Undergraduate / "I am going to join the Peace Corps"- Reasons/Past Experience/PC Expectations [2]


As I began filling the application, I realized the seriousness of the commitment. I felt I wasn't ready although I was very compassionate and adventurous.


It made me confident about pursuing my dream of connecting with people in hope of sharing mutual growth through my career.


.... that part is a bit ambiguous; at the beginning it does not sound like a difficult experience and does not connect your idea well.... I wish if you re-phrased it !


My host family's limited English knowledge and my little Spanish knowledge often put us in difficult situations. However, it was a rewarding experience I still cherish.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;If I am to change something in my hometown,it is to provide more bicycle roads [4]


... the thing that is important to change in my hometown is to get more people to commute distances by bicycles by providing necessary infrastructure facilities and promoting this idea.

Good introduction :)


.... It's better tell the problem that you have now;
First, the roads in my hometown are too crowded and there is no way that one can ride a bicycle on roads. However, bicycle is one of the best transportation options for people in terms of both cost and health.

Scholarship / I want to serve all Colombians outside the country; Future prof goals/Scolarship [6]

Hi
It's always good to post your prompt so that others get the purpose of your writing and also they can check whether your writing is aligned with the prompt.Please post the prompt from the next time.

... This sentence is way too long and it disturbs your flow too :( Shorten your sentences and re-post it
Also what do you mean by "dependency of the Minister of Foreign Affair of Colombia.

Writing Feedback / CLEP College composition essay "How computers changed the way we work ... [2]


Many people argue that too much dependence on technology is bad; it makes us lazy, get us to forget our basics and let our brain idle.


.... this sounds confusing... better re-phrase


During the last century, many great achievements of the man would not have been possible in the absence of computers.

Undergraduate / I wish to further my education - Why Transfer? UAlbany [2]


.... I wish you need to improve your flow a little bit;
Hudson Valley Community College provided me with a great exposure and helped me define my career vision of which I did not have a clear idea until I attended this community college. However, Hudson Valley is a two year school and therefore it is unable to offer me the higher level of education that I aspire to receive.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ;Reasons for attending college- Increasing knowledge &preparing for career [5]


.... sure, we will help you :)
I had a look at your overall essay structure and it seems to me you follow it right.

However, you need to improve on grammar;


Example;
I do not satisfy those requirements
I am not satisfied with that performance


Usage is "not only" and "but also" together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children spend long time studying in school. What are the effects? [9]

I know... it's mostly the pressure that you have to struggle with. The best way to tackle it is to train your mind to follow the 4 para structure when you are doing practice essays. Then automatically you tend to think of a reason and a simple specific example to back it up with. When you already know the example, you can shape up the reason to go hand in hand with the example. Also, you can pick up lots of points by reading others' essays written on similar topics. :)

Essays / Need help for Responses for scholarship application [3]


Well.... first relax and ask those questions from yourself;
What are your short term goals( in other words what you want to achieve in near future)?
What are your short term goals ... Think of a college and why you particularly like it....do a little bit of research and examine how its features are aligned with achieving your short term goals

How you will financing your post secondary education? Jod down what you've got to write about this
Now do the draft with what you have gathered

Writing Feedback / Imagine that you have recived some land to use as you wish; What would you do? [4]


I guess this is for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you need to introduce the topic to the reader first. Do not answer the prompt very direct because the task expect you to write an essay.


... you have good points, but need to improve presentation.
This is what I suggest for your introduction;
Land is a scarce resource that has many uses for people. This is why people consider it as a highly valuable asset. If I receive a land I would consider its size, location, landscape, neighborhood etc. before I take a decision as to what purposes I would use it.

Writing Feedback / Globalisation of trade is beneficial to the economicaly backward countries [3]


.... this is what I suggest;
Advancement in technology brought the world together. This globalization has taken place in almost every economic and social sector.


