Undergraduate / "I crave organization" - Application Essay Edits/ Suggestion [4]

Hey Everybody,
I'm new to this site, so I hope I am doing this all correctly! If not I would be truly grateful if someone could tell me a better way to go about this.

This is my essay that I plan on adapting from my original (ED to Columbia) to make it work for my common app and uc app. It was basically a free choice question so the prompt is relatively irrelevant. Hopefully the essay isnt terrible because I already submitted it to Columbia, but I would love any edits and suggestions you guys may have to improve it for the rest of my colleges.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your time!

I crave organization. I create schedules, organize meeting agendas, and revel in the joy of outlining. This sense of order and structure helps me feel secure that I have the ability to do well in a subject. I can apply the same technique to almost all subjects in school, from math formulas to biology outlines to English grammar; this skill has helped me excel in all areas, except for one: Art.

With the end of junior year rapidly approaching, I realized that if I wanted to actually graduate from high school and go to college, I would need to take one of our school's required art classes. I begged and pleaded with Ms. Sturgill, the head of the art department, to please make an exception for me and allow me to take AP Art History without the prerequisite studio art course. I just knew that I would never succeed at an art class. Art class would epitomize my challenges in spatial creativity, and force me to do poorly in a subject. As kindly as she could, Ms. Sturgil told me that she would not make an exception for me, and suggested that I sign up for Photography as it doesn't involve my nemesis-drawing. Thinking this was at least a partial solution to my problem, I did as she suggested, turned in my registration form, and left for summer vacation, with the peace of mind that at least I wouldn't have to paint, or worse, draw.

The phone call came the week before school was to start. The Head for Academics, Mallory Rome, informed me that she was unable to place me into Photography.

"Does this mean I can take AP Art History instead?"
"No, the only other option is Studio Art."
I was in shock. On the first day of school, I survived AP Biology and International Relations, both classes that would give a typical student more stress than art. I walked into art class for the first time, and Ms. Sturgill handed out a questionnaire. It was easy enough to fill out, until the last question: turn the paper over and draw a self-portrait without a mirror. The panic shot through me-this was exactly my fear. I drew to the best of my ability my own face, which came out looking more like a demented pumpkin. Rushing out of the room, close to tears, I realized that if every art project caused me this much anxiety, I probably wouldn't make it to October.

Luckily, through the careful guidance of Ms. Sturgill, I am finally able to understand how to start drawing successfully and stress-free. I need to make the effort to switch to the right side of my brain, which governs the spatial creativity that art requires, instead of relying only on the left part of my brain that uses logic and verbal creativity to process information. This switch does not come easily for me. I am realizing, though, that through exercising my brain to make this switch, I am opening up the possibilities for my art far beyond anything solely black and white, with clear success and failure. My initial fears about my spatial awareness have all but evaporated, and I can now draw shapes that fit together with a meaning. Through much trial and error, I will continue to develop my art and my understanding that drawing is putting on paper what my eyes are seeing and not what my brain is thinking.

Thanks again!

Undergraduate / "I am not talentless" - UC Application- Prompt 2 [3]

Please read and revise! Its due tomorrow so anything would be appreciated! I am applying to UCLA.

Its for the UC Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

They say it's in my blood, its genetic, something I was born with - in other words a natural talent. For many years, I struggled with the opinion that I was untalented. Everyone else I knew had something special to be proud of - a good voice, natural athleticism, genius brains. I had none of these qualities. Until high school, I truly believed that I was an untalented anomaly - my talent was in being untalented.

When I entered high school, I continued ...

Thanks so much!

Undergraduate / "I want to raise a healthy, happy family." - UC Application- Prompt 2 [4]

I have received amazing edits on all my other essays I've posted here so I'm hoping for the same with this one! This is a pretty rough draft, I wrote it between the hours of 1 and 2 am (not ideal I know...)

Its for the UC prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

It's a Saturday afternoon in the Edelman household, yet it sounds more like a football game. There are at least fifteen kids of many ages running around the house, playing board games, talking, laughing or eating. To the outsider it must seem strange- there are also four adults sitting in the living room, calmly talking as chaos ensues around them. Yet to the insider, it is completely normal.

My family is large...

Thanks!

