Undergraduate / Transfer Essay to Fordham University [3]


1. you used 'figure' twise in one sentence. It would be better if you replace the second one with synonym, f.e decide or understand

2. If the second clause is preceded by an adverb, such as accordingly, besides, so, therefore or thus, and not by a conjuction, the semicolon is required. - Willyam Strunk Jr. The Elements of Style

3. Willyam Strunk Jr. The Elements of Style: In general, however, it is best, in writing, to avoid using so in this manner; there is a danger that the writer who uses it at all may use it too often. A simple correction... is to omit the word so, and begin the first clause with as:

As I had had a difficult time academically in high school, and thought that I would never be able to succeed in college, I figured out that the best thing to do was to give up.

While I resented the idea, I figured - again the same word - that taking classes would be better easier than working full-time; so I decided to enroll at Westchester Community College.

Looking back at it, I am so thankful that my parents pressuring me to attend college, - insert comma between independent clauses - and it just may just have been the best thing they have ever done for me.

I have not only learned in the classroom, but have also gained knowledge through extracurricular activities.

I liked your essay very much. Although there are minor mistakes with punctuation, the overall content is very interesting. I believe your inspiration and persistence will bring you new accomplishments. good luck :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: THE INTERNET - problems or information? 'most powerful media' [8]

Internet has becomes ..

Almost all people nowadays can access to - or can get access to - it without any help or assistance.

First of all, people are not more patient; they want an easy way to get information. - I think, it would sound better: ' Internet provides the quikest access to available information'.

There are a lot of sources of information, but theInternet can be considered as the easiest source to provide the necessary information needed

People have only to write their keys of research, and then the internet will research and give them the information they need.

On the other hand, - I think, the use of this phrase is inappropriate, as you supplement additional information to the pargraph rather than contradict it. - people do not have not to try other methods or alternatives to get the information as they did before. They do not have to go to the libraries and search for the information by reading books. They have not also to ask other persons about the information that they need. - you reiterate this phrase too often.

Another factor that makes the internet a good provider of information - there is no need for comma - is the diversity of the information

As we know , theweb sites are created by all kind of people, professional people, different background people, with different cultures and thoughts. - the structure of the sentence is incorrect. I changed it to: As we know , the web sites are created by different people - professional people and people with distinct cultural and academic background.

Therefore, the person seeking the information not only are provided by a huge amount of information but these information arewhich is different in most cases. - you used the word 'information' thrice in this sentence, and approximately 15 or 16 times in the whole essay. Such things are not welcomed in academic essays. may be, you ought to reconsider some sentences or use synonyms. - People here have a lot of choices of information that they need.

Some people believe that access to so much information can causes some problems. I think that too much information can cultivate people more and let them become more aware about what they need to know. - this paragraph is too short. You simply introduced the counter argument, but did not supported it; instead, you immediatly refuted it. This is not the right strucuture.

In conclusion, internet remains the first source of information. - it can be argued. In my opinion, the environment is the first source of information. Additionally, you did not mention it in your paragraphes - People who need to get a lot of information by easy way have to access to the internet. The diversity is also plays a major factor that makes the internet a good source of information. People have just to use their logic , reason and their experience to take the right information. - it is not relevant. Instead of the last sentence repeate the thesis statement once again, emphasizing your point of view.

good luck!

Graduate / SOP for MA in Art Ed. Explain your purpose for graduate study [7]

Monica, I see know that you used the word "fulfillment" as a synonym to satisfaction. Then, you used it correctly.

Essays / (Philmore Pty Ltd) Business Law Essay [4]

1. I think, you should first review the material that your teacher gave you before the assignment. Probably, he gave the question according to the stuff that you got over during the cource. If the teacher requires you to write grounded responce about Mr. Smiths position, that is to refer to legislation, then he should have provided you with relevant laws or references.

