Undergraduate / "My curiosity and ideas" - Columbia University NY. What attracts you to engineering? [7]

I look around and I do not see anything unusual. I t It cannot be traffic lights, because there are none.
This is a very compelling sentence:
In a developed country, what I had just seen would have turned heads. It would stick out like a sore thumb.
Let's simplify this part so it can "move right along"-----> I have always had a lot of ideas. Ideas to improve the world I live in - a world of suffering and difficult challenges, ideas to change the quality of people's lives for the better, to improve on and create new things. I RECOMMEND THIS GREAT VIDEO FOR YOU!

I love this:
There is an old adage in my native language; "The monkey that wants to know everything is the one that gets shot first." ----thanks for sharing it...

I do not believe so. My wise saying is that, "Curiosity brings knowledge and understanding". ---very good!! It's good that you challenge the wisdom.

...all to make lives such as that of the cart pusher a whole lot better attracts me to engineering like a bee is attracted to the way colorful flowers attract a bee. (just an idea... I am not sure if it is better! :-)

Dissertations / Thesis paper on translation in famous works, confused about a topic [16]

If I studied translation, I would want to use my time to research the cultural patterns that influence how translation should take place with the languages I know. I would want to learn about how translation is affected by subtleties of meaning... including beliefs, cultural norms, gender roles, and so forth.

You should google this:
hofstede cultural dimensions

Read about that in relation to the languages you know.
Good luck!!! :-)

Grammar, Usage / Expressing opinions in technical writing? [3]


You could use the word "seems," but some professors hate that word because it sounds indecisive.

It is important for me to tell you that in cases like this, when people really do not want to use the first person perspective, they often refer to themselves in the 3rd person:

The researcher prefers XXXX, because...
The student worked with both methods and determined that he preferred...

:-) does that solve the problem?

I have read in Cresswell (2008) that is qualitative work it is okay to use 1st person, and in quantitative work it is better to use 3rd person.

Writing Feedback / Should successful sports player get a great deal of money?? [4]

Hi Rina, I think you should practice typing the sentences the way dumi suggested.

Also, I'll give some help below:

even though they have achieved highly important success in a certain field.

The study of medicine, for instance, plays an essential role in preven ting malignant diseases such as cancer and AIDS.

However, some people think sports players are sacrificing their lives. These people are often living under a stress, since they do not have any confidentiality privacy and their lifestyles are often exposed to all of society.

Great points!! You are smart... :-)

Undergraduate / "participating in quizzes" - Commonapp Basic Essay [4]

I love participating in quizzes. ----You should check out Elance.com! It has a lot of quizzes to show your skill so people can hire you to help with their projects.

I think it is supposed to be "abreast of"----keeping myself abreast with of all the latest developments in the world.

Fix the spacing here: ... over 170teams

:-)

Undergraduate / "As times goes by + parents struggle" - I have two personal statements to choose [3]

I have to make some changes at the beginning so that the verb tense will be consistent and so that you will have complete sentences:

I wa s staring out the window, watching the scenery pass by. Butterflies were in my stomach, and eagerness was wandering in my eyes. As I stared at the clock ,the time went by so slowly .

...tears began to roll down my cheeks ; the thought of being away from my family for so many months tortured me on the inside.

When you quote a sentence, capitalize the first word:
People say "As time flies you have...

:-)

Undergraduate / A Versatile Ball of Thread (Common App / Diversity Essay) [5]

I think you meant to type geographical instead of geological.

If a number starts a sentence, use the word:
3 Three and half years ago, when my dad announced the family's huge geological geographical and..

... however, I terribly failed to predict what I'd find at this dynamic place.---you are such a good writer!!

As time to leave Penang comes around, I'm not sure where exactly I'll wind up next. ... And this time, with a few papaya sticks with me, the transition will be much sweeter.---This is so good!! I hope a lot of people get to see this thread so that they can experience this example of inspired writing... thanks for being here! Please check out EssayForum Contributor Page.

