Posts by essceejay216

essceejay216

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / THE RAPPING ICONOCLAST: BROWN SUPPLEMENT (INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE) [9]

I think the essay is pretty awesome. I love the concept. I don't know if it answers the prompt. I mean, it is an experience and kind of like a project, but not. You could probably get by with it though. Whatever the case, you will stand out in a good way.

Good luck!

Read mine?

essceejay216

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "we thank you for your interest in becoming part CVS pharmacy" - for high end schools [3]

To be honest, it's not interesting enough. Oddly enough, I like that it starts off with the rejection from CVS, because there's so many possibilities for topics. But it goes really slow and gets kind of boring (sorry). It just feels like you're giving us a play-by-play of an experience that shouldn't be dissected. It's going to take a lot more to make finding a book at the library compelling. Good luck, man.

Read mine?

essceejay216

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Interested in Applied Math and people" - Why Brown [4]

This is not a good idea. You will be better off writing an essay. If you're going to take a risk and write a poem, then you need the poem to be stellar. This one is not that great. To be honest, I don't really see it as a poem either.

Another thing is that you shouldn't talk about other schools when they ask you to tell them why you chose them. You really shouldn't talk about things that make other schools better than Brown. I find that when you take the comparisons out of the "poem", you don't really have any concrete reasons as to why you chose Brown. This is not a good thing because you managed to not write an essay and not answer the prompt.

I see that you are trying to stand out, but this will not make you stand out in a good way.

Good luck!

Read mine ??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [15]

I posted my essay here because I knew that I had overlooked some errors and I needed help. If there is anyone who can help me to get rid of mistakes and has suggestions on how to make this essay better, they will be greatly appreciated :)

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [15]

awkward phrases and poor syntax

where? you said they were highlighted below, but you didn't actually highlight any. point them out to me please.

You approve of eugenics? Really?

No, I don't approve of eugenics. I didn't say anywhere in this essay that I approved of it.
-"one of Sparta's unpleasant qualities was also put on display"
-"I had to take into account that the modern world is much more agreeable than the ancient one." -"Infanticide is unacceptable, but the eradication of certain phenotypic characteristics was a necessary evil."

And on a final note, 300 came out in 2007, so I don't understand how you could have seen the movie when you were in 7th grade.

I'm graduating from high school a year early, to answer your question.

also, i still need help on the "me being me" part. i can't think of a way to rephrase it.

anyone else??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Silence & Life without Writing - Common App Essay [3]

"I never thought anything"

"~~and my own contradictory message~~ to the street"

"a regular, ol' AP English essay"
-get rid of the comma and i suggest you replace "ol'" with "old"

Awesome essay!! I loved it and it shows a lot about your character. It was really cool what you did and it all came together in the end.

Hope I helped :)

Read mine please??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / participation in organizations + extracurricular resources - Hopkins supplement [3]

1. You did not state outright what major(s) you wanted to pursue. It is imperative that you answer the prompt, and this essay doesn't quite do it. You have all the information to back up a decision, but you didn't actually state what that decision was.

2. The prompt specifically says to express activities "Aside from the academic interests" and you used the whole first paragraph to elaborate on that academic interest. Find something else at JH that you would be interested in and talk about that.

Other than those things, you grammar seems pretty good and your purpose is clear.

Good luck!

PLEASE, read mine??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Advice on what to write supplemets for Pitzer and Stanford [5]

The first prompt is asking you how helpful responsibility, the understanding of other cultures, well-rounded education and independence are and how they pertain to the "challenges of your generation". First, you need to think about what these "challenges" are. Then, you have to write about how the aforementioned "values" will aid you in facing them. Just talk about how important these values are to have in life and write about specific challenges that you may face and how these values can help you.

I don't know what else to say about that one. It is challenging question.

For the Stanford prompt, I think that the fragility of life is a solid topic. You should post your draft so that people can read it, though. And just so you know, the max word count is 250 words for each of the prompts, disregard the number of characters available.

Hope I helped!

