Undergraduate / We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley [9]

Philipe, your essay, as Lauren mentioned, lacks a personal connection with the kids. You mentioned the death of Danny, but you never tied it into the volunteer activity that you were doing. How do the two relate? Dani was special to you since you mentioned him specifically in this story so you should really work on developing that connection because it shows the importance of the extra curricular activity to you.

I suggest that you start the essay by introducing your extra curricular activity and a brief explanation of what you do there. Then proceed to Dani and explain about your relationship with him and how it relates to the mission and goals or objectives of the organization you work with. Finally, detail how meeting and working with Dani affected you as a person and how it possibly changed you and your life in a way. That will make this activity more memorable and show its importance to you in terms of personal development.

Undergraduate / "A Mentor's Mentor" - Communities Essay - The University of Michigan [3]

Jo, you mentioned towards the end that you are a mentors mentor. What exactly does that mean? To those of us not familiar with the workings of the Catholic church, we will now know what you are talking about. You should never work on the assumption that you are going to be talking to a fellow Catholic who is familiar with the terms you are using and how the system of the church works. Explain it some more to those unfamiliar to the topic. After all, that is the main answer to the prompt. That is your main position in the community so you should explain how that role affects you, what the expectations of you are, and how you function to your fullest in that capacity :-) Remember, not everyone is religious so giving a detailed explanation can help you better connect with the reader or reviewer.

Undergraduate / 'there is so much I aim to accomplish' - How do you plan to succeed at VCU? [2]

Lauren, you have very good introductory statements for each plan of action that you present. You just need to develop the content by giving more precise information such as the subjects to are looking to enroll in and why it is of interest to you, what social activities you plan on participating in, and how you can give back to the academic and student community as well. The prompt is asking you to present an outline of the next 4 years of your life at VCU so you should be as detailed and informative as possible. Don't forget to mention any mentor or internship programs that the university offers which tie in directly to your major and how you want to be a part of it. It would help if you mentioned some notable professor names as people you are looking forward to learning from and working with as a student there. You need to show them that you already have your future outlined and planned. All that you need is to execute it and you know just how VCU can help you do that.

Undergraduate / 'born between my loving mother and my grandparents' - UPenn Personal Essay [3]

Abdurrahman, while you are presenting a very interesting story here that is almost autobiographical in tale. However, the story of your absentee father, drop out brother, and being born in Jordan is not as compelling to read as the paragraph about the switch in your educational system. I believe that it was this switch, from regular school to cyberschool that makes your essay stand out. I was particularly struck by this portion of your writing:


I believe that your essay will benefit greatly from a change in focus from the family to your adjustment to the electronic school system. It is a story that is very central to the development of your identity as an individual because you mention developing a sense of independence and struggling to adjust at the same time. Those are factors that show a unique development in you and portrays the kind of college student that you have the strong potential to be.

Of course this is just my suggestion and the decision about what information your essay should contain is up to you. I am merely suggesting ways to make it more interesting to the reader because it lacks a hook at the beginning. It really starts off very slow until it gets to the cyberschool portion.

Essays / Homelessness & Poverty - 3 different sources from different media that portray the issues [4]

Jordan, you need to work on brainstorming this essay first. You should list down at least 5 topics about poverty and 5 topics about homelessness for you to choose from. From that list, look up sources on the internet for the articles from newspapers and magazines, avoid all references to wikipedia, personal blogs, or any websites that have targeted advertising on it. Try to see which of the topics you have listed have the most possible academic sources as required by your professor and then opt for the one with more than 3 sources. That way you can show that thorough research was done on your part by accessing as many sources as possible. You can use direct quotes in your research in order to fill up page space, but remember to write an effective introduction and transition sentence after each quote. You need to explain each quote you use and make reference to it in the proper writing format (MLA, APA, Chicago, etc.) Paraphrasing with reference to sources will also help you meet the page requirement. As you complete your research, you should begin to form your own opinion on the topic and be able to come to a valid and academic conclusion for its concluding statement.

Research Papers / Canadian education - My aim in study [8]

Rupy, we are not here to write the essay for you. You need to write the essay yourself and we will help you fix it and make it ready for submission to the embassy. if that is what you need. Don't panic, take your time and consider all of the instructions that I provided you as a guideline. Try to write something down. It does not matter if it is grammatically imperfect, we are here to help you fix that. This is something that you have to write yourself otherwise the people who read it will know if you had someone else write it for you. Also, this forum was not created as a professional writing service. We are merely offering free editing, review, and revision advice to students who need our help. Our job is to guide you towards creating the essay paper that you need or require. The job of writing the content, is yours :-)

So write something, whatever comes to your mind after reading the guidelines I mentioned. Then post it here. Don't be ashamed if you feel that it is not any good. We will be here to help you make it better or the best that it can be. You have to do the work though :-) Again, don't panic, relax and know that we will help you get through this. Nothing will be accomplished if you choose to panic instead of work on the paper :-) Work on it and let us help you instead.

