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Posts by essceejay216
Joined: Nov 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 51  

From: United States of America

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essceejay216   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "we thank you for your interest in becoming part CVS pharmacy" - for high end schools [5]

You can emphasize more on how disappointed you were. Then transition to how you knew that you couldn't obsess over your loss of the job opportunities, so you went to the library, a place where you could find something to do. That's where you developed a new interest. If you hadn't been rejected from those jobs, you couldn't have developed this interest in biochemistry. You can change the outcome of your experience of being fired to something like "i learned that bad things can give way to good things, so I learned from this experience to accept adversity because it can give way to something great." not exactly like that, of course, but hopefully you get my point.

Also, a lot of what you wrote kind of felt like you were trying to fill space. I think that is where it became really unnecessarily drawn out and you went off topic a little.

"I'm sorry, but we will not be inviting you to become an employee of our store. However, we thank you for your interest in becoming part of our family at CVS." I wasn't too depressed after receiving my first rejection for employment; after all, I still had three pending applications. Two nerve-wracking weeks passed by and I had not gotten another call regarding my prospective employment as a pharmacy technician from the other three pharmacies to which I had applied. Finally, I caved in and ended up calling each pharmacy I had applied to, thinking that I had been accepted and had probably missed their calls or given them the wrong number. Unfortunately, after following up, my intuition proved incorrect. I received rejections from all three. Even worse, I couldn't get a single interview out of my applications. I was both upset and frustrated, deeply perplexed by the outcome of events.

-this is a good introduction

I needed to occupy myself for the first half of summer vacation, and finals were already around the corner, so I decided to apply to the two places still hiring: the local Superfresh and Walmart. Summer vacation arrived so I decided to make use of my free time by finishing my summer homework at home while they were still processing my application. The banality of my work coupled with the emptiness of my forlorn room made for an extremely boring day.

-this is where it gets boring

I decided that I needed a change, so the next day I escaped to the newly opened library.

you can use this sentence to open the next paragraph

Part way through my work, I decided to take a break and find an interesting book. I remembered enjoying a book called Oxygen, one I read during AP Chem, so I headed off to the science section to find something similar. I started looking through the first shelf, but all I found was either picture books or textbooks; nothing seemed appealing.

this is not needed

lthough I hadn't seen much written about the nervous system and bone healing, I was able to comprehend most of the material covered with my background in high school science courses coupled with the excellent explanations provided. However, some concepts were out of my sphere of knowledge so I went to find a basic biochemistry book from the same area of the library to serve as a reference.

cut this part out

Although I started my summer by reading, I quickly found pleasure in playing chess with others and volunteering at the library. I met a plethora of people subjects, including a young but balding Indian man who was starting his own software company, and shared stories on a range of subjects.

this is off topic. but, come to think of it, it would be interesting if you could somehow talk about your experience in the whole library. Like, if you met or saw some interesting people, you could talk about what you learned from them. Just a thought.

Remember that you don't have to talk about academics. You can talk about pretty much anything significant in your life. Keep that in mind if you decide to scrap this.

Hope this helped!

Can you read my intellectual vitality essay?? I can really use some constructive feedback/criticism/whatever you can help with :)
essceejay216   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / THE RAPPING ICONOCLAST: BROWN SUPPLEMENT (INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE) [10]

I think the essay is pretty awesome. I love the concept. I don't know if it answers the prompt. I mean, it is an experience and kind of like a project, but not. You could probably get by with it though. Whatever the case, you will stand out in a good way.

Good luck!

Read mine?
essceejay216   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "we thank you for your interest in becoming part CVS pharmacy" - for high end schools [5]

To be honest, it's not interesting enough. Oddly enough, I like that it starts off with the rejection from CVS, because there's so many possibilities for topics. But it goes really slow and gets kind of boring (sorry). It just feels like you're giving us a play-by-play of an experience that shouldn't be dissected. It's going to take a lot more to make finding a book at the library compelling. Good luck, man.

