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Posts by pcvrz34g
Joined: Sep 19, 2009		 Last Post: Oct 30, 2016
Threads: 22
Posts: 117  


Displayed posts: 139 / page 3 of 4
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pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

Prompt: If you could explore whatever you wanted for one year using methods of your choice, how would you direct your efforts and what would you hope to accomplish? (500 Word Limit)

It was the summer of 2007, when Kim&Woo, LLC law firm took me in as a student intern that I discovered my previously dormant passion for law and a desire to explore the rules by which we distinguish our behaviors. During my three-month internship, I encountered many concerns, some of which I was petrified to discover yet so fascinated to extract from many cases. While the public, lawyers, and politicians are primarily concerned about the legal procedures of the many cases that continue to infest our daily newspapers, a close inspection of the pattern of legal actions taken in courtrooms proves that the audience should also note the flaws in our judicial system today. Both heedless and unintended inaccuracies in the infrastructure of the system can produce significant dangers in the lives of innocent people, and the United States should take immediate action in discovering a more secure system to avoid any mishaps.

I want to devise an improved legal system in which all citizens can obtain the most competent representation and prosecutorial procedure regardless of income, race, sex, or any other identification wherein a method will offer sufficient and legitimate proof before any executions are made. Too often, innocents have been convicted with amateur evidences and authentications due to careless mistakes of geneticists, lawyers, and judges. Geneticists have previously made clerical errors in DNA handling and interpretation, and lawyers have been sleeping during trials. The first step in improving our legal system is by controlling these malpractices, whether it is through legislation or stronger sanctions to encourage higher performances. Additionally, while technology demonstrates capacity to discover a more judicious method, the government is only recapitulating history. Such a study would require me to analyze an ample amount of cases of various subjects that would adequately represent the many prevailing cases, and that I collaborate with crime scene investigators and the like to formulate a new approach. Through the process of the experiment, I hope to explore the history of our legal system including the explanation and the foundations for the design of today's legal system and to examine the many laws and processes that have been eradicated in the past.

While the majority of the public is not aware of (or perhaps rather ignorant of) the erroneousness of the American legal system, others have made equivocal efforts in resolving this serious issue. President Bush signed a Justice for All Act on October 20, 2004 - an imperative legislation that was designed in hopes of ultimately bringing an end to miscarriages of justice by guaranteeing access to DNA testing, competency requirements of defense attorneys, quality legal representation for vagrant defendants, and increased compensation for wrongfully imprisoned defendants. Actions such as these help ensure that American citizens are well-protected by law, and I am determined to induce new processes in our legal system as a step towards an advancement in American lives.
pcvrz34g   
Oct 5, 2009
Undergraduate / He played the violin; The sound of music [11]

okay thanks everyone. III get the point that i didn't show enough strength/weakness. if you dont have any other contributions other than that, please come back after i repost. thanks (:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement! [11]

comment on verily's opinion. I can see how verily is thinking that. to address that problem, i think you should specify "guidance of family". general guidance would be, as verily said, a bit of a stretch because there are counselors, teachers, etc. i know how hard it is not having support from family, and i feel like you can make this essay strong because the overarching theme can be strong if you write it well enough. good luck (:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

well the essay asks how the community/family/school directly shaped your dream/aspiration. i feel like marine biology was not directly shaped by las vegas. if there IS a connection, make it stronger. i feel like you just said two different unrelated things together. if theres no connection, you gotta rewrite another essay. :\

First of all, "As your driving into the city of Las Vegas," doesn't make sense...
use one, not you. like "as one drives through the city of Las Vegas..."
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "172 pounds." - Need help with the main essay. [7]

Therefore I realized how much I've gained from my friendship with Mae.

don't conclude with therefore. pleasee.

i dont like the quotations. try to convey that information differently. made me confused.
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

wait.. so what's your dream/aspiration..?

As your driving into the city of Las Vegas, your first thoughts are always "Wow! Look at all those pretty lights", But what you wouldn't imagine is that you were about to enter a twenty-four hour party.

i woudln't use "you". it makes the essay sound informal.
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement! [11]

Seeing the situation my mother and father were in made me realize how money can tear a family apart.

that seems like a passive sentence.

When I started attending elementary school my father and mother agreed that every other year I would live in Taiwan with my mother.

school, my

With my mother in Taiwan, my parents realized their marriage simply did not work so they eventually divorced and my mother stayed in Taiwan .

thats heck of a lot of sentences in one sentence. break it up or something.

My father worked seven days a week, he didn't have time to manage our household.

that's a runon sentence.

