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Posts by ekfoong
Joined: Oct 31, 2009
Last Post: Jan 3, 2010
Threads: 10
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From: USA

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ekfoong   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / I want to push the submit button tonight (Stanford) [19]

I'm applying to Stanford and tonight i think i'm going to press submit. Each of these paragraphs are within the 1800 character length. So... Thanks a lot for reading! :)

#1 Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

The sight of a bird carcass on the side of pavement intercepted my soothing stroll. The rotten stench settled in my nose and the sun soaked putrid flesh was palpable in the air. Most people would avert their head in disgust; however, the scene possessed a profound gravity that I couldn't ignore. Beneath the ugliness, my eyes connected with perfectly patterned feather and exquisitely constructed hollow bones. Exposure to such naturally engineered brilliance stimulated an ethereal experience. My mind began to generate inquiries: Why do hollow bones allow birds to fly? What is the density of the bone? Is there a correlation between bone density and maximum flight speed? My thoughts consumed time, and the adrenaline of studying such a magnificent natural phenomenon numbed my squatting legs from the burning pain. All the while, my pen reconstructed the flesh upon the skeleton and restored life to its remains. Through my art, this imagined bird can forever dwell within my journal; perhaps someday I will resurrect the sparrow so it may take flight once again.

I am content when I release myself to the embrace of nature. The simplest of notions, observations, and intuitions can spark my mind to run rampant amongst my organic surroundings. My fascination stems from my appreciation of art and science. There is something beautiful about the way gravity functions, or the mannerisms of simple harmonic motion, or the way cells are structured that genuinely fascinates me.

Although, I want to extend beyond the Darwinian model of observation and theorization, because I want to create beauty. Perhaps biomedical engineering is my destined path. I can express the factual innovation of science while maintaining the spontaneous creativity of the fine arts.

#2Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

I am a pack rat of paper. I'm less like a messy hoarder, and more like a treasure collector. To cross to the other side of my room, one would pass through a jungle of intricately folded paper animalia. I guess you can say I'm an origami aficionado, and paper cranes are my specialty.

I have been folding paper cranes since I was 8. I can still remember the hot and humid Malaysian climate and the hospital room where my grandfather first taught me the ways of origami. Baba was bed ridden with pancreatic cancer. I would stay by his side while the silent animations of my relatives' distressing arguments played out like a television program through the clear glass window. Despite the dim hospital atmosphere, we restored vivacity by folding origami. Baba's nimble fingers quivered as he creased the paper in a methodical manner. From time to time, his smokers' cough broke the tranquility. But moments later he would weakly shoot me a smile silently reassuring me everything was okay. I labored away for two weeks in order to fold the perfect crane that would win his approval. My 139th crane was the one. The white paper exuded a brilliance beyond any of its other predecessors. I presented my bit of magic to him, he smiled and said in a hushed Chinese dialect, "I guess my work is done here." That night he passed away. There is a legend that if one folds one thousand paper cranes, the soul can achieve eternal peace. With his warm scent of cigar smoke and his fond memories remaining, I knew I had to finish his journey. In two days, I folded the remaining 867 cranes.

To me, paper cranes symbolize the capacity for humans to share, teach, and learn. Perhaps one day we can stay up late with some food or a movie, and I can share the magic of origami. with you.

#3Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

My feet tapped against the white tiled floor. I sat next to the window nervously awaiting for the secretary's confirmation to join the Discover Stanford tour. Stanford's prowess exuded from the photographs of football victories and picturesque architecture mounted on the wall. I sat on the bench, soaking it all in. So this was it, Montag hall, the office of admissions.

I heard a smirk from my right. I looked over to find a friendly stranger. He smiled and said, "Amazing, isn't it?" I realized my mouth was open in awe and I snapped it shut. He continued, "Hey, they name is Aamir I'm a senior here." From there, the conversation flowed, minutes flew by as he shared his experiences with me. He told me about his midnight ludicrous expedition to find supplies to make the perfect native American headdress for the Stanford powwow. He reenacted his "pro" dance moves from the dance marathon. His hands flailed about as he talked about his bioengineering project. The whole time, I couldn't help but notice his excitement radiating with every syllable he spoke.

It was then that I knew, I want to proudly wear the Stanford cardinal red. Amongst all of my other visits, Stanford was the only place where I sensed passion. The students possessed a lust of life, and learning that I can connect with. Beyond the prestige, academics, and athletics, Stanford is at the paramount of my list because students and faculty like Aamir demonstrate that Stanford can make me a better person.

The secretary at the desk called my name and nodded her head and told me I was all set to go. Aamir nodded his head and said, "As soon as you get accepted don't think twice, and be sure to stay in touch." I smiled and proceeded through the doors, ready to embark on my Stanford discovery.
ekfoong   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College" [10]

Hey. Once again thanks for commenting on my essays.

As for yours, I am captivated by the subject matter. The levity of your cynicism distinguishes your essay from the rest - very wise choice...

If I had to give you one piece of advise -- keep it terse.

I'd say comb through once more. Although don't change your writing style. I find that in a couple of instances you reiterate the subject within your sentences. By eliminating that subject repetition you're forced to add structural variety and cut out a few words in the process :)

as for 2010ebby's grammar critiques. I agree with all of them except for...
After all, isn't it the ideal place where one finds theirhis or herone's future spouse? (parallel structure)

--edit--
I also really enjoyed the Bob Dylan throwback :)
ekfoong   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / I want to push the submit button tonight (Stanford) [19]

I just finished my Common App Essays too. so I've decided to post them up too so y'all can look at those too. Feel free to scrutinize and criticize and rip them to shreds :).

common app - In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer). ((Exactly 150 words! YAY!))

