Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by lightfox
Joined: Aug 10, 2013
Last Post: Jul 14, 2015
Threads: 3
Posts: 27  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 30
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lightfox   
Mar 1, 2015
Graduate / My goal to study medicine all started out with my brother being diagnosed with diabetes [8]

Prompt: Please provide a statement explaining why you want to study medicine.

My goal to become a physician did not begin until I was in high school when my brother was diagnosed with diabetes. The news of my brother's diagnosis shocked everyone in my family and I was trying to cope with the frantic situation. Naturally, my parents were taught how to manage his condition, but as an older brother it was my responsibility to take the initiative and learn with them. By giving proper dosages of insulin, deciding what kinds of meals to have,(and) scheduling and testing for blood sugar, this was the first time I exposed myself to the study of medicine because I was applying what I learned in school about the human body and I was really enjoying it. Suddenly, terms like "glucose", "insulin", and "beta cells" started to feel like they had a concrete meaning to me, giving me a sense of clarity of the situation even though I already knew about them beforehand. Diabetes became more than just a vocabulary word to me. It gave me an opportunity to take care of my brother in a whole new way and provided me a glimpse of the delicate internal mechanisms of the human body. In fact, managing my brother's disease not only helped me get a better grasp on the subject, but also prompted me to search in my spare time online for ways to help him cope with it. This led me to not only learn more about the pancreas, but also other parts of the human body and how diabetes impacts them. Before I knew it, I started looking into other pathologies, and I felt like I was venturing into a whole new world. My newly found hobby was only stimulating my interest in medicine.

My desire to become a physician led me to shadow my family doctor, and it was one of the most valuable experiences because it introduced me to the clinical aspects to the practice of medicine. As I carefully observed how he interacted and empathized with his patients, I could not help but think that in few ways it was similar to the way I was treating my brother while managing his diabetes. I also had the opportunity to engage in some hands-on experience, such as comparing the pattern of respiration between normal and asthma-stricken patients using a stethoscope, and observing the differences in appearances between allergic and healthy patients. However, my favorite part of shadowing was seeing how the information the patients provided related to their diagnosis. After each patient interaction, I would ask my doctor questions pertaining to the cases just covered, and he would explain to me the process of clinical overflow, including how he uses differential diagnosis and which tests he orders in order to come up with a final diagnosis. As I learned about this humanistic side of medicine, my curiosity led me to understand more about each case. Thus, I looked forward to shadowing whenever possible.

My interest in the human body system led me to major in biology at New Jersey Institute of Technology. Even though I took a lot of classes pertaining to my interest, my favorite class was Cell Biology of Disease, where we explored various pathologies that people were susceptible to. This course was especially important to me because I learned more about diabetes and the potential treatments that can arise in the future. The class has helped me in other ways, too. While I was preparing a group presentation on the cellular mechanisms of pancreatic cancer and cystic fibrosis, I learned how to best collaborate with my peers in order to effectively deliver our findings to the class, which helped me further develop my communications and interpersonal skills.

Because I solidified my goal to become a physician, I wanted to take part in activities where I interact with patients, so I became an EMT. Working as an EMT helped me manage stressful situations, think critically on the spot, and taught me how to manage proper relations with patients of varying diseases or injuries. Being an EMS personnel has also helped me learn to assess a given situation by gathering chief complaint and other pertinent information. My most important experience as an EMT, however, was helping the patients. Having a "patients come first" approach gave me some insight into why doctors treat patients very seriously. The patients calling 911 are going through very stressful situations, and as members of health care it is our job to comfort them and help them when they most need it.

