Letters / A Letter from Papa Bird to its Baby Birds [3]

Hei Anna! :D

First of all, welcome to EF! I'd give you a prize, but will you settle for a cyber-hug? >:D<

Now getting down to business: I liked your essay, I did. It's a cute story that makes me recall how I perceived the world when I was little.

However, and this will come out mean no matter how I'll say it, I don't find it to be impressive. It is not something truly special. First of all, birds do not feel the same emotions us humans do when it comes to family. For them, learning is about surviving. And the parents do not care about their futures after they can live on their own. I do get it that you meant everything in a metaphorical way, but you went over the top, so to say. If you look at fables and tales, all animals impersonating a certain character are simple and only roughly contoured.

My advise, choose one or few characteristics that actually exist in the bird world and try to bring the reader to empathize with your birdy story.

And what I would also do, I'd drop the names (Tweety, Chicky, Birdy). They sound too goofy and I personally was distracted from what you were trying to say because of that.

My last tip: a letter is still an essay. You need the structure. If every single line is loaded with information and meaning, you become boring. Focus on a good amount of description in the beginning to install a certain mood and then, gradually, work your way up to the conclusion.

That being said, your writing should reflect what you think. So perhaps you can wait for a while and then read this essay again. And maybe you will figure out where you can improve it or add a further thought yourself. :)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / My Cornell Supplement Essay: College of Art and Science Can Help Me Succeed [3]

To be honest, my main concern is that your essay has no structure. When you read it each paragraph sounds like an essay on its own. Connect them somehow and you must consider changing these repetitions.

And I just wanted to agree with you, to tell you you that it seems that you are forced to make everything sound like a resume in sentences, but I changed my mind. Here is a structure I would follow if I were given such a prompt: I would start my essay with an introduction that will be really catching my interest. That you do by telling something about you. It mustn't be very long and it will still describe your evolution. Your second para should then keep up the tension and lead to a really impressing conclusion. What I don't like about your last paragraph now is that you do not describe your progress you just explain to the Cornell admissions office what they offer for your education. Not that's wrong or anything, but I am sure they are already familiar with it. Instead of enlisting everything that is so fascinating about them you could briefly mention your interest in their school in a sentence and complete the conclusion by mentioning some of your future plans.

I know it sounds weird ..., but until we are replaced by robots we are emotional beings and trying to make an essay impressing by choosing a certain wording, by building suspense up will always work better than enlisting stumbely sentences.

But maybe you're right and you should get a second opinion, I just told you what I would do. :)

Writing Feedback / Short Essay: "Stereotypes result in self-fulfilling prophesies" [3]

Hei Srihari! :D

Your English is so beautiful!!! I feel ashamed about my underdeveloped vocabulary now, haha. But other than that, great essay. I do agree with you that prejudice leads people to be narrow minded and ignore the true selves of other. However, that is not the intention of the stereotype. Initially, they were used to describe the basic characteristics of people holding different positions in a society in tales and fables and such, but I think behind all that there lies a more absolute truth. It is, I suppose, irrefutable that at core every human being has the same needs and the same wishes. [For example, take every Hollywood movie and see what the characters say: "I just want to be happy."] However, it turns out that placed in different situations each individual will react differently trying to adapt himself to his given set of circumstances and still follow his interest. What I am trying to say is, stereotypes are made by people and show us how we can change others around us, by giving them power, by hurting them. This goes pretty well with that saying: "Man is born pure, society corrupts him." But, gah, I'm babbling, don't listen to me.

Again, great job with the essay and good luck! :)

... acceptable and unacceptable,

I view stereotyping as disrespectful ...

Writing Feedback / "the young boy with a lady" - Dreams (narrative) [6]

Hei Gladys! :D

I really, really like your writing style. I loved the level of detail you put into some of your metaphors and the way you build up on the suspense at the beginning.

Below are some suggestions. Again, you're a really good writer! Keep up the good work! :D

Images flashes in front of me, ... -- Or: "Image flashes ...", but then you need a predicate.

I sat upright on my bed, panting with sweat dripping d own my forehead. I trytried(/would try) to clam myself down, ...

The dreamshad started a few weeks ago and kept repeating and never changing. If it did, it only became clearer. -- For a better flow I'd change this into: The dreams had started few weeks ago and kept repeating, changing at times only to become clearer.

..., the same dream appeared(/would appear) again. -- I don't know why, but "would" always makes things far more abstract than they should and right now, that's good, imo.