Before making this statement you better show how trade sector has been influenced by globalization. Otherwise the reader cannot find a proper connection



.... this line has a few issues. :(
Globalization effects on Trade, has improved the living standards of people in the developing countries.

Undergraduate / Study Plan for Study Permit; Application to Embassy of Canada [6]

Okkkkkk...Let's tackle the very first one;


Tell them about how you became interested in this field (Biotechnology) and how your passion developed. Then tell them why want to pursue studies in this area. Then talk about some features of the school that can help you achieve your goal. Do a small draft and post it... Then I can help you improve it. When you do the draft, I can get the information from it and then it is easy for me to help you. Do this first para and post it :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: UK Acid rain emissions (GRAPH) [2]


.... Good start


.... you use "an" when the following word starts with a vowel


... You can also say "in detail"


... this line is not well presented. It is not clear too :( ... Also, you need to state the overall trend here;
In brief, the contribution of all sectors to acid rain emissions have dropped over the years.
I think this website provide a good framework for tackle this task' - hope this is helpful :)

Undergraduate / Study Plan for Study Permit; Application to Embassy of Canada [6]

Ok.... let's see how I can help you with;
First, what is your study plan?... I think you need to talk about what you intend to study in this program.... Talk about the areas you are interested in studying.... Talk about the practical, research exposures you intent to gain. .... I feel the following part is not really relevant;


If you can re post another draft having these points in my mind, I'll certainly help you to improve it further :)

Research Papers / "An eye for an eye"; Hammurabi's Code of Laws [2]


The Bronze Age around 1200 BC is the era where the roots of urban civilization can be found. In this type of civilization, formal administration and authority came into existence.



These wealthy farmers gained superiority over the others and became Chiefs in their social circles. These Chiefs then became rulers of their villages and began to hire lower ranking people on their farmlands.

Writing Feedback / GPS is small device but there is a big process behind it; How the GPS works [2]


.... I wish you rephrased the first part of this line... What are the things that you can easily buy for less than $100? Not very clear :(


... you will never get lost under any weather condition.


Most of the people only know that GPS provides accurate information about Position, Velocity, and Time, but they lack knowledge about how GPS works

Graduate / Where do you see yourself, professionally, one year after graduating? (200 words) [2]


... I feel you better start with the second line;
Following graduation, I am confident of having myself elevated to the position of IT Consultant in the Hi-Tech or Healthcare Industry. The knowledge and exposure I gather from this MBA would certainly assist me in discharging my new responsibilities, by allowing me to effectively handle various issues that are involved with employing information technology successfully within organizations.

Writing Feedback / Narrate how did you overcome the challenges to achieve your goal(s) in life [6]



... I think you should take this off completely. I don't see much value addition from this part.

I remember how disturbed I was emotionally during my first year in high school with my poor English. My English teacher reprimanded me because I was such a slow learner; The friends had fun out of me calling me "BOBO", meaning "incompetent". The more I tried the more I became confused with grammar and vocabulary and this experience not only was painful and humiliating, but left me with a lower grade for this subject.

Writing Feedback / I strongly disagree that money is the most important aspect of a job ! [3]


... Why business? Your topic is not about business, but about jobs.


....This too sounds out of topic.
In the introduction, you need to introduce your topic to the reader. You should not write ideas that distract the main theme.


First, the experiences that we earn by doing a job is more valuable and important than money.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING : students should be encouraged to evaluate and criticise their teacher [5]

Don't worry.... everybody goes through this phase. The best way for you to equip with points is to read as many similar essays as possible. If you do a search using the search tab on the top (right hand side with the sign "Go") of this screen, you can find loads of similar essays. Read both IELTS and TOEFL because they are almost the same with their features.

Also, practice with time. Stick to your essay structure. That's the 4 para structure (Introduction,2 body paras and conclusion). Don't stay on any para for too long. Try to finish the essay sooner and if you have time go back and add more lines . :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children spend long time studying in school. What are the effects? [9]


... I don't think it is that hard. In this instance;


... here the issue is that eillen doesn't come up with the actual reason. Reason is competitiveness and because of that children are forced to develop their skills faster. If eileen said this, then it is easy to give a specific example like;

Unlike earlier generations, children today learn English from a very young age. This is because good command of English would be an added advantage for a person when he has to compete for jobs.

