Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]

Oh, one more thing.

I thought if you study psychology (a social science), you become a psychologist.
If you study psychiatry (a medical science), you become psychiatrist.

Psychology = study of the psyche
Psychiatry = study of the psyche w.r.t. the anatomy of the brain.

So what do you want? Some interdisciplinary stuff...

Mind clarifying that?

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]


That's fine, but it's not enough. What's the word limit? If you have some space then elaborate a bit.


I think I agree with your friend. Too many metaphors can be annoying.
But I didn't mean that when I said "something original". I meant, can you give a unique vision of your future? By future, I mean your life at UF. Actually, this part should be an extension of the "reflection" part (At least, I think so).


I'd love to, but not now. I'm waist deep with my grad school app essays. I just come here whenever I'm out of ideas or too bored.

Anyway, maybe I'll read the other one tomorrow :)

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]

Hello Emily!

First of all, I've got to say that I really enjoyed your essay. Your theme is very clear, and I think a lot of people, including me, can connect with it. All of us have given up something to be good at some other thing.


I loved this part.

Anyway, here are a couple of points you should consider.

was comforted when I reminded myself that my reasons justified the action of quitting -- "Action" may be correct, but I think "act" sounds nicer. What do you think?

Did you fully address the prompt? Where is part where you are supposed to reflect on how your experience will affect your college life?

I also think your concluding sentence is weak. Can you think of something original?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / UT Topic A -- Influential Person (My Parents) [6]


Are you sure about the punctuation here? I think the semi-colon should be a comma, and the exclamation should be a full stop.

I felt that your essay was too much about you and too little about your parents.
You devoted just one paragraph describing the influences of your parents. I'd like to see a bit more.
Moreover, your second paragraph kept reminding me of an altogether different prompt -- the one that goes, "Describe an obstacle...how you overcame it..."

That was the criticism.

I liked your start. You also set the theme of the essay very early on -- which is good. I didn't see any more grammatical errors either.

There goes your good ol' flattery. (It was honest though...haha...)

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Don't feel "compelled" to change that :D
Let's see what others have got to say. (You know what, I think this contributor status scares off some members. They probably think we are better than we actually are)


I don't know.
The word "life" confused me. What does "redolent of life" mean? (Don't take it too seriously though. I'm not a very perceptive reader)

Undergraduate / Class President uncovers school scandal essay. [3]

There is some problem with the flow. The second paragraph comes out suddenly.

You used too many words describing the scenario in the second paragraph. Get to the point.

I'd add another sentence to the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]


This is a boring start.


It's not nice to make an assertion so early on.


I don't mean any offense, but it sounds like you're bragging a bit.


Okay, these are pretty overused sentences. Moreover, they are vague and generic.


This one is irrelevant.


Here, you start to make sense. But I'd still prefer something even more specific. What do you want to do with a degree in chemical engineering? Do you have a plan? What is the profession you'd like to join after you graduate?

I may have been harsh, but as a chemical engineer myself, I thought I should help out a budding chemeng.
Read the prompt again. Where is the engineering idea you're supposed to introduce? It should be the theme of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Environemtal problem, to inculcate a sense of genuine commitment [4]

Hello Yingjing!

The next time you post an essay, don't forget to include the prompt.


"carbon dioxide" -- No capitalization is required.


Although, I got your point, I think this is a complicated sentence.

people concerned about the headache of global warming


I'm not sure about this sentence. It's not proper to introduce a new idea in the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Looks better than the last one, but I didn't like this part -- "I was compelled..."


What do you mean by this? I can't seem to connect this part with the first sentence.


It's not incorrect, just informal.
In India we'd say Gandhiji's Salt March to Dandi. But you don't have to use the "ji".


I agree. Maybe, that's why they like weird students. :)

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]


I think you should keep only the second sentence. Just remove the word "really".


This sentence doesn't seem necessary.


There is something wrong with this sentence. I couldn't come up with a suggestion.

I think the conclusion needs some work. It seemed a bit sudden to me.

Undergraduate / "The Unlikely Candidate": Give background; collegiate ambitions; why this college [3]


"Next generation" is a very broad term. It would be better if you just say, "...and that of my child/children".