Undergraduate / Small school community - How were you made aware of Barnard College? [3]

Hey Guys,

If you could edit this that would be great! Its the first of four questions for the Barnard supplement.

The question is: How were you made aware of Barnard College? How do you feel Barnard College can help you achieve your personal and educational goals?

With a 1000 character limit.
Thanks in advance!

My mother always spoke about her college years as the best time of her life, and she always credited Barnard with having given her the opportunities to make them so. When I began to look at college's junior year, the first that came to mind was Barnard. I wanted to see for myself the school that my mother spoke so highly of. I visited, and was instantly enamored. The community vibe, stellar academics, and outstanding location all appeal to what I am looking for in a college. As someone who enjoys being involved in a plethora of diverse activities, the small school community really speaks to me. I love that I can take advantage of the many opportunities Barnard offers to create my own college experience. Barnard's wide array of liberal arts classes, appeals to me, because although I don't yet know what I want to major in, I am looking forward to trying many different classes before making a decision. I want to graduate as a well rounded, well educated person, and I can become that person through attending Barnard for college.

Undergraduate / Barnard Supplement- Government Representitive [3]

Hey!

This is the second of four Barnard essays I have to write. I'm not really sure how I feel about it so edits are really appreciated. I hope everyone is having a great holiday season!

Thanks

The question is: If you had a full hour to meet with a government representative or community leader, what one issue or concern would you raise and why? Characters available 1000

(Its slightly too long at the moment)

In his confirmation hearings to the US Senate, Arne Duncan, the US secretary of education said that education is "the most pressing issue facing America," adding that "Education is...the only sure path out of poverty and the only way to achieve a more equal and just society." Although I appreciated his sentiments, I had never truly understood the meaning and importance of his words until I realized that I tutor kids affected by exactly this problem. The Village Project is an organization devoted to helping children from the poorer neighborhoods in San Francisco through tutoring and other experiential educational activities. Since my freshman year of high school, I have tutored many of the kids from the village project twice a week after school. The kids I tutor are not only incredibly dedicated, but they are also very bright. Unfortunately they don't receive the same opportunities as I do to obtain a great education, and a very small minority, if any will attend college. These kids are set up to continue in their parents footsteps, living in poverty and working as many odd jobs as they can just to scrape through. If I could spend an hour with a government representative, I would raise the issue of education for the poor. I would work with the representative to help create a comprehensive program to combat the failures of the current education system. Through hard work and careful monitoring, we could institute a system in which even children living in poverty could have the opportunity to go to college, to reach their full potentials. Creating such a program would help raise the lower classes out of poverty and into a more equal society.

Undergraduate / I'm a charismatic leader who loves school,BU Supplement- 3 words to describe you [9]

Hey,

I am really not happy with this essay, so any edits and suggestions are very greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community. Characters available 4000

Often, I spend more time at school than I do at home. This is not because I dislike my home, but because I take my responsibilities to my school very seriously. As an Executive on the student council, many times I arrive before school starts to set up for events or activities. Frequently I stay at school after nightfall, planning, creating, and promoting different student initiatives. I love what I do and certainly do not regret giving back to JCHS, a school that has provided me with such amazing opportunities to develop as a person.

I would describe myself as a "leader;" it is my passion and my talent. I am "inquisitive;" I love the quest for new information and knowledge. I am "charismatic;" interacting with people is one of my greatest joys. I believe that these three aspects of my character will contribute a great deal to the BU community.

Growing up, the qualities necessary for successful leadership were always considered of the highest importance in my family. Both of my parents are involved in numerous leadership positions in our community. They taught me about the qualities of hard work, dedication, and vision. My parents embody these qualities and serve as mentors for my own leadership development. I have held many of my own leadership positions in my youth group, my school, and my gymnastics team. My leadership skills would help me contribute to the BU community. I love to be involved and would do so in the many activities BU has to offer. I will offer to take a leadership role in whatever organization I join, helping to make sure that the group reaches its full potential. I realize that leadership cannot fully be developed overnight but is a continually developing skill. I plan to continue to develop my leadership at BU - both for my own growth and as a way to positively impact the BU community.

