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Posts by hbrad8002
Joined: Oct 7, 2009
Last Post: Jan 22, 2010
Threads: 9
Posts: 20  

From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 29
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hbrad8002   
Jan 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Born scientifically inclined, I was, and still am, fascinated by the world around me - USC essay [13]

was, and still am, fascinated

I think there is no need for this. Just 'I always have a fascination for '

With 23 libraries filled with thousands of books at USC

I think this sounds too statistical and it sounds fake.
the admission people shall think that you've just read it from the website and add it in just for the sake of 'having a concrete example' rather than you're really drawn to a particular aspect of the college.

would you mind taking a look at my essay
hbrad8002   
Jan 22, 2010
Undergraduate / St Lawrence University Supp - how you spent your vacations/holidays? [3]

this is the prompt: Describe how you have spent summer (or long school) vacations in the past 2 years.

Unlike most other countries whose education calendar systems usually accommodate the summer holidays, Singapore gives its students the year-end holidays instead. Every year, I went back to Vietnam for my vacation during November and December. Yet that was the period of time that I used to hate the most.

Year-end, to my parents, is always the toughest time of the year when they have to prepare for extra lessons and examinations. This also means my Vietnamese friends are occupied by piles of notes and assignments rather than cinema shows or latest fashions. As a result, I stayed home alone and befriended with the TV - things I called 'complete boredom'.

Fortunately, that only lasted for the first two years. The past two years, as I realized that I had been wasting so much time, I decided to design some plans to make good use of my long holidays.

I remember the first thing I asked my father when I arrived at my hometown two years ago was 'Dad, could you buy me a motorbike? I want to go around; I don't want to stay at home.' I strongly believe that staying at home makes me become stagnant, both physically and intellectually. I must go out to get some 'street experiences'.

In fact, the motorbike was much helpful than I had ever expected. With this mobility, I was able to take over my parents in some household jobs. Every afternoon I took a ride to the supermarket to help my mum get the food for dinner. Sometimes, I replaced my dad to go to look for water pipe and some light bulbs. Yet, the hidden treasure that I was searching for was the society - exposure. As I crashed into other people while driving and got into quarrel, I enhanced my communication and problem - handling skills. As I shopped and bargained, I improved my choosing and negotiation abilities. Throughout the two months, I spent almost every afternoon on the streets. They helped me grow.

Sometimes, I rode to the Hanoi Stock Exchange. I liked to stand outside the trading hall, stared at the electronic boards inside showing red and green numbers. I understood those figures and found my interest in them. That was thanks to the mornings I spent on books and articles about the stock exchange system and its rules and regulations. As I realized that I should start planning my career right then, I decided that stock and securities should be a new area to learn. I read books to gain the theories while I played virtual games on the internet to have the practices. Every morning, the first thing I did was to turn on the computer to check the price of my stocks and make trades. I thought it was more productive than turning on the TV!

On the other hand, I grew up in Vietnam where children are usually only encouraged to excel academically. In Singapore, I was amazed by my friends who got grade 8 for piano or who could play wonderfully both violin and guitar. This urged me to learn something new to make up for my lack of artistic ability and guitar was what I spent my nights on. Guitar required concentration like a form of learning, yet it also gave joy as a type of hobby. Each plucking sound brought me a moment of relaxation and refreshment. Gradually, guitar became part of my daily life: its sounds ended my fruitful day.

I must admit that I am the realistic type of person. Many people consider holidays the time purely for rest or even 'slackness', yet I see them as such a great waste of time.' I believe my free time should incorporate both hibernation and absorption. I regret that I had thrown so much time out of the window in previous years. 'Making good use of time' is now my core principle of life and I commit to that lifestyle in order to live a rich and rewarding life in future.

Thanks a lot
hbrad8002   
Jan 22, 2010
Undergraduate / U of Michigan - Respect for Diversity - Cultural Diff. (Chinese and Americans) [6]

I used to study at an elementary school atin the States, but currently I studyam studying at all-Chinese based Hong KongHong Kong - based Chinese high school. The experiences have been direct and I acutely sense two cultural differences at play between Chinese and Americans in as simple as ini really don't get this phrase the classroom.
hbrad8002   
Jan 18, 2010
Undergraduate / common app short answer: tennis in my life [4]

i think your sentence structures seem a bit confusing.
something like you try to put as many points as possible into one sentence, which makes your sentences very heard to get.
and I agree with Kevin, your answer seems to be an incident/story rather a description of your activity
hbrad8002   
Jan 18, 2010
Undergraduate / 'the Asian Supermarket' - Georgetown essay about YOU [5]

i like the way you write it. It's really nicely written
yet I must agree with the other 2 that your essay lacks 'you' element.
you should relate more to your personality, lifestyle, thoughts, beliefs... so that the readers will have a clear picture of you when they read your essay.