It was a hot afternoon, when I was walking down a busy street, ...

...a banner that shouted: "G et your fortune told now!"

Throughout the fourth para you build up such a devastating amount of suspense ["Who the fuck is this man with a deep voice?" I wonder.] and then in the fifth you let it all crash into some "math-prompt" like explanation. Definitely work on mystifying that para, because to be honest, afterwards I don't have the same urge as before to finish reading. And we don't want that! :p

... a pair of mother and her son walked past me giggling.

Just then , ...

... [I] saw a blue balloon flewflying into that similar cloudless blue sky. -- Now, the present continuous does something special here. It adds the detail of your character contemplating the event which adds something to the narrative. With this little change that last para-sentence about him coming to realize what his dream meant could be left out. This is jut a though though.

"Those dreams could be warning you_ ..." the deep voice resounded.

Writing Feedback / the proportion of older people，postive and negative effects.-----IELTS [3]

Hei Lu! :D

While your essay has such a wonderful structure and don't get me started on your very "I-had-to-read-your-essay-with-the-dictionary-next-to-me" vocabulary, I don't fully like it. I think the arguments you made in the second paragraph are far stronger than the ones you described in the second. I think it is not ok to ignore a reasonable concern by just mentioning "the children can benefit from it" while it isn't even true on the long run. That's just a thought though.

Others are concerned about the costs of supporting this huge amount of aged groups in a pension system may be a financial problem for government, especially when an economic recession occurs.

Furthermore , when financial crisis comes up (/when stricken by a financial crisis), the economy will not easily resuscitate with its domestic consumption reliant(/relying) on an ageing population, which is more worried about its health and security in its dotage. -- Not all old people are senile, but ok. XD Just hope the one correcting the essay won't be old.

All in all, the fact that throughout the world ageing population is an unchangeable trend. It has both upsides and downsides. -- You were missing the predicate for the main clause, so I put those two sentences together. However, this sentence is incorrect. Societies where the elderly overwhelm the providing faction of the country do not include major parts of Africa and South America, but quite a lot of developed countries such as Germany, Russia or Japan.

Undergraduate / "fascinated with science" - Duke supplement-why Duke? [5]

Hm, the second version is slightly better, but ... this essay is supposed to reveal something about you. And I am sure that the Duke admission officers are pretty familiar with what programs they offer, so I don't think you have to explain that again. My advise: start fresh with a cool idea. When you're done give that essay to a friend and ask them: "Does this essay sound like me?" If they say yes, you can hand it over here to check grammar and such. If not, well, you start over. :) Good luck!

Undergraduate / "the MNSU student" - your background, interests, purpose for studying in uni [3]

Looks really good. :)

Three things I'd like to change:

From the early beginning of my childhood, I was so keen ... -- I just realized it's pretty illogical to say this because childhood is actually considered to begin from the moment you're born. So perhaps it would be better to replace it with: "Ever since I was a child (no comma)".

Minnesota S tate U niversity of Mankato -- I wasn't so sure at first if every first letter should be written big, but turns out all of them must be capitalized (except for the "of").

Ph D degree -- I've seen it written like this everywhere, so I think it's safer to use this form.

Now, I though about something you could do. Go to your best friend and read him this essay and ask him whether this essay reflects who you are. Since that friend will know you the best, he (or she) should have the last opinion. Given the fact that you have no resume, this is kinda the best you can do with this essay. :)

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

Nah, you'll manage, I'm sure :D Now, excuse me, I'm off to sleep. Night!
Good luck again and perhaps I'll see you around! ^^

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

[Damn, you answer fast ...] Well, it is definitely not bad. :P I'd even admit you!

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

Wow, Christian, this is a great short answer ... concise and intriguing and it has a great flow to it. You're a really good writer! :D

Two things I'd change:

... or how will I will settle an argument with a friend. -- Flow's better when you put the predicate after the subject.

And you might want to look a bit at the times. You're constantly changing between past and present. Put everything in present!

Good luck with everything! :)

Undergraduate / "the MNSU student" - your background, interests, purpose for studying in uni [3]

:| You still haven't learned to hit space, so don't start recalling happy times with me, mister! (I'm joking.)


What do you mean by "there is no resume"? Can you apply to college without one? I mean, damn, then you can say you have done so many things without having to prove it. But ok, you must know better since you're applying.

