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Posts by z4evafoolz
Joined: Dec 23, 2009
Last Post: Nov 29, 2010
Threads: 7
Posts: 31  

From: United States

Displayed posts: 38
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z4evafoolz   
Nov 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / Déjŕ vu, I did it in reality - boyfriend essay story [5]

all I could hear was the whisper of the swaying trees and the running river.

Working my way towards him, he looked up and his gaze froze me to the spot with his petrifying eyes. *You need to agree the continuous verb "working" to the subject (which you currently have as "he"). He wasn't working your way towards himself. The 'with his petrifying eyes' is reduntant.

You can either say:
Working towards me, he looked up, and his gaze froze me to the spot. OR;
Working my way towards him, I saw him look up, and his gaze froze me to the spot.

*Try not bringing religion in.*

If I were to comment on it, I would say you might need to re-write the essay, IF this is a college application essay. Boy/girlfriend essays should be avoided, and your essay is mainly plot, and doesn't quite develop your character.

You do have a good writing style though -- you do engage the readers :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / International Business, AIM - UPenn supplement [6]

Yes, this is much better, and it's almost ready to be handed in. It's not a perfect essay because of the level of vocabulary (i have the same problem too and i just don't bother any more lol...), but its certainly one of the strong ones. You state what you're interested in, you state what you can contribute to the community, and you state how you can contribute to the Penn society.

This essay, for some reason, has significantly less grammar mistakes than the previous one! This essay flows, and I think its a really well-developed, strong, concise essay. The only room for improvement, as i said above, is vocabulary use :).

sincefrom the time when I moved here,I always wanted to attend Penn.

From the time of my college visit to After I had visited Penn this summer, I was more determined

what I wasam looking for.

-------------------------

Penn offers many social activities and clubs that interestedinterest me. One of the social communities that I wanted to participate in Penn is the Chinese Students Association. First and foremost, I am a Chinese so I want to be a part of a community that connects to my background. I would then have the chance to meet more people that share the same cultural background as me, an opportunity for me to learn more about my culture. During the spring time of this year, I volunteered at the moon festival in Chinatown, inat which I realize that many Americans were really interested in the Chinese culture. I believe that by being involved in the Chinese Students Association, I will be given the opportunity to share with others and to teach them about the Chinese culture. One way that I can teach others about the Chinese culture is by organizing several Chinese cultural activities with other members throughout the campus on special Chinese holidays, such as Chinese year, to let other students that are not involve in the association know that it is possible for people with different cultural background to work together as a big family if they share the same interest and enjoy doing the same activities.

-------------

My first choice of major is International Business; therefore, the academic community that I wanted to participate in Penn is the Awareness of International Market (AIM). After my research on AIM, I found out that it teaches students about the economic, political, social, and cultural aspects of foreign market. which really interested meThis caught my attention because I believe that AIM will give me the opportunity to learn more about the international market that is not being taught in the classroom. Furthermore, being a part of the community will be a great way for me to discuss the current international market issues with my fellow student and to enhance my knowledge by listening to different ideas from other student members. One of the main goals of the AIM is to raise awareness of international issues. In order to raise awareness around the Penn community of international market issues, I, along with other members, am willing to put up posters throughout the campus to increase awareness and by going to elementary and high schools to give lectures in order for theto students so that they can learn more about international predicaments based on business. Although my knowledge on the international market wasis not so great but I will contribute to AIM by applying what I learned and sharing my knowledge and passion for international business with others.

Goodluck. Nearly there.
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How can you answer the what you can contribute to upenn supplement [16]

Hello again,

you have a great writing style as i said on your other essays...
It's really intriguing and it does show that you have a passion for UPenn, as to answer your second question.

So many prospective biology students (which I am looking at becoming, either through Bioengineering or Pre-Medicine) only look [...]
Many look at this chemistry as the "dirty work" en route to more glamorous work. But can't there be an alternative?

You said that you wanted to keep this part, but it's way too long. You can simplify this, because you're not really answering the question here - it's just a lead on. (Lead on is necessary, but shouldn't be too lengthy!). For example:

Many prospective biology students looking to major in Pre-Medicine forget to appreciate the chemistry involved in it. For me, it is a completely different story. The research opportunities at Penn is one of the academic community that I am most interested in.

Now you have a good set-up. What you need to do from here is to say why you're interested in research opportunities. Do you have a passion for it? Are you willing to learn more about Biochemical researches? (i'm not an expert at this field so i'm obviously lost, but you know what i mean when i say biochemical researches :))

The emphasis on development for the future in work towards PhDs and other advanced degrees finally can provide me a sense of direction. This accounts for the other major problem with so many prospective students in science; they don't understand how what they do relate to their potential future, their past doesn't co-exist.