Graduate / Some call knowledge passion; SOP-Systems engineering/German university [4]


I feel you should do away with this line because you have already said the same idea... This would otherwise sound a bit repetitive.


This one is fine.... re-phrase it a bit to be better connected with the previous sentence.
Well.... I think you better pay a little attention to the structure... First you talk about how your passion for mechanics developed. Then in the next para, tell them how you pursued your passion... Talk about your high school & university experiences, achievements, credentials etc. Then tell about what your future goals are and how the features of this uni can help you achieve them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children spend long time studying in school. What are the effects? [9]


As the competition grows, kids too become victims of it. They attend countless number of classes, both school and private, as a result of this phenomenon.


You need to support your reasons with specific examples. Don't crowd your body paragraphs with too many reasons. Pick one good reason and state it. Then support it with a specific example.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Convenience food eventually replace traditional foods? No [4]


.... good introduction!
However, in my view, traditional food will continue to be preferred by many people who care about nutrient value and taste of food.


.... here you need to specify the type of food as you ended your last para talking about traditional food. I guess you mean fast food here.

Graduate / Some call knowledge passion; SOP-Systems engineering/German university [4]


... I wish you skim this a bit more... They would want to know about you more. So, shorten this and quickly come to the point that you introduce yourself.


As a ten year old, I passionately tried my hands on repairing my bicycle brakes with the tools belonged to my uncle.


With this activity I began to understand the intricate working mechanism of the cable, spring and levers. This was the advent of my strong passion for mechanics.

Writing Feedback / Advantage and disadvantage of 3D printing technology(argumentative, research essay) [2]

I like this intro :)


If this technology could be used to make almost anything, could we make a 3D gun?


Many people would have asked this question. In fact people have designed guns and gun parts for 3D printing purposes.
You write so well.... I found this is a very informative piece of writing ... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Men vs women are not equally suited for many tasks [4]


... Please make sure that you start sentences with capital letters when you make posts to this forum as it is very inconvenient for others to read when the essays are not presented in a tidy manner. Also, the latter part is not expressed well.

difference makes/ differences make
Their inherent physical capabilities make them different from each other in performing tasks. This make most of us to feel that women are a weaker sex and not as capable as men in handling many tasks.


This led men to believe that women are only good at household chores.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Education at home VS formal education - Which is better? [4]


You need to be careful about time management. This task you need to perform within a limited time frame. So, have the four paragraphs (Introduction, 2 body paragraphs and the conclusion) but do not unnecessarily lengthen them :)


.... I think this line does not add much value for your essay.


... start sentences with capital letter always , especially when you make posts to this forum. Also, shorten the length of your sentences because then you can convey your idea better.

Undergraduate / Why I'm a good candidate? - Michigan Research Community Application Essay [3]


As I began to write my response to this prompt, I pondered into the thought of why I was keen on becoming a part of Michigan Research Community.


... I feel it's good if you reduce the effect.... I mean, I feel that you elaborate on this a bit more

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; DIFFICULTIES of learning a NEW LANGUAGE [8]


....there are lots of difficulties


.... Your introduction sounds better without this because this should reflect essay features.


.... this is an incomplete sentence;
First, grammar plays an important role in a language and grammatical mistakes are a great barrier for expressing ideas clearly.


... This is what I suggest;
Grammar is a very complicated issue in languages because they have great differences from language to language. Therefore it is a hard task to get a proper hang of grammar , which may take a fairly long time, when someone learns a new language.

Writing Feedback / Why Smoking should be Illegal? Opening paragraph [5]


Smoking is a dangerous habit that puts one's life,his family and the environment at risk.


second hand smoking - this is called passive smoking
Also, what do you mean by "other illegal drugs"?



