Undergraduate / Personal Narrative, Background story; Undergraduate Admissions [4]

Tempestx, you have provided a very nice personal statement about your personal and academic motivations for your college studies. But that is not the topic of the prompt. What you need to provide in answer to it is a story or situation that you found yourself in that helped you become the person you are today. This is not about the story of your parents and how they saved to send you to school. Neither is this a statement of purpose for Biomedical Engineering school. This is an essay that wants to get to know you as the unique individual that you are. All the information that you stated about yourself here can be learned by the admissions officer by reading the other app essays that are part and parcel of your student application documents.

So talk abut yourself in a unique manner. If you have a talent or skill that you feel will help you become a better college student, tell them about it and talk about how it has helped you become a better person. Pick a central identity story that will help describe who you are as a person. Not as a student or a son/daughter. Do you have an interesting point of view on a certain matter that you feel helped develop your personality? Talk about it in this essay.

The best suggestion I can give you is this, look at the topics provided for the essays in the application. Write about whatever is not covered in the essay prompts that relates to your development as a person. This will be the important background story that you have to tell. It can even be about your struggle to fit into the American educational system when you first arrived and how you finally found your niche in the system even with the obstacles in your path.This is the only way you can properly address the essay prompt.

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

Why thanks IHaile, that is so sweet of you to say :-) I have a few more tweaks for you to consider.


- ... and push them to do their best and be the best that they can be ...


- ... and be willing to have her actions and decisions judged by her peers.



- ... their organization .


- ...can't wait. Becoming a Marine will be the culmination of all my life experiences. Everything that I have done in the past has led and prepared me for this point in my life. I believe...

I tried to add thoughts that would continuously highlight your leadership abilities and potential. I hope it works for you :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Diesel, you are free to revise the essay any number of times that you wish to. However, I advice that you do it under time constraint in order to replicate the TOEFL time pressure essay test. You already know what my comments are about the general essay but until you remember to share the prompt or question the essay is asking you to answer,we will not be able to fully guide you in writing or revising this essay. So please remember to post the prompt alongside the new version of the essay that you will be posting in this thread.

Go ahead and write up a new essay based on your new ideas. We can compare the two versions and combine the best of both in order to develop a strong essay for you. That is, if the need to do so arises. Whatever version you come up with next will still be a draft until you say it is your final version anyway :-) So don't let yourself be held back. Revise the essay the way you see fit, we will be here to guide you whenever you need us :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 2: children should take formal training to become good parents [5]

Lourance, I agree with your statement that children should concentrate on their education rather than becoming good parents through school training. Sadly, your discussion of the matter is not only confusing, but the information you provide as evidence is questionable.

You failed to consider that at a certain point, sexual curiosity will set in for them and experimentation can lead to unexpected pregnancies. So perhaps, you should slant this essay instead to say children should concentrate on their education but the teenagers, who are still children themselves, but are already enrolled in mandatory sex education classes, should be trained to become good parents just in case.

There are two sides to this issue, the children, and the teenager side. The children side does not need the training to become parents. The soon to be sexually active or already sexually active teens need this kind of training however, in order to drive home the point of their sex education and responsible sex lessons. You say that the school is not the proper place to learn about becoming a good parent. Yet you do not mention where you think such training can and should be obtained? Is this something that you believe parents should hand down to their children like a family heirloom? Or should they simply learn by experience after the unexpected pregnancy?

Try revising the essay using the point of view and information I suggested then compare the two papers. Observe which has the better argument then post it here for more reviews :-)

Scholarship / I hope to bring a new perspective to the men and women that I meet through the Marines. [5]

Coming in with 1856 characters, you still have room for further statement development. So I suggest that you utilize the remaining word allowance to enhance the essay further. Is there anything else that you can say about your background experiences that might help to enhance your participation in the marines? How about a statement about sexual discrimination or the belief that women cannot perform as well as men in the military?

Perhaps you have experienced something in life that proves the level playing field for the genders? It would help bring a new perspective on the matter of women actively serving in the marines. That is a hot button topic among the military officers in general so I think a woman's perspective on the matter, based upon personal, non-military battle of the sexes, should bring a fresh perspective on the matter.

Whether you use the current essay form or add to its information is up to you. You make the final call. After all, this is your statement :-). If you feel comfortable with the essay in its current form then you should go with it :-) I'll be here to assist you regardless of your decision

Undergraduate / From paper origami to mechanical engineering - UPENN supplement [5]

I've got some suggestions to make. I hope you agree with them :-)


- My first serious exposure to the world of mechanical engineering was when I joined the...


- Explain how these interests will be further enhanced by the One University policy in your opinion. Talk about the sports you will participate in and the specific culture related classes you will be enrolling in and why. How will these help your development as a robotic engineer in the future? This will give further credence to you statement that you will be taking courses all geared towards your interests aside from your major classes.

