this is a better take, but still, it has superficial undertones and shows only a common understanding of the essay prompt. You need to delve deeper into yourself in order to properly respond to this prompt. It is not about travel or material things, or even the existence of your good fortune, the good life you are being asked about is an abstract understanding of the term. Taken from your actual experience in life in comparison to the world around you. If you were to continue developing this essay using the information you have provided in the revised essay, I would ask you to consider the world travels that you have had and reflect upon the experience of mingling with people of different countries. What did you learn about the good life from them? From the way you engaged with them and the way they treated you, the good and bad experiences you had with them, all could help to define the good life based upon your travels. How about trying to incorporate that point of view into the next version of your essay? We are building the draft versions of your essay at the moment, slowly, it will come into its final form. I hope you can bear with me while I try to help you achieve that :-)

Research Papers / Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello [7]

Chelsea, I believe that you should concentrate on the "You will play the cello" part of the story because it encompasses everything from racial discrimination, stereotyping, wanting to break out of a mold, and discovering who you are. Students who play a musical instrument in grade and high school have enough teasing and prejudices to deal with and by including the racial part of it, you will be able to present a new take on what should have been an old story. You make yourself stand out by telling that story because you had to overcome more than just racial stereotyping and you were able to prove to your peers that you could be more than what society said you should be. As such, the essay carries the true essence of finding yourself in a multiracial world and accepting that it is because of who you are, a unique individual, that you will have to continue to overcome other people's opinions of you, and still be comfortable with whom you know you are :-)

Undergraduate / Graduates from the University of Michigan have at least one job offer before they finish their study [2]

Claire, your essay is currently cluttered with half developed reasons for wanting to transfer to the University of Michigan. Not all of your reasons can be considered valid because they are too generalized in reasoning such as


. It is my belief that since you are transferring from one university to another because of academic reasons, you should highlight that point in your essay. You also mentioned that you are taking a business degree which should help you further highlight the reasons for wanting to transfer. Say something about the limited academic and program training for business majors at Adrian College. Then talk about the business courses and programs at University of Michigan that made you very keen about transferring. Make a specific mention of how these programs will help you advance your career in the future. Don't concentrate so much on the social aspect of the transfer because these social activities are not a part of the main reason or consideration for your transfer :-) Build instead upon your desire for a stronger academic and internship background as a business major.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

You can still talk about how your love for engineering developed. You just need to slide it down to the next few paragraphs instead of placing it at the top. Besides, the general prompt asks you why you want to study engineering, not why you love engineering. When answering common or general prompts, it is always best to just answer the question being asked instead of trying to throw in a tremendous amount of irrelevant information that the admissions officer can discover through your other common app essays. In this case, concentrate, don't deviate. Don't offer answers to questions that are not being asked. Just discuss why you want to study engineering. If you want to study it because you love it, then discuss how that love developed in relation to your interest in engineering.

Listen, I can understand that you want to write a single generic essay that will answer all of the possible questions that a university can ask of their applicants. That is not how a college application works. Expect to write at least 3 different essays based upon specific questions that the university will provide, which they feel is relevant to your application. Trying to jump the gun and override their questions will not work because you end up with overly long, wordy, and not really informative essays in the process.

That is why I am asking you to concentrate on the reasons you want to study engineering in this essay. That is as general an essay prompt as you can get. Do not delve into the childhood stories or projects that you did, or discussions you had that will definitely be asked for in the other common apps. This is just my advice to you. The final decision on the content and how the essay will be written is yours. I can only try to guide you towards the proper writing of the essay.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

So bring the 3rd paragraph up as your introductory paragraph. It is important to state your answer to the prompt directly at the start of the essay in order to keep the attention of the admissions officer on your essay. Remember that you do not need to be so wordy in your essay. You just need to keep it short and informative. Stick to only the most relevant information that you can provide. Don't present any dialogue in your essay because this is not a creative writing class. Dialogue information takes too long to present the necessary information. Just give your reader the straight facts.