Read mine, please :)

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "carpe diem" is my motto - Stanford --Letter To Roomate. [9]

PROMPT: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Future Roomate,

Everyone thinks about who their roommate will be when they go to college. Just like everything else about your college experience, you hope that your roommate will be perfect. I cannot promise you perfect. I'm just a normal girl, after all. I'm a iPod-toting, journal-keeping, reality television-loving girl. J.K. Rowling is the cause of some of the most awesome dreams I've had. Cecily von Ziegesar is the reason why I do absolutely nothing but stare at the television screen from nine to ten every Monday night.

Some days, "carpe diem" is my motto, but I also enjoy doing absolutely nothing. Many things interest me, but there are few subjects that I actually take the time to explore, like genetics and folklore. With people it's totally different-I'm open to getting to know anyone. I have been surrounded by a truly interesting array of people my entire life and have learned that everyone has something to bring to the table, whether it be a story that they insist on telling every time you see them, a laugh that makes everyone else laugh, or an unfailing tendency to randomly burst out in song at the most inopportune times-which is something I do. I appreciate people for who they are, no matter who they are.

Going to college will be the first time that I am away from home for long periods of time. I'm glad that I have someone to share this experience with and I'm excited to get to know you.

What do you think??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [15]

thank you so much. I don't know about the "me being me" thing, though. It makes sense to me, but it seems wrong in a way too.

anyone else??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Oprah Winfrey + Winter Break + Programs - Syracuse Short Answer [3]

I don't think that the first question should be answered with an actual person. I think the question is asking you what kind of person you want to become.

For the second prompt, you are going to have to come up with something better than learning how to operate a vacuum. What did you learn about work ethic? Also, it seems like you were complaining in the beginning, like you were dreading working in the restaurant. It's okay if you were, but you probably shouldn't include that part in your college essay.

You need to be more specific in answering the third prompt, because the question is specific. Keep in mind that "sitting in a classroom and hearing lectures" is a big part of college, so don't put that down as unappealing. Really research the university's programs and if study abroad is what you are interested in, then talk about a specific location and why you are interested in it. The bit about "I would like to reunite one day..." does not really make that much sense and doesn't answer the prompt.

Hope I helped :)

Read mine??

essceejay216

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "Chinese/Taiwanese are very different" - Rice Perspective Essay [9]

I like the concept of it, but it's not really working, in my opinion. It seems like you're kind of putting yourself down in the beginning. I mean, you don't know what you will become in the future, you'll probably surprise yourself. Maybe if you cut your rant of "I'll never be" statements down to three maximum and then start talking about your normal-ness in the intro, it would be better. I actually like that it starts off with "I'm not the next Albert Einstein.", but from there it kind of went downhill fast and you spelled "van Gogh" wrong, jsyk.

I like the second paragraph, because it has a lot of personality to it. "Public" shouldn't be in all caps. "Only" four countries? Four is a lot, as far as I'm concerned, cut out "only". Cut out the bit about the teacher who graded your paper; you do not talk bad about school people in your essays because your essays will be read by other school people.

Maybe if you talked more about your normality and what it means to you in general, just to give the essay more focus.

Hope I helped :)

P.S. READ MINE PLEASE. i could really use some feedback..

essceejay216

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / my favorite mottos is "opposites attract" - Letter to my Roommate: Stanford [3]

In case you didn't know, the word limit for this is 250 words. You need to break this down. Since you talk the most about your heritage and your family, I think that you should focus more on those things. It just seems like you care more about them and it would still give a good picture of who you are and where you come from.

The essay is kind of disorganized and it doesn't flow very well. You jump from one subject to the next without much transition. A lot of it just seems like you are rambling. Nevertheless, the first paragraph is a good start. If you just build this essay around your family and heritage, you will be alright. Just remember that although this is "a letter to your roommate", it will actually be read by admissions officers.

Good luck!

essceejay216

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "The agricultural leadership" - STANFORD-intellectual vitality-beef production [7]

being "born in a barn."

-quotes not needed

that's pretty high-tech nowadays.

-"it's" instead of "that's"

This was proven during

"proven to me..."

lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager

-Between these two sentences, it would be good to describe what you saw.

intended to be placed in other animals

-"placed into other cows"

attract more buyers to the genetics

-i don't think that saying the buyers were attracted to the genetics is necessarily correct. you can't actually see genetics, which is a scientific discipline. you can't see genes either, just the phenotypic effect of them. you should probably cut out the "enhance the herd" part and just put "...in order to attract buyers to the genetically-enhanced herd."