I have been told I am charismatic. I greatly value the insights and opinions of others; drawing people together is something that I enjoy and that comes easily to me. As an elected leader at both my school and in my youth group, I have been effective in reaching out and engaging a wide variety of kids and teachers in fun activities and positive social action. I would bring this quality to BU as an open-minded person who is excited to meet everybody and eager to use my skills to make things happen.

I am inquisitive and love the academic challenge of school. Just as when I am skiing and I try to find the untouched patches of snow where no one has gone before me, I enjoy delving into new terrain when I am learning. Gaining new knowledge and information stimulates me and motivates me to learn more. I continue discussions started in class once we leave the classroom, either with fellow students or with the teacher. I would bring this thirst for knowledge to the BU classroom, providing new perspectives and deepening the level of learning.

BU presents an exciting new opportunity for me. To best capitalize on this opportunity, I would employ the characteristics of leadership, inquisitiveness, and charisma to create the best possible experience for me and those around me. If we all bring our best to the fore, I know that my class at BU will be cohesive, interesting, and exciting.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Saturday Afternoon [9]

Hey!

I originally used this essay as my UC essay 1, but my college advisor suggested I use it for my common app essay as well. On that note, any suggestions/ edits would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

It's a Saturday afternoon in the Edelman household, yet it sounds more like a football game. There are at least fifteen kids of many ages running around the house, playing board games, talking, laughing or eating. To the outsider it must seem strange - there are also four adults sitting in the living room, calmly talking as chaos ensues around them. Yet, to the insider, it is completely normal.

My family is large to begin with - I am the eldest of five children. What sets my family apart, though, is the way it has been extended to so many others in our community. My siblings and I all bring home at least two friends after synagogue on Saturday, and many times kids come on their own accord. My parents don't set the table in advance because they never quite know how many people will be eating until they count up, and everyone helps set up for lunch. Lunch is a spirited affair; often times it is necessary to yell to be heard above the incessant chatter and loud laughter, but it is all part of the experience of being with my family.

The observance of Saturday Shabbat is a break from the monotony of the work week and is a valued Jewish practice. It allows us to maintain a balance between the secular and religious, the professional and the personal. This ability to balance is a quality that both my parents exhibit. My father works long hours as the Chief Investment Officer of his firm; he wakes up every morning at four, and comes home at six in the evening to his family. My mother not only juggles driving five kids to different activities every day, but is also the president of the board of directors of the elementary and middle school that my siblings attend. They are busy adults. Then, after a long week of work, they welcome into our home at least fifteen kids, ten of whom are not their own, and provide them with lunch, snacks, games, and more. They do all of this without complaint, and have succeeded in raising five children who are all healthy and happy.

This sense of balance, the ability to take seemingly opposite forces - secular and religious, professional and personal - and mesh them together into a cohesive unit is something that I admire and I will continue to work hard to achieve. I have many goals for my secular life: I want to receive a stellar college education, work hard and go to graduate school, and succeed there and enter into the professional world, doing something I enjoy, something that challenges me, something rewarding. But I need to remember to keep the rest of my life in balance as well. I want to raise a healthy, happy family. One day, I hope my house will be as loud, boisterous, and full as my parent's house is on a Saturday afternoon.

Undergraduate / History: NYU and Brown anticipated majors [4]

Hey,

I had to write to different anticipated major pieces. If you could look over them and give me some edits/ suggestions that would be great. Thanks!

NYU (500 char)- 497 at the moment

My favorite class of my high school career was AP US History. I loved not only the challenge of the work, but also the material we learned. I had never really appreciated history before, but APUSH was different, for the first time history came alive for me. I would like to continue studying history. When I graduate college, I plan to use my knowledge in history to help me practice law; I believe that understanding the past is essential toward understanding and analyzing the laws and of today.

Brown (1000 char)- 1,155 at the moment

My favorite class of my entire high school career was AP US History (APUSH). I loved not only the challenge of the work, but also the material we learned. I had never really appreciated history before APUSH, I associated it with my brother grilling me on past presidents at the dinner table or a dull professor pontificating for hours on the bills passed in 1892. But APUSH was different, for the first time history came alive for me. I read my textbook as if it was a novel, interested in every detail, in the people that inhabited America before I did. I would like to continue studying history, with a focus on the United States. With a concentration in US history, I can delve even deeper into the richness and intrigue of history. I make connections between what happened in the past and how it informs the present and the future. When I graduate college, I plan to use my knowledge in history to help me practice law; I believe that understanding the past is essential toward understanding and analyzing the laws and society of today. Thus, studying history will be both intellectually stimulating for me and an ideal background for practicing law.

