Undergraduate / "I am the master of my fate + Communication technology" - Brown Supplements [5]

I do not claim to know what I want to do in the future, but I want to pave my path with my own decisions and choices by taking full advantage of the academic independence offered at Brown. This seems a bit wordy.

... such as cell phones and computers.andW ith innovations like email, online chatting, and texting, r elationships have followed suit. M any now interact through ...

Your responses were fine. I like the first one, but the second one left me a bit confused. I'm not quite sure what sociology has to do with new forms of communication, unless there's a specialized sociology stream at Brown for it.

Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

Lets just hope we make it out with out eyebrows.Without eyebrows?

I think you're rewrite is much better. A couple of things, there doesn't seem to be a connection with your second paragraph and the last one. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "my art will hang in every major art museum in the world"- something to know about me [3]

but for me it does much for my soul.This seems awkward to me.

What is my garage turns into a studio and the easel not only supports my painting but also my dream of becoming famousThis doesn't make sense.

Sometimes, it is painful

I invite those people to fill my shoes for one dayAwkwardly phrased

Sure art may not be a financially safe career. But who cares."Art may not be a financially safe career, but I don't care.

I liked it. Good job, just a few minor errors. You don't seem to have any transitions from one paragraph to the next, so your thoughts seem very scattered. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

Any directions you give me will be futile, so be sure to leave your phone charged so that when I call, panicking because I'm totally out of place or in a bad part of town, you will be able to provide life support for my broken internal compass.Run on sentence.

I like it. Very nice transitions, everything makes sense. I'm getting a sense of who you are, but I don't know, this seems like a generic answer to me. Like I kind of wish you put something that I wasn't expecting, like a quirky and interesting quality. I mean, it's fine the way it is now. Just my two cents. A few minor tweaking needs to be done, like the ones I mentioned above. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Chopsticks and Vietnamese Opera" - College of William and Mary [11]

First thing, never use brackets. I read, it I think it's cute and very original. The only thing is I don't know how this relates to you as a person. Yes, chopsticks are a part of most Asian culture, but how does that relate to you as a person? Does using chopsticks bring you closer to your Asian roots or has learning how to use chopsticks taught you patience or dedication? I don't think you should change your essay too much, because I do like it, but less humour and just make it a bit more personal. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Death of a friend" or "International student experience" Essay topics for common app [3]

For school specific essays, their website is always a good place to start to look for reasons. Just remember to put your own individual spin on it.

It just depends on what topic you think you can write better about. The death of a friend is always a personal topic and some might be able to properly articulate their feelings and it's impact. Your experience as an international student, I would say is the safer bet. Again, it's ultimately your decision. You can probably write both essays and just see which one you like best.

I don't know if that's possible seeing how this is a public forum. You're best bet would be to email the mods themselves, I guess.

Undergraduate / "Delegate of Japan, you have the floor." - activities Common App Short [6]

was, but I did my best and did extensive research beforehand.This sounds awkward to me. I think you should keep it, but just rephrase it.

My determination proved worthwhile: My resolution was passed and I was nominated "best delegate."This seems like it was just thrown in there.

It's getting better. I'm finding out more about you. I feel like you have dedication to anything you do, you're open-minded, and willing to change. Great, colleges love that type of stuff. Just a few minor tweaks and this could be great. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Biology is beautiful; biology is deadly." - Johns Hopkins - Why Biology [9]

[Moved from]: Biology, UPenn Academic/Research/Extracurricular paths

It works. I guess my only concern is you're spending a lot of time focusing on one point of the prompt, the academic. If you can keep what you currently have and spend some time working on the EC part then it should be a good essay. Good luck!

Undergraduate / how editorship helped me discover career goals - UW prompt [3]

I'm known to take on the most Mount Everest-like tasks, because I love being directive and shouldering a great deal of responsibility.For some reason, this sentence is very off-putting to me. I kind of feel like you like being in charge, but "directive" makes you seem kind of bossy.