I would elaborate a bit on paralegal studies.


I didn't like this sentence. It just seems like banal flattery. You can definitely write a better sentence.


I don't know why, but I like this sentence a lot.

Good luck! Your essay was weirdly motivating.

Writing Feedback / CBEST essay (Hiking and camping): Memorable childhood experience [3]


Don't repeat the prompt.
You can start like -- Some events have the power...

Hiking and camping with my parents for athe first time when I was young was one such positive experience

I was a ten-year-old kid at the time


"Nearby" is one word.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Note the red ones.
Irrespective of which one you choose, you should be specific. "Helping humanity" is an overused and vague phrase. Think for sometime, and I'm sure you'll come up with a better one. You must have had a few significant experiences which motivated you to pursue psychology. Think about those, and write a sentence about one of them.


Yep, I think so.


Actually, I won't use the word "eccentric" as it is often used pejoratively. The rest is fine.


Did you use "redolent" correctly? I thought it's used like "breathing in the air redolent with _____"


"Historic is usually used to describe something that is so important that it is likely to be remembered: Today is a historic occasion for our country.

Historical usually describes something that is connected with the past or with the study of history, or something that really happened in the past: I have been doing some historical research.ÇWas Robin Hood a historical figure?"

[Source: Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary]


It's actually called "Salt March to Dandi" or simply, "Dandi March".

Why do they ask all these questions? All these make the entrance exams in India look a whole lot nicer.

Graduate / MS in Banking and Finance SOP (too generic? any inconsistencies?) [4]


This is a needless assertion. Just concentrate on yourself; forget the others.


Okay, this looks nice, but what is the purpose of including this? Is this supposed to be a "hook" or something? Frankly, for me, it was a distraction.


I agree. I've used that observation in one of my essays too, although, the usage and context were quite different.


Yes, this is generic.


Why don't you elaborate a bit?

You have a cool writing style. Revise and this essay will come out great. :)

Undergraduate / Music: elaborating on an extracurricular-feedback! [3]

Instead of using the first sentence, I'd start the essay with "I started violin lessons at age four."
It would give an interesting start. It would also make the second sentence look nicer, which right now seems a bit cumbersome.


a vague phrase.


I'm not sure, but did you use the word "ensemble" correctly here? I mean, grammatically?
I don't know a lot of grammar; maybe, that's why it seemed a bit weird to me.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Biochemical Engineering (only the intro) [6]


It's cool then, I guess.


Okay, I see. I'll work on that.
By the way, I WAS animated in that discussion, but I totally get your point.

Thank you both :)

Undergraduate / "Over-ambitious procrastinator" or how to start my commonapp essay? [6]


It's the same in India. You wouldn't believe if I told you what practices take place in the rural areas. This is the reason why sex determination was banned in India.


These should be capitalized, like this -- Jhumpa Lahiri, The Namesake and Unaccustomed Earth.


This one is an unnecessary sentence.


Can you write these two sentences in a better way? I mean, can you specifically say what is the most interesting aspect about Jacobs?

her MBBS programme that she's now studying Architectarchitecture

Samridhi, you have written a nice essay. You just need to condense it. Cut some additional stuff out. Look for ideas you have repeated.

I can empathize with your situation. I've seen a lot of incidents like that.

I hope you get admitted, and find "samridhi" in your life. :)

Undergraduate / Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay. [6]

Wow! I don't think I've read a better essay on this forum. This is very impressive.

Just one thing:
The prompt says, "...a significant experience...".
I might be wrong, but I think it means "one" significant experience. You, however, are describing the overall experience of being in M.U.N.

IMO, it would have been better to talk about one particular experience you've had in M.U.N.
Again, this is just my opinion. You can disagree.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Biochemical Engineering (only the intro) [6]

Thank you, Maria!! :)


Haha...you're doing just fine.


Thanks for clearing that confusion. I've been unsure of that for a while.


Actually, I was wondering about the conversation part -- the direct speech and stuff.


Hahaha...:D :D

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


No, not at all. At least, I have no problem. I actually like it the way you've written it.

I'm not sure about others though.