Cleats spray clouds of rubber pellets. Breaths are heavy. Eyes are alert. I cradle the ball down-field and yell, "Viking!" My teammates follow my command. Like automated humans we sprint towards the goal with raised sticks and fierce yells.

Hard work, sweat, and perseverance all climaxed to that point. My school considered Girls' Lacrosse to be a joke. As a junior, I was selected to be varsity captain, and I was determined to make a name for our team. I researched Northwestern University tactics, and led self-devised drills and activities. Every practice, I could see our improvement.

We were never expected to have a winning season. But, when we made it to play-offs, we proved everyone wrong. Confidence was restored in my teammates and within myself. Leadership cannot be taught. Leadership cannot be inherited. Leadership can be enhanced from within. After our season, I realized... I am a capable leader.

common app - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. ((eek... 980 words - help?))

My opponent and I shed our robes as we sized each other up. He stood at the opposite corner. His toothpick-like limbs miraculously held his body up. His arms appeared Neanderthal-like. Gravity acted upon the weight of his boxing gloves which seemed to elongate his arms until his knuckles dragged on the carpeted platform.

The air horn sounded. We circled the edge of the ring. Neither one of us wanted to throw the first punch. I think thirty seconds went by, I heard them chanting his name, "Sam. Sam. Sam." I could not bear the monosyllable repetition, so I aimed and fired my jab-punch combo right towards his face. My entire body lunged forward with so much force; I just might have punched the Y chromosomes right out of him.

I certainly do not fit the boxer image. I am a "pocket-sized" Asian female with an infatuation for tree hugging and peace protesting. My stature alone leads people to believe that there is no way I could inflict damage or even bruise an opponent. At first I never told anybody about boxing for fear of what they would say or think. Eventually, I came around to telling them. Unfortunately, now they always ask me, "Hey, why the heck do you box?" Sometimes I ponder the same question, but when my mind drifts back to that memory on June 25th, I instantly know the answer.

I can still remember the first time I punched a guy. It was a "money shot."I had been preparing years for that strike. I still remember the indescribable streak of red as my fist jolted forward and recoiled back. Only one word is needed to express what I felt at that moment: liberating.

Kickboxing is considered a boys' sport, which is definitely not true.
At class and practice, I always found myself acting as the one woman counter weight to compensate for the exceedingly lopsided female to male ratio. As a senior in high school, I am one of the only girl boxers in Chicago's northwest suburbs. As a ten year old I was the only girl playing boys' full-contact lacrosse. As a prospective student, I want to be an engineer despite the predominant male nature of my intended major.

Practically all of my potential opponents were of opposite gender, no one was willing to spar me. I frequented the water-girl position. Not one boy wanted to compromise his manhood to fight a girl. I understand why they forfeited. However, I don't think they understand how I felt. I sweat and fought my way to exhaustion, but that all went to waste with every spar rejection. My lust for competition died slowly. Never before had I accepted that boys were physically superior to girls. By the tenth forfeit and fifth tournament, sadly, I began to believe it's truth. I didn't feel competent, in any aspect. If I could not prove myself in the gymnasium, what other facets of my personality could be questioned. Did my word mean nothing anymore? Was my activism and protesting invalidated. Could I still pride myself on my emotional strength? My entire being fell under assault by my own stinging judgments.

On June 25th, I had full intention of pouring water into Dixie cups for my mates. My coach Ronnie, like every other invitational meet, recited to me, "I'll try my best to find you a fight." In the back of my mind, lingered the knowledge that I wasn't going to have my time in the ring. My best friend Dylan kept me company, he and the intermediate fighters had two hours until their first match. We joked around naming our jab(left) and punch(right) biceps. He named mine "cha" and "ching", respectively, because of my infamous jab-punch combination "money shot" on the hanging bags during open gym practices. I saw Ronnie approaching from my peripheral vision. His stern guise did not forebode well.

I found out I wasn't in trouble, because the next thing I knew, I was preparing for my first feather-weight match. For the first time, my glossy red gloves would be put to work. Dylan massaged my shoulders. Mark put on my headgear. David gave me a pep talk. All I could remember, were my empty eyes staring back at me through the mirror: this was it.

And so, there I was with my fists up, blood pumping, and eyes focused. At the split second after I threw the punch, realization hit me. We were equals since the moment we cast off our garb. Shedding the customary robe was symbolic. I always thought the fancy silk robes acted as frivolous props to boost the theatrical nature of a boxing match. But, when we took off our robes, it was as if both of us cast away all of our initial notions and inhibitions. It was as if we were both... naked. He and I were fighters, and that's all we were. For once, age didn't matter, race didn't matter, and gender didn't matter. The only things that counted at that moment were skill, strength, hard work, and determination.

I did end up losing the match, and I did end up with more respect from my male counterparts. However, most importantly, I did end up stronger and more self-confident. That moment liberated me. I felt free from the shackles of social norms and customary expectations. At that moment, all of my actions, thoughts, and emotions were validated; I could be whoever I want to be. Before, there was too much pressure to be a societal carbon copy, so I felt compelled to conceal a part of me. Nevertheless, I no longer have to hide my boxing skills. In fact, I appreciate boxing and everything it has done for me. The day of my self-actualization is my most valuable experience. Jab-punch. "cha-ching". June 25th, was the day of my "money shot."
ekfoong   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / I want to push the submit button tonight (Stanford) [19]

thanks so much guys. and I'll be returning the favor! to all of you.