Thanks again!

Undergraduate / Snow, Sand, and Sunshine: A Collection of Essays: Page 217 of a 300 page biography [4]

This is for my Penn supplement. Can you comment about whether you think the approach is ok? Do you think the difference between the two chapters is too stark? Plus any other edits and suggestions that you have. Thanks!

Snow, Sand, and Sunshine: A Collection of Essays

Standing at the top of the hill, I had to make a choice. Do I gain as much momentum as possible thus giving me airtime off the jump, or do I slow myself down and ski down instead with no air? In a split second decision, spurred by adrenaline, and probably the high altitude, I decide to go for it. On one side, rocks were poking out of the snow, Alta didn't have quite enough snow yet, on the other side, a black forest of trees loomed over me. There was one path, straight down the middle, and at the end a rock covered in snow that I was supposed to fly off of. Thoughts of everything that could go wrong zoomed through my head at the speed of my skis, I was about to give up when I realized that I wasn't on solid ground anymore. The anxiety rushed away and I was left feeling the thrill of hurtling through the air. My skis hit the ground and I went off like a bullet, too much momentum to come to a complete stop. When I finally came to a stop, I was completely out of breath but I felt a strange sense of satisfaction, one that only comes from pushing myself. It was the feeling I used to get when I would try a hard skill in gymnastics, a mixture of an adrenaline rush and the satisfaction of completion.

EDIT:

Chapter LV
A day in the Life

7:00, the alarm clock is blaring the static sound symbolizing that it is in between stations. Running up three flights of stairs from the basement, my mother bursts into the room and starts pushing buttons on the clock. Finally finding the right button, the alarm shuts off and she looks around the room. To her astonishment, both girls are sleeping soundly, undisturbed by the glaring sound of the alarm. In the adjoining room the third girl is sleeping as well, catching the last few minutes of sleep before starting the day.

While I cannot personally attest to the truth of this story, as I am the third girl, who where we last left is still asleep in her bed, my mother never fails to tell me about this daily situation. This is how a day starts in my house every week day, yet somehow we still have not figured out a better method. After numerous wakeup calls from my mother, all three girls are finally awake by the time the carpool comes at 7:30. We all head off to school, parting ways until later in the afternoon.

I walk into my house after school and take in everything going on around me. My parents are making dinner, my youngest brother is playing Wii, one sister is having an impromptu dance party complete with blaring music, my other sister is attempting to do homework while loudly trying to get everyone to be quiet, and my other brother is practicing soccer, kicking the ball repeatedly at the garage door. This is a typical afternoon at the Edelman household. Unfortunately though a warm and inclusive environment, my house is not very conducive to successful homework completion. Thus I have developed a routine, I walk in, say hello to my parents, organize my nightly homework load and walk right back out of the house. I head to the local coffee shop down the street from my house, get my "regular" and sit down at my favorite table. Incredibly, the coffee shop is actually quieter than my house, and I am much more productive away from the noise and distraction of my family. I can work for hours at a time at the coffee shop, completing all of my homework and then walk back up the street and rejoin my family for a spirited dinner.

Chapter LI
The Edelmans go Skiing

Every year during winter break, my family takes a break from the monotony of everyday life and heads off to Alta, Utah to go skiing. The skiing is fabulous, and allows us all to get some exercise while pushing ourselves to our physical and mental limits. My favorite part of skiing is cliff jumping, and my best memories from ski trips of years past are of the thrilling sensation of flying through the air on my skis. On this particular ski trip I saw from a chair lift a particularly tantalizing rock. I forced my parents to come with me, as I found the location of the rock and prepared to jump. On one side, rocks were poking out of the snow, Alta didn't have quite enough snow yet, on the other side, a black forest of trees loomed over me. There was one path, straight down the middle, and at the end a rock covered in snow that I was supposed to fly off of. Thoughts of everything that could go wrong zoomed through my head at the speed of my skis, I was about to give up when I realized that I wasn't on solid ground anymore...

