linmark
Jul 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / Memory from the past can always give people more specific guide in the present - SAT [6]
Hey Laura,
Suggestion: work on your opening and closing sentences. These are what make (or break) the essay. For instance, your first sentence does not support the second, nor the third. I would also steer clear of using the "one" pronoun.
"win the life" does not make any sense - do you mean succeed in life?
The luxuries Money for paying the health insurance was totally unattainable for this low-incoming family. Facing his father sick and poor, with no health insurance, Howard could never forget facing his sick and poor father with no health insurance. The shadow of his childhood didn't even stopslow down his pace from becoming the CEO of Starbucks.
This was a horrible memory for this little kid. At the age of 10, Iqbal escaped from the carpet factory and was freed by a member of the International Labor Constitution.
TRY TO AVOID USING ABSOLUTES LIKE "always."
Spend more time on the closing sentences. It is hard to generalize from just the two examples you provided. Overcoming adversity is not directly attributed to memory. What I mean to say is that succeeding in life requires more than just memories. What comes to my mind is that people who do not succeed to overcome a bad past (and the resultant bad memories) have less chance of succeeding than those who DO (forget the bad past and learn from their mistakes.)
Hey Laura,
Suggestion: work on your opening and closing sentences. These are what make (or break) the essay. For instance, your first sentence does not support the second, nor the third. I would also steer clear of using the "one" pronoun.
In one's effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present, memories are playing parts in are essential for helping people to win the life.
"win the life" does not make any sense - do you mean succeed in life?
He went around the world giving outspeeches;
From the experience of Howard Schultz and Iqbal Masih, we can clearly see that these memories don't hinder them rather thanbut have the reverse effect to help them triumph in the present. In short, memories, no matter good or bad, can always give people hope and assist people to win.
TRY TO AVOID USING ABSOLUTES LIKE "always."
Spend more time on the closing sentences. It is hard to generalize from just the two examples you provided. Overcoming adversity is not directly attributed to memory. What I mean to say is that succeeding in life requires more than just memories. What comes to my mind is that people who do not succeed to overcome a bad past (and the resultant bad memories) have less chance of succeeding than those who DO (forget the bad past and learn from their mistakes.)