During the summer before this year, the newspaper staff went to a "journalism camp" at Central Washington University. Nerdy? Certainly. lol cute. Definitely keep this.ButHowever, it was incredibly beneficial. The learning section I signed up for was "editorial leadership". This seems a bit wonky to me. Try rephrasing. I realized, hey...I get to be the boss. It soon became much more than that. That session showed me how I could make something my own. The paper became me, my baby, and my passion. I scribbled volumes of notes of my goals and ideas and thoughts and inspirations you overused the word "and" here. Try commas. at the camp.

cohesively. ButHowever what ended up interesting

There's the actual layout of the page done on Adobe InDesign (which takes hours and hours longer than you think it will...goodbye sleep), there's editing others' stories, there's contacting local businesses for advertisements, there's planning the production schedule for the whole year around life stopping, earth-shattering high school events like prom, there's brainstorming ideas for stories, there's making very important decisions.Don't use brackets. And hey there run-on sentence. lol, shorten it up.

This is what has shown me I'm interested in business and entrepreneurship; I like planning, organizing, testing, execution, and reaping the results.

It's a good essay. Personally, the last paragraph shouldn't even be there. I think the whole "accomplish more and knowledge" thing is a conclusion, kind of. lol, it obviously can be better written, but use that as a starting point and just go from there. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "a volunteer program at a care center of mentally disabled" extracurricular activity [3]

In the last spring semester, I attended This doesn't seem much of an intro. Like it doesn't really grab my attention like it could.

So nice was the writing that I even desired to print it down and take it away with me.

something astonishing happenedat the free communication part.

This is great. Short and sweet. It shows that you're able to change the way you think and colleges love that. Great job, just a few minor things I outlined above. Good luck!

Undergraduate / UIUC - Tennis is my life and my main sport. [6]

All this year in my life tennis was my main sport.This needs to be a stronger intro

But there was one thing that hindered me from becoming a better tennis player. I received the genetics from my father, which was being born as a flat feet.This sounds a bit awkward. Try "However, there was one thing that hindered me from becoming a better player, genetics. My father and I both have flat feet." Or something like that.

It was a difficult task to overcome the pain, since none of my friends on the tennis team were flat feet;Use either "were flat footed" or "had flat feet"

An inspiring figure supported me to overcome the pain of being flat feet.Again use either "being flat footed" or "having flat feet"

His name was Park Ji Sung, a great South Korean soccer player, currently in Manchester United.

Flat feet are a reliable gift to me.Kind of confused by this sentence. If playing with flat feet are painful, how are they reliable? Perhaps use a different word.

I was reading the this and I was like "alright good job, sounds good- wait." You kept talking about Federer and Park Ji Sung and I think this needs to be more about you. I get that they inspired you, and you should totally keep that, but make it a bit more about you.

Undergraduate / "Art is my Life"-Autobiographical essay for Buffalo state [2]

the competition for the state-wide high school directory cover.

Realizing I want to make art for a living has brought me - This should really be "I realized that...

my parents don't consider art-making as a career. - art-making sounds weird. Try "...don't consider art as a viable career."

My mom displays a vague interest when ever I try to show her my work, and my dad supports me in my career choice but only because he knows I can't imagine myself doing anything else. You went from past to present tense. Use one tense.

This is a really good beginning. Some minor tweaking is required, but not much. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Delegate of Japan, you have the floor." - activities Common App Short [6]

It was challenging, as many delegates were far more experienced than I was (this was my second MUN) Don't use brackets. Try "It was a challenge for a second year MUN delegate as myself, as many other participants were far more experienced than I was."

I could not have been more pleased with myself when the conference ended: not only did my resolution pass, I was also nominated (although I did not win) "best delegate." Again, no brackets. Use a semi colon instead of a colon. Actually just get rid of the brackets and the statement in them as long as you keep the nominated part.

I'm going to assume that you're going for a political major, right? Your short answer doesn't really say anything about you as a person. I know the prompt is to elaborate on an activity or hobby, but think about it this way. Chances are the app already includes that you're on your school's MUN. Admissions counsellors already know or at least get the gist of what happens during one of those events. The question is there for you to give your own personal twist to it that showcases your personality and the type of person you are.

