Scholarship / struggles of having low-income family and fear of leaving home- [6]

Hi Amber,

You have a good start, but remember that it is specifics that will make your essay memorable. You are not very specific when you say that "Certain financial obstacles would be with my parents' income because it restricts a lot of things for me."

You might try writing something like this:

"My mother works as a teacher's assistant and my father is a factory worker. Although they provided me and my brothers and sisters a good home, we had very little extra money. As a result, I had to choose between going to homecoming and saving for college. I chose saving because college will do more for me in the long run. Getting this scholarship will make attending (whatever school ) a lot less of a hardship."

The details about where you lived and the health care are not really part of the personal or financial obstacles that you have faced. Getting low cost health care is not an obstacle, it's a benefit. Moving from an apartment to a house is a benefit. Maybe leaving your friends behind and having to make all new ones is an obstacle?

Here are some other possible personal obstacles -- taking a difficult course, overcoming a fear of giving in class presentations, having to work after school and still keep your grades up, being responsible for watching a younger brother while your parents worked, coping with the death of a relative, etc.

You're on the right track with the stuff about not taking the bare minimum classes. What specific classes did you take? What was hard about them? How did you overcome the difficulty? Did you get tutoring, join a study group, etc.?

Saying that you want to move away but feel obligated to your parents isn't an obstacle. That's a situation that you have mixed feelings about.

Think about obstacles that you have overcome and the way that you did it and make that the focus of your essay. Help them get to know you and see you as a persistent and talented person.

Essays / Help writing personal bias paper on Juvenile gang [5]

Hi Erica,

Can you explain the assignment a little better? What is the instructor asking you to do? What kind of bias are you looking for?

Eric

Undergraduate / "Sensei about life: it's about doing it or not doing it" - CommonApp essay [5]

The sentence that includes brainwashing into believing could be improved by replacing it with This is what Sensei told me when I tried to convince him that I was not ready for the upcoming tournament. You are telling the story in the past tense, so am not ready can't come after tried.

You write well. However, you are getting in your own way. I've helped many students write common app essays, and simpler is almost always better.

Whatever school you are applying to, the admissions committee probably has a few thousand essays to review. Don't write one that requires them to break out a dictionary to look up execrate.

The admissions committee is not assessing your vocabulary. They are looking to see whether you can write and think clearly. Use the words that you are comfortable with.

Be who you are. Your story is a good one. Using simpler language will let the admissions folks focus on getting to know you and your story.

I backed away from any task that would exhibit me to multitudinous eyes.
How about: I was afraid to do anything that would put me in front of my classmates.

Whenever I had to stand and read things out to my class, my hands would shudder with such great amplitude, even people sitting three seats behind me would notice. Howzabout: Whenever I had to stand up and read in class, my hands shook so much that students in the back could see how scared I was.

Shudder is not used in the way that you did in the original. People's hands don't shudder. They shake. And no one shudders with amplitude.

Good luck, Daniel-san.

The Tampa English Tutor

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

Hi Mohammad Asfar,

You write well. There are a few errors in English that you should correct before you submit your statement of purpose.

Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings and I out of the airport
Corrected: Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings and me out of the airport.
Reason: I functions as the object of the verb ushered and should be in the objective case, me.

To see that this is correct, try saying the sentence as two parts:

Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings out of the airport.
Two of my uncles had ushered me out of the airport.

I would not fit the second sentence.

Growing up I knew I was Iranian, my dad was born in Iran and my mom is half American and half Iranian, but my heritage was an abstract notion that never factored into my identity as a child.

The first part of this (Growing up I knew I was Iranian) is a complete sentence and should be followed by a period. Growing up, I knew that I was Iranian. My father...

After my first trip in 1991 I became aware of what it was to be Iranian and became proud of my cultural history.

You need to insert a comma between 1991 and I. After my first trip in 1991, I became aware of what it was to be Iranian and became proud of my cultural history.

Whenever a sentence has a long introductory element before it reaches the subject, the introductory element should be followed by a comma.

I had never stepped foot in so ancient a land nor had I experienced history in such a concrete and tangible way. The English expression is I had never set foot.

Before beginning college in 2000 I had only traveled to Iran twice and being Iranian had only interested me as it related to my identity as a person. Put a comma between 2000 and I.

While I had originally planned on pursuing an MFA, my attention had shifted from art to Iran and the Middle East as whole.

Change the second had to has to show the proper relationship between the tenses in the parts of the sentence. The last part of the sentence should read and the Middle East as a whole.

During the last five years I have spent a lot of my spare time reading books on Middle Eastern history and it's complicated relations with the world. Add a comma between years and I. Change it's to its.

As an avid photographer I appreciate the capacity that new media has to distribute images and ideas to encourage greater communication between peoples. Add a comma between photographer and I.

By following through with a more formal education on the Middle East I hope to gain a better understanding of how I can use my photography to bridge the gaps that divide our people. Add a comma between East and I. Consider changing people to peoples so that it echoes the sentence that precedes it.

This more formal knowledge will enable me to better navigate through the region and ensure that the messages I hope to exchange are accurate and positive. Remove the word through. Navigate the region already includes the meaning of through.