good luck
hbrad8002   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

i think this essay is very risky. your essay contains almost everything that the admission committee have already warned us not to do: your content is a bit too "unique", the language is not formal, and it contains a lot of slangs.

and even if the reader isnt feminist, i cannot imagine if he will get excited with this essay.

yet, it's just risky doesnt mean that it won't stand a chance. i would suggest that you write another essay to explain the philosophy of this essay. :)
hbrad8002   
Jan 4, 2010
Scholarship / Commonapp essay - Encounter a beggar [3]

I was trying to write a supplemental essay for Dickinson College with the prompt
'Dickinson students shall not think they belong to themselves'
but in the end, I ended up writing this essay. so I intend to use this replace my Commonapp essay.
Any comment on this, please?

That was a winter morning. It was so freezing that I could feel the chill down along my spine. I followed my father out to the gate. That had always been my daily duty: after my dad left for work, I would have to lock the door and look after my little house. I opened the door and inhaled deeply to enjoy the early dawn fresh air. As I was waiting for my dad, I casted a glance across the street: it was so early that the street was completely still. My eyes suddenly stopped at a small figure from a far. 'Just someone was walking on the pavement.' I thought. Yet, as the figure came nearer into my eyesight, I realized that the person was not walking normally. That was an old man limping. That was a homeless beggar.

As he hobbled nearer to me, I noticed how miserable his appearance was. Under the cutting coldness, he was only protected by a grimy dark shirt and a thin, shabby 70s' coat. His bare head revealed his dusty and almost half white hair. His face displayed neither feelings nor emotions. He kept his eyes down to the ground as if he was searching for something. On occasions, he directed his view up, perhaps just to see how far he had staggered. And one of those few times, he spotted my presence.

I was startled to discern that old beggar was approaching me. I had encountered beggars many times previously, but the situation then was not similar to those I had experienced: the weather was cold, the street was silently empty and I was alone. The beggar's approach mysteriously created an unknown pressure on me. I did not know what to do. I did not have anything to offer. Neither did I want to reject his misfortune. I wished I could have displaced back to my room.

'Uncle, please help this old man.' The beggar stood in front of me, showed me his shivering bony hands and murmured.
I did not believe in what I heard. He addressed me as 'Uncle' while he was, in fact, of my uncle's age. That made me even more puzzled and 'Err...' was the only sound I could find out of my stuttering mouth.

Suddenly, my dad's voice echoed from behind 'Who is that, Cuong?'
'What a right time!' I was as happy as a sinking man who suddenly found a buoy to grasp. My dad appeared at the right moment to rescue me from that bewildering situation. He took the motorbike out of the narrow door and said the beggar firmly 'Sorry uncle, we don't have any money here.'

The old man, perhaps, had already been so familiar with this sort of answer that he turned away quickly and did not even show any nuance of disappointment. He continued to limp away on the silent street.

As I locked the door, the image of the old beggar kept haunting me. His unemotional face and his trembling fingers kept rewinding in my mind. I felt anxious and uneasy. My inner self told me that I must do something, that the old beggar should have received some help instead of my dad's apathy. All of a sudden, the drawer in which I kept my saving money came across my mind. I hurried back to my room, pulled out a ten - thousand - VND paper note and rushed back down to the gate to look for the old man. Fortunately, he was still there, still dragging on the seemingly endless road. I ran to him and offered him the orange paper note. Picking up the note with the trembling hand, the beggar looked up to me, still without expressing any emotion. As my eyes caught his glacial face, I felt a little scared. Not daring to look at him again, I immediately rushed back to my house and closed the door. Back to the room, I myself was shivering. And I knew that was the shiver of delight.
hbrad8002   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Trinity College Supp - What's your Integrity Contract? [2]

Please help me look through this.
I'm kinda rushing now. deadline for this is 1/1
Thanks

Please write a one page essay in response to the following question:
Trinity's Integrity Contract articulates our expectations of honesty, personal responsibility, active consideration of others, and respect for our community. What personal "integrity contract" do you employ in your own life? (To view Trinity's Integrity Contract, please visit trincoll.edu/StudentLife/DeanOfStudents/student_handbook).