Undergraduate / "to prove myself at the apex of academics" Why Brown [4]

I like version B better, but honestly you need a better introduction. Most admissions counsellors don't want to hear that you're applying to their school because of it's Ivy League status. Plus you said "privileged elite", there's just some things you shouldn't say. It seems to me the only reason why you're applying to Brown is because it's an Ivy League and that's just so off-putting. I don't mean to be mean or harsh, but that's just what it seems like to me. I think you should go for more of Brown, the school for me, not just Brown, the Ivy League school. Also re-reading your conclusion, you didn't really conclude anything. It just kind of ended. Good luck.

Undergraduate / Activity, interest, experience, or achievement in your life -- FAMU Essay [2]

Taking a chance can change your future. This doesn't seem like a strong enough intro. Don't get me wrong, it's intriguing, but I feel like it's been used before. In February 2010, I got my first job at the local "Red Elephant Pizza & Grill", one that I still have to this day.I don't think this is needed because it's probably already on your app. I applied for the job at the age of 16, not expecting to be hired. After I got a call back right away, and a successful interview, I was offered my first job. This job experience has been particularly meaningful in my life and has truly helped me learn and grow. I have made the most of my time there since, working to make my way up the corporate ladder. I currently work as a table busser and a dishwasher, and my work must be done in a quick, safe, and efficient manner. I also look forward to moving up in the restaurant as my managers continue to see the potential in me. These two sentences seem awkward to me. The first sentence is because I think you're job is already in your app. However, I think you should keep the whole "efficient thing. Just rephrase it. The second one its just phrased awkwardly. Just rephrase it and it'll be fine.

Since I have been there, I have been able to see how a business works and how the facility is run. It is much different being behind the scenes, and doing the work rather than receiving the benefits of it as a customer. Everybody must work together to make everything work right, and that is one thing I have learned well there - teamwork. The feeling of accomplishment and experiences I have gathered in the short time I have been there are ones I will remember for my entire life, and there are many more experiences to come.

It's a good start. There are some things that need to be tweaked, but it's good so far. I'm not getting a personal experience from you. I kind of feel like you're just listing things, but not really explaining it. Good luck.

Undergraduate / Press Play - life with a video player setting (Hopkins Supp) [11]

lol, no prob. I feel that if I commented on something and the person still needs help after that, it's kind of the right thing to do. I don't think your intro needs any work. Although you could try to incorporate both tennis and volunteering in it without making it obvious, you know what I mean. Like "fast forwarding through the pain (tennis, because you and I both know, long hours playing tennis is painful the next day) and skip to happily ever after (blood donor, you know saving lives)" or whatever. Something like that, but obviously written better. Perhaps, use the "tennis is my battery" line as part of your conclusion as why you would continue to do it in college. And the "volunteering is engraved in me" is kind of self-explanatory as why you would continue it. Good luck!

Undergraduate / To become a CAD Designer: Writing a personal admission eassy for digital school [3]

I think you should compile all your answers into an essay. Just try to write it, even though essay's aren't your strongest point. I mean, without a rough draft, it's kind of hard to help you.

Undergraduate / Press Play - life with a video player setting (Hopkins Supp) [11]

You're conclusion is a bit cheesy. I would love the opportunity to continue to record the remaining tape of my life at Johns Hopkins University to keep serving up aces and put on my sticker of life. When you used it as an intro it was original and piqued my interest. However, when you used it as a conclusion, it just kind of fell flat for me.

Tennis and volunteering are activities that I won't be able to let adrift after high school. I like this because it makes your ambitions clearer, but there's something awkward about where it is. I don't know why I find it weird, but I just do. Sorry, I couldn't be clearer with that. Your edited version is better and clearer than your original. Good luck.

