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Posts by issallme5
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: May 11, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 35  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 37
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issallme5   
May 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl- For future career success, relating well to other people is more important [6]

Hi. I'll just go over grammer/awkward phrases.
"how to become successful in the future has raised people's concern"
To me, this phrase sounded awkward it could change to.."the ways to being successful have raised people's concern"

Also, you wrote "you" in couple of places in the essay. it is best if you try to refrain from using second person in a formal essay. Instead, you could use "one has~"
issallme5   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "electronic hoa mai plant" - Colgate on Diversity - Tết [4]

There's no problem with the verse tenses at all actually...this is just a suggestion, but maybe if you put everything in present tense it'll feel like we're there with you, at the moment.

oh and by the way, your essay is over the word limit...

oh, and I'm also applying to colgate today, i haven't finished my essay yet, but if i do, could you please please read mine? as soon as i upload it like 3 hrs. later?
issallme5   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / "track and field" - Georgetown - Important Extracurricular Short Essay [4]

okay "The high school I chose to attend is number one in the state and one of the best in the country. Naturally, it is highly selective and the coursework is rigorous." combine these two sentences and basically shorten the first paragraph. I think you should focus more on your extracurricular activities than the struggling in the high school part.

could you help me with mine please?? I'm also applying to georgetown.
issallme5   
Jan 9, 2011
Undergraduate / The girl who thinks she can (UNC) [15]

I really like this prompt! I think you can work with this one actually, although i didn't read the others. I mean your message is cliche but because of your personal touch it think it works just fine. But instead of expanding on how you keep coming in last place i think you could focus more on the part where you triumphed, make it more dramatic.

please help me with mine! it's due today actually :(
issallme5   
Jan 9, 2011
Undergraduate / "Speaking is living." - Binghamton essay for common app. [4]

To be truthful, I think your essay can be confusing. There were some vague words and phrases that confused me like " The core of my personality is now tangible. The silence of wonder is broken when I speak." I mean, i think these sentences could be more effective if it came after a clear explaination of the situation. I think your sentences can be more direct and clear, so that the readers aren't confused...

Please help me fix mine!! It's pretty bad and needs a lot of fixing!
issallme5   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "I thought I was a North Korean" - Northwestern, Why NU [4]

Alright thanks guys :) I completely panicked for a minute. The common app said that i was only able to apply for spring regular decision, but I'm going to call/email them to please switch it over.

hope everything works out. Thanks everyone.
issallme5   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "I thought I was a North Korean" - Northwestern, Why NU [4]

hi everyone...please help me see if there's enough content, grammer mistake, and a possible ending. i haven't finished it actually . thanks

Why northwestern?

When I was young, I thought I was a North Korean; I was utterly confused about the geographic split between North and South Korea. Yet growing up in the only nation still split over civil war, I gradually opened my eyes to the complicated, yet fascinating international relationship between the two nations. I desired to understand all the wars and political conflicts around me. As of now, my knowledge of international relations is lacking, but I want to delve into it from all aspects, be it political, economical, psychological, or cultural in Northwestern University.

Northwestern University has the quarter system, which will give me the opportunity to delve into international relations from different aspects as I had hoped. It will allow me to take more classes and build a solid foundation. The flexibility will allow me to experiment and explore eclectic classes. Moreover, the Weinberg College supports various internships and research. I was very impressed that the Weinberg College prepares its students majoring in International Studies for rare internship positions like The Coalition to Reduce Nuclear Dangers or The International Legal Resource run by the United Nations. And I was riveted by the astounding research opportunities. I know for sure that not many colleges provide research opportunities like participating in the International Student Symposium on Negotiation and Conflict Resolution in The Hague, Netherland. With world-renowned professors and supporting staff, I know the Weinberg College will help me reach my dream of working in non-governmental organizations.

In my excitement for the academic opportunities, I visited the Northwestern University campus. I can still hear the thundering roar of the Wildcats. I have never felt so much energy and school pride from a student body. I felt the dynamic and creative atmosphere around the campus. The Rock clearly was a canvas for student's opinion and creativity- the proof of the freedom and respect granted to its students.
issallme5   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "An expansion on photography" - my elaboration of snapping a photo [7]

the first sentence "To me photography is a slice of ephemeral tranquility served alongside a silky smooth wave of chills" what is a silky smooth wave of chills supposed to signify?