2. The rules of states are different, so it is a little hard to talk about the position of the client in current situation.

f.e violation of consumer rights is observed according to the legislation of my state. In this case Mr. Phoilmore makes public offer by displaying furniture in a show room, so he cannot refute buyer's offer to buy something, just because he is a disagreeable client. So, the consumer may complaint to court. The seller should explain terms and conditions of an agreement even if there is no written contract. If the client agrees, the agreement can take place. As Daniel says, much depends on the method of payment. F.e, if the payment to be made instantly, in cash, but a client does not have enough money, then the seller may refuse to sell.

In addition, if Mr. Phoilmore asserts the client to be slow to pay up, then he has to prove it. Unpaid bills or bills not paid in time for previous purchases can serve as proof. In any case the burden of proof lays on the seller.

Graduate / SOP for MA in Art Ed. Explain your purpose for graduate study [7]

Hi, Monica.

This seems to be your first thread here, so I want to welcome you. I have provided some comments on your essay:

Their teaching styles...

In the Art department

These teachers had a fire inside of them kindled by their passion for art. - I like your writing style

the philosophy of art...

Ideas such as: "Less is more" and "Art is a visual language" have guided me through many projects.

my future students...making them a more successful students

Possibly, leading them to find their own voice, and discover a career that can bring them fulfillment(fulfillment of what?). - the sentence cannot be written like this as it is lacking for a subject. Probably, you should adjoin it to the previous sentence using comma.

I believe that I am at a point in my life where I have the maturity and creative skills to teach. - I believe as well, because you could persuade me as a reader, but I think your conclusion is unfinished. It seems you need to add a sentence to create an impression of completeness.

Undergraduate / Cbest Essay on US becoming spectators. [7]

You are welcome! Hope they will help!

Undergraduate / Cbest Essay on US becoming spectators. [7]

You have many mistakes. I corrected some of them, but I am sure there are still some points that should be reviewed. Although I liked your reasons, the essay wholly looks unattractive, because a lot of word are repeated. Avoid reiteration, by using synonyms. Pay addition to sentence formation as well.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: All high school students should be required to study foreign languages [4]

Kevin and Djanat, thank you for your feedbacks. They really helped me. I drew relevant conclusions from your comments and will try to avoid such mistakes in the future. Regarding the final part of the essay, it worried me a lot. I felt that it was short, but couldn't find the way to improve it.

Writing Feedback / 'practice and hard work' - Successful sports professionals can earn huge money [3]

..famous and successful sports professionals are always on the top of the rich who earn a huge amount of money every year - more than people in other important occupations. It is always argued that whether or not athletes deserve with their huge incomes.

First of all, sport professionals practice and work very hard to achieve successes . It is not surprising that they earn a lot of money because they deserve it with their contribution and devotion to sport.

shirt deals, and even from their scandals

they fully deserve with their incomes

Writing Feedback / Society should ban all forms of the advertising - Essay for IELTS [3]

that advertising becomes inseparable part

Society does need an the advertising...

Society does need an advertising, but it is our responsibility

prohibited, because this kind of ads..

banned on in those countries

On the other hand, by advertising companies...
Thanks to ads, we learn about new products, we can compare them and choose what is it the best for us.

In order to promote the country's attractions

Writing Feedback / A Brief Essay on the Struggle of Coping with an Undiagnosed Eye Condition [3]

Truly absorbing and intriguing essay! It is written scillfully. You kept me interested throughout the essay. Thanks for sharing such a captivating writing. And I am glad that you overcame your problems successfully.

good luck with your further efforts!

Undergraduate / "I have no health insurance" - Transfer Essay E- Important Issue [12]

I am have my views...

I cannot afford annual checkups I cannot afford , preventative medical exams and dental cleanings.

Impressive essay! You have distinct style of writing.

Undergraduate / "I liked constructions of every kind"; Civil Engineering Academic objectives [5]

Hi, Tamara

I didn't find grammar mistakes, but I think that is short for Academic objective essay. Were there any requirements about how to write it? Probably, you should talk in separate paragraphs about your plans, the purpose of choosing this university, who and how influeced your decision and etc.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:living in the dormitories or in an apartment [5]

Sorry, I didn't read carefully directions to your essay. This is probably another type of toefl essays, that I am not familiar yet.

good luck with your studies!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: It is more important to work at a job that you enjoy... [5]

thanks both for suggestions!

