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Posts by ayibram
Name: Aulia Rahman
Joined: Sep 20, 2017
Last Post: Oct 12, 2017
Threads: 6
Posts: 16  
Likes: 2
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 22
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ayibram   
Oct 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is paying taxes enough? Writing IELTS Task 2 attempt [4]

@rubychautran
Oh sorry, here is the full prompt : Some people think paying taxes is a big enough contribution to their society, while others think people have more responsibilities as members of society than only paying taxes.

Discuss both views and give your opinion

ayibram   
Oct 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is paying taxes enough? Writing IELTS Task 2 attempt [4]

Question:
Some people think paying taxes is a big enough contribution to their society, while others think people have more responsibilities as members of society than only paying taxes

paying taxes as the only contribution to the society



It is considered by many that paying taxes is adequate to contribute to the society and the country as well, while some believe that is not enough and there are many obligations that we can contribute as a citizen. I will be discussing both debatable arguments in this essay.

On the one hand, those who argue paying taxes is enough coming from several reasons. Firstly, perhaps, they believe that arguments should take care of remain responsibilities such as providing facilities and sophisticated infrastructure. They generally believe that contributing money through taxes will directly solve all problems related to their country. Eventually, by this perspective, they tend to be an apathy person in their daily life and not consider other things as their problems.

On the other hand, others believe that there are other contributions that could be given to the national development besides paying taxes. Firstly, by giving their own ideas to the country's development plan is considered as a valuable contribution. In addition, people might help to grow their country by making a positive movement, organisations or institutions that aligned with the country's long-term plan. It must be said that there are many ways to show our contribution to our country besides paying taxes.

Overall, it seems advisable that the contribution to the society is not only about paying taxes, but also giving our best efforts, such as giving innovative ideas or joining positive organisations might be valuable to the national development as well as the society. It seems to me that we need to contribute more both in paying taxes and giving our other contributions based our specialty to our the country.

Please kindly review my essay :)
ayibram   
Oct 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / City - for the young / Rural - for the old? Living in small community or not? [4]

Hi Alimin,

You build an easy to follow essay and appropriate structure. I just found some grammar mistakes, such as:
- Many benefit(s) we can get if ... --> also relax, avoid, and stress doesn't need to capitalize the word.

- ... from other place or other country-->countries

- It means you haveto try to live ...
ayibram   
Oct 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Changing job; my writing should score 6 for IELTS, can you help me to improve my writing ability [4]

@intern0410
Hi Yao, let me give you some feedback,

First, you better put more sentences in introduction since you just put one sentence. Second, I think you should provide a conclusion statement in the last paragraph that answering the focus question: do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? I suggest you read about how to answer this type of question.
ayibram   
Oct 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / What is better for students, living in boarding school or in their parents? [4]

Some people feel that boarding schools (where students or pupils live at school during the term) are an excellent option for children, while other people disagree for a number of reasons. Consider both sides of this debate and reach a conclusion.

benefit from staying at school



Some people argued that children will benefit from staying at school, especially in today's fast-changing world. However, the issue is not entirely genuine and other arguments can also be made against the idea. This essay will elaborate both sides of the opinion and provide a conclusion.

Those who supported the boarding school mention various advantages can bring to students. These range from building independent skills to learning how to discipline themselves. For example, children will form surviving skill by living far away from their home, and not depend on their parents. In addition, if children lived closely with their teachers, it would form the intensive relationship between them.

Another argument is students who stay in school during the term led to several drawbacks. The example can be seen in major cities, where the cost of boarding school may be prohibitive. In addition, living with family, children will form family closeness between children and parents. For example, the parents able to see and control their children after school, and communicate more with them. Finally, it must be said that not all young people want to go to boarding school, because they have their own preferences, and if we forced them, it would be negative for their future because of learning without passion. For these children, boarding school should not be the suitable option.

In conclusion, it seems advisable that the decision to enroll our children in boarding school should be based on both children and parents preferences only. It would appear that boarding school will lead to several benefits in terms of independent skill yet it not the only one solution for all parents.

Thank for the feedback :) (do not hesitate to put score that you want)
ayibram   
Oct 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / The children live at boarding school or the other places [4]

@Mastuki Xenoph
Hi Mastuki, it is a good essay when you can provide both views in a balanced way. I think you should check in subject-verb agreement such as :

Argued that pupils living at boarding house ... <-- it should have a subject, you may add Some people,

then,

This will reduce their personality, and even it can disappear identity <-- you may add their identity
ayibram   
Oct 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. [3]

@Ahmad Faqhruddin
Hi ahmad, I think you build an easy to follow essay and put a comprehensive thought in this essay. I just want to suggest that it is better to include the question so we will know whether you answered the prompt correctly or not. Also, in the first paragraph, it is better to just put one idea of caused and put more supporting detail there.
ayibram   
Oct 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Humanistic Approach to Apply Law for Human - IELTS Writing Task 2 [3]

Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both of these two views and give your own opinion.

punishment for criminals



There is a debate between people about the kind of law that apply to the crime person. Some argue that we need to consider other factors behind a criminal activity and apply a flexible punishment rather than a fixed law. In my opinion, while giving fixed punishment will be easier for the judges to decide the punishment, the custom-law is more humanistic and tend to more wish to apply in human life.

