Undergraduate / failure, extreme sport, turning point - choosing essay topic [2]

Out of your 3 choices, it's obvious to me that your best choice would be the third question as you don't have a positive response to the first 2 questions.

Based on what you wrote, you are able to answer it well: "true turning point comeS when I realize who I am, what is my mistake in the past and what I want to do in the future."

Try writing an outline of the three points i.e.
1) your realization of who you are
2) what was the mistate in the past you learnt the most from
3) what you want to do in the future

That should make a good essay.

Undergraduate / "A sense of who you are" - Columbia Application Essay [5]

Wow - you commuted for 12 years to the same school? Not sure how many hours you spent at school, but let's say on average 7 hours per day, this means the commute is 22% of your school day!! Did you travel alone from Grade 1? As you grew up and became more independent, how did the commute change? Assuming your essay answers the topic prompt "the experiences which have shaped your life" I would have liked to learn more about these topics (in red) as they help me get to know you better (from your next to last sentence:)

In addition to many happy and sad memories (examples?) , they have endowed me with a great spirit of fortitude and perseverance (examples?) as I rode each day through all weathers (I THINK THIS SHOULD BE WEATHER CONDITIONS) merely because I knew I had to . (THIS LEAVES THE READER HANGING - GIVE A STRONGER REASON.) I am sure that this spirit will help me stay on track (WHAT DOES STAYING ON TRACK MEAN TO YOU? JUST PASSIVELY SITTING ON THE TRAIN AND WAITING UNTIL IT ARRIVES?) as I stop by the many stations the railroad of life (WHAT DOES STOPPING BY MANY STATIONS MEAN TO YOU?) has to offer me.

Your writing flows well and this was easy to read. Your topic has a lot of potential which can easily be further developed!!

Undergraduate / An Opportunity Of A Life Time [3]

Is the essay question about an opportunity of a lifetime? Or a meaningful achievement? Instead of clamming many accomplishments from the first sentence, wouldn't it be better to leave this to the reader (maybe rephrase by "path that led to transformative growth.") LIkewise, you write: because my actions displayed dedication, commitment, and optimism. Wouldn't it to show this with specific experiences (instead of telling the reader your opinion and conclusion?)

For instance, you talk about being able to reduce the tuition fee thanks to sponsorship but miss the opportunity to impress the reader by explaining how you secured Merrill's funding.

but my limited knowledge was actually an advantage, WHY - please give examples.

The incident about the man with a taser in the bus is dramatic but tangential to demonstrate your bravery when your essay is about dedication & perseverance.

Undergraduate / Essay about my superhero in my childhood, which was my mother [13]

One comment I'm not sure you addressed (but then maybe this has been communicated to you in your language by others) is what is the best and worse trait you have "inherited" from your mother. The essay should be about YOU - and how your mother shaped you to be the unique persona you are. It isn't about how good of a mother she is.

Specifically, did she inspire you to be a leader or a doctor (you write only about her accomplishments, not their influence on you in these 2 excerpts:)

1) "She is very helpful, she is in charge of a private charity association which helps many families. It assists with habitat,education for poor children and health."

2) She is very helpful, she is in charge of a private charity association which helps many families. It assists with habitat,education for poor children and health.

3) She damages herself (DO YOU MEAN SHE WORKS TOO HARD AND THIS AFFECTS HER HEALTH? and I must admit she is very successful. IS SHE A ROLE MODEL FOR YOU?? WOULD YOU FOLLOW HER EXAMPLE AND WORK TO THE DETRIMENT OF YOUR HEALTH?

Undergraduate / "Small gestures in Japanese Culture" - Common app prompt [6]

The problem I have with your essay on gift giving being the most important aspect (?) or learning (?) of your month in Japan is that you don't write about any real personal interaction. I would think that unless your japanese is fluent, how did you communicate with your host family? Did you use body language? What I am getting at is that I am missing all the human interaction that takes place prior, culminating in the gift giving.

Sorry to resort to this overused cliche but you are telling and not showing. Specifically, in this sentence: I experienced the "lasting friendships" and the "warm acceptance" of my host family. (IT WOULD HELP IF YOU RECOUNT AN INCIDENT THAT MADE YOU FEEL THIS)

I found this the heart of your essay "it wasn't the value of the gift that was important but was the action of giving itself." I would have liked a better understanding of why the act of giving was important or fulfilling to you. I can't believe that your gratification comes just from grateful smiles.