Ok, this sentence is ridiculous. XD It never turns out perfectly:
While my first intention was to follow a civil engineering program, I had no other choice but to study in an IT major given my family issues. -- Done!

It also helped me to think logically and somehow improved the way I perceived everything around me.

By helping me in designing too, it turned out to be a great asset.

Ups, this sentence too I messed up pretty badly ._. ...
As a result I managed to save some money, while also realizing it was the time to make the right choice.

Ok, now replace those last sentences and polish your essay by checking if you hit space when you should have and ... I guess you're done. :)

Graduate / "the more I learned about Finance" - personal statement for Finance program [4]

Hei there and welcome to EF! :D

Before I say anything else: On your keyboard you will notice a longer ... um, key that usually goes by the name of "space bar". Now, usually you hit that bar when you want to separate two words or sentences and such. For example: I went for a walk._ On the way I met her. or I have no idea,_ but you can ask her about it. or Many species of birds_ (e.g.:_ pelicans)_ migrate to the South during winter.

I know that you might be asking yourself: "Is this such a big deal?" And the answer is: yes, it is a big deal. It is very tiring for someone to read a sloppy written text, so, for your own good, take this advice into careful consideration.

While I really liked your essay, I think you should mention in the last paragraph some of your future goals so that the reader can see that you clearly have some plans for upcoming years.

Writing Feedback / What are the most important characteristics a public figure should possess? [2]

Hei Claudia! :D

I really liked the essay, there are however two things I'd change about it.
First of all, you are missing the conclusion at the end.
And second of all, I'd cut back on the quotes. They are pretty much all over the place and don't look so good in such a short essay. This is however just my opinion. :)

Good luck!

Napoleon Bonaparte once said: "A leader is a dealer of hope."

make them become the inspiration of many others. -- just one full stop here.

The looming question would be: what are these traits? -- there's no space needed before the colon.

Firstly, a public figure must be passionate about what onehe/she preaches and says .

Henry Miller once said:_" What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their ability to act according to their beliefs."

they are ... determined inabout their cause.

One can only admire and respect for such a person.

public figures who hashave burning passion isare often followed by many, ...

People continue to put their faith in them even though the path where they leadwalk is daunting and uncertain to the extremes. " Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around." I ndeed by being perseverant , change is bound to happen.

A s it has been said: " A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave for five minutes longer."

A public figure is actually equivalent to his followers, mere humans. -- I personally don't like how you describe the human here, because by saying "mere human" you show actually no regard for the human, however your essay revolves around how imposing some individuals can be. I'd cut that last apposition.

Instead, by putting oneself in others' shoes , one can better understands the plight of others and offers assistance and aid.

For instance, Mother Teresa relinquished her status and wealth to sav e the poor and downtrodden people in the streets.

Undergraduate / "fascinated with science" - Duke supplement-why Duke? [5]

Hei there! :D

I have read your essay and first of all, I think you have not read the prompt correctly. I actually searched for the Duke supplement on their site and according to what was written there this should have been a short answer (1-3 paras). So you must first of all cut back on some words and make sure you don't exceed 500 characters.

Good luck!

Research Papers / Assignment of Australian Business Law (Contract Law, the TPA & Sales of Goods Act) [2]

Hei there! :)

I've seen this thread remaining unanswered for a while now, so I am just going to tell you what I am thinking although I slept through all those classes in 7th grade when I should have learned something about business and finances. What you're going to read is what I personally think, so don't go too "it's not what I was looking for" on my ass, ok?

To be honest, the assignment is pretty straight forward, all you need to do is your homework. So, start reading about the Contract law, the Trade Practices Act and the Sale of Goods Act; perhaps you could also check the Australian Consumer's Law out. Basically, you want to find laws that will help you satisfy your customer. Can you find among the above mentioned laws and acts something that will help you defend him in court? Yes or no?

The result of this research you'll have to put into a normal essay with intro, body and conclusion. If you manage to find out that you can defend your client I suggest you adopt a confident, slightly aggressive yet diplomatic tone in your essay.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people are losing their moral values [3]

Hei Minh! :D

While I enjoyed your essay, I think you might have omitted one thing. Perhaps you are familiar with the theory: "Man is not born evil, but society corrupts him." I think it is futile to stress about problems on the surface and not attack their roots.

