Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement "To. Future Roommate" (a roommate tutoring service) [6]

The letter format is WAY overdone. It is not original, soo you should do it in a more original way if you want to make a good impression

Undergraduate / I disliked pre-school; Tufts Supplement - Let your life speak [7]

.... WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING THIS

Undergraduate / Homeschooling and Autistic Brother - prompt 2 [4]

contributors should note that UC deadline was november 30th...soo its a waste of time to go through any now.

Undergraduate / a learning equilibrist, Many Interests TUFTS 50 words [5]

wow i really like yours. it really shows your personality and shows how youre different- good job :)

Undergraduate / a learning equilibrist, Many Interests TUFTS 50 words [5]

PLEASE HELP ILL RETURN THE FAVOR!!!

Undergraduate / Political Science Dept/ Study Abroad Why Tufts (50 words) [7]

WHICH IS BETTER? THANKS

Being a student of many interests, I am compelled by Tuft's emphasis on crossing traditional disciplinary boundaries. I plan to flourish in the strong Political Science department and I know that Tuft's will give me a solid liberal arts background and prepare me well for law school.

Also, I would like to study abroad in France in my Junior year, and I am intrigued by Tuft's excellent Study-In-Paris Program; I can't wait to immerse myself in French culture and language.

OR
I am a learning equilibrist. I cannot sacrifice what I want to know for simply what I need to know, and because of this I will flourish in the liberty of academic exploration and interdisciplinary studies offered at Tufts. My avid interests in science, law and math could only be satiated by a school who places so much emphasis on a well rounded education. In addition, I am drawn to Tufts because of it's wonderful Study-In-Paris Program, an opportunity for me to continue my studies of French language and immerse myself in the culture.

Undergraduate / Political Science Dept/ Study Abroad Why Tufts (50 words) [7]

New Version advice please? I'll return the favor :) :) :)

I am a learning equilibrist. I have never been able to sacrifice what I want to know for simply what I need to know, and because of this I will flourish in the liberty of academic exploration and interdisciplinary studies offered at Tufts. Tufts is the perfect place for me to pursue my interest of becoming a lawyer while letting me continue my studies of science and math. Also, I would like to study abroad in France in my Junior year, and I am intrigued by Tuft's excellent Study-In-Paris Program; I can't wait to immerse myself in French culture and language.

Student Talk / Payment Question (it doesn't show up on the Common App site yet) [21]

okay i did that... but its okay if the payment doesnt show up to them until after the first then? (it let me submit)

Student Talk / Payment Question (it doesn't show up on the Common App site yet) [21]

Want to submit my application, but I haven't submitted the payment??

it wont let me submit my stanford application because it says i havent submitted the payment, but i did! what do i do??? thanks :)

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

how do i change that sentence then ? thanks

Grammar, Usage / 'we were able to come together to form a mock government' - Two Funky / Awkward sentences [7]

what? I speak English as a first language...

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

Okay thanks- wait what contradictions though? The first word is I...

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

thanks for the advice... yeah im at the limit for characters right now soo i need to chop down if anything

I really need help with the 2nd paragraph/ this sentence in particular:

"I realized here that while we may not have much political influence individually, we are able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice"

Undergraduate / Medical School Cornell Essay- intellectual interests and their evolution [5]

where are your corrections..?

Undergraduate / 'Back to Adam' - Vassar Supplement: Walking Backwards [12]

hmm well i think you dont have to take out the Adam story but i think it is much too long seeing as it doesnt exactly relate (and you can convey is quirkyness in much less words)... also i would add about what youre interested in at the end :)

Undergraduate / I'm an older brother; Tufts - Let Your Life Speak [4]

Since the age of five, my parents bombarded me with extra-circular activities: boy scouts, swimming, badminton lessons, English, Maths, Chinese tuition - they dedicated a large portion of their time to ensure that I had a broad range of opportunities. Three years later, my sister was born -- a pre-mature four-pound infant. Visitors were not allowed for two weeks, when they were she attracted everyone's attention, my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins...

is english not your first language? because this is not formal writing... you cant have ellipses or do double dashes. These are almost complete sentences but not quite. And, you need to focus the first paragraph more: how does your sister have to do with opportunities?

second two paragraphs are really good and i like the overall essay.. GOOD JOB :)

please check mine out, its called youth and government intellectual vitality PLEASE HELP

Undergraduate / Common app essay : embarrasing time (Do I answer the prompt? feedback) crit back [15]

#1 is HILARIOUS... i wanna meet you! /dont change it

Before the Supreme Court cases test, for example, I went online and listened to the majority opinions at Oyez. N.Y.U.'s political science undergraduate program can help me satiate these needs

-not a good sentence: doesn't make sense and don't say satiate again

decided to get a job because "I'm bored at home", she said.
-awkward... dont say she said

good job!! i think you have a good shot

could you please look at mine? its short and im submitting tonight! its called:
youth and government intellectual vitality PLEASE HELP

Undergraduate / 'Back to Adam' - Vassar Supplement: Walking Backwards [12]

woah- do not submit this.

