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Posts by fznfire
Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Last Post: Dec 6, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 32  

From: Nepal

Displayed posts: 33
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fznfire   
Dec 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "Overcoming Boundaries" - Florida State Vires, Artes, Mores [4]

It has been said that diamonds and gold are precious; indeed, they are. But, there is something in life that is more precious then diamonds and gold, and that is love.

These are good sentences badly placed. Perhaps either you should omit it or make it the beginning of the paragraph.

As I make made my way through high school, I encounter encountered countless barriers ...

I barely passpassed my assignments throughout the first quarter.
While rechecking look at the tense. You often shift to present tense when they should have been past

in my life;Because

There should be a full stop instead.
fznfire   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "My own musical talent, band is.." - CommonApp Short Answer [2]

This essay should be a compact essay- that is always a thing to be kept in mind.
It's too much early in the morning to be awake - and much less at school . Many students aren't even awake six-thirty, even on weekdays [Unnecessary detail ]. And yet here I was, sitting on the floor in the band hall, pulling out a roll sheet and putting together my clarinet. I had two hours of practice and twelve hours of traveling before me, school, and then twelve hours of travelling and performing with the band leaving for a performance with the band . It was bound to be a long, exhausting, and stressful day - and I [would love]/[loved]?? every minute of it. Of course, the hours spent out on the field [would be]?? over in a few months, but then a new kind of band [would]?? start. Instead of working with my fellow section leaders to improve the band as a whole, I [would]?? be practicing to improve my own musical talent.

You are talking of this like a future possibility in the later part of the paragraph while relating the story in the future. So you should perhaps rewrite it.
fznfire   
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "My high school English teacher, Influencial Person" - UT Prompt A [3]

In the first sentence the use of After all sounds somewhat awkward.

However, if I am to chose the most influential, it would, without any doubt, be Susan. My life has changed a great deal since I have met her, firstly imperceptibly but later irretrievably.

Second paragraph- the following is a sort of run on sentence:
However, haven't been aware of that for months.

The last sentence of second paragraph could be written as:
However I did not know that was soon going to change.

This sentence could be replaced by something better
I should not have disliked her

I wonder how the attitude, which I once hated the most, has become the thing I want to follow.[You should find better]
fznfire   
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / I enjoyed playing with toy parts,not the full toy;Carnegie Mellon-Diversity,Motto&MCS [2]

I only did it just to be done with it. Perhaps I did it only for the sake of doing or I did it because I had to.

This sentence is sort of redundant:
I did not care about it and I did not even bother to improve it after I was done

Once done, those tedium never bothered me again.

Variation would do better in the following sentences:
As a child of a parent who works for the Foreign Ministry of Bangladesh, I have lived in several countries besides the United States such as England, Iran and Saudi Arabia. I have lived among several kinds of people

I hope to be able to think in a revolutionary way. I hope t o be able to think like those
In this part you should find some variation.
fznfire   
Nov 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Summer job, Bee Sting - Common App. Essay [9]

I hate everything about this job: the smell , the hours, and the owner of the business I actually avoid working when I can.

Too bold assertionI once pretended to be sick, so that I did not have to work.
Every time I have to work, I get this feeling of dread and I would do anything not to have to work
However, I cannot quit this job because my father is manages the scheduling [ Reconsider this portion].

You can cut your second paragraph which on whole is not related to the essay.
And you could perhaps add the comments at the end perhaps from your sister when she returned home after a day with pop corn wagon to show how hard the task really is.

Please help me with my essay:
fznfire   
Nov 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Between nursing and veterinary - Rutgers Admissions Essay [4]

I sit there at the corner waiting for that big yellow school bus. When it arrives I rush in

Perhaps you should reconsider writing this sentence
Quickly losing the seniority of an eighth grader and intimidated by the upperclassmen sitting in the back, I'm only a freshmen

low point and my parents both working in the real estate and mortgage agency. It was tough on them

I felt good about it I liked it [Redundant]

Rutgers is a perfect realization of the diversity that I am seeking for. I am looking forward a day when I would be there.