Through my various experiences, I have to come to learn that medicine is my calling. My brother's initial diagnosis led me on a journey to explore what this profession has to offer and how I can contribute to it. Taking care of my brother has made me more aware of not only myself, but also others around me. I now help out my friends as well as my grandparents, who are also diabetic, by giving them advice on how to manage their condition. Through my time shadowing and being an EMT, I realized that being a doctor is not just about mastering the location of every bone, knowing the function of every organ, or even memorizing the pathologies of various illnesses. It is much more significant than that. The job is about connecting with and healing others in need. It is about appraising the value of life. I believe I am ready to begin my journey of becoming a doctor.
lightfox   
Mar 1, 2015
Graduate / My goal to study medicine all started out with my brother being diagnosed with diabetes [8]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice and recommendation for editing. I will definitely try to incorporate your suggestions, but there are some challenges to incorporating some of them. The application that I will ultimately copy/paste this essay into accepts at most 5300 characters. The essay you just read is a little bit below that limit, like about 5200. It's as you pointed out--I knew that going into detail for my EMT will make the essay better, but I was already near the 5300 character limit so I had to decide to sacrifice some content for the sake of being within the limit. If I go into more detail on some of them like my EMT experiences it will definitely go above the limit. The challenge is writing everything you want to say and staying within the proper length.
lightfox   
Mar 4, 2015
Undergraduate / We all care what the "world" thinks of us, and deny that - I have gone through this phase. [2]

People are often moved by powerful questions such as "What would she think of me?" and phrases such aslike "I can't let anybody see me in this!". In general, we all care what the "world" thinks of us. Nn o matter how much one denies that he or she doesn't care what the world thinks about them, it's hard to accept it.we deny it. I have gone through this phase. Thereand it was something in my life that changed the course of my life over the next couple of years for me. I was afraid to go out.

Unknown to me, in seventh grade I began to have soft bald patches in my thick black hair. My mother noticed and immediately consulted my pediatrician but I had to goI went through several doctors before they came to a diagnosis. I had Alopecia Aerate, a disease that causes hair loss. Like any boy I cried, because I didn't want to lose all my hair and becomelook like an old man at an early age. In most cases you only lose some of your hair and there's a 90% chance that it will grow back. Bb ut that was not true in my case. I tried homeopathic and allopathic treatments along with remedies to help grow my hair back.

I wasn't so lucky by the next year( eighth grade) I was only left with aonly had few strands of hair left on my head.because myThe doctor told me that I had a severe case and it wouldn't be growing backwon't grow back . At this point I didn't toldwant to tell any of my friends. ThenHowever , rumors started spreading that I had cancer and was going to die. People would come up to me and say "I hope you get better". Finally, I couldn't take my friends thinking I was going to die so I confided in one of my friendsthem and told him about the disease and that I wasn't going to dieI had., but instead of supporting me he spread more rumors that I was pulling my own hair out.

By the end of 8th grade I waswent completely bald., but I had permission from the school to wear hats, bandannas, and wigs., and for 9th grade I wore a wig. My mother also toldexplained to the school about my condition and helped cleared up all the false rumors. StillHowever, all the boys kept on making fun of me and made jokes ofabout my head. I stopped going out with friends, family and relatives. I hardly got out of my room when we had guests. In fact, I spent an entire summer inside the house,andwatchedwatching TV shows and movies all day. I would often think abouthow my life will be like when I would beam 30 and wonder that wasif it was possible there is someone else like me out there In this condition. My mother often used to tell me that I was the most courageous boy in the world. She was always optimistic and like a great friend. My mother even hired a tutor to home school me when I decided to take a year off from school.

My social life ended the day I gave up on myself. I would look into the mirror and wonder why me ? Why do I have to go through all this? Even though I was not fighting a deadly disease I'm fighting rumors and helping people understand my condition.While I may not be fighting a deadly disease I am fighting rumors and helping people understand my condition so I do not feel stigmatized anymore.
lightfox   
Apr 15, 2015
Graduate / A meaningful extracurricular activity for medicine--Medical Scribe [4]

Prompt: Please explain why this activity is meaningful for you.