Writing Feedback / A society without school and education system is like a body without brain [7]

Sina, while you present a good argument for the essay, I believe that you can use some other real world and academically acceptable reasons for allowing students to study courses that they are interested in and want to study in high school. Ask the reader to take into consideration that in the United States, there are specialized high schools for technology, the arts, and other field specific disciplines that allow the high school student to take their regular classes with specialized courses that will give them the proper foundation for their future college degree. This better prepares the student for the rigors and demands of college because they begin to immerse themselves into the college courses early on and thus, develop a more mature and deeper understanding of what and where their course interests could take them. This makes their decision as to what course to study in college easier than it can be for most students. Their regular high schools also offer some AP or advanced placement classes which provides the same college preparatory courses to help ease them into the college life transition. I hope you can consider these aspects of evidence and supporting arguments for the revision of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / I was five years of old when my whole world collapsed - UF "good life" essay [5]

- Vy, this is actually the only portion of your essay that aligns or answers the essay prompt. So you need to get to work on expanding the notion of the "good life" based upon the reflection that you have in this paragraph. Look into your past, what did the "good life" mean to you back then? How has it changed for you over time? Discuss how and why the notion of the "good life" tends to take on different meanings while you are maturing as a person. Then continue to relate it to the University of Florida and how the university can help you achieve another phase and definition of a "good life"

Undergraduate / GAP year essay for common app required explanation. Mount Holyoke College Applicant [6]

Enjila, your essay could use further development. One thing that you need to highlight during your gap year is the activities that you participated in with the various organizations. You should make mention of the specific organizations and your activities there. Be sure to relate all of the organization work and volunteer activities with an out of school learning experience. It is imperative that you prove that your gap year was not wasted because you just wanted to take time off from school. Detailing your activities and sharing what you learned during this year away from school will help establish the continued learning process that a gap year is expected to provide to the applicant. You need to show that you continued to develop a well rounded personality as well as intellectual maturity when it comes to the life experiences that you had. The information you provide pertaining to your gap year will help the admissions officer decide if your gap year had admirable results that would make you an excellent addition to their student roster.

Undergraduate / Eyes, with pride - Lourdes music program [2]

Paul, you can't just say that you quite the band because you did not like it. You need to let us know what it was about the band that you became so adverse to and why you continued to hate the band regardless of what instrument your mother had you play. That way you can build the foundation for the reason behind why you eventually came to change your mind because you came to like being in the marching band.


- Exactly what caused this in you? Explain the circumstances so that we can get an idea as to why band participation became your life saver. Remember these were supposed to have gone on unnoticed by most people so it is essential that we learn why marching band participation became very important to you.

There are also some grammatical errors that we need to address within the essay but I feel that we should hold off on doing that until we are able to adjust the theme and content requirements of your essay :-) Shall we start with those?

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]


- Nicole, this is too blunt. You need an introduction. We need to know how you met this person and why he would have such an influence on you. What were the things you discussed in the past? Surely it was not this curt and unappealing. Where is the excitement of Iker when talking about Rice? His happiness at being at Rice should have been infectious for you which is why you were influenced to look deeper into Rice in the first place. Show us the basis of the friendship and the development of his influence on your decision to look into Rice as a potential university for you. That will help show the kind of motivated students Rice has enrolled at the moment who can influence others into considering their school for their own higher studies :-)

Undergraduate / Patience, dedication and motivation are three traits I stand by. [5]

Chelsea, this is a supposed to be a story central to your identity. The problem, is that you spend too much time talking about the identity of your parents instead of your own. You should focus the whole essay on the Habitat for Humanity Restore program instead and then relate it in some way to the story of your parents if it is possible. That way you change the focus of the essay from being about your parents and their struggles in Vietnam to you and how your own future is affected by their past. Your parent's have an admirable story of survival but, it is not your story, so it should only be mentioned or skimmed over. It should not take a large part of the essay as it is now. Develop your story with Habitat and then mention your parents struggle in your reflection about how lucky you are. That should work better in answering the prompt while retaining most of the existing information from the first version of your essay.