I can tell that you are a skilled writer, HOWEVER you really aren't answering the prompt.
First of all, how did you learn about Vassar?
And, besides for a couple things you saw on the tour, what aspects of our college do you find appealing?

the story about Adam has nothing to do with what theyre asking... they want to know why vassar- what stands out to you about it and what will you pursue there, not the details of the tour

i would love if you commented on mine because you are such a good writer :)
its called: youth and government intellectual vitality PLEASE HELP

Undergraduate / Poem, New Yorker, and Movie - NYU supplement [4]

I think that you should rewrite the haiku: it really doesnt say enough about you

I like the second one, just one thing though:
that we would have to meet up again and again.
-sounds wierd: say "we would have to schedule another meeting"

family, life, and successful career as a lawyer. (add commas)
-life is all of those things though...

can you please look at mine? its called youth and government intellectual vitality.. THANKS!

Undergraduate / Tufts Self-Identity Supplement. What voice will you add to the class of 2014? [6]

dont shorten it the number of words isnt important, just the character limit :)

good job.. i like it a LOT

- I was a huge geek. ( it should be I am)
-actually, you could cut this out: "But trust me, it gets much worse"- its informal/doesnt add anything
-Many of my quirky interests foreign to my friends spring from the fact that I simply love discovering and experiencing new things.
this sentence is awkward, i would try rewording :)

could you look at mine please? its called: youth and government intellectual vitality PLEASE HELP

Undergraduate / Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Personal Expression [5]

I like the idea, and overall it creates a good impression

i think that you should go for something different as the intro:
- While black is certainly slimming, I can't say it's the most exciting color to wear. As an artist, I probably shouldn't even be calling it a color. I prefer the color of the ocean, or that of the paintings hanging on my walls.

-it's kind of random- doesnt say anything about you, so just go into talking about how youre colorful!
-add more about your personality

hope i helped!!!

could you pretty please look at mine? its short (youth and government intellectual vitality PLEASE HELP)

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

Haha awesome

thanks for the advice/good luck to you :)

I can only add about a sentence.. so I need something like this:

At Stanford, I will bring this hands on experience and an eagerness to continue studying law and growing as a leader.

-it sounds bad right now: how should i phrase the fact that ill bring the skills along to stanford?

Undergraduate / A HAPPY ESSAY =) (my unique common app essay) [16]

aww this is a really cute essays- what schools are you using it for? I think it's really original and well written as well.

some thoughts-
this quote:
"I feel like I failed a Pre-Calculus test that practically determines my whole semester grade! I feel like I'm not going to college."

-take out the "i feels"-it just muddles the meaning

After that successful outcome, every time I saw a person cry in the hallways over a test or a sour relationship, I drew them a happy picture (a smiley face, a cartoon, a Christmas tree, even Pokemon!) and wrote my message to "Be Happy" on a piece of paper, a tissue, a folder, their hand, someone's paper lunch bag, even on an apple once!

-WAY too long of a sentence. revise/make into multiple sentences

So far, I always got what I want - their smiles and even laughter.
-wrong verb tense

the last sentence, write out smile rather than the symbol

good job!

can you help with my last thread please? its called youth and government for stanford

Undergraduate / Medical School Cornell Essay- intellectual interests and their evolution [5]

Overall, I really like it :)
I found some sentences I thought are awkward/could be improved:

My response had been so sure compared to my peers' colorful responses that my kindergarten teacher laughed and told the other parents there for Career Day that I seemed ready for medical school already

-run on, and "so sure" sounds odd... i would restructure this

Medicine has been my aspiration since childhood.
-medicine cant really be an aspiration... say "I've aspired to have a career in the medical field since I was a child" or something like that

Doctors are an important part of society and I want to be able to make a difference in people's lives
-boring sentence/doesn't add anything

The fact that a doctor's life is a continuously learning experience also appeals to me
-is a constant learning experience?

i think you could strengthen the last paragraph by taking out some general stuff about doctors and talking about you and why youre interested in cornell's medical program

hope that helped!

please if you have time take a look at my last thread.. i need help with these two awkward sentences. it would be greatly appreciated!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement event or experience [10]

WOW! I've read a lot of essays on this website, and this is definitely my favorite. It is really, really good.
Only thing is, it has a weak intro with no hook:
The first three classes of the day had finished and it had become time for me to move on to the fourth, art. It was the second semester of my sophomore year, and I was finishing up my sixth "masterpiece". As usual my art teacher meandered up to my table of free expression to comment on my finished production.