Working as a medical scribe has given me first hand exposure to the field of emergency medicine. Although my role is strictly clerical and
does not allow for any medical care, I have gotten one of the best exposures to emergency medicine, disease processes, medical
decision making, and procedures. It has also given me an opportunity to understand the physician's thought processes and document
them accordingly. Since I am alongside a physician for much of the duration, my curiosity would drive me to tap into the potential
knowledge that would be present before me. Furthermore, my training covered curriculum that gave me a glimpse into the field of
medicine such as medical terminology, pathophysiology, emergency procedures, and more that would help me become an valuable
scribe. Additionally, because I am also an EMT, it complements well with my scribe because as an EMT, I transport patients to the
hospital, and as a scribe, I get to observe what happens to the patients afterwards. Like my role as an EMT, my job as a scribe has given

me valuable assets that can help me become an effective physician. It has helped me improve qualities in myself that would be valuable
to have as a physician, which include critical thinking, adaptability, organization skills, and proper management of stressful situations.
lightfox   
Apr 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should fresh graduates continue their study to the next level? [2]

Critics to thisthe idea of postbaccalaureate program claim that young people who start their career soon after graduation may earn much more money rather than people who decide to continue to pursue their study, sincebecause they believe that havingmaking money after graduation daygraduating is the fastest way to be a successful person in this life. In this way, fresh graduates , as critics point out, can have their own place to live such as a house(saying "own place to live and house in the same sentence is redundant, since they basically mean and do the same thing) and also fulfill their needs independently. After that, they can start to build a new family. Therefore, there is no doubt that having a job after graduation hascan improved lives in many ways and this wouldcould not have been possible without deciding first whether to continue studying or join the company.

On the other hand, I personally believe that the earlier students study at the Master or Doctoral level, the brighter their futuresiswill be . Firstly, many students usually do not really concern themselves on deciding on their job definition until the senior year. Thus in many cases,, which is why going to masters after graduation helps in choosing a proper career path. During the masters students get more reasonsprovide themselves with more incentives and opportunities to focus on career options ahead due to their increase in maturity, which means that they now are aware of the adult life lying ahead . Secondly, being a fresh graduate, it will bewill help students request for financial aid more easily from schools or other institutionseasier to ask to the schools or other institutions for a scholarship,sincebecause they are more likely unable to finance their study by themselves. So they canThis will prompt them to study their master or doctoral level with full concentration to each course they would take.

All in all, while this trend has a negative impact, there are several merits that overweigh the drawbacks . I think people have to consider carefully the options they provide themselves with before they decide whether theyto either study again or start to facefacing the real world challenges head on .

Good luck!
lightfox   
Apr 15, 2015
Graduate / A meaningful extracurricular activity for medicine--Medical Scribe [4]

Thank you for the suggestions! I will take them into consideration. By the way, I don't know if you remember, but you also looked at my personal statement I wrote about two months ago, and you really liked it. Unfortunately, I didn't work as hard on this one as I did with that statement in the past (I actually wrote this in the middle of the night in one go so there are clearly more errors here than in my first topic haha), but again, thank you for the suggestion. I will implement them accordingly.
lightfox   
Jun 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Advanced medical treatment brings longer life of human expectancy [3]

Hi Iqbal. I read your essay, and in terms of grammar and syntax, justivy has taken care of that. I wanted to discuss more about the flow of the essay.

Your essay is not bad, but I feel that there needs to be a better connection between your first and second paragraph. Your first paragraph introduces the scope of advanced medical practice and ends with people avoiding traditional medications. However, you mention in the second paragraph that advanced medical care is a really viable option, without addressing why patients leaving traditional medication is a bad thing or a negative impact. You never went into detail explaining why patients leaving traditional medications is a bad thing. Maybe advanced medical care really does everything traditional medications did and maybe that could actually be a good thing. If anything, you can also go into more detail about this when you mention the opponents of advanced medical care.

Hope I helped.
lightfox   
Jun 5, 2015
Student Talk / I chose an Essay writing service [25]

I agree with leviator. It doesn't make any sense that you would pursue creative writing yet you would not even be able to write your own essay. As for whether or not it's ethical. That's an entirely different issue. I don't think it's illegal, but at the same time you lose that sense of identity that you would have had you written that essay on your own, even if that essay wasn't perfect or as well-written as whatever freelancer you hired. Your own writing deals with what YOU personally think, and to let somebody else write an entire essay for you just takes away that sense of uniqueness only you could have provided and makes it more shallow.