Good luck,

Tampa English Tutor

Writing Feedback / "if i hadn't gone in the basement" - the time i made a costly mistake [2]

Your essay was chosen for a rewrite by the writers from college admission essay help.

Below is the rewrite:

Describe a time when you made a costly mistake.

I was 9 and my brother was 11. We were coming home from school and talking about the events of the day when my brother suggested that we play sword and princess. I was excited because we hadn't played that game for a few weeks.

When we got home, I looked for my mom but couldn't find her. My brother found a note: "I've gone to go pick your sister and pick up some groceries." My brother and I were so happy that our mother trusted us to be alone that we started running around the house and jumping on the couch.

I remembered my brother's promise to play sword and princess and asked him to start the game. He said that we should play upstairs, but I wanted to play the game in the basement. Normally, we were not allowed to play in the basement, but I thought it might make the game more fun.

We went to the basement and started to play forgetting about all the trouble we could get in for being down there. After we played for a half an hour, I asked my brother to get a stuffed bear that was on a hook. He stood on the chair and got it for me, but before he could give it to me he slipped and poked himself in the eye on a sharp piece of hanger.

The next thing I remember was sitting on the floor with blood everywhere on my clothes and my brother holding a paper towel soaked with blood on his face.

My brother lost his sight in his left eye. I think about his accident because I convinced him to play in the basement and I asked him to get me the bear. If we had only stayed upstairs, my brother would still be able to see out of his eye. I learned that some rules are there for our own good.

Undergraduate / "an excellent candidate for the Radio & Television program" - Ryerson Personal essay [4]

Your essay has a few problems. You have a good idea for an intro, but never return to it to close the essay. You really don't connect the courses to your objectives and you don't do a good job of selling yourself. There are errors in the writing that detract from your presentation.

The writers at College Application Essay Help have chosen your essay for a complete rewrite.

Letters / Cover letter for PhD in cancer. Confused if it looks like SOP? [4]

The salutation should be followed by a colon in a business letter.

I would delete the sentence: This is when I came across these studentships in cancer research and replace it with something like: Having reviewed the studentship program, I believe I am a qualified candidate and would like to apply.

I would also probably cut this paragraph: Cancer results from defects in fundamental cell regulatory mechanisms; it is a disease that ultimately has to be understood at the molecular and cellular levels. Indeed, understanding cancer has been an objective for molecular and cellular biologists for many years. However, the studies of cancer cells have also illuminated the mechanisms that regulate normal cell behavior. In fact, many of the proteins that play key roles in cell signaling were identified because their abnormalities led to the uncontrolled proliferation of cancer cells. Studying the subject molecular and cellular pharmacology in depth during the first year of my post-graduation aroused my interest in understanding the cellular and molecular basis of a disease and its treatment.

The first part of it is self-evident. The last part about you might be worthy of mention in the interview, but probably not in the cover letter.

No comma in this sentence: Pursuing a PhD in such an interdisciplinary setting, will be the most logical extension of my academic pursuits.

I wish you good luck.

Undergraduate / "I worked at an athletic camp" - Is This an Example of Leadership? [4]

Yes, I think it is. You observed a problem, created a solution, sold it to management, and successfully implemented it. Had you not been there, it would not have happened.

Letters / Memo to the plant employees about the company's Christmas party, Memo writing [4]

It really depends on how much of a stickler your teacher is. Annual Lear Christmas Party should probably be capitalized because it's a specific party. You should probably insert a space between the time and pm. You should provide an address for the hall if one is given in the instructions.

Consider revising this sentence: The dinner will be prepared by Judy's Catering and served at 6:30pm, followed by a dance at 8:00pm.

It might be better as The dinner will be prepared by Judy's Catering and served at 6:30 pm. The dance will start at 8:00 pm. There really is not any need for followed by since 8:00 is after 630.

Tickets for employees and their spouses are $10 each and can be purchased from members of the social committee. If you are bringing guests, purchase guest tickets early because there are only a few available. Guests tickets are $30 each and also available from social committee members.

Any questions about the event should be directed to (contact person) at (phone number) or email address

One of the crucial things about this kind of memo is to give people a contact for additional questions. I would also bold the part about limited guest tickets because you want to draw attention to it.

Undergraduate / "Economics and Mathematics as a single major" - Columbia short essay [3]

Those crazy kids at college-admission-essay-help.com chose your short essay for a complete rewrite.

Here is the revised short answer:

Columbia is one of the few American schools to offer a single major in mathematics and economics, include business studies in liberal arts, and give students interested in finance and accounting chances to explore them fully. The courses that are part of this major will allow me to explore my interest in leadership, organizational behavior, and accounting. Columbia's liberal arts classes will give me the broad background to apply learning from other disciplines to business problems. Besides these reasons, I want to help expand Columbia's Cricket Club. I played varsity cricket in high school and would very much like to play in college.

In the editor's view, the stuff about about Adam Smith, Maslow, and philosophy did not add anything to your essay.

Undergraduate / "a follower and listener" - Personal Statement-Purdue -Qualities of a good leader [3]

Hi Moe:

The writers at college-admission-essay-help selected your short answer for a full rewrite.

Below is your rewrite with our editor's comments.