Great, the university can provide you with something. However, this isn't what the question is asking you. Here, you're answering the question "how can the university contribute to you?" and NOT "how can you contribute to the university?" What can you do for the research thingies at UPENN? Can you help them research something? Can you bring in your academic knowledge about this field and contribute to the research thingies? Can you help the wider society with this research? Make a special medicine to combat poverty? (again, im not an expert on this field!)

p.s. It was good to state the specific department (Roy and Dianna blah blah blah).

However, the prestigious Vagelos program is hardly the only answer. The fact ...
...rather than someone tell me what resources and faculty and appropriate and how to approach them, and how to obtain funding, is paramount.

Again, the same as above. you're saying a lot of things how you can benefit from many opportunities at Penn, which isn't nailing the question. It's not hard to sort this out. You can go on saying about how there is a personalized nature of these meetings, and that when you attend UPENN and get given the opportunity to attend the Vagelos program, you can contribute by showing your truest interests to others outside of UPENN with these personalized meetings. In fact, repeat this process with the paragraph before this. It's really easy to tweak. Remember, show HOW YOU can contribute to the university, NOT how you can gain from the opportunities.

It's through my realizations in the lab about the need for openness and [...]
We will all have our problems, but I can be part of the answer.

Perfect. This part is answering the question. Do the same for other paragraphs.

But even if I could see shade of promise in the future, my eyes were still staring [...]
[...] but the pureness that struck me for so long was gone. Was this was college does to you?

Another lead-on, it's necessary, but again, too long. Get to the point faster. Your point is that you're interested in American Asian thingy at UPENN. You do not need a colossal explanation for why you have been interested in this.

But there's so much more in the Asian American Studies Program. [...]
[...] the impact made at UPENN that is truly distinguishable.

This part is unnecessary - you still have the flow of the essay without it, and it's way more concise than before. BECAUSE:

the opportunity for me to contribute to this culture through my eight years experience of tabla (Indian drum) playing, and the zeal through my comprehension of Sikh history in nine years experience at the Sikh Youth Symposium is tremendous. Once again, I can be part of a group and its growth and its development and unity. But what makes this so special is that this group's identity is only beginning to be realized, and the potential a group that has already had such an impact is unfathomable.

NOW you're up for it again, you're telling them how you can contribute.

----------------------------

Overall, you have this structure which is really good for any writer of any essays. You open with a BOOM BAM introduction and you catch the attention of the readers. Then you go on with a lead-on, you say what the community is, and then you say how you can contribute to them with your previous experiences and passion. You conclude with referring back to the introduction, giving the readers a circular feeling and an end to the essay. It's a perfect format for any writer.

However, the lead-on is too big. The 'what you can contribute' part is too small. 'how you can contribute to the larger penn community' is virtually non-existent. You need to say how you can contribute to the larger Penn community too (i gave you a few suggestions above).

I used to have the same problem too - i called it Expansion and Contraction (like nailing and hammering!). You expand the parts that are necessary (how you can contribute to the wider society and the community), and you contract the parts that are not needed (what caught your attention and the lead-ons that you have).

Keep up the style! And you did manage to nail the question this time, you just didnt hammer it properly. Pull it back out and hammer it straight in.

Good Luck
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn- Page 217 Middle-aged teenager [5]

I haven't reach quite one page yet so if you have any recommendations about what to add then that would be great.

My friend who applied to UPenn also, wrote 3 lines, saying -end of chapter- at the bottom.

It's not necessary to finish the page, and it might be a good idea (may give the admission committee a sense of your creativity haha)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / International Business, AIM - UPenn supplement [6]

Hello,

I like the way you write your essays - they're really straight to the point.

The question, however, asks for HOW will contribute to the university. The question that you're answering throughout your essay is WHY you want to attend certain communities. I mean that's great, because it answers the first part of the question (so it is ideal to leave it in), but what im suggesting is, talk about what you can do to these communities and to the larger society.

For example on your AIM:
One of the goals for AIM is to raise awareness of international issues. I can contribute to AIM by sharing my knowledge and passion for international business, and I can also help to raise awareness around the Penn community. (elaborate from here).

That was just an example, you can beautify it with many many many examples like..:
I can help raise awareness by, for example, organising a high school course on business responsibility to get the school kids to know more about the international predicaments based on business. E T C.

As for your social interests... Great, you've been involved with moon festival at Chinatown. Say a bit more on how you're going to teach others the Chinese culture. Maybe you can give individual lectures to Elementary school kids. Maybe you can organise a chinese activity for the university to raise awareness of your own culture throughout the university.

Talk more about HOW you're going to contribute to the society. The limit is one page, so I'm assuming you still have space to include stuff in.

Oh, and keep it straight to the point, like you did in this essay. It's really good.

There are a few grammar mistakes, which i'll fix, if noone is willing to do so soon. :)

good luck
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "going to enojoy my ups" - UPENN supplimentary. [17]

Again, I have no clue how you're answering the question.. Your first paragraph is completely off-topic in my opinion. The question isnt: "describe an event that has impacted you significantly". You're talking about how your step-father came into your house, and pushed you to do certain things (puruse academic and social stuff), and you're saying that they supported you. Does that answer the question "how can you contribute to the university and to the larger Penn Community?" I believe it doesnt.