"The true satisfaction in the end was receiving the grateful smiles that were on my host parents' faces on that first day." DID YOU ALREADY GIVE THEM GIFTS FROM THE FIRST DAY? The last day would be more credible (and their smiles more sincere...)

Undergraduate / Essay about my superhero in my childhood, which was my mother [13]

The second example I wrote above should have been this one:

2) She is a very strong woman who is a wonderful mother, wife and doctor at the same time.

( didn't catch that the first example was repeated...)

Undergraduate / Essay on career progression/goals and how MBA would help in the long run [5]

I like the poem, too. It leads nicely into your second paragraph:
But, 6 months back (SIX MONTHS AGO,) I had two roads to choose from. One with a journey as a consultant, something I have been working for over the past seven years and the other as a social reformer, something I begun three years back. (TRY TO USE A MORE SPECIFIC WORD THAN 'something' and the verb 'have been working' if you are still doing this now.)

You repeatedly use the term (xyz YEARS or months BACK) and should simplify by recounting events in some order or chronology.

Then you can continue with your first paragraph:
After graduating from ISB, I plan to start a NGO to help underprivileged children build a sustainable living (WOULD HELP TO GET SPECIFICS OF HOW.)

This next section doesn't really fit - do you intend to demonstrate your qualifications as a consultant? (What kind of consultant?) Maybe this fits better when you talk about building your skill set by attending ISB:

Five years back, I envisioned myself as a strategic consultant in a big four (WHAT BIG FOUR??) Ever since I worked towards it by building my credibility and knowledge. I authored international papers, gained certifications and worked with one of the best consulting firms in India.

Undergraduate / Common app short answer "Fencing" [3]

Fencing is a good topic for the short essay. You might want to reorder your examples to fit your second sentence on learnings and add in teamwork as you mentioned this towards the end.

Every time I lose a Bout, I am grateful to my opponent for pointing out the areas I need improvement in (DOES YOUR FENCING PARTNER ACTUALLY POINT THEM OUT TO YOU?? Or DO YOU LEARN FROM HIS WINNING MOVES?? OR DOES YOUR OPPONENT SUCCEED TO FIND YOUR AREA OF VULNERABILITY??) Losing has taught me to value the chance to learn and improve from losses more than the fleeting taste of victory. (TRY REPHRASING THIS TO BE MORE SUCCINCT TO HAVE MORE PUNCH AS AN ENDING - LIKE A JOUST.)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay about Tennis help [4]

I really love tennis and have played for my town's team since I was 11 so I can understand the generalities you write about. But how about those who don't play tennis. Also keep in mind that everyone who plays tennis probably experienced the same things (making friends, fitness hobby, self-confidence.) Maybe instead of a laundry list, you can focus on what was the most important LIFE-CHANGING aspect of tennis that (in your last sentence) made you realize that (you) could be more if (you) wanted.

This decision literally changed my high school life, and got me where I am today. HOW? YOU NEED TO GIVE SOME SPECIFIC (CONVINCING) EXAMPLES. HOW DOES THE READER KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE WHOLE THING UP?

Undergraduate / interesting or amusing story about yourself - UGA prompt [8]

Dramatic first essay!! Are you the first grandson? Doesn't that make your being present for his death more important?? More suggestions and pointers for the first essay:

-When I had arrived (UPON ARRIVAL), I saw him, motionless, but still breathing. Our gazes met and locked; his piercing eyes stared into mine and I could see the pain within him. (HOW COULD YOU SEE PAIN WITHIN HIM? MAYBE YOU SAW PAIN IN HIS EYES?) Wow, you were lucky to see him right before he died!!

-I am a representational image of my family. (I REPRESENT MY FAMILY)

-It was I who turned on the cremator (WHO OR WHAT IS THIS??) NOT CLEAR

-My family and I then migrated to the river (METHINKS YOU MEAN CROSSED THE RIVER??)