Undergraduate / "Hollywood High School, love for Journalism" - #1 Describe your world.... [3]

The need to dream is my priority. I am a metamorphosis, who is ready to shine and provoke positive chaos. In the sense of being successful.----metamorphosis is the actual process of change. You might want to say, "I am entering metamorphosis, and I am ready..."

A "person in metamorphosis" is a metaphor my mom uses in my basis. Because It's true as a human being, I need to search for opportunities and prove to others that I am also capable of overcoming achieving my goals.

I comprehend that a variety of doors will be shattered, but I always say "Things happen for a motive reason."

When the person in metamorphosis grows it rapidly transforms itself into a beautiful butterfly who reaches for natural beauty of mother Earth.

My parents push me and tell me, "Don't worry about money. Studying is your job. Us We as immigrants came ..."

:-)

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Nisha, I just saw some great advice you gave here "Hollywood High School, love for Journalism" - #1 Describe your world...
You gave very meaningful advice. So, I clicked over here to your thread to thank you.

I really appreciate all your participation lately.

Undergraduate / "invaluable work ethic" - Lehigh Supplement - 150-250 words [5]

Great 'wow' theme... great concepts about work ethic from high competition... when you write ethnic, a better word might be "culturally." Also, when you discuss diversity, you also might want to mention achievements of people from either gender, various ability levels, students with disabilities, etc.

It would also be great to give an example of what happened when you were int he minority.

:-) great job, though!!

Poetry / My assessment entitled five senses poem (tastes/sounds/smells/looks/makes) [6]

Ha ha, nice job, Narothnee Jean-Pierre! I would change different to various.

Good luck with this fun assignment, Cornelia! It is the kind of thing that is correct no matter how you complete the sentences. Just express yourself! :-)

Undergraduate / "You should also be working at 14 since your father did" - Short Answer [5]

Initially, I couldn't be left alone without the boss around. ----This sentence is worded in an awkward way. I could tell you ways to fix it, but I think you can figure it out easily. :-)

After that first summer, I started working longer shifts (no need for a comma here ) and was given more responsibility. As I gained more experience, I was trusted to do things more independently, and, eventually began managing the store and serving customers (can you replace these words with specific examples?) manage the store by myself.

I like the ending...

Undergraduate / "my baseball experience" - 150 words or less on an extracurricular activity... [6]

The relief and sense of accomplishment I felt were indescribable----this is a well structured sentence.

Just a year before earlier, I had been was playing the position of benchwarmer. My body had been was sixty pounds heavier, and I was had been wondering if I would ever play in a varsity game. There I made the decision to...

Nice!! Can you give an example of what you mean with that last statement about it helping you as a business student?

Undergraduate / Biochemistry/ Biomedical science: UCAS personal statement. [3]

Biochemistry and Biomedical science is are...

at the forefront of the medical field, as it they are directly studying life chemically at a molecular level.

This part is vague... I will play a vital role in the medical studies that will determine the outcomes and results of future drugs and heath care.----It will be better to say something that might be said by someone who is reading a lot of articles about latest developments. For example, instead of making a general statement about being able to be at the forefront, you can make a statement about a specific interest: I want to be involved in research to map brain activity among newborns and start teaching them to read when they first emerge from the womb! I recently read articles by XXXXXX about her work with newborns, and I noticed that...." Say something specific...

Look for ways to increase specificity throughout the essay.
Also, look for ways to take out big, unnecessary phrases:
Over the years of my life and educational career , I have accumulated great
Be careful when you use an apostrophe for a plural word:
other's possessions others' possessions

It will preserve my interest in science and will help me achieve success being at the forefront of medicine and this course will instigate instill many more attributes in me to reach my full potential.---"many more attributes" is also quite vague.

This is good, in general, but I think you can get more specific if you read a few articles as a warmup exercise before revising... this can be full of specific, current biochem topics.

Undergraduate / Siblings May be the Best Teachers (Where you come from, UC Admissions Essay) [4]

I think this sentence is not quite right: There are no numbers that can describe how many children a family may have, but in my family, we have three daughters.