Undergraduate / It was supposed to be a calm evening. Nightmare in Yosemite. [5]

Bob, reading your essay, I cannot help, in the mindset of the admissions officer, but wonder if you had just made up the story. There is no way you could have survived a bobcat attack or any attack in the forest unscathed. You would have had at least had some bruising and minor injuries from the brawl with such an animal. It is important that you be truthful in your essay. Can't you relate a story that is closer to the truth in your life? This sounds like a scene right out of a Hollywood movie. It is too unrealistic. Isn't there a moment in your life when your parents left you in charge of yourself? This could be something as simple as staying alone for the weekend at the family home, taking care of a younger sibling, or even taking a trip without your parents for the first time. You need to present an essay that does not sound fictional. You need to represent yourself truthfully in what is your preliminary interview with the admissions officer, who can tell if you are making up a story to impress him or her from a mile away. That won't work, it won't serve the purpose of the essay prompt. Please revise the essay and see if you can do something to make it more believable and real. Talk about you, not Indiana Jones :-)

Undergraduate / Film photography feels like my own; it gives me ability to explore unknown things, even the dead now [3]


- Lauren, personalize this line in order to let the reader know that you are talking about your experience from the very start. use the word I and restate the part of the sentence this way; "between the moment I pressed the button and when I finally the prints..."


- This can be developed as a separate paragraph that allows you to explain the way digital photography is less personalized than traditional film photography. You can explain the sense of personalization with every frame shot because you had to manually set the exposure, lighting, flash, focus, speed, and distance. I am a traditional photography hobbyist myself so I know that these are things one does not experience with digital shots. Sure you set the same things, but knowing you can alter it later in the computer before printing leaves a less personalized touch on the photos don't you think? That sentiment should be reflected in the essay.

Overall, the message of your essay is solid and is something that is truly interesting to read about. Film photography is practically a dead field since most people use digital cameras these days. The fact that you are trying to be a purist photographer is something that should impress the reader very well :-)

Undergraduate / The word "Ethiopian" over the years have been manipulated to mean so many things nowadays [6]

Mismak, it is important that your essay center on only one given theme instead of the two themes that you have running here. The first theme that you have revolves around racial discrimination since you talk at great length about the hardships and negative treatment that you get from your classmates, friends, and teachers because of the concept that they have in their minds about Ethopians. This is better known as racial discrimination. Then you have the other theme, the story central to your identity and the development of your desire to become an educator. The story of the respect that Ethopians have for their elders and educators.

Of the two themes, I believe that the second theme, respect for their educators, is the more important and central story that you should be telling the admissions officer about because it is truly a part of your culture and tradition as an Ethopian that is central to your identity as a person and citizen of Ethopia. It is something that is little known in the Western world and should therefore be brought to light by discussing it in your essay.

Sure there are grammatical errors that can be corrected in order to make the essay smoother and more grammatically correct. However, I would rather that you concentrate on telling the story you have to tell the admissions officer before we make any grammatical changes so that we can save you some editing movements. I hope you can revise the essay by centering it around the theme of respect for educators soon. I believe this is central to your story because you wish to become an educator in the future. So it directly relates to your academic plans and other essay prompts.

Undergraduate / "Oh, those kids always misbehave. They're really obnoxious" - MSU essay [4]

You can use the quote to kick off your essay. I would suggest making that the introduction to the group and then follow it up with your point of view about them during that first time that you saw them. Tell us what you observed about them. Their membership (multiracial or whatever), their activities, and how the other people at the school, from the security team, professors, and other students viewed them. This will set the platform for the collective opinion that people may have had about the group and allow the essay to progress with either agreeing, or disagreeing with the public opinion depending upon how your relationship with them progressed. The introduction will also give the reader an overview of what information the rest of your essay will contain and how it will relate to that quote that you presented at the start. I hope you can post the continuation soon :-) I am looking forward to assisting you with it.