Undergraduate / Intellectual engagement, Common Good, Connection to Place - Bowdoin [4]

Well the first one you can write about a class you really enjoyed or just anything about learning. Maybe if you have a job, that'll help since most people learn things in a job. Or maybe you can talk about your friends because most learning happens outside of the classroom. The second one, you can obviously write about a volunteer experience. For a more original twist, you can write about music. That is if you play anything because music helps people deal with things they can't really talk about. The third one can be about your childhood home, car, school, or whatever and write about what makes it special to you. Personally, I would go for the third one because if written properly, it shows personality and it's more about you then anything else. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Stereotyped beliefs or Foreshadow defeat - the amherst college supplement [4]

It depends. For the first prompt, do you think stereotypes exist? If you do, how do you think they'll affect the person? Have you ever been stereotyped? How did it feel? How does one overcome a stereotype? For the second prompt, most people have faced something difficult. What did you face and how did you overcome it? There's also the argument of of hard work vs. having it handed to you. Does it feel better to work hard at something or just get because...? Good luck!

Undergraduate / MIT-Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun (250 words) [12]

Out of the two? I like the first one. But, honestly, the Taylor Swift statements seem a bit awkward to me. Maybe try "Sometimes on a good day, I let loose and sing out Taylor Swift lyrics, like any other carefree teenage girl." Or something like that.

Undergraduate / I have discovered my passion for cheering -activity, interest, experience,achievement [2]

Yeah! A fellow cheerleader! Sorry, anyways to your essay.

It's been six years since I have discovered my passion for cheering. Perhaps talk about what drew you to cheerleading in the first place?

Although there are times you get punched, kicked and bruised and you feel like quitting, the thrill of cheering and dedication pull you back. When you commit to the sport of cheering the will to go on makes you stronger. Cheerleading is a team sport and takes alot of heart and determination. I think you used the words cheering and cheerleading too much here.

There are many obstacles you go through to obtain a certain skill level. One level of training is tumbling. This seems like it could be phrased better.

The ability to tumble is mind over matter. When I focus and let my mind take over, I become successful and tumbling becomes effortless. I also motivate myself to overcome the fear of falling with determination. -love this

I practice my jumps and tumbling until I see improvement so that I can prepare myself to help teach the other cheerleaders the techniques to become a level four all star cheerleader. I don't think you need to tell them that you practice, it's kind of a given in any sport. I think you should keep the teaching others part because admissions counsellors love to see leadership.

My cheerleading team is like family, we support each other in our stunt groups, we having social functions to bond the team together and we do community service to help others outside of our family circle. Try phrasing this differently. It seems kind of pedestrian as of right now.

CHEER means: Competitive, Heart, Energy, Excitement and Responsibility. In All Star cheerleading you have adrinaline and thrill when you are on the floor to compete. That competitive spirit is what you need to have an astonishing team. Having the heart to tumble and the assurance your teammates will catch you after your stunt requires reliance. In order to compete, you need a wealth of energy, confidence and excitement to keep the crowd immersed. Cheering is a big responsibilty, each training session requires different levels of expectation. The years of cheering have been very meaningful to me because I've met alot of friends, I've helped and encouraged a lot of teammates, and improved my skills all because of my interest and dedication to the sport of cheering.

It's good, but it could always be better. You had some very nice transitions, but the introduction and conclusion was kind of weak. For the introduction, you just kind of went "passion for cheerleading", like there wasn't any kind of build-up you know? The conclusion feels, to me, that it can be used as another point in your essay. It's not really a conclusion. You talked a lot about having dedication and being a leader, something that colleges love, so good job with that. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Press Play - life with a video player setting (Hopkins Supp) [11]

I liked it. Very intriguing introduction. I personally thought you were going for a video game club or some sort of RTF thing. The whole thing is a little unclear to me. So you're going for tennis and volunteering while at Johns Hopkins, right? I think you should make that a little more clear.

Undergraduate / "my thirst for originality, diversity and freedom" - what makes Stanford a good place [4]

I have always been willing to pioneer my own education and enhance my uniqueness, but the circumstances did not let me to do so.- you started from present tenses to future to past tense here.

Since the declaration of specific major does not begin until the junior year, I would be able to have a good taste of each field of studies offered before choosing the most suitable major.- I think you should get rid of this because most schools offer students to apply undeclared then choose a major.

lolz, gibbers. I think you should change that to something a bit more professional. This is good. I think you should elaborate on the whole drumming thing. It would help you stand out better, I would think. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "public drama performance" Notre Dame-time when you have surprised others or yourself [4]

However, I overcame this mental barrier and acted out the roles in my best ability.- How did you overcome the barrier? I think you should elaborate on this.