Therefore, they agreed that my mother would work in Taiwan while my father ran the family restaurant.

ran a family rest.

My mother and father were an arranged marriage.

they weren't a marriage. they HAD an arranged marriage.

check for where you need commas. you have a lot of places where there should be commas.

please read mine:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Soccer fascinates me' - Common app short essay [12]

Of all sport, soccer fascinates me, both for its edge-of-the-seat excitement in terms of speed, strength, strategy and stamina and because of the immaculate teamwork it demands.

1. "Of all sports .."
2. since you used "for" after both, you should also use "for" for your second reason, not "because of". It will create more parallelism.
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / My world-- UC personal statement [4]

They don't know how to speak English very well so they couldn't really help me or my siblings at school.

make sure you point out that "they" = your parents. it sounds like "they" are your sister and brothers.

personally, i find your essay somewhat..colloquial. Try to make it a bit more formal and intellectual.

A little cliche topic but the theme is well-written.

Please read mine:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "I got a detention in third grade." Stanford Short: Letter to Roommate [12]

DISAGREE WITH ALALAPRINCESS
i love it. they WILL catch the humor. it's so cute! :D i coudln't help smiling. really.

i also disgaree with kritipg. the tone change is necessary because you don't want to sound too happy throughout. You do add a bit of humor towards the end, which I also like. The style of writing says a lot about you. It's really really great. The best "write to your roomie" essay I've read. Really.

Please read mine:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / He played the violin; The sound of music [11]

Psychologist Howard Gardner has identified nine types of intelligences: linguistic, logical-mathematical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, musical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, naturalist, and existential. Choose one that you identify with and discuss a few personal experiences that show your strength and/or weakness in this area of intelligence. (500 Word Limit)

My essay is 475 words as of now.
I don't think I like the second paragraph... do you?? I really like my first and third though.

I thought I fell in love with a boy at the age of eight when in actuality I fell in love with music. He played the violin. His small fingertips prancing on the fingerboard, his sharp chin leaning softly on the chinrest, his curved hand swiftly brushing the bow against the string. How can one make such a beautiful string of harmonic resonance only through simple taps on metallic lines and repetitious sawing of the horse-haired bow? How can one dedicate so many hours, tapping and sawing away? How can one possibly practice to play twenty different notes in one beat or play twenty beats in one bowing? My young love inspired to me to too prance my fingers away on the fingerboard and brush a bow against the string, and surprisingly, his inspiration has led to make me the violinist I am today. I became the perfectionist of intonation, the conquistador of emotion, and the pioneer of the power to manipulate the aura of atmosphere through music.

I stand under the spotlight in front of a crowd whose eyes shine through the pitch black. As I breathe in a gulp of vitality, the violin is suddenly a piece of me, transforming into a mouth of a different language. I soon forget the many eyes focusing on me; rather I duelve into a world of expressions via sounds. It's the rich, fat fortes of passion and yearnings; the effervescent, zesty staccato of young at heart; the lethargic, ethereal legato of peace that travels as imperceptible wind of spirit, swimming through the thin air, diving into the ear, and burying into the heart of every listeners. Music is life that has immense power bigger than that of a man - a power to heal, to worship, to fulfill, to enlighten, to encourage, and even to annoy. I can only imagine the silent staleness of life without music.

Music: the articulated ring of each note together dancing in harmony. A language of no speakable words yet heard the most. Notes, the letters of another world and of another realm, existent only through our ears. Can you hear it? Listen. It's a symphony of life, carrying a soul, a spirit, a strength to swipe us away into a moving river of melody. Can you feel it? Listen. Music is my inertia of life. It is that that keeps me running at a hundred miles an hour, consistently flowing and swaying. It's the Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" booming on the radio in the car next to me on the highway; it's the famous Beethoven's 5th Symphony playing in the concert hall; it's the crunch of foots in the snow on a crispy, white winter morning.
pcvrz34g   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

Wow, kritipg. Thank you SO much for fixing that. I almost missed that...

I don't think I'll be using this essay for college application anymore.. Well, maybe. I'm still contemplating because I really think this is a "love-or-hate" essay. :\ It can go REALLY wrong or REALLY well.