I had to step out and clear my head. So, I chose to watch a movie.
- DO NOT WATCH THE vampire's assistant movie.
bad acting
bad storyline
just bad in general.

Thanks to all! I'm on cloud nine right now heehee.

I'm going to get started on a lot of reading...
of course after I push the submit button :)

here i go!

--edit--
P.S. that's not ronnie, that's my best friend will - check out his band (my favorite highway)

go ahead add me on facebook! a lot of people really like me to read their essay because apparently i'm a very harsh but helpful grader? I don't really know how valid their opinions are, but i'm just a writing enthusiast with a sharp tipped pen (or in this case keyboard).
ekfoong   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

you are telling me an awful lot... but I want you to SHOW me.
even through writing, actions speak louder than words.
think of that one(or a few) experience(s) that is the culmination of everything you want to say and let the readers know.

my advise
1) read the question out loud.
2) respond to the particular question in 1-2 sentences MAX (that's your focus)
3) write down step 2
4) get to writing!
5) SHOW me don't Tell me
6) when you think you're done READ THE ESSAY OUT LOUD. so many people are self-conscious of their work, but when you read something out loud... you are involving more of your senses than just sight. you're involving your senses, like audition, and vision, and perhaps maybe even taste, touch, and smell

--edit--
p.s. thanks for reading mine - I pushed the submit button :)
ekfoong   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / The Lifetime Challenge within Me - Common App Main Essay [7]

What were you doing when you wrote this?
I feel like you were sitting at your computer fiddling with an eraser and eating cereal while you were typing...
I think you need to write with more spontaneity. But, do not change your writing style. Sometimes the best writing just comes to you. think of what you want to say at first and not how you want to say it and write it down! once you have your thoughts in writing... they're visible. You don't have to scour the nooks and crannies of your brain anymore. When you write everything down when you feel it sometimes magic can be created.

I think your first sentence is very cliched.
vulpix pretty much hit everything right on the money.

Be confident. I feel like this is a good start!

--edit--
sorry I can see that you've already submitted.
Ahhh! sorry I'm so late at replying!
ekfoong   
Nov 1, 2009
Essays / Applying for the University of Miami... My essay is over the word limit--- what do I do? [8]

if colleges give you a word limit... STICK TO THE WORD LIMIT.

My dad is really good friends with a couple of college readers and they all say that when a prospective student goes over the word limit, immediately they question the student's ability to follow instructions.

Post it on here. I'm sure some of the many intelligent minds on here can help you out.
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering Essays. :) [4]

ESSAY 1: Given what you know about Olin College, please tell us why you think Olin is a good fit for you. Please keep your thoughts to no more than 500 words.

I guess my first encounter with the Olin college was an accident during my quest for college. However, intrigue and curiosity delved me into the world of what is Franklin W. Olin School of Engineering...

The tiny class size is the first thing that gravitated me towards Olin College. There is a high capacity for one-on-one attention with professors which enables a bright eyed-student like myself to forge relationships and take learning to another level. In addition, I value the idea of leaving my room and happily greeting everyone I see. I envision myself walking down the halls and waving to John from my physics class, or perhaps assisting Professor Christianson with her teetering coffee .

I believe that Olin College is one the rare institutions that truly represents the notion that "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts." Upon my visit, I sensed the community atmosphere that was incomparable to any other campus. Personally, I thrive upon group learning and interaction. Being surrounded with like-minded people, can provide me the challenges that I lust for. The exchange of ideas and open receptiveness to a motley of thoughts and opinions is my ideal college experience. Watching through the windows of the library I could see study groups lounging around talking with the most expressive and excited faces. That gave me assurance: I would fit right in. Without a doubt, I can envision myself at Olin College.

One of the most important qualities I can offer to the greater whole of Olin college, is my natural leadership, passion, curiosity, and imagination. I cast visions beyond merely a great education. I want to harness the values of what makes Olin College, Olin College and pair them with my enthusiasm, to perhaps start a club, join a sports team, tutor a friend, or give a presentation in class.

Albert Einstein once said, "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Imagination cannot be defined, and imagination is something that cannot be measured by a 2010 World News Report. However, imagination can be seen through the creativity of the students, heard by the lecturing professors, and felt by the tactile sensation that I could feel on campus. This profound, ubiquitous sensation is the final reason why I was drawn to Olin. At Franklin Olin College of engineering, I feel like the possibilities are endless... Einstein has his Bern Switzerland to fabricate and ponder the mysteries of the universe; perhaps in the future, I will have my Needham, Massachusetts.

ESSAY 2: One of the things that makes Olin so vibrant is the diversity of interests/passions that students bring to our community. Please describe how pursuing your passion has demonstrated leadership abilities, motivation, initiative, independence or ability to work with people. Please keep your thoughts to no more than 300 words. this one is really icky... i need help with this one. it's a bit...contrived?

