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Posts by shadowfax
Joined: Dec 12, 2010
Last Post: Jan 20, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 21  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 26
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shadowfax   
Dec 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music relaxes me" - MIT pleasure essay [5]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

Music is something that always made me feel relaxed no matter how stressed I am. As I watch videos on how play a song on piano, I try my best to keep a photographic memory of the notes being played and then I try to play it on my keyboard. Even though, I am a naive keyboard player and still cannot read sheet music, I enjoy the pleasure that I am playing my favorite song on the keyboard. Therefore, whenever I find free time, I play my keyboard, which gives me the utmost pleasure and satisfaction.

Is it good or bad? Please be candid.
shadowfax   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music relaxes me" - MIT pleasure essay [5]

Emerged in a cavernous depth of emotional sounds, I am moved to. Watching videos on how to play a song on the piano, I keep a photographic memory of the notes being played and then play it on my piano. Even though, I am a dilettante and still cannot read music, I enjoy playing my favorite songs as it gives me the utmost pleasure and satisfaction..

I rewrote this essay and made it kinda short. I don't know what else I can add on here. Please help...
shadowfax   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "my tiny remote controlled car" - MIT - Department Essay [2]

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

Playing with my tiny remote controlled car five years ago, I thought "How exactly does this work?." So, not to my family's surprise, I broke it upon the day I received it and was intrigued to find a complex network of wires and circuits. Electronics never cease to amaze me. My love for electronics made me learn programming, which in turn helped me be one of my school's Robotics team programmer . This obsession with Electronics took me to such an extent that I decided to become an Electrical Engineer. Thus, the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science department appeals the most to me.

Please tell me about it...

Anything to make it better?
shadowfax   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "a black out on the TV" - The most significant challenge you've faced? MIT [NEW]

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

"Break a leg Sai!" said my friend right before the play started, "do the best you can!." I walked into the dark backstage into my tiny crumpled space, where my laptop lay connected to a TV. As I put my headset on and was ready to play the PowerPoint, I was quite amused for my first job as a backstage crew member for my school's Annual Spring Musical. With an immense responsibility in my hands, I started the PowerPoint to signal the start of the show.

With the laughter and excitement in the audience tone, I was quite satisfied that the show was going on pretty well. But to the horror of my director and me, I was dumbfounded when one of the cast members, in a hurry, tripped over the wire and knocked the little machine out of my hands resulting in a black out on the TV.

I stared in awe and disbelief thinking that I ruined the performance by the fatuous mistake. Trying to keep my temper low and the situation under control, I tried my best not to panic. So, to my director's relief, I unplugged the TV and then plugged it back in time for the next slide. Thinking that I was going to get bad remarks, I was quite surprised when my director patted me on the back said "Good Job! You had it under control." Later I came to know that the audience never realized there was a crash backstage.
shadowfax   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Give me a lever big enough and I'll move the world"- Yale Engineering Essay [4]

I loved your essay! It is amazing! Your introduction in particular is really good.

The world has transformed so vastly from the work of scientists and engineers in the last century that an information graduates enter the job market with is already outdated, the progress is terrifying but ever so appealing I see a world in which technological change is the fastest it has ever been

I don't understand what you are trying to say there.
shadowfax   
Jan 9, 2011
Essays / Is attaining light speed possible? [4]

According to the special theory of relativity, to travel at the speed of light an object must have infinite amount of energy. Also, as it reaches the speed of light, its mass also increases. This can be proved by the energy mass equivalence E = mc2. For example, consider the particle accelerators, where particles can reach 99.9% the speed of light. However, they never reach the speed of light. Here, the Kinetic Energy itself is converted to mass as energy can neither be created nor destroyed. So, theoretically we can never reach the speed of light.
shadowfax   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / What group do you belong to? (multiple cultures) -- University of Michigan [6]

A great essay! I really like your metaphor "only saplings in the edge of a huge primeval forest."
But something is wrong with the last sentence. Do you mean by taking "all the science classes" or just by the science classes you are going to be like Hawking? Also did you meant to say excellent instead of excellence? Overall a great essay. Rephrase the last sentence. BTW I am a big science person to! haha
shadowfax   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "To become an accomplished engineer" - personal georgia institute of technology [3]