I began researching the connections between science and agribusiness.

-what did you learn as a result of this research? include it in the essay.

I think that it is a pretty good topic. The thing is that at the end you kind of venture off topic and start talking about yourself. That is not what the prompt asks for. You need to talk about what your thoughts on the subject and why you find it intellectually engaging. I don't think that venturing off into talking about your want to learn is a good idea. The one thing that you do not want to do when you write an essay is go off topic, no matter what.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
Read mine?

essceejay216

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Essay - "the calm before the brainstorm" - intellectually engaging [4]

what is the "guiding principle"? why do you find it "intellectually engaging"? what does this sentence mean?

It's a good enough start, but from the looks of it, you don't find this subject too interesting. Your purpose isn't clear and it doesn't really seem like a full thought. I like the first paragraph with exception of the last sentence which kind of confuses me. In the beginning it sounded like you were going to talk about how important it is to brainstorm or how much more complex it is now than it was before. However, the rest of the essay isn't as engaging.

essceejay216

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [15]

I began to question what it is that triggers one's allegiance to their government to overpower the innate characteristics of humanity, such as the want to protect one's child.

- It's not that I found it to be cool that they killed babies. Actually, it's the exact opposite. But thanks for pointing that out to me, because now I know that I need to be more clear on what my actual purpose was: to question why these ancient people would do something like that. Any suggestions?

essceejay216

Dec 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]

I would have to disagree with jjenny9301. This should absolutely not focus on what Rice offers, in my opinion. Rice already knows what it offers, it knows its stats. This essay is an opportunity for you to express why these things are important to you and why they drew you to Rice.

"To start, 82% of Rice's classes have a size of less than 30 people. It has an impressive 5:1 student to faculty ratio..."
-this information is probably on the Rice website, which means it is nothing new to them. focus more on how small class sizes influenced your decision to apply and focus less on stating numbers.

I like the honor code part.

You need something else. You have thirty more words. Make them count.

Hope I helped :)

essceejay216

Dec 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [15]

I initially started it off with me learning about Spartans in sixth grade, but I have this weird thing where I really don't like most essays that start with anecdotes and I was trying to tie in the movie into it to because this idea came because of it. I'm not sure how I can effectively do all of these things at the same time.

I see that you guys want me to talk more about me in the essay, but I thought that it was supposed to be about my thought process because the prompt doesn't actually ask for me to tell how it affected me.

Also, the Spartans are just an example of people who did unfavorable things (killing infants) for the benefit of their own state and themselves. In essence, this is what I meant for the essay to be about. Sparta was just the thing that triggered this thought, so I had to put it in. What do you guys think?

@theloniusjaz
What do Spartans have to do with Stanford? Stanford has not had a mascot since the 1970s. USC's mascot is a Trojan. And to be honest, I thought San Jose State was in New Mexico. I don't think that I have too much to worry about. Also, I didn't want to at all make this essay about wanting to be a Spartan, so if you read something that made you think that, then I would appreciate for you to point it out to me. Thanks :)

essceejay216

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

Honestly, I don't think it's changed that much. You have the same sentences there, you just reworded them and put them in a different order. What this is missing is something that sets BU apart from the other colleges and universities. Why is BU important to you? This is what you need to write about. Praising the school should not be your main priority. They know who they are. They want to know who you are and why you chose them.

Since my visit I have done research on BU through its website, pamphlets, and meetings.
-this doesn't explain why you chose BU. get rid of this sentence.

Good luck!!

essceejay216

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

You should include more things that would set BU apart from a majority of other colleges. Most of the things that you wrote about could be said about hundreds of other colleges. Is there something unique about BU? Why did you really want to apply? Why do you think it is a good match for you? What will it be like for you to live there? These are the questions that you need to be asking yourself when you are writing these types of essays.

Since my visit I have done research on BU through its website and pamphlets. I also attended the BU meeting at my school where I learned about classes for a Political Science major and how to get involved at BU by joining student government or rushing for a sorority.