Kevin, please advise me on some issues. What do you think of sentence structure and style of the essay? What do I have to improve besides grammar mistakes?

Graduate / 'petrol on the burning fire' - Statement of interest for graduation M-Engg program [14]

My name is Vikas Singh Minhas. I am from India. - proper names are wtitten with capital letters.

I came in Canada on July ,2009. Now, i decided I intended to take admission for M-Engg program in Ryerson university. I don't know how to start here but i have a kind of stuff in my basement - I think you can't say like this - to accept the challenges here.

My major interest for...
...and teaching methods related to engineering field.

Writing Feedback / "my best friend Lenka" - DESCRIPTION OF A PERSON [3]

she always says what she thinks. It can be useful sometimes . - why "sometimes"?:-) it is a positive trait. I wish all people around me had this feature of character.

Sometimes she tends to be stubborn; she never admits her fault. But she is stubborn only with her parents, but we have never argued. - this phrase seems unsuitable to its place. it looks segregated.

I liked your essay, very sincere writing.

Essays / How to write an essay about american history? [10]

sorry, I've made mistakes:-) I meant: "you have 3 day and you will complete your essay in time."

I continued searching and found new links. If you need them, I will provide links

Essays / How to write an essay about american history? [10]

i got only 3 days - don't panic, you got three days left! I am sure you would complete your essay in time. :-)

Andy, did you try to search in the internet? I typed "american diversity" and found:

specialcollection/special-collection-di versity.asp or worldandISchool.
search.asp?text=Diversity+Society

Regarding the plan of the essay, I would advise to place each question as a separate paragraph.

Hope, it will help. I am looking forward to your draft essay.

Writing Feedback / describing my friends (Putri) [4]

the essay is very short. I am sure, you have much to write about this girl since she is your friend.
enlarge the content by including additional descriptive sentences about her character and attitude to you and people surrounding her.

Writing Feedback / Essay:academic subjects and non-academic subjects. [2]

...may not be healthy...

...to waste an increasinga lot of money...

...if you have a good health...

Some people argue as if it is a general truth that young people nowadays are expected to succeed academically by just focusing on acadmic subjects butand ignoring non-academic subjects at school

Second of all,after lessons of academic subjects requiring so much concentration...

...you may have chance of to find out your gifted innate talent or your interest apptitude ...

In a word,non-academic subjects play a not less important role than are as important as academic subjects at schools.

Writing Feedback / Fatherhood should be considered as important as motherhood [3]

I would advise you to add one more reason to your essay to make it strong and rich in content.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:living in the dormitories or in an apartment [5]

Djanat, I suppose you should change a bit the structure of your essay. May be I am mistaken, because I have not taken a real toefl exam yet, but based on what I was told and what I read, toefl essay should not contain more than one opposite reason. The primary objective of each essay is to choose one side and use reasons, supporting ideas and examples to support your point of view. Readers are not concerned with your viewpoint, but they are interested in how you support it. You ought to persuade them, but sometimes contrary ideas may lessen the strengh of your supporting reasons and confound readers.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:living in the dormitories or in an apartment [5]

Nowadays, students who want to attend a university that is far from their hometown, have the possibility - I think "opportunity" will sound better - to live in the dormitories of the university or choose to live in an apartment in the community. Botheof the dormitories and the apartments have some advantages.

Some students live in the dormitory of the university, because the fees are lesser than those of apartments. - you may use singular form as well, but together with a relevant article - Especially, the students who do not have a financial support, they prefer to spend less money on the rent. As we know, students have a lot of expenditures, such as paying the tuitions of their courses, buying books, clothes and food. So they prefer to spend less in the housing.

