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Posts by sidbush
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 26  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 29
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sidbush   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Extraordinary" Fav Word UVA Supp Essay [3]

This essay is great! To be honest, I can't find any major errors.
There are points when your sentences become somewhat unclear:

I am powerful and yet I have not reached my full potential to allow me to prevent the world from discrimination, trafficking, loss of biodiversity, destitution or abuse.

Something about the "to allow me to" is confusing.
Other than that, wonderful all around! Great introduction to and definition of the word and concluded nicely. Care to proof read mine?
sidbush   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "yes we can" - UVA FAV WORD-YES [6]

This word may sound simple, but there is an infinite amountnumber of ways to use it.

It can be used to express excitement, curiosity, andor hesitation.

The bit where you describe the many uses of the word is repetitive; maybe change around the way you state it in some sentences.

Excellent word choice!

Great essay! I also did this one. Mind looking it over?
sidbush   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "it's easy to fall in love" - Why Columbia? [10]

However, the real reason why I am drawn to Columbia lies not in the location, but in the opportunities in the Core Curriculum.

I only have the one correction. This sounds great! Very clear and precise. Great job :)
sidbush   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "concentration" - your favorite word and why? [2]

Second sentence- Either capitalize all of the subjects or none of them.

Third sentence- add in "computer mouse" to match "television remote"

Fourth sentence- "and relax" instead of "to relax"

Concentration means to have complete attention or intense mental application, easier said than done I think it would sound better as "Concentration means having..."

to achieve success. Better to say "to succeed"

I have admiration for people "I admire those"
Great job! I wrote this essay as well.. Much easier planned than executed. Would you mind looking over mine? Hopefully we will both get accepted to UVA!
sidbush   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]

UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence

Coherence is what makes an argument reputable. It gives any written composition flow. In its simplest form, it is what many people seek to achieve and it is what I have organized my life around. Coherence, from the Latin prefix "co" meaning together and the Latin root "haerere" meaning to cling, literally means "to cling together". Conventionally, however, to be coherent is to be logically ordered and consistent, or to have overall clarity. Coherence is unique among the innumerable words of the English language in that it has particular significance to me. Striving to incorporate simplicity and order into my life, I make lists and organize religiously. Every morning I wake to the view of the whiteboard near my bed, covered by an array of color coded lists detailing the things I need to accomplish. As I prepare to dress for the day, I find all of my clothes neatly hung and categorized in my closet. Reaching for my backpack, I observe all of the books and folders needed for the school day neatly aligned and in order by size. I have always valued simplicity and rationality in all aspects of my life, be it how I organize my clothing or how I approach writing an essay. This value of coherence has given transparency to my life, allowing for efficiency and less stress in all that I do. Keeping coherence in mind, I will be able to conquer any obstacle I may face in the future.
sidbush   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Pursuit of Advancement"-Columbia supplemental essay [6]

and the first metal-clean lab on the East Coast designed,
This sentence sounds a bit weird.. maybe just take out the word "designed"?

would let me take my learning experience outside the lecture hall.
"would allow me to take my...

Demonstrate's Columbia's willingness to adopt new technologies to enhance the learning experience through interaction and communication outside the classroom.
Demonstrating or Which demonstrates?

The four global centers that the College has established depict its path to becoming a global university.
Perhaps change "its" to "Columbia's". "Its" is a bit confusing because it makes me think you are still talking about the global centers. Also consider using a different word that "depicts". Exemplifies perhaps?

Wonderful Essay!
sidbush   
Dec 28, 2010
Writing Feedback / ielts essay: zoos should be built to protect rural animals, do you agree? [3]

Preserving wild animals in zoos is an issue which frequently generates a great deal of heated debate, with supporters maintaining that wild life would be taken good care from professionals, while opponents claim that the animals are deprived of freedom as a result of staying in zoos

Break this up into two sentences "Supporters maintain that... while opponents claim..."
sidbush   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / TUFTS! "What makes you tick?" Essay-- School Projects [7]

I think the topic is very original. You will definitely stick out.
The first couple of sentences could be improved; They always served-- "They have always served" I don't know, I think it may sound better.

Great Essay overall!
sidbush   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "political philosophy" - UVA- College of Arts and Sciences [3]

What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

I chose Literature- John Locke's Second Treatise on Civil Government

John Locke, an influential Enlightenment thinker and philosopher of the late seventeenth century, made several contributions to western thought regarding political philosophy. Specifically, Locke's Second Treatise on Civil Government had monumental influence on the views of our Founding Fathers, as evidenced by their inclusion of his principles in the American Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution. In Second Treatise, Locke states that humans abide by the laws of nature which restrain individuals from invading others' rights. Due to the selfish nature of man, however, citizens are willing to abdicate sovereignty to maintain social order and protect their property. This philosophy has influenced my thought regarding the extent to which a government should exert control over society, a topic I had previously given little thought. Rather than questioning government regulation of certain aspects of American life, I simply accepted it as commonplace. Though I have always identified with a conservative ideology, Second Treatise has challenged my sentiments regarding United States governmental control over social issues. According to Second Treatise, humans are capable of logic and reason and can resolve social matters on their own. Therefore, government should not interfere with the routine affairs of the people. The principles detailed in Second Treatise have greatly influenced my outlook on human beings and their interactions with an administration. John Locke's political philosophy that man is naturally free and government exists solely to preserve order has reinforced my fiscal conservatism and has fundamentally altered my views of governmental involvement in social issues.
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Republican Party of Virginia" - GMU- Significant contribution to your community [5]

