Writing Feedback / CHILDCARE BY AN EXTENDED FAMILY OR PARENTS? [2]

IT IS BETTER FOR CHILDREN IF THE WHOLE FAMILY INCLUDING AUNTS, UNCLES, AND SO ON ARE INVOLVED IN A CHILD'S UPBRINGING, RATHER THAN JUST THEIR PARENTS.

TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

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There is an opinion that children benefit more if they are raised in an extended family rather than a nuclear family. Personally, I disagree with this view for several reasons.

Firstly, childcare by parents together undoubtedly improves their children's mental and physical development. This is chiefly because mothers engaged in childcare often provide nurturing care and emotional support, while fathers usually spend more time in playful and physically stimulating interactions with their children. Of course, one might argue that when young people grow up, for instance, with grandparents, uncles and aunts, they can also gain additional affections and participate with them in certain physical activities. However, since older relatives tend to have less physical stamina and perhaps much less sentimental bond with young children, their interactions are not as active and empathic as the parent-child ones.

In addition, growing up in an immediate family allows children to avoid conflict in terms of lifestyles between their parents and other caregivers. This is because when interacting with his parents, a young child is only exposed to a particular way of reasoning, which ultimately shapes his future moral stance and social-emotional outcomes. As a result, this can mitigate the risk of ideological conflict in the child's mind caused by extended family members. For example, although children will be allowed to play video games for hours on end if living with uncles and aunts, they will be told to use their time more wisely by their parents at home, which in turn, may engender bewildered children.

In conclusion, the childrearing by both parents is superior because it enables children to better develop the mental and physical conditions and adhere well to their parents' way of living. These benefits are not as pronounced or even not found in the child's upbringing by an extended family.

I'd very appreciate if you could grade mine based on IELTS descriptors. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Telling children that they can achieve anything if putting their mind to it [NEW]

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF GIVING CHILDREN THIS MESSAGE?

In many traditions, young descendants are instilled an idea that if they do their best, nothing is impossible. In my opinion, despite the empowerment given by this message, children are going to lead a miserable life if completely occupied by this philosophy.

The argument against the shortcoming of this message is that children are emboldened by their cultures to accomplish every goal. Without the encouragement from the parents, the older people such as grandparents, the communities as a whole, children will consider themselves as loners, living with no purposes, and might end up becoming criminals. Being mentally supported by others, with such idea as the harder they work, the more they succeed in life, will energize children to push through hard times of studying, working or competing and finally, for instance, pull off straight As, performance bonuses, promotions or grand medals.

Nonetheless, as the message does not limit the achievements to be only those moral, legal and contributing to society, it can be detrimental for lives of the young-aged. For example, students can burn out while cramping for exams because they believe if they work harder, they will get better score. When they grow up, under the pressure of earning as much money as possible to make ends meet, they will resort to any devious means to get what they want. Some extremists even commit crimes, especially juveniles, while still justifying their actions by this half-hearted thinking.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that children needs reinforcements from the grownups to get themselves down to work before winning in their lives. However, children should also be advised that mere hard work can not guarantee them to achieve everything and successes should be anything healthful for them and helpful for society.

286 words.

Could you comment and grade this essay please? Thanks!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: WHICH TO INVEST IN, RAILWAYS OR ROADS? Give reasons for your answer. [3]

authorities should not pay for building tracks but motorways

Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

It is generally acknowledged that figures of authority need not pay for building tracks but motorways. Actually, there are plenty of youths considering roads as the priority when it comes to driving for work or going to school owing to countless reasons. Personally, I completely agree with this statement since railways own a great deal of advantages.

In my opinion, rail service can give people a productivity boost in life. First, our timing would be guaranteed by express trains. Fast trains stop less to save us time and preclude our press for minutes in traffic jams before work. Second, subways would be much more preferred than roads as they can give us a greater sense of satisfaction. Lately, trains have been supplemented with advanced technologies, which lets people enjoy their moments. For example, I could read books online and have a drink without spilling it on a smooth-running Japanese express train.

The alternatives to railways such as roads would be further less productive. Firstly, developing more roads will be followed by the massive congestion. In terms of overpopulation, I doubt that joining the traffic in rush hours would certainly be everyone's biggest nuisance. Secondly, due to increasing use of roads, we will all have to pay a larger amount of tax and this is an insufficient funding for the constructions of more highways, overpasses and parking lots. That is why I believe, however, rail service price is simple and convenient. Eventually, our health would be at risk by emissions of CO2 from various vehicles on the roads, but this problem will be mitigated as for the fact that trains are fewer and environmentally friendly.

In conclusion, while driving on roads may be preferred by a number of people, it appears to me that road building is not a pressing need for the government to budget for. However, as long as nation invests smartly in railroads, our greater future prosperity will certainly be secured.

I'd be truly grateful if you do estimate my IELTS band score on this writing task 2 essay.

Writing Feedback / These charts provide an overall view of how the usage of water varied among six regions on Earth [3]

WATER CONSUMPTION

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The six charts provide an overall view of how the usage of water varied among six regions on Earth (namely, North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia) with regards to three industries comprising industrial, agricultural and domestic sectors.

As can be seen from the charts, there are four areas (South America, Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia) where the usage of water in agriculture accounted for the biggest share of each total water consumption. These places, however, recorded substantially inferior contribution of water to both industrial and domestic sectors in proportion to that of Europe and North America.