You need to tell and not show in these types of essays because the reader does not have the time to wade through all your words to find the meaning of your essay. He has thousands more of essay to read and he will not waste his time reading a wordy essay that keeps the answer to the prompt in the 3rd paragraph. This is a general instruction for all essay prompts that your essay in particular will benefit from :-) I suggest that you rearrange the essay paragraphs to make it more informative. Review the essay as well and try to find places where you can cut down or delete sentences in order to keep the essay informative and short.

Research Papers / 'The nature of a man' - Research & Reflection paper body paragraphs [5]

Joshua, I can understand that you need to concentrate on the content of the paper and make sure that the theme is also addressed properly. That said, you need to make sure that you do not neglect to double check the words that you use in your essay as well. I refer specifically to the following line:


- I am sure you meant to say "right and wrong" instead.

Now, you mentioned making a Star Wars and Star Trek reference. For Star Wars, I will recommend that you refer to the internal / personal battle of Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. This was the part of the movie when Anakin was torn between giving in to the dark side in the misguided attempt to save Padme Amidala, his wife and fulfilling the oath he took as a Jedi to protect the innocent and remain celibate all his life. There are two wrong decisions he made, which is why he would never have made the right decision. His actions already assured that no matter what he did, he would end up on the dark side. His intentions were good but his methods, unfortunately, led him down the wrong path.

As for Star Trek, you can make mention of the part in the movie "Star Trek Into Darkness" that showed how Spock was willing to sacrifice himself for the benefit of the people on the planet. He was willing to die because his death would assure the survival of the planet and any effort Capt. Kirk took to save him would alter the evolution of the planet. Kirk chose to save Spock regardless of the danger to the evolution of life on the planet. Thus showing that people will always choose to do the right thing, even if it produces the wrong results. That is the message that these two movie convey quite strongly to the viewers. This works or ties in directly with your comment about man always doing the right or wrong thing, but then asks us to consider the effects of the right decisions producing the wrong results.

I hope my advice helps you out even a little :-)

Undergraduate / Challenge. From jaw-breaking rides to ambitious projects - Essay for Stanford [4]

Challenge. From jaw-breaking rides to ambitious projects [...]

Many people stop challenging themselves as they grow up [...]

- Melati, you can actually combine these two paragraphs into one to create a more solid and interesting introduction. By the way, you need to revise the sentence that starts with "But for me" because English grammar rules dictate that no sentence can ever start with the word "But".

I've been through three years of bullying, wrong arrest, student [...]

Now, I may be a role-model student; I rank first in my class and won [...]

- Again, this can be combined. You actually have a very short and concise essay so you need to create a strong closing statement for it. I would like to point out though, that you do not want the admissions officer to read about your wrong arrests and delinquencies. That is not an image of a good student and will definitely affect your application in a negative way. Instead, talk about the challenges that you have undertaken and how you overcame them. Show strength instead of delinquency.

If you apply the suggestions I have made, we can look into further polishing the essay content and grammar wise. This is a draft, you will need to write at least 2 more versions before this will become ready for submission :-) So be patient, we will work with you for as long as it takes to prepare your essay.

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

"Engineering? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl! " The boy who was a current student in Rice University said to me excitedly.

- This is a problem. You presented the dialogue without clarifying the situation behind the conversation. Instead of this exchange of dialogue, you should just simply state that you heard about Rice University through a chat room where you met a student. Discuss the conversation that you had and what you learned from him about Rice. Make sure to emphasize that this was the point when you first heard about and became enthralled by the possibility of attending Rice. This will be the introductory hook that we need for the essay.

What I first noticed is the the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each eleven residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in ome special activities such as Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own college. This experience in the college life is an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's event but also add onto campus's diversity.

- Where and how did you learn about this? Let us know where the Rice information comes from so that we know that it is an accurate source of university information.

diversity.
Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. While I participated in environmental club for three years in high school, I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues. Thanks for the Rice Energy Program(REP) in Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI), I can merge my academic interests in mathematics with my personal concern for global issues.

- How do you plan to do that? How will Rice help you do that? What subjects are you interested in taking in relation to this interest?

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.

