Undergraduate / "Make yourself at home in Indonesia." - UC prompt 1 [3]

Prompt#1
Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I trudged through the sweaty mass of people in the sticky, humid airport, their pungent body odour stinging my nose. When I reached the doors, I stood frozen in shock. Amidst the thick, polluted atmosphere, a sea of motorcycles swarmed the streets like a group of flies maddeningly buzzing around a spoiled food. A little boy beggar with squalid rags greeted me with his dirty hands and pleading eyes as I stepped out the doors. Shocked by his sudden appearance, I staggered, bumping in to an overfilled trash can. When I looked up, I saw a sign beaming, "Make yourself at home in Indonesia."

This first impression of what was to become my new home, in comparison with the home I left, offered nothing but shock-but little did I know that I would come to love Indonesia as my home.

My prejudice and fear against Indonesia broke down as I observed the life style of homely my domestic helper. I noticed that during times of prayer, she would stop what ever she was doing and pray on the spot. It seemed strange and uncomfortable to me at first, but I learned to appreciate Indonesian's dedication to their religion. Also, I was appalled to know that Indonesians used their hands, rather than the toilet paper, to clean themselves after using the washroom. When I asked her about this practice, I realized that this method was equally sanitary and more environmentally friendly than using a toilet paper. My life in Indonesia transformed the myopic view of the world I previously held in ignorance, enabling me to embrace and celebrate the diversity of the world, not condemn it.

I had the opportunity to travel to different South East Asian countries through my school program, in which top music students from other international schools cooperated with each other through the orchestra. The euphonious harmony of the orchestra captivated and moved me, because despite the performer's cultural differences, the orchestra always managed to produce a delightful auditory perfection. Also, I was able to experience other students' cultures as I resided in their home during my stay in the different countries. Therefore I was able to respect their culture as I respected them. This opportunity further cultivated my appreciation for the world's diversity.

Embracement and celebration of diversity directed my future goals towards immersing myself in the study of international relations. I was fascinated by how countries possessing such differences could coexist and was curious to gain further insight in how they react to and work with each other. My ultimate aspiration is to see all nations work in harmony just like the performers in an orchestra.

I have already taken first step towards my goal by participating in Model United Nations. Through MUN, I expanded my interest towards world issues and gained further understanding and insight into the complex mechanisms behind international policies. Starting my academic career of international studies in UC Berkeley will be a great leap towards my goal.

Does it have specific experiences and show my personality? Thanks in advance!

Undergraduate / "children go through a psychosexual development" - Carnegie Supplement [6]

Carnegie: why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). Why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. (500)

Did you know that children go through a psychosexual development? Did you know that there is a theory outlined after the infamous story of Oedipus? Not me either! It was these wacky explanations behind human behavior that caught my interest in psychology. The crazy Freudian theories acted like fireflies at the mouth of the cave of psychology. They danced in front of my eyes, tempting me to explore the cave. Once I set my foot in the cave, I was not able to turn back. Every aspect of psychology appealed to me. When I opened a psychology text book, I thought I was reading a book about myself because every point was related to me. The lectures seemed like a speech created just for me. Thus, now I realized that my mood swings were caused by fluctuations of chemicals in my brain, not just because I had a bad day. I now knew that sugar high induced by eating chocolate was caused by dopamine rushing to my brain, not because of the sinfully delicious chocolate. Being able to apply the psychological theories behind my actions made me feel powerful and omniscient, because I was able to understand myself.

Internship experience at Little Lambs kindergarten further fueled my curiosity and fascination. I carried out my first psychological observation by keenly deciphering the behavior of children. Behind their innocent smiles and seemingly confused faces, they were like volatile clay constantly being shaped by their surroundings and their intrinsic senses. Their behavior opened my eyes to the on-going nature versus nurture debate. My observation helped me find a particular topic in the vast sea of psychology; developmental psychology.

As I research possible area of focus in the wide scope of psychology, I realize that my current knowledge is like the tip of an iceberg. It is only a part of the extensive body of information. Beneath the surface lies so much more, like the hidden contents in the metaphorical cave of psychology. Thus, in order to stretch my myopic knowledge and capacity of learning, I search for a bright, flaming torch that will fuel my passion and illuminate the burgeoning study of psychology. I believe Carnegie Mellon's psychology program is that bright torch as its wide curriculum of cognitive science opens more opportunities for me, as I will have vast knowledge on the subject.

It's not finished yet, and it sucks real bad because I just wrote it. Please help me reshape this essay!! Thanks! I'll return the favor!

Undergraduate / "My cello sings" - Common app short answer [5]

The cello string vibrates lightly as if it's trembling with silent tears from the melancholic melody. My hand, too, glides down the string like tears slipping down. My cello sings a weeping song of lost love; its deep voice casts a heavy cloud of nostalgia over the audience. The lingering vibrato of the cello whispers magic to me, enchanting me. This is the magic of cello that caused me to be involved in various musical activities, such as the orchestra. I feel surreal when various voices of instruments merge together to form a perfect harmony because I feel like I'm in an ecstatic dream. Cello releases me from binding problems of life as I become entranced in its cathartic spell.

