Undergraduate / UW short essay - "race and culture at school" [5]

Your topic is, in general terms, the sort of thing you want to write about for this sort of essay, and your sentiments are certainly in keeping with the prevailing academic paradigm. However, if you want to stand out from all of the other applicants who will be submitting virtually identical pieces, you should definitely add some specifics, including, but not limited to, the boy's cultural background; his argument, if any, in support of his beliefs; and the main argument you and your peers used to change the boy's mind. You also might want to elaborate on what about the discussion made you uncomfortable, as well as how you overcame that discomfort (if in fact you did). And, of course, it would be helpful to know what understanding of others you gained, as well as what specific differences between cultures you came to appreciate.

Graduate / Entrance Essay - Master of Public Affairs [4]

You've done a great job writing this essay. The grammar is nearly flawless, and your style flows smoothly. I should point out, though, that despite being well-written, it still begins to grow a bit dull after awhile. I think this occurs mostly because, in many of your sentences, you use forms of "to be," especially "was," as the main verb far more often than you have to. For instance, "I was fully immersed in Thai culture; learning the language, befriending the villagers, and participating in local celebrations." could, with a bit of revision, become "Fully immersed in Thai culture, I soon began learning the language, befriending the villagers, and participating in local celebrations." I suggest you go through the essay and see how many instances of "to be" you can eliminate. Don't worry if you leave a few, though; even I couldn't write this whole paragraph without using at least one "is." :-)

Undergraduate / 'In love with the sky' - Main essay. Influential experience in ur life [21]

The problem with your initial draft is that your moving here has nothing to do, particularly, with your being a good listener. If you want to include that information, talk about how moving here helped you to become an even better listener, or about how being a good listener helped you adapt.

Undergraduate / VCU essay: "Education and Life: A Personal Statement." In this essay, discuss your educational goals [8]

In keeping with Kevin's suggestion, you might want to describe your artwork in more detail, and then explore the ways in which those pieces transcend linguistic barriers.

Essays / Essay on "GOOD DEED I HAVE DONE IN 2008" [12]

The essay at the moment seems to talk more about your general good behavior, rather than about a specific good deed. Try to think of a single act of kindness you can explain in detail, then elaborate on that. Remember, if you can't think of anything for 2008, you can always use one from 2007 or 2006 and just change the details a bit. Or, if you haven't done any good deeds, you are of course free to invent one.

Essays / Writing a term paper in a Rogerian style.. [4]

Well, I'd say you should post what you have got done already, so that we can read it and give you feedback on it. It is difficult to critique something we can't read.

Undergraduate / Colorado State University Admissions [4]

Hmmmmm . . . this one needs a lot of work. First, you manage to do a much better job of expressing all of your past negative qualities than you do any of your present good ones, which is the exact opposite of what you should hope to accomplish in this sort of essay. Then, you keep apologizing for not writing what you think the reader wants to hear. If you genuinely think the reader wants to hear something else, write that. If you have deliberately decided to go a different route, then don't apologize for it. What exactly is the prompt for this, anyway? "Is there something you feel you should explain?" "Tell us about a moving experience?" Whatever it is, to answer it you should decide which positive quality or qualities you want the reader to know about you, then dedicate the essay to conveying that message. Don't mention anything negative about yourself unless the prompt specifically asks you to do so, and even then, get it out of the way as quickly as possible in order to focus on what you have learned or how you have overcome it.

Writing Feedback / Odyssey essay; 'Sure God created man before woman...' [6]

Okay, the first thing I notice is that this essay doesn't contain a single quotation from the Odyssey. This means you cannot possibly have proven your points, and that the essay must in fact be horribly weak. So, your first step towards improving this essay is to go through the Odyssey selecting passages that prove that A) women were undervalued in Greek culture. B) Penelope possesses the heroic qualities you mention in your introduction, and C) this means that Penelope can be used as an example of how women can be the equals or superiors of men. Then, you would work these quotations into your essay, or, to be more precise, you would write your essay around the quotations, which are essentially all of the evidence you have to prove your argument with. Then, of course, you would post your new draft here, for further feedback.

Undergraduate / FSU essay ("traditions and customs that have become a part of my life") [11]

Actually, I find I normally get 350 words per page using standard formatting in Microsoft Word, and this is considerably more than most people expect who were raised B.C. (Before Computers). They generally work from a 250 word/page standard, which would make 500 words two pages. However, Constance is right, five paragraphs at 100 words each is going to result in very short-looking paragraphs.

Undergraduate / I want to be an architect! / Pratt Institute [4]

I'd say you could probably eliminate most of paragraphs 1 and 5, neither of which add much to your main point, namely that Pratt is a great school for you. The rest of the essay is very thoughtful, and does a much better job of answering "Why X?" than most of the application essays I've read on here. Some grammatical points:

"a very impressive accomplishment considering the number of architecture schools in America"

"I'm starting to settle for only my best. "

Essays / community development practice undergraduate [6]

Jane Jacobs comes to mind.