I hope I was able to help you with the problem areas you mentioned :-)

Writing Feedback / As a student I always prepared my own food - it is a considerably more expedient choice [4]


Gbekil, the only advice I can give you is to keep reading English materials and watching English films and shows. Familiarize yourself with the culture and environment. Understand their current events. By doing so, you will be able to develop personal opinions regarding matters affecting them. Be it pop culture or politics, everyone's opinion is important. These types of information will prepare you for any question that is thrown your way in terms of world events as well.

When it comes to the actual writing, you can practice by creating essay prompts for yourself. For example, watch a movie and then write an essay reviewing the movie. You set your own criteria and prompt, post it here and we will help you analyze what you did right or wrong and how to further develop that particular writing skill.

Write about anything that interests you. It does not matter if it is poetry or an academic paper. The only way to become proficient is to practice and seek advice from people who can guide you and help you develop your writing skills :-) People like the members of this forum and I can help you do that ;-)

Undergraduate / The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student [11]

Silverw, nice to have you back :-) Let's get back to work then.


- ... compassion. Sadly, I have also learned that we meet and deal with these types of people in our everyday lives.


-... Doctor Who once...


- I began writing to release my tension and anger at the bullies and I never ...


- Clarify what first form is for those who may not be familiar with it.


- Immersing myself...


- and I ...


- This deviates from the topic that you chose which is bullying and its effect on you.


- ... and I ...


Excellent topic development. I am confident that this paper will be ready for you soon :-) Your writing skills are fast developing ;-)

Undergraduate / Why would I go to USJ? They have the nutrition and dietetics program that I want to be in. [2]

-Avoid using word fillers such as your first sentence. Specially in a word limited statement such as this. The main focus of your statement should be on the nutrition and dietetics program since that is the reason you chose to attend USJ. Expand upon that criteria and explain how the smaller school size is something that can help your learning process. Briefly discuss your understanding of the social life at USJ and how you feel it will relate to your learning process. There is no need to mention your other relatives. This all about your personal reason and logical reasons for attending, nepotism aside. The admissions officer will find that out in your other app forms.

Scholarship / I hope to bring a new perspective to the men and women that I meet through the Marines. [5]

IHaile, the narrative that you wrote is quite strong, However, I am unable to judge whether the information contained suits the essay prompt you were provided because you forgot to share it with us. We need to know what the question you are answering is so that we can properly guide the development of your paper. In the meantime, I can offer you a generalized review of the paper that may change based upon the prompt you are expected to provide.


- ... uncomfortable around them.


- As a future marine, you should never admit to having an Achilles Heel, which is the intimidation of men in this case.


- This led to a ...


- ... in a project... gave me...


- This is the unique perspective I can bring to the Marines.

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

I spotted a few portions where we can add important information.


- As participant at Girls State, I learned that one must be willing to put herself... Instead, I made myself available to everyone who needed me by getting to know the other girls and listening to their problems and making appropriate suggestions to help them as we shared our lunch meals.


\
- Why did you have to do it alone? A short explanation will suffice.


- You need to explain the basis of your participation in these organizations for the sake of those unfamiliar with them. Short overviews, nothing complex.
Don't worry about going over the character count at this time. We can shorten the statements without affecting your message in the paragraph after :-)

Undergraduate / "Politics and Sexuality" - Common Application [3]

"Queer" as a word used to describe who you are just does not seem politically correct in a word of open acceptance, regardless of sexual orientation. While I understand it is the umbrella term used to represent lesbians, there is no reason for you to not use the actual term that describes your gender. to be truly proud and out, you should be able to use the term to describe yourself. So don't hide behind "queer", those who don't know that it is an umbrella term may just think of you as peculiar or strange. Which is what the traditional meaning of the word is. The LGBT community is accepted openly now, be proud and stand tall, even in an essay. Don't consider your family, the actual term is who you are and they should not be ashamed of that.


- ... salted to the high heavens .


- What is the reasoning behind eating in the kitchen during holidays? That would help us better understand the culture and mindset that your family comes from and that you are trying to break out of.



-Their response,


- Why don't you stand up for yourself to your family?



- Explain why you had to learn by reading books that were not used in school or recommended reading for your age. Autodidacts are fascinating self learners :-) Highlight it .


- So, what do you see your future as becoming after emancipating from your family via college?
This is an essay that you obviously placed great thought into developing. I hope my suggestions and comments can help you make it even stronger :-)

Writing Feedback / Naturtint vs. Tom's of Maine - Compare and Contrast 2 advertisements [4]

A few more suggestions to polish the essay :-)


- that made Tom's...


-... scene for the product.



- freedom, openness, and peace


- Why do you think they designed the ad that way?Explain your theory since you explained something similar for Tom's.