My parents and friend were shocked by my radical transformation on the stage and most of them praised me for my professionalism.- Did your parents not know what you were playing, did they mock you, or what? There's not a lot details about what you had to overcome.

I think you should rewrite this. There's not much that says anything about you as a person.

Speeches / ''How would you face the next century, with 'Hope' or 'Pessimism'?'' Points on Hope. [3]

Well, I guess hope is sometimes the only thing that keeps someone going. In a world where pessimism rules, someone with hope is always a breath of fresh air. Hope is what made our society what it is. If people didn't have hope for a better world, maybe we wouldn't have human rights or maybe we would still have racism. I mean we still do, but you know what I mean.

People live and thrive on hope. Pessimism just flounders and dies. Depression takes a lot of lives(you should probably check some stats for this) each year. You can also go on LGMH of GMH or anything website like that. There are many heart warming stories on there. Good luck!

Undergraduate / The Cape doesn't make the Superhero.: Admissions Essay (250 words) [5]

Aww this was cute. I'm a dancer too! Anyway, back to your essay. I like how you teach kids to dance and therefore boost their self esteem. I think you should elaborate on those experiences. I mean, this is a really small essay, you should shoot for 500-750 words.

I like the introduction, you should keep that. The second paragraph kind of jumps over the place. It goes from helping kids dance to being powerful then the environment. Theoretically, this makes sense in the way I summarized it, but there aren't any transitions in that paragraph that leads from each of your thoughts. Same thing with your third paragraph. It's all over the place.

I think you should take out the Aries because it's says you follow the stereotype. And that may be true, but do you really want admissions counsellors to think you fit into any stereotype? I like the last couple of sentences. It brings forth the original idea and concludes it in a way that made me laugh. Good luck!

Undergraduate / MIT-Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun (250 words) [12]

I like it. I think it's a great topic. I mean, if it is something that you do to relax, then you should use it. It's very original and not something that admissions people will expect.

Research Papers / Need points/advice on Global Warming (I am opposed to it) [4]

I don't agree with what you're trying to argue, but I guess I can help.

Ever since the Earth began sustaining life, global temperatures have always risen and dropped i.e. the Ice Age. Studies have shown that every major extinction, global warming or cooling have played a major part in the extinction. Obviously, during those times, humans weren't even part of the equation. Maybe it's just the time for another global temperature change.

Global warming is a scam? Again, don't agree, but if you look closely at Al Gore's movie about global warming, there are many inconsistencies. I can't think of some off the top of my head, but Google can help you with that.

Undergraduate / "the weekend camping with grandfather" - William&Mary optional essay help. [4]

We arrived at the campgrounds around six, somewhere on the Delaware River.

Aww, this was cute. I liked it as I could relate. However, I find this a bit weird. The prompt asks for you to say what kind of person you are and from what I get from this is you are someone that needs a little bit of coaxing (or in this case, guilt) to actually enjoy something. I don't think that's the kind of message you want to tell an admissions counselor.

Undergraduate / Gay Rights and Why I want to attend- Vesalius College [12]

Thanks for that speranza. You're right, the conclusion is a bit weak, but I still think the whole thing's weak. I already know that my first essay in "fact-y" and the whole religion thing is kind of offensive. I've changed that as well as putting more of myself into the essay.

I'm not going to comment about your beef with wooleyj because that's between you guys and I have no idea what's going on there. Oh, and I'm aware that some people will steal another's essay, which is why I don't post final copies or even the corrections I've already made. Like this is just a really really rough draft.

Can anyone else help me with my answer to the second prompt as my first essay is already done?

Undergraduate / "Elizabeth C. Stanton; men=women" - bringing any person, NYU Supplement [10]

Elizabeth C. Stanton really inspired me with all the work she did as a suffragette because of her proposal women were given voting rights; I am very thankful for this. I would bring Mrs. Stanton here to Florida to show her all the great things the women of today are doing as discrimination based on gender no longer occurs. She will be very pleased to see the political progress women are making, not only can women vote, but they can fill government positions as well.