Also the dormitory allows students to live - probably you mean this - near to the university. The student who lives in the dormitory has a direct access to the classes, to the library and to the administration. So they can avoid being late for their classes. They can stay for a long time in the library to study or make some researches without worry about transportation. -

In addition, some students prefer to live in university dormitories, because they think it is the best place for focusing in their study. They do not want to be interrupted by any thing that can prevent them from giving all their efforts in studying to study process. (NO EXAMPLES FOUND).- in my opinion, in dormitories students undergo distraction more often, since they usually occupy a room together with another student or students.

On the other hand, students who choose to live in an apartment in the community, think it is more advantageous than living in university dormitories. Even though it is more expensive to live in apartment, some students prefer to spends less in others fees .- on other stuff.- They prefer to pay more for the housing and live in a comfortable place, where they can do whatever they want. They can receive some guests, they can make a party with their friends, and they can cook by themselves.

Another advantage of living in an apartment is that the students are near close to other places in the community. They are near from close to the shopping centres, from to the museums, theaters and all famous places in the community. So they can reach the university and reach other places at the same time.faster - I think you ought to recast this sentence.

However, living in the apartment allows students to living a normal life. They want to mix pleasure with business. They want to study and live their lives without any pressure.

Personally, when I compare the different advantages of each choice, I prefer to live in an apartment in the community. I can live by my self or live with the person of my choice. I feel more comfortable in apartment because I can do whatever I want without any disturbance. If the price is the essence problem for this choice , I try to find a part time job with a well-paid wages, so I can live in an environment that allows me to be good inside of me, to do the best I can in my study and enjoy my life at the same time.

Even though the place where we live has a huge impact on the life of the students, students have to focus more in their studies and making the choice according to their financial capacity and their personalities. In the end, students have to focus more in their studies and give a less importance to those things.

- this paragraph is unnecessary, as you adhere to things that you did not mention in you essay.

Writing Feedback / Mohammad and Nour - help me my comparison/contrast essay [7]

You use "he or she" very often. May be you should try to rephrase your sentences, add transitional word to connect short sentences together. Sometimes you go to much into details describing eyelashs and similar things.

His eyes are large - what do his eyes tell to you about his character, mood and so on?

Does comparison/contrast essay require your opinion or attitude? Since I never practiced writing such type of essays, I have little to advise you about them. Reread your essay and think of the changes you can make. I am sure that other guys will also contribute to your writing with important comments.

Writing Feedback / Mohammad and Nour - help me my comparison/contrast essay [7]

Your essay merely states facts. It is written in very simple way with many grammar mistakes which make it boring to read.

Writing Feedback / Are people more likely to be productive/successful when they ignore opinions? [3]

...but can occasionally help pointing you in the right direction.
...words are affecting the readers, and these comments might include...- I think conjunction and is more relevant here, since you add an idea rather that introduce contrary one.

Another example would be is a cosmetic shop. The shop has some regular customers, who suggested that the newest line of perfume should be a little deeper. However, the shopkeeper thinks that the perfume is already too strong, and refuses to listen to the regulars. The regulars come less frequently, but the perfume has a success. In this case, not getting swayed by the customer's opinion is important as well.

However, believing in an opinion and not get affected by people's opinions is important too.- why?

I would like to know whether in SAT essays it is important either to support or reject the statement or you may stay not prejudised toward any particular side?

your reasoning seemed little weak to me; you should develop you point of view not only with examples but with supporting ideas as well.

Writing Feedback / Structuring essays for TOEFL and IELTS -01- Introduction paragraph [6]

Djanat, I don't know the answer to your second question, but regarding first one, I was advised by students who took a toefl classes and exams not to leave spaces between paragraphs. I should say that I haven't ever noticed spaces in sample toefl essays in books or other sourses as well.

Scholarship / The Changing Tourism Industry and How I Fit [5]

The success of the travel industry requires that individuals like myself -- unafraid of technological advances, culturally and linguistically agile.

I liked your essay, as I think that you adressed the topic. But it was a little hard to read becouse of your long and complex sentences.

However, it is well written.

Research Papers / Antidepressants: A physiological, behavioural, theoretical, and clinical review [5]

This is the third essay here that I consider to be very well written, even though it took me quite a long time to read and comprehend it, since the essay was abundant with medical terms of art, that were unfamiliar to me. Neverthless I read it all and, I should say, I liked it very much. By the way it gave me a lot of new information about antidepressants.