Essays / Very confused on my Thesis statement. AP Euro History class [7]

Trojan's revision is strong, but highlights the fact that you really only have two points, instead of three as the assignment asks for. Perhaps non-enlightened scientists and traditional women had different reasons for disapproving that you could highlight in your thesis statement?

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Sig. Experience (Lego League) [8]

A few grammatical pointers:

Avoid run-on sentences. Also, avoid unnecessarywordiness. So, "An old and fatherly man asked. I wrote it down without hesitation.

Make sure you are using the correct tense: "Chinese calligraphy is the quintessence of Chinese culture which has existed for thousands of years

Try to make sure your sentences are grammatically clear. Sometimes, you have to use a few more words to express yourself if your ideas are complicated. "Sharing with another when you have an apple halves your share of the apple but doubles the happiness it brings.

Graduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR CHINAMANO ELWIN TINASHE- [4]

Just more of the same sort of thing I mentioned before. So, "My plan is to engage in full time research activities and experimental work, which will hopefully result in the solving of some well known environmental problems as well as introducing innovations that will lead toward the integration of environmental management in the planning of developmental activities." Researching what, exactly? Solving which environmental problems? What sort of innovations?

Undergraduate / Common Apps Short Question- 'A community service experience' [10]

That's what I love about the English language -- there are always new words to be discovered.

Undergraduate / Michigan Essays (diversity, economics, setback) [9]

Actually, I wasn't suggesting you be more concise to cut down on the word counts. I was suggesting you be more concise because conciseness itself is generally considered a stylistic virtue.

Essays / Very confused on my Thesis statement. AP Euro History class [7]

One issue you face here also is that you need three points, but really only have two. There are positive attitudes and negative ones. You separate the positive ones into two separate groups (female scientists and enlightened intellectuals) but you don't do this for the negative ones (conservative thinkers and traditional women), so that the divisions seem unsatisfying. Perhaps you could mention specific distinctions between the attitudes of female scientists and enlightened intellectuals? Or think of a group that remained relatively neutral?

Undergraduate / FSU essay ("traditions and customs that have become a part of my life") [11]

Kevin's right -- transforming this into a five paragraph essay in which each body paragraph deals with one of the three main concepts would definitely make it stronger. Alternatively, you could pick just one of the three terms and expand on it greatly, but that would require more rewriting.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement, taking pictures as my hobby. [8]

Also, when working on the transitions, you may want to use them to emphasize that the essay is really about what you have learned from photography, rather than about the nature of photography (though the two ideas are obviously linked).

Essays / Allusion. Film as lit class [8]

No problem. If you post the section of your your script in which you make the allusion, people might be able to give you even more feedback.

Undergraduate / Pratt Undergraduate Admissions Essay ("left America to live in Hong Kong") [8]

You current length seems fine, in the absence of any stated word count in the prompt. If you just add to it without condensing the irrelevant material (howsoever well-written it may currently be) then it will begin to get a bit too long.

Undergraduate / "From Bolivia" - American University Essay [10]

Your writing is fairly solid, and your involvement in American politics is certainly admirable, and a great topic for an admissions essay. However, you might need to tweak the logic of the essay a bit. At the moment, it goes like this:

You realize you cannot go to university unless the law changes.
You advocate for the passing of a bill that would remedy this situation.
The bill is not passed.
You plan to keep advocating for the bill as a university student.

This doesn't make sense as it stands. Perhaps there are other details you should include in your essay? On an unrelated note: "We wrote a letter to our local representative in the House, and our two Virginia Senators, proclaiming our support for the DREAM Act."

Undergraduate / why you are considering Rhodes College? [4]

A few more grammatical fixes:

"The harder the problems are, the more excited I am to figure them out"

"I became one of the top five students in the final examinations."

"I've received a lot of thanks"

Undergraduate / U of Washington essay-"my great-grandfather was executed..." [5]

Overall, a very well-written essay. Some tips:

"he was unable to find a sustaining job," "Sustaining" sounds a bit jarring here.

"the furniture in our basement-level apartment was comprised completely of throwaways recovered from the dumpster. "

"it nurtured in me a pride for my individuality, an inquiring disposition, and a penchant for independent learning" Don't capitalize after a semi-colon. Do use a comma before the "and" that introduces the last item on the list.

Undergraduate / I want to be an architect! / Pratt Institute [4]

What exactly is the prompt you are answering here? If it specifically asks you to explain adverse circumstances/poor grades/other factors you think the admissions people should know about, then the essay is good as is. Otherwise, then you most certainly should not talk about your bad grades. Never draw attention to any weaknesses in your application in any of your essays if you can avoid it, unless the essay is specifically meant to address them. The only exception would be if Pratt doesn't give you a specific prompt that allows you to do that, and you feel you absolutely need to explain a weakness in one of the other prompts.

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

It's difficult to tell one way or the other, but I'd say that they probably will at least consider your application.