I also liked your second essay, especially this part - made a verb and pronoun correction:

Being uptight and introverted just restrictS my way of living so I have discarded those characteristics. We (WHO IS WE - D'YOU MEAN "I??") have far more in common

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Tae Kwon Do tournaments and gold medals [7]

Given that you only have 17 words rewriting the last sentence, maybe link it to looking forward to being part of the college team or another meaningful activity? Or linking college to the gold medals?? Be creative!!

Undergraduate / "Peace Lines" - Significant Experience Essay [6]

Even in a rush to meet your Friday deadline, I had to read your essay twice to figure out why it took awhile to get into it. I venture to guess that its because of the "it" in the first sentence.

The guide book said it wasn't to be missed.
I don't know what the "it" is until the third paragraph (first sentence.) I am still not sure if "it" is the Peace Line or the Troubles. So any reader who isn't familiar with your topic will probably stumble on the same bump.

and awed (IS AWE A VERB??) at the impressively elaborate

The saying in your second paragraph makes for a good attention-getter - maybe start with that? And you have the opportunity to put more energy in the essay (instead of being like a diary journal) by using as many active verbs as you can (in place of I had, made, could etc.)

Undergraduate / drexel: digital media [3]

This is a strong essay. You write well. To be helpful, only minor suggestions:

I remember (THIS REPEATS THE REMEMBER USED IN THE FIRST SENTENCE - INSTEAD HOW ABOUT PUTTING IN YOUR AGE i.e. At 10 years of age, I printed) printing out birthday cards for my friends, eagerly waiting for the inkjet printer to cease its whirring so I could proudly showcase my creation.

With all these years of interest in mind THIS IS NOT QUITE RIGHT , I wish to continue my passion as a Digital Media major at Drexel University.

Undergraduate / The Special Needs Student that Could- University of California Prompt 1 [4]

Firstly, this is an impressive resume. Your last paragraph really is impressive and conveys well all you have accomplished (your growth since high school.) It's clearly presented that digital media is your passion and equalizer (i.e. makes you no longer a "special needs" student.) You've worked hard to earn that and despite obstacles (like after high school when you were discouraged because there were no new media classes offered in the community college,) you found your way back to your passion.

The last paragraph really flows well and your voice comes through. My suggestions for the last sentence (besides the correction below):
Obtaining a degree in film/new-media will better enable me to express the human condition through a dynamic medium. In doing this, I hope to make the world we live in a better place. (THIS MAY BE A BIT BORING BUT THAT TO ME, IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING...)

Today, I am proud to of (to HAVE) discovered my niche.

Student Talk / Common app - I only 150 words, but a minimum was 250. [16]

Just send the same essay with an extra 100 words. If your 150 word essay was well-expressed, the reduced verbage should NOT have a irreversible detrimental effect on your application! DHL or Fedex it to a specific admissions officer if you can't do it on-line. And keep proof that you sent it just in case they claim never to have received it...

Undergraduate / Essay about my life - Common app essay [7]

Zeem, this is a beautiful essay and your life is a very special one (not many people can write of experiences like yours.) It was easy to read through your essay so I only had very few comments or corrections to make to help you improve it:

bounds (BOUNDARIES) of my knowledge

Even though school finished (I FINISHED SCHOOL) three years ago, I still feel the enthusiasm I had for science very strongly (MY ENTHUSIASM = PASSION FOR SCIENCE IS UNDINIMISHED ??)

my blood (BLOODLINES) came from.

I like your ending - but the verb of the last phrase could be different (you repeat "know"):
I feel that I am at the perfect place right now, and know exactly what I want from my future years in college. Now, when I ask myself "What do you think will happen to you in the next five years?" I only smile, and know that I am ready for anything."

Undergraduate / Actuary - ctive person, sport - Statement of purpose (why they must choose me) [3]

UT Austin is an excellent school.

Playing admissions officer, I think you stand a strong change of getting in. Your essay is fine even with small language errors. I won't try to perfect it - just give you feedback on the important parts:

1) In this case my dream is a little bit simpler. (IN MY CASE, THE DREAM IS A...)
2) In my opinion, a good startup (DO YOU MEAN A STARTUP COMPANY??) , reasonable plan and resulting completion are the basis for everything we (YOU STARTED WITH THE "I" PRONOUN) do. Therefore when I wake up everyday in the morning, I determine the goals which I need to achieve today, I make my own plan. The new day has started, I am ready to squeeze maximum from it. I go on and follow the Sun in the sky. (TRY TO MAKE THE SENTENCES WITHOUT USING "I" -IT'S REPETITIOUS WITH TOO MANY.)