-these sentences don't explain why you are interested in BU

Hope I helped! Good Luck :)

essceejay216

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]

I think the fact that you basically reworded the prompt and put it into your essay is not that good of an idea. You're supposed to answer the prompt, which I don't think you did to well. You wrote about the stuff you do know instead of what you don't know (what the prompt asked you to talk about).

essceejay216

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]

Overall, it is pretty good. You should probably have some sort of introduction also. It doesn't have to be a paragraph. Just a sentence saying something like "I think that Rice is a great fit for me." would do fine. To really utilize the extra word space you have, you should probably find something about Rice that you like specifically and talk about why you like it. Something that Rice has that not a lot of other schools have would be good. You have 200 words to show them that you really are interested in them and I say use every single one.

essceejay216

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [15]

PROMPT: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I am a huge fan of the movie 300, a fantastical retelling of the battle of Thermopylae between Sparta and Persia. Most of my fascination stems from my perception of Spartans as invincible. When I first learned about the Greek city-states in sixth grade, Sparta was the one that really caught my attention. Spartans were the hard, relentless people. They represented extreme loyalty to the state and, above all else, strength. This movie magnified those characteristics, zoned in on the already prominent militarist culture of the state.

Sparta was a militarist state in essence. Naturally, their...
...

I think I'm a little bit over the word limit, so if you can please tell me if it's too wordy or how i can reword something I will greatly appreciate it.

essceejay216

Dec 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Why expecting to repeat your senior year? - Common App Activity [3]

to answer your question: yes, you definitely answer the prompt.

however, there are still a few errors:

"my stay in USA" should be "my stay in the USA"

"Hosted by hospitable, accepted..." should be "Hosted by a hospitable family, accepted..."

"such as community services" should be "such as community service" (no "s" on the end of "service")

other than those things, it's pretty good :)

essceejay216

Dec 21, 2010

Undergraduate / "The Eccentricity" Why Brown Supplement [4]

the first paragraph is great. however, the first three sentences of the second paragraph kind of threw me off.

1. I have my own brand of eccentricity, sharpened by sudden midnight drives, an obsession with Slurpees, and a growing array of socks, that I know will seamlessly fit with uniqueness of Brown.

-how do you fit in with uniqueness? the whole point of being unique is that you are different from other people. i think that it was just worded wrong. If you meant to say that your being unique would fit in at Brown, which is a unique school, then i think that you should say that.

2. The university won't ask me to change but instead embrace what I offer.
-most universities won't ask you to change. if they like you, they accept you. If they don't like you, they deny you. i just think that this sentence does nothing as to explain why you chose Brown.

3. Also, with my Tourette's Syndrome, I've developed an outlook that doubts the traditional.
-"doubts" is the wrong word to use
-i don't understand how Tourette's and an unconventional outlook relate. maybe explain more?

Other than those things. This is pretty good.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)

essceejay216

Dec 21, 2010

Undergraduate / I have always had the desire to excel, but wasn't sure how - Spelman admission essay [4]

This doesn't necessarily follow the prompt. Instead, it seems like you just listed a lot of things that you have done. Also, I think that you should get rid of the part where you are talking about Spelman. The prompt did not ask for you to tell them why you are applying, so you shouldn't include that. This essay should be more about your commitment to learning and service and what these things mean to you, not a list. A lot of the things that you said here can probably be seen on the rest of your application. In the essay, you want to let them know things that they otherwise wouldn't know about, but at the same time you want to answer the prompt. Following the prompt shows that you can follow instructions. This goes for word count also.

essceejay216

Dec 21, 2010

Undergraduate / "Foundations, earthquakes in California" - my world [9]

Thank you for that, Ishas. I didn't think to do that :)

essceejay216

Dec 19, 2010

Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [9]

Much better! Everything is flowing nicely and it seems genuine and I get a picture of who you really are.

Minor changes:

I don't think that you will be actually cooking anything in your dorm, so that bit about being a good cook will probably be out of place. Just a thought.

