yang
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]
Joey, a twenty-four year old man diagnosed with blabla
use disorders, it's more scientific
and you really don't have to mention the 10 years
taking care of Joey required
make these past.
wheelchair, and needed
no need to mention this, you already talked enough about his problems
that's your whole point?
i admire your persistence and your relentless effort to create a better essay, but it seems that every time, you talk less and less about yourself.
this essay has to be YOU!!!! all we learn from what you wrote is that the person you helped was very handicapped. and it randomly ends with the person being joyful. and finally, this is your lesson.
you absolutely have to make this about you.
i'd suggest you keeping the combination of the first and second paragraphs (i covered this above), the reader gets that Joey needs a lot of help since you mentioned a lot of disorders
now, use the rest of your essay to talk about how this entire experience, and your helping Joey influenced you. what did you learn from this experience? patience? sympathy? kindness?
talk about more down to earth lessons instead of a vague statement of joy.
one of them, Joey.
For two weeks, I worked one on one with Joey, who has been going to PYC for 10 years and is 24 years old. Joey has been diagnosed with Down syndrome, Cerebral palsy, and multiple other difficulties.
For two weeks, I worked one on one with Joey, who has been going to PYC for 10 years and is 24 years old. Joey has been diagnosed with Down syndrome, Cerebral palsy, and multiple other difficulties.
Joey, a twenty-four year old man diagnosed with blabla
use disorders, it's more scientific
and you really don't have to mention the 10 years
Joey was a lot of work.
taking care of Joey required
His mobility is very limited; he spends most of his time in a wheelchair. He needs help getting dressed, cutting his food, and even going to the bathroom.
make these past.
wheelchair, and needed
Joey can't say much besides "Need to go to the bafroom".
no need to mention this, you already talked enough about his problems
Yet Joey had compassion for others. He was always joyful. Everyday Joey reminds me how others deserve to be treated, and how to enjoy life.
that's your whole point?
i admire your persistence and your relentless effort to create a better essay, but it seems that every time, you talk less and less about yourself.
this essay has to be YOU!!!! all we learn from what you wrote is that the person you helped was very handicapped. and it randomly ends with the person being joyful. and finally, this is your lesson.
you absolutely have to make this about you.
i'd suggest you keeping the combination of the first and second paragraphs (i covered this above), the reader gets that Joey needs a lot of help since you mentioned a lot of disorders
now, use the rest of your essay to talk about how this entire experience, and your helping Joey influenced you. what did you learn from this experience? patience? sympathy? kindness?
talk about more down to earth lessons instead of a vague statement of joy.