You should also consider breaking this essay into paragraphs and I am not much sure about the present tense you have used in the beginning. Perhaps that should be past.

On whole the essay is good. Because you have not mentioned the question, I could not find out if it answers the prompt or not.

Please could you help me with my essay...
fznfire   
Nov 11, 2010
Writing Feedback / Media info advantages and disadvantages: comics, books, radio, TV, film, theater [4]

Lets's look at the third paragraph.

Films, instead, are great forms of art and I think that they have only advantages. Films tell us a story or event in history or simply a comedy. It is a good way to stay with our family or friends.

There are three sentence and none of them are related.

I don't mean to be harsh but the flow of idea is fundamentally lacking. Organization is lacking. I am not a good writer myself but I still did not find your essay can be told good.

Let me try to rewrite the third paragraph...

Films, unlike television or radio, mostly have advantages. They not only entertain us, but at the same time provide wide useful information. Through the effective audio visual effect, messages for society can be disseminated effectively. [Example....A depth analysis of movie Titanic would help its viewer not only to refreshen their mind after some dull task but also help understand the social class system in great Britain in early twentieth century... ]

Please help with my essay
fznfire   
Nov 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "I passed my exam!" - Evaluating a significant event in my life [3]

Word Count: 435(Is it too short???)
It was a crisp evening: the red sun slowly sinking in the far horizon and mild breeze swaying the flowers in vases. A phenomenal end of another day was inviting its complementary night. However, quite unexpectedly at the next instant my mother's mobile rang. After a short and fast conversation over the phone, my mother scampered towards my room where I found her staring at me wearing a flinty look in her face. But she could not suppress her emotions anymore, and triumphantly threw her hands to hug me. Finally, her voice exuberantly revealed, "I passed my exam!"

It was an overwhelming moment: after a decade of continuous effort, she had outperformed approximately six thousand candidates to be promoted in the government job. What could be more inspiring for me - a student who could not qualify into any college or university in the last fall! During those earlier moments of rejection nothing seemed to go right - as though disappointment had completely engulfed my dreams and aspirations; failure had mightily grasped me irretrievably in its might palm. The world had turned upside down! But now after every this, I am as positive as ever, possibly even more.

Often as I compare my life to my mother's past, even my few of my supposedly huge problems lose their magnitude. Unlike my mother when at my age, I have a perfect home support, read in better school, enjoy a more liberal society, access better communication tools, and what not else. Although these comforts and accessibility helped me to develop for better, it lacked hardships that forge a human. That void was what those rejections probably helped to fill.

Now, I am better prepared to deal with the college tasks and thirstier than ever to get a good education. Physics is really a hard nut to crack requiring continuous efforts and at times yielding very little awards. One must learn to fail thousand times like Thomas Elva Edison and sometimes cope with lack the infrastructures like young Faraday. To an extent, my gap year precisely taught me those valuable lessons which would come handy in later of my life.

As on that day, I looked at my mother's glad face with bleary eyes, I could see there a dream vested on me. If a mother had toiled for ten years, should her child give up in one? Certainly my mother wants me to go far beyond. That moment, with a reinvigorated strength and will power, I had determined for the rest of my whole life - 'If life would strike me hard, I would strike it harder!'
fznfire   
Nov 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "I sat under light to do my homework" -significant experience, risk, ethical dilemma. [4]

It takes a lot strength to motivate yourself when it seems like there is no reason to be happy. Going through this misfortune made me wish for more wisdom. It showed me that dark times will come, but you just have to keep pushing. Time goes on and you just have to keep your head up high and move along with it.

Perhaps you should not use 'you' and instead opt for 'one'. It could be annoying for adcoms if they are being directly addressed as 'you'. Anyway that is my opinion.