Read mine?
essceejay216   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Interested in Applied Math and people" - Why Brown [4]

This is not a good idea. You will be better off writing an essay. If you're going to take a risk and write a poem, then you need the poem to be stellar. This one is not that great. To be honest, I don't really see it as a poem either.

Another thing is that you shouldn't talk about other schools when they ask you to tell them why you chose them. You really shouldn't talk about things that make other schools better than Brown. I find that when you take the comparisons out of the "poem", you don't really have any concrete reasons as to why you chose Brown. This is not a good thing because you managed to not write an essay and not answer the prompt.

I see that you are trying to stand out, but this will not make you stand out in a good way.

Good luck!

Read mine ??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

awkward phrases and poor syntax

where? you said they were highlighted below, but you didn't actually highlight any. point them out to me please.

You approve of eugenics? Really?

No, I don't approve of eugenics. I didn't say anywhere in this essay that I approved of it.
-"one of Sparta's unpleasant qualities was also put on display"
-"I had to take into account that the modern world is much more agreeable than the ancient one." -"Infanticide is unacceptable, but the eradication of certain phenotypic characteristics was a necessary evil."

And on a final note, 300 came out in 2007, so I don't understand how you could have seen the movie when you were in 7th grade.

I'm graduating from high school a year early, to answer your question.

also, i still need help on the "me being me" part. i can't think of a way to rephrase it.

anyone else??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Silence & Life without Writing - Common App Essay [4]

"I never thought anything"

"and my own contradictory message to the street"

"a regular, ol' AP English essay"
-get rid of the comma and i suggest you replace "ol'" with "old"

Awesome essay!! I loved it and it shows a lot about your character. It was really cool what you did and it all came together in the end.

Hope I helped :)

Read mine please??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Rochester Short essay 150 words edit [10]

"carry out with my educational"

"college career as there is not a core curriculum "

"exaggerating my college career" is not a good way to put it. instead put something like "prolonging my college career"

it does follow the prompt and it is very clear.

The second essay isn't that great. The subject matter is nothing to get excited about. Not that you have to write something super exciting, but it needs to at least be mildly interesting. This is not going to cut it. It doesn't seem like a true obstacle, it just seems like a common occurrence, like "i didn't study, so i didn't do good on the test. But when i studied, i did good on the test."

Contrary to what the person above me said, the vocabulary is fine, in my opinion. it doesn't seem forced or like you are trying to impress anyone. I had to look up one of the words (gesticulating), but it was nothing major. Never dumb yourself down unless you aren't truly comfortable with using "giant words".

Good luck!

Read mine, please?
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / participation in organizations + extracurricular resources - Hopkins supplement [3]

1. You did not state outright what major(s) you wanted to pursue. It is imperative that you answer the prompt, and this essay doesn't quite do it. You have all the information to back up a decision, but you didn't actually state what that decision was.

2. The prompt specifically says to express activities "Aside from the academic interests" and you used the whole first paragraph to elaborate on that academic interest. Find something else at JH that you would be interested in and talk about that.

Other than those things, you grammar seems pretty good and your purpose is clear.

Good luck!

PLEASE, read mine??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Advice on what to write supplemets for Pitzer and Stanford [5]

The first prompt is asking you how helpful responsibility, the understanding of other cultures, well-rounded education and independence are and how they pertain to the "challenges of your generation". First, you need to think about what these "challenges" are. Then, you have to write about how the aforementioned "values" will aid you in facing them. Just talk about how important these values are to have in life and write about specific challenges that you may face and how these values can help you.

I don't know what else to say about that one. It is challenging question.

For the Stanford prompt, I think that the fragility of life is a solid topic. You should post your draft so that people can read it, though. And just so you know, the max word count is 250 words for each of the prompts, disregard the number of characters available.

Hope I helped!

Read mine, please :)
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "carpe diem" is my motto - Stanford --Letter To Roomate. [9]

PROMPT: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Future Roomate,

Everyone thinks about who their roommate will be when they go to college. Just like everything else about your college experience, you hope that your roommate will be perfect. I cannot promise you perfect. I'm just a normal girl, after all. I'm a iPod-toting, journal-keeping, reality television-loving girl. J.K. Rowling is the cause of some of the most awesome dreams I've had. Cecily von Ziegesar is the reason why I do absolutely nothing but stare at the television screen from nine to ten every Monday night.