- ... to highlight its strengths by using general statements that entice...


-... understand. Thus rendering the ad wording ill-effective.



- While the Naturtint... uses the red lipstick... to promote dyeing hair which is a contradiction in terms of its root word nature, which is used in the ad.


- geared towards women

Undergraduate / From paper origami to mechanical engineering - UPENN supplement [5]

You need to revise the essay in such a manner that the prompt is immediately answered in the first paragraph. I suggest using the following statement from you:


Then you can follow it up with the following:



From there you can move on to:


Finally, you can now write a more suitable conclusion that praises the One University policy of the school and how you look forward to fully utilizing the unique opportunity the university is offering you as a student.

I know it looks difficult right now because you are being asked to revise the essay. However, you only need to move the paragraphs around this time in the format that I suggested. Totally drop the origami reference at the beginning because it does not really connect with the theme of the paper. One you get the new version's theme settled, we can work on revising the grammar issues of the paper :-)

Writing Feedback / As a student I always prepared my own food - it is a considerably more expedient choice [4]

gbekil, your point of view regarding the topic is strong but needs to be improved in its presentation. I have revised your essay in blue text to show my suggested versions. You can base a the revised version of your essay on those.

- gbekil, this particular paragraph does not work well as an introduction because you failed to state the essay prompt prior to giving us an overview of the topic and your personal opinion on the matter. It will serve you well to revise this part to reflect the missing sections.

- Eating at home is cheaper than dining out. Groceries offer affordable meal options that one can easily cook based on a selection of vegetables and proteins. At the time I lived in Istanbul, I had a limited food budget that did not allow me to eat out often, but it allowed me to buy nutritious food that I could have over 2-3 meals in a day or through the week. This offered me a great amount of monetary savings and allowed me to extend my food budget for a longer period.

- Food prepared at home are also more sanitized than those prepared in restaurants. If I prepare my own meal, I am sure it was prepared the right way and in a clean kitchen. As the television show "Restaurant Impossible" shows its viewers on a weekly basis, one can never be sure that his food is being prepared in a sanitary environment in the kitchen.Restaurant kitchens can sometimes be the breeding ground for bacteria and innumerable viruses.

- While we are on the topic of hygiene and health issues, it is important to note that restaurant food is not always healthy. It can be fatty, and filled with synthetic ingredients that will not help keep a person healthy. A friend of mine who always ate in restaurants actually gained more weight by constantly eating at restaurants. He lost weight as soon as he began eating healthy foods at home.


- Based upon these aforementioned reasons, I feel that eating at home is the best choice for people who wish to remain healthy and avoid health hazards in their food. While there will always be a market for restaurant patrons, the attraction of savings and health issues will always make home cooked meals the healthier option in more ways than one.

Undergraduate / 'To me, a leader is someone who takes the first step into the unknown while others wait and watch' [4]

Varad, go to the Virginia Tech website, click on Housing and Residence Life. On the left hand side, you will see a run down of housing opportunities. You want to read about the Living Learning Communities. There are 4 options available. All of the housing communities available look for a particular type of student leader to be a member of the community. Review the requirements for the residents of the communities and then relate it to your vision of leadership and how it ties in with the Virginia Tech experience. The overview of the communities explain a little bit about the leadership roles that the student members are expected to participate in so it should help point you in the right direction with regards to the question of:


I believe it is worth a shot for you to read and consider. It just may help you focus on leadership and the conclusion of the essay. Consider instead that the essay asks you discuss leadership in terms of community participation. Something that one will not know about if you do not search the school website. Review the section I recommended and then write the essay based upon your understanding of the material in relation to the prompt. I believe that you will be amazed to see how totally different your new answer to the prompt will be from your first two versions :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; having purpose of life and being helpful as the main factors to achieve happiness [4]

My comments and suggestions are listed below :-)

-Your introduction needs some work. You need to restate the essay prompt, present an overview of the discussion, and then present your personal definition of what happiness is about. Don't forget to make it very clear that the whole point of view of the essay will come from your viewpoint. Once you have successfully done that, you will be able to move on to the body of your essay.


- ... standard of happiness .



- Keep the essay tight. Your paragraph discussion already works without examples.


- ... that your life goal is simply to have a lot of money .

- Yet, there are some people who believe that a happy family life and good health is worth more than money. A good and happy family life can never be replaced by any amount of money. Good health cannot be replaced by money either. As the saying goes "Health is wealth". Without good health, a person will not be able to experience a happy and fulfilled family life.

- It is difficult to qualify what a person would use to describe happiness. People all have different ideas about being happy. So there are also different factors to consider when describing the important factors that help one achieve happiness. Happiness is having a direction in life. Happiness means creating goals that will result in your happiness. Goals such as better salaries and a safe place to live are sure to bring about happiness in a person.