Since the time my conscience was formed, I have always held strong belief in honesty, responsibility and respect. Together they have constructed my integrity contract which I have been abiding by in my everyday word and action.

To me, honesty and responsibility are the most important principles of life. I explore that trust is the key to open the door of chances and opportunities and trust can only be built on the foundation of honesty and responsibility. When I perform an honesty act, I make the impression on others that I am a reliable and trustworthy person. When I take up a task with special attention and thoroughness, I let people know that I am an efficient and serious doer. These urge people to outsource their roles to me, which I consider opportunities for me to shine in all life aspects.

Throughout my high school years, I have employed this as my guideline to accomplishments. I devoted much of my time and efforts to my Audio Visual Arts (AVA) Club. Detailed reports of faulty equipment are still stored in my laptop. Days when I stayed back in school until 11 p.m. to edit videos or to ensure the light and sound systems would work well for upcoming performances are still vivid in my mind. Although I must admit that my passion for computer and technical hardware was a force that drove my devotion, my integrity contract also played a part in binding me to that 'strive for the best' deal. And in exchange for that, after a few months, I was granted the post of Club Executive Committee Member - 'an opportunity'.

Meanwhile, I see respect as a catalyst to succeed in life. Sole respect does not make me advance but it smoothes my path to advancements. The mechanism of respect, in my perception, is simple: if one shows respect to others, he would get respect from others.

This philosophy has rationalized my habit of greeting all the staffs in school regardless of whether they were my teachers. I have always believed that even though the people I greeted were not my tutors, I might need their help someday. In fact, that tiny greeting was more effective than I had ever figured. I still remember the first AVA training I joined, it was the teacher - in - charge, Mr. Fong, who joked with me 'Were you the one who kept greeting me and other teachers?' I replied 'Yes, sir.' And he said wittily 'Good, I'm going to give you free tuition!' And really, throughout the 2 years, I received a lot of help from him with my Physics.

I do understand that success is not simply defined by an 'integrity contract'. Honesty, responsibility and respect would not bring me anywhere if I do not possess the skills and aptitude. Yet, on the other side of the table, sticking with them would help me purify my characteristics, thus make me more wholly as a person. This integrity contract may or may not pull me up, but it will prevent me from falling down.
hbrad8002   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / engineering, Northwestern Supplement Essay [3]

Four months ago, I knew nothing about Northwestern University. It was only when I started my college research that I came across NU. I was looking for a US university that has one of the best industrial engineering programs in the country and at the same time gives financial aid to international students

For me, I would never write this in my essay.
i am also an international student, and although I must agree that financial aid is one of the most important factor that we, international students, usually consider when choosing universities; it is not the way to put it in your essay.

the reader will certainly ask : why don't you consider Cornell? it also gives aids, and its engineering is the one of the best, too. or maybe MIT?

that is not the unique quality that an university can have.

they expect you to come up with things such as: culture, location, diversity, strong programs, some well-known alumni..
hbrad8002   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Stand up and try again' - Trinity college - Personal integrity contract [4]

I believe this is more of a argumentative/expository type of essay. There is no "you" element in here. The admission committee wanna get to know about you, not all these philosophies. You must incorporate all these information into your essay: what you do, what you think, what you feel... In simple words, you must be able to tell the reader what quality you employ in life and what you do/think to follow that quality.

For example "for me, my integrity contract includes honesty and responsibility. everyday I tell the truth. everyday I take everything seriously."

Perhaps you're not familiar with what the admission committee is looking for. So try to rewrite it :)
hbrad8002   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Conncoll supplement - tell us something about you [2]

I'm stuck at the conclusion. could you suggest any approach for my conclusion?

Please share something about yourself that you have not addressed in your Common Application and that may not be revealed in a recommendation. (250 words)

I have a special interest in all sorts of mysteries. I love to read about the cryptic disappearances of ships and vessels in the famous Bermuda Triangle, or abstruse crop circles on the Britain's barley fields, or enigmatic legends about UFOs and aliens encounters.

I consider those as my intellectual hobby. Mysteries give me a mental break from my daily hectic life. They allow me to spread my wings of imagination and let my brain enjoy moments of freedom. Sometimes I like to imagine how aliens could look like: perhaps a 10-meter giant creature with four hands and probably four legs wearing a dark glassy helmet. Other occasions, I get occupied by the virtual scenario in which tomorrow when I wake up, I will find myself somewhere in Kenya's desert!