- This needs more work. I guess we will polish this part as we improve the prior parts of the essay :-)

Research Papers / Canadian education - My aim in study [8]

Rupy, your essay is too long and offers too much unnecessary information. This is an essay that should only be 5 paragraphs long. Here is a format by which you can write this essay for your reference:

1. Think about the reasons that you want to study in Canada, list them down in order to importance.
2. Pick the top 5 reasons. Add more information about each reason that will help defend your choice of a Canadian education.
3. Outline the essay per topic.
4. Develop your introductory paragraph based upon the collective reasons your listed down. Give a rundown of the reasons you want attend a Canadian school.
5. Develop your concluding paragraph by explaining how the Canadian education will help you further advance your career.

That is the guide question for the basic essay. Now, tell me if you are writing an application letter for a masters education. If you are, then that is a totally new set of instructions :-)

Undergraduate / It was supposed to be a calm evening. Nightmare in Yosemite. [5]

Bob, this essay does not work to answer the prompt mainly because you did not mature through the experience. There was no right of passage because you were found by a park ranger after your worried family asked the park personnel to look for their missing child. You did not have to take responsibility for anything in this instance because there were no repercussions for you. It would have been a different case if you had survived a bobcat attack alone, with no help to be found. That would be a true right of passage and mark of adulthood.

There was nothing in this essay that marked your transition to adulthood. You need to go back and find another event that happened in your life that would better describe such an event. Try to recall such an event in your life. I am sure something along those lines exist for you. This park story just isn't the one that you should use because you got lost and were found by someone else. If you found your family using other means, that did not require the help of a park ranger, then the essay may have worked better for you.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

I am not asking you to lie in your essay. I am asking you to choose the one topic in your essay that will allow you to discuss your desire to become an engineer instead of 3 topics all at once, most of which are not related to the prompt you are trying to answer. Let me give you a starting point for your essay. Use the following paragraph as the basis of the theme and content. Use this actual paragraph as your introduction.


This will get you on track to explaining why you want to study engineering. Since it is supposed to be a generalized template, try to stick with only 5 paragraphs maximum since there will be other common app essays that you will need to write that will allow you to further reveal yourself as a student to the admissions officer. Develop the aforementioned paragraph and you will see that it will become easier for you to explain why you want to study engineering. If you hit a wall, come to us for advice. We will help you poke a hole into the wall :-)

Undergraduate / "Oh, those kids always misbehave. They're really obnoxious" - MSU essay [4]

Joshua, it is definitely reading more like a novel than an essay. I suggest that you go back to the drawing board for this essay. Try to limit the use of direct dialogue since this is not a creative writing assignment. Just talk about the experience that you had. This is one time that you should simply tell and not show in the essay. If you continue to use dialogue, you will end up with pages upon pages of words that will depict something that you could have simply related to the reader in a concise but creative form. Try to write the essay from another angle. Describe it to us, bring us into the world. Don't use dialogue. Use your emotions and logic instead. Remember, you need to deliver your answer to the admissions officer before you lose his attention, in this current form, you are sure to lose his attention and your chance for consideration in the process. If you would kindly revise the essay, we can work with you in improving it or helping you to get the essay to a place where you will be comfortable with the results of your hard work :-)

Undergraduate / My mother came to me in a dream - University of Kentucky [2]

Alexis, it would seem that although you are presenting a creative story, and that is what it is, a story, it does not feel like a real event like Joshua said, you have not made any point that allows you present an obstacle or challenge in your life. Unless your mother's death caused you to fail in school or affected you negatively and you are willing to discuss that in your essay, then you chose the wrong topic to discuss. An obstacle would be racial discrimination, lack of funds to achieve a dream or ambition and still being accomplish what you want to, or even failing to do something because you were not prepared to do it and then eventually succeeding in it after trying numerous times. This essay is currently an exercise in creative writing and nothing more. I suggest you reflect on the challenges you have faced in your life and choose one of those experiences to discuss in the essay provided it is a true challenge or obstacle that you had to overcome.

Writing Feedback / "My friend, Angel" An essay about how I thought of her from day one until now [5]

Cath, I will be offer some grammatical error corrections with comments whenever possible :-) I might also show you a new treatment for your paragraphs that you can use as the basis of your revisions. Please take all of these into consideration as your revise your essay once again.