- You can't state a new point of view, specially your own in the conclusion. So you have to better develop this portion into a full paragraph then write the conclusion based on the preset criteria of a restated prompt. summary, and point of view.

Undergraduate / Bright lights, sweaty palms and shaky knees - UC essay about bullying and racism [2]

Kimberly, While you present a very touching essay that relates to your personal experience, it is hard to reconcile its content with the essay prompt you provided. There was nothing significant in the two stories that you told that would reflect


If you are talking about overcoming bullying and racism, then you should discuss how you overcame that challenge rather than telling two different stories, one about your friend, and the other about you. This essay should be all about you and no one else. You make reference to being bullied during your campaign. What was the outcome of the election? Did you win? If you did, how did it affect you in terms of bullying and racism afterwards? If you did not, how did the treatment of your classmates change or not change towards you? How did you handle the situation? Are you proud of the way you handled it? You have to adjust the content of the essay to better suit the requirements of the prompts that you were asked to answer. Make sure that you highlight why this accomplishment or quality makes you proud of the person you have become. Yes, you need to write a new essay from scratch in order to satisfy the prompt. Don't be afraid though, we are here to assist / guide you every step of the revision way :-)

Undergraduate / What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military? [8]

Some last minute changes. Just simple revisions. Nothing major :-)


- use the plural form, citizens.


Apply these corrections and, I believe, that the essay is now good to go. Don't take my word for it though :-) If you feel comfortable with the essay and strongly believe that there is nothing else you want to add or improve upon, then go ahead and submit it :-) Good luck with your application!

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

IHaile, I have some suggestions and revision markings for you to accomplish in the new version of your essay. It is getting polished. You write well so with proper guidance, only a few more tweaks will be required (if at all) before this paper will be ready for submission :-)


- I would like to suggest changing a part of this paragraph. " The thought of continuing my education would have been laughable. When I inquired at the Marine Officer recruiting office about the possibility of signing up, I was informed that not only could I sign up, but I could continue my education as well. That was all I needed to hear. The Marine Officer School would be the best of both worlds for me. I would get to serve my country and receive the equivalent of a college degree at the end of my schooling." I just felt a need to merge the two separate sentences into one thought that would create a strong impression of you as a future officer.

To succeed at Girls State, you had to be willing to put yourself out there for people to see.

- You should explain what Girls State is all about just in case the admissions officer is not familiar with the program. A quick explanation will do.


- The prompt states that you have to be very specific about this part. So mention a few and include the leadership lessons and other lessons that you learned from the experience.


- .. ever done ...

Undergraduate / What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military? [8]

America, you have improved this essay immensely. I just have a few more suggestions relating to revisions to make below.



- even American citizens are suspect.


- How about talking about the responsibility of natural born leaders to help keep the United States and other countries safe from terrorism? You said so yourself, you are a natural born leader. Insert this discussion as part of the introduction. That way you clearly state the reason for your motivation to attend the service academy and your career plans. The motivation? Natural born leaders should do their part in leading the soldiers of the country towards the complete defeat of terrorism domestically and internationally. This not only proves patriotism, but that natural born leaders recognizes that without proper leadership, no military force can defeat an unseen enemy. Do you want to try that and see if we can make it fit the prompt?

Aside from those few notes and suggestions, the essay is looking good. I believe it will only look better once the suggestions have been applied :-)

Undergraduate / What is the "good life"? UF Admission Essay [3]


- This is a weak introduction. You should use the second paragraph as your introduction because it immediately defines what you think the good life it.


- Add something to the end of the paragraph to clarify that this is your definition of the good life. Something along the lines of "I began to realize that the "good life" is not defined by the amount of money a person has but rather, the happiness that he derives from the simple things in life.Maybe, the "good life" could be as simple as having good health." This will be the transition sentence that leads us into the seizure of your brother.Start his story in a new paragraph.


-... what I could do to possibly help.When it stopped, my brother just lay there, seemingly dead. Then he slowly moved his eyes and regained consciousness. Fearing that my brother had died opened my eyes to the delicateness of life. That was when I came to understand that living in general...


- My graduate experience... Instead, the university will prepare...
This is a carefully thought out an developed essay. Aside from the few changes I suggested, it would seem that the essay is already the best that it can be. It is specially impressive that you knew that you could answer the essay in an opposite manner and yet still deliver the required answer of the prompt. That is a very creative idea :-)

Undergraduate / 'To me, a leader is someone who takes the first step into the unknown while others wait and watch' [4]

Varad, there is plenty of room for improvement in your essay. Content wise, there are some questions and ideas that you need to further develop. You have only 188 words right now. Since I am requesting you to delete certain irrelevant portions, you will have even more word count to play in while you develop the essay further :-) I have also left you with some guide questions that are geared towards improving the information within your essay.