As a Christian Arabic person, I value a leader who encourages empowerment and respects the opinions of others. Truly great leaders learn from their peers and listen to new ideas. They are flexible and fair, and they value the unique characteristics and opinions of others.

As the captain of my school basketball team, I was voted the most valuable player for more than a year. While I excel in sports and helped my team to win an important tournament, I feel I earned this honor for more than my skills on the court. I have never had the attitude that I was "number one" or that I was someone who decided for everyone. Instead, I worked hard to support my teammates and enhance sportsmanship and camaraderie within the team, regardless of the players' faiths and cultures. In fact, my international upbringing has shown me that different skin colors and social norms can offer great opportunities for learning and growing as a team. I pride myself on uniting the members of my team in pursuit of a common goal.

Great leaders are never fully-formed. They continue to learn from others, to grow as individuals, and to strive for improvement. I'm proud of my existing leadership qualities, and I'm certain that I have the capacity to continue to improve my skills. Someday, I hope to be a great leader in our modern world.

The essay editor's comments:

The introduction to the original Purdue application essay defined what a leader is not, but it did not provide a clear idea of what a leader really is. The writer used many great vocabulary words but didn't get his or her point across. Feel free to show off your vocabulary in an admissions essay, but always make sure you keep clear communication as your top goal.

While the information about this writer's family that was included in the original is both interesting and inspiring, it is not on topic. When writing a college admissions essay, it's essential that you offer information that is relevant to the question.

Be careful to avoid sounding boastful. This writer claimed the basketball victory for himself, rather than for his entire team.

This essay could benefit from another specific example. The writer could offer evidence of his or her leadership skills in an academic setting as well.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / "managed my mother's business for several years" - Law school- Personal Statement [3]

Nice into.

Here's my take:

When I was nine, I remember feeling my heart race as the crowds pressed against my mother and me in the Tehran airport. I felt sick. I saw the worry on my mother's face, but I didn't realize that I was leaving my homeland for the last time.

If you keep what you have, mother's is possessive in mother's face. My feeling is that less is more as far as expressing your feelings as a nine year old.

Good luck with it.

Eric

Letters / "I work in the robot age" - About page of personal blog [4]

It makes sense.

Small stuff:

With different lifeforms come different levels of intelligence.

I hope to share my latest "cool" findings in a way that makes you as excited about them as I am.

I think the use of contagious does not fit the mood that you are looking for.

Eric

Undergraduate / "it's only a matter of will to overcome our obstacles" - admissions, college apps [12]

The first paragraph adds nothing to the essay. Cut it.

Cut the first sentence of the second paragraph and start with a sentence that takes a clear position on the question: I believe that obstacles can be overcome by anyone with sufficient will to do so.

It wasn't easy at the beginning. Other students laughed at me when the teacher asked me to read a text or explain a concept.

At the beginning of this school year, I was invited to join Cadre, a program for the leaders of the Corps of Cadets. To test our problem-solving abilities, the commander split us into teams and made the teams compete for the best time on an obstacle course. Although I completed the course quickly, one of the members of my team did not. He could not get over the 14-foot wall. He was filled with fear and doubt. I knew that he could do it, and I and my other team mates shouted encouragement to him. He found the will to climb and conquered the wall.

There is always a way around, over, or under life's obstacles if we have the will to find it.

Good luck.

Scholarship / Migration to the US from India; English and Math [11]

It's an interesting story. It would help greatly to know the question that you are answering.

I'm not sure I would cast the family that you lived with in such a negative light. Nor does it help to report on the Subway manager who took advantage of your mother.

I am not sure if you will understand this, but your uncle sheltered you for months and it is ungrateful to his family to write disparagingly about them. Even if it is true, it does not cast you in a good light. Nor does complaining about the Subway manager. Again, even if true, it makes you seem smaller than you are.

No one has an easy time of coming thousands of miles to a new country with no money and no proficiency in the language.

I would cut almost of the details in the early part of the essay. Pick up the story when you are living in a temple and your father learns to drive a car and gets work as a security guard. Don't call him too proud to live in a temple. It's negative. Instead, praise him for taking a step to provide for your family. Don't mention his alcoholism. He was bold enough to come halfway around the world so you could have a better life . Give the man some love.

The end of the essay is wonderful. Starting with "My first day of school was indecipherable..." It's positive. It makes me feel good about you and about America. It makes me want to help you succeed and it makes me see you as capable, not a complainer. Focus on that part. It's good stuff for a scholarship committee to hear.

You really write beautifully, even though your English is obviously not that of a native. I don't know you or your family, but that's my gut reaction to the essay.

Scholarship / Migration to the US from India; English and Math [11]

Thanks. Good luck with it. I still think you are better off to emphasize the material at the close of the current essay and not some of the earlier negative experiences. Just my two cents. I hope you get the scholarship.

Scholarship / Migration to the US from India; English and Math [11]

Hi Kumar,

Agreed. I'm sure that's not the way that you wanted to appear. Maybe other people will read it differently, but that's how it came off to me. Maybe you can clean up the phrasing or omit the part where you are critical of your uncle's wife. If it's already turned in, no worries.

Anyway, good luck.