Mysteries also help me train my intellectual mind. When I face a mystery, I treat it as a challenge, which I must defeat by understanding it. I feel very uncomfortable if my wonders are left unanswered. I still remember I spent one whole afternoon finding out what was behind the 2012 'The end of the world' phenomenon. The process in which I seek information and make assumption also gives my mind more flexibility and creativity in thinking.

Yet mysteries are still mysterious. I feel happy because I will never run out of mysteries to immerse my mind.
hbrad8002   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer (both sides of the stage) [4]

perhaps you may want to elaborate more on the last sentence. what do you mean by "learned the importance of creativity"

but overall, i think it's impressive :)
goodluck
hbrad8002   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Skidmore supplement response - why a good match? [2]

In brief, why do you feel that Skidmore is a good match for your academic and personal goals? (700 characters)

I have a special interest in Economics. Since I was small, I have always been fascinated by scenes of NYSE and Wall Street on television. Yet my school years directed me in another branch of knowledge: science. I found new fondness in solving Mathematics and Chemistry problems. Soon did I realize that my career path should be oriented parallel to these realms.

At Skidmore, "Creative Thought Matters." At Skidmore, my creativity will be put for trial. Skidmore will be an excellent laboratory for me to experiment different combinations of knowledge. The strong, encouraged personalized education there will allow me to explore my unexplored intellectuality. Skidmore will help me define my future.

(699 characters with spaces)

So what do you guys think?
thank you
hbrad8002   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Short answer activity--volunteering at nursing home. [7]

i'm not so sure whether this short response will work.
from my impression, it seems like the first 4 lines of your response is just a laundry list of what you did. You did them does not necessarily mean that you have the passion for them.So it's kinda dry here.

and the flow here could be done better. out of nowhere, you recall the incident. remember that your example/incident should support/illustrate a point. Yet I do not see any point here.

This is just from my point of view. because I got these kinda comments a lot. I made a lot of similar mistakes
hbrad8002   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Leaving Singapore' - URichmond Supplement Essay - Leaving the comfort zone [3]

Could you guys take a look at this essay?
If this was good, I perhaps would want to replace my commonapp essay by this essay.
So what do you guys think?

The day I left for Singapore, my mind was an amalgam of excitement and nerve. I queued at the custom counter, trying to balance myself between the two poles of eagerness and fear. I could not wait to see the aircraft, to see Singapore, to see my new life. But at some moment, I turned back and saw my mother from afar using her handkerchief wiping her tears and startled to realize that I was leaving my family for that 'new life'.

Back to the month before I went, I still remember how my parents kept giving me lengthy lessons and advices. My dad kept pouring 'Take care and behave well' into my ears while my mum was trying to teach me how to sew and how to cook. Yet, despite all their efforts, what I showed was an attitude of complete ignorance. I did not expect living on my own to be such a big problem. My conscience was clouded by the illusion of a 'new' life, although I hardly had any idea what 'new' really was. I just vaguely visualized a great life ahead.

However, first days in the foreign land proved that expectation to be wrong: I found it really hard to adapt to that new life, one which was absolutely under my authority. I had been so used to the habit of just throwing my dirty clothes to the corner of the room so that I would get them back the following day, nice and clean, that I started to feel uneasy. I had to get accustomed with cooking noodles because the new food did not suit my taste, I had to iron my uniforms because the hostel's laundry service only accommodated the washing part and I had to change my bed sheet every week otherwise I would be fined. I felt like being tortured.

Such moments aroused in me the feelings of extreme homesickness. I missed my home's dinners, my family's care and even my parents' lengthy lessons and advices! I realized that what my parents had tried to equip me was not unnecessary and regretted not having listened to them. The concept of 'new life' then became clear to me: life out of comfort zone.

Yet, as time passed by, I slowly overcame those discomforts and defeated the dragging force of my dependent nature. After the hard first times, I gradually got used to the duty of taking care of myself. With the help of my hostel mistress, I learned how to make a delicious bowl of noodles. Thanks to my friends, I became more choosy and experienced every time I shopped in the supermarket. But perhaps the most valuable accomplishment I attained was a lesson - things would forever appear difficult one gave them a try ï one which seemed to be an easy lesson to people but really a life experience for me.