- At first I thought she was an introvert. The small yet graceful way she had of doing things made me believe that she had low self-confidence. She had an air of mystery about her, like there was a lot of thoughts circling in her heard. This was an idea that I carried with me throughout my sophomore year with her because we never had a chance to formally meet. We had difference groups of friends since I was new to the class. The next year, our Junior year, we had difference classes but we still saw each other and the mystery about what made this girl tick continued to grow for me.

- We had a chance to finally get to know each other during our Senior year. We had the same classes again and this time, though we sat at considerable distances from each other, the chance came for us to meet, get to know each other, and become friends thanks to our now mutual friends. I learned that she never liked speaking in front of many people. That was one of the first mysteries about her that I unlocked upon striking up a friendship with her. We were getting ready to attend college, and she said she wanted to go to Dentistry School, or maybe she could be a Special Education teacher. It turns out that I had her pegged wrong all along. She was not an introvert, she was just picky about her friends. She wanted true friendship, not the superficial kinds that high school relationships offered. Contrary to what I thought, she loved going to school and had goals that I never imagined for herself. She was an admirable person.

- Her name described her best -- Angel, a guardian from the heavens. She was honest and straightforward to a fault. She was reliable where I was not and yet, she never seemed to mind. She was my life saver, my angel. She pushed me to be the best i could be even as she helped me finish the work that I felt that I was not capable of doing. She demanded that I step out of my comfort zone because she believed in me, when I did not believe in myself. We both had out flaws and had opposite personalities, but we became best friends just the same, backing each other up when needed and supporting each other unconditionally. She was the Zen in my crazy academic life. She was the blessing that I needed in the chaotic world of my senior year in high school.

I really think that you should make your last paragraph your introductory paragraph because it has a hook that catches the attention of the reader and gives the perfect overview of the story that you will be telling in the essay.

Research Papers / Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello [7]

Chelsea, can you tell us what the common prompt you are trying to answer is? We need to know what question you are trying to respond to in order to properly review the essay. I believe that it has something to do with identity? Without knowing what the actual prompt is, I can offer only an overview of comments about the essay. I can't comment on the adherence to the prompt yet.

This is a very interesting essay that shows how your personality developed from your mixed race surroundings. The problem that I see is that you are using 2 stories to explain one point when you should be able to do it with just one. Instead of two stories, you should only use one story and develop the essay around that. That way you can concentrate on developing the theme and your response in the most applicable manner to the prompt :-) I can offer a more complete commentary and offer specific advice once i know what we are dealing with here :-)

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Hi Nicole :-) Sorry about not getting back to you sooner. Errands got in the way. I like the information that you provided. You should actually use that for the introduction part of your essay. This explains what motivated you to look into the course offerings and learning programs at Rice University in relation to your Engineering major. Build your essay around the chats that you had with the student and remember to focus on how you felt as you heard these things. Relate how it motivated you to look up the university online and how you continued to fall in love with the academic and social community of Rice through your research and chats. This will be a unique perspective on how a person can actually be motivated by a virtual environment into learning about a real university and what it has to offer its students. I believe that it could actually set apart your essay from the others and make it notable to the admissions officer. Would you like to give it a try by writing your introduction? I will of course be here to assist you every step of the way. I won't go anywhere until you get it polished :-)

Undergraduate / This journey isn't a simple road trip that you sometimes get lost in - UF APPLICATION [5]

Caroline, you need to try to approach this essay from a different angle. Right now, your essay is dealing with your journey through life which is not the same as the definition of a good life. Try to write another essay based upon what you believe to be a good life and how happened for you. Some people use a quote from a book, a story from a movie n or tv show, or even an anecdote from a friend of relative. The good life is a journey, but it needs to be defined in order for it to have meaning and for others to understand why you define it a certain way. The prompt wants to measure your maturity level and understanding of life. Try to reflect that in your writing. Those are the reasons you need to revise the essay. Trust me, it will help your essay align properly with the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Usually, when someone describes "the good life", the first thing that comes to mind is money [2]

Mariana , I am not sure about how the story about attending the class your father taught helped add to your definition of the good life. You let us know about how attending the class helped you bond with him and decide about what you wanted to study in college and be in life but how did that improve or change the definition of the good life for you? Perhaps you should rethink that paragraph and decide how you can make it more connected and relevant to the essay prompt. Unless you make that connection, the statement becomes misplaced and irrelevant to the prompt.