Undergraduate / "I should have been dead." I've been poisoned. Attacked with blurred vision and slurred tongue... [3]

You might want to give a bit more background about how you ended up in the hospital. Not necessarily at the very beginning of your essay -- starting in media res is a great technique for hooking your readers, but at some point the reader needs to know the context of the incident if he/she is to understand what you learned from it. For instance, if it happened when you were six and tried drinking rubbing alcohol, the story is materially different than if it happened when you twelve and discovered your father's liquor cabinet, which is again different than if it happened when you were 19 and out binge drinking with friends. Your thoughts as you were lying in the hospital seem to indicate that you were older at the time, but some background would make it easier to see what lessons you might have drawn from the experience.

Undergraduate / my admission essay ("Landscape painting") [4]

It might strengthen your essay if you could not only talk about the different things you learned from each style of painting, but also how you were able to integrate them (if you did) into your own unique style.

Undergraduate / 'the vast resources' - Why UPS short answer [8]

Actually, I'd say both of the first two paragraphs could be cut/condensed, as neither really works to answer the question of Why UPS? The first one deals more with the topic of "why Asian studies?" which you go on to admit you could study at many other universities. The second paragraph just outlines general criteria that you employed when looking for a university, criteria which you likewise admit fit many other universities.

Undergraduate / Pratt Undergraduate Admissions Essay ("left America to live in Hong Kong") [8]

It is a very well-written essay. However, it is also completely off topic. Only in the last paragraph do you mention why you want to attend Pratt. You don't really talk at all about what you hope to gain from your education. You sort of hint at a vision of education in your second-to-last paragraph, but the prompt asks you to talk about it explicitly. I'd condense the first three paragraphs into one short anecdote about your father's teaching you to pay attention to small details, then expand on the second to last paragraph, talking explicitly about how you hope education will make you better able to find the importance in such minutiae. Then write a lot more about how Pratt specifically will help you learn this.

Undergraduate / Teacher of influence essay [6]

A specific anecdote showing how Glennon showed inspirational passion in the classroom would make this essay much more interesting. Maybe you could recount a time when he was able to motivate students to take an interest in a topic that they would normally find dull.

Writing Feedback / Internet has given people access to information; we can't live easily without [3]

Beyond the advice you've already been given, you should revise "With the development of Technology, people have chance to approach with more and more modern technique, especially Internet" to use a better verb than "approach," which raises the question, approach what? Maybe you could go with something like "With the development of modern technologies, people have chance to gather information using more and more modern techniques and tools, especially the Internet"

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Sig. Experience (Lego League) [8]

When you are revising for your second draft, ask yourself what you want this essay to tell the reader about you. then eliminate any details that don't further that goal.

Essays / Allusion. Film as lit class [8]

An obvious allusion might be to the Matrix, which is another movie that takes place in the movie and deals with issues of free will. If you want a real-life, historical personage, you could allude to Augustine, who also talks about free will. There are numerous historical events you might also allude to, depending on the context of any given conversation within your movie.

Writing Feedback / writing technique advices for the essay " regular and election days" [8]

Hmmmm . . . in that case, I'd use the similarities as part of the introduction, then summarize the three differences, and dedicate a paragraph to talking in depth about each one. In other words, "In some ways, an election day is just like a regular one. For instance, . . . . However, the two days do have some significant differences. [Insert List Here]"

Essays / Including a Chronology in a Term Paper, According to Chicago Style [4]

I'm guessing you could just go with the appendix sans chronology, but if you are really worried about it, I'd suggest asking whomever it is you'll be handing the essay in to at the end.

Essays / Essay question: Why do People Buy? [6]

I think you need to make your question more specific. Why do people buy instead of bartering or instead of being self-sufficient? The answer to that question lies in the power of divided labor and the convenience of having an agreed upon medium of exchange that is easily portable. Given that, why do people buy food, clothing, shelter? Well, because they need to in order to survive. Why do they buy things that are not necessary? Well, that's a more difficult question, with multiple answers depending upon what items are being considered. You could also be asking how people decided what things to buy, which is again a very different question from the others. So, what are you asking, exactly?

Essays / essay question on national theatre and somerset house??? [3]

You might start your preparation for this essay, once you have done some research, by making a list of the obvious differences between the designs of the two places, and then see if any sort of patterns emerge that you can talk about.

Essays / Ethical dilemma experienced, essay ideas needed [10]

Think about times when you had a difficult moral decision to make, where you had two or more alternatives that both/all seemed ethically wrong. Alternatively, you could simply think of a time when you were strongly tempted to do something you knew was wrong.

Essays / Very confused on my Thesis statement. AP Euro History class [7]

During the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries some women began to break social norms as they ventured into the world of the sciences,"

As for the rest, "and these women were met with a whirlwind of conflicting attitudes; the attitudes from enlightened intellectuals were positive, and as were the attitudes from fellow women scientists; but, attitudes from non-enlightened scientists and traditional women were negative and filled with discontent." I suggest you rephrase, stating all three groups and their attitudes in parallel form.