So to me, you're spending about a quarter to a third of your page (the limit is one-page, single spaced as we all know it) trying to get to the point that you came across UPenn thru your step-brother who came in when you were at your 'down' stage of the life, and they gave you 'courage' to live through it.

NOW you're answering the question on your 2nd paragraph, and i can see that you will in the future paragraphs by the looks of your plan. This is gonna be excellent (seriously). Except, you wont fit all of that with a lengthy, off-topic first paragraph which consumes a third of your typing space.

The quote at the beginning also does not match what you're saying in the body paragraphs - it just supports your first paragraph when you were down and ppl came to give you courage (which, i say again, is off-topic). In a 600-word essay (1 page), talking about all this is impossible. Getting straight to the point, nailing the question and hammering it throughout your essay are the best ways to not let the admmissions committee fall asleep at 2am in the morning with a stockpile of essays on the corner of their desks.

To add, I would also talk about social communities, not just the med school (academic community). But that's just a possibility. The above feedbacks are recommendations.

Goodluck

*EDIT: I love the way rtgrove123 put it. He said all of my comments in the simplest form.
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Music and International Business communities at Penn - [6]

Hey guys,

I have finished writing the Penn supplement requirement essay... But im having trouble with the introduction... Can anyone give me some ideas on how to write an introduction for this essay?:

Since the beginning of high school, I have unnoticeably built a love for music, and the gap between us only got closer and closer progressively. I look to pursue this attraction to music in the University of Pennsylvania as an undergraduate. There are many musical communities that I can participate at UPenn, and I can contribute to them in many different ways. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I jolted when I heard that Penn's Orchestra previously performed my favorite classical music: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. A Penn Rock Band is something I could create with my passion for the guitar, the drums and my culturally unique style of composition. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I have also heard about the PennJazz. Learning jazz -- one type of music that I did not pursue during high school -- at UPenn is also an opportunity that I would like to pursue.

With the help of my experiences, my passion for musical instruments, and my creativity, I can contribute to the larger Penn community. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. These are two of many ways in which I can contribute to the communities of Pennsylvania.

In addition to the social communities at University of Pennsylvania, I would also like to participate in Penn international business volunteers (PIBV). Through UNESCO and International Club at high school, I have developed a strong interest in international predicaments, and I have developed a thorough knowledge about business with the help of higher level IB course: Business and Management. It is for this specific reason that I find PIBV as the most interesting academic community that I want to participate in. PIBV aims to benefit those in need outside of University of Pennsylvania by utilizing business skills. I am willing to contribute to PIBV by putting the business theories that I have learnt from school into practice. I can also contribute by participating in projects like enhancing infrastructures in developing countries with my experiences of helping those in need throughout high school.

One key component in PIBV is raising awareness about the importance of international economic development. Should I join PIBV, I wish to help raise this awareness to the larger Penn community by, for example, screening documentaries about international NGO's, or organizing a state conference about business responsibility. I can also contribute to the wider community by showing them how they can combat poverty as working professionals or globally-engaged citizens. Teaching and raising awareness, as we all know it, is ultimately the best contribution to give to anyone, including the wider Penn community.

Out of many opportunities available at the University of Pennsylvania, the musical community and the International Business Volunteers interest me the most. Through my special talents in music and the dedication and knowledge for business and international issues, I am willing to contribute to the two communities I have mentioned, to the larger Penn community, and even to developing countries and those who are in need.

Thank you :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "going to enojoy my ups" - UPENN supplimentary. [17]

Hey Chang,

I'm well aware that you only have 3 days to fix this, but i think you might need to start from scratch.

The problem is that you're not answering the question - "Which academic and social communities? How can you contribute to them? How can you contribute to the greater Penn society?"

From the late 3rd paragraph you talk about the academic communities available at UPenn, and im hoping that you would do that for social communities too. The 2nd paragraph is off-topic and it is not necessary. Perhaps start about describing how you got to know Penn and how you were let known to many opportunities at Penn through your brother in introduction, and then go off on talking about 2 specific ones in body paragraphs (1 academic, 1 social).

It's up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Time is ticking." - Johns Hopkins Supplement ---- [5]

I believe it's grammatically perfect too - I couldn't find any mistakes. It's really well focused and well developed. I think its ready to be submitted :).
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

@Simrath

Hang on, isnt PIBV an academic community? I did a thorough research on this one, and i'm not willing to take it out.

@David

I agree, I'll add more depth to it. And about the back and forth with music and PIBV thing too. Is there anything more that I need to fix?
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

This is a revised paragraph about 'how will you contribute to the upenn and to the wider community'. I have modified the conclusion as you suggested (:)), but this part needs more help i think!