I'm not sure what this sentence means: I must be the one to correct what mistakes they have made, but I must also be the one to surpass their success. ---Do you have to surpass them somehow?

Their first lesson for me was to create my own future; I had been fearing that every aspect of my life would be decided by my parents.----I added some words to this sentence to make it clearer.

There is are always going to be the people who forge a friendship

The most important aspect factor in fulfilling goals is to remain the same person throughout the long and difficult process.

Change is inevitable, but controllable.---nice sentence!!!

Undergraduate / "my first stock at the age of thirteen" - Business Transfer Essay (UIUC) [3]


This is nicely written, but it is general stuff that you could say about almost any school. It would be great if you could expound a plan that involves the specific resources and professors at this school. What makes this school better than similar options?

No other University in the state of Illinois provides such a rich domain for which I am passionate in. ----oh, I see... this is geting specific now. You want to remain in IL, and this school has all the others beat. That is pretty good.

Reinforce the message of this essay by stating 5 or 6 specific goals you have for the next 2 years. Show that you are being proactive about gaining expertise.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Is cheating in school and work out of control? [2]

Cheating nowadays is associated with many different words, but actually it has they have the same meaning. There is no different difference between cheating in the school or work. All cheating of them leads to destruction. people see cheating is out of control which cannot stop it.

Cheating is out control. which People cannot stop it, but they can reduce it by many ways methods.

Second, the go vernment must punish cheaters to protect society from previously dangerous the consequences.

Practice these corrections so that you can get into a god habit.

The verb may have an s or it may not, depending on if the noun is singular or plural, like this:
Cheating causes many problems.
People cause many problems when they cheat.
(Cheating causes, but people cause...)
Apples fall on my head.
One apply falls on my head.

This is an important rule for you to learn.
The monkeys swing in the tree.
The monkey swings in the tree.

Writing Feedback / globalization as it relates to politics & the society in small and developing society [3]

Start with a capital letter:
As governance structures are established at a global level to deal with the growing global problems. conflicts have emerged as to how to make international organizations more accountable and democratic.

Capitalize the first letter of a sentence:
Stoker argues that the process of globalization are is so powerful that they are sweeping away it is sweeping away nations and making the democratic characteristics embedded within them irrelevant.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A Changing nation, living in Indonesia"; I am of an Indian descent [2]

Certain incidents have made me uncomfortable and caused me to question my safety and security in this country.

However, due to certain groups, security is no longer effective here.

Priests are getting attacked, churches burnt, demonstrations held against other religions , etc.

Do not say sometimes and often about the same verb: Sometimes, these groups often attack...

"This essay is fascinating to me, and I think it must be fascinating to many other people interested in contemporary circumstances in Indonesia and surrounding countries where extremists groups are doing their damage. You chose a great topic!!

Graduate / Ielts essay :technology that widen the gap between rich and poor ? [2]

To some extent, the gap between rich people and poor is widen widened by technology, because only the rich people...

Nevertheless, I think it this argument is a limp opposition to the remarkable advantages of technology, and technology is not the root cause of the gap.

In conclusion, the assertion that good tec hnology bringing to us is undeniable. Under With proper use of technology, the human being can be benefit a lot and perpetually. from the advancement of it. It would be nice to end the essay with the word perpetually.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Born in Mexico City, I came to the United States" - UC prompt 1: Plastic Life [4]

This is a place to use a colon instead of a semi-colon:

...contained a powerful weapon: a mindset which my family has engraved in me of a better ...

...made me question numerous things (think of a better word than things!)

. Is Are the police going to deport me too? When am I going to be able to see my family once again? Will I be able to drive? (This stuffis all in the present verb tense, so put the next sentence in the present tense, too: But most importantly, how was am I going to attend college and why was am I attracted to boys?

Very impressive writing: ...my legal status and homosexuality transformed me into an emotionless, dormant, plastic human with a desire to fit in and be like everyone else. Be American!