Your definition of the good life as a child is solid and relevant. You should just develop that further based upon the changing our evolving definition of the good life for you as you have come to learn more about our world and the lives we lead. This will align more with your introductory statement about what the good life meant to you as a child.

Undergraduate / The moment I watched Professor Max Paul Friedman's Convocation Speech [2]

Lauren while you present very compelling reasons for wishing to attend American University because of the professors, your essay would be greatly helped by mentioning the specific classes and programs that the university offers which are aligned with your career goals and objectives. This will present a clear idea as to how and why you would be a perfect fit with their academy and student community. You need need to connect their university Midsession statement with your own goals if possible also. That will deliver a solid statement to the admission officer as well.

Undergraduate / I had the opportunity to watch a close friend of mine read her acceptance letter from Northwestern [5]

Gene, the reason you went over the word limit is because you mentioned watching your friend read her acceptance letter does not have any relevance to your choice of Northwestern as your own university. By deleting that portion you will gain an extra 14 words that you can use to further develop your essay. Just talk about the points that matter to you. I would suggest using the following as a template for your future revisions instead:

Beyond the regularities that quantify any top school- a diverse community, an accomplished staff, and an adept D1 athletic program - qualities like exposing students to real life applications as well as offering countless interns and job opportunities really sets Northwestern apart in my eyes. The prospect of spending weekends lying on the beautiful lake beaches or traveling to the great city of Chicago just adds on to the long list of great Northwestern qualities. Although my interests lie not in music, but in the McCormick School of Engineering, I still believe Northwestern is the perfect fit for me.

The first thing that attracts me to the School of engineering is the nationally and internationally recognized Design, Thinking and Communications class. The aspect that sets this course apart from any other first rate program is its focus on giving the students real world experience. Helping me develop communication and problem solving skills through real problems submitted by real clients is undoubtedly an invaluable experience that other universities cannot offer. Reading on how Sam Malin and other alumni have helped the community through projects such as developing prosthetic fitting solutions and designing low cost ventilation systems has inspired me to become a Northwestern engineer. I hope in the future I can take advantage of this opportunity to advance my intellectual prowess whilst solving some of the many dilemmas in society.

Being such a prestigious university, the Northwestern name has to compete with the likes of other top colleges in America. However, the real world experience McCormick exposes the students too, alongside numerous interns and job opportunities that awaits a Northwestern engineer is invaluable. These are among the reasons why I've decided to make Northwestern my number one.

The version I highlighted is 286 words, it gives you room to play around if you wish :-)

Research Papers / The 'King Kongs' - Caltech - Honor Code Essay [10]

Lean, I strongly advice that you use the first essay about the playground bullies. It more than answers the prompt because it depicts your strength of character and logical line of thinking. I would try to relate it in a more concise manner though so that you can still tell us about the end result of your actions on the bullies. What kind of reprimand did they get? That is a part of the essay that needs to be addressed. You can do that by shortening the story about how they acted in the playground. Right now, the essay is over the 200 word limit but I am refraining from editing it because of my advised revision. Should you choose to revise the essay, you need not worry about going over the word count, I will help you bring it down when necessary :-)

Writing Feedback / Sentiments about the upcoming university! [2]


- Is this a part of your introduction to the essay? Why was it attached to the essay prompt? Bring it down as a stand alone paragraph.


- There are numerous advantages to having a university near the community. It offers the students more time to rest before and after classes because of the less need for travel time to get to the university. This will reduce the anxiety and stress upon the students who often worry about making their classes on time. Students who attend nearby university's often have better grades because they can concentrate on their academics rather than worrying about travel time and losing time to work on projects and research because of the distance of the school from their homes.