Undergraduate / This journey isn't a simple road trip that you sometimes get lost in - UF APPLICATION [5]

Caroline, this is a better take, but still, it has superficial undertones and shows only a common understanding of the essay prompt. You need to delve deeper into yourself in order to properly respond to this prompt. It is not about travel or material things, or even the existence of your good fortune, the good life you are being asked about is an abstract understanding of the term. Taken from your actual experience in life in comparison to the world around you. If you were to continue developing this essay using the information you have provided in the revised essay, I would ask you to consider the world travels that you have had and reflect upon the experience of mingling with people of different countries. What did you learn about the good life from them? From the way you engaged with them and the way they treated you, the good and bad experiences you had with them, all could help to define the good life based upon your travels. How about trying to incorporate that point of view into the next version of your essay? We are building the draft versions of your essay at the moment, slowly, it will come into its final form. I hope you can bear with me while I try to help you achieve that :-)

Research Papers / Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello [7]

Chelsea, I believe that you should concentrate on the "You will play the cello" part of the story because it encompasses everything from racial discrimination, stereotyping, wanting to break out of a mold, and discovering who you are. Students who play a musical instrument in grade and high school have enough teasing and prejudices to deal with and by including the racial part of it, you will be able to present a new take on what should have been an old story. You make yourself stand out by telling that story because you had to overcome more than just racial stereotyping and you were able to prove to your peers that you could be more than what society said you should be. As such, the essay carries the true essence of finding yourself in a multiracial world and accepting that it is because of who you are, a unique individual, that you will have to continue to overcome other people's opinions of you, and still be comfortable with whom you know you are :-)

Undergraduate / Graduates from the University of Michigan have at least one job offer before they finish their study [2]

Claire, your essay is currently cluttered with half developed reasons for wanting to transfer to the University of Michigan. Not all of your reasons can be considered valid because they are too generalized in reasoning such as


. It is my belief that since you are transferring from one university to another because of academic reasons, you should highlight that point in your essay. You also mentioned that you are taking a business degree which should help you further highlight the reasons for wanting to transfer. Say something about the limited academic and program training for business majors at Adrian College. Then talk about the business courses and programs at University of Michigan that made you very keen about transferring. Make a specific mention of how these programs will help you advance your career in the future. Don't concentrate so much on the social aspect of the transfer because these social activities are not a part of the main reason or consideration for your transfer :-) Build instead upon your desire for a stronger academic and internship background as a business major.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

You can still talk about how your love for engineering developed. You just need to slide it down to the next few paragraphs instead of placing it at the top. Besides, the general prompt asks you why you want to study engineering, not why you love engineering. When answering common or general prompts, it is always best to just answer the question being asked instead of trying to throw in a tremendous amount of irrelevant information that the admissions officer can discover through your other common app essays. In this case, concentrate, don't deviate. Don't offer answers to questions that are not being asked. Just discuss why you want to study engineering. If you want to study it because you love it, then discuss how that love developed in relation to your interest in engineering.

Listen, I can understand that you want to write a single generic essay that will answer all of the possible questions that a university can ask of their applicants. That is not how a college application works. Expect to write at least 3 different essays based upon specific questions that the university will provide, which they feel is relevant to your application. Trying to jump the gun and override their questions will not work because you end up with overly long, wordy, and not really informative essays in the process.

That is why I am asking you to concentrate on the reasons you want to study engineering in this essay. That is as general an essay prompt as you can get. Do not delve into the childhood stories or projects that you did, or discussions you had that will definitely be asked for in the other common apps. This is just my advice to you. The final decision on the content and how the essay will be written is yours. I can only try to guide you towards the proper writing of the essay.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

So bring the 3rd paragraph up as your introductory paragraph. It is important to state your answer to the prompt directly at the start of the essay in order to keep the attention of the admissions officer on your essay. Remember that you do not need to be so wordy in your essay. You just need to keep it short and informative. Stick to only the most relevant information that you can provide. Don't present any dialogue in your essay because this is not a creative writing class. Dialogue information takes too long to present the necessary information. Just give your reader the straight facts.

You need to tell and not show in these types of essays because the reader does not have the time to wade through all your words to find the meaning of your essay. He has thousands more of essay to read and he will not waste his time reading a wordy essay that keeps the answer to the prompt in the 3rd paragraph. This is a general instruction for all essay prompts that your essay in particular will benefit from :-) I suggest that you rearrange the essay paragraphs to make it more informative. Review the essay as well and try to find places where you can cut down or delete sentences in order to keep the essay informative and short.

Research Papers / 'The nature of a man' - Research & Reflection paper body paragraphs [5]

Joshua, I can understand that you need to concentrate on the content of the paper and make sure that the theme is also addressed properly. That said, you need to make sure that you do not neglect to double check the words that you use in your essay as well. I refer specifically to the following line:


- I am sure you meant to say "right and wrong" instead.

Now, you mentioned making a Star Wars and Star Trek reference. For Star Wars, I will recommend that you refer to the internal / personal battle of Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. This was the part of the movie when Anakin was torn between giving in to the dark side in the misguided attempt to save Padme Amidala, his wife and fulfilling the oath he took as a Jedi to protect the innocent and remain celibate all his life. There are two wrong decisions he made, which is why he would never have made the right decision. His actions already assured that no matter what he did, he would end up on the dark side. His intentions were good but his methods, unfortunately, led him down the wrong path.