A well written essay! I am applying to Tech also and I am answering the same question and I am almost done with mine. However I don't really see why you talk about Genetic engineering when the question asks you "given your personal background what would you learn and contribute through becoming a part of this kind of community?" Maybe I am mistaken. But overall it is a great essay! Your introduction especially is attention grabbing.
shadowfax   
Jan 11, 2011
Student Talk / Georgia Tech - wondering about my chances of getting in? [29]

@anaurbek
Hey you do know that Tech will not accept tests taken in January right? I just realized that too!

applyweb.com/apply/gatech/instruct_gatech.html#test

scroll down until you get to the SAT/ACT and click on it and read it.
This is what it says: "January test results may not meet the admission application deadline."
But I am not sure if it is for Reg Adm or Early Adm. You might want to contact them...

@AncheS
You have a really good chance of getting in! I have almost the same scores and same GPA! Good luck with your application! Remember its this Friday!
shadowfax   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "a life changing journey"- Georgia - What will you learn and contribute? [4]

Hello! This is my essay and I am sure there are some grammatical errors. Please judge as harshly as you can and be candid. Also, please tell me if it is attention grabbing and if it answers the prompt. thank you in advance!

I opened my eyes to stare at the infinite darkness of the night sky, but sleep took me over again. Hours later, my peaceful sleep was interrupted with a loud beep followed by an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen please fasten your seat belts." As the stewardess walked through the aisle, I could hear the hydraulic lowering of the landing gear. Anxiously, I looked out the window to see the magnificent downtown Cincinnati. Finally, my dream of being in the land of opportunity came true. Excitement filled my heart and ebullience swept across my mind.

Rewind back two weeks; I was at my childhood home in a city called Hyderabad in the second most populous country, India. As a thirteen-year-old kid, I walked on the unpaved roads, played on the noisy streets and shopped in the crowded markets of my hometown. Playing street cricket and soccer on the weekends, studying, and doing my homework on the weekdays, I was a typical child immersed in studies. However, two weeks before the flight that would lead to my future, my mom said, "Sai, we are moving to the United States."

The statement that my mom said to me four years ago still echoes in my mind, for it was a life changing event for me. Since my mom was offered a job to teach in a rural South Carolina town, my family moved to this beautiful country where there are endless opportunities to explore. As we settled into this provincial town, I was enrolled in a private school by my parents so that I would be "acclimated to the American culture at a fast pace." However, neither my parents nor I foresaw the nightmare that I was going to face in that school.

Not only did I have poor knowledge of the English language and the American slang, I was also not familiar with the American culture. It was easier for me to solve an algebraic problem than to understand what my classmates said. Pronunciation made events more worse. Therefore embarrassment and verbal abuse became a part of my life the first year in the United States. Even though I was among many kids of my age, I was treated as a total misfit. Isolated from kindness and friendliness at school, I was distraught over my decision of coming here. This made me question my belief of why I thought the United States was the land of opportunities.

Apart from the culture-shock that I experienced in the United States, academics was another big surprise for me. Due to my limited knowledge in English, literature and sciences became very hard for me and this led to my ignorance of the subject, which eventually led to my mediocre grades. At this point in my life, I had to recant my earlier belief that life is not always about academics, instead it is about the skill required to excel at academics. This aspiration that was born in my mind led me to seek out the opportunities that were waiting for me in the United States. Therefore, regardless of the humiliation and the invidious giggles, I took part in many activities that helped me improve my language. From working as a programmer for Robotics Team to winning the regional STAR student award and working for my school's drama program, I grabbed every possible opportunity and drastically improved my bad situation.

As these bitterly fun-filled days of the last two years passed, I have finally adapted to the much unique American culture. In addition, I have not only acquainted with the American slang, but also spoke with an articulate American accent. In these two years, I also learned a big lesson about life and also experienced hardships that taught me many new things. But after spending two long years in that small rural town, my family moved to a much bigger city in Southwest Georgia, and it made me countermand my earlier belief that the United States was not the best place for me.