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


I don't hear laughter after watching movies like "The Blair Witch Project" or "Saw". Of course, if the bad guy has a really chilling or stupid laugh...

Do you get what I'm implying? You just need to tweak the sentence slightly.


Instead of all those words, you could have used just four. -- I like "ABC" movies (ABC = genre).

love at age eleven with Nemo, Marlin, Dory, and their underwater world along with everyone else


I don't like the simile. I also think there is something wrong with the sentence. I can't seem to point out where.

You don't seem to stick with the conventions of paragraphing. Despite that, I enjoyed reading this essay. It has a nice theme...good luck!

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: The intellectual benefits of attending a university or college are vast [3]


You haven't even mentioned your arguments. So how can the reasons be "obvious". The introduction needs some work.


The second part of the sentence is confusing. I couldn't come up with a suggestion. Can you clarify it?

Oh, I see, what you're trying to say. Do you mean to say that some people may lose their focus on the other subjects if they only concentrate on their interests, and hence, these people should choose the self study option?

^^Whatever maybe the case, you are not being clear.


This is another one I didn't understand.

The majority of people would find a four-year education from university or college is essential forto their success.

First of all, a university or college

lots of experienced instructors who do not only give knowledge,

Use the indefinite article 'a' while using the singular form of university. Like this -- a university or college

Writing Feedback / GRE-The arts reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society. [7]

I think you need a comma here
social phenomenon, and the purpose of the social arts

This classification may sounds very abstract

Some examples will beare given below.

concert in 1824, he turned to writing

Here it should be a semi-colon
he was very poor and he is badly ill; his artworks involved his own emotions and feelings obviously that common people hardly understand understood
^^Don't switch from past to present tense in the same sentence.

impulses of a society but sometime not always.

This is a good essay. I liked the ideas you presented. You also substantiated them properly. Just look out for those grammar errors. Otherwise, a job well done.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Hey this looks good.
You have an amazing vocabulary. I had to check the dictionary quite a few times.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be "tones ".

The last paragraph seems excellent -- it's very specific.


That's a really cool phrase :)

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Yep, pretty much :)

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


Haha...that didn't help much, did it?
Actually, the one I've posted here is not for any specific university. It's just a template of sorts which I mold according to the university I apply.


Both. How can I explain this? Let me try...

You are applying for course A, and you want a career in B. Now the course A being taught at the university has something unique. It's so unique that it will give your career of B, a definite edge. In your case, let's say A is computer engineering, and B is music composer.

Did you understand anything? I'm really bad at explaining things :(

Graduate / I am confident that, if admitted, I will be an asset to the class of 2012 - ISB essay [3]


Don't start essays with assertions. Build your arguments such that you make the readers conclude themselves that you will be an asset.


Like what? Mention a few.


This is a vague phrase. Be specific!


Don't leave the reader guessing. Elaborate a bit.

Okay, you seem to be a good writer. I couldn't spot any grammatical errors. But you need to work on the aforementioned points. You made a lot of claims and left most of them unsubstantiated. You also need to work on the organization of the essay. Those one line paragraphs don't look nice.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


Yes, that's a good point. I didn't think about that one.
Eugene, your prompt is very much like the ones they give for grad school admissions. Read some grad school essays. Those applicants generally need to mention very specific reasons for attending a particular university. That should give you some hint on how you can answer the question you mentioned.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Hmm...I got the feeling that your research was not thorough enough.

You use the first two paragraphs making the same point, i.e. you want a place to combine both your passions. So you don't really talk about Stanford until the last paragraph.

Here you use weak phrases like "friendly environment" and "grand aspiration".

I would suggest you to include something that only Stanford students know, and not something you can easily find out on the web. Did you contact any current or ex-students?

I guess I'm being a bit harsh, but that's only because you write so well. You can definitely do a lot better.

Good luck!!

Graduate / working as a Games Programer - SOp for MSc [3]

I'm totally confused. What course do you intend to pursue, MSc Games Designing or Fine Arts?

In either case, first you need to make lists of your goals, achievements, and experiences. This list should be exhaustive. You can include even the most trivial details. Don't think anything is unimportant.

