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Posts by Minh2903
Name: Minh
Joined: Aug 6, 2018
Last Post: Aug 16, 2018
Threads: 6
Posts: 13  
Likes: 3
From: Viet Nam
School: International school of Ho chi Minh City

Displayed posts: 19
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Aug 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / UK graduates and postgraduates participating in four different kinds of jobs after finishing college [3]

Bar chart about UK graduates and postgraduates in UK in 2008

The bar charts compare the numbers of UK graduates and postgraduates participating towards 4 different kinds of jobs after finishing College in 2008.

As conspicuous from the statistics, in both groups, most of the students chose to pursue higher education, while a third of them were unemployed after graduation. It is also noteworthy that only a small number of students decided to do voluntary work.

In terms of UK graduates, a majority of students want to study further, which stood at 29,665, nearly double that of those who were in unemployment and those took part in part-time jobs, at 16,235 and 17,735, respectively. There were merely 3,500 students becoming volunteers.

Regarding UK postgraduates, even though the number of these students was signification lower than that of graduates, the situation was similar as the figure for students deciding to obtain a higher degree was also the highest, at exactly 2,725. Additionally, 2,535 students did part-time employment, which was slightly more than those students who did not join the workforce, at 1,625. Lastly, the figure for student joining voluntary communities was the lowest, at only 345.

(184 words)

Aug 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1. Survey about suitable age for granting certain rights. [4]

I have some suggestion for your essay:

Firstly, the overview seems to be missing, you should conclude more fine details in this part or you will lower score for your Task achievement. Secondly, you should pay more attention to grammar accuracy, I spot many spelling mistakes in this essay, this would reduce significantly your band to no more than 5.0. Moreover, you should try to lengthen to about 170 words, your essay just barely meets the minimum demand for task 1, which also does not fully cover all the distinct features in the graph.
Aug 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 Description of a town centre and making comparsion after a development plan [3]

Here are some of my suggestion:
_You should avoid using " a bunch of...", it might sound informal to me, instead, using " a great deal of/ a great number of"
_" The main road will be transformed/modernized into a dual carriageway that will border the central area"
_"A great deal of shop which situated alongside the main road will be grouped into a shopping center.
Aug 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1: The population and its birth rate and death rates in an area in the UK. [2]

population size in the uk over three centuries

The bar charts indicate the size of the population in a particular region in the UK and the corresponding fertility rates together with mortality rates from 1700 to 2000.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the regional population in the UK on 100 years comparison point commencing from 1700. It is also noteworthy that the birth rates were generally higher than the death rates over the same period.

According to the first graph, in 1700, the population density stood at just above 1.5 million, and gradually increased by equally 1 million every century, reaching a peak of 4.5 million in 2000, which was twice as much as at the start of the period.

In the second graph, the birth rate was initially recorded at above 40%, while the death rate was slightly lower at about 35%. In the following century, the percentages of born and dead people dramatically went up to the highest point at about 65% and 45%, respectively. Both figures saw sudden declines in 1900. Throughout the remaining time, the birth rate experienced a slight recovery to nearly 60%, whereas the death rate declined significantly to the bottom of nearly 30%.

PS: Would you mind evaluate my IELTS essay to see whether my score is around 6.0-6.5? Thank you so much in advance.

Aug 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / The rate of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged in physical exercises [5]

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate that you will give your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your help. Have a nice day

physical activity in 2010 australia

The bar chart compares the rates of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged regularly in physical exercise in 2010.

As conspicuous from the statistics, in all age groups, except teenagers, women generally tended to exercise more than men. It is also noteworthy that women in middle-age groups participated in physical activity the most, compared to men who were more active in their teens and mid-twenties.

According to the graph, regarding the 15-24 age group, the percentage of the male taking part in the exercise was the highest, accounting for nearly 53%, while the same figure for the female was relatively lower, at about 48%. As they got older, from 25 to 54, women had an inclination to become more active as their proportion increased steadily to reach its highest point at 53.3%.

In contrast, the figures for men decreased dramatically to bottom out at nearly 40% when they hit 35-44 years old, then recovering slightly and slowly rising to 45.1% at the age between 55-64. Additionally, when both genders were 65 and more, as the percentage of women declined modestly, men and women then had a similar level of participating in physical activity, at 46.1% and 47.1%, respectively.

Aug 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / It is definetely a big challenge for a person to live in a country speaking with foreign language [2]

There are many grammar mistakes in your writing, I think you should pay more attention to those:

It is definitely a big challenge ... with a foreign language. I agree to this statement,... practical stuffs (it is advised that you should not use this informal kind of word like "stuff") will ... serious problems.

Human cannot live ... stay alone for a very long time/ a long period of time. But let us image imagine how if

I suppose that for most of the people ... language ability are is.

... this point, fist first of all, the foreign ... may have a different accent, ... from him or she her / from someone, but misunderstanding as an embarrassment ...