As for Star Trek, you can make mention of the part in the movie "Star Trek Into Darkness" that showed how Spock was willing to sacrifice himself for the benefit of the people on the planet. He was willing to die because his death would assure the survival of the planet and any effort Capt. Kirk took to save him would alter the evolution of the planet. Kirk chose to save Spock regardless of the danger to the evolution of life on the planet. Thus showing that people will always choose to do the right thing, even if it produces the wrong results. That is the message that these two movie convey quite strongly to the viewers. This works or ties in directly with your comment about man always doing the right or wrong thing, but then asks us to consider the effects of the right decisions producing the wrong results.

I hope my advice helps you out even a little :-)

Undergraduate / Challenge. From jaw-breaking rides to ambitious projects - Essay for Stanford [4]

Challenge. From jaw-breaking rides to ambitious projects [...]

Many people stop challenging themselves as they grow up [...]

- Melati, you can actually combine these two paragraphs into one to create a more solid and interesting introduction. By the way, you need to revise the sentence that starts with "But for me" because English grammar rules dictate that no sentence can ever start with the word "But".

I've been through three years of bullying, wrong arrest, student [...]

Now, I may be a role-model student; I rank first in my class and won [...]

- Again, this can be combined. You actually have a very short and concise essay so you need to create a strong closing statement for it. I would like to point out though, that you do not want the admissions officer to read about your wrong arrests and delinquencies. That is not an image of a good student and will definitely affect your application in a negative way. Instead, talk about the challenges that you have undertaken and how you overcame them. Show strength instead of delinquency.

If you apply the suggestions I have made, we can look into further polishing the essay content and grammar wise. This is a draft, you will need to write at least 2 more versions before this will become ready for submission :-) So be patient, we will work with you for as long as it takes to prepare your essay.

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

"Engineering? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl! " The boy who was a current student in Rice University said to me excitedly.

- This is a problem. You presented the dialogue without clarifying the situation behind the conversation. Instead of this exchange of dialogue, you should just simply state that you heard about Rice University through a chat room where you met a student. Discuss the conversation that you had and what you learned from him about Rice. Make sure to emphasize that this was the point when you first heard about and became enthralled by the possibility of attending Rice. This will be the introductory hook that we need for the essay.

What I first noticed is the the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each eleven residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in ome special activities such as Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own college. This experience in the college life is an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's event but also add onto campus's diversity.

- Where and how did you learn about this? Let us know where the Rice information comes from so that we know that it is an accurate source of university information.

diversity.
Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. While I participated in environmental club for three years in high school, I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues. Thanks for the Rice Energy Program(REP) in Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI), I can merge my academic interests in mathematics with my personal concern for global issues.

- How do you plan to do that? How will Rice help you do that? What subjects are you interested in taking in relation to this interest?

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.

- This needs more work. I guess we will polish this part as we improve the prior parts of the essay :-)

Research Papers / Canadian education - My aim in study [8]

Rupy, your essay is too long and offers too much unnecessary information. This is an essay that should only be 5 paragraphs long. Here is a format by which you can write this essay for your reference:

1. Think about the reasons that you want to study in Canada, list them down in order to importance.
2. Pick the top 5 reasons. Add more information about each reason that will help defend your choice of a Canadian education.
3. Outline the essay per topic.
4. Develop your introductory paragraph based upon the collective reasons your listed down. Give a rundown of the reasons you want attend a Canadian school.
5. Develop your concluding paragraph by explaining how the Canadian education will help you further advance your career.

That is the guide question for the basic essay. Now, tell me if you are writing an application letter for a masters education. If you are, then that is a totally new set of instructions :-)

Undergraduate / It was supposed to be a calm evening. Nightmare in Yosemite. [5]

Bob, this essay does not work to answer the prompt mainly because you did not mature through the experience. There was no right of passage because you were found by a park ranger after your worried family asked the park personnel to look for their missing child. You did not have to take responsibility for anything in this instance because there were no repercussions for you. It would have been a different case if you had survived a bobcat attack alone, with no help to be found. That would be a true right of passage and mark of adulthood.

There was nothing in this essay that marked your transition to adulthood. You need to go back and find another event that happened in your life that would better describe such an event. Try to recall such an event in your life. I am sure something along those lines exist for you. This park story just isn't the one that you should use because you got lost and were found by someone else. If you found your family using other means, that did not require the help of a park ranger, then the essay may have worked better for you.