Undergraduate / Poem, New Yorker, and Movie - NYU supplement [4]

I had such a hard time with this application, so I am happy to even have something down on paper. That said, I am not sure if these are at all ok or what they are looking for. Please be harsh- I need it! Thanks

Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you. Characters available 500

The chill of the coffee trickles down
my throat
through to the rest of my body.
The warmth of the brown
reminds me of what I wrote
as I try to create my own melody.

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.) Characters available 500

Some of my best childhood memories stem from the evenings when, sitting on the couch with my family, we would watch the likes of You've Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle. To spend a day in New York with Nora Ephron would be an incredible experience. After a walk along the Upper West Side, we would head to Café Lalo for brunch. Conversation would range across a multitude of subjects from politics to men-there is so much to learn from Nora Ephron that we would have to meet up again and again.

In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line. Characters available 500

"Snow, Sand, and Sunshine", stars a woman in her thirties, struggling to maintain the balance of her family life and successful career as a lawyer. Following Michal through the ups and downs of life, the movie creates a story that all families can connect with. When she represents a woman going through divorce, Michal begins to appreciate her own life. At times both funny and sad, a realistic story is painted through the lens of a thirty year old mother.

Undergraduate / Page 217 of a 300 page autobiography- Scrapbook [3]

So my mom and college advisor thought I should redo my autobiography because they both thought it was just blah before. So I rewrote it. I'm afraid though that its too dull and or cliche. Please comment, I will happily return the favor.

Thanks

Sifting through the pictures with my daughter, I caught myself beginning to wax poetic about the "good old days". I sense that she was becoming bored, but I could not contain the mixed emotions of nostalgia, delight, and sadness that came with each new photograph. As it turned out, putting together this scrapbook was much more emotionally draining than I had originally anticipated. Every year I pledged to do something with the plethora of pictures cluttering our house, yet until now it had always been another fruitless resolution, one that I never followed through with. The upcoming family reunion seemed like the perfect motivation to finally put together this scrapbook.

There were pictures of my childhood. Posed class pictures that never quite came out the way they should. Family shots of the five kids smiling through gritted teeth, wishing our mother would stop taking so many pictures. There were pictures of me with my friends from over various years and in various stages of adolescence, from adorable pre-school poses to the awkward ones from middle school. The high school years were well represented, spurred along by the addiction to facebook. The next section began with my college years. Pictures of my parents dropping me off at the airport, me with my first roommate in our dorm room, and a well documented collection of shots from the various activities I participated in. As the generic freshman year shots came to a close, the photos became more personal. There was my college graduation, bringing to a close the amazing four year journey of college. I felt as if I was reliving the entire experience through the photos I was sorting. Consistent throughout were the family pictures taken at gatherings, vacations, and celebrations. They were the one constant throughout the piles and piles of pictures to sort through, something to anchor the rest of my extensive collection.

After the college pictures came the next set, me in my twenties looking carefree and happy. It was the era that I met my husband and there are many adorable pictures of us. My graduate school graduation is in there too. Then there is my wedding, including some beautiful pictures. The birth of our first daughter and the pictures of her could be a collection in it of themselves-- we were proud parents of our first child, we couldn't help but document everything! There were the subsequent albums worth of pictures of the births of our next three children, various pictures of their childhoods, our own collection of family shots, pictures of me in my business suit as a lawyer and of my husband in a suit as well at his office. I finally started creating scrapbook pages, documenting the chapters of my life on creatively arranged pages.

Three weeks later, when I stepped off the plane at the San Francisco airport, with my husband and four children, I had the completed scrapbook safely packed in my carry on. Every year I am surprised by the same thing at family reunions and gatherings-no matter how much time passes, everyone stays the same. Though we all look different (age does do that, unfortunately), the personalities stay the same from year to year. When we pull up to the driveway at my parent's house, I can see that there is already a fiercely competitive game of basketball under way. Not surprisingly, my brothers are on opposite teams going head to head in a never ending battle, give them back their younger bodies and this could be a scene out of 2005 or 2015 or 2020, it just never changes. We walk inside, though now in their late seventies, my parents will not allow anyone else to do the cooking, and thus are slaving away in the kitchen, cooking up a storm for all thirty of us. Music is blasting from the computer, and like mother like daughter, my sisters daughter is leading a dance party for most of the girl cousins. My own daughter...