GMU- Significant contribution to your community

Since the Presidential Election in 2008, I have spent many October hours at the Albemarle County Republican Committee Headquarters, a local branch of the Republican Party of Virginia. I have volunteered in the campaigns of John McCain, Bill Bolling, Ken Cuccinelli, Bob McDonnell and, most recently, Robert Hurt. The work begins the first week of October, when the old bank in Albemarle Square transforms from an empty building to Republican headquarters, filling with conservative volunteers. At least twice a week for two hours at a time I do volunteer work consisting of making telephone calls to Virginians in the fifth district, surveying them about the upcoming elections, and urging them to register and vote, particularly for Republican candidates. As the nation grows increasingly politically apathetic, the most significant contribution I have made to the Albemarle County community has been promoting political party participation and the utilization of the right to vote. The phone calls from headquarters act to inform residents about the candidates in upcoming elections and encourage them to get involved. Volunteering at headquarters is enjoyable because it allows me to participate in politics and exercise my right to be a member of a political party while simultaneously encouraging other Virginia residents to do the same. Through experience I have learned that this volunteer work is rewarding, no matter the outcome of the election.
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]

UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence

In its simplest form it is what many people seek to achieve in life. It is what makes an argument reputable. It gives a written composition flow and it is what I have organized my life around. Coherence, from the Latin prefix "co" meaning together and the Latin root "haerere" meaning to cling, means literally "to cling together". Conventionally, however, coherence means logically ordered and consistent or having overall clarity. Coherence is unique of the infinite words in the English language in that it applies to me personally. Constantly striving to incorporate order and simplicity into my life I make lists frequently, detailing the things I need to do and scheduling how to accomplish them in the most efficient manner. I have always valued simplicity and rationale in all aspects of my life, be it how I organize my clothing or how I approach writing an essay.
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]

Thank you! I feel it certainly needs a concluding sentence and it is a bit on the short side for a 250 word essay. As for the first sentence, what I'm trying to do is hint at the word without saying it. I was trying to state that coherence is what many people seek in life but I am having trouble stating it correctly. Suggestions?
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / BowDOIN SUPPLEMENT 2010- INTELLECUTAL ENGAGEMENT, COMMON GOOD CONNECTION TO PLACE [7]

*Cambridge is somewhat repetitive in the beginning
*"and my mom is Italian" rather than she is from Italy; it matches the previous statement of your dad being American.

At my family's house in Santa Margherita, I remember playing cards with my grandfather in the shade under the fig trees when I was little.

-Switch the sentence around to start with "I remember..."

Great essay! Powerful idea.
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "We motivated an entire community to feed an entire state" - experience, impact [4]

*end of first paragraph- "I was engulfed with a feeling of failure" would sound better

*beginning of second paragraph- "twelve seniors and I" flows better

*beginning of third paragraph- "I'm used to reaching my goals" seems a bit out of nowhere and choppy.

Sounds fantastic otherwise!
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Republican Party of Virginia" - GMU- Significant contribution to your community [5]

From the Presidential Election in 2008 to the present, I have spent many hours in October at the Albemarle County Republican Committee Headquarters, a local branch of the Republican Party of Virginia. I have volunteered in the election campaigns of John McCain, Bill Bolling, Ken Cuccinelli, Bob McDonnell and, most recently, Robert Hurt. My work as a volunteer consists of making telephone calls to Virginians in the fifth district, surveying them about the upcoming election, and promoting them to register and vote, particularly for Republican candidates. Usually, I begin working the first week of October and volunteer at least twice a week for two hours. As the nation has grown increasingly politically apathetic, the most significant contribution I have made to the Albemarle County community through my volunteer work has been promoting political party participation and the utilization of the right to vote. The phone calls from headquarters act to inform residents about the candidates in upcoming elections and encourage them to get involved. Volunteering at headquarters is enjoyable because it allows me to participate in politics and exercise my right to be a member of a political party while simultaneously permitting me to encourage other Virginia residents to do the same. Through experience I have learned that this volunteer work is rewarding, no matter the outcome of the election.
sidbush   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]

I have not finished yet. I'm in a bit of a bunch and I don't know where to go from here. Please critique what I do have and suggestions for additions are much needed! Thanks!

Simply the definition of the word is what most people seek in life. It is what makes an argument reputable. It gives a written composition flow and it is what I have organized my life around. Coherence, from the Latin prefix "co" meaning together and the Latin root "haerere" meaning to cling, means literally "to cling together". Conventionally, however, it means logically ordered and consistent or having overall clarity. Coherence is unique of the infinite number of words in the English language in that it applies to me personally as I constantly strive to incorporate order and simplicity into my life. From the moment I knew what a list was, I made them frequently, detailing the things I needed to do and scheduling how to accomplish them in the most efficient manner. I have always valued simplicity and rationale in all aspects of my life, be it how I organize my clothing or how I approach writing an essay.