Four years have passed since the day I set out for the unexpected independence. Today I am a different person. It is hard to tell how much different I have been over this long period of time but I really have changed, inasmuch as I once surprised my father by nicely tying a tie and even professionally showing him the various methods of tying it. I feel thankful for Singapore, for these past four years, which have given me growth and maturity. Probably I would never be who I am today if I were to stay in my comfort zone.
hbrad8002   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "the Global Citizens Project" - describe extracurricular or personal activities [4]

you only have one sentence at the end 'joining this..' to talk about how the activity has an impact on you.
elaborate more on that. how does it change you? how do you relate it to your goal/interest/value.
that is the part where the reader will know what you think/what you do/ what qualities you display..
hbrad8002   
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Conncoll supplement - what influences your desire to attend conncoll? [5]

The Prompt is:
What, in particular, influences your desire to attend Conncoll? (250 words)

I have always been inspired by figures such as Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, not because of their huge billion-dollar assets or their gifted business wisdom, but rather their kindness and benevolence. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which has been promised by Mr. Buffet to inherit his wealth when he's gone, is a form of 'giving back' to the society.

Yes, 'give back'. To me, 'give back' is an important principle of life. I always believe that I would never be who I am today without other people. During years studying under a scholarship in Singapore, I realized that I was in fact using the tax money of the Singaporeans. I felt as if I owed them something. That thought motivated me to join several community involvement programs. I went to the nursing homes to help the elders; I organize community events and I cleaned the environment. I wanted to give back!

Conncoll, unlike many other college, has its community engagement closely related to its history of establishment. The school would never thrive today without first days of the fundraising campaign. The college vision of 'reciprocation', therefore, accords to my life principle. I'm heading to Conncoll, believing that the college will give me more chances to translate my 'give back' desire into actions. Such a big-hearted environment as the Conncoll's will also make me more passionate and urge me to give more. Without doubt, Conncoll will be a great place for me to nurture my desire: my desire to contribute, my desire to give back!
hbrad8002   
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia? stunning level of involvement around the campus [4]

it's really short and to the point. I like it :)
yet you could have elaborated a bit more about you.
it's appealing but how that appeal relates to yourself,.. like 'I am the type of activity person. I believe I will fit in the rigorous schedule in Columbia blah blah.'

that's what I think
good luck
hbrad8002   
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'professors do their job' - Why Ohio State University? [5]

"I was not even considering OSU before I visited the campus"

wrong use of tense. it should be "I had never even considered OSU before I visited the campus'
anyway, this sounds like you look down on the school. I know you dont mean that, but it seems to give that impression..
hbrad8002   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / commonapp short answer (150 words) - basketball [6]

yea I know know that
'leave all my worries outside' sounds a bit weird
but i think 'leave behind' should only be used when one is leaving somewhere for somewhere
here i'm not leaving anywhere, i just enter the court, i leave eveything outside...

i dont know whether it's correct or not
hbrad8002   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / commonapp short answer (150 words) - basketball [6]

hi, this is my short answer

To me, basketball is an escape from my daily hectic routine. I always enter the court, leaving all my worries outside. I can be reminded of a term assignment due next week when I am playing guitar or watching movie. But I cannot be bothered when I'm laying up and shooting. Basketball is quick: It gives me no time to think. Basketball is simple: there is only one target -the net. And basketball is free: no paragraph structure, no step-by-step explanation; I can do whatever I want. When I play, I'm fully immersed in only one thought: I must win. I can see nothing but my teammates, the ball and narrow spaces. I can feel nothing except for the vigor of other players' motions. The Earth seems to stop rotating everytime I stand on the court. I take a deep breath and enjoy refreshing moments.

what do you guys think?
hbrad8002   
Oct 11, 2009
Undergraduate / the hardships caused by wars - my supplemental essay! [4]

the prompt is:
"Please respond in 2 or 3 paragraphs:
How will you contribute to the school's vitality?"

Growing up in Vietnam, a country which is characterized by wars, I am aware of the impact that wars had caused. My family was, in fact, a victim of war: My uncle sacrificed himself in bomb blast during a battle. Every time my family visited his tomb, it was always teardrops of mournfulness that I could see rolling down on my grandpa's and my parents' faces. I felt sorrowful.

It is thus always my wish to share my feelings of sympathy and compassion with people who are enduring the hardships caused by wars. At (school name), (state name), or anywhere else, I believe there are people whose relatives are still holding weapons in Iraq or Afghanistan, fighting for the cause of their nations. As (school name) puts significant emphasis on community engagement and social responsibility, I believe this will enable me to contribute my efforts in helping alleviate the pains and the difficulties that those people have to bear. I will actively participate in (school name)'s community work programs, which I see not only as a way to express my empathy and support towards the unfortunate families but also a way to express my gratitude to the soldiers who are struggling for the peace of this beautiful world.
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