Another thing that I would like to suggest is that you should perhaps end in basic personal theme.
I find a saying very relevant in your case- Let's pray for for stronger shoulders than lighter loads.
fznfire   
Mar 22, 2010
Scholarship / An exceptional achievement, essay for NUS undergrad scholarships [3]

I was also able to utilise my intellectual capabilities since I was not being spoon-fed by the teachers as I was in school.

This program gave me the opportunity to exercise my imagination.

This burning passion of mine for science and research will be of value to NUS community where there are full of rewarding challenges in research.

I want to spread my burning passion among my future colleagues in NUS community. The rewarding environment would help me get the best out of me(or sth like that)

I hope it helps.
fznfire   
Mar 16, 2010
Graduate / statement of purpose for mechanical engineering for phd admission [2]

I have consistently ranked among the top 3 % of the students with 70.

I would say this part is really not required. Let the recommendation letters speak about your competitiveness.

My educational experiences with related project are a testimony to it.

You are stating about your achievements boastfully which as best as I know should be safely avoided.

You could add how you were drawn towards the mechanical engineering, the satisfaction you get when you accomplish doing something or a rare experience that made you shows your commitment towards the research and your subject.
fznfire   
Mar 1, 2010
Undergraduate / UIUC "doing hard things can make people better" - extracurricular activity [3]

I am not an expert but to be honest your essay seems to have mess up with the tense and has consistently used the same sentence structure. Please use varied sentence structure. The mess up with tense that I aforementioned refers to this part:

I interviewed the finance teachers and managers who worked at banks or financial organizations to report current financial news and comments Past . I must collect and survey much data and professional knowledge before I interviewed themPresent .

I must not fail to appreciate that the ideas you have put now are much stronger and clearer than you had them earlier. But still to make it better you need variety of sentence.
fznfire   
Feb 4, 2010
Scholarship / Need help in ideas for financial aid scholarship [4]

You have to write an essay and there are people here who can help you improve that. You are the primary responsible for writing the essay. No one can write for you.

Well if I were you I would focus my essay in the second part of the essay as discussing much about the first part would be a sort of bragging. I think you do not need to be specific in the first part. Let the committee read between the lines what is your adherence to...
fznfire   
Jan 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Additional Information for undergraduate admission [3]

I had failed to learn the basic study skills that most students learn in their first few years of high school

The essay would be better if you had described what do you mean by the basic study skills. Personally, I feel that you are overemphasizing your weakness. Perhaps there are some strong points in your career;you may had got good grades in some subjects or had good ECAs. You probably some incidents that had poked your sense that you were not doing what you had been capable of. There are many options available.

Make a well crafted story of failure or never discuss failure at all. That is my point.

I hope that helps.
fznfire   
Jan 19, 2010
Poetry / I will get what I desire. [7]

I do not know much about poems but it seems dream works better than desire.
fznfire   
Jan 18, 2010
Undergraduate / I attended a school in Bahrain; Educational Path essay, UM [6]

Probably you would like to discuss more on Lab facilities you are talking about University of Michigan. Why Michigan? This question is important. It is hard to write, but the essay would be better if you say that some specific thing from the labs or programs that had attracted you. You do not need to mention strong undergrad and grad program . Just show why you perceive it as strong? It is better if you point out some uniqueness.
fznfire   
Jan 17, 2010
Undergraduate / I attended a school in Bahrain; Educational Path essay, UM [6]

Bahrain (a small island country in the Middle East)

If you are in word limit, you can eliminate these things outright. The reader shall know about the country. Even if s/he does not, nothing much is related. To be honest, I did not get the part "until sixth grade"

The following part seems harsh. Though you were not satisfied with the school and dropped out still you should show some respect towards it or use some mild words.