Eric

Undergraduate / "it's only a matter of will to overcome our obstacles" - admissions, college apps [12]

I would like to attend the summer program because I am interested in a career as an architect. Don't say that you have little experience in the area. It's truthful, but does not help your case.

My parents are both artists, so I have always been interested in art and design. My interest in architecture was sparked by a video that one of my teachers showed. The video showed designers creating buildings that looked good and blended with the environment. I would like to design buildings that accomplish the purpose they were built for but also blend with the environment.

The summer program will give me a chance to use my creativity and demonstrate what I can do. Please admit me to the program. It does not hurt to ask for what you want.

This sentence makes no sense to me: The key for an endurable life is to live with the nature, not apart of it.

Maybe: The key to a sustainable future is for people to live in harmony with nature, not apart from it.

I don't think you should go down the path of saying what sets you apart form the other applicants is that you actually have the discipline to do each step and finish projects. You won't get far running down the other people applying. Stay positive. Do you think that none of them ever finish anything?

If you keep that sentence it should not read taking in count . It should be taking account

Good luck, Lorenzo.

Eric

Undergraduate / "The smell of chocolate" Application to The Art Institute of California - Sacramento [4]

The writers at college-essay-admission help.com choose your essay for a complete rewrite. Here are the writers revisions and suggestions.

The smell of chocolate melting over a pot of water, the sound of my ceramic knife hitting the cutting board, and the joy I feel when I cook are a few of the reasons why I chose to apply to the Culinary Arts program at The Art Institute of California - Sacramento. For as long as I can remember, my mom and dad have had me cooking beside them. However, it was not until recently that I discovered that cooking is my true passion.

I love learning about different, challenging foods. I've found that I really like to work with new ingredients and prepare new dishes. Like many other culinary arts students, I have a natural talent in the kitchen, but I also have persistence. I work hard and I juggle many responsibilities. I know these characteristics serve me well in the kitchen, and I think they will also help me excel at The Art Institute.

When it comes to achieving my culinary goals, The Art Institute is the best school to attend. I love the idea of learning new skills through hands-on experience, and I'm excited by the fast pace of the courses. Additionally, the Associates Degree in Culinary Arts will help me take a step closer to achieving my dream of owning a high-end restaurant.

The following changes helped to improve this college application essay:

- The essay prompt specifies no fewer than 150 words, and this essay barely makes it. Since 150 words is the bottom end of the acceptable range, you can take your time and really make your words count.

- Originally, this essay consisted of a single long paragraph. It's easier to read several shorter paragraphs. A series of shorter paragraphs gives the natural divisions to handle each of the aspects of the prompt.

- The original introduction to this essay is good because it appeals to the reader's senses.
- Proofread your essay before submitting it. Punctuation and usage errors hurt the impression that you're working to create. Have another person review your essay before you submit.

Undergraduate / Application Essay about how i messed up in high school (my record) [12]

The writers at college-application-essay-help.com chose your short answer for a rewrite. Here are the editor's comments and his version of your short answer:

Egregious is not really a good word to describe your family problems. Conduct is egregious. Mistakes are egregious. Egregious is used to describe problems, but it just doesn't strike me as a good choice to describe your family problems.

The essay is too long and too negative and casts you in a bad light. You're still trying to pass the buck to your mom for your not doing well. That makes me a lot less likely to want to admit you to MSU if I were making the decision.

Keep it simple and focus on how your experience at the school that you are applying to will be different:

My home life was less than ideal during high school because one of my parents abused alcohol and suffered from depression. I didn't do well in school because I was angry and depressed for much of high school and missed a lot of school. Since that time, I have undergone treatment and gotten my depression under control. Without depression, I am a far different and a far more optimistic and goal-oriented person. I'm ultimately responsible for my poor performance in high school, but I feel you should understand the circumstances so that you can understand why I did not do nearly as well academically in high school as I will at MSU.

Undergraduate / Application Essay about how i messed up in high school (my record) [12]

Only include specifics that prove the point. Don't elaborate too much on the problems. Spend most of the time telling what you have done about it. For example, if your grades suddenly got better in your last year of high school or in some work you did at another college, I would write one or two specific sentences about it.

Undergraduate / "Why I feel ready to return"- A college readmission essay [11]

Small stuff. It's a business letter so the salutation needs to be followed by a colon. If you are sleeping with the admissions officer, a comma is okay.

I would say that you stretched yourself rather thin, not thinly.

I have always been fascinated by American History, as I child my grandparents regaled me with stories of life during the Great Depression.

This sentence should be recast as I have always been fascinated by American History. When I was a child, my grandparents regaled me with stories of life during the Great Depression. As you have it, it is a comma slice. Unless the admissions person has an English degree, it probably won't hurt you. But I would still fix it.

My greatest challenge will be re-acclimating to school after a two year break, if re-admitted I plan to meet that challenge and make my next tenure at SMU successful by living on campus, getting involved in student organizations, not working any off-campus jobs, and taking advantage of any academic help available.

This should be two sentences. Put a period after two-year break. It's another comma splice.

Honor the privilege is a little much for me. How about I will do everything in my power to be a better student?

Glad you have gotten your life together. Good luck at SMU.