First, it is evident from the information provided that Europe and North America were the two areas with the largest percentage of water use for industrial purpose-53% versus 48%. Africa and Central Asia were on the list as well, however, amounted for the smallest share, 7% and 5% respectively. On the other hand, Europe and North America reached the low end of the ranking in agricultural use, taking up 39% and 32% separately, while Central Asia ranked first at 88%. As for the two mentioned usages of water, the third and fourth place always belonged to South East Asia and South America.

Moreover, we can observe that domestic sector in both Central Asia and South East Asia received the same lowest 7% of water overall. Otherwise, South America was domestically supported by the most significant water volume which equalled 19%. In addition to the greatest industrial water use, domestic water concentration was also remarkable in Europe and North America as their amount of water consumed by households followed closely behind South America's, having 13% to 15% in relation to each total.

I'd be so grateful if you do estimate my IELTS band score on this writing task 1.

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Writing Feedback / GAP YEAR BETWEEN HIGHSCHOOL AND COLLEGE. Is it a good decision? [2]

Some high school leavers think that they should work or travel for a period of time instead of entering university. To what extent do you agree or disagree with that. Write at least 250 words.

Gap year for high school graduates

It is naturally observed that some high school graduates think they should spend a certain amount of time working or traveling before going straight to the university. In reality, there is a greater liking for a gap time among students who intend it for multiple purposes. However, from my perspective, this route serves its both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, working and traveling would give the students a great opportunity to gain invaluable experience. First, they can mount some campaigns and raise funds to financially support the livings of the poor and elderly. Second, young adults will not only run into many kinds of people but also enlarge our relationship networks. And therefore, I personally believe this can be the deciding factor in equiping seniors with essential skills to manage people in our future career. Last, they are more likely to secure a decent job and help strengthen our community.

On the other hand, not everyone thinks traveling from one place to another for a while suits them. As a matter of fact, some can not afford, for example, the plane tickets, food and accommodation while others are scared of taking risks. Many high school leavers may consider working in gap time simply as a means of earning money more quickly but that makes them less competitive compared with their peers. Consequently, it might be easier for them fall behind of the game when they apply for a position in the future.

In conclusion, taking a gap year between high school and university for work or travel will be of immediate benefit providing that would-be undergraduates may accumulate experience and learn more about themselves to be certain of what next step would be towards the future success.

289 words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 LINE GRAPH AND BAR CHART : WATER CONSUMPTION - globally from 1900 to 2000 [2]

Hi. My name's Phuong. I'm 18. I have been learning IELTS for few days. I hope to get 7.0 on the test around 19 July. I'd be very thankful if you can help me with my task 1 essay below. Then I'm also ready to help you back. Have a nice day!

WATER CONSUMPTION TESTED

WRITING TASK 1 - TEST 1 (CAM 6)

MY ANSWER:

The line graph compares the amount of water used globally from 1900 to 2000 in three parts of economy. The bar chart shows the figure for water people in Brazil and Congo consumed in 2000.

Overall, the graph indicates the huge gap between Brazil and Congo in 2000 in terms of water consumption per person. The chart shows a rise in the amount of water used by three sectors throughout that century.

In 2000, each Brazillian used much more water than a Kongo, with 359 m3 and 8 m3 respectively. The population of Brazil was 176 million then whereas there are just 5,2 million citizens in Congo. Additionally, the area of irrigated land of Brazil could be estimated 265 times larger than that totalled in Congo.

It is noticeable that water spending by these sectors reached their highest in 2000. As the highest of all, agriculture sector accounted for 3000 km3 of water use in 2000, having gained 2500 km3 in relation to its in 1900. In turn, the figure for water use by Industry and Household ranked the second and the third place, with just above 1000 km3 and nearly 500 km3 each. Global water comsumption by Industry increased by 1000 km3, while Household consumed nearly more 500 km3 of water than in 1900.

215 words

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Writing Feedback / Can advertising BEATS our own judgement when we buy something ? [2]

Hi. My name's Phuong. I'm 18. I have been learning IELTS for 2 days. I hope to get 7.0 on the test around 19 July. I'd be very thankful if you can help me with my task 2 essay below. Then I'm also ready to help you back. Have a nice day!

The power of advertising

Writing task 2:
Write about the following topic:
Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

MY ANSWER:

Some people believe that the better-selling products nowadays shows the impact of utilizing advertisements instead of the truthful demand by the buyers. Personally, I completely disagree with this view.

For variety of reasons, it would be wrong to attribute the whole success of some popular products not to what the consumers truly want but the poweful advertising. Firstly, it is the customers who make the decision on which products to purchase in order to cater for their own demands without harming their financial health. Secondly, in the free market today, advertising is becoming saturated with itself. For example, in the city I am from, there are the huge array of advertisements varying from the malls downtown to the online shops, which turns out overwhelming and unreliable to me. Therefore, I believe that the only thing can make us buy something is our own knowledgeable judgement and free will.

In my opinion, we should all regard advertising as a tool to call for customers' attention rather than force people to buy a product. In fact, I would argue that it goes against the values of a free and fair society to force a group of people to do something against their will. It is beneficial for all members of society to purchase a high quality product if they want with equal opportunities given to all sellers. This will result in a healthily competitive market where each seller have to do best to enhance their products' real quality to satisy the changing needs of customers and to rival others. Thanks to trustworthy goods, a more productive and prosperous nation will rise up and promise us a better lives.

In conclusion, I do not believe that advertising would be the key to the marketplace where nowadays customers are smart and independent enough to make the best choice.

304 words