With the help of my experiences with piano and my passion for other musical instruments, I can contribute to the musical communities at UPenn. My knowledge about international issues and my dedication to put a few business theories into practice would also help the IPBV community in the university. I would also be more than joyous to assist the larger Penn community by sharing my creative side of the brain. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. As for IPBV, consulting non-profits and NGO's and enhancing the infrastructures for long-term sustainable growth to combat underdeveloped parts of Pennsylvania would not only add to my experience, but also help the wider Penn community.

Any feedback would be nice, positive or negative.
I tried to make it as direct as possible. I think it's improved...
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "I can have a sense of security" - JHU Supplement Help [6]

I agree with Qin, the prompt does not ask the reasons for "why JHU?". The question is "why this major?"

Nail the question and hammer it :).

As for question 1: You can shorten it on the part where you answer "why JHU?". The essay length is fine as it stands i believe, JHU does not have any word limit so it shouldn't matter (just don't bore the readers).

As for question 2: Yes, it is very vague in the beginning. A few clarifying phrases would definitely help (and is needed).

As for question 3: Yes, it does show your passion for why you want to go to JHU, but unfortnuately, this is not what the question is asking. Describe and explain in detail what made you choose a certain major, and how it impacted you.

It is up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

Ok, thanks for your feedback, i changed my format.

I'm currently rewriting like this:

Music intro
musical communities at Penn & international business academic community at Penn
How I can contribute to both communities
How I can contribute to the larger Penn community through this

I'll post up the edited essay here as soon as possible, if you could have a look at it!
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

100 word essay is about directness!

100-word isn't even an essay - its more of a listing of your hobbies type of question... Maybe rewrite from scratch - its only 100words - and talk direct.
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

What I don't get is... is it necessary to talk about academic AND social communities? If i had the choice, I would have only done social communities and talked a lot about music. The prompt does say social and academic and it was necessary to talk about one academic community.

As for the quote, I agree with you, it was stretching it and you picked it up right away, so i guess it doesn't really fit.

If I were to take the UPMUNC out, what could i say for academic community?

Thanks
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania optional supplement (the good old autobiography) [3]

Prompt: You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

NOTE TO EVERYONE: the page 217 can be based on your life SO FAR as well (the way I took it and asked the university!)

...beginning of something completely different. It was unexpected, like a bombshell dropped out of nowhere. All the school tests were considerably harder than those in grade 10. I at first regretted taking this IB course, and wanted to switch back to NCEA , the 'easier option' as my school friends considered. However, once I was caught in this mysterious labyrinth of IB that was wearing me away, physically and mentally, there was only one way out. Quitting was a no go. One piece to the puzzle that unlocks the door, I thought, was determination.

And so you, the readers, would have guessed that I was intelligent, determined boy when I started the 2-year IB course. You are perfectly right. I was determined. I was determined to pull through and get a great overall mark in IB. Unfortunately, grades did not follow determination; unfortunately, I put in more than what I got back. As Benjamin Franklin -- the founder of the university that I wanted to attend since the start of grade 10 -- said, "If you get more than you put in, you have the philosopher's stone." I engraved this quote deep in my heart that it almost became my motto, but I broke this golden rule that I always lived by. I was incessantly making an effort to strike those top marks in literature, German, and chemistry, but honestly, all I got back was a collaboration of C's in my report. I do not lie about this, and I am not embarrassed to share with you the failures I have experienced throughout the beginning of the IB course. I am not ashamed of it solely for this reason: without failure, no success. Another piece to the puzzle that unlocks the door, I thought, was learning from my mistakes.

When I got 12 out of 25 in my literature essay in April 2008, I didn't put my head down and let all the neuron transmitters which cause depression chew me away. I asked Mr. David Shaw, my world literature teacher, why I was getting such results. He told me what I was doing wrong, and provided me with a detailed step-by-step method that could improve my literature marks which I carefully noted in my diary, in a condensed form of 3 words: read, practice, and write. I implemented this method all throughout April and as much as the three words looked simple and easy, it was difficult. Many nights I thought to myself that I cannot do this, I cannot survive IB. The problem was that it took this much of an effort for one out of three subjects I was getting C's at. German: learn, think, use. Chemistry: memorize, use logic, solve. I give you my word on this; the final and most crucial piece of the puzzle, in the midst of all adversities, is 'believe'.

You may ask, how can 'belief' and 'determination' be any different? You can believe all you want, but you may not be determined to achieve your beliefs. You can be determined to achieve something, but you may not believe that you can. The truth is that belief sets your mind up to accomplish your goals; determination sets you up physically to obtain them. You do need both: without one or the other, you can never achieve what you want to achieve.

Once I started to believe that I could unlock the door out of this adversity, nothing was impossible. Reading, practicing and writing, once difficult, turned out to be not much of a problem. That April month I had another literature test, and for that test I was more nervous than I had ever gotten before. I wanted to get more than what I put in. I wanted to live by my motto again, because one way of succeeding is to have output greater than input. I spent the longest two hours of my life (until then) in my literature class. My level of nervousness, like everyone else's, increases rapidly when I know I have made all the effort possible, and I'm finally being tested on it. The world literature test result was

...