Three years after I first set foot in the United States, three years after I first left my home country and three years after I made a life-changing journey, today I am in a much better place than I had ever dreamed of being. Until today, imagery of my playing cricket, going to the movies, eating "pani-puri" with my friends still flashes in front of my eyes and echoes through my ears. Even though I am not the only person with these types of experiences, the hardships that I've faced and the lessons that I've learned remain unique to me as I was presented with unknown challenges. Nevertheless, I faced these situations with confidence and patience. I would like to share these unique experiences and qualities, along with my experience in drama and robotics, at the diverse Georgia Tech campus. Not only will I find someone who has had similar experiences like me, but also discover someone who had to face a more challenging situation than mine. Along with the spectacular education that I will receive at Georgia Tech, I will also be able to learn about many different cultures that are unique and also explore the still endless opportunities that are awaiting for me. After all, through my experiences, I want to say that life is not always about academics.
shadowfax   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / A person of impact - My conductor [8]

A really great essay I feel.
ltpvan
How about try changing "However, during my childhood and teenage years, I have always hated music" to I always hated music. Maybe? Other than than I think it is a great essay especially the intro its great!

PS. Can you help me with my GA Tech essay?
shadowfax   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / Sisterhood - WHY Wellesley [6]

It is a very nice essay. I really like your reference to Hogwarts! haha
I couldn't stop reading it. A well written essay.

However this line: "From the Hogwarts like buildings to the liberal arts curriculum, I knew I wanted to attend Wellesley College" kinda sounds awkward and incomplete. Maybe something like "From the Hogwarts like buildings to the liberal arts curriculum, everything convinced me that Wellesley College is the right college for me." Maybe? I don't know it's up to you. But it is a very good essay though...

Please help me with my GA Tech essay (the revised one). thanks!
shadowfax   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / Stony Brook Essay- "Human compassion is a healing salve." [2]

First of all what is the prompt?

His interest in me should be more than just a patient, remembering me as an individual.

You really messed up the parallelism here. Make that his/her rather than just His.

I don't really understand the connection between your first paragraph and the second one.

We would be reintroduced to our small rural village and simultaneously to Afghan culture.

make it "to the Afghan culture"

I would sit in his office as he meet with patient after patient.

It is "as he met with patient after patient"

I would sit in his office as he meet with patient after patient. He would listen to their problems, a soothing smile on his face. A calm word here and an empathetic touch there would alleviate their worries.

You just changed from singular to plural there. "patient after patient" and then you just referred to them as "their." so just change "patient after patient" to patients. It will sound much better and also will be in accordance with the tense (their).

While forthright in his manner, telling the patients what they needed to know in plain language, his compassion would shine through in his tone of voice.

Did you mean to say "While forthright in this manner"? or "his"? because if it is his then it doesn't make any sense.

Father of Modern Medicine", "that of a gentleman, and, as such, honorable and kindly towards all."

Comma goes inside the quotes.

There with my uncle when it happened, I watched as streams of victims were brought in to be treated

This is kinda awkward try rephrasing it completely.

Overall it is a fairly good essay. I think you should add more to the conclusion as well as the introduction as I cannot see any connection. I am just being candid. I am not a professional but just offered some help.

Good Luck! :)
shadowfax   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / Sisterhood - WHY Wellesley [6]

From the Hogwarts like buildings to the liberal arts curriculum, Wellesley College immediately convinced me that Wellesley was the right college for me.

Much better than the original one. Here eliminate the second Wellesley and substitute an "it" for that and it will sound great! So it should be "From the Hogwarts like buildings to the liberal arts curriculum, everything at Wellesley College immediately convinced me that it was the right college for me." Here you might think that "it" might make the reader skeptical about what you are referring to. But it is obvious that "it" refers to the college as you say that "it is the right college for me," referring to Wellesley. Hope I helped!