Also, you used two adjectives which could get wordy and slows the readers down. using adjectives can be good for making the readers visualize something, but too much can make the readers bored. I like your writing, but i dunno...i think you could reword some of the sentences to make them more clearer to the writer. i mean there are really great metaphors, such as the first and last sentence. but some parts are just plain abstract and confusing to me...just my opinion. you have a very eloquent style of writing, but i think you could make it better by rewording some of it...a suggestion :)
issallme5   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "I met my father for the first time" - a significant experience and its impact [7]

college essay doesn't mean it has to be formal, you CAN use contraction, especially if it fits with the tone of the essay. I like your essay a lot, it's a very touching story, but i find it hard to believe that after 14 years without a dad, you can suddenly start to love him...i think you can gradually show the readers your growing love for your dad...I really like the topic you write about though, it's really touching.
issallme5   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Visiting hours are now over" - college essay [3]

I like how you don't clarify who he is until later, it gives a sense of mystery and i think that was really nicely done. but the tenses makes the reading a bit confusing, i think you should put the writing the memory part in present tense so as not to confuse the reader. I didn't get to check any grammer yet, but I love your essay. You gradually pull the readers into your memory. really nicely done!
issallme5   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / (spend money wisely) + (small village diversity) +(friend from school) NYU Supplement [13]

"I learned to love someone outside my family" is still the same as mine.
what about "At Lukas' backyard, I started to love someone other than my family" ?

but sorry, i didn't mean to freak out, but you wrote something so similar to mine, so it was hard not to. , but sorry really. didn't mean to get on your nerves..

and i didn't mean to annoy you with all the posting, I just completely panicked.
issallme5   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / (spend money wisely) + (small village diversity) +(friend from school) NYU Supplement [13]

Your answer is very very similar to mine. especially the part about me loving someone beyond my family and the backyard and digging out the treasure box. Could you change yours a bit? I already submitted mine, but the admissions officers might think you copied. I posted mine days before but yours is almost exactly the same.

If you could could you please change yours a bit so that the admission officers don't think there's copying?
issallme5   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "exposed to the effects of a lack of education" - UVA Suplement [5]

Wow this is a very concise and strong essay...I didn't see any problem with the flow, awkward wording or any logical error...I think this essay is good to go as long as there aren't any grammer mistakes. And I don't see any. the readers get to learn so much about you!

do you mind helping me with my common app
issallme5   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Catch! basketball game!" - common app [3]

Hey guys! I tried doing a flashback in my second paragraph but tried doing it in present tense...bu it sounds weird. can you guys help me???

The silence wakes me. My hand awkwardly touches the huge bandage on my left eye. My right eye hesitantly darts from my hospital gown to my sleeping parents slumped over my bed to the painfully bright lamp lights. I shut my eye again, feeling nauseous. What's happened to me?

It must have been the basketball game. "Catch!" Jenny Chu shouts as she thrust the ball. Thunk! I stand frozen, waiting for the rattling and dizziness in my head to fade away. But everything becomes even more confusing and the gym is filled with the distant echoes of indistinct voices which fade away. If I had known that being smacked on the head could cause retinal detachment, or blindness, I would have somehow twisted around and caught the ball. I wish I had caught that ball.

I open my eye again. I glance out the window to the bright Seoul city night vibrant with Christmas lights and honking cars. (and it goes on)
issallme5   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Common app-is a summer trip too cliche? [4]

to be brutally honest, the essay does not really tell much about you until the last two paragraphs. I mean, all the upper parts is basically describing your travels, but doesn't really tell, or show the impact until the last paragraph. If you are trying to convey to the readers how your friendshp developed throughout the travel, maybe you should start with you guys being hostile and describe you guys gradually forming this friendship. You did try to attempt that, but the blossoming of the friendship between you two could be more apparent...a suggestion. b/c my essays also kind of just narrates what happened, and I re-read mine and it also seemed like it didn't say much about me.

Hope this helps :)
issallme5   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "to succeed academically and civically, business" - ideas NORTHWESTERN [3]

sorry but the first sentence is confusing to me...what do you mean by northwestern experience is full of hopes and dreams~. I got the impression that you were already a student there.

Also there could be a potential grammatical error in this sentence.
" The Engineering Analysis and Engineering Design and Communication courses allow me to communicate with a real client and a real team it also allows me to learn from both objects and ideas. " This sentence is confusing. The Engineering Analysis and Engineering Design and Communication courses allow me to communicate with a real client and a real team. It also allows me to learn from both objects and ideas.

And the "real client" and "real team" is awkward. Of course the client real and the team is real! I know what you are trying to convey but just reword it.

Sorry i couldn't correct the rest :( I love your essay though, it's just the little wording here and there.