-reading this, im not excited for the rest of the piece (and its really not as good as the rest of it)..
i would go straight in with something grabbing- maybe describe you painting and then bam the teachers there to make the same comment
-great job!

also, could you help edit these two sentences im having trouble with? thanks

Undergraduate / BUSINESS IS MY PASSION; Carnegie Mellon/ Why major? [12]

...You're seriously applying to over twenty colleges? How do you have time for that??

-don't use the word PASSION. Colleges hate it- everyone is passionate, find a new word

As for my interest in business, it was sparked at quite an early age.
-this sentence is awkward, i would consider revising

I know that by attending Carnegie Mellon (take out THAT) I will receive the tools that I need to sculpt my life from a block of clay into the gleaming statue of my goals.

-concluding sentence is a tad cheesy

overall, very good job! cute story/good answering the prompt (but it doesnt ask for your list of schools btw...)

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

PLEASE HELP WITH THE SECOND PARAGRAPH...PLEASE!!!

Getting up everyday and looking through the San Francisco Chronicle I am reminded of the fact that I not legally able to vote on any of the daily controversial issues about which I often have strong opinions. I tried to compensate for this fact through my many different leadership roles throughout the community, but I still didn't feel as if I was contributing to the political world. This feeling of being inert in the world beyond my small community led me to my discovery of the Youth and Government program at the YMCA. I was excited at the prospect of gaining a new outlet for my political beliefs and a way to be an active citizen despite my age. Within my delegation, I was an influential participant in our discussions over legislation and I ultimately constructed one of our final two bills regarding Campaign Finance Reform.

At our first conference in November, I was immersed in an atmosphere with thousands of kids from all over our California who share my political enthusiasm. Through engaging discussions, debates and role playing as government officials, I was able to use my knowledge of the Constitution in conjunction with my public speaking and leadership skills to speak about important issues. The 2500 kids in the program may be merely teenagers, but we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice. The rewarding feeling I got from my hands on experience learning about the fundamentals of California's government encouraged me to delve further into the program and my interest in law by applying for one of nine spots as an Attorney within the Judicial Review program. From working as a delegation constructing legislation to working as a state in Sacramento as a fully functioning youth government, being a part of Youth and Government has been both a thrilling and rewarding experience.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

do you think this is good enough to submit? please help

Undergraduate / I'm actually really excited to meet you; Stanford Roommate Essay [11]

Your roommate won't being reading your essay even if you get in...

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

FAMILY/HOUSE STANFORD HELP PLEASE!!

I'm a Taurus. Determined, loyal, and stubborn. Yet, while these things are central to my personality, what is most revealing to who I am is my surroundings, as I live by the mantra that my home is my castle. For me, my house provides me with comfort, inspiration, and from my family, a substantial feeling of security and warmth. Everything about my home is quite eccentric; I live in a cute, hundred year old bungalow with a loud Irish family and bad acoustics. I have grown up with an immense amount of freedom and encouragement to express myself. On an average school night, I'll often find myself in a dramatic engagement at the piano wrapped up in music from the Phantom of the Opera or singing "Defying Gravity" at the top of my lungs while teaching my brother the art of Irish Step Dancing.

While I have a distinct role within my family's bungalow, my room is more reflective of myself. I have a lovely seaside Parisian room, comprised of an array of antiques and art I've collected over the years. My room may be very busy, but it is meticulously organized just like myself so I maintain a sense of control. On a rainy day, my room becomes a haven for watching episodes of The Office and sipping warm cups of Earl Grey tea with honey. Yet, as the seasons change, it remains a secret recluse, adorned with flowers and often streaming with music by Coldplay. Whether I'm reading, painting or relaxing I find that I'm always at peace in my room. It will be a struggle to move from the place that is so much of who I am, but I am excited at the thought of acclimating myself to a new castle, even if it may be just a dorm room.

Undergraduate / Kid Cudi Stanford Favorite Books/etc. [4]

thanks for the advice.. but it says 2 lines or less so i thought i couldnt explain any of that stuff- is it okay to go over 2 lines?

Undergraduate / The unexamined life is unworth living- Stanford [5]

im actually using the other essay i wrote for this one (i am unable to vote...) but thanks anyhow

Undergraduate / Not a Typical Upbringing...Tufts Community Essay [5]

is it okay if its 320 words, 1715 characters? it says 200 words/2000 characters on the commonapp... so i dont know which to follow, word count or character count