Undergraduate / Application Essay about how i messed up in high school (my record) [12]

I would not take the approach of saying that you do not want to change anything. Everyone has something that he or she could have done better. The high school essay isn't bad. I would revise it once or twice and send it in. You indicate that studying was not a priority for you in high school. What were your priorities? Why? How have you matured? Why are your priorities different now? The answers to these questions might help you compose a better answer to the one that MSU is asking.

Undergraduate / Application Essay about how i messed up in high school (my record) [12]

I don't think the word that you want is insufferable. You did manage to survive it, so it's not a good word choice. A dilemma means a choice between two equally unpleasant alternatives, so I really don't get how your situation with your mother was a dilemma. The burden of her problems carried over into my life a took a dominant position. This is written in the passive voice and makes you seem like you are not taking responsibility for your own poor performance. It does not cast you in a good light. The next sentence (The result was a bad high school record) is passive and again you are blaming your mother's problems for your record. The burden of her problems made you get bad grades? Then you write two sentences that indicate you are stepping up and taking responsibility, but the previous two sentences leave me with serious doubts because they are passive and indicate that the fault is your mom's.

Look up onus and see if you still like the formulation overcoming the onus.

You are far better off to express you ideas with familiar words.

If the point of the essay is to convince Purdue that you are a different person, why not write an essay that has evidence of that fact? Focus on the positive things you have done. Don't mention your mother or any of the problems you had, except to say something like "My home life was not ideal. At the time I suffered from depression and missed a lot of school." That will prevent you from getting into the blame game.

Since I started at (school you are at now), I have been a different person and have devoted myself to academics. My grades went from a X GPA to a Y GPA and I found that I enjoyed (activity that you did at the college you are transferring out of).

What I have experienced at (college you are leaving) made me realize how much I missed by not devoting myself to studying and clubs at (name of high school).

If you admit me at Purdue, I will be the student I was at (previous school) and not the student I was in high school.

I know that going back is impossible, but if I could, I would get a lot more out of high school because I would put a lot more into it.

You see how this formulation does not blame anyone else, and how it leaves the reader with a positive impression of you? That's what you want to achieve.

Undergraduate / "Why I feel ready to return"- A college readmission essay [11]

You've got a semicolon after the salutation. I think that means you might be willing to sleep with the admissions officer. Seriously, Alexander, make it a colon. :::: That's your best shot of getting back in.

As a child, my grandparents regaled me...

The phrase as a child attaches itself to the nearest noun. In this case, my grandparents. Because that isn't what you mean, you should be recast the sentence: "As I child, I was regaled with tales of life in the Great Depression by my grandparents. You are the one who was a child.

Good luck. Hope they let you back in. You seem like a decent fellow.

Essays / How to start this essay about "My Mom - The Most Important Person in My Life" [8]

I love my mother like a fat kid loves cupcakes. Start with a simile and extend it. You have a vivid image. You also have symbolism because the cupcake is a symbol for your mother.

Then you can just extend the comparison.

My mother is like a cupcake because she is sweet. Once when I didn't have a raincoat, she gave me hers. That's just the kind of mom she is.

My mother is like a cupcake because she's neat. Try eating cake without making a mess. Eating a cupcake is never messy. My mother is a fanatic for keeping a neat house. She has helped teach me that everything has a place and that I need to keep my room very clean.

You can build each paragraph around a different facet of the comparison and illustrate each one with an example.

Do that and you will have a delicious essay.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay to Wentworth Institute of Technology [3]

What is the essay question?

Undergraduate / Nursing: Admissions essay for prompt: why did you choose healthcare? [8]

I don't think you have told the story forcefully enough. Kevin's advice about being specific is a good start.

He is right to ask you to rethink this sentence: Finally, nursing will allow me to utilize my diverse skills and experiences while satisfying my individual ambitions.

What do you visualize when you read that? It's not specific enough to create a picture of anything for me.

Utilize is a word that should be consigned to the darkest corner of nursing school application hell.

There is a good English word that means the same thing: use.

Which skills and ambitions?

What kind of nurse do you see yourself becoming? Why?

I disagree about using Watson's theory of care or any other academic language to explain why you want to be a nurse.

If you asked me how much I like Soft Serve ice cream, I wouldn't write something like "The taste sensation that it creates on my tongue stimulates pleasure centers deep in my refractory nodes." I'd tell you that I have the places that serve the best Soft Serve within a 20-mile radius programmed into my GPS, so I can get there in the event of a Soft Serve emergency.

If you feel passionately about something, you had better have words that are immediate, specific, and human to describe it.

Utilize will never be such a word.

The central point of your story is very good. You were scared, you matured, and you decided to be bold. Tell it as simply as you can.

Undergraduate / "My major is to Teach Chinese as a Foreign Language" - Personal Statement [3]

Editor comment:

The story about movies in Hong Kong is interesting but does not really move the essay toward your goal of getting in. The wandering in the street listening to dialects may be a hobby of yours, but we hope that is really isn't the most fascinating thing you do.

If it is, you need to make some more friends and get out a little more. ;-)

The part about academic interests should tell what you intend to study, which you do at the end, but not too specifically. I am not sure of the conventions of applying for school in Hong Kong, so I may be wrong, but I would advise a simple and direct approach.