Writing Feedback / I love science because I'm curious. Engineering Essay Template. [8]

I am not asking you to lie in your essay. I am asking you to choose the one topic in your essay that will allow you to discuss your desire to become an engineer instead of 3 topics all at once, most of which are not related to the prompt you are trying to answer. Let me give you a starting point for your essay. Use the following paragraph as the basis of the theme and content. Use this actual paragraph as your introduction.


This will get you on track to explaining why you want to study engineering. Since it is supposed to be a generalized template, try to stick with only 5 paragraphs maximum since there will be other common app essays that you will need to write that will allow you to further reveal yourself as a student to the admissions officer. Develop the aforementioned paragraph and you will see that it will become easier for you to explain why you want to study engineering. If you hit a wall, come to us for advice. We will help you poke a hole into the wall :-)

Undergraduate / "Oh, those kids always misbehave. They're really obnoxious" - MSU essay [4]

Joshua, it is definitely reading more like a novel than an essay. I suggest that you go back to the drawing board for this essay. Try to limit the use of direct dialogue since this is not a creative writing assignment. Just talk about the experience that you had. This is one time that you should simply tell and not show in the essay. If you continue to use dialogue, you will end up with pages upon pages of words that will depict something that you could have simply related to the reader in a concise but creative form. Try to write the essay from another angle. Describe it to us, bring us into the world. Don't use dialogue. Use your emotions and logic instead. Remember, you need to deliver your answer to the admissions officer before you lose his attention, in this current form, you are sure to lose his attention and your chance for consideration in the process. If you would kindly revise the essay, we can work with you in improving it or helping you to get the essay to a place where you will be comfortable with the results of your hard work :-)

Undergraduate / My mother came to me in a dream - University of Kentucky [2]

Alexis, it would seem that although you are presenting a creative story, and that is what it is, a story, it does not feel like a real event like Joshua said, you have not made any point that allows you present an obstacle or challenge in your life. Unless your mother's death caused you to fail in school or affected you negatively and you are willing to discuss that in your essay, then you chose the wrong topic to discuss. An obstacle would be racial discrimination, lack of funds to achieve a dream or ambition and still being accomplish what you want to, or even failing to do something because you were not prepared to do it and then eventually succeeding in it after trying numerous times. This essay is currently an exercise in creative writing and nothing more. I suggest you reflect on the challenges you have faced in your life and choose one of those experiences to discuss in the essay provided it is a true challenge or obstacle that you had to overcome.

Writing Feedback / "My friend, Angel" An essay about how I thought of her from day one until now [5]

Cath, I will be offer some grammatical error corrections with comments whenever possible :-) I might also show you a new treatment for your paragraphs that you can use as the basis of your revisions. Please take all of these into consideration as your revise your essay once again.

- At first I thought she was an introvert. The small yet graceful way she had of doing things made me believe that she had low self-confidence. She had an air of mystery about her, like there was a lot of thoughts circling in her heard. This was an idea that I carried with me throughout my sophomore year with her because we never had a chance to formally meet. We had difference groups of friends since I was new to the class. The next year, our Junior year, we had difference classes but we still saw each other and the mystery about what made this girl tick continued to grow for me.

- We had a chance to finally get to know each other during our Senior year. We had the same classes again and this time, though we sat at considerable distances from each other, the chance came for us to meet, get to know each other, and become friends thanks to our now mutual friends. I learned that she never liked speaking in front of many people. That was one of the first mysteries about her that I unlocked upon striking up a friendship with her. We were getting ready to attend college, and she said she wanted to go to Dentistry School, or maybe she could be a Special Education teacher. It turns out that I had her pegged wrong all along. She was not an introvert, she was just picky about her friends. She wanted true friendship, not the superficial kinds that high school relationships offered. Contrary to what I thought, she loved going to school and had goals that I never imagined for herself. She was an admirable person.

- Her name described her best -- Angel, a guardian from the heavens. She was honest and straightforward to a fault. She was reliable where I was not and yet, she never seemed to mind. She was my life saver, my angel. She pushed me to be the best i could be even as she helped me finish the work that I felt that I was not capable of doing. She demanded that I step out of my comfort zone because she believed in me, when I did not believe in myself. We both had out flaws and had opposite personalities, but we became best friends just the same, backing each other up when needed and supporting each other unconditionally. She was the Zen in my crazy academic life. She was the blessing that I needed in the chaotic world of my senior year in high school.