Good Luck! :)
shadowfax   
Jan 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / Center Stage; The music has begun [6]

Rajiv, you are a truly amazing writer man. I really loved the imagery. Even though, the use of second person narrative sounds good in the essay, I don't understand who you're talking to. Are you trying to say that I (me, the reader) or is it that you are imagining yourself to be a different person and do it? I don't know. But overall this is a spectacular essay! :)
shadowfax   
Jan 16, 2011
Scholarship / "both my parents had diabetes + Palestine homeland" International Affairs Scholarship [2]

This hard work allowed me the chance for a good education, something my parents could not dream of in the homeland of Palestine.

"a good education - something my parents could not even dream of in my homeland, Palestine."

For the first time in his adult life he did not work long days and I had a father around.

This is super awkward. Rephrase it completely...

I always imagined the day when I would graduate and get to thank him for being the strength I needed.

Change it to "I always imagined about the day when I would graduate and thank him for being my strength" or "thank him for giving me the strength that I needed."

It took the horrific event of 9/11 and the subsequent heroic acts of Americans for me to break out of my pain.

I really don't understand this and the connection to this and the earlier said things...

I could either wilt away from my pain or make my father proud. I chose to make him proud.

Proud of what?! So add something before this that can lead to you making him proud...

Similar to my hero Martin Luther King Jr., I too have a dream.

Like my hero Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream also: A dream to see a world at peace and its peoples living in harmony; a dream to see Jewish and Arab children playing side-by-side without the fear of explosives and a constant threat of death; a dream to see a tolerant and charitable world that welcomes all nationalities to prosper together on its land.

The summer I visited Palestine, the homeland of my parents, is where (delete that)
I learned that hate is not something men are born with but instead a bad habit taught as children.

. When I was eight, I remember waking up in the middle of the night just to see my parents huddled up close to each other crying as they watched the news on CNN.

I did not immediately comprehend the situation and assumed they were watching some sad movie. Instead, I saw children as young as six or seven throwing stones at massive tanks while Israeli soldiers were shooting at them in the middle of the street they once played in and now died.

"and assumed they were watching an emotional movie. However, I saw children as young as six throwing stones at massive while the Israeli soldiers were shooting at them."

After 9/11, I aspired to one day become a United States diplomat.

After 9/11, I aspired to become a United States diplomat.

For those people, including my parents, my best and only argument has to be dedicating a lifetime to at least trying to bring this "hopeless" notion of peace to the Middle East.

my best and only argument will be to dedicate a lifetime to bring this hopeless notion of peace to the middle east."

I liked the ideas but I think they are very poorly organized. So try organizing your essay and try to connect one paragraph with the other. The transition that you make in between paragraphs is very abrupt. Therefore make sure that the ideas in one paragraph will lead to the ideas in the next one. I think the pathos in this essay is pretty and also remember too much pathos is bad. So the ideas and the pathos are pretty good. Just organize your essay and make it sound good! I am not a professional but just handed some help!

Good Luck!
shadowfax   
Jan 16, 2011
Student Talk / Georgia Tech - wondering about my chances of getting in? [29]

I think you have a super great chance of getting in man! A very strong application! I am applying there too and I really want to get in!

Here you go the admissions statistics for last year...

admission.gatech.edu/freshman/

Good Luck!
shadowfax   
Jan 17, 2011
Undergraduate / "thankful for a fruitful education and opportunities" - bump in the road [3]

. I refused to make my personal life affect my academic achievement because with time I believed that it would get better.

If I could count the number of road blocks I have confronted in my life, it wouldn't surpass the amount of fingers I have.

That sounds too cliche and awkward. Try contrasting it with some other thing...

But then again , life is not about how many challenges a person has faced, but the effort made to overcome them.

Why use "again." you never said anything before... so just say "but then"

One of the crucial experiences that made an impact on my personal wellbeing and academic standing was when I was living in the lines of poverty.

change it to "academic standing occurred when I was living in the lines of poverty."
For about two year about two years

The stove was full of rust and strains lodged with a fridge pushed against the wall and the bathroom was to be share with other residents.

the bathroom was to be shared with other residents.