For example, in a meta-analysis of 96 trial s drug trials - this is the sole mistake that I found:-)

If all a person has to do to alleviate his/her depressive symptoms is to be told that a pill, which in reality is nothing more than sugar water, will treat his/her symptoms, and telling them does just that, then perhaps depression has more to do with personal attitudes and beliefs than genetics and molecular biology. Psychotherapy, then, which involves changing one's perceptions and attitudes, would seem to be a better approach to treating depression than antidepressants.

very interesting hypothesis, which deserves further elaboration.

I agree with Kevin that your point of view is not quite clear, as you mostly refer to various sourses. Since the largest part of your paper is devoted to harmful effects of antidepressants, it inclines me to repute that you are against their wide usage. Probably you ought to rewrite the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: People have too much free time nowadays. Do you agree or disagree? [4]

I see what you mean Kevin. This occurs because of my inattentiveness. Thank you for pointing it out. I will try to avoid doing such errors in my following essays, at least because like a woman in my example, I belong to feminine gender as well. :-)

Writing Feedback / Children of different abilities-teach students in accordance with their aptitude [9]

The last paragraph:
Given the above arguments, it is reasonable to conclude that if children are educated according to their natural abilities, their talent can be developed to the fullest and children will be benefit from it in their future development .

Scholarship / Why do you want to attend St. Bede academy? [4]

Many years ago I attended summer camp at your school, Math Camp with Mr. Tiger. I hadam eager to do a double take, since he seemed so bubbly & full of postive feedback toward the whole class. Lastly his sense of humor & abilty to make math fun wasso stirring thatto the pointby the time when the class was over I didn't want to leave.

I don't know what is the required minimum of words for this type of writing. Neverthless, it is very shot; may be you ought to add a few more sentences.

Writing Feedback / Children of different abilities-teach students in accordance with their aptitude [9]

I firmly believe that the latter opinion is better for them. - alternative or option

On the one hand, a diverse range of knowledge expanded from fundamental courses can be instilled into wise children in order to maximize their talent. On the other hand, teachers can put more attention on the comprehension of basic concept in terms of the other children to guarantee the minimum of syllabus.

There is no need to repeat the word combination "on the other hand". Moreover, if I understand correctly, these two sentences support your topic statement rather that refute, which makes the use of the mentioned phrase inappropriate. Insteas, you may use other transition words, such as in addition or furthermore

Confucius has said:' teach students in accordance with their aptitude.' The educational philosophy is adopted by offspring and verified as validity.

This quote should not be introduced at the end. It would better serve as a topic statement for your first paragraph.

Add more examples to assure the readers that your opinion is well supported.

[b]Given this argument, - which argument? If you mean the one about Confucius, then you do not take into account all the reasons that you stated above in paragraphes - it is reasonable to conclude that children should be educated according to their natural abilities. - conclusion is very short. list your reasons once more and repeat your viewpoint.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: The automobile is destroying our quality of life. [9]

I have placed a new one. Thanks in advance.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: The automobile is destroying our quality of life. [9]

thanks Enda.

My short sentences make the whole essay look simple, primitive. Because I currently improving my vocabulary and grammar I try to use more sophisticated word and form longers sentences. with short sentences my essay does not resemble the academic one and as you, probably, know toefl essay is an academic essay.

As you mention I have only two main points for, because all books about toefl essays advise to choose two or maximum three main ideas and develop them, so that total number of paragraphes must not exceed five.Also, I should say, that when writing essay few ideas come into my mind. This is my main problem. I cannot manage to write for 30 minutes

But, neverthless, I appreciate your input and looking forward for your further comments!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: government should spend as much money as possible on social issues [7]

The topic was: Some people think that government should spend as much money as possible on developing space technology for the exploration of the moon and other planets. Others think that this money should be spent on solving the basic problem of the society. What do you think and why?

Where can I get this book?