I really think that you should make your last paragraph your introductory paragraph because it has a hook that catches the attention of the reader and gives the perfect overview of the story that you will be telling in the essay.

Research Papers / Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello [7]

Chelsea, can you tell us what the common prompt you are trying to answer is? We need to know what question you are trying to respond to in order to properly review the essay. I believe that it has something to do with identity? Without knowing what the actual prompt is, I can offer only an overview of comments about the essay. I can't comment on the adherence to the prompt yet.

This is a very interesting essay that shows how your personality developed from your mixed race surroundings. The problem that I see is that you are using 2 stories to explain one point when you should be able to do it with just one. Instead of two stories, you should only use one story and develop the essay around that. That way you can concentrate on developing the theme and your response in the most applicable manner to the prompt :-) I can offer a more complete commentary and offer specific advice once i know what we are dealing with here :-)

Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Hi Nicole :-) Sorry about not getting back to you sooner. Errands got in the way. I like the information that you provided. You should actually use that for the introduction part of your essay. This explains what motivated you to look into the course offerings and learning programs at Rice University in relation to your Engineering major. Build your essay around the chats that you had with the student and remember to focus on how you felt as you heard these things. Relate how it motivated you to look up the university online and how you continued to fall in love with the academic and social community of Rice through your research and chats. This will be a unique perspective on how a person can actually be motivated by a virtual environment into learning about a real university and what it has to offer its students. I believe that it could actually set apart your essay from the others and make it notable to the admissions officer. Would you like to give it a try by writing your introduction? I will of course be here to assist you every step of the way. I won't go anywhere until you get it polished :-)

Undergraduate / This journey isn't a simple road trip that you sometimes get lost in - UF APPLICATION [5]

Caroline, you need to try to approach this essay from a different angle. Right now, your essay is dealing with your journey through life which is not the same as the definition of a good life. Try to write another essay based upon what you believe to be a good life and how happened for you. Some people use a quote from a book, a story from a movie n or tv show, or even an anecdote from a friend of relative. The good life is a journey, but it needs to be defined in order for it to have meaning and for others to understand why you define it a certain way. The prompt wants to measure your maturity level and understanding of life. Try to reflect that in your writing. Those are the reasons you need to revise the essay. Trust me, it will help your essay align properly with the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Usually, when someone describes "the good life", the first thing that comes to mind is money [2]

Mariana , I am not sure about how the story about attending the class your father taught helped add to your definition of the good life. You let us know about how attending the class helped you bond with him and decide about what you wanted to study in college and be in life but how did that improve or change the definition of the good life for you? Perhaps you should rethink that paragraph and decide how you can make it more connected and relevant to the essay prompt. Unless you make that connection, the statement becomes misplaced and irrelevant to the prompt.

Your definition of the good life as a child is solid and relevant. You should just develop that further based upon the changing our evolving definition of the good life for you as you have come to learn more about our world and the lives we lead. This will align more with your introductory statement about what the good life meant to you as a child.

Undergraduate / The moment I watched Professor Max Paul Friedman's Convocation Speech [2]

Lauren while you present very compelling reasons for wishing to attend American University because of the professors, your essay would be greatly helped by mentioning the specific classes and programs that the university offers which are aligned with your career goals and objectives. This will present a clear idea as to how and why you would be a perfect fit with their academy and student community. You need need to connect their university Midsession statement with your own goals if possible also. That will deliver a solid statement to the admission officer as well.

Undergraduate / I had the opportunity to watch a close friend of mine read her acceptance letter from Northwestern [5]

Gene, the reason you went over the word limit is because you mentioned watching your friend read her acceptance letter does not have any relevance to your choice of Northwestern as your own university. By deleting that portion you will gain an extra 14 words that you can use to further develop your essay. Just talk about the points that matter to you. I would suggest using the following as a template for your future revisions instead:

Beyond the regularities that quantify any top school- a diverse community, an accomplished staff, and an adept D1 athletic program - qualities like exposing students to real life applications as well as offering countless interns and job opportunities really sets Northwestern apart in my eyes. The prospect of spending weekends lying on the beautiful lake beaches or traveling to the great city of Chicago just adds on to the long list of great Northwestern qualities. Although my interests lie not in music, but in the McCormick School of Engineering, I still believe Northwestern is the perfect fit for me.