I liked the word Unfortunately
It soothes the harshness. If I were you I would put it this way:

Unfortunately, the school could satiate my appetite for creative knowledge. My creativity instead of fostering in the school was shrinking every passing day. So I had to no alternative but take the other way. I quitted the school, but it was not the end of my learning. In fact, two years after spending time learning on my own, I feel a greater degree of accomplishment than my friends from High School.

But still, during these years I felt a strong need for a University which could help me discover my potentials, expand my horizon of knowledge and ...., all that the Indian school could not provide me. Probably I am being negative either..

And when I came across University of Michigan in ...., this was it....

Hope it helps
fznfire   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Skidmore's supplemental essay: Passion for Skidmore's International... [15]

I agree with Rabia. In fact you do not need to use I believe. It sounds pretty good without that.

However you still have something more to consider.
teaching faculty who I will find in class

I do not understand that you are expecting to find teachers only in class. This is a redundancy. Pls avoid it
fznfire   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Skidmore's supplemental essay: Passion for Skidmore's International... [15]

You use too often the same sentence structure.

Because...
Because Skidmore is the next stop in my life road map.

I have learnt never to start to sentence with Because. It sounds awkward. How about this:

I believe Skidmore is the next stop in my life road map.

Skidmore It appeals to me not only because of the brilliant teaching faculties who would teach me there but also because it will allows my curious mind to explore new horizons in this wild??(Let's find a substitute) world full of independent??(let's reconsider this word, complex might work) minds.

At best, sentence needs to be rewritten

I vicariously dream of discussing "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra with Professor Burton and learning about "Plato's Dialectical Method" from Professor Gonzalez .

I hope that you will consider rewriting it. Since this is your first choice college; you must be carefully deal with the essay too.

Prajwal
fznfire   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Coming to the USA was a cultural shock to me. Everything were totally different [3]

When I first stepped into US, it was all an alien environment. Food to education, lifestyle to recreation; all were different from my homeland [your country name].

Though I easily mingled in the environment; I never let my unique culture and background lost because that was my real identity.

You may want to reconsider your essay.

This world introduced to me the variation of the world which otherwise I could probably never know....

The theme is good but you have to give another try to put your words again in clear and concise manner.
fznfire   
Jan 2, 2010
Graduate / "Choice is an illusion" [2]

Choice is not an illusion, in real life we always have at least two possible alternatives: perform an action or do not do anything.sit idle.

The problem of choice was and continues to be urgent for all generations during our history

The problem of choice can be a little complicated for children becauseowing to the fact that they do not have such freedom like adults

I absolutely disagree with the statement that we should blame the society infor all our misfortunes. We create the society, andwe createtherefore itsthe rules. because the society consists of individuals who can choose what society they want.So, if we are to blame society; we must blame ourselves.

I hope it helps.
fznfire   
Jan 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Terrorism is not new." - can sb help me edit this analytical writing piece? [5]

Everything being a is just a click far mostly free of charge, and not even the crucial things as information on weaponries or terrorism are untouched.

It has therefore created an platform for the evils; internet their safe heavens.

You have to rewrite your first paragraph..
fznfire   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community. [6]

I see in Duke an excellent architect of medical futures ...

I would rather write it: Undeniably, Duke has been a perfect architect
for medical futures;that is why it has remained on the top of my college list.

ANother correction
In Duke I really feel that I can embrace Duke life fully.

I feel I have so much to

Overall the essay is good.
fznfire   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "I am an explorer." - Northwestern: WHY ESSAY... [6]

Nothing could be happier than making other happy

I want you to reconsider this sentence because it is the conclusion of your whole essay. I would rather write it as following:

It was the happiest moment one can ever be in the Earth. My warmth of my heart was so intense I did not even feel the chillness of the morning.

YOu have already added the latter part of the line previously. I think that was too early. If you add it up later; I think the thing would turn better.

Hope you make it to North Western.
fznfire   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT activity Essay---Reading [13]

I think if you quote some characters from the stories you have learnt that would be more better and credible. In this terse essay it is difficult, I do understand.
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