- While the nearby university will benefit the students, it may also inconvenience the community we live in for a number of reasons. School campuses have been known to be high traffic places with plenty of noise pollution caused by the students and their on campus activities. Parking becomes an issue once the students have more cars and motorcycles than the university can provide parking for. The university will definitely cause a major adjustment to the once quiet and contented life of the community.


- Keeping these facts in mind when considering whether the new university should be built near our community or not, the public will have to consider the advantages to the students and the disadvantages to the community. Sure the kids will have more time to sleep and work their academic requirements, but the community life will be disrupted with constant noise and student activities as well.

Research Papers / Our city has abundance things to entertain - A new beginning [2]

Vns, let me show you a better structure for each paragraph that you wrote. You really need to familiarize yourself with the English language because you have a tendency to use certain words, such as tragically, in the wrong context. I will show you how to correct that as well :-)


- When my friend told me that he was planning to move to my city, I was ecstatic over the knowledge that i would have another friend closer to home than before. I knew that he would be very happy with this new beginning in his life and I wanted to make sure that he would greatly benefit from my experience of having lived in the town for quite some time already.I started by telling him all about the best qualities of what would soon be our city. I told him that public transportation was not a problem there, the residents are quiet people and it is not over crowded because not everyone who works in the city lives there. The place is quite safe and free from crime, and most importantly, the weather is perfect for enjoying the nearby beach and its amenities.


- As perfect as our city sounds, I made sure that he would know the drawbacks of living there as well in case he was planning on starting his family there. I mentioned the lack of schools and universities in close proximity to the city, which is why not many people live in our particular city. There is also a very small social circle of people living there so we tend to mingle amongst one another throughout our daily lives. Those however, are minor drawbacks when one considers the benefits of living there as the priority for making the decision to move to the city.

Do not use the word tragically in a sentence unless you are referring to a very sad life ending or altering event. The drawbacks of city living in this case is not dreadful, calamitous, or fatal and therefore cannot be considered a tragedy nor be referred to as tragic.

Undergraduate / I have got a Cornell Supplement essay - it need to be checked [4]

Jack, you discuss which ever game was harder for you to develop in order to better present your abilities as a computer programmer. If you feel that the other game will do that for you, then delete the reference to the Battleship game and then revise the essay to reflect only the discussion of the new game. The challenges that developing the other game presented to you will show the development of your critical thinking abilities and the way that you use computer coding in order to make it behave the way you need or want it to. The Battleship game was already in existence before you tinkered with it for your school project so there wasn't much you could have done to alter that program. Developing your own software game though, that shows talent, skill, and an advanced understanding of computer codes which is sure to make an impression of some sort on the reader.

Essays / Elizabeth I never married - how did this effect her reign? [2]

Monica, you have chosen a very interesting historical figure for your paper. I agree that her reign had good and bad points and that things may have changed if she had married. For one, the son of Mary, Queen of Scots would not have been able to ascend to the throne thus changing the entire history of Great Britain. Most historians believe that she was one of the first independent women who proved that women could actually be more than just child bearers in an era when women were mostly looked down upon. It is from this point of view that I believe you can effectively discuss your paper.

Read the historical accounts of her reign and pay particular attention to the suitors and marriage proposals she received. Try to get into her mindset and explain the political situation she found herself in at the time. There are many papers written about her suitors and the political campaigns that they tried to mount based upon a marriage proposal to her. By trying to get into her mindset and understanding why she chose to turn down the proposals, you will find the reasons why her reign became one of the most successful in British royal history :-) You will not lack for resource material on that topic, there are plenty to be found on the internet, library archives, documentaries, and the like.