Also [and this is just a thought], have you ever thought about the fact that morality could simply be relative? Every person will try to forge his own set of moral values; vegetarians will consider that eating meat is cruel, feminists think that everything male is stupid, and so on. And I am sure you know, there have been many criminals throughout history who believed that killing people is the right thing to do. For example, Christians. They believed it's ok to kill scientists, homosexuals, pagans and people who opposed their belief. Is that moral? Well, according to their belief, yes. So, perhaps, our morals are not being lost, they simply change. Perhaps some people have come to realize that the only way to be respected and admired is through being rich. And, at this point I'm asking you, can they be blamed for that?

Undergraduate / "Fifteen Seconds" Influential Person Essay - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A [4]

Hei Trevor! :D

Do not worry about the indentation, no one cares about it because I figured you just can't do it. So it's cool. Welcome to EF!

What you wrote is great, but it just won't do as an admissions essay. You need to impress the one reading it and at this point all I get to learn about you: you're faith is strong and you have discovered a role model. But what about you're future goals? What did you see in this man beyond his religion? Try to add some perspective to what you have now.

Also [I don't know how important this is], but since an essay should have around 500 words, I'd say you write a little more. That way you can improve a little the level of suspense. In such essays, it is better to strike the reader at the end. An introduction must be captivating, but you shouldn't go mellow afterwards. So, after editing, ask yourself whether or not this essay makes you think: "Wow, what a kid ..."

A short comment on your intro: I think the first sentence sounds kinda "chopped", it doesn't flow very well.

I'm not saying this isn't a "revealing-enough" piece of writing, I just believe you can do better. :) Make sure to post another draft when you're done.

Good luck!

Poetry / "The Red Wheelbarrow" by Williams Carlos Williams [2]

Hei JaNaye'! :D

Based upon the notes you wrote in class [if you need some further help then I'll gladly read them], make a plan. What are the highlights of the poem, what is so special about it. Also, do a short research on subsistence farming.

I don't know what your teacher expects from you, but to me it appears logical that the farming part should be the main focus of your essay, because ... um, if you were to compare the poem in a whole essay just to that it would get exceptionally boring.

In the intro you must explain what subsistence farming is because someone might not be familiar with the term and might not perfectly understand your comparison.

Your body will introduce this poem to the reader. First of all, you will develop the notion of "subsistence farming" and add to it by explaining how it impacted American economy.

In the next paragraph you will start talking about the poem: what it means, perhaps mention the writer and his background so that it gets a shape. You can then continue by comparing the two.

And then the conclusion will sum everything up.

Now, perhaps you can write a draft and we'll take a look at that. :) Good luck!

_______________
Personal comment:

With regard to the inspiration for the poem, Williams wrote that it

"sprang from affection for an old Negro named Marshall. He had been a fisherman, caught porgies off Gloucester. He used to tell me how he had to work in the hold in freezing weather, standing ankle deep in cracked ice packing down the fish. He said he didn't feel cold. He never felt cold in his life until just recently. I liked that man, and his son Milton almost as much. In his back yard I saw the red wheelbarrow surrounded by the white chickens. I suppose my affection for the old man somehow got into the writing."

Not to be an ass, but this is such a bullshit assignment. How can someone in their right mind ask you to analyze an economic aspect of development by massacring a poem?

Also, your teacher seems to be ignoring the fact that subsistence farming is an agrarian concept that is widespread so why not talk about it in general (and use an appropriate text to do that)? Even nowadays, a lot of countries practice this form of growing economic plants (during the Neolithic Revolution around the equator, Mexico, the Andes, South East Asia, Papua New Guinea, Northern Africa, Latin America; plus, it has disappeared in North America since the '30).

Not to mention that the poem does not refer to this, but, being dedicated to a certain someone admired by the writer, one can deduce that it is about the hard work and the affection the poet had for that person. In the poem I do not see any parallel drawn to farming theories. The warm tone and the sort of stress that lies in some words make me imagine someone looking above the fence in his neighbors garden one rainy day and seeing a man work and feel somewhat ... respectful. Personally, I'd look at this poem on a more "human" scale, and not dissect and assembly it in some manner so it would mirror an agrarian evolution in the "homeland America".

Now, if you don't care about grades, write about whatever this poem makes you FEEL like. A poem shouldn't be something that must affect our rational senses, but it is something emotional. However, if you care about your grades, do whatever your teacher expects you to do, but always, always try to think beyond that. :)

Graduate / (technology innovation) GETTING STARTS ON UMDNJ SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY FOR DPT PROGRAM [2]

Hei Anastasia! :D

It is obvious that this assignment requires you to do some research, so start googlin' terms like: "biomedical engineering trends" or "medical recent discoveries". Get familiar with what you are going to talk about and see what fields you can cover whilst still looking for "technology innovation".