Any feedbacks would be nice, positive or negative!

Thanks
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

Prompt: Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Since the beginning of high school, I have unnoticeably built a love for music, and the gap between us only got closer and closer progressively. I look to pursue this affinity to music in the University of Pennsylvania as an undergraduate. There are many musical communities that I can participate at UPenn, and I can contribute to them in many different ways. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I jolted when I heard that Penn's Orchestra previously performed my favorite classical music: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. A Penn Rock Band is something I could create with my passion for the guitar, the drums and my culturally unique style of composition. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I have also heard about the PennJazz. Learning jazz -- one type of music that I did not pursue during high school -- at UPenn is also an opportunity that I would like to pursue.

With the help of my experiences, my passion for musical instruments, and my creativity, I can contribute to the larger Penn community. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. These are two of many ways in which I can contribute to the communities of Pennsylvania.

In addition to the social communities at University of Pennsylvania, I would also like to participate in Penn international business volunteers (PIBV). Through UNESCO and International Club at high school, I have developed a strong interest in international predicaments, and I have developed a thorough knowledge about business with the help of higher level IB course: Business and Management. It is for this specific reason that I find PIBV as the most interesting academic community that I want to participate in. PIBV aims to benefit those in need outside of University of Pennsylvania by utilizing business skills. I am willing to contribute to PIBV by putting the business theories that I have learnt from school into practice. I can also contribute by participating in projects like enhancing infrastructures in developing countries with my experiences of helping those in need throughout high school.

One key component in PIBV is raising awareness about the importance of international economic development. Should I join PIBV, I wish to help raise this awareness to the larger Penn community by, for example, screening documentaries about international NGO's, or organizing a state conference about business responsibility. I can also contribute to the wider community by showing them how they can combat poverty as working professionals or globally-engaged citizens. Teaching and raising awareness, as we all know it, is ultimately the best contribution to give to anyone, including the wider Penn community.

Out of many opportunities available at the University of Pennsylvania, the musical community and the International Business Volunteers interest me the most. Through my special talents in music and the dedication and knowledge for business and international issues, I am willing to contribute to the two communities I have mentioned, to the larger Penn community, and even to developing countries and those who are in need.

Any feedbacks would be nice, positive or negative!
Oh and please check my JHU supplement too!
Thanks
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

Hey Kevin, I'll give you one heck of a simple answer.

THE Voice is your mind.

Let your mind speak, not your hands.

Oh, and to add to this (because this is relevant), don't make your essay fit the universities (i.e. don't try to make a hardcore essay saying everything good about yourself and about the university). Make your essay explicitly show your mind. After all, going to the university that your mind wants to go is where you really belong.

The Voice is your mind.
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / The Body I Love - University of Chicago Extended essay [2]

Hello Zee again :)

Epiphany is spelt like that <-----------------

SinceWhen I was much younger, I was always the tallest and heaviest girl.

Very Strong and compelling essay!!!! GREAT ending.

There are some grammar mistakes that hinder your expression, and I think you lost it completely on your last two sentences. You have answered the question all throughout until the end, but it wasn't very explicit on the last two sentences:

"This message is one that has been passed along for a while, but is never taken into consideration, however, there are quite a few people just as myself, who will never be caught crying over hurtful words from ignorant people. Drop a few pounds? I'd rather die."

I understand that you're trying to say that you were not caught crying over hurtful words from ignorant people. Just bring that out more explicitly.

For example:
"This message is one that has been passed along for a while, but is never taken into consideration. I for one was never caught (EXPLICIT) over these hurtful words from ignorant people. Drop a few pounds? I'd rather die."

As I said before, fixing a few grammar mistakes and tweaking the ending a bit will make this one of the strong essays :).

Goodluck, and it's up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "my desire for learning?" - Why University of Chicago? [7]

Thanks zainob :)

I think you're talking about this part (when you say you did answer the question):
"With U of C, I'll be able to "think critically", and have the guidance I need to fulfill these goals."

I agree with you, you have answered the question, but try to make it more stand-out. Do the in-your-face advertising to the school!

For example:
"U of C will definitely satisfy my desire for a particular kind of learning since I'll be able to think critically and have the guidance I need to fulfill my goals."

Hopefully you get what Im saying about the in-your-face advertisement... You know, admission committee have to read a lotttt of essays and in-your-face is the only way to wake them up at 2 in the morning :).

I'll be more than happy to read your re-written (or modified) essay!! Looking forward to it :).

Again, it is up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :).
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'enthusiasm for economics' - JHU supplement - why did you choose the major(s)? [3]

Hi guys again, and thanks for helping me with UChic essays :).

This essay did not have any word limit so i wrote about 750 words... Any feedback, positive or negative, will be appreciated!