Preserving life and beauty of the world around me has always been a passion of mine. I have been the labeled tree hugger since the 5th grade when my elementary school wanted to bulldoze a Crabtree that was blocking a teacher's view. True to the phrase, I hugged the tree until school officials peeled me off. At the expense of a detention, my efforts were rewarded. Since then I've been actively involved in Greenpeace, PETA, and have recently converted into a vegetarian.

Until this year, I only pursued my activism outside of school. But, with the encroaching senior year, I realized that I wanted to make an impact upon my school. For so long I passively observed my peers throw away perfectly recyclable sheets of white paper into the depths of the garbage cans only to inevitably end up among the countless tons of landfill space. I could no longer be a silent.

After innumerable meetings with my school's administrative office, I finally instituted a brand new Environmental Club. In doing so, I also organized the school's first recycling initiative. After requesting 217 plastic bins from our local IKEA, going green became a school-wide movement only with the help of my club members, the "go green" teacher committee, and the support of my parents and friends.

My hard work and time came to fruition only to reveal itself in a blossoming environmental consciousness unmatched by any other high school in the district. I'm simply amazed by how receptive my peers are. It only took one flicker to ignite the tinder of knowledge and awareness. Knowing that I was the tinder has instilled confidence within me more so than any game win, compliment, or award. Moreover, knowing that was able to motivate my peers was my greatest achievement.

if you want me to edit some of your stuff. please just comment below...
also check out some of my old posts... i guess my Stanford essays were received pretty well. thanks for reading:)
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering Essays. :) [4]

thanks for the quick response.

Usually i'm a much more eloquent writer... but the crunch of time is just making my writing sound like crap. I guess this is the life of a procrastinator :)

I feel like the second one doesn't address the question directly... does my anecdote express my "leadership abilities, motivation, initiative, independence or ability to work with people" well enough?
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

greetings! i'm returning the favor...

first off, I must say I respond really strongly to your writing style and aesthetic. :)

if you tacked that portion onto the end. I feel there would be a slight ripple in the fluidity of your piece. Personally I don't care for the placement of the first sentence of your addition. Perhaps a reword will solve that problem :)...

[[I am bettering myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley."]]

Suggestion:
"Yes, in reality Mr. Bingley was only a fish. But to me, Mr. Bingley is something greater. He taught me life does not consist solely of productivity or competition; sometimes life is just art, beauty."

if you utilized more tactile and concrete language for describing your dear Mr. Bingley (i love the pride and prejudice reference btw :]) then I feel this sentence gains more merit.

--edit--
i prefer this to your alternative choice... but it's a personal preference because I don't really feel comfortable evaluating someone else's devotion to their respective belief :)

so i do like the "secular" quality of this piece.
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I study physics during my free time" - MIT [7]

my other thread got deleted because I'm a horrible subject writer. So here goes!

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it.(100 words or fewer) i'm right on the money with 100 words! :)

"I study physics during my free time, " I say. My remark is usually replied with a perplexed face that communicates, "Are you crazy?"

Dare I say, I'm not crazy! I see physics in everything around me: when I'm snowboarding atop Wisconsin mountains- friction coefficient, when I listen to The Bravery or MGMT- longitudinal and compression sound waves, when I tinker with my solar panels- photoelectric effect.

Physics helps me to understand my world and my universe which gives me a unique satisfaction I can't attain by any other means. I know that physics phenomenon will phasinate me phorever.

thanks for reading :)
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Yale Supplement essay - (community is dynamic and eclectic) [10]

I find that there's a bit of a focus progression that just isn't tied together well... I think that the fundamental disconnect occurs in your second sentence? I read over that about 5 times. Personally, I don't quite like it.

from this essay I got that you...
want a diverse school body
worked at the yale immunology dept
want a student body that shares your niche

frankly with these three points you must use your words wisely. Eliminate/reword that sentence and you have 13 words of leeway to make your blup more cohesive.
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I study physics during my free time" - MIT [7]

thanks for the quick read :)

about that last line...
I was thinking if I wanted it to be examined online i might as well go all out to see how it's received!

overboard or good fit? -- perhaps it is a little overboard. haha!
ekfoong   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I study physics during my free time" - MIT [7]

sorry Katsch... I would reply to yours however I'm writing the exact same essay right now. I guess it's a stupid personal rule of mine that i don't really like reading similar prompts. i want to keep my writing a raw and organic compilation of my own thoughts. Give me a few hours until I finish mine, then I'd be happy to return the favor.

yeah. it is a bit much isn't it? I guess I was going for cute but it deff backfired. I never realized how nerdy I am until this tiny discussion. My red pen will definitely be busy slashing that out and revising.
ekfoong   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

my main questions are does the essay answer the question? & is it cohesive and focused?

if you'd like me to edit yours - feel free to comment :)

PROMPT: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest. 500 word max - it's ten words over, but that's easily fixable.

My passion for learning and science began at an early age primarily due to my hero, my grandfather. He encouraged me to embark upon curious adventures of the natural environment and to expand my imagination. With his support, I trekked upon a journey to a parallel universe where the magic of science and logic reign supreme. When I was 8 he bought me a journal for my birthday. Since then I've always loved keeping that bit of natural magic to myself in the form of a journal. Beyond observation, I loved to draw and record my findings so they may forever dwell within my grasp. Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, he has passed on. But his appreciation and encouragement for my knowledge exploration still lingers.