- Using what facilities or learning opportunities at Virginia Tech? Let us know how you plan to utilize the resources of the university.


- This statement only takes away from your word count. It does not help to advance the essay.


- Mention one of the notable programs or internships that is of particular interest to you and explain how you feel your participation in the program will help you expand your knowledge and eventually, have an impact on world health issues.


- Don't you mean scientific questions of today? Scientific trends tends to mean that answers have already been found and the science is being further developed.


- The admissions officer already knows that. Try to avoid word fillers. Every word counts towards better expressing and explaining yourself.


- How do you expect that to happen? What do you expect to learn while at Virginia Tech? Is there any professor or doctor in particular that you look forward to having as a mentor in the future? Such references show the kind of medical field you are interested in and may be successful in once you graduate from medical school.

Let's develop the essay content first and fix the grammar and sentence structure problems later :-)

Writing Feedback / Do you want do everything by your own hand without expecting to rely on somebody? Work on your own! [7]

Vns, you did a very good job on this essay. So let me just help you with the grammar problems. Since the essay prompt clearly states that you don't need to state your opinion, it will be very easy to revise or edit this essay whenever necessary :-)


- It is important to recognize that working with partners when establishing a business is quite necessary. That is why one cannot escape the bureaucracy in a work environment. It does not matter if you have different ides or conflicts, you need to learn to work together. Therefore, the argument that says one can avoid bureaucracy immediately after setting up a business is flawed.


- You should present evidence of the inconvenience of working for yourself. Something along the lines of having to multitask in various positions or the uncertainty of income should work.

- ... To illustrate, as a the only employee of the company, you cannot afford to take a sick day, or a day off in the middle of the work week because nobody will be there to pick up the slack or be responsible at the office. Since employees cannot help but get sick or feel like taking a day off, the statistics showing that 75% of new companies fail within six months of its establishment may have merits.


- Working for yourself also has drawbacks in terms of employee benefits. Insurance becomes more expensive because you have to pay the total coverage expense out of your own income and social security coverage fees are also limited by your personal earnings. So it is still better to be employed in more ways than one. Specially when your social security and insurance costs are covered by employee- employer payment shares. It would seem that the reading passage stating that working for yourself is a good thing has not considered all of the important factors that makes is beneficial to be regularly employed by someone else.


- All things considered, all factors point to the fact that working for yourself is not better than working for an employer. You have to do everything by yourself and cannot expect a helping hand when you need one. Your employee benefits are almost non-existent because you have to pay out of pocket for your coverage, raising the costs immensely. None of these problems exist for people who are employed by others.

Feel free to run with my version if you think you can work with it or use it :-)

Undergraduate / 'I hope to self-design a major which would involve psychology, theatre and languages' [2]

Flora, with 831 words, you are definitely over the word count. I see a problem with your essay though. At first glance, it seems that only the introduction answers the essay prompt. The rest of it, deviates from the prompt. So I am offering some comments and suggestions to help you align your essay with the prompt. Find my suggestions and comments below:


- Once I am accepted into the University of Paris, I will be able to self design a major involving psychology, theater, and languages. I believe that because of my unique interests and major, I will be a more than colorful and interesting addition to the student community.

Sadly, the above paragraph is the only part of your essay that gives a real reason for your wish to transfer to the American University of Paris. The rest of your essay is an emotional and informative personal statement. It does not address specific reasons that you wish to transfer to the university. Your interest in self-designing a major should be the focus of your essay. This should be the main reason that you want to transfer to the university. I hope that you can revise the essay and build it around the self-designed major topic. That will truly answer the essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / Do you want do everything by your own hand without expecting to rely on somebody? Work on your own! [7]

Vns, I am always glad to be of help. I also take great joy in seeing your continuous improvement as a writer. However, I cannot take all the credit. You are the one doing the writing, I am just guiding your work :-) So keep up the good work :-) You know everyone here will be more than happy to continue guiding your development as a writer :-)

I am trying to load the video now. Hopefully it will load fast on my end :-) In the meantime, I hope you can consider my suggestion about needing to improve the content of your essay by using the compare and contrast method. A contrast essay normally finds itself accompanied by a comparison statement. So anytime you can revise the essay to contain the comparison part, just post the new version in this thread and we will help you out with the rest :-)

Before I forget, can you provide us with the essay prompt so that we can figure out if your statement is responding properly to the instructions of your professor? You know we can't effectively work without it :-) Looking forward to receiving the prompt next ;-)

Undergraduate / Beyond rankings, location, and athletics, why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech? [8]

I was able to bring your word count down to 126. See my version below and feel free to use it in its current form or as the basis of your next revised version :-)

I am a unique college bound student who is looking to attend a unique university. Georgia Tech, through its "Flipped Classroom" and "Problem Based Learning" classes resonates with me as a unique university where I can flourish because of its open teaching system. It is impossible for me to not learn far beyond my expected abilities because of the classes that are solely devoted to problem solving with instructors acting more as helpful tutors than know-it-all professors. This method of studying will offer me more time to to study and enjoy the social life at Georgia Tech. This unique social atmosphere will beg me to leave my comfort zone and seek self-improvement as I slowly learn to work hard and party hard in a balanced manner.