But that's just me. Again, my issue is the fact that you wanted somebody else to write an essay yet you're applying for a field of study where you will have to write a lot.
lightfox   
Jun 7, 2015
Book Reports / (the book Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand) - Need a Thesis Statement [2]

Also, you asked for a thesis statement. You could put this sentence as a thesis in front of your first sentence of your essay:

The book Cyrano de Bergerac deals with the value of inner beauty and how helps a man more than his external appearances through the tale of Cyrano and Christian.
lightfox   
Jun 7, 2015
Graduate / What are you most proud of personally and/or professionally and why? Essay for MBA application [2]

The essay asked for what are you most proud of, and while you certainly eventually answered that question at the very end of your essay and gave some decent points following up to it, you need to mention what you are proud of at the very beginning of the essay. The admissions committee wants to have a good idea of what they are about to read, and while your first two sentences touches upon what it is I'm expecting, it does not answer the question right away. So what you wrote in the last sentence is has to be introduction to your essay. Instead of restating your thesis at the end of the paragraph, briefly explain how being more open-minded has helped you become a better person, or how being open-minded is a valuable skill.

I will look at your second essay later today.
lightfox   
Jun 10, 2015
Graduate / CV Professional profile - summary of a good achievements, goals or/and skills [2]

I am a recent Law & Business graduate looking for entry-level development opportunities towhere start off a successful career in the banking industry, an area where I have excelled but more importantly where I am most interested in . (I think it's better if you switch excelled and interested. I think firms are more interested in whether you have excelled at it than if you were interested in it) After experiencingfantastic(Since this is a professional essay, I don't think "fantastic" would be the right word. Try to look for another word that falls in line with how you display professionalism. Use "outstanding" or "remarkable" instead.)international study-abroad experiencesprograms and travels I'vehave realized that a multicultural environment would be the best to grow both personally and professionallyI can professionally and personally grow best in a multicultural environment .

A tip. Whenever you're preparing a resume/CV or any other professional document, NEVER use contractions (i.e I've, I haven't, etc) Write them out in full (i.e. I have, I have not). From my experiences, people do not like contractions when reviewing over applications or resume.

Other than that. I think it's not bad. However, if possible, try to better connect your desire of working in a banking industry with your experiences studying abroad. Let your first sentence sort of lead into the second sentence, because that's not currently happening. That's if possible. If you're already at your character limit then it's fine the way it is.


I hope I made your resume better and I hope you succeed in your endeavors.
lightfox   
Jun 10, 2015
Letters / Instruction of Forestry in the Non-Degree Access Studies Program - Letter of Academic Intent [3]

Overall, I like it, but I'm concerned because you stated that this was your final draft yet you still made some careless and noticeable errors. I want you to closely look over your essay before you label it as final draft. Also, you didn't fix the spelling of "Enrollment" from your previous drat. It has two "L"'s.

Contents wise, you're really good at expressing what points what need to be made and how to concisely explain them. My main issue with your essay was simply the grammar and syntax.

lightfox   
Jun 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The main problems associated with phenomenon of common Internet usage [3]

Overall, not a bad essay in terms of content. My main problem with your essay was that you made your sentences choppy--you explained things in two or three sentences that could easily be explained in just one sentence, and I fixed those problems and I hope you take note of that. I also rearranged the location of some phrases because I believe that places that I moved them to would make your essay flow much better. Hope you take note of these revisions and fix your essay accordingly .
lightfox   
Jun 16, 2015
Graduate / Perseverance and hard work have been my guiding tenets throughout my life. SOP for subjected course [2]

My
academic
credentials
bear
the
testimony
towards
my
strong
quantitative
and
analytical
skill
Why did you make this sentence into one long word? I assume you were at your character limit?

Other than that. Your essay is remarkably well-written, and you have provided the right contents. Your transitions from paragraph to paragraph also did not feel awkward. As you can see. There wasn't much revisions or suggestions I needed to provide.