My fascination with science has never left me. Just this past, summer I was involved in a pharmacokinetic research project with my mentor Dr. Andurkar. Upon our quest to patent yet another anticonvulsant drug for epileptic patients, the same sensation of childhood enchantment again resurfaced. I have ventured far beyond my elementary school comprehension. Instead of watching the television, now I'm actually employing the concepts of gravity and body systems in calculations and studies alongside graduate students to find out truly which drug delivery mechanism to employ for the developmental amino anticonvulsant.

To develop a drug, one must first study the body. Needless to say after hours of peering through microscope lenses, I am simply amazed by the majesty and phenomena of what is mother nature. The perfect and specialized functions of cells, and the natural defense mechanisms of the body is simply staggering to observe. To know that I am a part of a lab team actively working with her to develop a therapeutic instrument, just makes me experience the frequent capricious thrill. The prowess of mother nature's functionality came to life: beyond my pages of recorded statistics, and beyond the pages of my observational journals.

The next step in my education is to explore colleges that can provide me with the greatest potential to continue my passions - Cornell is that institution. I have hopeful dreams to continue dabbling in the field of drug and delivery systems. Particularly I'd like to stray from epileptic studies to the field of oncology in honor of my grandfather. I imagine myself taking a class under Professor Claudia Fischbach-Teschl, utilizing her expertise in tissue-engineered model systems and cancer metastasis patterns perhaps in the future I may be a part of the revolutionary progression to find the cure for cancer.

Through my experience with Mr. Andurkar and his lab team I've learned that I relish the team atmosphere of developmental science. Moreover, as an art aficionado and a science enthusiast, I loved being able to marry my logical intuition and the artistic majesty of mother nature. I only hope to continue my scientific enchantment with the inspiration of my grandfather to bring life beyond the pages of my journal. Perhaps one day my passions will come to fruition to develop solutions that have the capacity to change peoples' lives.
ekfoong   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Cornell Engineering? -- a disjointed essay about joints? [8]

as promised... i have finished my own cornell engineering piece.

for starters. I feel like i need to go back and edit my own piece. because yours simply blows mine out of the water. it also doesn't help that we're both applying for the same major :). Much like your quest to seek joint fluidity, your essay has an easy fluidity to it as well. After reading it, I've realized that your piece has a very pleasant progression.

Frankly it's focused and eloquent and I hate to say it but i don't know what advice I can give you to improve your essay - it's marvelous.

sorry i wasn't much help. :/
ekfoong   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering short answers [5]

question...
do the 300 character prompts need to be in sentence format? I wrote them more as a compounded list
ekfoong   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Hey BEN what can I contribute to your community? (UPENN supp) [2]

PROMPT TIME!Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community? (ONE PAGE MAX)

It's kinda long? Please, get your scissors out and cut it up!

I strive to be a Benjamin Franklin. Of course not in the sense that he's a man and possesses a Y chromosome, but more or less because he was a colonial renaissance man. He did it all: science, combat, diplomacy, and activism. I share in his sentiment of exploration through a complete spectrum possibilities to discover the boundless riches that the world has to offer.

Activism and the American Revolution solidified Benjamin Franklin's legacy. As well, there is a "Green Revolution" currently ensuing. As an environmental activist, and leader of the Chicagoland Greenpeace and PETA youth coalition, I have forged new environmentally conscious pathways. I founded my school's first environmental club, and went on to institute the very first student operated recycling program. I wish to be a member of UPenn's Environmental Group. The Environmental Group provides a lofty and committed platform from which students can really affect change. Additionally, I believe that the nature of the UPenn community is incredibly appreciative and open towards the notion of the Environmental Group. I was simply beaming when I heard that UPenn is converting a 24 acre plot of asphalt into "a thriving green ribbon." It is actions such as these which gives me hope that I can use my leadership and visionary skills to augment the UPenn community and perhaps the Philadelphia community as well.

Since childhood, I have found fascination amongst my organic world. Whilst growing up, my grandfather's encouragement refined my artistic eye and eventually my passion for art and science coalesced into one. Inquiry and observation reign supreme and I have come to the realization that Biomedical Engineering is the answer to my queries. Biomedical engineering is the means by which I can express the factual innovation of science while maintaining the organic creativity of the fine arts that I so arduously desire. Involvement in the Biomedical Engineering Society will present opportunities and discussion forums that can catalyze my knowledge enrichment. Like Benjamin Franklin's electrical investigations, perhaps with my unique "artistic" approach to science the Biomedical Engineering Society may provide a platform for me to make a revolutionary discovery.

Above all else, I would like to fulfill the role of diplomat. I still remember the day when embarked upon my first UPenn tour. My friendly tour guide had a beaming smile while narrating his personal anecdotes about why he loved UPenn. By the time we made our way back to College Hall, I felt like I was with him during his experiences. He made me fall in love with UPenn. I painted images of my roommate pillow fights in Gregory House, my late night cram sessions at Van Pelt library, my Quaker football game experiences at Franklin field. I wish to join the Kite and Key Society because of their high school outreach programs, tutoring commitment, overnight hosting, community service actions, and tour guiding. Essentially, I hope to use my own story of enchantment as inspiration to represent the prowess and legacy of the Quaker to other hopefuls so they may fall in love with UPenn as I have.