Do you know that it is not only dangerous for the smoker, but the people around him?
You better talk about the dangerous substances in cigars such as nicotine

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Classmates are more influential than parents on a child's success in school [2]


... I wish you had a break and expressed this idea in two sentences;
In general, many people tend to believe that parents are the most influential people in their children's development. They are right because children spend most of their time with parents than with anyone else.


... First, you should express your opinion in the introduction and not in a body para. Also, your introduction gives an impression that you hold the opinion that parents have the best influence on their children. This is a bit contradictory :(

Undergraduate / Music has had a great effect on my world;CSU/ Book, song,movie that changed your life [3]


Well... I think your prompt expects you to talk about some specific book, song or movie. However, your talk about music and books in general. In my view, you better pick up a particular song/book or movie and explain how it was instrumental in shaping your perception and life. I feel you need to stick to one such thing and don't talk about many.

Writing Feedback / How to select your career ? Status/ Salary or Satisfaction? [3]

" The phrase "selecting career" gets repeated too often. Avoid repetition!


.... This is my suggestion;
When people choose careers that they are passionate about, they get self motivated and this makes them more productive in their jobs.


.... since the research already took place, have it in past tense.

Undergraduate / Study Plan for Study Permit; Application to Embassy of Canada [6]


I am Tran Hoang Kim, nineteen year old high school graduate.


I now intend to study overseas, which I have been dreaming for a very long time. So I did research on a good university outside my home country which would suit my aspirations and study goals.


That is how I learned about the University of British Columbia, one of the top universities in the world having an outstanding reputation and ranking in global standards.

Writing Feedback / increasing weight against declining health. [6]


... this sentence has a few issues :( You can tell this same idea in a more simpler, yet interesting manner;
During the past decade, we have experienced a dramatic increase in average weight gain of the people due to the changes that took place in our life-styles.During the past decade, we have experienced a dramatic increase in average weight gain of the people due to the changes that took place in our life-styles.


.... this sentence too does not convey your idea properly. You need to re-phrase it .

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Should players be payed highly or not? [6]

.... Well dear .... I don't think I am good at giving you a score. However, I can help you with improving your writing so that you can go for a good score. When I give my comments on essays, I generally check whether your essays are aligned with the desired structure. I know for sure that they give you marks for your essay structure, vocabulary, grammar, spellings etc. Generally most of the people are ok with grammar, vocabulary, spelling etc. They only go wrong with essay structure. That's why emphasize so much on it :)

I think I have not given you the outline of this essay structure.

Book Reports / Romeo and Juliet - A Text to Scene Analysis [2]


... ... how about the romantic part? I think it's the most romantic love story ever written :)


Well.... Your sentences are good, but I think you need to improve the flow... Let things flow in a better connection.


... I prefer if you changed the order
However, Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Julliet is one of the best and creative adaptations .

Scholarship / Starting your own business is not easy;RMIT Vietnam University - Bachelor of Commerce [5]


With my experience, I believe it requires many skills as well as lots of training.


A few years ago, my parents ran a small business of manufacturing children's garments that were supplied to many stores in our area.


My parents had many skills to run this business, however lacked the professional training to manage it well. So they failed reaching their vision.

Essays / Benjamin Carson didn't ruin his future due to his temper - Personal view point [2]


I am impressed to note how Carson manages his temper without letting it affect his future.


When he failed at school, his mother put him on a strict routine. He was not allowed to watch television or go outside to play.


With his mother's prudent support, Benjamin became the top performer in his class and took a keen interest in every subject.

Essays / Gay community in the BSA; Essay on controversial issue [2]


...very interesting to know :)


.... I feel "homosexual" sounds more formal (also more descriptive) at this point because you've just begun to introduce your topic. In latter parts, using "gay" is fine :)



This has been detrimental to the success of the Boy Scouts in recent years as it has created much controversy and compelled many valuable members to leave the organization.

Good Writing :)