3) It would help to know why you choose to study Actuarial Science - it's a pretty specialized field
4) Your final sentence ending: because every moment is the choice, which determines our further life. (A CHOICE WHICH DETERMINES OUR FUTURE LIFE)

Undergraduate / "the lessons I have learnt from my parent's pasts" - UC Prompt 1 [6]

I like your opening and your diversity should be highlighted in your essay. It's nearly impossible to get into the UC's you listed unless you are from CA (and living in England will be an advantage.) If you are from England, you should mention why going to school in California is your aspiration.

Other than your parent's financial limitations and your successful and diverse boarding school performance, why is going to "university in America; something that has always been a dream of mine." Why is it for you "the best and broadest education available worldwide, both in terms of the curriculum and the life lessons I would learn along the way"

One typo:
I started to realise (REALIZE) the value

Undergraduate / 'The soccer ball game' - MIT short answer: something you like to do. [6]

Really cool take on soccer. The only part that could be strengthened is to avoid the use of "I may" twice. You can combine the sentences i.e. Whether in the burning sun or soaking rain, nonchalantly kicking... or ...scoring a goal in the final, simply the ability to control. ... gives me satisfaction.

Undergraduate / Art of mind; Nine types of intelligences [4]

It's an interesting essay about your unique approach to artistic ability and I really loved what you expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph. However, the prompt asked you to identify with and discuss a few personal experiences that show your strength and/or weakness in this area of intelligence Which of the seven does this fall under? Spatial, existential?

p.s. I think google has a street map program that does exactly what you described in your second paragraph.

Undergraduate / "A sense of who you are" - Columbia Application Essay [5]

Writing about how you developed over time (i.e. reflected in specific aspects of the commute that evolved over 9 years) sounds good. The third paragraph "The train ride..." could be your opening.

It's straight to the point.

Undergraduate / "Prom" - Creativity Essay [4]

Am I totally off the mark and miss your "creativity" in making the graduation ceremony a "prom night??'' theme??? To put it tactfully, it was not at all clear that this Prom nite occasion was the graduation event. It seemed to me like combining one theme with another - the only difference being the Oscar like trophies - is this a compelling example of your creativity?

And double check to be sure your closing sentence ties in with the prompt - as well as the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Small gestures in Japanese Culture" - Common app prompt [6]

Much more coherent essay.
This is interesting imagery. Some suggestions (in CAPS) to make the analogies more vivid and link back to your conclusion that simple gestures of kindness or generosity (gift-giving) are what bridge the gap between not only different cultures but mankind:

The tapestry of culture in the world is majestic; it consists of many bits of fabric that make up the world. Holding together those fabrics are the small stitches that bind everything together. In my perspective, different THE ASPECTS THAT REACH OUT ACROSS cultures are those important stitches. For me, a certain stitch impacted me the most, the Japanese culture of gift-giving and small gestures (??).

Some word is missing here (and correction in red:
From... (??) , I realized that gift giving and small gestures servesD as the basis for building friendships. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TIE THE LAST SENTENCE BACK TO YOUR TAPESTRY ANALOGY...The gifts that we exchange will be memories of each other's time spent together.

Graduate / sincere coments for Sop ms/phd in computer science [6]

This may be a LONG shot: I am guessing that sop means statement of purpose??
If so, my second guess is that you are asked to write about why you want to get a Phd in computer science at ... wherever. If that is correct, then this is all you answered:

While I continued my studies in school, curiosity to know about computers always remained somewhere in deep recess of my mind. (NEED MORE SPECIFICS.)

You might also want to talk about why you want to pursue academic learning in computers (to teach? do reseach??)

Scholarship / a surfeit of mortgages - BU Scholarship Essay [4]

Interesting essay - the adage "it takes two hands to clap" (better than to tango) comes to mind. I wouldn't go so far as both sides are EQUALLY at fault but that both are at fault.