Writing Feedback / Do you want do everything by your own hand without expecting to rely on somebody? Work on your own! [7]

Vns, you will need to find a way to provide us with the links so we can watch the video and read the material for your essay. Since you cannot post links directly into the post, you should place that information in a separate file and upload it to the system. That way we can retrieve the links for a simple cut and paste action in our browsers. Over all though, you have written a very good essay. Your writing style has improved immensely and your grasp of the topic seems to be becoming clearer with every essay you write. At this point though, it is kind of hard to help you edit the content of your paper because we cannot access the files that can help us do that :-) I hope you can upload the separate file soon. Just make it a .doc file and we can just copy the url into our browser. The system automatically prevents us from accessing clickable links so you need to get around the system. Use the word dot where a . would be. We will know to just replace it with the actual punctuation sign :-) By the way, if you are writing a contrast essay, you should first mention what the comparison for the contrast will be based on. That is why it is normally called a compare and contrast essay. You cannot discuss contrasts without comparing it to something else :-)

Writing Feedback / Marijuana - what it is to you? Rough Draft Compare and Contrast [3]

You have a total of 2509 words. Now that is a lot of information to consider, edit, and revise without knowing what direction your paper is headed in. It would really help us sort out your essay if you provided the prompt as given by your professor. While your essay is highly informative, we will not be able to decide which portions can be edited, combined, or deleted as necessary. It is imperative that your word count be brought down from the existing number because this is simply too long to read. Were you provided with a word count for this essay? In essays that can run very long, such as this one, the professor normally gives a word count limit. In its current state, the professor may find this too long and cumbersome to read and simply not finish reading it. He could opt to just disregard reading the whole paper and grade you based soley on the first few paragraphs. It is quite possible to say more with less words. We just need to know how to help you achieve that. The essay prompt will be the guiding information that we need to accomplish that. At this point, it will be a futile exercise to edit this for content or grammar issues because the advice that you will be receiving will depend upon the requirements that your professor has specified in your essay instructions. So kindly post that prompt as soon as possible so we can get started with helping you adjust the paper accordingly :-)

Writing Feedback / All schools have got an aim to prepare their students to be a professional individual of the society [3]

Fareed, you need to divide the essay into paragraphs. One reason for every paragraph. Right now the essay is quite tight and confusing to read because the thoughts are strung together without any gaps to indicate when to expect a new thought or reasoning process. So you need to simply divide the essay by reason at this point. That said, I will now try to help you address the grammar problems of your paper.


- This is your first paragraph, your introduction.
- ... to be a professional in the service of his community.,, role in inspiring ... prepare them for a financially stable future .


- You should immediately merge this sentence with this paragraph to create the body of your essay: Then develop the statement further to give it a more solid basis.


The immediately merge and develop the following two paragraphs for your second paragraph. Don't forget to develop the evidence to support it:



The following will then be your final paragraph body, offer evident to support this as well:



Then finally, present your point of view, which is currently missing in the essay. Top it off with an effective conclusion that effectively presents the prompt again, gives an overview of the reasons supporting your stand, and finally, your personal opinion again.

We will of course work with you towards polishing the essay the minute the format is finalized. Your content and theme is already good. We can work together to make it even better :)

Undergraduate / The only activity that will someday really aid me in reaching my life goals is cheerleading [3]

Kassandra, you have spent too much time discussing your past as a cheerleader that you totally forgot to mention any future activities that can help you achieve your goal. The essay prompt is asking you to create a continuity connection between your past activities, and your future activities that might help you in achieving your end goal, which is completing veterinary school. You already know that vet school is just as challenging as med school. So you should find a way to connect the challenges of being a cheerleader with your expectations of how hard vet school will be and discuss how being a cheerleader gave you the experience to handle say , pressure filled situations where a lot is riding on your every movement and split second decisions.

After that, you should think of what your future extra curricular plans will be in college. Imagine what it will be like to say continue being a cheerleader while juggling the requirements of school. What lessons do you think you will learn from that kind of time management? How will it help you become a better student? Such scenarios are answer the type of prompt you were given. See if you can develop a new essay along those lines. We will be here to help you set it up :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, I am not sure what your prompt is this time around so I am not sure about how to respond to the content. Please tell me what your new prompt is so that I can review the essay based upon it. In the meantime, I'll work on the grammar portion for you.