... and still going through. I have a dream. I dream that one day, I will be able to drive, travel, vote, and work legally -- abilities people take for granted for .

Brilliant: Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.

Undergraduate / "it is about ski" - the commonapp 150words short answer [4]

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
A perfect parabola swept over the snow-white world, and that meteor was me.

I started skiing when I was in primary school. --I don't think this sentence is necessary or helpful.

I can still remember ---this is a cliche... overused.

This is great description! ---> first time I wore the ski boot--the tight feeling around my shins increased the tension deep inside my heart.

Don't capitalize that L unnecessarily.----> Looking down ...

This is a nice description of skiing, but it is possible to somehow infer some meaning or significance? Something it taught you about your own personality?

:-)

Undergraduate / "My ba ngoai" - Common app essay: Personal essay [11]


Great sentence, Cindy. You have great mastery of this kind of art called writing. It is very fluid and eloquent.

In most cases, I would advise the writer to give a thesis statement in the first paragraph so that the essay can leave a poignant impression on the reader's mind -- transmit a clear message.

In this case, though, you slowly build momentum and come to your point at the end. At the end of this essay, I think it is important that you use some words to really make your point. A little revision might be necessary at the end. Does it all just amount to a morally strong, hard working culture you come from? Or can you add another dimension to this idea?

Research Papers / In need for help on strong argumentative facts on the reality of global warming. [3]

The first thing to do is collect some articles. Just start collecting them from your school database. It can be fun and interesting!

Read an article, and as soon as you get to the part that tells the the main argument about global warming, write a few sentences about it. Write one paragraph for every article.

Only after writing a few paragraphs should you try to write a thesis statement. Do not try to write your thesis statement before you have written paragraphs about the articles you find!

:-)

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]


Yes, that's true, good points. Well, even though "everything that can be done has been done," the theme you use for an essay can serve as something like... an avatar!

The idea is to give the reader something s/he can easily remember and associate with you. It helps you to dig your cat claws into the memory of the reader. I call this concept Cat-Claw Memory Digging. :-)

Not really, I just made that up.

You also gave a great example about "idealistic realism." Any time you google something, you will find that it already exists... ha ha...Well, you make many important points. I guess the moral of the story is that making up a term does not have to include any implication that it is new. It is good to use a clever term, but it is best not to make a big deal out of it. I call that Clever Subtlety in Concept-Making.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - My life changed by my Chinese parents [3]

I think the first sentence should be written in the present verb tense:
In this world, amazing people are shaped by the dreams they have.

Dreams and aspirations are developed over time starting very early in ones ' one's ---put the apostrophe before the s.

And when it is a plural noun, put the apostrophe after the s:
For the longest minute of my life I waited for my parent 's parents' response.

Capitalize Internet.

My parents were able to comprehend my situation, and I realized the mindset that they had. -----beautiful!! This is a beautiful observation.

Undergraduate / "The influence my father has had in my life" - Texas common application topic A [4]

Add a comma, and capitalize that W:
My life was always full of, "W hat if my father..." I always wondered what he might be doing. Growing up, my brothers' and I did...

When you put two sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
We were his children, and he was our father.

Use a hyphen: This was an eye-opener for me.

:-)

You wrote this very well! And the topic is so powerful that I think the reader will involuntarily love it no matter what!

Undergraduate / "The Karate Dojo, we felt like black belts." (working as part of a group essay) [2]

Hey, you did a great job... I bet they don't often see such an entertaining response to this prompt.

I bet the greenbelts wished there was a mat under the mat for them to land on after your unconventional maneuver.

If you had not already submitted this, I would say it is a good idea to add 2 more sentences to the end of the first paragraph. In this essay, it would be great to explain the "moral of the story" in the first paragraph, at the end. Then, the reader can have it in mind throughout the essay.