Some days, "carpe diem" is my motto, but I also enjoy doing absolutely nothing. Many things interest me, but there are few subjects that I actually take the time to explore, like genetics and folklore. With people it's totally different-I'm open to getting to know anyone. I have been surrounded by a truly interesting array of people my entire life and have learned that everyone has something to bring to the table, whether it be a story that they insist on telling every time you see them, a laugh that makes everyone else laugh, or an unfailing tendency to randomly burst out in song at the most inopportune times-which is something I do. I appreciate people for who they are, no matter who they are.

Going to college will be the first time that I am away from home for long periods of time. I'm glad that I have someone to share this experience with and I'm excited to get to know you.

What do you think??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Play golf + Being responsible + Berlin Wall + Travel + Book in dormitory - Yale short [5]

"a country once divided was united again"

"I wish I was fluent in several languages."

"That way it would be very convenientas I plan to travel around the world in the near future."

"I would ask, "If you can keep only one book in your dormitory as a Yale's freshman , what would it be?"

Great answers... good luck!!

Read mine??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Oprah Winfrey + Winter Break + Programs - Syracuse Short Answer [3]

I don't think that the first question should be answered with an actual person. I think the question is asking you what kind of person you want to become.

For the second prompt, you are going to have to come up with something better than learning how to operate a vacuum. What did you learn about work ethic? Also, it seems like you were complaining in the beginning, like you were dreading working in the restaurant. It's okay if you were, but you probably shouldn't include that part in your college essay.

You need to be more specific in answering the third prompt, because the question is specific. Keep in mind that "sitting in a classroom and hearing lectures" is a big part of college, so don't put that down as unappealing. Really research the university's programs and if study abroad is what you are interested in, then talk about a specific location and why you are interested in it. The bit about "I would like to reunite one day..." does not really make that much sense and doesn't answer the prompt.

Hope I helped :)

Read mine??
essceejay216   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chinese/Taiwanese are very different" - Rice Perspective Essay [9]

I like the concept of it, but it's not really working, in my opinion. It seems like you're kind of putting yourself down in the beginning. I mean, you don't know what you will become in the future, you'll probably surprise yourself. Maybe if you cut your rant of "I'll never be" statements down to three maximum and then start talking about your normal-ness in the intro, it would be better. I actually like that it starts off with "I'm not the next Albert Einstein.", but from there it kind of went downhill fast and you spelled "van Gogh" wrong, jsyk.

I like the second paragraph, because it has a lot of personality to it. "Public" shouldn't be in all caps. "Only" four countries? Four is a lot, as far as I'm concerned, cut out "only". Cut out the bit about the teacher who graded your paper; you do not talk bad about school people in your essays because your essays will be read by other school people.

Maybe if you talked more about your normality and what it means to you in general, just to give the essay more focus.

Hope I helped :)

P.S. READ MINE PLEASE. i could really use some feedback..
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / my favorite mottos is "opposites attract" - Letter to my Roommate: Stanford [3]

In case you didn't know, the word limit for this is 250 words. You need to break this down. Since you talk the most about your heritage and your family, I think that you should focus more on those things. It just seems like you care more about them and it would still give a good picture of who you are and where you come from.

The essay is kind of disorganized and it doesn't flow very well. You jump from one subject to the next without much transition. A lot of it just seems like you are rambling. Nevertheless, the first paragraph is a good start. If you just build this essay around your family and heritage, you will be alright. Just remember that although this is "a letter to your roommate", it will actually be read by admissions officers.

Good luck!
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

Here's my revised essay:

When I first learned about the Greek city-states in sixth grade, Sparta was the one that really caught my attention. Spartans were the hard, relentless people, loyal to their state and strong. Me being me, I exaggerated these characteristics in my...