Good luck in your endeavor!

lightfox   
Jun 17, 2015
Essays / The "Inner Compass" essay - how to introduce myself in the second paragraph? [2]

Well, this website is mainly geared towards helping people improve their already completed essay. I don't think we can help you write your own essay, especially since it's about yourself. We don't know you past your username and the essay you provide, and thus, only you can come up with a unique introduction for yourself.

Furthermore, what do you have for your first paragraph if your second paragraph serves as an introduction? Why don't you show me your first paragraph so I have an idea of where you're coming from?

As for coming up with a unique way of introducing yourself. Well, have you ever read other people's essays that talk about themselves? How did they introduce themselves? Were there are any that caught your attention? If so, how did they do it? Perhaps you could emulate that technique.

For example, something that would catch my eyes would be explaining a really interesting setting that you were born or grew up under. For example, "I was born and raised in the slums of Detroit, where crime was so rampant that my family would constantly volunteer one after another to stay up for the night to be on the lookout for any dangerous activities near our home."

This isn't perfect since I only came up with this on the spot for the sake of showing you an example, but it grabbed my attention and hopefully yours, too, because it described a situation that is really not common to an average person. The readers after reading that would want to know what happened afterwards. You captivated them just by mentioning a key detail about a situation that many people do not normally experience. Do you have a really unique situation that only very few people went through that would grab someone's attention?
lightfox   
Jun 18, 2015
Book Reports / If You Give a Mouse a Cookie; or A Reification of Tyranny Through the Instalment of a Phydo-Capital [3]

This is a very big essay and I don't think I have the time or patience to look at everything in detail. I suggest you proofread it using Microsoft document or something equivalent as it can give some of the more obvious errors.

Get rid of the comma after "The relations between animal and man" I think you're fine there. Regarding the contents, you seem to know what you're talking about. Also, I noticed throughout the essay that you have an issue with run-on sentence. You need to fix them and split some of the larger sentences into two or three smaller sentences in order to ease the readers while they're gathering information.
lightfox   
Jun 25, 2015
Undergraduate / The recipe for NYU, a missing ingredient which bring back this school on track to its future success [4]

Hello giasilahian. In terms of grammar and syntax, I don't see anything that's need to be changed. In terms of the content itself, I like the intro of your essay. My only concern is that the transition between your paragraph needs a little work. In your second paragraph, you talked about how you would love to be engaged in a city environment with vivid points, yet you right away talk about your career aspirations in your third paragraph. The transition seems too sudden and choppy. If possible, try to add a statement at the end of your second paragraph taht will have a decent segway to what you're going to talk about next in your third paragraph.

For instance, you can move your sentence that says "New York is the home of the headquarters on NFL, etc" towards your beginning of the third paragraph and use the end of the second paragraph to introduce this dream of yours and how being in New York will help you achieve that.

Additionally, in your final paragraph, the contents itself seems out of place. You introduce your career aspirations, but then you go back to talking about how you want to add your own diversity when enrolling in NYU. I suggest you focus more on your career aspirations and talk more in detail about how NYU will benefit you and how you will use that experience to better yourself when it comes to achieve your goal.
lightfox   
Jun 30, 2015
Undergraduate / Stepping stone - help looking over my Motivation Statement for the Peace Corps. [3]

Right now, I only have time to look at these two. I'll look at the rest later, but so far, I like the intro of your paragraph, but it still needed some revisions. Furthermore, you need a little work on transitioning between paragraph to paragraph. In your second paragraph, mention when you volunteered at a local orphanage in the first sentence.
lightfox   
Jun 30, 2015
Undergraduate / Stepping stone - help looking over my Motivation Statement for the Peace Corps. [3]

Okay, this paragraph is not bad in terms of content. In fact, I really like this paragraph. Good job! However, just like before, you need to work on establishing a connection between the opening sentence of the paragraph and the previous paragraph, like I did just now.

Another tip! Do NOT use contractions or other forms of abbreviations like would've, it's, etc. because this is meant to be a professional essay and people who are reading it will be ticked off if they see that.