Grammar? Content?

I'll help yours also~

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? wide scope of human mind [4]

Columbia's psychology program is as wide and varied as the scope of human mind itself. That was the first aspect of Columbia that attracted me. Since psychology is quite an uncommon major, I was surprised that Columbia offered such an extensive program. Since its curriculum covers the wide areas of psychology such as experimental methods, perception, cognition, neuroscience, developmental, social, personality, and clinical areas, I was convinced that I would be well prepared for graduate school and for future careers. Such expansive scope will open more opportunities for me, as I will have vast knowledge on the subject. Also, the various research projects spur me to further explore the yet developing study of psychology. The supervised individual research particularly sparked interest for me, because I could apply my creativity in researching psychology. Moreover, the class size in Columbia allows for individualized attention and more comfortable and homely atmosphere. I was afraid of large class size where I would become just another face in the crowd. Yet, in such small sized classes, I would blossom under such ideal condition. Columbia would enable me to further enlighten the vast topic of psychology.

Does it sound too generic?? :'(

Undergraduate / "the monster inside" - work of art, music, science, math, literature Virginia supp [5]

Could you please fix the grammar? I wrote this just now so it sucks real bad. And tell me if this essay actually makes sense please. I'll help with your essays too! Thanks.

University of Virginia: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way? (250)

Each page swallowed me in to the thick darkness. Each page pulled me in to utmost horror. Each page drowned me in pessimism. Yet I was not able to pull myself away from it. The book, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad strangely attracted me like a light attracting flies. I knew it was dangerous and harmful, but it strangely drew me. The book revealed the evil and hypocrisy of human through the heinous imperialism in Africa. The title itself, Heart of Darkness, gave me the impression that I was wandering through the chocking jungle to reach the heart of darkness, the gloomy truth hidden inside the layers of hypocrisy and false civility. The ultimate message, that inside our hearts resides a chained monster, permeated my brain. This message haunted me as it opened another darker perspective of human behavior. Every act seemed like there was an ulterior motive behind it, an utterly selfish motive. It made me question humanity. Is civilization created to veil the horrendous monster inside ourselves? This thought tarnished even the genuine acts of kindness to hypocritical and self-benefitting acts. However, I realized that my mind was plagued by an extremely pessimistic and erroneous outset on life. To not see the happiness and kindness that evidently exist was denying myself the sunshine in life.

Undergraduate / "4 fingered pianist"- common app personal essay option 4 [3]

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Hello. This is a rough draft. Could you please check my grammar and the general flow? I will comment back and help yours!

Chopin's mellifluous notes hammered my ears as my swollen fingers scrambled to play the maddeningly sprawled notes across the page. My ears strained to comprehend the incoherent verbiage of clustered notes. The piano keys transformed in to rough bricks refusing to work. My weary fingers were becoming numb. My shoulders were aching. My mind was blank. I was too tired. I could not do it anymore.

Then I took a deep breath and thought about her, Hee Ah Lee.

I first met her in a homely church in Indonesia, the country I live in. She was perched on top of the piano chair, her stumpy legs peeking underneath the pink frilly dress. Her face was bright with concentration. After a quick intake of breathe, the euphonious and tantalizing melody of Chopin's Fantaisie Impromptu sprang from Hee Ah's four fingers, two on each hand. Albeit few mistakes, her performance captivated and moved the audience. After the emitting the final chord, Hee Ah climbed down from the piano chair and beamed proudly at the audience.

Hee Ah Lee was born with many disabilities, including only two fingers on each hand, stumpy legs and mild brain damage. Despite her disabilities, her diligence and perseverance shined her talent. She practiced Chopin's Fantaisie Impromptu for five years, mastering it to perfection.

She was an inspiration for me. I felt a special connection with her, because we both had the same love and passion for music. We both sought comfort, inspiration and freedom through music. However, in order to reach that state of comfort, inspiration and freedom, one must persevere through the thorny and trodden path to that nirvana. Our similarities end at this point. She enjoyed the torturing walk through the thorns and embraced the pains, because she knew that at the end of the walk, nirvana of music waited for her. I, on the other hand, despised the pains and tried to elude the sting, because I only saw the muddy ground below and not the nirvana ahead. It was hard for me to resist the temptation to just crumble and rest. At those moments, however, Hee Ah's lilting melody would lift my eyes from the ground, and focus them on my goal ahead. If she could tread through the muck with her fragile little legs, I could too. If she could face the thorns with a smile, I could too. She gave me a hope. She became the light of guidance that kept my eyes looking steadily ahead, not down, not wandering. She opened my ears to the subtle yet exquisite music hidden behind the sweat and pains of hard work. And so, thanks to her, I open my heart to the seemingly cacophonous chords of diligence and rejoice when I find that euphonious melody that carries me to nirvana.