...
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The agricultural leadership" - STANFORD-intellectual vitality-beef production [9]

being "born in a barn."

-quotes not needed

that's pretty high-tech nowadays.

-"it's" instead of "that's"

This was proven during

"proven to me..."

lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager

-Between these two sentences, it would be good to describe what you saw.

intended to be placed in other animals

-"placed into other cows"

attract more buyers to the genetics

-i don't think that saying the buyers were attracted to the genetics is necessarily correct. you can't actually see genetics, which is a scientific discipline. you can't see genes either, just the phenotypic effect of them. you should probably cut out the "enhance the herd" part and just put "...in order to attract buyers to the genetically-enhanced herd."

I began researching the connections between science and agribusiness.

-what did you learn as a result of this research? include it in the essay.

I think that it is a pretty good topic. The thing is that at the end you kind of venture off topic and start talking about yourself. That is not what the prompt asks for. You need to talk about what your thoughts on the subject and why you find it intellectually engaging. I don't think that venturing off into talking about your want to learn is a good idea. The one thing that you do not want to do when you write an essay is go off topic, no matter what.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
Read mine?
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Essay - "the calm before the brainstorm" - intellectually engaging [4]

The concept of "brainstorming" is a little different to me now.
-no need for the quotes

principle behind the "brainstorm" has been and always

"has been and always will be"

They give "warm-ups" funny names like "activators"

"They don't give.." They is referring to high school, correct?

they no longer ask you to put your Popsicle stick on the bulletin board under "hot lunch", "brought lunch", "sandwich".

I don't see how this is fun or educational.

The pages of all of my tattered one subject notebooks have miniscule "brainshowers" all over them - in the margins, above the headers, everywhere.

However, the guiding principle behind the "brainstorm" has been and always be the most intellectually engaging process of learning for me - after all, it is where my intellectual journey begins.

what is the "guiding principle"? why do you find it "intellectually engaging"? what does this sentence mean?

It's a good enough start, but from the looks of it, you don't find this subject too interesting. Your purpose isn't clear and it doesn't really seem like a full thought. I like the first paragraph with exception of the last sentence which kind of confuses me. In the beginning it sounded like you were going to talk about how important it is to brainstorm or how much more complex it is now than it was before. However, the rest of the essay isn't as engaging.
essceejay216   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I began to question what it is that triggers one's allegiance to their government to overpower the innate characteristics of humanity, such as the want to protect one's child.

- It's not that I found it to be cool that they killed babies. Actually, it's the exact opposite. But thanks for pointing that out to me, because now I know that I need to be more clear on what my actual purpose was: to question why these ancient people would do something like that. Any suggestions?
essceejay216   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]

I would have to disagree with jjenny9301. This should absolutely not focus on what Rice offers, in my opinion. Rice already knows what it offers, it knows its stats. This essay is an opportunity for you to express why these things are important to you and why they drew you to Rice.

"To start, 82% of Rice's classes have a size of less than 30 people. It has an impressive 5:1 student to faculty ratio..."
-this information is probably on the Rice website, which means it is nothing new to them. focus more on how small class sizes influenced your decision to apply and focus less on stating numbers.

I like the honor code part.

You need something else. You have thirty more words. Make them count.

Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I initially started it off with me learning about Spartans in sixth grade, but I have this weird thing where I really don't like most essays that start with anecdotes and I was trying to tie in the movie into it to because this idea came because of it. I'm not sure how I can effectively do all of these things at the same time.

I see that you guys want me to talk more about me in the essay, but I thought that it was supposed to be about my thought process because the prompt doesn't actually ask for me to tell how it affected me.

Also, the Spartans are just an example of people who did unfavorable things (killing infants) for the benefit of their own state and themselves. In essence, this is what I meant for the essay to be about. Sparta was just the thing that triggered this thought, so I had to put it in. What do you guys think?