As a high school senior and prospective Quaker, I am approaching university with an open-mind to capture new knowledge, and a readiness to use my personal tools of leadership and audacity to augment the community. The University of Pennsylvania is right research institution for me because of the rich culture - both in and out of class - inspires students to not only observe, but experience. According to Benjamin Franklin, "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest." I am ready to invest in the University of Pennsylvania.
ekfoong   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / May 3rd, 1998 -- Pepperdine Essay [4]

for starters I apologize... I couldn't find your Boston UNI essay! if you can link it I'd be more than happy to read another of your essays :)

November 20th 1992, the day I was born, was the day I stepped hesitantly into a world of uncertainty
...
May 3rd 1998, the day I was baptized, was the day I stepped, with certainty, into a pool of water that was meant to save me.

I'm not sure if the parallelism between the first uncertainty and the second certainty is purposeful. Unfortunately, I find it a bit contrived? probably because the structure isn't paralleled. I think if you do go for the element of repetition, you should make the sentence structures more similar. Also, I think the May 3rd sentence has a bit too many commas :)

...Faith and devotion to the lord are something I will always have but without the knowledge of how to use it I will not be able to fulfill God's purpose for me . The two go hand in hand; I need faith God??? as he leads me down my path and trust in myself to try new things. More importantly though , I need to learn from every experience in order to really understand myself as well as accept my destiny.

I like your last sentence!

hope my Comments and critique helped! :)
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

PROMPT Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors ...identify one or two majors that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

As I paint, I notice my hand gripping the brush with gingerly firmness. There's a simple intricacy about the biological mechanisms beneath the skin. Bone holds the structure. Flesh delicately shapes each finger. Tiny intertwined nerves send pressure signals and receive motor impulses. The hand may seem so simple, but through the eyes of an art aficionado and a science enthusiast, it is naturally engineered brilliance.

Biomedical engineering was never a sudden realization for me. My fascination with biomedical engineering was enhanced with every news article I read about cancer advancements, every volunteer visit to the hospital's pediatric oncology department, and every research lab I conducted with my mentor Dr. Andurkar. However the most profound moment of realization came with the death of my grandfather.

He was my best friend, my art teacher, and my hero. He taught me to see the beauty that rests within nature and encouraged me to express my organic wonder through the medium of charcoal and acrylic paint. When I was 8 he bought me a journal for my birthday. Since then I've always kept at least a pen and paper close at hand to capture the spontaneous beauty of nature in order to keep that bit of biological magic within my grasp. Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, he has passed on. But his appreciation and encouragement for my art, knowledge, and exploration continue to linger.

As a student of science I can identify the health problems that distress society. As a student of art I see the opportunity to use my creativity to solve these medical quandaries.

The Johns Hopkins Whiting School of Engineering possesses endless amounts of resources and is at the forefront of the biomedical engineering research. I only hope to be a part of this great community so I can mimic the mastery of Mother Nature herself. I find inspiration in Johns Hopkins's selection of premier staff and facilities. Particularly, I'm drawn to the work of professor Kevin J. Yarema with oligosaccharides to study breast cancer cell metastasis. With the death of my grandfather, I only hope to continue trekking along the path of oncology research. Johns Hopkins University is the best vehicle for a bright-eyed student, like myself, to go one step further than basic sketching and observation to delve into the artistic practice of biomedical engineering.

I crave to extend beyond than the Darwinian model of observation and theorization because I want to create beauty. I believe biomedical engineering is my destined path because I hunger to express the factual innovation of science while maintaining the organic creativity of the fine arts. With a Blue Jay education, and the remembrance of my grandfather, I believe my individual skills can complement mother nature with the splendor of an engineered aesthetic.
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]

I'm returning the favor! yay! A lot of these are personal tweaks. by all means please feel free to use or not use my suggestions.

as far as grammar goes - you're in the clear by my eyes:)

Infinite "why"s did I ask to myself for a long time

I don't quite like the structure of this sentence. It was somewhat of a "clunky" sentence when I gave it a read, in that it stopped the fluidity.

Moreover, why do we dream?

eliminate the moreover. There is a great parallel structure progression with the questions and the moreover breaks the smoothness.

my world is made out of them

i thought that was a bit unnecessary and odd? as well

I once thought that I had one foot in sciences and one in humanities and that I would eventually have to make a choice between the two. Today I have realized I have already made my choice - wonderful enough to blend my two inclinations in a perfect direction: Neuroscience.

this is an "empty assertion" i don't know how you came to this conclusion. and this seems to be one of those vital statements. Frankly all i know is that you've studied biology and feel particularly drawn to the subject, and Alzheimer's is a example from which I can see that you truly would love to study neuroscience. i like the direction that you've elected to end your essay with, however i hate to say, i don't understand it with as much clarity as i'd like.

Now, I believe that Johns Hopkins will help me find all the other answers I am looking for...

clarify who all the others are perhaps? at first read I thought your were writing of ... all the other prospective students too :)

enjoy!
P.S. I'm right with you! a few more tweaks then submit - yikes!
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

I know. I remember thinking the same thing when I was reading yours! argh.

I didn't want to say anything because that was for Cornell - I've had this one written - honest! So after commenting on your other post I said a foul language to myself because of the similarities. But then I was like that's for Cornell...

but i guess that's not the case anymore gah!

this is making me really worried. because our Cornell essays will be the extremely similar as well. I don't want to be associated with unoriginality.