Thanks to EVERYONE who commented!
pcvrz34g   
Sep 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Passing storm' - MY FSU APPLICATION ESSAY [9]

If you're going to talk about "brace advisor" maybe you should explain because Boxin and I didn't know what they were and by chance, the readers may not as well.

haha thanks. i write poetically, which is not always a good thing. i'm actually trying to stop that.

as for the intro, i would just take out the first paragraph. it has nothing to do with the rest of the essay. and i'd leave out finish line too. a little irrelevant. start out with just hurricane wilma. it's much more direct effect.

and make sure you fix your grammar. there are parallel errors and run-on sentences.
pcvrz34g   
Sep 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for Penn - page 217 of your 300 page autobiography [9]

interesting but i'm not sure if i like what you wrote about or not. it's just.. humorous.. not too personal. I can see that you tried to make it personal by saying how difficult it is and how you get to be someone else but.. not very personal. feel free to disagree though! (:

overall, i like it but i dont like it at the same time..

please read mine!
pcvrz34g   
Sep 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Passing storm' - MY FSU APPLICATION ESSAY [9]

I don't like your intro. Why do you say you needed help knowing it? It just makes you sound.. weaker and less educated. What's a brace adviser btw?

Growing up in south Florida working at Finish Line I have seen the best of people and the worst of people. The aftermath of Hurricane Wilma was one of the times when I saw the best of people and that hurricane changed my life.

you went from working at Finish Line to aftermath of Wilma.. I don't get the connection.
Don't point out. Don't do (physical) or whatever. The readers should be able to know if it's Vires, Artes, or Mores through your writing if you wrote well.
pcvrz34g   
Sep 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION [7]

I don't like how you capitalize fashion is my art. There's no real purpose in doing that. And personally, I'm a fan of your introduction...

And the prompt is questioning for a more meaning theme. Pick a different topic, something that is reflected in your life.
pcvrz34g   
Sep 29, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

I've revised the last paragraph. let me know if you like it more/less. I used diiia's suggestions. As for EF_Sean, I'm writing this essay for a scholarship. But later, when I use this for college apps, I'll be sure to add your suggestions (:

A girl stands, scars running in colliding train tracks on her body, reminiscing pain at all angles. Scars of various sizes, diverse shapes, and special hues musing over stories embedded deep under the pores. I was born with Atopic Syndrome, an allergic hypersensitivity that affects part of body not directly in contact with the allergen, but the syndrome itself isn't the only problem; I'm enveloped by layers of skin too stubborn to fully heal itself, jeering at doctors who too question my anomalous skin condition. When I'm numb with dreams at night, the allergen incognito coaxes me into blemishing my skin until my skin has been peeled away by my own nails and hands. The frustrated mother will once again scold me for doing so at sunrise and I will once again blame the anonymous villain under my breath.

"You're going to loose your fiancé when your in-laws discover your scars," my mother would tease. In all seriousness, however, her joke is the blunt reality. Scars carry negative reputations and often fool strangers to envisage negative situations. But despite others' opinions, to me personally, every cut in my life has left me scarred but scarred for good. My skin's memory capacity surpasses that of my brain. My browned knee narrates the first failure I encountered only one year into the world as I attempted to stumble across the room on my unripe femur. My slightly dented nose at close inspection anecdotes the first dark-tag I played, in which I exploded my nose blood vessel upon crashing into a wooden podium even before I turned five. All memories that would have flew past my eyes if they hadn't offered a souvenir on my skin.

I've made many mistakes within the first eighteen years of my life. Mistakes of various sizes, diverse shapes, and special hues. Perhaps my ideal is different because of the burden of scars that I've dragged around on my chain all my life, but I've naturally grown accustom to the unyielding nature within me that has develop my concept of life that begs to differ the conventional idea that mistakes and regrets should be forgotten. Upon confronting a problematic scenario, a friend would say, "It's O.K. Just forget about it and move on," when nothing in life can possibly be moved on. While we blindly try so hard to obliterate the dark times of our lives, we fail to realize that both the ups and downs make us who we are individually. Erasing any of it is to erase a chance to recover from the mistake and avoid it the next time around. It doesn't matter if my mother chugs ointment down the ripped crease of my skin or if I quietly lullaby myself to sleep because the cut will join the myriad of scars and the problem, stacks of unwanted history. At the end of the day, it will remain right where it was initially, smiling at me. James Joyce once said "A man's errors are his portals of discovery." My scars have been my portals of discovery and my personalized healing mechanism. I appreciate every scar on my body and every fall in my journey of life as an inspiration to become someone better. They have never shackled me down but rather ascended me to never carve the same scar again and to never stumble on the same road again. To study history is to learn to never repeat the same mistakes again. Certainly, I get a paper cut once in a while and clumsily gash myself against the chair leg every now and then, but they are new openings to develop me into someone stronger, scarred for the better.
pcvrz34g   
Sep 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Not sure if this essay can be used for this prompt so.. let me know! (: [5]

I applied early action to a university that did not require any essays. However, I want to apply for their honor program which does require an essay. The prompt is this:

Psychologist Howard Gardner has identified nine types of intelligences: linguistic, logical-mathematical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, musical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, naturalist, and existential. Choose one that you identify with and discuss a few personal experiences that show your strength and/or weakness in this area of intelligence.