@theloniusjaz
What do Spartans have to do with Stanford? Stanford has not had a mascot since the 1970s. USC's mascot is a Trojan. And to be honest, I thought San Jose State was in New Mexico. I don't think that I have too much to worry about. Also, I didn't want to at all make this essay about wanting to be a Spartan, so if you read something that made you think that, then I would appreciate for you to point it out to me. Thanks :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

Honestly, I don't think it's changed that much. You have the same sentences there, you just reworded them and put them in a different order. What this is missing is something that sets BU apart from the other colleges and universities. Why is BU important to you? This is what you need to write about. Praising the school should not be your main priority. They know who they are. They want to know who you are and why you chose them.

Since my visit I have done research on BU through its website, pamphlets, and meetings.
-this doesn't explain why you chose BU. get rid of this sentence.

Good luck!!
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

You should include more things that would set BU apart from a majority of other colleges. Most of the things that you wrote about could be said about hundreds of other colleges. Is there something unique about BU? Why did you really want to apply? Why do you think it is a good match for you? What will it be like for you to live there? These are the questions that you need to be asking yourself when you are writing these types of essays.

Since my visit I have done research on BU through its website and pamphlets. I also attended the BU meeting at my school where I learned about classes for a Political Science major and how to get involved at BU by joining student government or rushing for a sorority.

-these sentences don't explain why you are interested in BU

Hope I helped! Good Luck :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]

I think the fact that you basically reworded the prompt and put it into your essay is not that good of an idea. You're supposed to answer the prompt, which I don't think you did to well. You wrote about the stuff you do know instead of what you don't know (what the prompt asked you to talk about).
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "A good match for all of me" (Why Stanford) [5]

I think that you should learn more about Stanford as far as the things outside of academics. Why is it truly a good place for you? I can't tell from this essay. In reading this essay and reading what you describe as a "match" for you, I can see that there are hundreds of schools that would fit this criteria. You have a good start, but you're probably going to have to go a little harder for Stanford.

At Stanford, I will truly be free to follow any of my passions; and what's more, regardless of which of them I choose, I will always be surrounded by faculty and research opportunities that can be matched nowhere else.

-incorrect use of a semi-colon

Now, this was quite a daunting task, and one that began to seem more daunting still as I crossed out college after college on my list.

-find another word for "daunting"

Good Luck!
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Afro-Psych-Ology; A Place of Warmth amid Cold; Uniquely Implausible" Why Swarthmore! [5]

A Place of Warmth Amid Cold
As someone who values relationships, I knew that it was the kind of college community for me.
-change to past tense because you start the next section off with "Months later..."

If you want to cut somethings down, you could start the second part off with something like "Once I was on the campus, I was able to understand what the Swatties were talking about." and cut out the sentences "I finally understood the home that the Swatties I spoke with earlier had described. " and "Months later, I visited Swarthmore, thinking it wouldn't feel different than other colleges I visited. "

Overall, I think your essays were great. The ideas were clear and obviously well thought out.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]

Overall, it is pretty good. You should probably have some sort of introduction also. It doesn't have to be a paragraph. Just a sentence saying something like "I think that Rice is a great fit for me." would do fine. To really utilize the extra word space you have, you should probably find something about Rice that you like specifically and talk about why you like it. Something that Rice has that not a lot of other schools have would be good. You have 200 words to show them that you really are interested in them and I say use every single one.
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

PROMPT: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I am a huge fan of the movie 300, a fantastical retelling of the battle of Thermopylae between Sparta and Persia. Most of my fascination stems from my perception of Spartans as invincible. When I first learned about the Greek city-states in sixth grade, Sparta was the one that really caught my attention. Spartans were the hard, relentless people. They represented extreme loyalty to the state and, above all else, strength. This movie magnified those characteristics, zoned in on the already prominent militarist culture of the state.

Sparta was a militarist state in essence. Naturally, their...
...

I think I'm a little bit over the word limit, so if you can please tell me if it's too wordy or how i can reword something I will greatly appreciate it.
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "physicists have gone down the wrong road" - Stanford Essay: intellectual vitality [6]

Digging deeper, I found out about the Higgs Boson, or the "God particle" as physicists call it.
I found a similarity between Higgs' theory and the belief of many religions in the world; claiming a divine presence is all around and within us.