- The time and where you arrived is not important here. What is important is what you did upon arriving.
- ... long journey as an exchange... Just before... watch the marching...


- Something I need an answer to in this paragraph, how did the band director know that you had weak skills? Did you try out for the band right there and then? Tell us about the experience so that you can ease us into the band director's reaction to your joining the band just the same.

- I had never seen a marching band perform before. Which is probably why I was mesmerized by the band formation and performance, even though it was just a rehearsal. The band director encourage me to join the band even though he knew I was not technically and could probably turn their performance into the worst student band performance in the history of American high schools. I decided to give it a try for curiosity's sake.

- Rather than telling us about Groundhog Day and how the band may have wanted to treat you, tell us instead about what made this job stressful. How did you perform on the first day? Also, saying "Yet, I was allowed to quit" indicates that you did a good job but still wanted to leave the band. A statement like that means the band wanted to keep you but accepted your decision to quit. There is nothing in the paragraph that indicates such a thing happened.

-You just managed to confuse me at this point. One minute you are talking about working with the sound system and now you are talking about playing the keyboard in the band. Which is it? You better create a transition paragraph for these two events otherwise the readers will get lost as to how the change in position happened for you.

- I am not sure how this fits into the overall theme of the essay because I do not know the prompt that you are using at this point. It just feels disconnected to the rest of the essay at the moment.

We are both going back to the drawing board! Let's see how my questions and revision instructions might help tighten the essay :-)

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak" - Tufts University supplement [3]

Danah, let me try and clean this up for you. See if it works :-)

- Coming from Saudi Arabia, I differ from the average American in the sense that I come from a more reserved culture. So I am not inclined to be warm to strangers by having small talk with them. Having come from a small private school in Saudi also limited my social skills and learning abilities because of the limitations that are placed upon female education in Saudi. I am a prim and proper person with the interests and curiosity of a child. Sometimes I feel that my social background and isolated upbringing ruined my chances to become a woman of substance. When I came to America though, I came to realize that I had not stagnated at all. I was merely hibernating until the chance to become a productive member of society, as America offered to me, became not only a possibility but a reality.

This has 144 words. I hope it works for you :-)

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]


- Can you expand upon this thought? Why didn't the idea of gaining success for yourself appeal to you as much as going into the service of your country? What was it that the recruiter said that cemented your choice of entering school to become a marine officer?


- You need to provide solid examples of how you provided leadership in these instances in order to provide evidence of your leadership skills.


- Again, examples are needed here to present your political leadership abilities which is an important trait of a military officer.


- This would be an excellent paragraph to present the obstacles you encountered and explain how you overcame them using leadership abilities.
With only 2500 characters to state your case, you should use more examples of your leadership abilities rather than simply giving generalized statements about it. The admissions officer needs to have an idea of the kind of leader you are. That is not very evident in your current statement.

Undergraduate / What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military? [8]

America, let's try some of my suggestions to improve the paper.


- Freedom comes at the cost of self-sacrifice. For our world to remain free, a few brave souls, the soldiers of freedom, the American soldier, put their lives on the line so that America and the rest of the world can remain free from the fear of terrorists. As Gen. Douglas McArthur once said...

- believe that by opening your essay this way, you answer the question posed.



- ... unborn child, a somber ...


- Good decision. When in doubt, you can always skip information. Specially if it is not truly required to complete the essay.


- Why do you want to become an officer? What makes it so special for you? Can't you do the same as simple a rank and file solider?


- Your mission is not clear. Do you want to be a follower or a leader? Your mission should only be one. Rather you should say "Enrolling in the academy will ensure that I will become one of the greatest military generals on the battlefront in the future." or something to that effect.

Can you try my revision suggestions and let me know if you are okay with it? I really think my suggestions will help but the final decision is yours.

Undergraduate / Caltech- "What are some quirky ways in which you have fun" [5]

Martin, this is a fantastic essay! Even with the grammatical errors that I will be correcting later, I have to say, your quirky way of having fun is something that can interest everyone, even those who are not very interested in science, but are interested in blowing things up :-) Excellent revision. You captured the essence of your essay in a remarkably engaging way. I could almost imagine myself in the space station. Then I find out it is just a game and I actually want to get a copy of it :-) Engaging, definitely! Fun?Fantastic fun! Quirky? You bet :-)


- The capsule fell in the midst...streaks , down to


I have done it !


- the world of the Kerbal...



- It's a place where I can let my imagination run free, creating unique scenario's where the risk factors and results are unknown. It is a place where a scientific mind can take calculated but controlled risks with a harmless outcome regardless of the dire results...