The first thing that attracts me to the School of engineering is the nationally and internationally recognized Design, Thinking and Communications class. The aspect that sets this course apart from any other first rate program is its focus on giving the students real world experience. Helping me develop communication and problem solving skills through real problems submitted by real clients is undoubtedly an invaluable experience that other universities cannot offer. Reading on how Sam Malin and other alumni have helped the community through projects such as developing prosthetic fitting solutions and designing low cost ventilation systems has inspired me to become a Northwestern engineer. I hope in the future I can take advantage of this opportunity to advance my intellectual prowess whilst solving some of the many dilemmas in society.

Being such a prestigious university, the Northwestern name has to compete with the likes of other top colleges in America. However, the real world experience McCormick exposes the students too, alongside numerous interns and job opportunities that awaits a Northwestern engineer is invaluable. These are among the reasons why I've decided to make Northwestern my number one.

The version I highlighted is 286 words, it gives you room to play around if you wish :-)

Research Papers / The 'King Kongs' - Caltech - Honor Code Essay [10]

Lean, I strongly advice that you use the first essay about the playground bullies. It more than answers the prompt because it depicts your strength of character and logical line of thinking. I would try to relate it in a more concise manner though so that you can still tell us about the end result of your actions on the bullies. What kind of reprimand did they get? That is a part of the essay that needs to be addressed. You can do that by shortening the story about how they acted in the playground. Right now, the essay is over the 200 word limit but I am refraining from editing it because of my advised revision. Should you choose to revise the essay, you need not worry about going over the word count, I will help you bring it down when necessary :-)

Writing Feedback / Sentiments about the upcoming university! [2]


- Is this a part of your introduction to the essay? Why was it attached to the essay prompt? Bring it down as a stand alone paragraph.


- There are numerous advantages to having a university near the community. It offers the students more time to rest before and after classes because of the less need for travel time to get to the university. This will reduce the anxiety and stress upon the students who often worry about making their classes on time. Students who attend nearby university's often have better grades because they can concentrate on their academics rather than worrying about travel time and losing time to work on projects and research because of the distance of the school from their homes.


- While the nearby university will benefit the students, it may also inconvenience the community we live in for a number of reasons. School campuses have been known to be high traffic places with plenty of noise pollution caused by the students and their on campus activities. Parking becomes an issue once the students have more cars and motorcycles than the university can provide parking for. The university will definitely cause a major adjustment to the once quiet and contented life of the community.


- Keeping these facts in mind when considering whether the new university should be built near our community or not, the public will have to consider the advantages to the students and the disadvantages to the community. Sure the kids will have more time to sleep and work their academic requirements, but the community life will be disrupted with constant noise and student activities as well.

Research Papers / Our city has abundance things to entertain - A new beginning [2]

Vns, let me show you a better structure for each paragraph that you wrote. You really need to familiarize yourself with the English language because you have a tendency to use certain words, such as tragically, in the wrong context. I will show you how to correct that as well :-)


- When my friend told me that he was planning to move to my city, I was ecstatic over the knowledge that i would have another friend closer to home than before. I knew that he would be very happy with this new beginning in his life and I wanted to make sure that he would greatly benefit from my experience of having lived in the town for quite some time already.I started by telling him all about the best qualities of what would soon be our city. I told him that public transportation was not a problem there, the residents are quiet people and it is not over crowded because not everyone who works in the city lives there. The place is quite safe and free from crime, and most importantly, the weather is perfect for enjoying the nearby beach and its amenities.


- As perfect as our city sounds, I made sure that he would know the drawbacks of living there as well in case he was planning on starting his family there. I mentioned the lack of schools and universities in close proximity to the city, which is why not many people live in our particular city. There is also a very small social circle of people living there so we tend to mingle amongst one another throughout our daily lives. Those however, are minor drawbacks when one considers the benefits of living there as the priority for making the decision to move to the city.

Do not use the word tragically in a sentence unless you are referring to a very sad life ending or altering event. The drawbacks of city living in this case is not dreadful, calamitous, or fatal and therefore cannot be considered a tragedy nor be referred to as tragic.

Undergraduate / I have got a Cornell Supplement essay - it need to be checked [4]

Jack, you discuss which ever game was harder for you to develop in order to better present your abilities as a computer programmer. If you feel that the other game will do that for you, then delete the reference to the Battleship game and then revise the essay to reflect only the discussion of the new game. The challenges that developing the other game presented to you will show the development of your critical thinking abilities and the way that you use computer coding in order to make it behave the way you need or want it to. The Battleship game was already in existence before you tinkered with it for your school project so there wasn't much you could have done to alter that program. Developing your own software game though, that shows talent, skill, and an advanced understanding of computer codes which is sure to make an impression of some sort on the reader.