Prompt: Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

Having lived in New Zealand for 8 years, I was excited to travel to the United States half a world away. This was the world which previously existed only in the news or in TV shows such as 'The Amazing Race' -- my favorite TV program -- and it was soon to be transformed into a reality! Even better, I was about to undertake a 10-day leadership course in the capital city of global economics: New York City.

My enthusiasm for economics has gradually grown since I was fourteen. My dad, who started his own import/export business not long after I was born, played a significant role in shaping my interests. Our house was often untidy, filled with papers titled "balance sheets" and "strategic plans", symbolizing my father's disorganization skills. He once told me to find one sheet of paper, with "Trading Balance" printed bold on top middle section, lying somewhere in the 300m2 area (the entire house). After 20 minutes of thorough search and rescue action, the familiar words "Trading Balance" was visible. It was familiar because I learnt it from grade 9 economics. Showing interest, I repeated the phrase "I learnt this from school!" three times, and he gave me the golden opportunity to make some trading decisions with his help. This was only the beginning. Completely unaware of exchange rates, I wondered how US dollars that my dad earned turned into my usable pocket money (in NZD).

Once the world of exchange rates bound me to it, there was no escape. Every time a question like "how does exchange rate affect inflation?" was answered through a myriad of Google searches, there were more questions yet to be answered, like "How does exchange rate affect the number of migrants?" It was like the multiplier effect: number of unanswered questions doubled the number of answered questions. Fascinated, I did not quit, but, day by day, I was more and more intrigued by the small 'pieces' of economics, such as interest rates and recession, that amalgamate to the greater economic reality.

I was then introduced to the People to People leadership summit program (P2P) in December 2008, the course that enabled me to pursue my interests. Visit to the Wall Street constructed an irrational feeling that I belong here in the future. Details in the Museum of American Financial History caught my attention to an extent that I nearly missed the bus back to our accommodation. The 'business project' that we had to complete required us to put the economic theories into practice. I believe that nothing compares to experience, and this 10-day leadership course at New York City has certainly confirmed me to choose economics as one of the subjects that I want to pursue in my tertiary studies.

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I enjoyed drawing maps. Strange as it sounds, drawing maps was one of my favorite hobbies in elementary school. During intervals and lunchtimes, when my schoolmates rushed out to the Sport's Cafï to get one of three soccer balls in school, I drew maps. Memory gauge increased extra 100% when it came down to inserting names of the streets around the school into my brain. This hobby carried on until the end of 8th grade, when I was about to enter high school. Going to high school also meant choosing subjects. One of the subjects that I chose, thinking that it would involve drawing maps, was geography.

My interest in geography was purely developed through my academic experience, thanks to my hobby of drawing maps when I was younger. As a Korean migrant in New Zealand, I enjoyed studying population and migration the most. Unfortunately, drawing maps was only a small part of IB* geography. The subject mostly involved memorizing real-life case studies -- not street names -- such as the landslide in Bangladesh, Kobe Earthquake in 1995, or pro-natalistic** policy in Singapore since 1989. Without a doubt, geography was the subject that I enjoyed the most while studying; natural or human, these real-life events fascinated me and made me want to research more about them. High marks I obtained in geography also acted as a motivator to study further. Needless to say, I wish to continue to enrich this interest and pursue it in my tertiary studies at Johns Hopkins.

In short, I chose economics and geography as two majors that I want to pursue at Johns Hopkins. My strong interests in both of these subjects are still active today and I hope to enrich them in the future. These interests in economics and geography, the pursuit of these interests and my determination to learn more about these two subjects confirm that I have selected the right majors to be studied at Johns Hopkins University.

*IB: International Baccalaureate - an education programme like AP.
**pro-natalistic: A government policy supporting increase in population.

Thank you all, late merry christmas and happy new year :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "my desire for learning?" - Why University of Chicago? [7]

Hello Zee,

I'll start off straight away.

What it would feel like to say - "I go to ..." "The College" seems right <--- this part is really confusing. Just a little tidier would be great.

Overall, there is one serious problem with your essay (sorry to sound a bit mean, but its a problem that needs to be fixed!).
You talk greatly about how you are going to contribute to the Universities social and academic aspects, and how you'll fit greatly with University of Chicago.

Frankly speaking, that ISNT the way to go. Answer the prompt. The prompt is, how does UChic satisfy your desire for learning community blah blah blah.

Do you REALLY answer the question? The question asks you "how does this uni fit for you?", not "how can you contribute to this uni?".

To be honest, I think it might be better to start the essay from scratch, and nail the question on the head (as i said to others on EF). If you nail the question down, hammering the essay is easy, and taking the nail out gets harder and harder. (i.e. if you start off answering the question right, you'll never go off track).

Some minor grammar mistakes can be fixed easily though.

You write really good, and make the readers want to continue to read it, which is a good thing. Hopefully you can do the same while answering the question :).

Thanks.

p.s. It is up to you whether to utilise or to ignore completely my feedbacks. :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "WHY JHU and WHY Biomedical Engineering" - JHU Supplement [4]

Would be wonderful if you start like this:

The phone rang. I picked it up. It was my best friend: "My mother is dead."