Well, those are the corrections. But I still think that you aren't talking enough about yourself. Yes, she's helped women rights, but you still haven't explained why she, out of everyone who has helped women's rights, is the person you want to have dinner with. You haven't given any detail about how Stanton has inspired you personally. Anyways, I think that you should add in your political aspirations, maybe make a connection to Stanton and her own political thoughts.

Undergraduate / "Elizabeth C. Stanton; men=women" - bringing any person, NYU Supplement [10]

You didn't explain why you want to meet her or why she's inspired you. The point of the prompt is to find out more about you, not the person you want to have dinner with or whatever.

Undergraduate / MIT-Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun (250 words) [12]

The first sentence is a fragment, as you probably know, but i think you should change it. The concluding sentence isn't one. I feel like it could be the start of another paragraph. You could probably use it as your intro. As for the Taylor Swift statement? I like it. Maybe I'm just being biased because I love her, but it makes sense overall. I like the fact that your answer kind of takes on an abstract look on things.

Undergraduate / Gay Rights and Why I want to attend- Vesalius College [12]

Again, thanks for your comments, but like I said, I now need help with the second essay.

Undergraduate / Gay Rights and Why I want to attend- Vesalius College [12]

Thank you for your comment lanes.

My second essay still needs a lot of help though.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: "Global Health", "Why NYC" & "Alice in Wonderland" [8]

The first one sounds better to me, like it just flows better.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: "Global Health", "Why NYC" & "Alice in Wonderland" [8]

Very nice, very nice. One thing. At the end of the first sentence, first hand experience of what?

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: "Global Health", "Why NYC" & "Alice in Wonderland" [8]

Growing up in a multi-national intentional These two are redundant so you can use either one of them community, I loved learning about different cultures and languages, and the passion remained as I traveled in the US and Europe since graduating high school 4 years ago. There is no better place to study than NYU, a global university in a pulsating city, which encompasses everything I have learned on my travels and where I can continue to build on my experiences, in the classroom and from the diversity of the opportunities and people that surround NYU.This sentence is way too long. Break it up.

Writing Feedback / People today are not as friendly as people were in the past. [4]

In the 21th century, the communication between people and peoplehave become more and more frequent. Some people say that people nowadays are not as friendly as people were in the past. I do not think so.This is a fragment. People seem to be friendlier now. This is also a fragment, maybe combine both sentences.

People these years have become more friendly and kind-hearted. They would like to help others and washwish for no pay backthis sounds awkward . In my hometown, there is a little girl who was badly ill and almost lost her life. Her family was poor and had no money to pay her bill. A kind-hearted journalist heard about her story and wrote a report in the newspaper. Many people in our city saw the story and tried their best to help the pourpoor girl. They gave money and clothes to her. Finally, with the help of many good people and generous hospital which cured the girl for free, her illness was cured .

As you know, there was a terrible earthquake that happened in Sichuan province in 2008. Many people died in this disaster.These two sentences are fragments.All ourOur entire country was crying. We Chinese people tried whatever we cancould to help the people in trouble. We gave money clothes and food watermoney, clothes, food, and water to help the people in stricken region to go through the catastrophe This sounds awkward, I would change it . We also served as volunteers to help the area. All the country show The entire country helped with their generosity. great generosity to help.

Higher educational levelPost secondary education is an important reason to make people friendly. People are now receiving high education than the past. They are taught to be a good person since they were children. They think they have responsibility to help poor people. This seems awkward and weird. There's no flow from the last paragraph to this one.

Secondly, technology and science develop fast and make our life easier than in the past. We need not to pay all attention to making a living. We have time to do other things such as helping other people who are in trouble. We are richer than before, so we can do much charity to help people who are poor or in some trouble they cannot go through by themselves. Again, this seems awkward and weird. There's no flow from the last paragraph to this one.

All in all, people these years seem to be friendlier than they were in the past. We now have a great wi ll to help people who are in trouble.

There was a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. You kept switching tenses. Personally, I think you can write a better essay.