My desk would be uniquely neat at all times; with each item geometrically aligned horizontally or vertically.
-incorrect use of a semicolon
-each sentence should be complete

Hope I helped!

essceejay216

Dec 18, 2010

Undergraduate / Newspapers, social challenge, summer, events, history -Stanford Profile Questions [6]

I think you did pretty good. Just as long as everything you said represents you and you didn't leave out anything for fear of it not being accepted. I find that a lot of people only show colleges what they think that colleges want to see and Stanford is really one of those places that really wants to get to know who you are.

essceejay216

Dec 18, 2010

Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [9]

I don't think that just focusing on one aspect would be the way to go. One aspect is not going to give a full picture of who you are. You just need to make it more cohesive. Don't use this as an opportunity to list your activities to the admissions official, because that is kind of how I took it at first.

essceejay216

Dec 17, 2010

Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [9]

It doesn't flow very well. There are no transitions into new topics. It doesn't read as one unified piece, it reads like a list. You don't want that. You should not change what you wrote about if those are really things that you want to express, but changing how these ideas are presented could really help. Changing the order could help. The last paragraph seems a teeny bit more put together than the first one.

The prompt asks you to write a letter to your future roomate, correct? Well, you need to keep in mind that a letter to your roomate will probably have to be a little different from a regular college essay. It's basically trying to figure out who you are. It may help if you read your letter from the perspective of your roomate. Think of what kind of letter you would want to get from a roomate that you have never met before and will probably be spending the first year of college with.

essceejay216

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [8]

That's a run-on sentence. I don't think I get what you mean by "My eyes are open to the world" either. Maybe you could change the sentence to something like "I know that I will come across difficulties in the future, but my outlook on life ensures that I will be able to deal with them."

And make sure that you don't have a lot of contractions in your statement, like "I'll".

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

jrecarpenter

No, there wasn't a specific organization in charge of my independent study. IS is an alternative offered at my high school. So, I don't know if that should be added into the actual essay, because the schools can see from my transcripts what school I went to.

I think that you are right about the anecdote. I could definitely find a way to add one in.

Thank you so much!

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have been an Independent Study student for the entirety of my high school career. I was skeptical about it at first, I did not think that it would measure up to the traditional high school experience. However, I has turned out to be a defining experience for me. As expected, IS has helped me become more independent, but it has been beneficial in other ways also.

I have always excelled in school. However, when I entered Independent Study and started to struggle, I found a great flaw: I lacked the ability to be truly self-sufficient. I depended too much on the leadership of my teachers to stay on track. I found that in some ways, my traditional school experience handicapped me.

Independent Study challenged me in ways that I had not been challenged before. I still had teachers, but independent study calls for independent students. I was obligated to keep track of my own schedule. Task prioritization and time management took the front seat in my life.

Though I could have went back to regular school, I decided not to. IS gave me the opportunity to graduate early. Staying in high school a year longer did not seem logical to me, even with the extracurricular opportunities. Besides, Independent Study gave me the time to take some college courses. In being an IS student, I learned the importance of time and going back to regular school seemed like a waste of it.

All in all, both the experiences of traditional school and IS made me the best student that I can be. I am more independent, better at time management, and have college credit because of IS. I do not believe that my being in Independent Study has deprived me of any skills that I need to be successful in college. If anything, I am a much better student because of this experience.

Please give me your honest opinions. If anything can be cut out completely, then tell me. I'm 31 words over my word count limit. Thanks :)

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Angry Serbian Women"- Common Application Essay [4]

My assimilation into Serbian society, though tremulous, was not as unfathomably difficult as expected. My return to America two years later was.
-this sentence should not just be floating in your essay. be mindful of essay format.

It was as though my previous eccentricities had been, unbeknownst to me, amplified by this newfound cultural identity that engaged in an effective symbiosis with the very characteristics that had originally set me so far apart from others.

-what "newfound cultural identity" are you referring to?

Since then, I have strived to perfect the illusion of normalcy and conformity.
-since when? when is "then" referring to?

You are, obviously, a great writer. However, you have to remember that these people that are reading your essays are not you. They may not think like you think. You should make this as understandable as possible for those people. I'm not speaking in terms of vocabulary, but in terms of the flow of the thoughts. Make sure you make the transition from one thought to another as smooth as possible.

I love this essay, it is pretty awesome. Whatever you do, don't tweak it too much. Just a teeny bit of revision should do.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
btw.. could you check out mine too? i could really use the feedback.