The comparison is pretty good and helps me understand both sides of the argument. Here a few suggestions on wording etc. Hope this isn't too late and you get the scholarship!!!

And so, since the forms have were already been submitted, the buyer would have no choice but to pay.

The buyers hadvoluntarily requested for the services by their own wills and from their point of view, it is the seller's fault. The buyers would argue that the seller should have been clearer about the price and such . WERE MISLEADING? GAVE INCOMPLETE PRICING INFORMATION??

Or maybe they should have made sure that they would be able to pay the debt on time. NOT CLEAR WHO YOU MEAN BY "THEY" (the industry, the consumer?? different each time?)

It is the fault of the industry for pairing the consumer with a contract that did not match him. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "MATCH"?

Graduate / Admissions essay for masters in chemical engineering [10]

You present yourself well. Your essay flows nicely until the fourth to last section. The sequencing gets confusing here as you were talking about the past and here you introduce your future aspirations. How about starting with your new interests in new technology that in your third year (is it your last or do u have one more?) and why:

Carbon dioxide capture and sequestration was a study project I took up in my third year etc. and end with ...
a graduate degree is essential for me to be an integral part of the effort to provide a greener future to my country.
(instead of:)
In my 3 years of studies I found that Chemical engineering always had so much to offer to my never ending need for something new. Being a dynamic field which touches almost all aspects of modern science it has kept me interested and inspired throughout. More than anything it has instilled in me the knowledge and in the process the belief to make a difference in real world situations. Seeing its vastness, I certainly feel that a graduate degree is essential to focus on my interests.

Speeches / Do men and women have similar goals in life?! Hey guys, help me edit(: [3]

I'm not what this is for but there are some easy edits (and I am not a guy) so - maybe my help is not appropriate to help here. But from my perspective, here are a few suggestions meant to improve your essay:


WHAT IS COURIER??





I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS TIES IN TO THE PROMPT - WAS THIS WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO? JUDGE WOMEN OF THE 21ST CENTURY??


LUBRICATE!!????? WHAT IS THAT?


NO CLUE WHAT THIS IS EITHER...

Undergraduate / "I was born in a business environment" - UC Prompt [4]

The first half of your essay was focused and answered the prompt (if business was your intended major) but after the first sentence of the second paragraph, you went off somewhere else. The prompt you wrote asks you to "Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement"

No mention of the above...

Undergraduate / Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician... [4]

You are not showing but telling with this:
An ideal physician is compassionate and would express selflessness to all of his patients. Although he may be fatigued or concerned with other matters, the wellbeing of his patients should be his primary goal while in the workplace. A physician must also be optimistic, but he must always tell the whole truth regarding any situation. His sole purpose while on the job is to care for and help patient I have been cared for by many doctors and hospital staff members that have some of these ideal qualities. Their benevolence and altruism is the reason that I am alive today.

Try to describe the doctor you had as a newborn, instead of making generalities. Did you have a good pediatrician? (I do and I could describe her for this essay. She's the ideal physician who spends more time listening than talking, who takes time to explain her diagnosis is, who has a great sense of humor.) Try to bring this ideal to life relating to you as a person...

Essays / Argumentative essay about interracial marriage - thesis statements [3]

(No way - This can't be an admission essay!!)
My interpretation of the prompt is this: interracial marriage is as right or wrong as same race marriage. My next question is: What is this thesis for? It clearly does NOT have two debatable answers (i.e. one sensible answer.)

Essays / Shoppers: Division/Classification Essay [3]

What is the subject? Statistics? Marketing? Sociology?
If it is due tomorrow and all you have figured out to talk about 3 classifications, then I suggest you define what kind of shopper you have in mind in your opening paragraph (typical grocery shopper, Sarah Jessica for Manolos? a dude shopping for cars?) If your essay about consumerism, unique selling product features or economics, you will have to define accordingly.

Undergraduate / UC Essay #1: My family and my dreams [5]

Sorry, but not so convincing. I expected you to write about rebelling at this point...
"Every time I abandoned my work, quickly defeated by any challenges or difficulties, my sister would remark haughtily but encouragingly, "You gave up already?" Through every tribulation, my family helped me utilize my latent capabilities and intelligence through self control, drive, and work and taught me how perseverance and diligence can lead to success."