What you mustn't forget throughout your essay is to not jump directly into explaining bold stuff with complicated medical terms. Perhaps it would be better to start off by offering some examples; like: a device that will allow doctors to analyze the patient's blood instantly or a means of transportation so fast that transplant organs could reach destinations 3000 km away in few minutes. I don't know ... the idea is, let the reader become familiar with what you are going to talk about.

Personally, I think it is interesting to look into biomedical engineering since machines are the first thing a person things about when he hears about technology. So, based upon the research you have vigorously done, you can explain current trends and assume what future days might look like for humankind. At this point, really, you can let your mind wander off (a tad).

Good luck!

Letters / My teaching (tutor) experiences - Cover letter for a faculty position [4]

Hei Maria! :D

You seem to be such a beautiful and driven woman and that is something you want your essay to reveal. But, as you might already know, there is something more to teaching than where and how much you have learned and practiced. A job application will always require you to send a resume and this letter. Why do you have to send both? Because the resume is a boring piece of paper that actually can say very little about the person behind it. So, what the CV lacks you must reveal in this letter. I understand you must talk about these "cold" facts, but do mention what feelings you experienced throughout this learning process.

And I'm sure you know, that unless you're talking to a robot, communicating on an emotional level with someone can be way more powerful than any degree or diploma.

If you do write a new draft, perhaps it would be better to work with that one. :)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Ruben! How can I help you?" - common app essay 768 words [3]

OMG ... I love this essay, too bad you had to trim it down, you can see the places where it has lost on flow a bit. :(

However, while this is such a wonderful piece of writing, it is not a common application essay. Letting the length aside, you must imagine the application process as a way to sell yourself to colleges. This essay is supposed to be advertising you. So, what do I know about you from reading this essay? That you are a person who likes to listen to somebody, a person who likes to look past the exterior. But what more? In order for it to be super-appealing to an admission office you need to take into consideration some other facts like, for example, revealing some of your future goals. It is important to describe your emotions, but there must be something more than that. :)

the boy that had, at 11, already been arrested -- "at 11" doesn't sound so good. I know you teacher corrected it, but maybe it is also because you say "7-11" at the end, but to me, it doesn't work so good.

Oh, I forgot to say hi, so: hei and welcome to EF!! :D And good luck with this essay!

Graduate / (the field of Oncology) Statement of Purpose Masters in Physician Assistant [3]

Hei there and welocme to EF! :D

I really enjoyed your essay. Perfect structure, proper length and an original introduction.

However, I am not really liking that third paragraph where you break the flow of the essay with that long enumeration. From what I have read, I saw you also send a resume along with your statement of purpose, so perhaps you should leave some of the "cold" facts out and talk more about how you felt upon discovering so many things. Imagine the last two paragraphs as the boom! of your essay. They need to make the reader jaw-drop. So, work a bit on the fact:emotion proportion.

..., her breast cancer began to spiral out of control and, despite several rounds of chemotherapy, led to ...

Likewise, I feel, and believe my accomplishments demonstrate,(no comma here) that I hold the maturity, aspiration, and capability to perform exceptionally well in this field. -- I don't get the "likewise" at the beginning. Likewise in what way to what previous statement? Also, I'd leave the colon after feel out there's no reason for it there (I'd actually cut "feel" from the sentence too, to avoid a slight repetition.)

Good luck!

Letters / school records specialist-cover letter [6]

Hm, well, the more I think about it the more confused I get. However, I suppose both are correct. I just went with the way I'd say it. So, you can leave it as you please. :)

Letters / school records specialist-cover letter [6]

Sorry for answering so late, but here I am!

Now, I like the intro better, however you must polish it. You cannot just throw some stats in, you will look like a person who is there for the facilities and not the actual work (so to say).

Writing Feedback / Study foreign language at overseas is beneficial or not agree or disagree with extent [2]

Hei! :)

I do not know what the body of the essay looks like, so if what I will say may not take some information you included in it in consideration, please don't mind.

First of all, I feel like the conclusion omits one fact, in my opinion. When it comes to studying abroad, I think it is important to mention the differences in education between first, the second and the third world. Because most students aim at obtaining an education in the USA or in western Europe where the schools are known for their academic reputation. So, this you should definitely include in your essay; by "studying abroad" one generally refers to "studying in developed countries".