There was always some substantial food in the fridge to content our stomachs.

However, academic challenges soon a raised when I was placed in accelerated classes, where I can fulfill my full potential.

it is just "soon raised" not "soon a raised"

I recall a motto by Napoleon Hill "whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve".

change it to:
I recall a motto by Napolean: "whatever the mind..." or "I recall a motto by Napolean Hill who said "whatever..."

I refused to make my personal life affect my academic achievement because with time I believed that it would get better.

What got better?! your personal life or academic achievement? So in order to eliminate this confusion state what "got better" rather than addressing it as "it."

I saw my failure written in red ink, but though it all realize my achievements were inerasable through hard work and endurance.

I don't understand this at all...

I found satisfaction in challenging my mental capacity. It instilled in me self- confidence, ambition and tolerance.

Change it to: "I found satisfaction in challenging my mental capacity and it instilled self-confidence, ambition and tolerance in me."

My bump in the road made me thankful for a fruitful education and opportunities to better myself. With this foundation, I believe I am mentally and educationally prepared to stir my course of my future toward the University of Central Florida University. I know this university will provide me with the skills I need to be succeeding in its Nursing program and curriculum.

Completely rephrase this whole thing... It is very ineffective...

Overall I think this is a pretty good essay. I like the concepts. Just organize them well and write an effective conclusion.

Hope this helped.

Good Luck!

Please help me with my GA Tech essay too...
shadowfax   
Jan 17, 2011
Undergraduate / What group do you belong to? (multiple cultures) -- University of Michigan [6]

It encompasses multiple cultures and millions of people across the world, and it is in this community that Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, and Albert Einstein once roamed

trying substituting the word "lived in" rather than "roamed in."

We are united in this community not by the pursuit of monetary gains but by a common desire to dedicate ourselves to the truth.

When you mean "we" who exactly are you referring to? Never use second person. Try saying "This community is united not by pursuit...to the truth."

My position right now also entails choosing the most important determining factor of my future, college.

My position right now also entails choosing the most important determining factor of my future: college. even though a comma works, I think a colon would look good there...

With the aid of an excellence college education, I will constantly excel towards my goals and hope to become a towering oak .

and hopefully become a towering oak...

Good Luck man!

Please help me with my GA Tech essay.
shadowfax   
Jan 17, 2011
Undergraduate / "a life changing journey"- Georgia - What will you learn and contribute? [4]

I added this paragraph right after the third paragraph. Please tell me if it works and if it is good.
BTW, thank you so much "Some one"

Apart from the culture-shock that I experienced in the United States, academics was another hysteria for me. Due to my limited knowledge in English, Literature and Sciences became very hard for me. My ignorance of the status quo in my classes lead to my mediocre grades. At this point in my life, I had to recant my earlier belief that life is not always about academics, instead it is about the skill required to excel at academics. This aspiration that was born in my mind led me to seek out the opportunities that were waiting for me in the United States. Therefore, regardless of the humiliation and the invidious giggles, I took part in many activities that in turn helped me improve my language and also earned me a good reputation in my school. From working as a programmer for Robotics team to winning the regional STAR student award, I grabbed every possible opportunity that I could and this drastically improving my situation.

thank you!
shadowfax   
Jan 19, 2011
Undergraduate / "physics class" - Penn Supplement- Bioengineering and Band [4]

Kevin, can you please help me with my GA Tech essay?

@smarty350
Your essay is incredible! even though I don't what the prompt is, I am pretty sure that your effectively answered it. You clearly state what you did and are going to do. I love your middle paragraph a lot!

Can you please help me with my GA Tech essay?

thank you!
shadowfax   
Jan 20, 2011
Grammar, Usage / Did I put the comma's in the right place in this sentence?! [6]

Ok so this is my concluding line for my GA Tech essay

"After all, a rich life, in addition to academics, also includes friendships and connections to one's community and I believe that kind of life can begin at Georgia Tech."

I was just wondering if I put the comma's in the right place or not. Like, do I need a comma after "After all?"

Thank You in advance!!!
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