In most essays, the conclusion elaborates on the "moral of the story," i.e. the implications... but in this essay it would be nice to expound the meaning, the truth the essay carries, in the intro.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My relationship with my mother" - Common- Person that has influenced your life. [5]


Ha ha, wow, at least it has a happy ending! :-) Well the good news is that you are quite the masterful writer. But you must know that already. The reader of this essay will know it, too, if s/he has any appreciation for artful sentence structures and cool expression of a point of view.

That is one half of impressing the AO reader. The other half is showing that you are very focused and approaching school in a purposeful way instead of being one of those kids taht just goes through the motions without real interest. Show that you are being proactive about setting goals to help you establish your career.

Undergraduate / "From biology teacher to biology major" - a college that ask me why i chose my major [2]


What did you see multiplying?

Here is the first sentence of your essay:
"Biology has at least 50 more interesting years", This is a quote that my AP. Biology teacher told me and it is true!

I recommend deleting all the sentences before this one. Begin the essay with this great sentence! And the sentences that follow it are good, too. But I think you should cut the first part, because it does not have a lot of meaning.

Add to this essay by discussing your 3 to 5 goals for the next 2 years. What goals do you hope to accomplish in these years? What books will you read? What professors will you meet?

Also, tell about some articles you have recently read. I read a great biology book called The Body Electric, and it is about a very particular topic in biology: bioelectricity. That is my interest. What is yours?

Undergraduate / Pitzer App: Organic Farming (respect for soil and its benefits) [3]

Here is a sentence that is not complete, and you could easily complete it:
Dirt, this common, unappealing substance that I would wash out of my childhood pants and later examine in science class -- worshiped by all farmers I meet, and they delicately transform it into mounds and holes, and looking the other ...

Brevity is important. Conciseness. Look for sentences where a phrase can be trimmed away:I felt a change come over me in my focus as I gained the ability to ignore the sun resting on my bare back and the bugs waddling across my exposed feet.---nice sentence! Nice use of the phrase "bugs waddling," ha ha... that is what good writing is made of.

Here is a sentence that needs the word during:
Compelled by these experiences, I traveled to Brittany, France the during summer ...

I don't like the last sentence! You can face your future with with self-assurance and commitment to respect for soil? ha ha, you are a good writer, because only a good writer can eloquently say something like this... I don't think you are allowed to talk about your new respect for soil as something that applies to the broad scope of your future. It is a great insight, but... well, I think this last sentence should be revised...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Art: Silent Poetry" - (personal quality, talent) - UC Personal Statement [4]

Use a hyphen:
two-hour

What is going on here:
For me, art not just two dimensional...-------missing the word "is"??

Well, you did not write about anything that is spectacularly interesting, but you have such a nice writing style that it kept my attention anyway! If you used this great writing style to write about something more interesting than drawing as a kid. You can use this essay to transmit a concept that you personified as that little artist you were as a kid. What is your concept?

Writing Feedback / developing a strong outline for essay: Banning Smoking in Public Places [2]


Yes, you cannot be sure of what you will conclude until after you do the research. This is important to remember. Do not try to write the thesis statement or plan the conclusion until after you have done your research. Also, be willing to change your outline based on the sources you find.

A focus on Minnesota would narrow it and make it specialized/specific, but you can also include info from all over the nation.

The topic can be further narrowed based on themes that emerge in the research. Read some articles, and see what specific theme you are starting to develop. Show me any group of articles, and I can find a common theme among them... it is a creative thing... looking for a common thread.

Enjoy it! The theme for your paper is not something you work to come up with.. it is something you find while leisurely reading.

When you have read 8 articles about banning smoking in public, you will see that each article is about a specific concept or perspective on the issue. Put them all together and see what they become.

Research Papers / how reality television influences our society- explanation research paper (thesis?) [2]

Just read one article and write one sentence about it. That sentence will grow into a paragraph when you add some explanation and examples to support it. Start by writing one sentence to tell me about what an article is about.

Search your school's library database for this: "reality television" "social issues"
or
"reality television" society

When you have one paragraph about one article, do the same for another article.

Do not try to write the thesis before you have read a few articles and written a few paragraphs! :-)

After you have read and written a little, coming up with an interesting, arguable thesis will be easy.