Perhaps you could include the body of the essay and we can take a look at that too.
Good luck!

Nowadays,T o a certain extent, I must agree that there is an increasing numbers of people who prefer to study at foreign location is accumulating day by day especially in English language (/to learn a foreign language, especially English, by studying abroad). However, I also do not believe that this not is the only solution(/way)of learning a language(/to master one). Some people seem to believe that learning a language is very easy at home country. (/Some claim that learning a language in one's home country might not be as hard as believed.)

In brief, to hammer in the final nail, I would argue that the benefits of a learning a foreign language at overseas outweigh the drawbacks, therefore students will keep continue studyingat foreign locationabroadfor their bright future(/in order to have better chances at a bright future).

Undergraduate / Facts I discover from my health care experience and my childhood - common app [4]

Hei there! :)

Below are some corrections. It would be best if you would rewrite it and then put it up for a second correction.

Perhaps you might want to check some of the prepositions some verbs require. I know they can be really annoying at times, but you end up using them a lot, so it's an important part of grammar to master.

Also, keep in mind that when you are referring to past events in an essay you must be using the past tense. Take the time to make a short revision on the simple past and the past continuous, since those are employed most of the time.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them.
Good luck!

* - to expend (vb.) = to use up (e.g.: They expended time and money on their project with no result.)
*- to expand (vb.) = to increase, to broaden, to grow in extent

Essays / Music and Politics - how to write this argumentative essay? [6]

Hei Samuel! :)

I have never in my life heard someone ask for a text to be in an "industry standard format".
When I typed "industry standard format" into google, I have also stumbled across "common industry format" or "CIF". To that there is more reference out there. From what I have read about this it's a format that supposedly best complements a report; by that I mean, it's properly structured, it looks professional and it is also easy to follow as you read through it.

I'll put the link I found best here: zing.ncsl.nist.gov/iusr/documents/cifv1.1b.htm#_Toc467573738.
And there is an example of what a CIF report looks like.

But if you want to be absolutely sure you do a good job, how about you ask the teacher that assigned you this paper what he means by "industry standard format". This way you cannot go wrong. :)

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Parents or school,which would be the one teach children in social skills [2]

Hei Zhang! :D

Below are some corrections. Perhaps you can retype the essay to get more familiar with some of them. If you have any questions feel free to ask them. Good luck!

When it refers comes to the fierce controversy about the school or parents ,which who should take responsibilities to teach children how to be good members of society is still a question.(Who should take responsibility in teaching children has been a controversial issue for a long time now.) Some people deem that it is parents who should be the ones cultivating their children because parents(/they) are the direct supervisors of their children, whose performance represents the education approach of their parents.[I get what you mean, but it's hard to agree with you. You are talking about an exception from the rule; in most cases children are not a mirror of their parents when it comes to learning.](In contract* , some)On the contrary,/ On the other hand,others, maybe some busy parents,(/many busy parents) argue that it is definitely the obligation thatof the school shouldto pay more attention onto the developing social skills of students, because they haveare being paid for it. In this essay,_I'll(/ I will) discuss both of thepoints of views .

For public, It is common to think that the relationship and communication between parents and children is essential to the children becoming who they arewill be in the future (who will they be/what will they be like in the future? specify). We have known so many examples that theof children with a promising future dropping out fromof school due to lack of attention from their parents. Parents who act as children'stheir childrens' first teacher in their lifelivesgave their childrenthem a profound effect on the children's whole life(/provide them with a solid moral foundation and support). Education fromreceived at home is ( absolutely)would be the vital one to the development of children.

However, most of us(when you say "most of us" you include yourself in this group) think school,_ should be the one which making the students become more comprehensive after ten or more years or even longerof study. Specifically, not only should the school teach students about the knowledge of books, but also teach them some social skills in term of moral, polite and regulations(/but also help them develop a better sense of moral righteousness). The all-around development is so important that promise students have a bright future (?). Take me for examples ,_ living in the university make me didn't havegive me enough chances to learn something from my parents,_whilebut my university just supplies me with good opportunities to make myself(/to help me) become more competent. [This is not such a good example, if you were to ask me. You're already (or at least you're almost) a grown-up as a college student. You have theoretically already learned the things parents should teach you. While on topic, there is a clear difference between the education school provides and the one your parents bring you up with. First of all, most parents are of conservative nature and tend to use the same methods their parents used on them. A teacher on the other hand should be the one who stimulates you to think for yourself. And by doing so you will inevitably escape the parental supremacy. My point is, one education does not compensate for the other.]