I will return to the word processor, to do some tweaking as I detect there is a dangerous amount of similarity there too.
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / LMU critical thinking situation - POKER [4]

I really like your essay! It's light-hearted, and a great example that encompasses all of the qualities that you wanted to convey! I'm a poker buff as well. (you can usually find me on full tilt @ 1 in the morning :) )

In addition, I had to maintain my own façade as to not reveal my winning hand. I sighed and leaned back on my chair to make my opponents think I had weak cards when I did not; or I would subtly widen my eyes to suggest that my cards were good even though they were not.

i thought this was a bit random. I say nix it, I'm not entirely sure if the relevance is there.

This time I was lucky. I was ...

i think it can do without the "this time i was lucky" because before hand you said that you never took risks. and the two butt heads a little.

on that note. I do like the notion that you've presented that it's not gambling if it's a sure thing. However, I have a question. do you not take risks at all or do you only take favorably calculating risks? Because There is a slight difference between the two.

Enjoy!
Emily
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Ugh first sentences. Nothing is as gripping as that hand analogy is it? (pardon the pun). But, i must resist temptations to use it. I find that the hand analogy is what makes our pieces eerily similar, because the notion of coupling art and science is fairly common.

On that note, great minds think alike, and it is nice to find someone that thinks and feels the same way about art and science on the internet.

back to the word processor... poop.
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Okay. great I changed my first essay as well. I entirely changed the hand portion to more of a focus of the face...

no need to apologize... in fact I'm sorry about making you change your essay.

Thanks for the feedback! I'm submitting tonight :)
ekfoong   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]

Now, I believe that Johns Hopkins will help me find all the other answers I am looking for...

clarify who all the others are perhaps? at first read I thought your were writing of ... all the other prospective students too :)

I feel like an idiot :) that was a dumb question and i'm sorry for putting you through the confusion of having to answer that. haha! I didn't go to sleep last night (stress induced insomnia) so that's the excuse for that slip up!

anyways about the latter "...Neuroscience..." statement. I guess I don't equate love for people with humanities necessarily, if you get what I'm saying. I always perceived humanities were a study of the arts and social studies and not just "love of people"? if that makes sense. but I can see it now. :)
ekfoong   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UPENN - Jerome Fisher M&T: Business + Engineering (is it smooth & cohesive?) [3]

Hello readers! I need other sets of eyes to examine this piece. Only 50 students get accepted into this programs. So, obviously essays play a large factor in determining who's in and who's out.

It was pretty difficult to write, i think because of the focus. But hopefully you guys can tell me if it's cohesive and if it flows. Thanks for reading! :)

PROMPT: Discuss your interest in combining management and technology. How might Penn's coordinated dual-degree program in business and engineering help you to meet your goals? Please be sure to address the nature and extent of your interests in both business and engineering.


"Emily! Mrs. Finnegan wants 100 shirts by the weekend!" my mother shouts as she takes a phone order. I smile and resume mixing the emulsifier for a new screen. Never did I think that my home screen print company would be a profitable success. About two years ago, I was perusing the t-shirt racks of an overpriced store when it hit me, "Heck! I could make all this myself!" And so it began.

Emily's Printing Co. was launched with a lofty vision, dogmatic motivation, research, start-up cash, proper tools, and product demand from peers, school sports teams, and neighbors. Initially beginning from a hand constructed screen and small containers of ink and emulsifier, this garage-brainchild has achieved phenomenal results.

If there's anything I've learned from my entrepreneurial experience with Emily's Printing Co., it's that operations and design must function in harmony. I've realized that my success was built upon a strong foundation of business acumen paired with engineering savvy. As a student of business I create numerical models to extrapolate and interpret product profitability and product pricing. As a student of engineering I see the opportunity to augment my production. I devised better screen construction by altering the placement of hinges or using a mortise and tenon joint between frame sides to resist the screen stretching. I carved better base boards to resemble the proper stretch of a t-shirt upon the body. I wrote better computer programs to better fit my number crunching. All of which aided production and boosted efficiency to help my achieve success that before was unimaginable!

Since I was a child I have frequently dabbled in both business engagements and engineering projects. I still remember the elementary school days when I used my emergent analytical skills to evaluate profit margin during recess lunch trades. I was also quite the engineer constructing epic Knex fortress residences for my Barbies™. Since then, my endeavors have evolved significantly. I am now the manager of a local band (Last Avenue) and as aforementioned a proud entrepreneur. Additionally, I have translated engineering from the platform of Knex to the realm of microscopes and centrifuges. I am now exploring the field of bioengineering at Abbott labs with my mentor Dr. Andurkar and his studies of drug systems delivery.

I only hope to fuse the principles of business and engineering in other applications beyond my screen printing company. Moreover, I possess a passion for engineering and an innate allure towards business. I believe it is inevitable that both paths of engineering and business merge will together to define my future no matter what I do. Thus, I embrace the spirit of the Jerome Fisher Management & Technology Program. I treasure the freedom of exploration through the personalized curriculum. I appreciate the phenomenal staff that enrich the M&T program. Ultimately, I value the "beyond the classroom" learning as I've found my greatest learning occurs when textbook concepts are applied to the real world.