Few months ago, I went to London as an exchange student, ..
fortunately, the customs is are in a great patient,
Aug 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 :The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan [3]

You can paraphrase the school site/ the site of school by using " the school campus/ the school layout".

Here are some of my suggestion:
_...there was were 600 pupils..
_ buildings are will be connected by a path from ... 2 which will also link to the new-construct building.

_Furthermore, the number of students is expected to increase to 1000 in 2040.
Aug 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: should charity organizations only help their citizens or anyone who in need? [5]

Hi everyone, I really hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your review and I really appreciate your help.

Some people believe that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country; others claim that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they are. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

help to poorer nations vs the local needs

Whether charity organizations should focus more on international or domestic problems remains a subject of heated debate. While I agree that these organizations should aid their own countries, I also support the notion of helping people who need help regardless of their nationalities.

To begin with, it is undeniable that the fundamental aim of these organizations is to provide help to those in trouble. Firstly, the priority should be identified properly, in particular, they already have many critical social issues needed to be dealt with such as poverty, environment, and healthcare. Additionally, sending aid to foreign countries requires a significant amount of money and efforts which in turn might put a constraint on the state budget.

However, I firmly believe that the act of providing assistance to all people around the world is advisable. The primary reason is that helping residents in other countries to some extent will be beneficial to people in home countries. Taking the plague outbreak in 2014 in Africa as an example, hundreds of volunteer doctors and nurses who were sent from the UK and US, joined forces to treat infected patients as well as donation pouring from many charities in order to help to find a cure for that disease. Subsequently, they managed to prevent it from spreading to other countries, including their hometowns. Moreover, by supporting other people, the sense of humanity is emphasized, which is crucial to maintaining the peaceful and sustainable development of the world.

In conclusion, while I think that the charity activities should be provided to fulfill the local needs, it is also necessary to aid international countries.

(268 words)
Aug 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the information about the UK birth rate from 1973 to 2008. [4]

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate that you will take a look at my essay and so I really hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your help. Have a nice day.

statistics of the birthrate in the uk

The line graph compares the changes in the birth rates among UK women in 6 age groups between 1973 and 2008.

As conspicuous from the statistics, there was a downswing trend in the birth rates in under-30 and over-40 age groups. Additionally, an opposite inclination was observed in the remaining groups.

In 1973, the highest birth rate was recorded among women who were 25-29, at 140 per thousand people. After several fluctuations, this figure modestly went down to exactly 120 and still retained its dominant position by 2008. Meanwhile, for women aged 20-25, the number of births decelerated rapidly by roughly 30 to hit the bottom at 90. This was considerably higher than the figure for women under 20, which declined steadily by 20 to 40 after nearly 4 decades. Among under 40-year-olds, the birth rate dropped slightly from 20 to 10.

In contrast, the birth rate for 30-35-year-old women increased gradually from 70 to over 80 in 2008. Over the same period, there was also a growth in the 35-39 age group, slowly rising from 40, then abruptly surging to hit a peak of 62.

(182 words)

Aug 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 1: The graph shows radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992. [3]

The length of the essay just barely meet the requirement, I suggest that it is best that it should be around 160-170 words. Maybe, you could extend your overview.

Overall, I think this is a quite good writing, grammar accuracy is in well-controlled, the types of structure are diverse too, and you could pay more attention to the word choice. There are several points you need to correct:

+ It is "the figure for.." not "the figure of.."
+ the statistics in this graph are in %, use paraphrased words like " percentage" or " rate" instead of " the number"
+"there was a dramatic rise to reach a peak of approximately 45%..."
+ there is a lack of comparison between two lines, this could reduce points in task response.
Aug 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / The downsides of purchasing various products at cheaper prices - Ielts2 [3]

People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays. Advantages & disadvantages?

Hi everyone, I will take the IELTS test next month, so I really hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your review and I really appreciate your help.

These days, people have a greater chance to purchase various products at cheaper prices. While this tendency might bring many benefits, I strongly believe its downsides are much significant.

On the one hand, it is beneficial for customers when the price of products is low. One of the main advantages is that this trend allows low-income people to buy goods with greater diversity, which helps to increase their living standard. If the sales price is too high, people will restrict their payments and solely focus on basic survival needs such as housing, medicines, and transportation. Additionally, since these goods are becoming more accessible and cheaper, the overall consumption is strongly stimulated, which favors the provincial economy. Hence, this eventually enhances the national living standard as a whole.

In contrast, I strongly believe that its drawbacks are overshadowed the positive outcomes. The first reason would be that these cheap products can be made from unsafe chemicals and low-quality ingredients. This might be inevitable since the manufacturers want to cut down on the producing costs in order to decrease the sales price. Hence, using those goods can negatively affect the consumer 's health. Secondly, the cheap prices usually associated with low quality and short-term durability. As a result, buyers might not save money from these goods. Instead, they have to spend more budget on repairing, or before long, they are forced to buy a new one.

In conclusion, while the opportunity in which people can gain access to cheaper products can be advantageous to some extent, I sincerely concern that these shortcomings can lead to the detriments to the society.