Seven years ago, my best friend's mother died of cancer. The voice of my friend remains vividly in my heart. At that time, I was still young. I couldn't contemplate the difficulties that were set ahead of my friend and I am sure he didn't know either. His father promised to take care of him. But after two years he re-married and left his son to the government. Suddenly, the childhood of my friend was ruined. Since then, I gradually built a strong interest in bioengineering.

:)

Overall, its a well-developed essay, but you could make it a bit more interesting with variances in sentence structure and whatnot.

At the moment it just sounds a bit too plain.

Also, with your ending, (I know I can look back at the sufferings of my friend and use his pain as the motivator in my pursuit to become a doctor: more importantly, I will use it to remind myself why I've chosen this path - there are people waiting to be saved.), the question is asking "why chose Bioengineering?", not "how are you gonna deal with this course?".

Make sure you nail the question on the head at your conclusion, then it will be a strong, well rounded essay.

p.s. It is up to you whether to utilise or to ignore completely my feedbacks :).
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Luck in Chemistry - University of Chicago optional supplement [4]

Thanks for your feedback.

dingpx, what do you mean? this essay is asking you to tell them about your favourite... anything I believe.

Nice point Meghan, appreciated (your last two lines especially :))
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Luck in Chemistry - University of Chicago optional supplement [4]

Prompt: Would you please tell us about a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, magazines, or newspapers? Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own (quote).

I never believed in luck, it didn't exist in my dictionary. If I faced disappointment, it was never because I was unlucky, and if I achieved top results in something, it was always my skills that did the job. Maybe I didn't believe in luck because every time I completed something successfully, my parents would always say, "you're a lucky man", or "luck saved you, my little boy." Before I entered the world of IB in grade 11, I came across a quote, which became my motto not long after, from the movie The Little Black Book: "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." Fascinated, I did some internet surfing based on the quote and discovered that the quote was originally from the philosopher Seneca.

I still wasn't convinced that luck existed, and so I put this doubtful concept to test. Chemistry was a tough subject for me in grade 11; there were so many aspects to learn and so little came up in the periodical tests. Trusting luck, I prepared only a handful amount of coursework and set the test next day. Result was horrible: 60% and a C in my report. I was 'unlucky' (according to the quote), because my meager preparation didn't meet the opportunity to express the chemical knowledge. That moment was when I changed; something talked from nowhere and told my brain to do everything. For the mid-year exam, I prepared everything. It seemed like I memorized the textbook inside out, and I literally have. The exam wasn't too hard after all: 85% and an A in my report. I was 'lucky': an opportunity was given to demonstrate my preparation. The valuable lesson I learnt from this is that, if you're prepared for anything, you're 90% on your way to getting lucky. Remember, according to my favorite quote, luck is when preparation meets opportunity. University of Chicago will give me the opportunity to enrich my academic knowledge and pursue my social interests, and I will give the university my preparation built for the past 17 years in return.

Essay length is 2 paragraphs :).
Any feedback would be nice, positive or negative.
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Student Talk / What is more important? Common application essays or supplement essays? [9]

I did tell a story and i was slightly reflective for sure. At first i wrote like 700 words but i cut it down until 'every word fights for itself' and got down to 446. T_T

I talked about a personal, significant experience, and i brought out a point how it has impacted me and thus changed me to a different, more matured person. I definitely answered the question I think... O_o. Hopefully it's not too bad :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "being a trilingual Egyptian and Palestinian" - Michigan diversity essay [6]

Hello Rami,

Your essay brings out a really nice point and you're focussed on one specific event, which is excellent.
You don't seem to have many grammar mistakes either, working in your favor.

However, it seems to me that you're arguing that University of Michigan is already a diverse school, so one more person (you) wouldn't add much to the community, but you'll take advantage of the university (able to discover and explore new cultures).

Remember, supplement essays need to convey why the university needs YOU, not why you need the university. Overall the essay is quite strong (and personal which is a plus), but your ending could be strengthened if you bring out the point why the university needs you. For example:

In addition to cultures of three different continents engraved in me(would be better if you name which countries), my knowledge of many other cultures through my personal experience would oontribute to the diversity of UM, an asset added to already a diverse school.

p.s. It is completely up to you whether to listen or to ignore my feedback :)
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Student Talk / What is more important? Common application essays or supplement essays? [9]

I have a mediocre common app essay and excellent supplement essays for all my universities. I didnt realise that everyone else wrote like 600+ words for the common essay (i wrote 446 words btw), when the minimum said 250 words. So i thought it had to be around 250-500, but i guess i was wrong.

Which is more important? common or supplement?
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Uchicago extended essay on someone or something that has had an influence on you [2]

Huaxin,

The general idea is good (paying attention to the scenery rather than just the destination). The idea isn't so childish, but it's been made childish in this essay.

I believe you're saying that your social environment and how you responded had an impact on you, but little is shown about this. Expand the paragraph when you changed (the easy way of living part).