Other than that. I really enjoyed the contents you provided in the essay. I hope my suggestions and revisions were sufficient and good luck on your endeavors. Don't hesitate to ask for more help on this site!

lightfox   
Jul 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / "Why do we not value the creative arts more than we do?" SAT October 2010: Essay [6]

I'm gonna grade this essay a 4, too. You definitely gave a good example to support your point early in the essay, but you made some serious grammatical mistakes that I addressed along with poor word choices, which ultimately hurt your contents of the essay. You didn't provide any examples that show that art can be either an elixir or cathartic. As soon as you were done talking about one aspect of the art, you immediately jumped towards another aspect of it, ultimately only being brief about both the aspects instead of being detailed on just one of them. Thus, I recommend that you be more detailed about one of them and give proper examples to illustrate your point before you talk about another aspect of the art.
lightfox   
Jul 13, 2015
Graduate / One of the biggest challenges I had to face as an EMT involved dealing with an uncooperative patient [3]

Rather than focus on the grammar and syntax, can you guys please focus on the content itself? Does the essay have impact? Did I transition right? Anything I can do to make the essay better?

Prompt: Please use this space to describe any challenge or obstacle you have faced prior to your application to medical school and how you addressed that challenge (1500 characters).

One of the biggest challenges I had to face as an EMT involved dealing with an uncooperative patient. My teammates and I were dispatched to a home where an elderly female suffered a head trauma and back pain. Despite my attempts to aid her properly, she kept refusing cervical collar, head stabilization, and cravats around herself as she was placed onto the backboard. However, she did allow us to put a cold pack on her back where her pain was originating. While we were on route to the hospital, the patient created a tense atmosphere as she was still writhing with back pain and started insulting us despite our attempts to expedite the transport as quickly and efficiently as we could. However, as an EMT, I fully understood the importance of helping the patients and continuing to be respectful regardless of their current situation. Thus, in order to help her out in any way I could, I proceeded to reach my gloves into where her ice pack was and tried to further examine the pain. Surprisingly, continuing to ask her about the pain calmed her down, even though these were the same questions I asked her back at the residence. She eventually snapped back into being impatient and frustrated, but thankfully this was right as we arrived at the hospital. She eventually apologized for being very demeaning to us. Managing this patient gave me the confidence I needed to deal with many diverse set of patients along with an appreciation of how I have the ability to overcome challenges.
lightfox   
Jul 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / "Does the success of a community depends on limiting personal Interest" SAT May 2006 [4]

Overall. I'm gonna have to give your essay a 4. I really liked the contents and the examples you provided. They were actually some of the best examples you could have used for your essay, so kudos to you on that. However, as you may have noticed now, there were plenty of significant errors in grammar and syntax spread throughout your essay that clouded the great points you have provided, which ultimately cost you points. Grammar is just as important as the contents you provide in your essays, especially for SAT. If you had made only a few grammatical mistakes, I would have given your essay a 5 or a 6, which is why I'm sorry to say this: While you're essay is not terrible enough for me to give a 1, 2 or 3, it's not good enough for me to give it a 5 or a 6 either. I can only give it a 4.
lightfox   
Jul 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / "Does the success of a community depends on limiting personal Interest" SAT May 2006 [4]

Much better. I cannot think of any obvious mistakes in grammar or syntax that I can point out right away.

My only problem of course, is your conclusion. Yeah, now that I think about it, you really did introduce it as a metaphor to the human body early in the sentence rather than later. However, it's the way you introduced it that made it sound awkward. You said "I ponder that a community is best assimilated to a human body..." I don't think that's a very apt way of delivering the comparison, which was why I probably did not recognize it as a simile the first time I read it. From my experience, people don't say it like that when they want to compare two things. In this case, simple is best: "To cap it all, a community is like a human body, with all of its components foregoing individuality in order to better serve a specific task each aspect is a part of." Something like this. And just add one more sentence stating how it's a good thing community forgets their egocentrism or self-interest in order to better serve society.

I would give your essay a 5. It's not perfect, which is why I'm not giving a 6, but you gave an excellent and a diverse set of examples that prove your point and it was tons better than your previous essay.
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