-incorrect use of a semicolon. both sentences should be complete (subject and predicate)

Going a step further, I believe that 'God' itself was the core element of matter.
-the pronoun for "God" would not be "itself", usually it would be "himself" or "herself" depending on some beliefs

If we broke down all the matter in the world today; cars, trees and even humans, we would find a divine presence.
-incorrect use of a semi-colon

Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Why expecting to repeat your senior year? - Common App Activity [3]

to answer your question: yes, you definitely answer the prompt.

however, there are still a few errors:

"my stay in USA" should be "my stay in the USA"

"Hosted by hospitable, accepted..." should be "Hosted by a hospitable family, accepted..."

"such as community services" should be "such as community service" (no "s" on the end of "service")

other than those things, it's pretty good :)
essceejay216   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Eccentricity" Why Brown Supplement [4]

the first paragraph is great. however, the first three sentences of the second paragraph kind of threw me off.

1. I have my own brand of eccentricity, sharpened by sudden midnight drives, an obsession with Slurpees, and a growing array of socks, that I know will seamlessly fit with uniqueness of Brown.

-how do you fit in with uniqueness? the whole point of being unique is that you are different from other people. i think that it was just worded wrong. If you meant to say that your being unique would fit in at Brown, which is a unique school, then i think that you should say that.

2. The university won't ask me to change but instead embrace what I offer.
-most universities won't ask you to change. if they like you, they accept you. If they don't like you, they deny you. i just think that this sentence does nothing as to explain why you chose Brown.

3. Also, with my Tourette's Syndrome, I've developed an outlook that doubts the traditional.
-"doubts" is the wrong word to use
-i don't understand how Tourette's and an unconventional outlook relate. maybe explain more?

Other than those things. This is pretty good.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / I have always had the desire to excel, but wasn't sure how - Spelman admission essay [4]

This doesn't necessarily follow the prompt. Instead, it seems like you just listed a lot of things that you have done. Also, I think that you should get rid of the part where you are talking about Spelman. The prompt did not ask for you to tell them why you are applying, so you shouldn't include that. This essay should be more about your commitment to learning and service and what these things mean to you, not a list. A lot of the things that you said here can probably be seen on the rest of your application. In the essay, you want to let them know things that they otherwise wouldn't know about, but at the same time you want to answer the prompt. Following the prompt shows that you can follow instructions. This goes for word count also.
essceejay216   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "physicists have gone down the wrong road" - Stanford Essay: intellectual vitality [6]

I think that the topic is great! I was very intrigued by it and I think that it follows the prompt perfectly in showing that you find commonalities in completely different subjects and can bring those things together.

I would have to disagree with the other posters about the beginning paragraph. I think the problem is that you didn't complete your thought, so it seems like you are bashing particle physics when really what you are trying to say is that that was your previous opinion while your current opinion is different based upon this new finding. (long sentence, sorry :))

Suggestions:

I was first introduced to this concept a few months ago by my physics teacher who talked about 'fundamental' particles called quarks. Regardless of my opinion on the topic, I was hooked. I didn't believe that quarks were our core elements; mainly because there were so many variations of them. Attending regular spiritual congregations, I believed in a divine intervention in a single entity.

I was first introduced to this concept a few months ago by my physics teacher who talked about 'fundamental' particles called quarks. I did not believe that quarks were our core elements because there were so many variations of them. My belief in the divine intervention of a single deity also made me skeptical to believe that quarks were the basis of who we are. Regardless of my opinion on the topic, I was hooked.

Digging deeper, I found that the Higgs Boson was a particle that physicists claimed to be the 'God' particle. According to Peter Higgs' theory, this particle was present in all the matter in the universe and fitted the Standard Model of particle physics.

This was similar to a concept adopted in religions all over. Holy books of Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism etc. claim of a divine presence all around and within us. Effectively, they say that there is a 'God' in everything around us. This got me thinking about the correlation with this belief and the Higgs Boson.