Another thing is that there are too many paragraphs which can be joined together. Many paragraphs gives the readers a feeling of disconnection, which often is a negative aspect of the essay. 2nd and 3rd paragraph could be connected:

4th and 5th could be connected in a similar way too:

There are a few grammar mistakes, as you have pointed out. I'll come back to your essay and if no-one has posted something about grammar, i'll do so in 2 hours. Dinner time now :).

Just remember, bring out the part when you got changed a little more - that should be the focus of your essay.
z4evafoolz   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.) [7]

This is UChic extended essay!!!

Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)

Any feedbacks on this essay?

It was 2pm in Korea. School was over. There was rush-hour traffic in our school, with 450 students trying to escape the vibe of strictness caused by the teachers as quickly as possible. Unpleasant aroma tickled our sensory organs every possible moment in the toilets. There were fans, but no air conditioners to keep the atmosphere fresh. In winter, there were no heaters to make the students feel cozy and warm. Worse off yet, before and after school, a group of year 5 or 6 'naughties' (as us year 2 students called them), acting like street fighters, would always try and engage petty conversation with us year 1 or 2 innocent schoolboys and girls. Their point? Money. There was no escape for those poor schoolmates who were randomly targeted. Their pockets were emptied, and tears upon their faces were evidences of this cruelty. This is the environment in which I grew up.

I was able to avoid many of these ruthless senior-junior relationships because, over a long period of time, I developed a clever reputation of being the poorest boy of all times by not carrying any cash in my pockets. I did it purposefully so as to make my way home as less painfully as possible. It was a success.

One day, however, I received a birthday bonus from my grandparents: 5000won (Equivalent to $5 USD) in cash. Gladly, I took it and put it in my left side pocket of my one and only pair of jeans. Normally I would insert it in my piggy bank that I used so efficiently -- it summed up to 23,000won by the end of the year - but, in an attempt to recover from tiredness after the family party, I instantaneously fell asleep. Having forgotten I put 5000won in the pocket, I wore the same flashy, baggy jeans the next day.

I was really hungry that afternoon. My stomach grumbled at me. I had to please my irritated organ, and so I went into the rice cake shop and bought 4000won worth of rice bundle compacted into little cubes covered in brown bean powder. I opened the pack and transferred my nutrition onto my hands so as to allow fast consumption. One of the 'naughties' was there, with a rotten smile and threatening eyes. He came closer and closer to me, so close that I could feel his desire for a petty conversation. To settle the inconveniences caused in my stomach, I put one of the rice cakes in my mouth, and enjoyed the melting feeling in my tongue whilst the bean powders tinged the gustatory sensors. My stomach was producing acids already, ready to digest the chewy substance as soon as it gulped down my throat. It was a temporary heaven. I say temporary because when I opened my eyes, his deceptive eyes were inches away from my frightened ones. I turned around and ran like Arnold in The Terminator. I ran across the school field - the whole 100m in less than 15 seconds. For a 9-year old, that was impressive. I ran for a purpose. I had to keep whatever was on my hand to myself, just because I was hungry. The desire to eat outweighed the desire to escape from the year 5 'naughty'. I ran so fast that I couldn't feel my heart beating. In fact, my heart wasn't beating. I thought I had a heart attack, so I stopped for a second.

I had to consume one piece from my hand; my stomach ordered me to do so. Yet again, I enjoyed the smell, the taste, the touch and even the sight of it. I enjoyed every moment as I slid the squishy cake to the tip of my tongue. It was heavenly; it was food that I could never obtain because they were so expensive and my parents didn't realize how much I loved this type of rice cake (because it was my first time trying it). One of the seniors' hands brushed my back; I thought I was dead for a second, because losing the rice cakes on my hand would cause a tremendous inconvenience to the sensitive 9-year old stomach. My heart started beating again, this time at 220 beats per minute. I ran, not for the safety of my body, but for the sake of saving two pieces of square, compacted rice. This time it was with sticky, chewy, powdery thing in my mouth. Inhalation was thus impossible, because the bean powders would get into my trachea. I was so hungry that I couldn't throw away the last piece left on my hand. I looked behind for a brief moment and he was literally half a meter away from me, and I hadn't breathed for a while, enjoying even the slightest moment of gustatory pleasure.

The idea of having something in your mouth and running like Jerry (in Tom & Jerry) sounds like a scene from Mission Impossible. To a 9-year old, it was mission impossible. My legs were aching; 200m that I ran felt like 2km as a child. I didn't talk to my parents about this event, nor have I thought of it too deeply. To me, it was just an instinct. The desire to eat simply overruled the desire to escape from the 'naughty'. Now that I think about it, the determination to achieve the desire made the impossible mission possible.

What happened to me? I did get caught that day, by that 'naughty' I was talking about. I handed him the 1000won left in my pocket, but finished off the rice cakes before he chased me down. They were extremely delicious.

Thanks
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