Good luck with your research paper. Don't hesitate to see us again if you need more support :-)

Undergraduate / My Best Worst Experience - Summer Camp Abroad (alone) at the age of 8. -- Common App Personal Essay [6]

Salma, I can understand how traveling alone for the first time and attending camp can be a traumatic experience for an 8 year old. However, you are trying to present an autobiographical account of your stay at the camp instead of just presenting a life altering event that occurred there for you. That is why the essay has become cluttered with too much information, lacks direction, development, and a central theme. The only way you can do that is to concentrate on the one event that affected you the most while you were at camp. Try not to discuss religion because there is a great chance you might end up offending the reader of your essay. Religion is always a topic that causes misunderstandings and is best left out of an academic essay. Traveling alone is a good topic, as is bullying since these two are almost standard essay responses to the given prompt. If I were writing this essay, I would concentrate on the talent show instead and how I performed in it because by discussing that, I can effectively touch on discussing bullying, camp cliques, and other related information, without having to go into too much detail about the experience. I hope you take my advice into consideration as you continue to draft this essay :-) We are all looking forward to reading it.

Undergraduate / Sassy afro'd women-UVA sup. essay [2]

Taylor, the first thing that I noticed about this essay was that although you presented a very detailed description of the painting that you say, you remained on the technical aspect of its description and your reaction to it. Instead of remaining on this superficial level, you should have tried to explain how you felt the minute that you saw the picture. Aside from standing mesmerized, your brain was telling you something, your emotions were reacting to the images before you. That is what you should have immediately tried to present in the essay. No, there is no possible way that you cannot explain what you were seeing and experiencing. There is a way and you have to find it because the essay is not about abstract feelings, it is about your reaction to art. This essay wants to know if you have the mindset of an artist and how it emerged in your personality to lead you towards the major of your choice.


- Fall short if you must, but detail why this painting unsettled, surprised, or challenged you.

Try to discuss the painting from the point of view of being surprised by seeing the painting. That is a keyword that I found in your current version of the essay that I feel will help you better express the way the painting affected you. By doing that, you will be able to put your thoughts, emotions, and sentiments into words. No matter how hard, you must describe the feelings. Otherwise, you are not truly answering the prompt.

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

Sam, you should not combine your hook in the introduction with your short term plans. Either discuss the introduction separately or discuss your long term plans immediately. You do not need to be very wordy in an essay that has a word count. The less words you use to state your case, the better and more interesting your paper will be. The reason for the word count is to make it easier for the reader to finish reading your essay. Being direct to the point is always a point in your favor :-) Aside from that minor revision suggestion, I would say that the essay is on track and really answers the prompt. However, if you feel that you need to work on it some more, then we will be happy to lend you a helping hand in doing that :-)

Graduate / My test taking skills improved after I discovered my calling for the Speech Language Pathology field [3]

Hanh, a personal statement is not formatted as a letter to the admissions committee. You need to reformat the paper into an essay format. All you have to do to do that is to remove the greeting portion at the start of your paper. Using a scale of 1-10, I would grade this essay an 8, only because of the formatting problem and the wordiness of the essay. You can actually delete the first part of your essay that only contains word fillers. This is the part of the essay that does not actually say anything about you and your application in a direct manner and is therefore useless to the admissions officer who has only a few minutes to decide whether the essay he is reading is worth reading to the end or not.

You also need to revise the following:

- You should instead be talking about how the university course offerings specifically have motivated you to pursue a degree there. Mention some specific programs that the university offers which helped you come to this decision.

Finally, delete this last part:

- Try to avoid discussing any negative aspect of your academics in your personal statement unless asked by the prompt to do so. You do not want to leave an impression that you are not worthy of attendance at their university. The admissions officer will find out about your grades through the transcript of records you submitted anyway and that will speak volumes more about you than any defense you can present about why you had bad grades. If they don't ask, you don't tell. That will be sure to help your essay along as well.

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Nicole, I will need information from you in order to construct a template since I was not present at the meeting. If you can give me the necessary information such as how you met the student and what discussion transpired, I should be able to come up with something for you. Since this was not an actual meeting, it will be a very bad idea to create a scene for it. Instead, I am envisioning how I can take the scene as it happened to you and then make it interesting to read about. I may be able to come up with some suggestions for the introduction treatment when I hear more from you about it. Give me any and all the information that you think I should know about the meeting you had so that I can develop a idea of how it might have transpired and how to translate that into the essay :-) I look forward to that post from you soon. Time is running November 1 is practically around the corner so we have to move fast :-)

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]


- It's never a good idea to mention that you met an admissions officer. It is an even worse idea to mention what transpired during that meeting. It would be like trying to name drop and exert influence over the opinion of the current admissions officer reviewing your application. My advice is, don't do it :-) Let your essay apps pass or fail on its own merits that way you won't feel bad if mentioning something that you hoped would have had a positive effect did not have any effect at all.