Digging deeper, I found out about the Higgs Boson, or the "God particle" as physicists call it. According to Peter Higgs' theory, this particle is present in all matter. I found a similarity between Higgs' theory and the belief of many religions in the world that a divine presence is all around and within us. The correlation between this religious belief and the Higgs Boson got me thinking about the "God" in everything.

This was similar to a concept adopted in religions all over. Holy books of Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism etc. claim of a divine presence all around and within us. Effectively, they say that there is a 'God' in everything around us. This got me thinking about the correlation with this belief and the Higgs Boson.

I wanted to merge the two and prospect further. The Higgs Boson believed that there was a singular fundamental particle present in all matter. Religion says that there is divinity in everything that exists. If scientists at CERN are able to prove that there is such a thing as the Higgs Boson, then science and religion would have common ground;the two paths would be amalgamated into one understanding.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Scarffiee" Personal Statement/Common App - topic of choice [6]

Great essay! I enjoyed it.

A few errors:

But , in a world where risque attire is idolized and sex sells, the notion of women choosing to not attract attention by displaying skin spoke to me.-never begin a sentence with a conjunction (but, and, or)

-use "however" or some variation of it

Unlike me(myself?), these women largely were not given the opportunity to make the choice for themselves.

The government rule seems to takes away the self-expression component that the scarf holds for me.

Unlike others, I wear my religion and beliefs on my sleeve.
-you are not the only one that wears a hijab
-say something like "I have chosen, like many other women, to wear my religion and beliefs on my head."
-i've noticed in another sentence that you talk about the uniqueness of wearing hijabs, but the fact of the matter is that there are many women who choose to wear them

And to answer the common question of "Aren't you hot in that thing?", yes it does get hot at times but I eventually got used to it.

-I'm not sure if this sentence fits at all

It shows that I have a strong understanding of who I am and what I would like to represent in society.
essceejay216   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [14]

Much better! Everything is flowing nicely and it seems genuine and I get a picture of who you really are.

Minor changes:

I don't think that you will be actually cooking anything in your dorm, so that bit about being a good cook will probably be out of place. Just a thought.

My desk would be uniquely neat at all times; with each item geometrically aligned horizontally or vertically.
-incorrect use of a semicolon
-each sentence should be complete

Hope I helped!
essceejay216   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Odysseus's Journey Home" - Why Brown? [8]

"Hearing this, every checkbox for my ideal university was ticked."-i get what you are saying, but this could be clearer

"With Brown's lack of core curriculum"
-"lack" has a negative connotation, you might want to reword it. it reads as if brown falls short of something.

"At Brown, the education I receive does not end with a diploma, but with a blossomed and mature character like Odysseus' after his eventful journey home."-you need to have more concrete reasons than this. I understand that you are trying to correlate Brown and Odysseus, but be realistic. The education you receive at Brown will end with a diploma, unless you don't finish or plan to stay there as a student after you've graduated. If you meant something else, then say that.

panache and flair are synonymous, choose one.

"Perfect examples include Brown's "International Ambassadorship Program" which aims to increase the socioeconomic diversity of Brown, the "Spring Weekend" concerts which have drawn classic acts like Elvis Costello and Ella Fitzgerald in the past, and some other lighthearted acts such as rubbing the statue of John Hay for good luck and Brown Band's anachronistic yet euphonic performance of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit"."

-The college is not asking you to list things about it. They want to know how these things apply to you. Everything you say about Brown in this essay should supported by a "This is is important to me, because"-like statement. Brown admissions knows Brown, they are trying to get to know you.

Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Newspapers, social challenge, summer, events, history -Stanford Profile Questions [6]

I think you did pretty good. Just as long as everything you said represents you and you didn't leave out anything for fear of it not being accepted. I find that a lot of people only show colleges what they think that colleges want to see and Stanford is really one of those places that really wants to get to know who you are.
essceejay216   
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [14]

I don't think that just focusing on one aspect would be the way to go. One aspect is not going to give a full picture of who you are. You just need to make it more cohesive. Don't use this as an opportunity to list your activities to the admissions official, because that is kind of how I took it at first.

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