On the one hand, the way to apply fixed punishment for crimes is likely to make sense. For each type of crimes has the guidebook about the detail that lawbreakers will get by doing a specific activity against the law. It also will make the work of judges easier than apply customized punishment. The judges are not required to consider another thing that may strengthen one position in one case of criminals. It seems to be more efficient when judges will only refer to the lawbook that the nation has.

On the other hand, fixed punishments are likely to have some weaknesses. Without considering the motivation and the environment where the individual crime does the wrong thing, it will lose the sense of objectivity. Furthermore, customize the law that considering other reasons why a person doing crime will make the law more humanistic and human-centered. When the judges refer to the lawbook and considering other factors behind the motive, it will make punishment fairer rather refer to the lawbook only. The benefit is not only for the crime person but also the judge because the judge will feel calmer after considering many things before deciding one case of criminals.

In conclusion, applying a fixed law obviously will be easier for judges to decide a punishment, yet it will lose the sense of objectivity. It is better to apply a flexible law as it tends to be more humanistic and will be fairer for both the judges and the crimes.

---
thank you for the feedback, I write this in 40 minutes and still hard to find the better idea
ayibram   
Sep 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: advantages and disadvantages of going to remote natural environment [4]

@Dongvo
Hi Dong, let me feedback to you. First and foremost, can you add the question in your essay so we will know whether you answer the prompt or not and you paraphrase them effectively or not.

Second, You better use one idea then explaining the detail in one paragraph rather than mention all idea in one paragraph (example: paragraph 1: advantages, paragraph 2: the disadvantages) It will help you to maintain the coherence and cohesion. I also still do this mistake.

Third,
In last paragraph (conclusion) you have to put more sentence to conclude your ideas and cover all your statement. You can't just put one sentence there.
ayibram   
Sep 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Creating Job Satisfaction for All Workers - IELTS Writing Task 2 Academic Essay [5]

@judi_soares
Hi Juliana, thanks for the feedback, yeah I think I have lack of idea in writing this essays.

@xhang24
Hi Xuan, yes, it is true that I don't put strong thesis statement in the opening and don't put enough the supporting detail. Thank you

@Holt
Dear Holt, yeah my bad don't use your feedback to revise my writing. I used to write with many ideas in one paragraph, and I will try to change this writing habit.

Many thanks :)
ayibram   
Sep 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Creating Job Satisfaction for All Workers - IELTS Writing Task 2 Academic Essay [5]

Question: As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing.
What factors contribute to job satisfaction?
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?


job satisfaction in a workplace



There is a true fact that people will spend most of their time at work in order to fulfill their basic needs. Work environment sometimes contributed to how the workers feel and perform in their work daily. Satisfaction then becomes a matter to both employee and companies as the employer. Job satisfaction comes from many factors not only about financial aspect but also the non-financial aspect.

Financial aspect such as salary grade, bonus or other financial incentives will lead to better performance for some workers. It is true that people need a high salary to give their best to the company, yet it is not the only one factor. Satisfaction in a work comes from non-financial aspects such as work environment, support from their peers and manager, and the feeling of contributing something to the company. People tend to be more satisfied if they have a chance to give their ideas to make their companies better. In addition, a worker who thinks his work give values to society will experience more satisfied in his job.

The expectation about job satisfaction that mentioned above is real and easy to apply for all workers in all companies. Companies and workers have to work together in order to create supported environment and particular strategy to achieve the job satisfaction. First, Companies should know the basic requirement for their workers, what makes their employees feel appreciated about their work. It is not only about money, but also non-financial factors as mentioned in first are important. It is a realistic idea to create job satisfaction in a company, and it also needs full support from all workers.

In conclusion, job satisfaction is not only about high salary or bonus, but also the support from the peers and the managers that really matter. It is a realistic idea to have job satisfaction in all companies and for all workers.

---
this my another attempt to practice IELTS Task 2, It seems hard for me to build the idea to write. Thank you for the feedback.
ayibram   
Sep 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Salary can overweight other factors when it comes to selecting a job [5]

@lamtrieuphong
Hi, It seems to me that you need to build more sentences in the conclusion that cover all the ideas you mention in the paragraph. The given idea about other factors besides the huge salary is good and worth to read, yet you need to choose one idea + supporting detail in every paragraph. Hope it helps.
ayibram   
Sep 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - teachers and parents education - which has more value to a child? [6]

@emem123
Mr Lee, I think in an academic essay, it's better to avoid contraction such as,

Some held that it's the parents' duty...
In this editorial, I'm aim to discuss ...