I'll be posting my northwestern essay tonight plz take a look at it! I still have to write it :(
issallme5   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / The Guidelines to the Sensible Life + Sports athlete, Notre Dame-Which one to choose? [14]

I also like your second one..it's more interesting and tells more about you...

Okay, I have a question for you guys..
I wrote my Notre Dame essays and all of them are around 180 words.
the college said approximately 150 words...do you think it's way over the word limit???I
Reading all the other essays, I think i'm the only one who wrote so much...
issallme5   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Cheerleading has helped me" - Notre Dame Supplement [21]

First of all, Notre Dame says approximately 150 words, so i think it's okay to be a little over. (Mine is a bit over) and your prompt answers the question well. You say "actually" two times. It stands out to me, maybe cuz the sentences are right next to each other, but you should take one out. And the part where you say, you force yourself to try out...i think it could be worded better to shed a positive light on your personality, like showing your bravery. forcing has a negative connotation. But other than that, it's excellent ! Really!

I don't think it needs major fixing at all!
And if you're still worried about the word limit...you could take couple of phrases out that. But I don't think 23 words over is a big problem at all.

PLEASE HELP WITH MY COMMON APP ESSAY!! deadline is tmrw :(
issallme5   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "learned many things from participating in varsity table tennis" - common app [11]

"my coach practiced with me as hard as with nobody else" awkward phrase.
My coach practiced harder with me than with anybody else...or something less awkward.
I think overall this essay really tells a lot about you :) Through table tennis the readers learn that you overcame your fear etc.
I think in some of your sentences the wording is a bit awkward.
"I was excitedly and nervously looking forward to our first game."
I excitedly and nervously looked forward to our first game.
Just a suggestion :)

I'm going to post my common app soon, could you please take a look at it?
thanx
issallme5   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Your essay is pretty long :) I think you definitely write well and have great descriptions. But maybe you should jot down what you want the colleges to know about you, like what qualities, and try to focus on those. It's just that sometimes you seem too into the details that it kind of diverts from your main idea. Just my personal thought :) hope this helps.
issallme5   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Conversing with my AP Biology teacher" - Northwestern Common App [9]

Your essay is really personal and very well-written. but isn't the NU topic 'what are the qualities of Northwestern'? Because if that is the topic you are writing about, I think the first portion of your essay doesn't really answer the question...
issallme5   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Different Road" - Common App Essay [9]

Ok. I'm just going to say the general feeling i got from this essay.
i think your tone is a big negative. in the beginning, you seemed to say how close you and your sister is so i was expecting a touching essay between you two, but later on you basically say you never want to become like your sister. I don't know. I guess your sister did have a significant influence on you because you learned from her mistake and that's good, but your tone is too negative.

for example, "My sister lived with absolutely no self control or standards"
Just my opinion. but i think it will be nice to lighten up your tone a bit like you did in the last two sentences.

:)
issallme5   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / violin inspired painting which inspired essay - Common App [3]

I agree. The essay is very descriptive in your process of painting that picture, but it lacks something. I think you should include more of who you are. The essay seems a bit too focused on the painting. (just my opinion)
issallme5   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Through Heaven and Hell" Common App Essay #1 [4]

i loved your essay :) it could have been confusing with all the transitions but you made it clear and straightforward. I liked the ending, very sweet and touching. this essay clearly shows the readers your love for music. maybe you could change the sentence structure for "The fact that I can shape my own experiences and that I can control the best that I can be gives me the confidence to tackle any future circumstance no matter what it is." Although it isn't a run-on sentence, it feels as though it is. But your essay was really good overall.
issallme5   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Flexibility (taking more classes) - Northwestern Supplement [4]

I really like your essay. i think it's more personal than the others and that's really good. This is just a suggestion but maybe you could put more of the unique qualities, like specifically, in the essay to balance out your personal connection. To show the admission officers you've done your research. :) just a suggestion. I like your essay overall though. great job :)
issallme5   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Northwestern stood out of hundreds" - Why Northwestern essay! [4]

I like your essay :)
but i think your essay needs better flow. especially the second paragraph to third paragraph is a bit jerky as with other paragraphs. Maybe you could provide better transition.

And there were some awkward phrases here and there. For example, phrases like "exact opportunities?" or "I being an international student" is a bit awkward.

It looks like you did a lot of research and that's a big plus :)
but i think you could connect the unique qualities to you more personally (maybe).

Overall, i think this would be a great essay with some fixes.

Could you read mine?? i'm going to post it soon
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