- Nicole, don't worry, I will help you polish this essay just like the others :-) We will polish this till it gleams in your eyes :-)

Now for the essay content itself. Nicole, will you be extremely angry if I ask you to revise the essay because this current version does not answer the prompt? The question being asked is


Discuss the meeting with the Rice student in great detail instead. Explain what kind of impact that meeting with her had on you. Tell us about the things that she told you about the university, its academy and student community. What image did that conjure in your head about your future at the university? Among all the things that you learned about the university from the student, what was the information that had the most impact upon you that made you decide to apply to the university ?

Those are the kinds of information that will answer the prompt and will help to create a positive image of yourself with the admissions officer.

By the way, to answer a question you posed in a previous thread, you will learn about creative writing in college. It is actually something that is taught at the high school level in most American high schools but since you did not go to an American high school, you may need to enroll in a creative writing class or two in college as an elective if it is not offered as part of the course curriculum but is offered as an optional course instead :-)

Undergraduate / a personal quirk is a part of who you are; supplemental essay [8]

Hi Nicole, yes, make our selves one word. I did not notice that I wrote it as two words :-) I have your essay down to 250 words now. You can use this as the final version. There is no such thing as a final draft.

Undergraduate / a personal quirk is a part of who you are; supplemental essay [8]

Nicole, the terms that you do not understand are actually creative English writing techniques that are quite commonly used in advanced essay writing. There is nothing wrong in the way that it was written. It is just that it is a far more advanced method of English writing and expression that you have not yet achieved at your English writing level but will certainly make a highly positive impression upon the admissions officer because it shows an advanced grasp of the English language. Let me explain it to you as best as I can.


- Can you see yourself without a mirror? You can't right? That is why when you look into the mirror, you see the physical representation of yourself. You see the whole of your embodiment that you do not normally see.


- The use of the hand is to deflect negative things or show us things that we don't normally see. The mirror represents that in this case. It can also be said in this manner "The mirror truly reflects the way that people see us."


- A guilty habit is another way of saying "quirk". It is something that not everyone knows about you and you have no intention of letting them really know about it. Hence if they caught you, you would feel guilty because this is a side of yourself that is so personal, you try to hide it from others.


- In this case, your quirk is not a negative thing hence it enhances certain aspects of your personality.

The additions that you made are creative and are acceptable in this case. It helps to lighten the mood of the essay :-)

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

Hi Sam, let's see if this edited version of your essay will be acceptable to you. It is 316 words.

My short term goal is quite simple, to achieve a position as a Supply Chain or Operations Analyst for a major manufacturing firm within the next 5 years. From there, I will give myself another 5 years to take on a Product Management role within the company. These short term goals are easily achievable for me because of my previous background working the past 5 years as an IT SAP PLM consultant. The long term goal, is to move me slowly into a CxO role by becoming a principal contributor to the company's success worldwide. It is because of these short and long term goals of mine that I chose to attend Smith.

The first reason is that the dual degree MBA/MS in Supply Chain Management will allow me to make a career switch when it becomes necessary for me to do so. Next, is that being an introvert, I tend to thrive and succeed more in a small classroom set up such as the one that Smith offers.

I have 3 objectives for want to complete my MBA in relation to career transitions. First, I need the theorietical knowledge of advanced studies that will help me improve my understanding of business concepts. Second, the experiential learning process will allow me to implement the theories in real world working set ups through the consultations projects with sponsor companies. Finally, I will be able to gain an international perspective while growing my network of friends and contemporaries who careers will flourish alongside mine and thus, provide us with a symbiotic working relationship in the future.

Keeping in my short and long term goals, as well as the factors for choosing Smith, I am more than convinced that the university will be able to provide me with the necessary technical training and competency development in order to gain an advantage over the other job applicants in the future.

Use this as your template for your own revision. I hope you can use it :-)