All in all, both the school and the family should take the responsibilityto make the children learn how to act perfectly in the society(/in bringing children up to become valuable members of a society). Cooperation is a must for the development of children.(/In this case, cooperation is key.)

____________________
* - contract (noun) = understanding, agreement (enforceable by law)
*- contrary (noun/adj./adv.) = opposite in nature or character; diametrically or mutually opposed: contrary to fact; contrary propositions.
*- on the contrary (idiom) = in opposition to what has been stated, from another point of view

Graduate / "Academic success" - Speech Therapy Graduate Admissions, APA, 6th Ed [2]

Hei Carolyn! :)

I googled "Writing in APA format" and those are the two links that seemed to be the most useful, do check them out and let me know if that is what you think you must do.

my.ilstu.edu/~jhkahn/APAsample.pdf

ehow.com/how_5388845_write-apa-format-sixth-edition.html

From what I have read, APA format complements research based essays best, so perhaps you could include some facts in your essay. But how about you show us what you wrote and we can check it out together?

Writing Feedback / Memo: title change of laborers in network maintenance section [2]

Hei Mohamed! :)

Below are some corrections.

The j ob title of sewerage laborers needs to be changed to reflect their work of the laborers in the network maintenance section. currently there job title is sewerage laborers which needs to be changed to network maintenance laborers.(The current title needs to be changed to "maintenance laborer".)

[new line]SoTherefore, I kindly request to formalize this change. T heir new job description will be forward ed short ly.

Graduate / My path to the Post-Bacc in Pre-Health Program at UPenn- Admissions Essay [4]

Hei Jeremy! :D

Your essay was amazing! To be honest, when I first saw how much you wrote, I thought it would be just another one of those boring essays, but yours was so easy to read. Despite some few mistakes I found, this is one high quality piece of writing.

Good luck with your career and everything!

... I reflected upon the role the doctor played in my recovery . Intrigued by the doctor's role in my recovery , ... -- This repetition doesn't sound so good.

In the forth para also, you repeat "human" and "body" quite a lot.

Yet with each repair, my desire to become a doctor growsgrew stronger.

The realization that I couldn't fix everything came while serving a mission for my church. -- You already realized you couldn't fix everything when your tibia got broken. Perhaps you could change the wording a bit so you show the difference between your first and your second revelation.

I knew that there must(/had to) be some untouched facet of medicine ... -- What you wrote isn't wrong, but "there had to be" sounds better to my ears.

I witnessed the great impact I had to mendon broken hearts as I soothed their pain and restored their hope ... -- to have an impact + on + obj. I don't think "to have an impact" can be followed by a verb in its infinitive form.

... and [I] couldn't rationalize with the thought of spending my life tilting glassware and mixing chemicals under a red light in a drafty fume hood.

to diagnose problems

I have come a long ways

Letters / school records specialist-cover letter [6]

Hei Kathy! :D

In my opinion, you shouldn't talk so much about things already mentioned in your resume, but rather jump directly into the matter. By the time someone reads your first para they might not be as eager to continue following you.

Again, in your second para, you talk about abilities that you have probably already enumerated in your CV. [Oh, if you are still working for the company you mention in your first sentence (in para 2), perhaps you could write everything in the present tense because when you switch to present in the middle of the body it sounds weird.]

Perhaps you could rewrite the letter and then have it checked again. Good luck!

Book Reports / Character Sketches in the novel To Kill a Mockingbird [5]

Hei Shannon!

What exactly do you need help with?

Undergraduate / FEAR - Comm App short answer about extracurricular activities. (1000 maximum) [4]

Hei there! :D

First of all, decide before starting to write an essay what tense you will be using. You get confusing right from the beginning where you first relate in the present tense, but then the second sentence wanders off into past.

Also, while you recount that experience so well, your writing lacks a deeper perspective. A college application essay needs to reveal some of your future goals. How about mentioning a career option that interests you?

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Factors to broadcast good news and bad news-ielts task 2 [4]

Now, what don't you like about it? It's an essay on media that tries to analyze facts in a concise way. It is a really good one when you think about its length, the good structure, about the fact that you introduced both positive and negative points of view.