Book Reports / The Pearl John Steinbeck (theme / thesis statement: what you want is not what you need) [8]

Well, was this theme assigned to you, or is it something you came up with?
If you thought of it based on the story, you must have a reason. What is it?

I am having trouble remembering what the story was about, but I assume you are reading it... what was it that the character wanted but did not need?

Also, be judgmental! Criticize! Or... challenge the message of the theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- A creative work (film) that influenced me [3]


This is a rough transition from para #1 to para #2. At the end of para #1 I am left with the idea of you not missing anything despite the unconventional relationship, and then you tell me something unrelated about her having a B/F.

I think you should change these 2 sentences. Change the last sentence of the first para to express the Central Truth of the essay. Change the first sentence of the second para so that it expresses an idea that supports or somehow develops that thesis statement from the end of paragraph one.

Know what I mean? And that thesis statement should refer to Mamma Mia! and its significance...

:-)

Writing Feedback / From China to America: Culture Shock (food, manner) - living in a new country [7]

All those things my family said to me were true; my capability to speak fluent English undoubtedly make communication with local people a piece of cake for me.

But the food was not as easy as I thought. Besides, culture shock doesn't is not limited to food and language; there are a lot of others things will be shocking to a foreigner.

Above, I added semi-colons. In those places, you had run on sentences. The semi-colon works much like a period... connecting two complete sentences.

Capitalize China.

I laughed hysterically. Do Americans have to fry everything?----This is great, very funny...

still unable to eat cheese with apple---what? Who eats cheese with apples? That's gross!! :-)

somehow thinking the two together still make me vomit in my mouth a little bit.----you are a very good writer.
Here is another place where you need to end the sentence with a period or use a semi-colon:
I still don't like pan cakes, but everyone else seems to love them. Maybe one of these days I will try it; you never know what will happen.

Manner Etiquette is another culture shock for me.

You make some profound observations: almost have to brainwash yourself, learning whole new ways of living and socializing. There were So many things were strange to me, but now they seem so natural.

I am not forgetting how to be a Chinese, I guess I am just Americanized a little bit.---Awesome! Your sentences are very poetic. I can't wait until you get a novel published.

Book Reports / an analysis essay on a quote in "the crucible" by Proctor [5]

Please give some more information about the assignment, so that all visitors to this thread can benefit from a good discussion. Have you read the play?

If you really need help understanding how to write a monologue, we can help, but you have to read the play! :-)
Before you begin reading, it might help to Google this:
the crucible themes summary

Undergraduate / "the photography editor" - Common App- One of your activites [4]

I feel that I have benefited greatly from my experiences I want to cut out all this because it does not really carry any meaning.

As the photography editor for the (my schools) yearbook, I had to work with my team to keep them motivated...

while I faced the daily tasks that came with being a leader, including ______, ________, and _________. In the midst of this, I discovered my ...

:-)

Research Papers / William Blake biography essay - the world as seem the poem? [2]


Do not try to come up with a thesis before writing. Instead, write first.

Read one page about his life. Then, write one paragraph.
I am pretty sure that you can read a page and then write a paragraph, right? Easy, easy!!

Next, read some article someone wrote about him -- anything that interests you -- and write a paragraph that explains the main idea of that article.

Next, do the same thing for another article.

You will have 3 paragraphs when you do that, and THEN it will be time to look at them and see what theme they all share.

For example, I wrote an essay about Deepak Chopra, and when I had writeen 3 different paragraphs abotu 3 different articles other people had writeen, I looked at them and discovered a theme: Deepak Chopra is better described as a poet than as a scientist.

Many people would disagree with that, and that is what makes it a good thesis statement. But I was only able to think of it AFTER I wrote 3 paragraphs about 3 different articles.

how did Blake biography affects. The way he looked to the world as seem the poem?
How did the way Blake's life story, as told in his biography, affect the way he looked at the world and write about it in his poetry?

Is this what you mean?
Just start writing those paragraphs. You can do it!