Also, I'm not sure I would tell them that their program is a stepping stone to another one that you are applying for. It might be better to talk about the good things that you want to get from being in their program. Telling them that they are just a path to somewhere else is like telling a girl that you are dating her so that you can be close to her sister. It does not win you any points.

Graduate / Kelly Direct MBA program: Personal Statement for MBA Application [7]

Stephen,

There is not much of you in the essay. As a result, it's dull. That may be a little harsh, but it's true.

You've been blessed with interesting experiences and opportunities. What student hasn't had a few? Tell me the specifics of one, and you might have something worthy of an introduction. You've done some remarkable things. Share one.

The Adams quote doesn't do much for me. Education doesn't happen by chance; you have to work at it. Who disagrees with that? Unless you can relate it directly to something specific that shows extraordinary effort on your part, the intro isn't connected to anything and therefore sucks.

Throughout your journey your goals and the means of achieving them have changed many times. How many other applicants do you think that is true of? If the answer is all (and I think it is) then the sentence conveys that you are just like every other applicant. Not a winning strategy, my brother.

With each turn of the page into a new chapter of life comes a new challenge, a new opportunity, a new aspiration. Is that true of every other applicant? Yep. Does it tell me anything that I did not know about you before I read it? Nope.

For some time, I've desired to become an effective, dynamic leader within my organization. Few prospective MBAs are striving to be undynamic followers. What part of your organization do you want to lead? How specifically would your MBA help you do that? The way this is written now positions you as not effective and not dynamic, so at the very least, you ought to put more before effective and dynamic. Better still, write a specific answer to the questions I'm asking and include it.

Perusing the Kelly Direct website, attending online information sessions, talking to staff and current students as well as watching video testimonials from alumni has made me extremely eager to become a member of the Fall 2011 MBA entering class. Again, I presume you want to come since you are applying. The personal statement should explain the reasons why you feel that way. What was it that you saw or heard that impressed you? What did you ask current students and what impressed you about what they said? How does that connect to your purpose for applying?

Similarly, I desire to be challenged both academically and in ways that question traditional wisdom. How many other applicants want to be fed the traditional wisdom for 50K a year? Again, it's nothing that isn't true of every applicant, so it reveals nothing about you.

I have found that Kelly Direct does not offer just some "run of the mill" MBA, and there is certainly no love lost between the on campus and online versions of the program when it comes to academic rigor. Show of hands for other applicants that want a run of the mill MBA that lacks rigor? Still nothing about your aspirations that separates you from any other applicant.

Therefore there is no doubt that this program will challenge me. I also see the Kelly Direct weeks and team focus of the program providing a great deal of diversity. These activities cause the meshing of individuals and ideas from diverse ethical and corporate cultures. Consequently removing us from the comfort zones we are used to, thus promoting and encouraging thinking "outside of the box". Yeah, show of hands of MBA students who want to go to schools with a homogeneous student body? Anyone for staying in the box all the time? Anyone want to stay in the old comfort zone?

I'm teasing you a little, so please don't take it the wrong way. Analyzing your essay took some time that I could have devoted to watching a rerun. I did it line by line to show you that you have not really given the reader any specific insight into you or your motives.

I wager that you have unique aspirations and unique challenges and some unique reasons for wanting to come to Kelly Direct. The minute they become part of your essay, your essay will get a lot more interesting.

You can come up with them with a few minutes of thought about why you really want to go. Doing so will dramatically increase the quality of your thinking on the topic and your chances of being accepted because your essay will be unique. I believe there is something that makes you worthy of admission to the school, but you need to look harder to find it.

Good luck, Stephen.

Undergraduate / "the source to take my dream to the next level: Computer Software Engineer" - NJIT [4]

I heard about the New Jersey Institute of Technology from my uncle, a NJIT graduate (List the degree and year). He has been an able advocate for the NJIT, telling me about the talented instructors, rigorous courses, diverse student body, and scenic campus. Of course, I visited NJIT to see for myself. Everything I heard from my uncle and experienced for myself convinced me that NJIT is the right school for me. I am particularly excited about (name one or two specific things that are unique about the school).

I have wanted to be a computer engineer for a long time. As a boy, I listened intently to my uncle's stories about his work. When I was a teen, he taught me basic calculus and physics. He told me that physics and calculus are the foundations of engineering and encouraged me to begin my efforts to master both at an early age. By giving me a glimpse into the world of software engineering, my uncle helped me decide to become a Computer Software Engineer and to seek to pursue that ambition at NJIT.

As a LaGuardia Community College student, I have excelled academically and I have taken courses, such as (list some specific courses or activities that have prepared you) , to prepare to enter NJIT's computer engineering program.

NJIT is an ideal place to polish my skills as a Java and C++ programmer because (give two reasons that are unique to the school. Is a leading expert in language you want to learn on the faculty? Does the school have unique opportunities and ties to the IT community? Does it have a code library that is unique? Show the admissions person that you have done your homework on what makes the NJIT special.) Admission to NJIT is the best path toward joining a profession that I have wanted to belong to for many years.

Editor's comment: The original essay lacks specifics about the school and the elements in the applicant's background that make him a good candidate for admission. The original essay also does not demonstrate much specific knowledge of the school on the part of the applicant.

Good luck to you!