The next step is to carefully select only those aspects from these lists which will be relevant to your application. It's a bit like writing a resume for a particular job, which you probably know as you've been working. Then think of a theme, something you want anyone who reads your essay to remember.

Oh, I forgot. You also need to thoroughly research the university and the department you are applying. This will give you an idea of what types of students the university wants.

After all this boring stuff comes the writing part.

Start with why you are interested in the field you have chosen to pursue.

Oops, I have to go. Why don't you take a look at some of the SOPs in this forum? They'll give you the general picture of what an SOP should look like.

Writing Feedback / leader you think is important [9]

I can't help it this time.
Vaishali, why do you always misspell Kevin's name?

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]


Oh, I see. As I've implied before, I don't know much about undergrad stuff.

I have written one essay for the Rhodes Scholarship. It's "slightly" similar to Questbridge as its purpose is to select students for admission to Oxford. While writing it I tried very hard to not make it sound exactly like my SOP. So I researched a lot about the scholarship, and wrote it in a way which brings out my those qualities which they look for in a student. In other words, I tried to "tailor it to fit the scholarship".

Does that help?


I know what you mean. I'm in the same situation. I'm thinking about applying to universities of at least three different countries. So that makes my university count quite large.

I find grad school essays easier though. At least, they don't carry annoyingly vague prompts.

Undergraduate / You must always face the curtain with a bow-Theatre and it's effect on me. [4]

the girl in front of me
Wow! I loved that intro!

a lot of courage to performing onstage

This is an excellent essay! The only part where I think you digress slightly is the second paragraph -- the part where you talk about how you all got together.

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

If you have time then write a new one. I've never written undergrad application essays, but from my experience of writing to grad school, I can say that every school is different in its own way. Consequently, they look for students who are fit for their environment. Hence, each essay must be tailored to fit the school.

If you have time, that is :)

Undergraduate / "I am determined that I can make a difference" - 2010 UCF ESSAY [4]

I think you need a semi-colon here
...Future Business Leaders of America; this allowed me to move on to the Florida State Leadership...

As an individual , I believe it is extremely important...


I would not include this part. There is no need for an assertion here.


This is a confusing sentence. Are you talking about the clubs, or your whole academic experience?

I think you can work on your third paragraph. Try to make it sound more like an essay and not like a CV. Concentrate more on what you learned and less on what you did.

You do sound like an extremely qualified candidate. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'holding the title of alchemist, troubadour or even a shaman' - SAIC Artist Statement [6]

I didn't understand your question. Do you want to know what is the approximate word limit of an SOP for SAIC?

Well, usually SOPs tend to be around 1-2 pages in length, or 500 - 1000 words.

In my opinion, you should contact the school before you take anyone's advice. If you search their website properly, you'll probably find the contact details of the admissions coordinators or others in similar positions. Call or email them, and specifically ask these things.

Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]

afflicted by loneliness -- I'm not sure about this, but I think it should be "with".

cursed me with paranoia -- this is a very strong word. Are you really implying this, or did you just choose it for the effect?


"Trustworthy" seems redundant here. Friends are supposed to be trustworthy, otherwise they are not friends. I think I understand why you used it though. If you want to keep it, you may include the word in quotes, like this -- new "trustworthy" friends.

This is a good essay. You write well.

One more thing -- I have seen a lot of people who are not friends with their roommates. So what would you do if your roommate is an extreme introvert and doesn't like friends?

^^ This is not important. Just some additional food for thought.

Undergraduate / "our democracy", Common Application Essay - Responding to a quote [5]

First of all, I'll give you a personal opinion. I don't like essays which start with rhetorical questions. I think it is a very cheap way of attracting attention.

The first sentence of the second paragraph seems a bit disjointed from the rest.


I like this sentence.

Research Papers / Technological Advances are good for people's jobs. Do you agree? [3]

Did you try to find anything on the internet?

Google this: Impact of technology on jobs.

I found the following links which you might find useful.

hbswk.hbs.edu/archive/4240.html
ourcivilisation.com/signs/chap7.htm
ftp. jrc.es/pub/EURdoc/eur20131en.pdf