Also, you present good sentence as the compound and complex, such as, Some people may think (...) and learned how to be part of the it. yet you need to check the subject-verb agreement.
ayibram   
Sep 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / International fast food companies have spread their branches - junk food is available everywhere [5]

@diligentwriter
Hi Sheanen, yeah I just realized it. Thank you for your feedback :)

@hgianghgiang Hi Nguyen, thank you for the feedback and It is true that I have difficult to conclude the essay that covers all topics I mentioned before. In the second paragraph also I will try to put more supporting details as you suggest. Thanks

@Holt
Dear Mary, your feedback is always helpful and thought-provoking for me. I will try to don't put many ideas in one paragraph, use appropriate tenses and will replace the word 'It seems' to be 'I believe' in this type of essay. Thank you again.
ayibram   
Sep 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / International fast food companies have spread their branches - junk food is available everywhere [5]

Traditional Food Vs International Fast Food



Question : In many countries, traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The Processed Food Deluge



In recent years, International fast food companies have spread their branches to some countries. It causes negative impacts not only in the issue of health but also in cultural identity which replaced the traditional food. I strongly agree with this opinion that International fast food will lead to negative impact both on society and family.

First, junk food produced by International Companies will directly affect to the local cuisines in the particular area. It makes the sales of Small Medium-sized Enterprises (SMEs) in that country will decrease due to loss of customers who move to modern fast food. While it hard to avoid International fast food entering into one country, traditional food cannot easily be forgotten as it has cultural values to the country. Second, in terms of healthy, according to current research, junk food contains unhealthy ingredients that cause a number of different diseases to the human. For example, a substance called MSG that mostly found in junk food caused slow thinking for those who consumed often. Other chronic diseases such as high blood pressure will impact to the most of the people.

In the family scope that usually consumes fast food, will disadvantage by losing their family closeness due to the less of time spending together with family members. For example, mothers who not cooked in their homes will unlikely to have a good relationship with their kids because they invest less time to their kids or other family members.

In conclusion, it seems to me that junk food obviously leads to several problems both in society and the family. All stakeholders should rethink about the strategy to solve and prevent this problem for a long-term objective.

Will appreciate all feedbacks :)
ayibram   
Sep 25, 2017
Undergraduate / My path. I am applying for UGRAD, someone review my statement. [7]

@hadilakk
Hi Hadiqa, You put an interesting opening paragraph which is good for you yet you need to consistent with your statement. To give a feedback, I think the second paragraph is better if you merge with the first paragraph as it's more connected than put in a separate paragraph (or even you might delete it so you will meet the word limit requirement)
ayibram   
Sep 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / Harm fume gases from private cars' bring some serious problems [IELTS WR Task 2] [3]

@Wakalanud
Your idea in this essay is good, yet it's better to paraphrase the question and put in the introduction paragraph. I also found some grammatical errors such as the government prefers to increase the other sectors and I think you shouldn't present your opinion in this type of essay. That's all brother :)
ayibram   
Sep 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / A Time Bomb in Wildlife Existence - IELTS Writing Academic Task 2 [8]

@Holt
Hi Bolt, thank you very much for your valuable feedback, I appreciated so much. This essay is my first attempt to practice task 2, I also got some feedback about the task response and I got different feedback. But again I will practice more about my English as you suggest, many thanks :)
ayibram   
Sep 20, 2017
Writing Feedback / A Time Bomb in Wildlife Existence - IELTS Writing Academic Task 2 [8]

Please help me to review this writing based on IELTS Task 2 criteria :)

Question: In light of the current socio-economic situation of the world, do you think this the right time for wildlife preservation? If yes, what are the ways and means you suggest for this?" Give your opinion in no less than 250 words.

preventing our wild nature from inexistence - now!



In today world, the advance development for human being leads to several serious problems into the planet. One of main concerns is the existence of wildlife that currently reduced by human activity. In the future, if humans do not create a strategy to prevent this problem, like a time-bomb, it will explode for a certain of time. It seems to me that there is no best time to save our wild nature except as soon as possible.

The reasons why our wildlife become vulnerable comes from many reasons. First, the human activity such as deforestation contributed more problems in our wildlife existence. For example, in Indonesia, there are many companies that change the function of forest for their own interest. This action will damage our nature as our source of dozen animals and plants come. Concerning about this problem, now is the best time to start a change in order to save our future nature.

In terms of solution, there are many solutions that can be offer to solve this problem. Firstly, human as inhabitants on the earth planet should have a sense of urgency about the problem. They have to aware that they faced a serious problem. By this awareness, people will act and think wisely in order to save wild nature. Secondly, the government should contribute by creating some particular regulations to prevent and punish the companies or individual that against the regulation. The government also can contribute by creating more nature conservation in some regions that vulnerable and have many effects in the world.

To conclude, there is no best time to prevent our wild nature from inexistence except today. Many solutions also can apply as I mentioned above. There is a time to save our wild nature, for our better and sustainable world in the future.