THIS IS MOTHERHOOD. DID YOU REALLY BUY INTO THIS?? IT WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING TO READ WHAT YOU REALLY THOUGHT.

Undergraduate / Psych Major/Volunt Exp/Mothers PhD influence? - UC Transf. Prompt 1 & 2 [5]

Your essays are good! I'm surprised how much you were inspired by your mother. You clearly share her passion. Was there another major influence? Your volunteer work is impressive.

Clarification and wording:


The second essay is OK without mention of 3. Just two little suggestions:
hard time focusing on a single goal. WAS THIS THE DISAPPOINTMENT YOU STATE IN FIRST SENTENCE? IF NOT, BE SPECIFIC HERE.

I witnessed Mr. D's grin that day. HOW ABOUT OTHER DAYS (SO IT CONFIRMS THAT HE WAS INDEED RESPONDING POSITIVELY CONSISTENTLY.

Graduate / LSE application, for Dev Studies, personal statement [13]

What a lot of achievements you have. And passion! Although I only really "heard" your voice in the next to last paragraph (starting with "As an African woman///") You clearly have the key qualification, so it's only a matter of presentation. I got a bit lost in the lead in paragraphs as you have so many accomplishments. Maybe focussing on the most compelling few would help the reader get to know you better?? Also, I got lost in the numbers i.e.

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Hey, just saw this too (buried under the rubble.) I wrote this quickly so hope this is still in time!!:)

The prompt "analogous and antithetical" is basically compare and contrast in fancier terms, no worries here. And I interpret the "ambiguity/uncertainty of characters" to refer to the many roles and contradictions of the characters. I think you have gone in depth to answer both - I really liked your analysis of the final courtroom scene when Shylock receives his sentence. Where you might need to add some weight is for the final prompt:

"Finally, decide on the larger point Shakespeare is making through such a construction"

Your conclusion of Shakespeare not reaching "any conclusions, but would rather the audience members explore their own beliefs" is good - but doesn't answer what you think he hopes to achieve/convey from the structure (construction) of the plot and characters.

Antonio is neither the hero nor the villain, Shylock is detestable and sympathetic at the same time, and the justice system cannot be relied upon to right society's wrongs.

i.e. here you describe the character of the characters. Should you also include an analysis of the construction of the charecter's relations in the plot? I'm just trying to double guess your teacher here. Mine stressed a lot on structure of charecters in Shakespeare's works.

Oh and if you didn't already catch this typo:

Undergraduate / Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician... [4]

You've really improved the essay by recounting vividly the experience you had at 11. It could be much better if you closely relate the verbal portrait with your example (to comply with the prompt.) The ideal you wrote doesn't read convincingly (from the example that is supposed to have "helped you shape this ideal." The two seem to be disassociated.

Undergraduate / my philosophies on "gross national happiness" [4]

What a great prompt - it gives you the opportunity to express your personal philosophy on happiness. You raise many good points. However, I lost my way getting to your personal philosophy - by the end of the essay, I still don't know what it is.

Your first and second sentences don't outline your philosophy:


And what I understand from your last sentence is only that you believe governments are responsible for a country's success (based on the criterion you listed.) It does not answer why you believe your personal philosophy could be used to evaluate a country's success.


Could you post the outline you used for this great essay? It will help to see how you organized it.

Undergraduate / my philosophies on "gross national happiness" [4]

There you go - you've expressed your personal philosophy on how to measure a country's success more precisely, proportioned half/half between the government's macro efforts versus people's happiness as measured from sentiment, mood, feeling of security.


Now you have to address the second "half" of the prompt.
Tell us why you believe it could be used to evaluate a country's success.

Undergraduate / "Being an international student" - RC Prompt [2]

It's a good personal statement, you sound very dedicated and your writing flows easily. English is not really my first language either but here's some little re-sequencing for you to consider:

Undergraduate / Culture Essay - U of M [3]

Very touchy-feely essay (I could smell your Oma's pies and almost taste her marmalade.) You give the reader a nice experience, comparing your German vs. US experiences. The concluding sentences (valuable lesson) read well but weren't backed up by your previous examples (unless the new places you explored the local part, movies, laser-tagging? ) Also, don't forget the second half of the prompt!