I understand the rigors of the Management & Technology Program. Moreover, I understand the potency of my entrepreneurial spirit, the might of my motivation, and the strength of my aspirations. With a "Penngineering" education I will hone my individual assets in combination with my learned skills to achieve my dreams. I have dreams of being at the helm of a pharmaceutical company - perhaps Abbott labs; dreams of using my creative, technical, and business savvy simultaneously to achieve success; and dreams of being the best version of me that I can be. According to Benjamin Franklin, "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest." I am ready to invest in the University of Pennsylvania's Jerome Fisher Program in Management & Technology.
ekfoong   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Dangerously High Risk Essay: Yale & Brown [20]

I can see that you'd like to keep this so I'll try to give a bit of constructive criticism?

aside from the similarity...
honestly I just see a lot of empty and general assertions. If you choose to pursue the comical and outlandish structure of the Gallagher essay I suggest you brainstorm a few other examples that communicates more profound characteristics.

On an end note these types of essays makes me think of Dos Equis & the most interesting man in the world. haha.
ekfoong   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Calvin and Hobbes influenced my life - Common App [8]

She loved books; they were on the same tier to her ("Brain Food") as salmon, carrots, and broccoli.

I liked this sentence a lot :)

my parents that they did not go to college so that I could.

contrary to Lewis Clark I believe it is fine. Both subjects ("they" and "I") are modifying the single object of "going to college"

he was using his imagination to craft worlds and fantasies while I was storing mine in a dusty compartment in the back of my mind.

Maybe it's me but I do not like the last phrase. I think "storing" implies the negative connotation of withholding. Perhaps "saving" or another synonym will communicate that you will express your stoic creativity in the future at the opportune moment. Sorry i'm really picky about connotation :)

**I find that your third paragraph talks too much about calvin. I understand you want to create parallelism between he and you to highlight your character... however I feel like i'm learning more about Calvin! I want to know more about you! My advise would be to compound the initial sentences of the paragraph. With that newly established brevity you will naturally find that YOU need to elaborate more about yourself in order to maintain that dualism with calvin. If that makes sense :)

Since the day I picked up my first Calvin and Hobbes anthology, I've read every single strip of Calvin and Hobbes through the anthologies countless times.

anthology is such a distinct word, && the proximity between the two anthologies kind of irks me :)

I like the Calvin and Hobbes throwback. I too loved C&H I even have a watterson signed copy (not the printed signed - actual pen) :] You have a great foundation. I want to see it revised!
ekfoong   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm actually really excited to meet you; Stanford Roommate Essay [11]

I don't quite like the beginning... as aforementioned I don't think the adcom members would appreciate the blunt straight forward reference. Sorry, I find it a bit contrived.

I appreciate the colloquial language, however I think it's a bit too true to vernacular (ex. "I mean", you negate previously written statements, "Super Awesome Roommate" etc)

Basically, I want to know more about you!

P.S. I've read an eloquent and very similar essay to yours. I can't quite remember where it is, but watch out! it's eerily similar with fatherly discussions about philosophy and the need to fill that void, also with a distinct phrase such as "discussion duo" it's easy to remember the similarity despite the hundreds of essays i've read... just giving you a heads up! :)
ekfoong   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering: One of your engineering idea and haw will Cornell help you [6]

no prob I can take a look at your essays... I consider myself a tough reader. Unfortunately, the username link won't work on my comp for some reason so if you could reply links, that would be nice. If you could return the favor that would be even more nice :P (my UPENN - Jerome Fisher M&T essay really needs work!)
ekfoong   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn: 217 - grandfather, cranes, and faulkner! [5]

this is page 217 of my autobiography. feel free to get your red pens out and edit the craziness out of it ;)

question: I guess a read of AS I LAY DYING is necessary to understand the reference at the end... but is the last faulkner reference odd?


nothing else to observe but the sterility so I turned to my favorite book.

Despite the brilliance of Faulkner, I could not concentrate at all. Maybe it's because I was nervous, or maybe because I'm scared, or maybe the asylum white walls are starting to get to my head. In any case, hospitals always evoke memories of my grandfather. He was my best friend, my teacher, and my hero and I absolutely hate the fact that I associate such a great man to such a bland environment.

Baba was bed ridden with pancreatic cancer. I can still remember the hot and humid Malaysian climate and the hospital room where he first taught me the ways of origami. I would stay by his side while the silent animations of my parents, aunts, and uncles arguments played out like a television program through the clear glass window.

Despite the dim hospital atmosphere, Baba and I restored vivacity by folding cranes. His lean fingers quivered as he creased the paper in a methodical manner. From time to time, his smokers' cough broke the tranquility. Moments later he would weakly shoot me a smile silently reassuring me everything was okay. I labored away for two weeks in order to fold the perfect crane that would win his approval.

My 139th crane was the one. The white paper exuded brilliance beyond any of its other predecessors. I presented my bit of paper magic to him. He smiled and said in a hushed tone, "I guess my work here is done." That night he passed away. There is a legend that if one folds one thousand paper cranes, the soul can achieve eternal peace. With his warm scent of cigar smoke and his fond memories fresh in mind, I knew I had to finish his journey. In two days, I folded the remaining 861 cranes.

if
Vardaman's mother is a fish.

then
My grandfather is a crane.
ekfoong   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn Supplement: Bioengineering + EWB [12]

It is a great essay. however, I wish you elaborated more on what qualities, skills, etc. you possess now and how they will augment Penn. You speak well-versed volumes of how penn is for you... but think to yourself: how are you for penn?

I just want you to present the best version of you as possible. and if you answer my question that will turn this essay from great to fantastic. :)

hope I helped. - I'm a pretty rough reader, and I'm sorry I can't meticulously edit for grammar. My eyes are killing me! Perhaps i'll take another look in the future and go through it with a fine tooth comb like my other read throughs.

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