I am not familiar with the maximum length of ILETS essays, but I would say if your essay were longer, you could develop your ideas more and then perhaps you will feel like you've done a better job [since you would get to say everything you want to say].

But then again, don't get too harsh on yourself. You're essay was fine!

Hm, I don't know if finding an example for para 2 would really be that important. I mean, unless it was something few people can relate to, then yes, and example would have been ideal. However, I suppose anyone knows what you mean, so don't stress too much over it. :)

Graduate / "a clear career goal that I am passionate about" - PA application narrative [3]

Hei there Robert and welcome to EF! :D

Let me just quickly mention a small mistake: Upon graduation offrom high school, ... The rest of your grammar is really beautiful, as is your essay. You have covered absolutely everything an application essay should cover - in my opinion at least.

The only thing I didn't like so much was the fact that it's pretty long. Now, I don't know if you have a word limit to reach or something, but I think you can imagine that people handling admission essays won't have the patience to read long essays. Try to compress it just a little.

Also, I would try to make the intro a bit more catchy. Not that it is dull as it is right now, but I think an extra kick in it would make it better.

Good luck with getting into the school you want! :)

Writing Feedback / Factors to broadcast good news and bad news-ielts task 2 [4]

Hei there! :D

I really like your essay. Below are some corrections.
Good luck!

good news should be given more priority than bad ones .

rather than trivial news or rumors about private lives of some celebrities. -- Are you kidding me? I found out about Kim Kardashian's wedding from the evening news a whole country watches. /:) Not to mention there are so may news sites and channels and magazines that focus only on celebrities.

the duty of newspapers and the media is to reflect the truth. -- All news reflect the truth, so that's not the problem. The problem is what part of the truth we decide we want to see.

traffic accidents. -- I would use a full stop, there is no need for a serious pause after that enumeration.

[new para] On the other hand, too much bad news can make people become optimisticpessimistic and lack beliefs in life. Therefore, good news is necessary to direct people toward kindness, good luck and happiness.

If too much good news is reported on TV or in newspapers, [...]

In conclusion, I think that there should have thebe a balance between

Book Reports / Writing a monologue for the crucible [5]

I think you should pick the one where it's just his thoughts. However, it should have a structure!!! Even though you are allowed to play around with sentences and ideas and such you must still be coherent. :)

Book Reports / Writing a monologue for the crucible [5]

Hei there! :D

I haven't read the book you are talking about, I only bothered to google a summary and a character study. So if I'm not accurate, then do not listen to me.

From what I've seen, Reverend Hale is the type of person to seem to know what he's talking about, but actually be clueless. He bases his "scientifical" theories on superstitions and mythology. However, he feels guilty of not having been able to save people from hangings.

Now the last part does seem really interesting and I would personally like a personal monologue in this case better. Imagine him in deep despair after (perhaps) witnessing these hangings. I would talk about him coming to realize that his existence is a fraud. He wasn't able to defy and punish the Satan of their world and nor was he able to save innocent people through prayer and reasoning with the judges. Perhaps he might also conclude that the devil is in each and every person. Or something like that. :)

However, perhaps you should search for a part of that play that really impressed you and start from there. Let your mind wander off and image a set of additional circumstances and try to empathize with this character. I don't know for sure how much the play allows you to do that, but it's what I would normally do. It's just, when you develop your own ideas it usually turns out better! :D

Good luck!

Research Papers / Making a hypothesis on technology in the point of view of the 3 fields of social [2]

Well, it is obvious you are on the right track. And I cannot say more honestly. :)

But if you would ask me, new technology is not the primer factor in culture change, it does not work against it. It is, if you like, a symptom. The change happens inside a human mind. We cannot say culture change is something bad; on the contrary. It is pushing us towards discovering, towards beauty, towards being human.

A fundamental example to support this is the evolution of human himself. Homo sapiens is known to have begun spreading from a small area in Africa throughout the whole world. On the other side of the sphere we have the homo neanderthalis who, conservative by nature, decided to keep living around the small region it has always been living around. What happened is the lesser species went extinct. As they spread, humans conquered the whole world and as a mean to adapt and enjoy themselves they incarnated what they saw around them and what they felt through painting, through music, through religion.

Technology is not working against culture, it becomes part of it. And whether we like it or not it represents us, humanoids of the 21st century, the best.

This is just a thought, so you don't have to take it seriously. You should write after all something arguable. :) Good luck!