I hope my suggestions blend well into your essay from your point of view :-)

Undergraduate / Let your struggles become your motivation - Common App Prompt 1 Essay [4]

Could you tell us what the actual prompt is so that we have a guideline for reviewing your paper? Right now, this just feels like a creative writing exercise to the reader. So I will just review the paper in general rather than point by point for you.

While it is interesting to read all about your father's struggle to get the proper medical care and attention that he needed, and it was truly heartwarming to discover that you stood by him as a family during his trying time, I find that the essay is shallow in content because you never really explained to us how the medical struggles of your father relates to your motivation in life. This is a struggle that your father underwent. How did it affect you personally or academically? Why do you feel that this is your motivation to do well in life? Is it because your father still needs medical care and you want to finish your studies so you can get a job and help him get the care he needs? Or is there another reason? You need to make it clear in your essay. Also, there seems to be a disconnection between your opening statement and your motivation. Why did you need to promise to become someone in life? So you did not have to pass through these hardships? Which hardships in particular? Not having medical insurance?

You have a motivation to become somebody in life because of your family's financial and medical difficulties. But you never mention what those experiences have motivated you to do. How did it lead you to your career path? Were these the events that motivated you to choose that path? Informing the admission officer about those things will help him relate better to the narrative in your paper. Clarify those points in order to give your essay a theme and thesis. Right now, it is just a creative writing experiment that needs to be revised in order to better suit the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Kobe vs Lebron? Lebron James is still the King of this basketball planet; Contrast essay [5]

Gilchrist, your essay is composed of 781 words. It is way too long for a compare and contrast essay. Try to stay with a 500 maximum word count. The essay topic is not so complex that it will require the use of an in-depth analysis of the persons mentioned. You need to cut it down in order to keep the attention of the reader. Truth be told, the first time I saw the essay, I had not even started to read it yet, the first thing that I thought was "Woah! Too many words!" if this were submitted for a grade, it would fail due to the excessively and needlessly long discussion you have provided. The ordinary reader is hooked by short yet informative paragraphs. Not academic, journal length discussions of everyday topics. Yes, Kobe and LeBron are everyday topics, water cooler personalities so to speak. People talk about them in casual conversation, so extremely long analysis about them tend to bore the reader already.

When discussing a compare and contrast essay, you should always consider what topic is best to use for it. Choose the one thing that sports analysts always end up comparing between the two players and do your own comparison and contrast discussion of those traits or abilities. You don't need to do a play by play comparison of the players to produce an informative essay. You just need to inform the reader about one aspect of the players. The aspect that these two men are always compared by. Doing so tightens the essay and focuses the content more precisely so that you can fully develop your discussion per paragraph.

Try to revise the essay. Concentrate on only one aspect that you consider most important and then fully discuss it in relation to each player. Making sure to compare and contrast their ability per paragraph. You will see a marked difference in the quality of your essay.

Writing Feedback / There are three main things that matter to me: God, family, and country. Stanford Essay [3]

Patriot, while you do present very good examples of things that matter to you, there is a big problem with your essay. Currently, your answers are all bunched together in one statement. I am not sure if this is because of a word limit or paragraph count since you did not mention anything about those. Whatever the reason though, it has affected the effectiveness of your response to the essay prompt.

What you need to do is dedicate one paragraph each to explaining the reasons why God, family, and country are important to you. The more thorough your discussion, the better looking you will be on paper. Overview answers such as the one you gave above just won't do the job in essays such as these. You need fully developed answers that provide examples to create integrity in your responses and offer the solidity of your belief in what you are saying. The more you can convince us your unwavering belief in these 3 things over 3 paragraphs, the better we will be able to understand who you are and where you come from.

Once you have properly developed your discussion of those three topics, you will find that your conclusion has been strengthened as well. In fact, you can even further strengthen your conclusion based upon how well you discussed your topics.

Writing Feedback / Security vs freedom - living freely is much more important than security. [2]

Vns, while you offer a very good argument in support of your stand, you have failed to recognize the most important thing about this essay. You were provided with a trick question. A trick question is one that makes you choose between a number of choices, all of which you need to analyze for connections before you give your final answer. In this essay, you cannot have security and freedom without independence. Therefore, all 3 are important to the lives of people.

Consider the fact that there are countries all over the world currently fighting for their independence because they want to have security and freedom for their people. All of the factors considered, none of them can exist unless true independence is achieved. It is only through the existence of independence that freedom and security for individuals can be secured. Remember, an independent nation is a free nation. Freedom exists for them. Therefore, it also follows that the people feel secure in their surroundings, thus security then exists. Those three exist hand in hand and people in war torn nations all value those 3 aspects of their lives. Taking into consideration the overview that I have provided to you about this trick question, you may want to revise your answer to reflect the importance of all 3 rather than just choosing the 2 you have now which obviously cannot exist without freedom. I leave that decision up to you :-)