Undergraduate / UF - A volunteer experience ("how the brain works") [4]

Yo, Jordan,

So you wanted to be a pediatrician and now you want to be a neurologist? Did the experience at the Center have anything to do with the change?

The writers at college-admission-essay-help.com selected your essay for a free editor review.

Here are the revisions and comments of the editor:

Although I've done a lot of volunteer work, I learned the most from volunteering at the Space Coast Early Intervention Center (SCEIC). The Intervention Center is a non-profit pre-school that caters to young children with disabilities. The school places students with medical disabilities, such as Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism, in classrooms with children who are meeting the developmental standards for their age. Volunteering at the SCEIC appealed to me because I aspire to be a pediatrician.

On the first day, I was nervous. However, the children welcomed me. The children learned together and helped one another without seeing one another as different or disabled. I helped students do art, learn to read, and play games. The most memorable experience was working with a young autistic girl do an art project [paint a picture, do a collage, etc.; be specific.] . I remember her because she [say something specific that reveals the wonder of this girl's thinking.]

The experience has helped me see how blessed I am to have the time and talent to volunteer. It has also helped me appreciate the contributions that every person makes to the community that he or she belongs to.

As a result, I have [explain how it confirmed or refined your interest in pediatrics] . I expect to take part in service projects and volunteer opportunities at University of Florida as I complete a pre-med major.

The following changes helped to improve this college admissions essay:

- Use active voice.
- Be specific. Instead of "positive outcome," tell about the outcome and why it was so good.
- Avoid redundancy, especially when the prompt asks you to be concise. "Goals, dreams, and aspirations" are roughly the same thing.
- Don't write negative things about another organization or college. Rightly or wrongly, this can indicate to the reader that you don't take personal responsibility.

- Punctuation errors, however minor, affect the way the reader sees you. Have someone with a good knowledge of the conventions of written English proofread your essay.

Writing Feedback / How you can make my favorite sandwich.(one eight sentence paragraph) [3]

Carson,

You make a mean sandwich, my brother! You paragraph has been chosen by the nuts at college-admission-essay-help.com for a full revision.

Here are my suggestions on your paragraph:

My favorite sandwich is spicy roast beef. It's delicious. Get two slices of fresh whole wheat bread. Spread spicy brown deli mustard on one side of each slice of bread. Add three thick slices of roast beef right on top of the mustard on one of the slices. Add red onions, two slices of tomato, and a slice of green leaf lettuce on top of the mustard on the other slice of bread. Now, place the two slices of bread together to complete this scrumptious sandwich. Finally, cut the sandwich in half, and serve it on a plate with a handful of your favorite chips.

Editor's comment: Yum.

Letters / Cover Letter for a Student Position in a Laboratory - Summer job application [4]

Hi Ariel,

What is the specific position? What do you think is important to the people doing the hiring? What are they afraid of, as far as the hiring process?

You are essentially writing a sales letter with yourself as the product.

To get someone to hire you, you want to speak in terms of their desires and needs, not yours.

If your sister did an excellent job for them, you are in a far stronger position.

The first sentence about how you heard about the job is fine. If she was an outstanding employee there, you should mention her specifically.

What do they stress in the description of the position? Organizational skills? Proficiency in working in a lab? Reliability?

Your letter should affirm those attributes and then offer some proof that you possess them.

It's hard for me to give you much guidance without knowing a lot more about the position and what is important to the person making the hiring decision.

You might write it:

I would like to apply for your opening for a (position) that I heard about from (name of person), who worked for (entity) as (position) during (time period). She has spoken very highly of your company and of her experience there.

In the description of the position, you mention the importance of (attribute, skill, etc). As a high school student at (school), I had to do (activity), which helped me to develop (attribute) because I had to (proof statement).

Your advertisement for the position also mentions your need for a person who can (skill). I believe that I fill that need because (reason with proof).

In addition to meeting your basic requirements, I have a strong interest in a career in science, so working at (entity) is a logical way to further enhance my skills in preparation for a career in (field of study). You ought to do some research on the part of Activation Labs you want to work for. If you can demonstrate some specific knowledge about the company, you will stand out as someone who has done their homework. The statement might be something like, I know that (business unit) is working on (project). I have a special interest in helping with this work because XXXXX. Read the annual reports, President's message and company history and other public materials about Activation Labs. If you can determine who the person hiring is, research them on social networks to see if you can learn anything about their employment history and background. All of this will help, if you get an interview.

Please call me at your convenience for an interview. You can reach me by phone at or by e-mail at XXXX. I look forward to hearing from you.

It's likely your science experience is relevant. One edit that I would suggest is to not say that you placed in the top 88.5%. That's not impressive, because it's probably not what you mean to say. It's easy to get into the top 88.5% of competitors. All but 12% of the people who participate make that level of performance. You probably mean you were better than most people who competed, so say that you scored in the top 12%.

Good luck,

Eric

Undergraduate / UCF nursing program - college essay why i want to attend. [6]

I agree with Kevin. You need to be a lot more specific to write a strong essay.

In addition to looking over the website for the nursing school, consider talking to a few graduates of the program. They can tell you what the experience is really like and what is unique about the program. Be sure to ask those you speak with about the best parts of the program.