I know a lot you read my Bittersweet Scar essay, and I was wondering if that essay can be used for intrapersonal intelligence. The definition of intrapersonal intelligence is as follows:

7. Intrapersonal intelligence is the ability to be self-aware and explore emotions, goals and motivations. This perspective on the human
condition is used by writers, philosophers, psychologists, and theologians. To improve your interpersonal intelligence, "know thyself"-write in a journal, meditate, try the personality tests mentioned above.

If you haven't read my Bittersweet Scar essay, please go here:

If my essay is not appropriate for the prompt, can you explain what intrapersonal INTELLIGENCE is? I'm a bit confused.. ):

Thank you all in advance!
pcvrz34g   
Sep 23, 2009
Graduate / 'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay [5]

One mutual endeavor possessed by Pritzker and I, is the desire to serve the community.

On one end you have Hyde Park, an elite neighborhood that serves as home to some of the most prominent figures in the Chicago land area. Then on the other side, you have the Woodlawn community that is home to many low-income families.

it is best to not use 2nd person.

I think you should research more about the med school and write how something unique or specific about it will directly affect you. All this says is that you have experience in medicine but it doesn't really go in depth as to why this particular school is great fit for you (other than the location).

Please read mine
pcvrz34g   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

YAY thanks for giving me advice. If you don't mind, can you quote the exact place? I'm not completely sure where you're referring to... Sorry! ><
pcvrz34g   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

yeah, the melancholy atmosphere was what I was trying to avoid.. but it's hard to eschew that if I really want to demonstrate my struggle.. I think my point was to have the ray shine through dark cloud because this really was a hard thing for me to withstand while growing up.

Is it overly dramtic? Can you pinpoint please? I personally don't see it and I certainly don't want to seem exaggerated... D: Let me know what you can find.

My first draft, people criticized it for being too grotesque and I was trying to find less gory words for it... ):

Let me know how I can directly address the problem. (:

Thanks everyone for your comments/suggestions!! <3

PS in a way, i kind of wanted it to be bittersweet. It truly was a bittersweet experience.

maybe i should title it bittersweet scars to explain it before hand..
pcvrz34g   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

Hi Kelsey.
I have to agree with everyone else. Topic is rather plain and really cliche.. If you want to keep the topic, emphasize how the obstacle changed you and make it truly personal.

Please read mine (check my profile).
pcvrz34g   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "I'm like a lot of things" - Is this good? UCF/Tufts [6]

Topic is unique. Details need to be added. I think your writing can be revised to make what you have so far better. You don't need to repeat "like hummingbirds" because it's clear that you're comparing yourself to the hummingbirds. Your character really shines through. (:

Please read mine (check my profile).
pcvrz34g   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]

I don't think the -- is a bad thing. I LOVE using dashes, so I know what effect you're trying to achieve with it. Although dashes are almost always never necessary, in my personal opinion, it adds voice to the paper. I say keep it. But this is coming from a dash-lover, so I don't know how others might think of the dashes.
pcvrz34g   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I want to teach [4]

I would have never been who I am today without the help of school and the support of my teachers. School itself has done a lot for me.

that's a bit repetitious.

I. learned to see not only the good in myself but, in everyone else.

Remember, not only-but also. So it should read I learned to see the good in not only myself but also in others.
pcvrz34g   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "difficult situations to test" - Vires, Artes, Mores, FSU addmission essay [11]

The only way my family and I could get through this; iswas if we did it together.

I could see how lonesome she had felt, she opened her heart to this man, and for once in a long time someone seemed to understand, to listen.

something about that sounds awkward... I don't know why. I think it's a run-on sentence.

I say conclude. It sounds as if you're already done with the summary of the situation, but if there's more to the story that the readers don't know about, continue. I dont think the "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom" really applies in this situation... but use your creative juice. Maybe it can! (:
pcvrz34g   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

Okay okay rewrote it. (: let me know how it is. and PLEASE let me know if it's still graphic. I guess I don't realize it as much because I'm used to it...

let me know if anything from the previous essay was better than the current one too. (:
pcvrz34g   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

now i feel like i should rewrite it.. haha.. i dont want the adcoms to react the same way T.T
maybe i just wont write about this at all because it's somewhat risky..
i cant think of a way to make it so that people wont misunderstand D=
anyways, thanks Boxin and cyber. (:

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