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "A Doctoring of Perspective" Texas Issue of Importance Common App Essay [3]

Suggestion: Although there are around 567,000 practicing physicians in the United States, there is only one in particular that has played a pivotal role in my life.

Suggestions:
Dr. Hector Urrutia was born in 1940 to a meager coffee farmer in the district of Tacuba, El Salvador. Never having much monetarily, Dr. Urrutia realized early on the importance of a quality education.

To come from such a humble background, and through hard work and determination, become a beacon of hope and aid to the community is a poignant achievement that I find incredibly inspiring. (this needs to be reworded. it's not as clear as it could be.)

Although my prospective specialty has changed periodically, my ultimate aim has never wavered. Even as a young child I accepted the fact that I could never be completely satisfied doing anything else. (this needs to be reworded.) Dr. Hector Urrutia's story has only reinforced my adamant goal of one day practicing medicine myself.

Today, Dr. Urrutia is a distinguished Cardiologist in the Rio Grande Valley.

While it is common knowledge that physicians earn a substantial paycheck, I think that the knowledge that your medical prowess has meant the difference between life and death for hundreds of individuals is greater than any monetary reward.

The job of a physician is never an easy one; bad news is often delivered on a daily basis and calamity often strikes at all hours of the day and night, requiring doctors to work long and irregular hours. (major run-on sentence)

Great topic! I like the way you ended it. You just have to work on the grammar and you'll be all right.

Good Luck!! Hope I helped :)
btw, could you check out mine too?? i could really use the feedback. thanks :)

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Foundations, earthquakes in California" - my world [9]

Re: angelusfanatic
If you have other critiques, I would appreciate seeing them. I'm trying to make as many revisions as I can at once, so it'll probably be best to change the essay and then show it to you for more changes. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks :)

Re: MarleyWH
What I mean by "I followed suit" is that I also took on leadership roles in our household. I don't really know how to reword it. Any suggestions??

My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.

I changed this to "My mother never hid her financial struggles from us. At that point, I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This realization made me grow up very quickly."

I don't know if that's good enough, so any other suggestions will be appreciated :)

Please do add anything else that could help me.

Thanks a lot for your help :)

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [8]

As far as tying in how your outlook on life translates to being successful in college, I do not think that you actually need to include that story about the school newspaper. It is not really a good example of how your optimism works for you, it's more of an example of how determined you are. Plus, it's a really long story and you have your word count and everything.

You could change the sentence "Although I still face hardships, my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them." with something like: Although there are many challenges that will come may way in the future, my optimistic perspective will help me to deal with them.

Something like that. I know that it's not the greatest sentence in the world, but it's an idea..

Hope I helped a little :)

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Only Personal Business" - talent, experience, UC Prompt #2 [3]

You didn't get to the point until the very end of the essay. The conclusion should be the end, not where you introduce new information.

Where you put all of those questions (that weren't really questions) was kind of odd. I would probably change those into statements. It would help with the flow better and probably add some more meaning to the essay. And why did you scream "now"? That definitely shouldn't have been in all caps. Remember that this is a formal essay. You should refrain from using contractions also.

It would probably help you if you wrote an outline and got your thoughts in order. It is a great topic, you just have to change the way you relay it. Read it and see if changing the order helps. Be clearer in the things that you are trying to say.

Also, pay attention to the actual structure of your essay. Paragraphs are started by topic sentences. Supporting sentences explain the topic sentence. This will probably help your clarity also.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Interest in caring for animals" - my school, family, community [4]

I admit, I did not read the entire thing. It is a lot. But from what I can tell, it isn't a totally lost cause.

The first prompt should be about you and where you come from and how that has influenced you. Talk about your life, your family, what motivates you. Do not go into detail about those two organizations you talked about or academics. They can tell what kind of student you are from your transcripts. You want them to get a glimpse of who you are as a whole, not just as a student or animal caretaker. I find that you focused on one specific experience in this essay, but that will not cut it for the first prompt.

I see that you wrote a lot about your involvement with 4-H and FFA. I would suggest that you use this experience for the second UC prompt being that it doesn't answer the first prompt. That way, it would be okay to go into depth about it because it would satisfy the prompt.

Good Luck! I hope I helped :)