In nearly every case, people who are graduates of a school are glad to share their experiences with you and flattered to be asked, so you are likely to get a pretty warm reception when you explain that you are considering UCF nursing and want to know what their experience was like and what they liked best about the program. Take notes and send a thank you note to anyone who is willing to spend five or ten minutes answering your questions.

They might mention specific instructors, specific ways the instruction is delivered, etc. If you know the area of nursing that interests you, you can find graduates in that specialty and really get specific about what makes UCF's program unique.

Good luck,

Eric

Writing Feedback / My pet tiger, bitten by a snake and died. [4]

Dude,

Sorry to hear about your dog. I once had a snake that got bitten by a dog and died. But, that's another story.

I'm hoping the assignment was to tell a story in one sentence.

Here's my revision of your sad tale:

My dog's name was Tiger; he used to eat leftovers and bark at people who came to our door, but he got bitten by a snake and died.

If you are allowed more than one sentence, go with this:

My dog's name was Tiger. He was a (insert breed ) and loved to eat leftovers and bark at people who came to our door. He got bitten by a poisonous snake and died. I killed the snake with a shovel and buried my beloved Tiger in the backyard.

Remember that specific details help readers visualize the tragedy. Tell what kind of dog Tiger was. Was he a yellow Lab? A boxer? Was the snake a rattler? a copperhead? Remember also that Tiger is what your English teacher would call a proper noun. Even if he used to pee all over the rug, he still deserves a capital letter at the start of his name.

Good luck!

Graduate / "anxious about lending my contribution to society" - Physician Assistant Essay [4]

Your heading in the right direction. Your second essay is better than your first.

How about something simpler:

I have always loved to help others, especially if that help involves health and wellness. Because I am a competitive person, I excelled as an athlete in high school in (sport) and found that I loved helping other members of the team become better athletes through weight training and nutrition. It was an natural choice for me to major in Kinesiology with an emphasis on Exercise Science at Georgia State University. My plan was to become a personal trainer and open my own gym.

When I graduated, I worked at the YMCA and found that I really enjoyed helping people set and achieve their fitness goals. Because I needed to increase the number of hours that I was working, I took a job in retail (if it was health related, like GNC, or something, I would include that.) The experience in retail helped me polish my service skills, but I always had in the back of my mind that I would get back into the medical field.

After being accepted to the Stephen A Brown School of Radiography, I earned two scholarships based on my clinical work and campus leadership. I excelled academically and love the work that I am doing as a radiographer at Augusta Vascular Center. I have learned a lot from the physicians, nurses, and PAs that work with. One of my mentors, (name of person), got me thinking about my ultimate goals in the medical field and encouraged me to apply to become a PA because I have the aptitude, bedside manner, and ambition to help more people maintain and improve their health.

Good luck, bro.

Eric

Writing Feedback / My pet tiger, bitten by a snake and died. [4]

I'll never tell. :-)

Writing Feedback / Bowdoin: Comment on intellectual engagement, connection to place, or the common good [3]

Nicole,

I agree that your essay is well written, but I don't think it will help get you admitted. It could even hurt your chances.

I'm not sure that it's a flattering picture.

You may think that college admissions folks are intellectuals and that they will appreciate your zest for learning more than is required. I think the story could cause them to reach a different conclusion about you.

It could be read as an example of your willingness to indulge your intellectual curiosity at the expense of 25 other members of a captive audience. It could make them think that you're a pain in the ass.

If I were choosing people to make part of a class, I would want some intellectually curious people, but I would be more inclined to admit the person who was stimulated by the lecture to search out answers for himself or herself than the one who habitually disregarded the preferences of the other people in the room by deepening the discussion.

What does it mean to be intellectually engaged? Does it really mean that you ask questions that only you want to know the answers to during a class with a few dozen other people?

In addition, to asking how intellectually curious applicants are, admissions officers want to know how well they play with others and how well they fit into the campus. As is, your essay isn't helping you on those issues.

You can make the same point about being intellectually engaged without disparaging your classmates by giving some specific illustrations of concepts in biology that stimulated your thinking and how you did your own investigation to get the answers. Then you have showed me that you are a self starter and responsible for your own education. That's a positive picture that makes me think you would be a good fit for the school.

Just my two cents.

Education is not filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. -- William Butler Yeats, poet and pyromaniac

Good luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Education- should graduates pay the full cost of their education? [3]

Hi Wolverine,

Since you were asked to what extent you agree or disagree with the statement, you should write the essay in the first person. Unless your teacher has told you to write in the third person, you should write this essay with sentences in the first person -- "I think that..." "I disagree with the statement that..."

A sentence like "It is disagreed that.." sucks. It's awkward. No native speaker of English would ever write that unless he or she was a robot or a Congressional staffer.

Try: I disagree that students should have to pay the full cost of their educations. I think that education should be paid for by taxing people who are not smart enough to get into college. It will take years for these 7-11 clerks to figure out what we are doing to them, and by the time they do, I will have graduated.

Instead of "it is hoped", get in on the action, brother. Try: I hope that the government will make money available for students to borrow and ...

Good luck! It is hoped that your teacher will like your essay. It is hoped that my advice will help you...

Eric